Ep. 21: The Trust You Built in Survival Mode

Why survival mode isn’t working anymore.

The “trust” you built in survival mode isn't the same as safety,

Bc the safety you built in survival mode isn't the safety you're requiring now.

Hear us out…you were praised for being the one who held it all together.

The dependable one.
 The strong one.
 The one people could count on.
 The one who figured it out no matter what.

And you did.

You built a version of yourself that could survive anything.

But now something inside of you is shifting.

Because beneath the strength, the productivity, and the identity you built…

your body is saying:

“This isn’t safety anymore.”

In this episode of The Low & Slow Podcast, Crystal and Laken explore the difference between the trust you built in survival mode and the safety you’re now being asked to build within yourself.

Because survival required(s) you to become someone.

But healing asks you to meet who you actually are.

This conversation unpacks hyper-independence, performance-based identity, and the quiet fear that comes when you begin to outgrow the version of yourself that once kept you safe.

You’ll learn how to recognize survival trust, how to support your nervous system as you shift out of it, and how to begin building real self-trust — slowly, compassionately, and without abandoning the woman who got you here.

✨ You don’t need to shame the version of you that survived.
 ✨ You need to support the version of you that’s emerging.

In this episode, we explore:

• The difference between survival trust and real self-trust
• How hyper-independence becomes a survival strategy
• Why identity shifts feel destabilizing
• The fear of losing who you’ve always been
• Reframing “I can’t” into “I’m learning”
• Building safety through small, consistent reps
• Supporting your nervous system through change
• Celebrating the woman who survived while becoming someone new

If you’ve been feeling the pull to slow down, soften, or change…

but don’t fully trust it yet—this episode is for you.

Breathe low & slow.
You’re learning a new way to be.

______

Follow along, tune in, and let’s get into your next mindset shift!

It means the world to us if you would rate, like, save, share, and most importantly hit that subscribe button! And if something you heard today hit home for you, share it with your world. There is plenty of room at our table.

She looks like she has it together.
But inside, she’s tired of being the strong one.

Peace. Play. Love. is for her.

A retreat where the armor comes off,
the nervous system softens,
and self-trust becomes the loudest voice in the room.

June 2026.
This is your pause and your pivot.

Check out our Women’s Retreat we are hosting —The Peace.Play.Love Retreat 

Deets: https://offers.thatgirlmagic.co/ppl-retreat

Request A Remix! If you’re stuck or in a situation you want a new lens on, submit your dilemma anonymously below for a mindset remix from us on a future podcast episode!

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Website: 

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Ways to work with us: Book a Connection Call

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome to the Low and Slow Podcast. We're your girls, Crystal and Lakin. If you press play today, trust. You made the right decision.

SPEAKER_02 0:09

And know whenever you're listening to this, it's exactly the right time.

SPEAKER_00 0:14

We invite you to pull up a seat to the conversation, get curious about your current perspective, and lean in for the opportunity to see yourself in another woman's story. We created that girl magic because we've been where you are.

SPEAKER_02 0:28

Here, the talk is real and the breath is steady. Let's get into your next mindset shift.

SPEAKER_00 0:37

Welcome back to the Low and Slow podcast, ladies. It's your girls, Crystal and Lakin. And today we want to preface the episode. We want to set the scene for you and give you an inside look on who this episode is for. So this episode's for the woman who has been praised for holding it all together, uh, for being dependable, for being productive. She's needed, she's high functioning, she's selfless, and she's strong. Um, but beneath all of that, her body is screaming and her body's saying, This shit's not safe anymore. Um, so we're talking to the women who have built trust in who she had to be in order to survive. And maybe now she's in a season where she's being asked to build trust in who she is without the mask, right? Which we hear from a lot of people, right? They have not done that before. What does that feel like? What does that trust look like? So there's a version of this woman. Uh, there's a version of trust that a lot of women were taught to build. Um, and it actually wasn't trust, it was hyperindependence. It was performance. It was being the one who could handle it all, uh, being the one who was needed, who was productive, uh, being the good mom, the good wife, the good employee, the strong friend, the one that ultimately doesn't break and carries everything. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 2:07

And I want to recognize that it feels like that shit works. Right. So it, and it's gonna feel like, oh, well, it worked out for a really long time. And so we have all this evidence that shows us that doing that gets us the result that we want, but we don't have a lot of evidence, nor have we really tried to find our own sense of safety without overperforming all the time. And so that's what we're gonna talk about today.

SPEAKER_00 2:34

Yeah. Yeah. So what does this look like when you are learning to establish that safety or that trust in a way that you've never done before, right? Because up until then, it's like your nervous system was like, hey, babe, like I know this helped you survive at one point, but I'm acquiring something different now. And shit, that different kind of looks scary, right? And this is the part, honestly, that nobody talks about. Um, because when your body starts asking for real safety, it's usually gonna press up against the very things you've built your identity around.

SPEAKER_02 3:10

Yeah, because it's not just like, oh, I'm tired or I'm overwhelmed, like everybody experiences that. It's now it's like, who am I if I if I can't keep doing life the way that I used to? Right? It's that comparison. It's like, who am I if I'm if I'm not the one doing all the time, if I'm not the one producing, if I'm not the one helping, holding it all together? Like, what does that make me now? Because I've built so much of who I am and who other people see me as, the way that I want to be perceived as this version.

SPEAKER_00 3:40

Mm-hmm. Right. And then what little feeling, that little bullshit of a feeling that we all hate, the shame comes in.

SPEAKER_01 3:48

Right?

SPEAKER_00 3:48

The language starts to be disempowering real quick, right? It's like, I wouldn't even say that to anybody else. Why the hell am I saying that to myself? Right. It's the I can't. It's the I don't know. So many women are saying, I don't know, but you know, sis, right? Like, I'm not that person. A lot of times it's not that you, it's not that it's not that you actually can't. It's that you haven't had to learn safety out of survival before. Like you, it was only for survival. Like that was the way that you did things. And that wasn't actually in the moment that's what kept you safe, right? The defense mechanisms, the things that we've built, the the way of being that we want to bless you. A true. Um, but it's not actually the safety that you're requiring now.

SPEAKER_02 4:38

Yeah. And the trust that you built in that survival mode and the deeper, the deeper trust your body is actually asking for right now, those are very different. Right. And so we have to recognize what is what are the differences between those and which one are uh we are struggling to access and which one will actually serve you.

SPEAKER_00 4:58

Right. Like this differentiation. Is that the word I'm looking for? The differentiation? Why does that sound weird when I'm saying that? The difference of the two, the survival mode safety, and then the actual safety. So this episode honestly was inspired um by a conversation that I've had with a client, and I've actually had the same conversations with multiple clients. And a lot of times when I keep repeating similar things, um, this is when I'm like, okay, we need to do an episode about this. Because um what stands out so deeply when I was chatting with this client was this theme of, I know how to survive, Crystal, but I don't know how to feel safe. And that exact line that she said, I was like, ooh, child, like so many, I know so many women are gonna hear that and like hear, like feel themselves in that. So I was like, you gotta talk about it.

SPEAKER_02 5:55

And a lot of women don't even realize that the identity that they are protecting is the identity that was built in an emergency status, right? Like they don't realize because they don't know anything different, they've never experienced anything different. And so if you've always been in a situation where you've had to be hyper-vigilant or extremely independent, or didn't allow yourself to drop into a sense of safety or be cared for, be supported, then yeah, it's like, well, this is this is just what it is. This is the norm. I don't know anything different.

SPEAKER_00 6:27

Right. And this is like the version of you who, like we've mentioned, like we're listing all of these because if one's resonating with you, like this is for you, right? The one who became the provider, the fixer, the achiever, the caretaker, the overthinker, the one who ultimately like doesn't need help. That version just didn't come out of nowhere. Like she learned to be adaptive. She learned uh she was intelligent, she knew what to do right off the bat, right? She was doing these things because ultimately she was trying to keep you safe, just like your nervous system.

SPEAKER_02 6:59

Yeah, but survival identities are built around control, is the primary factor, right? Because when we control, we have a level of certainty and that does feel very safe. We need that predictability. We want, uh, we want to feel useful so that way we have value, right? And we're gonna try to minimize risk as much as possible. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 7:18

That word, even a couple episodes with us, I feel like risk has been coming up a lot. We did an episode around like why does help feel so hard, right? Because of the risk. And so it's this exact thing like when life shifts or your health shifts, or maybe a relationship shifts, um, things at work, or you know, your season of motherhood, ultimately when the capacity shifts, that's when the identity starts to panic, right? Because it's saying, wait, if I don't do the thing that I once did that made me feel safe before, then who the fuck even am I? Right. And then it's like this whole I hear from a lot of women of like this identity crisis. And it's not even, it's it feels like that. It feels like the identity crisis, but it's like we're, if we could see it through this lens where it's like, oh, wait, I'm just not doing what I did in survival mode. Like I'm not doing what I've always done. I'm just doing something different.

SPEAKER_02 8:12

Yeah, but at surface level, that's really hard to conceptualize because all we're feeling in that moment is unfamiliarity, which does feel very unsafe. And it's like, oh, you know, I I can't handle the things that I used to be able to handle before. I feel so much stressed, much more stressed out than I used to be. Or um there there feels like more pressure than there ever has to continue this because what I've set up for myself is not sustainable, right? And all of that is like your body essentially telling you, hey, hello, hello. We sound the alarm, like we need help. Like it's struggling, right? And at that time, it's on the way. Yeah, like you know, the that's your nervous system talking to you.

SPEAKER_00 8:51

Yeah, and I mean, I don't mean to like downplay the like that um that cloud, right? Or like that, or like that alarm of like, oh my god, it's an identity crisis, right? But I think because that panic is so loud, it's like we can't even see this lens, right? But then when we start to break it down and we really look at it through the lens of the body, it's like the body's like, well, I don't just want another fucking pep talk here. Like, I want actual safety. And if you can just ask yourself, like, oh, well, what is actual safety? That's where it's like, oh my God, I've been seeing that. I've only been doing it this way, and like maybe that's been out of survival.

SPEAKER_02 9:28

Yeah. So if this is a new thing, or if it's the first time that you've even heard that term, survival trust. Right. Let's define that. So, what do you mean by trust that is built in survival mode?

SPEAKER_00 9:45

So, to me, survival trust, like survival trust and then actual trust. Survival trust is when you trust your ability to endure, right? Whatever comes my way, right? Like I could all figure it out, perform, overfunction, push through, um, stay useful, or like really suppress your needs and keep going no matter what, right? That's their survival trust. And it's not necessarily trust, like it's not the actual trust that you need, it's trust in you having to adapt to something. That's survival trust to me.

SPEAKER_02 10:20

Yeah. It's like um it comes through like I trust myself to get it done, or I can trust myself to not need anybody, or I trust myself to keep it all together all the time, or um, to like never disappoint people, right? But not necessarily I trust myself to rest, right? Like I trust myself with what my body needs, or I trust myself to to be able to support what's coming through for me, what what I need. Um those are big ones. And when we don't provide when our body is sounding the alarm and tells us, hey, this is something that we need, then of course we're not gonna trust ourselves. Yeah. We're like, hey, we're we're screaming and you're just ignoring me.

SPEAKER_00 11:08

Don't you hear me? Right, exactly. And I think this is where a lot of women confuse the two because I mean, like I'm sure you can also say, like, yeah, I was hella confused. I'm like, wait a second, like it's pushing up against my identity, it's pushing up against all the things that I've known myself to be, right? And the things that you feel brought you value, right, right. And because survival trust gets rewarded, like we've talked about that a lot. Like that's something we've always related on. And it's like people are gonna clap for those things, right? You're gonna see like you've been able to see results from these things to a certain point, right? And so um, it's like it's the external like validation or really outside of you that's telling you all those things, but like the internal is saying opposite, right? And so this is where, like, meanwhile, in the inside, your body's fried, right? Your mind is fucking mean to you. Like that inner mean girl is loud and she's a bitch, right? And in your nervous system is living in a state of like constant brace, right? Like bracing for impact. Like you see, you see the car coming behind you in the rearview mirror.

SPEAKER_02 12:17

Yeah, and because you've had so much external validation for it, it doesn't feel like it's just something that's safety or just survival mode over a time because it feels really good to be that bitch, you know? Like it feels really good to be the go-to for a while. And so you think this is just who I am, but you're uh you're not even stopping to ask yourself like, is this who I want to be? Or is this what I really want? Am I am I um I able to depend on me?

SPEAKER_00 12:48

Yeah, that even that reframe of like, ladies, write that down. This is just who I am. Of like, is that even who I want to be? Like, yeah, so much of this, even when we do this in story work, it's like these bold statements. And then when you break that down, it's like, okay, well, actually, who is the you know, successful whatever, or like what what does uh your best even look like? Like in this example of this client, right? She said what her best looked like, and then she said what her best looked like at the time she was comparing it to. And all of what she was saying from what it used to be actually were components of the one thing that she could describe it, because she's like, I'm having a hard time describing what my best could be now or what I want it to look like. And the one word she kept coming up with was safe, right? So it's like this is gonna be where until your body starts saying otherwise, right? Your body's gonna be talking to you. That is like this is the fatigue, this is the anxiety, this is all that brain fog and resentment. And I get it, it's not to say that all these functional pieces aren't happening and it can't be other things, but it's also like this is emotional um um like overload or like your system shutting down or like symptoms coming up, or like these inner thoughts that are getting so loud and so brutal that it I mean, it's it's like it's mental abuse kind of with yourself with yourself, not even kind of it is at some point.

SPEAKER_02 14:10

Yeah, it's like imagine if you were trying to cover, cover up the parts of you that aren't aligned with this identity that you've built around being the go-to, the fixer, this in hyper-independent person. And slowly your body is like essentially betraying that and exposing you and being like, nope, nope, I don't know who she is.

SPEAKER_00 14:30

Yeah, actually, we won't really show you what's underneath here, right? What happens when you take off that mask? So this that analogy of like the brace of looking in the rearview mirror and seeing that car coming is like this is that identity collision we're talking about, right? This is the part that most women really want to hear, or like that I want women to actually hear from this, is that when your old way of surviving stops working, it can feel like your whole identity is being threatened. And even what like when that threat is happening, that that doesn't mean anything about you. That is actually an indication of like, hey, this is where we get to to do something different, or this is where we get to take a pause and actually sit with this rather than override it.

SPEAKER_02 15:13

Yeah. And if the identity is fused with function, then there has to be intentional work done of disconnecting that, or at least unraveling it a little bit to be able to access something different or to interrupt that pattern.

SPEAKER_00 15:29

Yeah. Right. It's we can say that like run that back again slower. Identity got confused with function, right? Who I am became what I do. Who I am became how I'm useful. Who I am became how much I can hold the capacity. Who I am became how much, how I how much I give to everyone else. Who I can, who I am became how much little actually I needed.

unknown 15:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 15:55

And when they stay stuck together like that, it's like, you know, the body says, we can't keep doing this. And when you're sensing that discomfort, it doesn't just feel at first it could be like a little inconvenient, like, oh I can't do, I can't, you know, what's going on? I gotta push a little harder, right? But over time, that's where if the identity stays attached to those functions, then it's gonna feel really humiliating or really scary, or it's uh essentially it's gonna feel like failure.

SPEAKER_00 16:19

Yeah. And then that's where that feeling again, that shame creeps in. And now you're not just like, because now you're not just adjusting the behavior, right? Like you're essentially grieving like a concept of yourself, right? You're grieving the woman who always knew how to keep moving. You're grieving the woman who had it all together before she had kids. Like you're grieving the woman who is like a previous version of yourself, or maybe how you've uh used to see yourself. And it's like the woman who always had the answer, the woman who could always push past no matter what. And then it's like with this new one, there's no room for acceptance of what that new woman looks like because you're fitting on her from like a previous concept of yourself.

SPEAKER_02 17:05

Yeah, but to be fair, it's like have you even given this version of yourself or a different version of yourself a chance, right? It feels really disorienting because there's probably been years and years and years, or maybe your whole life up until this point where you are being validated for being that version, right? Or that woman. And so when, yeah, it's gonna feel like a lot of risk, a lot of fear to release her or to release components of her. It's not to say, that's the other thing. It's not to say that just because you're going to slow it down or uh address your needs, it's not all or nothing. We say this all the time, right? It's like you can still perform, you can still produce, you can still do the things that are aligned with you that make you happy. It's we're not gonna override responses that come up that are for people pleasing or accommodating or that abandon ourselves in the process. We're not going to push past our threshold and then hold resentment for it later. It's just I can still do and I can also meet my needs simultaneously along the way.

unknown 18:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 18:09

And pump the brakes when I need to.

SPEAKER_00 18:11

Yeah. And instead of naming this, like I think, you know, grief or grieving that previous version of you, right? Instead of naming it as grief or like this transition or um like uh discomfort that you're feeling in your nervous system, women off often result to those default patterns of disempowered statements, right? And like this is where like we keep hearing the same ones, like I can't do this, or I don't know how, like, I don't know. Uh I'm not that I'm not that kind of person, right? Or this this one I hear like literally tone blue in the face. I should be able to handle this. And it's like all of those, like, I should be able to handle this. Like, what?

SPEAKER_02 18:50

Well, it's all pressure, yeah. It's all pressure, and there's like a sense of finality around it.

SPEAKER_00 18:57

Yeah, exactly. And and that that's where like with slowing down and just even being able to hear yourself and like like actually that's not true, right? A lot of the time, these statements are not true. They're just they're the armor, they're the protection that you've built, they're the nervous system saying, like, hey, this is unfamiliar, and therefore this must be risk, this must be unsafe, this must be where we're doing something wrong.

SPEAKER_02 19:25

Yeah, so let's reframe the I can't and the I don't. Um, because this is a big deal. How do you tell the difference between I can't as a truth versus I can't as survival language?

SPEAKER_00 19:41

Yeah, so usually, I mean, the whole podcast is theme, the low and slow podcast. Like, slow it the fuck down because a lot you're saying this sometimes like a mile a minute right off the bat. A lot of I can't is really I haven't felt safe doing that. I don't know how to do that without abandoning myself. I've never had to do that in a regulated way before. Or like I'm scared of actually what it will cost me if I do that. I'm scared I won't be supported. I don't have evidence for this yet. These are a couple that I've collected from different sessions and things that I've done where it's like this is that language that we've just said I can't, but when we start to peel back the layers of that onion, like what are we really saying here under the I can't and the I don't?

SPEAKER_02 20:32

Yeah, and that's a really different energy when you shift the perspective.

SPEAKER_00 20:36

Yeah, because then it's like it is completely different. I can't just is gonna shut the door on it. And if if I was to say I can't versus I haven't learned this in a safe way yet, it's like, oh shit, I just opened back up that door. Well, when's the last time I did feel safe to do that? Or when's the last time? Like if I haven't learned it in a safe way uh yet, like can I what what are some of the things I even need to feel safe?

SPEAKER_02 21:02

Well, and then from that place you can shift the shame into compassion.

SPEAKER_00 21:08

Right. Right. Because so many women are essentially making unfamiliarity, meaning if they're unfamiliar with the things, then that means they must be inadequate. Like they can't do it, right? And that's not the same thing. Just because you haven't built trust outside of survival doesn't mean you're incapable of doing it. It just means that is you're in new territory, which is great, right? And sometimes I there is uh our friend Chelsea, she always would say to me that, oh, that's a beautiful place to be. And I remember being like in the thick of things and being like, a beautiful place to be. Like, what this shit sucks. But it's like it is, and I've now caught myself saying that with clients of like, oh, it's not that you actually can't, it's that you're doing something you've never done before. That's beautiful. Oh, that's that's a new edge, that's new territory. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 21:58

Otherwise, I mean. That's real. Yeah, some people do, but who wants to be in the same place forever? You know, so it's like allow yourself to expand, allow yourself to discover new territory in yourself. And then that's where the excitement happens. That's where you can you can find some shit.

SPEAKER_00 22:18

Yeah. Yeah. And in new territory, your body is gonna, it needs a different conversation because it's been hearing the same one for so long. That's not actually allowing you to expand in that new territory. So, like, what this can sound like is like, what's wrong with me? But instead, what that can sound like is like, what do I need to feel safe here? Right. Because let me acknowledge I've never been here before. What does support look like for me now? That last piece, for me now. What does support look like now? Because the time you're talking about what support looked like was a total is not the same. What is my body ultimately trying to protect me from in this new territory, in this new um, like if it's foreign, like what what is the body responding to now? What's different? And then what if this resistance is actually information? Right. And we've talked about this before of like feelings, right? The feelings are not failures, they're signals, right? What if this resistance here is actually information and not something that is the indicator of like stop or no, this is wrong.

SPEAKER_02 23:31

Yeah. And we've touched on this before, but I want to talk about why asking for help feels so hard. Because this connects really deeply to that support that's needed. When you're used to surviving or depending on only yourself, needing something from anyone else, right? Feels really dangerous and feels very vulnerable or it feels very risky.

SPEAKER_00 23:57

Yeah. And if your trust was built on self-reliance, so not relying on anyone else, then receiving can feel like a threat. It can. And slowing down, resting can feel like a threat. And not knowing, right? Having that uncertainty just be there for a second and not have all the answers, that can feel like a threat. Um having needs can feel like a threat. And then once you identify what the needs are, being able to articulate those can also feel like a threat. So it's like we want to name all these things because it's not like, you know, it's not like this is something that's easy, but it can be something that can be shifted in a simple way for you to start practicing at what feels so hard.

SPEAKER_02 24:45

And being cared for can feel very, very vulnerable, very exposing. Yeah. Yeah. It's like you're in any relationship, you're handing somebody uh a component and saying, you know, here's this piece of me that's really fragile. Please don't hurt me with it. And you're trusting them not to.

unknown 25:06

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_00 25:07

Mm-hmm. And because your safety isn't coming from control here, it's actually a release of control. Like you're, you're um sharing that essentially by even bringing them into what you're struggling with, right? It's it's like a bid for connection, right? Um, not to connect with them in the hard, but like, can somebody see that I'm struggl like this is what I'm struggling with, and like I'm asking for that so that you can connect with them and learn to support them in some kind of way, maybe than they've never received before, or just to surprise them, actually, that it's like, oh, I can be supported that way. And that's honestly a whole different skill set.

SPEAKER_02 25:48

Well, and that's a skill set that a lot of women were never taught and were also conditioned or taught to do the opposite. How many times do we judge other women for not having it together or looking weak or you know, having to rely on other people or being needy, right? Like that's something that that's a very strong message that we receive from a very young age. And it does take unlearning to be able to override that.

SPEAKER_00 26:17

Yeah, the unlearning is the different skill set, right? The unlearning is um is being able to recognize like even where it comes from, and then say, well, you know, I I've done that for so long and that's not working for me now. And in being able to recognize what you were taught, right? You were taught how to be impressive, you were taught how to be useful, you were taught to just go with the fellow, be low maintenance, not be a burden. Or you're taught to keep going, or you were taught um honestly not how to feel safe being a woman. Like a woman has needs, and gosh, it it's okay it's okay that we have them. Like the unlearned, if unlearning what we've been taught means that we are requiring or needing something, that's fine.

SPEAKER_02 27:08

Well that's worth it. That's worth looking at. Like it's worth taking a look at um what is what is the fear of being seen needing something, right? So if I were to analyze that and say, if I'm seen with my needs, what am I afraid that will happen? And most women don't understand to take it to that level. It's just like, oh, you know, I know that I'm judging myself, I know that I judge other people for it. But that it's all rooted in fear.

SPEAKER_00 27:46

Yeah, run that question back one more time. If I'm if say it slower.

SPEAKER_02 27:54

It's essentially what we say around like, what does this mean about me, right? But it's really, it's really rooted in fear. You're afraid of being seen an outcome that you're hypothesizing, right? So it's if I'm seen being having needs, right? What am I afraid will happen?

SPEAKER_00 28:12

Yeah. Yeah. And this is why women feel so much shame and and when ultimately they hit a wall, right? Because it's gonna expose the survival that got them there. And it can't, it cannot take them where they actually want to go, which then makes them create that feeling of stuckness.

SPEAKER_01 28:31

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_02 28:32

Yeah. So if survival trust isn't the end goal, right, then what is the trust that we're actually looking for?

SPEAKER_00 28:40

Well, the trust that we're looking for is actually is deeper. Like, and we touched on this in last actually a couple episodes. It's deeper and like last episode when we were talking about um messy action over perfect plans, like, or maybe it's two episodes ago. Um, two episodes ago, we were talking basically about like the perfectionism, right? And um being able to, or the bold or soft. That's what it was two episodes ago. Bold or soft. It was the missing link here, like in that vulnerability, is like the embodiment of it, is something where they can this trust is something deeper within themselves, something that they feel more convicted around. Like I can tell the truth about what I need. I can listen to my body without making it a problem. Like it's all all in these statements, they all say I can, right? And then they are very clear about what is on the other side of that. I can disappoint old versions of me to honor my current reality. I can build safety without performing it. I can trust myself to respond, not just react, right? And it's like as I was pulling these to put this together, I'm just like, this is so different. Like you guys can hear it. This is so different than the survival trust. I can learn a new way without making myself wrong for not knowing it fully yet. All right. I can be worthy even when I'm not producing, even when I'm not creating. And then this one was really powerful. Um, I can belong to myself outside of the roles that I play. And that one, I mean, it's just like you it just it sounds different if it feels different, right? When we read it with breath, and like when one of these hits in this way, this is the like you have to feed this to yourself. Like I want you guys to think about um like you're putting paper in the fax machine, like you're feeding it to your mind, right? And then over time, like as you continue to repeat those things, it's like this is that embodiment that you're looking for when you can when you can say these things with conviction.

SPEAKER_02 30:51

Belonging to yourself outside of your roles is big. And this is something that we also don't do very often because what's the first thing that you think of when somebody asks you, like, oh, what do you do? Right. That's a common question when you meet new people. And it's always related to what do we do for work? What do we produce? Where do, you know, where do we provide value? And that's where we see it all. But if we were to look at, okay, and also um with other titles like motherhood, right? So if you were to ask yourself, you know, who am I? What is what is my identity? Where do I belong to myself outside of my career or being a mom or whoever I should as a sister, whoever I show up for for everybody else, right? What if I take away all those roles that I play? Then what's left?

SPEAKER_00 31:40

Yeah. Like, how would you describe yourself? You know, it's interesting. There is like a social, um, like a networking thing that I was, I think it's called like base, something like that. And um, I was in a new city and I was, you know, just wanting to see like different things that were going on. And part of their like application is like, well, we don't want to know exactly what you do or like anything about like what you would normally tell someone about yourself, right? Because it's like, then what would you describe? And I'm not gonna lie, when I was filling that thing out, I'm like, damn, this is kind of hard. But it's like, what do you go back to of like your interests? Like, what do you enjoy? Right. And it's like, those are all things that then are just focused on you. And I think it's like this piece then that feels selfish in doing that because it's like, oh, okay, like who am I really without all these other titles or um things I need to be for other people? And so many women are actually craving that, right? They're not just craving the relief, they're not just craving the rest, they're not just craving a uh break. They want to know who am I when I'm not performing safety? Like, who am I really under here? You've said this about me before. Crystal will present really hard, and then it's like, um, she's just soft underneath. Like, yeah, absolutely. I am a soft gummy bear underneath. And it's like I've I'm still getting familiar or like feeling creating more even more safety around what that version of me looks like because I've had I had that mask on for so long.

SPEAKER_02 33:10

Yeah, and once you recognize what's underneath the mask, then can can you allow that to be enough? Can you allow it to be what it needs to be without applying pressure or shame or any other bullshit that comes up? I I think it's really important to evaluate why we feel the need to show up in that way. Like going back to you know, when you introduce yourself to people and you tell them what you do, part of it is because you believe that that's the only way that they will see value in you.

SPEAKER_00 33:46

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 33:46

Yeah. Versus, you know, I oh, I nobody wants to know that, you know, I absolutely love doodles and I, you know, like to go on hikes and I read fairy smut and I, you know, enjoy girls' trips or, you know, whatever. Like I'm really passionate about, you know, women struggling with trauma. And like people convince themselves that, oh, nobody's gonna care about all these things. These are just things that like I hide under this mask of productivity. And it's like, no, that's actually what people fucking want to know. We're craving like actual connection that's rooted in what are you outside of just what you show up to do every day.

SPEAKER_00 34:26

And that I also want to make this point here of like, think about where, I mean, it's not to go into the patriarchy, but like where this has shown up for, I mean, let's we talk, we just watch Bridgerton, right? Like you see where how much are around and deciding who's fit for marriage or whatever, what's like a good match of like how what do the what do they know how to do, right? Are they what do they bring to the table? Like this whole idea of like what gets brought to the table. And so we have learned to assign these things to ourselves of like, this is this is all that I can do rather because that's where we're looking for value. That's where we're looking for um like validation. That's where we're ultimately thinking that we can connect of having things similar. But in reality, like actually it disconnects us from actually being exactly who we are, right?

SPEAKER_02 35:20

And we're only relating on the surface level, we're not relating on things that we would actually be excited to connect about.

SPEAKER_00 35:26

Right. You may not even like the other shit that that person likes. I just think like when as we're like when we were watching Bridge and I think about this often because it's almost been through like a male's perspective of like, I mean, think about when you're, you know, interested in a man of like, oh, okay, like there's certain certain qualities, certain things. Like, what are what are people's boxes that they're trying to check off? And then women have also been like having their own boxes, right? And then it's like we've we've created this structure with in need and want in being able to connect to another person, do they have all these things so that I can do that? But it's like, no, we don't, we don't have to actually do that. We should just be able like, can we connect the souls first? Can we connect how we feel around these people? Can we connect of like like interests? And I'm not saying like, yeah, a job and all these things. I'm not saying all that shit doesn't matter. I'm just saying it's like it doesn't actually allow for the thing that we're craving, which is the connection, which is the intimacy, which is the deeper, real shit. So you said about it, can it be enough, right? Like your nervous system actually needs evidence of where it could be enough, even in that in the small moments, right? So not the giant declarations of like this is who I am, right? But like in the small moments when you start to feed yourself information, that new information, and that's what the nervous system is looking for for you to start doing and like start collecting evidence there. Like as when you show up, right? And the first thing you don't say is this, this, and this. Like if you went to that networking event and you connected with someone, like that's evidence. And you allow someone to see you in your vulnerability, that's evidence. Like, can you start to practice in a way that actually feels tangible? And so that look like what that can look like is not just awareness from this episode. Like, I want this to be something that you can start to practice. And so there's a couple things you can do here when you find yourself in that survival statement, like we were talking about. Can we catch it? Like I always think about your fishing, like you're saying the thing, oh, there it is. And it's gonna stick, it's gonna stick out to you. Because I'm sure if you're listening to this, it's like, yes, this is exactly how I feel, and I'm sick of doing this shit. So catch that survival statement. And we want you to, I know y'all are probably tired of hearing us say this, but like write it the fuck down. Okay. You don't have to go on the Google Doc. You don't have to have a fancy notebook, just write it down on something. It could be on the back of a grocery list, something you got in the mail, whatever. Just write it down. Usually it sounds like, I can't do this, I don't know who I am anymore. Uh, I should be able to handle this. Uh, I can't depend on myself. I don't trust myself. I'm not capable, I don't have what it takes, right? Catch that survival statement and then ask what is this statement protecting me from? Not is it true, not right away. Just ask, like, what is it protecting me from? What does this help me to avoid? What risk does my body associate this with? Right? Tie it back to something that you're experiencing from the body, because that's the signal. What feels unsafe about this? Or what feels unsafe here? What am I afraid that this means about me? That one's a really good one. We ask y'all, like, what does this mean about you? But what are you afraid that this means about you? Right. There's so many times women will answer. She's like, they say the thing and they're like, I don't like how that sounds coming out of my mouth. And it's like, yeah, that's the one. Write it down. Um, catch the survival statement. Ask yourself the question, right? A good question. Translate it into a safety statement. And I don't mean a fake positive statement that you said this, and I was like, oh, that's so good. That's setting off your bullshit meter. Right? A true grounded nervous system safe statement. So let's do some examples together. And if you're writing, I encourage you, as you're listening to this, to write these down so you can see it. And you can say it, you're gonna feel it as well. I the survival statement is I can't do this. The safety statement is I have not done this in a way that feels safe yet. Right? Now that door is back open. The survival statement is I don't trust myself. The safety statement is I'm learning. Can you give yourself some validation here? I am learning what trust feels like outside of survival. All right, you're already starting to prime, like inviting these other invitations of where you can learn. Survival statement looks like I should be able to handle this. The safety statement is my old way of handling things is not what I need right now. Like, what do I get to do moving forward, right? And we should on ourselves, we should on ourselves. How can we handle this? Right? Give yourself some more buy-in. Maybe you need to acknowledge this one first. Like this is peeling it all the way back of like the old way is not working anymore. So what can I do moving forward? Survival statement looks like I don't know who I am without this role. Safety statement looks like I am discovering who I am outside of this role. But just that word discovering, it's like, oh, like who do I who do I get to be? Like, who do I get to be outside of this job? Who do I get? What do I want my mornings to look like? How do I want to feel? Right? It's like I get to create like that mood board of a new version of myself that I have not discovered yet. It's exciting. The survival statement of I can't depend on my body. And the safety statement is my body is asking me to build a different relationship with safety. Can you validate rather than telling yourself that I can't, rather than just shutting your body completely down, can you bring it back into the conversation? It's like, I hear you, body, and I get that you're wanting, like, you're wanting me to establish a different relationship with this. Like, this is gonna be where I focus. So catch the statement, ask the question, translate it into a safety statement. And that's sometimes the piece where if you're uh confused about that, right? Like it could be that simple line, but you can ask for help and support with this as well. And then ask that one regulating question. What do I need right now? When I have a client, I d uh when I have a client that is so hung up on a specific feeling, nine times out of ten, I ask them, what is the need underneath that feeling? What do I need right now? What would make this even feel five percent safer than what it does right now? What am I assuming that I have to do alone? Right? A lot of times when we feel unsafe, it's because we feel alone. What what part of me is asking for support or reassurance or um like not like validity? Like what part of what part of me is asking for, like, okay, it's uh it's okay to feel like this and I hear you, and like how can I support you? What would honoring your current capacity look like today?

unknown 43:02

Right?

SPEAKER_00 43:02

Can you just take it one thing at a time? So I know that was kind of long, but we're gonna run through those again because this is something you can start to tangibly do.

SPEAKER_02 43:11

And the point is not to pretend that you're fine. I think that that is the go-to most of the time, is just to say, oh, well, it's fine. Doesn't matter how I feel, we're just gonna keep pushing, right? But this is the opposite of that. We're not pretending that we're fine. It's about being really honest with yourself and looking at places where historically you felt trapped, but you want to feel differently. And some women are not gonna resonate with uh the word unsafe, right? Or the the idea of safety. And we get that because this is not always language that's used commonly, and it's not like when when most people will think of safety, they think of like physical safety. And this is different. So essentially, if if this feels like, oh, I don't know what they're talking about. I I don't ever feel unsafe, right? It's like yeah, it's like it's a it's a discomfort.

SPEAKER_00 44:00

It's a uncomfortable or like a foreign feeling. Yeah. Yeah. Or like this also too, and that uh, you know, we went with safety here today, but like um like contentness or comfortability or like uh confidence is like this is how this comes out a lot of times for other women too.

SPEAKER_02 44:20

Yeah. And a go-to is uh if you're afraid of how you're being perceived, that's probably rooted in a feeling of unsafety.

SPEAKER_01 44:33

Because uncertainty.

SPEAKER_02 44:34

You're yeah, you're not feeling good about how you're seeing yourself, and that's why you're fearing the way other people see you.

SPEAKER_00 44:42

Yeah. And so the goal here too is not to like gaslight yourself into positivity, like the pretending you're fine, you're gonna like the first maybe a couple times you do this, you're that may be how you want to handle things. I encourage you, I like lovingly challenge you to stop doing that, right? Because it's it's keeping you in that loop. And um, it's not about just I'm like I hear a lot of women say this too. Oh, but I'm so blessed. Like, yeah, you could be blessed, but like let's not gaslight ourselves here, right? The goal here is to build language that helps your body feel met. The goal here is to establish a relationship with yourself that is vulnerable, that allows you to just be honest, that this your body's asking to connect with you in a way that you clearly have not done before, which is okay. And just like we're seeking that connection from others, that vulnerability, right? That intimacy is like we have to create that within ourselves first so that we can feel embodied in that way.

SPEAKER_02 45:46

Yes. So if this episode hit home, make sure that the part of you that learned how to survive, you know, is not a bad part. It doesn't, it's not that it's a negative thing. She's not the enemy in this, right? She's probably the reason why you're where you are to begin with right now. And so that's okay. Can I show gratitude for that version of myself and also show compassion for the fact that she needs something different now?

SPEAKER_00 46:14

Yeah, yeah. And you do not have to shame the survival self in order to become the safe self, right? That's what we say. Like, celebrate her. You get to think her. Celebrate her is not like, oh, throw her the party, right? But like thank her. Like we have so many women say, like, oh my God, I feel like sad for that little girl, or you know, my previous self that had to do that, right? And like, here's where you get to still admit that she's not the final version of you and or the final version of trust that you need anymore, and that you get to think her and then also give yourself permission to evolve to move forward.

SPEAKER_02 46:51

Yeah, and just because something, you know, doesn't work the way that it used to, it doesn't mean that you're failing or that there's something wrong with you, or that you know, you're getting you're just getting old, and this is just the way that it is now. It's like, no, there's different seasons. So for every new season of life, it requires a different capacity or different needs come up that need to be met, and it's just honoring that.

SPEAKER_00 47:15

Yeah. Yeah, you're just at the point where survival is no longer enough for the life that you actually want. And girl, you hit that point. That's a great point. That is not failure, just an invitation. Like, what does the life that I want actually look like? It gets to be exciting.

SPEAKER_02 47:29

Yeah, and can can it be built from a place that's not based in performance? So it's like we can take the mask off, and the identity isn't dependent on just you know what I produce or what I provide to other people.

SPEAKER_00 47:43

Yeah. Yeah. So if you can take away anything from this episode today, let it be this. Let it be that sometimes I can't is not the actual truth. But can you handle the actual truth? Right. Sometimes it's just the language of a nervous system that hasn't learned what actually real safety gets to feel like. And when you start to be vulnerable with yourself and you start to use that tangible takeaway that we talked about, right? The catching the survival statement, the translating it into something that is in the direction of the safety you're wanting, right? And to ask yourself actually what you need now instead of shaming what you needed before, right? Because she got you here. And it's time to start thanking her. So we really appreciate you guys listening to the podcast. If you can please, please, please do us a favor, give us five stars, take some time to write some words, what stood out to you. We want to know like what you've been hearing that you've been liking. Like we would like to hear feedback so that we know how to keep showing up and delivering you guys uh fun podcast episodes and messages that are hitting for you. We also have where you can request a reframe. So you always have that option that door is open to drop a dilemma, drop maybe something you've been saying to yourself. It doesn't have to be like a paragraph long. We just we want to hear from y'all. So send some things in and um anything else for them, like that you have?

SPEAKER_02 49:09

No, just write and review, engage with us. We want to hear from you. We'll talk to you next time.

SPEAKER_00 49:13

Yeah. If wait, one last thing. We have our we have our retreat coming up. If you heard a couple episodes ago, we went into why retreats are just so important for women and kind of our personal stories with that. Um, and we really, really encourage you if you've been listening and you heard something that resonates with you to please we do not bite, like reach out to us, see if this could be a fit for you. If this episode or any of our recent episodes where we're giving you tangible takeaways, you've been doing them and maybe you want more support on them. This could be the perfect container for you to allow yourself to be seen, for you to see yourself, for you to be held, and for you to ultimately put yourself, put this investment back into yourself in a way that is actually going to give you the results that you're looking for. So we'll see you in the next episode. Bye. Bye.