The Low & Slow Podcast
Welcome to The Low & Slow Podcast, we're your girls Crystal and Laken! We invite you to pull up a seat to the conversation as we help women shift their mindset. Here everything is on the table for real, raw, and honest conversations about women's work. We created That Girl Magic because we’ve been where you are. By sharing our stories and experiences we want to help women see they can redefine their story and take aligned action in their life. That their stories of guilt and shame or being stuck does not have to stay their current reality. Get ready to breathe low and slow xo!
The Low & Slow Podcast
Ep. 28: Learning to Feel Safe Without Overfunctioning
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You don’t overfunction because you want to.
You overfunction because it feels safe.
Being the one who:
Handles everything
Figures it out
Holds it together
…became your normal.
And now that you’re trying to slow down, soften, or receive support…
your body resists it.
Because safety, for you, has always been tied to control.
In this episode of The Low & Slow Podcast, Crystal and Laken explore what it actually looks like to feel safe without overfunctioning.
They break down how overfunctioning becomes a nervous system pattern, why slowing down can feel destabilizing, and how to begin building safety in a new way — without abandoning yourself or forcing change.
Because healing isn’t about becoming a different person overnight.
It’s about teaching your body, slowly:
“I don’t have to hold everything anymore.”
Follow along, tune in, and let’s get into your next mindset shift!
It means the world to us if you would rate, like, save, share, and most importantly hit that subscribe button! And if something you heard today hit home for you, share it with your world. There is plenty of room at our table.
She looks like she has it together.
But inside, she’s tired of being the strong one.
Peace. Play. Love. is for her.
A retreat where the armor comes off,
the nervous system softens,
and self-trust becomes the loudest voice in the room.
June 2026.
This is your pause and your pivot.
Check out our Women’s Retreat we are hosting —The Peace.Play.Love Retreat
Deets: https://offers.thatgirlmagic.co/ppl-retreat
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Ways to work with us: Book With Crystal - Book With Laken
Welcome to the Low and Slow Podcast. We're your girls, Crystal and Lakin. If you press play today, trust. You made the right decision. And know whenever you're listening to this, it's exactly the right time. We invite you to pull up a seat to the conversation, get curious about your current perspective, and lean in for the opportunity to see yourself in another woman's story. We created that girl magic because we've been where you are. Here, the talk is real and the breath is steady. Let's get into your next mindset shift.
SPEAKER_02Welcome back to the Low and Slow podcast. It's your girls, Crystal and Lakin. And today, ladies, we are here. We showed up. It has been a bit of a day, if you've ever had one of those days. And today's conversation might feel a little bit different because we're circling back on something we've talked about before. Um, but we're giving you a different perspective or a different lens to see things through.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, we want to go deeper than just the awareness. We've talked a lot about that. And today we're gonna focus a little bit more on what happens when you actually have to, or when you don't have to, when you try to make a change, right? Because a lot of us have already figured out that we're overfunctioners. I am a fellow overfunctioner. So hi, my name is Lincoln and I'm an overfunctioner. Welcome to the club. Um there's a lot of times we get to a place, yeah, where we don't have a lot of confusion about that necessarily, but there can be a lot of confusion like in the body, or how that shows up in relationship dynamics when you are working on not doing that anymore, and that's gonna feel different. It's gonna feel awkward, and there can be parts of that that are really unfamiliar.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. So we've talked about because we've talked about that survival mode and because we have talked about overfunctioning. Today we're talking about this moment right here, when you stop doing what you've always done and nothing feels normal anymore, right? Because this is where we're talking about like the pattern interrupt, right? And what happens when um you don't just jump into doing that new thing, right? Because everything nothing feels normal, nothing feels familiar, nothing feels safe, right? So when you don't fix it, when you don't take over, when you don't overexplain, when you don't do the behavior that you were have been so ingrained to normally do, why? Because that's been the shit on the carousel on repeat, and you just sit there, you just sit there and observe it and see, like, oh, this is what I used to do, and this is what I'm not doing. What?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, that that shit makes me itch. Like my my eye will be over here twitching, like, what do you mean just sit here and not do not jump in, not do it right? So let's yeah, there's always there's always a moment, there's always a moment that we identify as overfunctioners where we could step in and what if you don't, right? And it's usually um small, normal situations. It's not always like a big dramatic one, but it could be like like a tone shift or you know, a pause in a conversation that feels really uncomfortable to sit with silence or someone else's perceived disappointment, right? Or like um sometimes emotions that feel messy that feel really difficult to hold is another one, right? And and you can feel like it's my job to do something about that. That's very automatic and that's kind of the go-to. But you know, if we're always telling ourselves, okay, let me manage this or let me smooth this over or let me make it better, we have to recognize that that's a default setting, but that's also an opportunity for a huge rip.
SPEAKER_02Right. Where new evidence of where you can do different. And I think it's like, can we just normalize the it's like, okay, you just sit there and you're like, I know I can do something, right? But I'm choosing intentionally not to, right? And that moment feels really loud and it physically feels uncomfortable. Like you got the twinge, I have that like little twitching, right? And it's it's in that moment where you can also, and you don't realize it in the moment, but when you zoom out, it's like, gosh, this is my opportunity where I get to give myself new evidence, where I get to be my new evidence because I'm intentionally choosing to not do what I've already done.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, because your whole body's screaming in that moment. You're you're like, say something, you know, fix it or do something, right? It's like you can feel the urgency, like uh that that um taking action will give you the safety that you're looking for in that moment, right? But the overfunctioning isn't just a OCD behavior, right? A lot of times it will feel that way, like this compulsion, but it's really like your nervous system is trying to get relief in that moment.
SPEAKER_02Right. And this is where where we've talked about, like, remember a couple episodes ago, the radical practice of doing absolutely fucking nothing. Yeah, that in that moment, that's the piece, right? This is what we talked about, the messy in between. That's the piece. When this comes up and you don't do what you normally did, and your nervous system is asking you for safety. Safety is the old shit that you used to do because it's familiar. But right now is your opportunity to create new safety, new evidence. And maybe that just looks like, like we've said, staying with yourself through those uncomfortable feelings, not saying anything, just really feeling it. And yeah, you may have a physical response to it, and that's okay. Like the thoughts probably to follow are gonna come in very quickly, right? Because that inner dialogue that we talk about, it's going to the nervous system has one main job to protect you. And so when we're not doing the thing that we have been um known to give us to do to give us safety, that's when the the mind's gonna try and override. Because what the body's saying is like body's like, hey, I'm unsafe, I'm unsafe, do something. And the mind's like, I've got you, but the mind's with all the old shit, right? The mind is saying, like, um, like this is gonna fall apart, or you should have just handled it. Like if you would have done it, it would have been okay, right? Um, or maybe if you because you didn't say something, they're gonna think that you didn't care, right? It's it's gonna start spinning all these wheels.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, or that self-blame comes in a lot. It's like, oh, this is your fault now because you didn't do anything to fix it. And I want to slow that down because that that will really keep you trapped in inaction. This thought of like, if I don't intervene, then I'm responsible for what happens next. And that's not that's not like this intuitive hit where it's like, oh, I need to do something, right? It's like that's usually conditioned over time. And that is something that you learned somewhere along the way, you know, that everybody else's peace was your job. Everybody always, you know, we hear that from women all the time, like, oh, I just need to keep the peace, or I don't want to cause any problems, or I don't want to make any waves. I just want this peace. But that piece isn't happening and either way, right? And then you're making it into your own personal failure.
SPEAKER_02Right. And it's damn sure not happening within yourself. When your body and those alarms are going off and then the mind's going off. Can we just sit with the body, even just with our own hands, just like staying with ourselves, going back to the breath? You know, I had a client ask me this today. It's like, okay, well, what do I do with myself when I then do different and I'm uncomfortable as hell? It's like, okay, well, can we do what are some things we can do? We can start to write down some of these thoughts, right? Not just think them, write them down. We can use our own physical hands, put them on our body, like talk to our body. Hey, I tell it what you're experiencing. I get you're experiencing this, right? We can breathe, we can slow down, right? It's it's this reality check that's coming in that's basically saying, like, you know, who you were before, the fixer, the person who's just gonna take it on as theirs, right? Here's what's wild about that is that when you stick with yourself through not doing those old patterns, most of the time, actually nothing fucking happens, right?
SPEAKER_00Yeah. Or if something does happen, you have to realize it, take the space for yourself to realize like it's not necessarily yours to manage. And this is where like your brain's gonna argue with you because you there's a lot of social reward or cultural bias of being the one that handles it, right? Always being the one that takes care of it. Like you, I'm sure you've probably been called like mature or reliable or like the strong one, or like, oh, like they're the glue that holds our family together, right? So it's like when you step in, it can feel like you're doing something really valuable.
SPEAKER_02Right. It's giving save the day energy, right? But in saving the day for everyone else, you are you're going further from the day that you actually want. It's like I'm I'm having to adopt these identities, the fixer, the martyr, the you know, the overfunctioner, the no, no.
SPEAKER_00Well, you're also not letting other people have their own experience. Correct. Right? It's like if I have to be the curator and the director of everything and stuff can't unfold without me getting involved, then the that creates a skewed environment also.
SPEAKER_02Right. Right. It's it's this moment where you can step into uh step out of like being the um like being the participant in it and actually be like the main character of like I'm not worrying about what's happening outside of me in this game. I'm only worrying about what's happening within me, within my game. Cause then I don't have to absorb all everything else. And that's what I mean by nothing happens of like you stayed with yourself through that. What happened within you? Oh, I just was uncomfortable. Well, that's it. Okay, oh, I'm just so uncomfortable. Okay, take that in as information. The discomfort isn't the actual situation, and here's where we flip it, right? The discomfort you're feeling is not about actually what happened in the conversation, in the, you know, thing that went wrong that day. It's about the pattern that you just interrupted. And this is something where when you recognize that you do that and nothing happens, it's like, okay, the pattern that you interrupted, something did happen, but it's not that shiny reward or that um that feedback from other people that is celebrated. But this is where you can recognize that. It's like, what do we build awareness for if we're not going to recognize that when we have the awareness, it then brings choice, right? And I gave this client, I gave my client last week an analogy of like the gas is the um the gas is the decision and the break is the discernment, right? So like when something happens and we're sticking with ourselves in that uncomfortable thing, we have so we have a little bit of discernment here of like, am I going to step in? If I'm not going to step in, great. That I that was the choice, right? I'm not gonna hit the gas here. We're used to always just hitting the gas. And then we decide and we decide and we decide. But when we hit that, when we can actually hit the break and say, what is this discern what's best for me? Then we can go back to, oh, okay, well, I can, I don't have to hit the gas here. And the decision is I just decided to do nothing, and that's okay.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, like the discomfort itself is is the withdrawal from the addiction that you are used to getting, right? Like the overfunctioning is that quick fix for your system that's used to feeling in control. It's all about the control. So when you don't do it, your body's responding like, wait, uh, where's where's that relief that we're hoping for from taking control of the situation? And that's why it feels so big, even when the moment itself or the situation itself can be something that's really small.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, yeah. And you know, this is also something to note here is like you're not that's what I mean about like the um the game, right? Like, are you the main character in this game? Right? You're not used to watching life just happen around you, right? It's like um you're just witnessing something that without having to insert yourself into it, and that's that's what's new, right?
SPEAKER_00Like yeah, because you're used to controlling all the outcomes. You're you're telling yourself, like, oh, if I don't do it, nobody's gonna do it, right? If I or if I don't do it, it's not gonna get done right. So when you don't, it feels like there's something wrong. And it's like you get this feeling like you're being irresponsible almost, or that you're being um cold or indifferent. Like, oh, well, if I'm not involved, then that means that I don't care enough. And that's also probably side note, that's probably something that you've been told by your mother at some point, and that she was told by her mother, right? Just looping that in. Um, but it's like you're actually practicing something that most women were never taught, which is like witnessing without rescuing and being present without having to perform. Like that's something that we we don't practice intentionally enough, and letting people solve their own discomfort without you having to jump in and be like the emotional, you know, officer all the time.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. Yeah. You are not just the character, like you're the player. You're real recognizing like your part in this and what's what's operating for you. And you know, the the change that happens is when the game rearranges itself around you, meaning like you're just in your field here, right? Only worrying about what's operating for you, and everyone else is having their own experience. Um I want to something you said, um something you said just right before this. I I had something and I don't know, it left me. Um, but it in that moment, I want you to think back to like give maybe a personal reflection of this because some when you were saying about um like not having to be the what did what word did you use? Like the supervisor or like the s the one who's managing the thing, like can give an example for yourself, and I'll give one too, of where um just maybe within a family dynamic or within relationship or within, you know, a friendship, or within anywhere where you have found yourself, like which one do you normally find yourself falling into? And like what do you give an example of what you did different to break it?
SPEAKER_00Which one of what?
SPEAKER_02Um like a pat like a pattern where you interrupted it and then you decided to not do different. I mean, just oh yeah, different.
SPEAKER_00Well, I mean, it was very conditioned in me to have to have control over the situation. Like I'm the oldest of five, and I was, you know, in charge of making sure that everything was done the way that it was supposed to be around the house. Like I'm I'm like running the house, right? So um growing up and how that played out in dynamics, you know, moving forward, either with my family or outside of my family, even with roommates, like in college, right? I would get really upregulated really easy because it was if things weren't operating in a certain way, or if, you know, heaven forbid we didn't get the trash out on trash day, or like if this, you know, if the sink wasn't empty, then it's like it meant all this, uh it meant chaos for me, right? Which felt really unmanageable, especially with the stress of going to school full-time, working, trying to pay my way through school. And so it was like this compound effect. Not until later did I have the tools or even the language to recognize oh, you know, other people may not necessarily do things the same way that I do, and that's okay. And me stressing about the way that they're doing it, even though we're sharing a living environment, doesn't make it any better for either one of us. And so if I can just take a pause and recognize, okay, well, the dishes are gonna get done at some point when they get done. And even if the other person doesn't do them in the timeline that I like or the way that I like to do them, I can also recognize that if I do them, I'm doing it for me. I'm doing, I'm doing it because I want that outcome. I'm not a martyr that's doing it for them. I'm not someone that's, you know, being punished or taken advantage of. It's it's just something that makes me feel better. And so if I'm choosing to do it, then I'm doing it for me, or I can sit with the discomfort of allowing it to just be in place because someone else's experience is different than mine, and that's okay.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. Yeah. And and, you know, in in that example, it's like environment is a huge thing, right? That it affects your nervous system, where it's whenever you're coexisting, co-regulating, co-living, like with anyone else, right? It's like that's two different nervous systems that are there. And like it's interesting to hear you even just say the like chaos, right? Everyone's inner chaos is gonna look different. And environment plays a role about, I mean, if we say all the time, like our mind responds to the environment that I mean, our body responds to the environment that our mind creates. Same thing like with our living space, right? That's that's that's huge. Um I've I would say a time like where when that happens is like I've noticed a lot with um dynamics of between me and my mom, or even like with my sisters, or when when they were having um things between them. And, you know, naturally, yes, oldest of three girls, and um it it is a tumultuous like family dynamic and relationship that um happened and played out, but it was it was always that feeling of like I had to step in. I actually I think we t we talked about this on um after the holidays, where it's like I was back in an environment of first time being back in Jersey um for Christmas, and there was the dynamic that was happening among my cousin, her son, and then me and my mom. And we were coming in on their space, right? They were having um their first Christmas without their dad and and her husband. And um, it was just interesting to be able to see where I would have normally stepped in, where I would have normally tried to make sure everyone was okay. What did I need to do, right? Did I need to um like make sure everything was handled? Did I need to, you know, cook all the food? Did I need to, you know, make sure like everyone was good at the expense of myself, just to be able to be in an environment where I could feel comfortable. And it was at that time where I did not do that. And it was like, okay, well, whatever's happening around me, even if there's chaos, even if things are going to shit, even if, you know, maybe it's not the ideal Christmas that I wanted, but I was so proud because I decided to do different. I didn't absorb what was happening around me. And I think even using that language is important because so often women, we do absorb what's around us, or we or we can, right? And it that is where, like, gosh, we build all this fucking awareness. Can we see that the awareness gives us choice? The awareness gives us the opportunity to choose different and ultimately choose ourselves. So we want to make some of these moments that we just shared. Each of us shared one of our own. We want to make some of these moments real, right? Um, where can this show up in the day-to-day? This looks like maybe not answering immediately, right? When something comes through, I don't have to get back right away, right? It's like we're constantly overwhelmed by all these fucking notifications. Can not answer right away. Not fixing someone else's mood, right? That's something we are learned. We learn this in childhood because that is the thing. If I can anticipate how a parent or someone else was feeling, I can then be safe, right? I can then know what I need to do. Um, not overexplaining yourself, right? Being able to just say the thing and then being quiet. Like it that that one's hard for me. Uh that one's really hard for me. Um, letting someone misunderstand you.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, that one's a big one. Letting letting someone misunderstand you is next level because for a lot of us, being misunderstood feels really unsafe. Yeah, well, your body's gonna read it as rejection, right? So when you try to correct it or, you know, clarify it or clean it up or like explain what's happening, but the overexplaining is often you just trying to regain control of the way that you're being perceived in that situation. And it's like, if I can just allow myself to be misunderstood, you know, and this is like not forever and not like in an abusive situation, but like in everyday moments where people are maybe like projecting or assuming or things like that, right? It's like it helps me to realize that I don't have to chase approval to be safe. And also I'm so solid in myself and who I am that it's okay if other people misunderstand because I'm not misunderstanding myself.
SPEAKER_02Right, exactly. Right. And it when you can, when you can even just even come from a place of um, it's conviction that, yeah, I I said what I said kind of thing, and that's it. Right. The over explaining where where that even lives is because, like you said, it's like I am I am trying to I am trying I am actually saying what I think I need to say in order for me to feel safe, but that is actually then to the other person really highlighting that it's like, oh, like it's not that deep. Like, okay. Like whatever, whatever it's it is whatever you said it was, right? But it's actually saying more about you when when you choose to overexplain. So this is where sometimes we've talked about where the identity cracks, right? Because when you're choosing different, when you have this awareness, um, when you're interrupting the patterns, the a lot of those patterns are tied to the identity that you've built. So who are you if you're not the one who fixes it? Right? Um, who are you if you're not the one that makes it all better? Who are you, like what's your role, right? What what are you, what are you here for in this relationship or in this family or in this job title?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, and there's grief associated with that. Like you have to grieve the loss of that identity because you for many of us, right, you may have built your whole identity around being needed. And when you stop over functioning, you can temporarily feel like pointless, right? Or like purposeless and or uh guilty. And if you feel like you're failing at being, you know, like a good daughter, mother, friend, partner, leader, whatever it is, but really like you're possibly just meeting the version of yourself that exists without constantly having to prove yourself, like that's that's creating more space for you.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. And it's it's in being able to not be needed when you actually find out what you need for yourself. Right. It's like, gosh, I can separate myself and in that grieving process, separate what I thought I needed to be. Like, can I think that version of me that got me here? But like I can actually separate of like, do I even want to be those? This this came up with my client this week. Um they were doing let-offs at work, and that included her. And she had to like draft her own, uh, because she's in HR, she had to draft her own like uh terms, agreements, or whatever to let her go. And it's like, in the thick of it, you know, why did this happen to me? Right. Like I've I've been here for, you know, for so long and this, and I'd like the job and all the things. And I'm um, she, there's that pattern that came up of like, I am being told I'm let I'm being let go, but then I'm needing to put together all the paperwork, send it to myself, and also sit with that and with the weight of, you know, I know this affects other people's livelihood. Um, and in that, it was like, well, let me know what you need need to help with. But in reality, right, because that's where it's like she finds her value in being able to help, even though it's a fucked situation, right? It's like, I'm, I'm, where can I still be of value here? Because that's what I know, that's what I've, that's what I do. That's my job, that's my identity, that's what I've built here. And when we worked, what happened to be able to have her look back and be able to say, like, do I like there were some things that I was so consumed by that this happened to me that I'm was missing that over the three years, things have really changed. And do I want to be a part of a company that, you know, um operates? I'm not gonna go into the details, but operates in that way, right? Is this even what I want? This company had more work-life balance than the last company that I was with, but is it actually giving me what I need? Because I'm giving the company what it needs, but is it giving me what I need? So it's like this identity shift or crack that happens in when this happens, it's not in the moment it feels like it's a bad thing or that it's hard, or that it's like, God, uh, like who the fuck am I? kind of thing. But it's actually it's it's beautiful because it's like on the other side of that crack is who you is the reflection back of who you've been wanting to be, and maybe that you haven't been allowing yourself to be.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, um, and getting there is not not easy, not an unbumpy road, right? Like, all right, becoming the version of yourself that exists without providing or proving or being the one that's helping or you know, um being the go-to all the time, like people are gonna notice that more than likely when you have that shift, right? Because if if you change any pattern, uh the system that that pattern is in is gonna respond, right? So if someone is used to you managing emotions, then silence can feel like abandonment to them, right? And it's not because you're doing something wrong, but it's because if someone was previously benefiting from your overfunctioning, they are going to recognize where that is now lacking. And it's very possible that that could be projected onto you as something that, well, you're not doing this anymore, right? Or like you used to do this, or you know, um, things have changed.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, that's a that's I mean, that's the realest thing. And that is probably what you'll hear. But this is where it's like, it's so exciting. Uh, I'm and I and I want to like let me validate that yes, it's not gonna seem like that at first, but when you can see this through a different lens, when you can even look back on this time and see that, gosh, I am handling things differently. And it's actually in a way that actually works for me instead of everyone else. And so everyone else reacting is because they're reacting to a previous version of you that quite literally you are no longer. And that is scary, right? But it's like it's also on the other side of like jumping into that next version of yourself of who you are without overfunctioning. It's like, God, I get to have so much more purpose than what I thought was of so much value. It's like it actually has you start to question the things that you value, right? I think 2020 was a huge thing with this within COVID of like questioning of like, yeah, I had this job, yeah, we have, you know, all this stuff. But when things really slow down of like, what am I actually valuing? In my, we had so much free time at home. Like we got into hobbies we hadn't done before like in forever. We were spending more time with family, we were outside more, you know, all of these things. Work-life balance became um more of a a necessity, it's a need, first of all, but more a part of the conversation because it had just been this way for for so long until something came in and disrupted it. And that's what I mean. Like when you step into that, that when that crack comes and people react, like it's there may be some pushback, right? There may be those, um, those shifts that are happening and those mirrors back to you of who you used to be. But it actually is like a beautiful space and opportunity to make sure the person that you are then becoming after that is actually who you want to be.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. And I mean, that pushback could look like, you know, people asking, are are you okay? Or did I do something wrong? Or, you know, why, like I said, why are you being different? And what's tricky is those questions are gonna make you want to resume that responsibility. Like you, it's your job to reassure or soothe or explain or or correct what feels like a problem. But sometimes the most loving thing that you can do is just to let people feel their own discomfort of your new boundary, right? And you don't have to make your growth comfortable for everyone.
SPEAKER_02That's a bar, right? Or even that subtle guilt, right? That guilt that comes up is like ultimately it's it's there slightly because yeah, that was a previous version of you, but what is coming up for someone else by you stepping into your magic, you stepping into your next level self is like, can you stay with yourself there? Because it's when you're looking elsewhere of what is maybe being mirrored back to you or or being said back to you that it like don't allow that to water that down. Like this is this is the hard work and you're doing it, right? You're not fixing, you're not over-explaining, but you're staying with yourself. You're staying anyway. Um, you're giving yourself the opportunity to to meet yourself.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, like staying with that discomfort or staying with that silence or like the you know, the compulsions that come up, those urges, like the the old version of you would sprint back into control and like to make the feeling go away. But the new version, that's the intentional practice, is like, oh, I I can tolerate this, like I can I can sit with this, I can hold this, like the regulation is where that power is. And that's ultimately where all that self-trust can come in because I'm keeping that promise to myself.
SPEAKER_02I the session I just had before we recorded, she said, I said, Who are you when you get to put this down? And she said, um, what did we translate it to? It was how like basically, like, how do I get to hold this different? Right? How do I get to hold this different so that I can meet who I am when I no longer am caring yet? Right. And you know, in teaching yourself this new way of being, there's there's that feeling of like we don't have to jump in anymore. We don't have to um we don't have to fix everything, right? Because you're actually learning a new skill that is is required for you to step in and shift to who you want to be. It's like, oh, I didn't step in and actually I'm okay.
SPEAKER_00Everything's yeah, because the body is gonna, the body's gonna respond, right? Like there's gonna be restlessness, there's gonna be anxiousness, there's gonna be, you know, uncomfortable, like it's gonna feel really uncomfortable. But this is this is what happens when we teach it something new. So yeah, it's going to feel rough, but it's like just reminding yourself, just like when you learn to ride a bike, right? Like you're gonna fall. It's gonna, it's gonna feel not great all the time, but that's the idea of practice. And when you have that shift, like that's the moment that you can start building the evidence. It's it's not um, it's not just telling yourself, like, oh, like I believe I'm safe, right? It's like this is real evidence that you have to feel because your body is learning it. You're like, you're relearning this process. And every time that you don't rescue or you don't come in and overmanage, or you don't come in and fix a thing that feels like it needs your attention, right? It's like you have to recognize this is where we talk about like celebrating the wins, or you know, just acknowledging the fact that nothing catastrophic happened. And that's when that pattern starts to loosen the reins on you a little bit.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. And this isn't about becoming passive to things. Like I want to make sure that this is very clear. It's not about becoming passive. This is about becoming intentional. Intentional with when you purposely choose to not do something. I don't mean passive, ignore all your responsibilities, don't set the butt you know, I don't I don't mean that. I mean intentionally decide to do something different, to use your gas pedal in a way that actually works for you rather than against you, because you've given yourself the chance to discern, to discern of like, am who like who really am I doing this for? Right. And that that because it's new, it's it's a muscle. It's something you have to build, it's something you have to practice, it's something that I'm I'm like think about like um like football players. Like you gotta watch film on yourself. Like I gotta run these different things back of like when I have like can I have a reference point of when you know holidays are a really good one, like I brought up earlier. Like, well, the previous Christmas I did this and it was this. And then this Christmas I did this, and actually that felt better for me, even though it went this way, right? Like, can we just give ourselves these mile markers and these new reference points about times where we have intentional intentionally chose because if we do not if we have all this awareness and we don't choose different, it's a merry-go-around. It's still, it's cyclical, it's still happening. And the patterns are not going to go away. You just get to meet them differently, and that's the intentional action.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, and I think, you know, we talked, I've talked about this before of um like authenticity versus obligation, right? And I think that that's a this is a really key place where this can show up. Like the difference of like I'm helping because I genuinely want to versus I'm helping because I can't tolerate the feeling of not being needed, right? Like that's a huge distinction. And one is coming from a place of authenticity, and one is coming from a place of obligation. And when you come from authenticity, that's that's shit is sustainable forever, right? It's like I can keep showing up this way because I'm coming from a place of feeling filled up and I have so much that I want to genuinely give to other people as opposed to, you know, I have to come in and fix it all the time, like it's gonna get fucked up if I don't take care of it. Like when I come from that place of obligation, like that feels oppressive and it feels like pressure and it feels like draining to me.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, it's depleting, right? The other one is is it's um fulfillment, right? It's fulfilling, it's filling you back up. Why? Because you've given yourself what you need.
SPEAKER_00So you know that's where like that power is, right? It's like it's not, it's not we think that we have this misinterpretation that the power is in doing more. Like if I do all the things, then I hold the power because I have control over the situation. But the power is actually in choosing when to move and when not to. Like it's choosing, I get to decide where my energy goes. I get to have a clean yes, right? And it's not something that feels um constrictive in my body or in my nervous systems, like realizing that I don't have to overextend to belong. Like I'm not gonna be rejected if I don't constantly overextend. And guess what? If you are rejected because you are not overextending yourself, those are not your people, right? And and a lot of times when women get to this place, it's the first time that they recognize that there is freedom in that experience and they haven't felt that before. And that can feel scary sometimes too. And but it's it's just this realization that like I don't have to manage everyone else's experience anymore.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. And when you start to do that, even with those people are not for you, right? They always say it's like you can't buy a new car if you still got the junk one in the driveway, like you've got to create room, and they had to leave so that you can be how you are, and then you will start to attract, right? That's how I felt really about within lifted, right? It's like there was I had separated from different groups and things that I had been in, and it was like it was lonely for a minute, but then it's like with this work that you're doing in yourself, then it's being able to find people who are also doing that work, and it it is it's so fulfilling when it's like, God, I I got the chance to just be, to just exist, and that was enough to just and and have people be inherently just interested in who the fuck I actually am because I'm showing up as that. Right. And so if you're if you're in this space right now where you're trying not to overfunction and you're talking to two of the most overfunctioners ever, okay, um, and it feels uncomfortable, good. Okay, we're happy that it feels uncomfortable for you because you're doing it. If it didn't feel uncomfortable, this wouldn't be any different. So the fact that it feels uncomfortable, can we just normalize that everything that is good for us doesn't always feel comfortable? It's actually the opposite. And if it feels uncomfortable, this is not that everything's going to shit. This is that you're choosing different and and you're doing it. Specifically with these women in this program of like, you're doing it. And until they realize that it's like, wait a second, I'm just wait, I am doing it. Like, fuck, like I had to catch it. Oh, I did like I've had so many wins with clients this week of like, I have one girl, she's fucking almost 20 days completely sugar-free, and went to her other house that's in in Maine, and all the things, and you know, there's so many things around her. And it's like she gave herself for the first time evidence of like, I did different and I'm okay, and and like here we are, and I'm on my way to day 30, and then you know, I can decide what I want to do from there. But she's like she's she's in she's in the place that's uncomfortable, and it's like, girl, you're actually doing it. And for her to be able to recognize that is like gosh, just it's it's special because it's not about me telling her, it's about her. She knows, like she's telling her. Like, I have never gone to Maine and had an experience like this. And that's it, that's a turning point. So if you're in this space right now, know that you're not losing control, right? You're just learning how to not need it. You're learning actually what you need, not what you thought you needed in order to be safe, which is the control. Um, and if you know an overfunctioner, please share this episode with her.
SPEAKER_00We all know an overfunctioner, so you better share this episode with somebody because everybody knows the woman that's holding it all together for everybody else. And if you are one, I guarantee you know one because we'd be running together. So make sure that you share it with somebody. Please make sure that you rate and review and subscribe. We really appreciate it. It costs you nothing and it means everything to us. So please, please, please do that.
SPEAKER_02We read all the reviews. So please keep writing them. And if you're a YouTube listener, I would love, like, I just it makes me so happy when we see either comments or likes or just like we want to know that this is something's hitting for you. And uh, we're just happy to have you a part of the conversation. So thank you for tuning in, and we will see you next week. See you next time. Bye.