Under the Hood

Ep 39: How to Repair After Conflict ("I'm Sorry You Feel That Way" Doesn't Cut It)

• Rebecca & Alex • Season 1 • Episode 39

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0:00 | 17:59

You snapped at your kid, felt bad, and then “apologized” with, “I’m sorry, but you should have listened the first time.” Or your partner says, “I’m sorry you feel that way” mid-argument, and it makes things even worse….

In this episode, couples & sex therapist Dr. Rebecca Howard Eudy and pelvic floor physical therapist Dr. Alexandra DiGrado talk through why so many apologies miss the mark and what genuine repair looks like in parenting, partnerships, and everyday life. Dr. Rebecca also shares the story of a public blowup with a school crossing guard that still makes her cringe and what she did afterward to make it right.

Not all apologies are created equal. Tune in to learn the difference between a "sorry" that just clears your own conscience (...we’re all guilty of it) and one that actually protects your relationships for the long term.


You’ll learn:

  • Why  a “but…” totally cancels out your apology
  • Why over-apologizing (especially as women) can make your words lose their meaning
  • Why a “forced march” doesn’t teach kids empathy (and what does)
  • How shame just keeps you stuck instead of helping you repair
  • Why modeling repair, not perfection, is what actually shows your kids how to handle their own conflicts
  • Why feeling guilty about losing your cool doesn't mean you're a bad parent. It means you care enough to try better


Tune in if:

  • Your partner says, 'I'm sorry you feel that way' mid-argument, and you want to hit the ceiling
  • You lost your temper recently and aren't sure whether to move on or address it
  • You’re stuck between “I shouldn’t have yelled” and “but that behavior wasn’t okay either” when it comes to your kids 
  • You didn’t grow up with parents who apologized, and you're trying to figure out how to do it differently


Helpful resources:


Connect with us:

Dr. Rebecca Howard Eudy
Website: rebeccaeudy.com

Instagram: @rebeccahowardeudy

Newsletter: Parents in Love Substack


Dr. Alexandra DiGrado
Website: bostonpelvicpt.com

Instagram: @bostonpelvicpt

Newsletter: Under the Hood


Under the Hood Podcast
Instagram: @underthehooddocs

Website: underthehoodpod.com

YouTube: @underthehooddocs

SPEAKER_00

Welcome to Under the Hood. I'm Dr. Alex DeGrotto, your pelvic floor physical therapist. And I'm Dr. Rebecca Howard Uti, your sex and relationship therapist.

SPEAKER_01

Hi. Hi. I'm so excited for this one. I kind of feel like it's new for our generation, but maybe I'm just naive. No, it's definitely.

SPEAKER_00

I don't think other generations really even thought about what we should tell people.

SPEAKER_01

Okay, we're gonna talk about repair. Yeah. Rupture and repair, which I feel like people our age know this term, rupture and repair, and kind of know what it means. But my understanding of it is that when you make a mistake or when you yell or blow up or whatever, then afterwards you go back and you apologize, whether it's to your kids or to your partner. And the part that I feel like is kind of new is apologizing to your own kids.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, that's definitely new. I mean, did you get all did your parents apologized? I mean, I did occasionally.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, I mean, my mom had a master's degree in early childhood development. So yeah, they were. She was ahead of her time. Yeah, she was way ahead of her time. Yeah. In many, many ways, yes. But I wouldn't say that it was the norm societally.

SPEAKER_00

No. I should I do think that my parents repaired. Probably my mom maybe more than I think women are culturally.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. Apologizing too much.

SPEAKER_00

Apologizing too much, perhaps. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, I've said this to my staff. If you don't need to apologize, don't apologize. You know, to patients. Oh, so sorry to keep you waiting. You're right on time. Yeah. You're actually a minute early. I'm so sorry you were early and sat and waited. Actually apologizing because the person was early. I can't get over it. I know.

SPEAKER_00

Please stop. Stop. Stop apologizing. It is true.

SPEAKER_01

So But this is the opposite. Today's episode is the opposite.

SPEAKER_00

Well, it's not, it is, and it's not. Okay, cool. Because when we over-apologize, then our apology has really no meaning. So true. And a lot of times we apologize because we think we should, and we teach our kids this to go and apologize. And it's like that's not really repair. That is an apology, but repair has to do with perspective taking, really feeling empathy for what it was like to be hurt. Yeah. And then taking accountability. Like repair is accountability taking.

SPEAKER_01

That's a really different perspective. You're so right. Sorry. Oh, I know.

SPEAKER_00

Isn't that the worst? I'm so sorry. It's unreasonable. Or what about sorry you felt that way? It's like that is not an apology. No. No. I mean, in all fairness, it's depending on the tone of voice. True. Maybe the best that we can do. I'm really sorry that you felt that way. I didn't mean to make you feel that way. You know, it's it's not the worst.

SPEAKER_01

You need the second half, definitely. I think it is the worst.

SPEAKER_00

You think it's the worst.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, I do.

SPEAKER_00

I'm sorry you felt that way.

SPEAKER_01

Because it's like you're just saying sorry that about the person's feelings. Like that doesn't, that's not an apology. It's just not. It's not.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. It's not. You're right. It's not.

SPEAKER_01

It isn't.

SPEAKER_00

Well, it's not repair. Yeah. It's an apology.

SPEAKER_01

Sure.

SPEAKER_00

An insincere one.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, it's very insincere. It isn't. It it it often on the times that I've had it sent my way, even in a nice voice, it inflames me. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

So I think some of the most meaningful apologies that I've ever received or given have been pretty simple. And sometimes they kind of come, you know, sometimes it's like uh, you know, I was thinking about this thing that happened, and and I thought, you know, I I made you feel bad and I didn't mean to do that, or yeah, you know, whatever. Like it it it has to do with accountability.

SPEAKER_01

Totally. Yeah, and then it is it is. It's sort of for me at least, it's like, okay, all is well now. You know, it's because it's so sincere. It's sincere.

SPEAKER_00

It does not have to be, I mean, I see this with clients all the time that when it has to have genuine emotion behind it. Right. That's what makes it authentic. Is anything else is an inauthentic apology? And then you're it makes it worse. You're just going through the motions. And in some ways, it's also when you receive an insincere apology, you can either get pissed off by it and further inflame the situation, or you can accept it, but you don't feel it. And then it's like you're kind of faking. Yeah, totally. Also makes things worse.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. You can intersection worse. Right. My older child will write me notes, you know, and I think I mentioned this to you. I'm sorry, I just need a hug. And then it's all the anger just dissolves because you know the hurt behind the anger and the hurtful words and all that. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, it is amazing how accountability often really softens the whole feeling. The whole feeling. So one of the things as we're talking about kids that people often get wrong, and and I'm including myself in this, yeah, is that, you know, a lot of times my kids, they're wonderful, but they really piss me off. Yeah, of course. You know, they've done something that's totally unacceptable or they whatever. And then if I have done something that requires repair, usually it's like, you know, talking, yelling, or, you know, whatever. Yeah. Flying off the handle in some way that I feel like, oh, that's a little icky. I didn't like doing that. My temptation, if I don't take enough time, is to go in and say, I'm sorry that I got angry with you. But you did this. Totally. But don't hit your brother. Or don't whatever. If you don't do this, then I won't get angry. Yeah, totally. And that is not repair. It's not. It's the opposite of repair. We're trying to do two separate things. And so this is also happening in our romantic relationships, our friendships where we do feel bad. You know, I genuinely feel bad when I yell at my kids. Yeah. Which I try not to do, but it sometimes it happens. And so I genuinely want to take accountability for the thing that I'm like, you you I could have handled that a lot better. That's the feeling. I could have handled that a lot better. That's the re that's the accountability and the repair. And so separating it from the correction of the behavior. That's right. And so a lot of times we say, I'm sorry that I did that, but you really pissed me off in some direction of that. But I was hurt, but I, whatever. And it completely takes away. It does. You have to have the negates it. Okay. Yeah, it does.

SPEAKER_01

That takes a lot of maturity.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, and time. Because a lot of times we want to go and do the repair sooner than we really should. So we're not ready. I see.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. And so you think that for kids the hitting thing, you know? Yeah. You think giving them time to cool off and then eventually have an authentic apology.

SPEAKER_00

They need time. Yeah. So I think that time we we try to force these things. We try to rush them. You know, we say go and apologize. Yeah, totally. And it's like sort of a forced march. Yeah. Kids don't learn anything from it. Right. So true. So I think a better language, which we can then adopt in our relationships as well, is how do you think that would have made you feel? And and sometimes they're, you know, especially after they've calmed down, yeah, I probably wouldn't have liked that. Well, what do you how do you think you would want someone to repair with you? Do you think you owe I I sometimes use the words amends and repair? You probably need to repair. And sometimes the most powerful repairs are nonverbal. So I do think that in adult relationships, it's important for us to find the words. Yeah. Repair should come with accountability taking. But especially for kids, like I talk about this example in my book, but one of the most brilliant repairs I've ever seen was from my kids. And they we were at a friend's house for a barbecue. And of course, we're at the friend's house. And so their behavior, it's like, oh gosh, you really need to, you know, they're good friends, but so they have a younger girl, too, and have two boys, and they like, but you know, somehow kind of got into it with a bunch of kids where people were like jostling and whatever, and they hurt somebody's feelings, and and this little girl got knocked down. And I was like, you need to go about it. Yeah, yeah. You know, and and my older son was like, Can can I just do yeah, I'm gonna do it, but like just let me do it. And so, and and the thing that had happened in this scenario is all of the kids got very inflamed. So everybody's fighting them. Yeah, yeah. And so it was over a toy hatchet. Okay. Like everybody wanted to play with this, which you know. Yeah. So they literally took the hatchet and buried the hatchet. That's amazing. And then everybody's fine. I'm like, I don't think they've ever heard the bury that. I love it. Literally buried the hatchet, and it was like such a beautiful repair. This didn't go well for us. This didn't work well. And like, and and everybody was fine. Oh my gosh. I know it's that is incredible.

SPEAKER_01

That is the best. I love that story.

SPEAKER_00

It's so smart. It's like, you know, I would have had them march over and say, I'm so sorry that I did that. And it wouldn't have been sincere. Totally.

SPEAKER_01

I literally did that at your house when Mark bopped that little girl with the foam sword. Yes.

SPEAKER_00

And so I think though, it's performative.

SPEAKER_01

Totally. So that is not 100%. Because I knew that he's I knew that it was not malintent. Totally. You know?

SPEAKER_00

But I find myself doing that. It's like the when you start to parent for the crowd. Yeah. 100%. That is why my kid bopped them. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

I have to do this.

SPEAKER_00

I have to do this. Yes. And like in some ways, there's nothing wrong with that. It does teach a lesson. You know, you have to apologize when you even if you don't feel sorry, you have to figure out how to take accountability. That is sometimes reality, but in our most that we in relationships that are not super close. Yeah. But in our most intimate relationships, whether it's with our children or with our partners, that kind of apology just doesn't fly. Yeah. It has to be heartfelt. It has to be genuine. But in order to have the perspective taking, a lot of times if we really got in touch with what we did that hurt somebody that we love. We feel so much shame. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Feels so icky.

SPEAKER_00

So icky. And when we feel shame, we get defensive. Yeah. Well, I it was justified that we deserved it. Yeah. And so then our own shame. So I'll give an example. So I, this is again with the kids. I somehow it's easier to think about repair and because we talk about repair with kids all the time, but it's transferable to the right.

SPEAKER_01

And it's sort of a buzzword the these days with parenting.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, exactly. Okay, so listeners may judge me for this. That's fine. That's my shame talking. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, so we had this crossing guard. This was a couple of years ago. And there's a busy road between my house and the kids' school. Okay. And so we were late for school. I mean, not really, but I felt like we were late. It was some urgency. Yeah. And so it's a four-way stop. And the crossing guard waits to have the kids cross until the walking guy is on. Yeah. I don't always do that on my own, right? And so I made the decision, okay, there's no cars coming. We're gonna cross because the light is going the other opposite direction. Safe to cross. It's safe to cross. You're an adult. I made I'm an adult. I made the determination for my kids. And the crossing guard from diagonally across this busy road was like, do not like said essentially was like, you're endangering your children. Totally are.

SPEAKER_01

Said that to me. Yes, our crossing guard yells at parents all the time. All the time. So comes to the people's cars and yells at them. Yes. I can't get over the gall.

SPEAKER_00

It really is. But here's the thing this she was doing her job. That is her job. She, it is her job to keep people safe now. So true. If would I have preferred that she So what happened is that I got all like mama bear. Like, I can't believe I am not endangering my children. No, you're not, obviously. And so I literally yelled that at her. All right.

SPEAKER_01

So you're yelling at the crossing guard.

SPEAKER_00

So I'm yelling at the crossing guard. In front of my kids, Alex, and also like probably a lot of my neighbors who are driving to school. I mean, this is my this is my community. This is like right down the street from my house. So the crossing guard and I, so I did wait. She continued, we continued to yell at each other. As I I know, I know. I mean, it's horrendous behavior. But I was I don't think so.

SPEAKER_01

I'm completely on team, Rebecca. I think she was way out of line. You are an adult. Wait. Okay, sorry. You've got to repair. Go ahead. Go ahead. Go ahead. Go ahead. I'll validate my.

SPEAKER_00

Oh, I'm sorry, but because you're in the right here. Go ahead. Okay. So she's yelling at me, I'm yelling at her. And you know I'm a fighter. Yeah. So I get in these situations and it happens so quick. Fight or flight, I'm gonna fight. And so I am fighting with the criteria in front of my kids. I know it's so they were like, stop. Like they're so embarrassed. You know, I've got the dog. It's just like, okay, so my rage carries me two-thirds up the hill to the kids' school. You know, it's probably like five minutes. I'm like, I can you believe her? Can you believe her? And then the shame sets in. Oh my gosh. And I'm like, oh fuck. Yeah, totally. What did I just do? At an elderly. Crossing guard who I want my children to respect. Yes. I don't care what this person says about crossing the street. They need to listen to her. This is a person who is we are our town is paying her to keep our kids safe. I rely on her to do her job. And I just undermined her in front of my children. Oh. And so the shame sets in. And I'm like, well, I guess I'm just gonna drive for the rest of the year.

SPEAKER_01

I was about to say, could you walk home a different way? I'm literally in my mind thinking about ways that you could avoid this person for the rest of your life.

SPEAKER_00

Me too. I'm like, how do I avoid this person? Oh wow. I can never show my face. Oh my gosh. Okay. Okay. So that's my first thing. Yeah, tell me what happened. And so then after the shame subsided, I was like, no, I'm not gonna drive for the rest of the school year. This is like a little bit more. Or walk a different way, yeah. Yeah. And I'm not gonna take my life in my hands and cross the two-lane road because there's this crosswalk and then one that's like a mile and a half down the road. Yeah, like no, I'm not gonna walk the long way. So clearly you're not. Clearly I'm not. So once the rage subsided, then the shame set in. And then I had to give myself a stern talking to you. Like, no, you need to be an adult here. Yeah, this is an adult. This is an adult, adults, adulting. This is adulting heart. And so I, when the kids came home, I was like, okay, this was not the right thing to do. And they took my side too. They were like, well, she shouldn't have been yelling at you. She was so mean. And I was like, it doesn't matter. Yeah. It doesn't matter. I need to keep my side of the street clean. I should not have yelled back at her. That was under my like it was really. So I wrote her an apology note. I shared with the kids what was in the apology. Now it sounds like I'm tooting my own like repair horn, but this was really hard for me. This was like a day that I should be very hard for me. Like, and so I gave her the note. I shared with the kids, like basically what I've said. You're just, you're doing your job. You need to, you I undermined you. That was, and so I handed her the note and I verbally apologized in front of the kids. And I had said to the kids too beforehand, I was like, you know, you guys, she may not accept my apology right away because what I did was really bad. Like what I did was really made her job way harder. And she was really mad at me. So she might not just say it's okay. And she didn't. I was still mad in front of my kids for probably, I mean, it felt like about 10 minutes. It was probably about three minutes, three to five minutes, while she like really berated my behavior. Wow. And I was like, you're absolutely right. It was really hard for me. Wow. And they the kids still, and then by the end of the year, we had a good relationship and it was fine, you know. But I definitely was like uh groveling it. My process.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. Because I totally disagree with how she handled it too. So I do too, which doesn't matter. But rupture and repair. You are the bigger person. Yeah, yes.

SPEAKER_00

Is it does not matter how the other person I mean, it does. Yeah. They need to repair too. If she did not repair with me, that's fine.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

We repaired our relationship over time. In but what we often try to do.

SPEAKER_01

But you taught your kids such a valuable lesson.

SPEAKER_00

Well, I don't there. I try this is the thing that we have to do ourselves. We have to let them see the cycle of rupture and repair.

SPEAKER_01

And also you made a mistake and then you corrected it. It's it's as opposed to making excuses, because actually that drives me crazy. That's when my kids blame other people and blame this and blame that instead of just taking accountability. And then it's like, oh yeah, it's a mirror, right?

SPEAKER_00

But how can we expect them to do that? That's what I'm saying. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

If I'm not doing it myself, you know, blaming my bad mood on the weather, you know.

SPEAKER_00

And I think it's also important for kids to see, it's also important for us to do it in our romantic relationships, but it's important for our kids to see us do it because we they might see a little snippy interaction between Yeah, and then they don't see the repair. And then they don't see the repair. So it's also good to let them see that repair in the in your relationship because they're there's if they're seeing snippiness, they're learning some a message about that. And to say, I'm really sorry, even to apologize to the whole family. You know, I was really grumpy this morning because I'm really sorry about that. It requires us to take our to to feel guilt. Yeah. To feel like I did something bad, it does not make me a bad person. Actually, I feel bad about my bad behavior. That means I'm a good person.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, and then you're taking full ownership and accountability for your actions. Yeah, exactly. Thank you so much. Thank you for listening to Under the Hood. If you liked this episode, please take a minute and leave us a review. And we'd love to hear from you. If you have any ideas for future episodes, please let us know.