Ep. 29: Finding The Girl You Learned To Hide

You didn’t lose yourself. You learned to hide yourself. And there’s a version of you that went underground so early, so quietly, that you’ve almost forgotten she was ever there. Today’s episode is about finding her.

This episode does something most personal development conversations are afraid to do: it names the editing process. 

The way a child learns, piece by piece, which version of herself is safe to show — and quietly buries the rest. 

The central argument is not that your parents were monsters or that your childhood was a disaster. It’s that the most ordinary, well-meaning homes still produce an edited self. Because all parents are human. All humans have limits. 

And children are exquisitely wired to read what’s welcome and what isn’t — and adapt accordingly.

Follow along, tune in, and let’s get into your next mindset shift!

It means the world to us if you would rate, like, save, share, and most importantly hit that subscribe button! And if something you heard today hit home for you, share it with your world. There is plenty of room at our table.

She looks like she has it together.
But inside, she’s tired of being the strong one.

Peace. Play. Love. is for her.

A retreat where the armor comes off,
the nervous system softens,
and self-trust becomes the loudest voice in the room.

June 2026.
This is your pause and your pivot.

Check out our Women’s Retreat we are hosting —The Peace.Play.Love Retreat 

Deets: https://offers.thatgirlmagic.co/ppl-retreat

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Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Welcome to the Low and Slow Podcast. We're your girls, Crystal and Lakin. If you press play today, trust. You made the right decision.

SPEAKER_00 0:09

And know whenever you're listening to this, it's exactly the right time. We invite you to pull up a seat to the conversation, get curious about your current perspective, and lean in for the opportunity to see yourself in another woman's story.

SPEAKER_01 0:24

We created that girl magic because we've been where you are.

SPEAKER_00 0:28

Here, the talk is real and the breath is steady. Let's get into your next mindset shift.

SPEAKER_01 0:45

Not the version that's performing. Not the version that's managing how she comes across to others. Not the version of you who's already editing herself before you even open your mouth. The one, the real one, the real one that's underneath all of that. The one who has opinions that maybe you don't say, the one that thinks that she doesn't need a voice. Um, the one that has feelings maybe that she doesn't show, because the parts of her personality uh only come out around certain people, right? And if they come out at all, that this happens in a very specific way. There's very safe, specific circumstances where you get the real her, right? I want you to think about her for a second, because she didn't arrive that way all packaged up in a bow. She was shaped to be that way. Um, and we're gonna talk about it today on the podcast.

SPEAKER_00 1:46

Yeah, there's uh there's an editing process that we're gonna get into, and that's exactly what it is. It's like it's editing down of self, right? And it doesn't usually happen through um cruelty or extremes or drama. Like it doesn't require a really difficult childhood or a drill really like dramatic backstory or or uh a super abusive parent that did like obvious damage, right? It and often it's gonna happen in completely ordinary moments of growing up, right? It's like the moment that you were too loud and you saw the look on your mom's face, or the moment that you were really emotional and there was an uncomfortable tension in the room, or the moment that you wanted something and wanting it felt like a problem that couldn't be solved, right? And you being the intelligent, adaptive, wired for self-preservation little person that you were, you took note of that and you learned and you kept it. That's what we do. And slowly over the years, you built a version of yourself that was safe to be that version, right? It was it felt safer to be that version. That version is not inherently who you are, that version is who you learned to become. So, yes, welcome to the podcast.

SPEAKER_01 3:03

Welcome to Motherfucking Podcast, right? It's your girls, Crystal and Lakin, and we're so glad you're here. We're so glad you're here for this juicy conversation. Um, let's go find her. Let's go find who that real version of you is, right? Because that version of you is not who you are. That version of you is who you learn to become. Okay. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 3:23

So I wanna dig into the editing process of like, like I said, how just ordinary, you know, quote unquote ordinary or normal homes can produce this still version of like hidden self. So I think that this gets in the way a lot of people assuming that, well, I didn't have quote unquote big T trauma, and therefore I don't have any reason to edit myself, or I don't have any excuse to show up differently than, you know, or I am being authentic. It's like you don't need to have a bad childhood for this to apply to you. You you don't need to have an a story of neglect or abuse or, you know, dysfunction in your home. The editing process that we're describing today happens in homes where people really love each other. It happens in homes that look from the outside that are, you know, mostly fine and are they feel fine from the inside too. It happens because parents are just human beings. Like it's their first time on this planet, too. And they have their own wounds and their own edited versions of themselves and their own nervous systems that are running old survival patterns and strategies. And children are extraordinarily sensitive instruments who read the environment constantly and they're constantly calibrating according to that environment. Now, here's what that editing process looks like in practice. A child comes in loud and excited about something, right? Because children do that shit and the room contracts. Like nobody says anything out loud necessarily, but nobody really has to because the child is gonna feel that contraction energetically and then file it away as oh, loud is too much. Or when a child cries and a parent gets visibly uncomfortable or dismissive or tries to just change the subject or redirect, right? Like, oh no, no, no, don't be sad. Let's focus on this other thing instead. That child is gonna file that as emotions make things worse. There's no room for them. Or if a child wants something that the parent cannot give or doesn't know how to give in that moment, and I'm not talking about, you know, materialistic things, but things like attention or validation, like the specific kind of being seen that she needed in that moment. And that child, because children are hardwired to attach and hardwired to survive, concludes that you know, that want is not safe to have. It's that's not okay for me to want that. And she puts it away and she doesn't lose it. She puts it away, it doesn't go anywhere. We think that this shit just disappears when when we stuff it down, right? But that's the distinction I want to make today. And that I really want to land is like you didn't lose her. You didn't lose the version that needed those things. You just learned to hide her because hiding her is what worked. It kept things smooth, right? It kept that attachment intact. It was intelligent, it was really adaptive, and it was the right call for the child who needed to survive her environment at that time. But it it just, you know, we didn't update it as we grew into different environments.

SPEAKER_01 6:35

And where does that show up as the adult that you are today, right? If we can go back to, gosh, we are we're trying, we're trying to live in a way that has us so mad at the very instincts that we built in order to survive, or like shameful of them or guilty around them, where it's like, God, we were just doing our best with the tools that we had. And if we could only go based off our environment, like what did that look like? We're born from mom, we're born from dad. Our nervous system at that point in time is being regulated by the the state of our parents' nervous system, not even our own. And then in those pivotal years, as we're growing up and we are learning what nervous what what the fuck we need, nervous system regulation, which most of us we're not learning that like less than our we're not learning that up until even our 20s. Like we're learning that shit too. Sometimes we're not learning it at all. No, sometimes we're not learning it at all. But I mean, like, you know, they think it's like, okay, you turn 18, you damn sure haven't learned that shit, right? And it's like you turn 21, you can drink it. These pivotal milestones of when we should have all this stuff figured out is it's bullshit, right? We we work with clients too. It doesn't matter the age, it's not about the age, it's about the capacity, right? And so in learning that who I had to be, because what was the need underneath all these feelings is the unmet need. And the capacity wasn't maybe there from our parents because it wasn't there from their parents. And so those main things that you're mentioning, the emotional attunement, the safety, right? The being able to um be go into that survival mode and our like our I will die on this hill. Our body has one main job to protect us. And so, gosh, can we not shame what our body was naturally doing to protect us? Like, it is so smart, it is so intuitive, especially as women, right? And the nervous and like from the nervous system side here, this is just an important thing to understand because it's those pieces that get filed. Kids are sponges, literally sponges. And the pieces that get filed, it's like if you've seen the movie Bruce Almighty, I tell my clients this all the time. There's that part where he's in the warehouse, he's talking to God, he opens the like file cabinet and it's like he fucking yards long, right? So, so long. Because we have just filed so much shit for so long of all these moments that we filed them as evidence. These moments get filed and they're not just a thought here, they were a decision that you made consciously in that moment that your body learned from. And when your body learns from that, aka your nervous system, when the room contracts when you're too loud, or when your nervous system registers that contraction it as a signal, right? Not as actually information. It's like a threat. It's like, oh, okay, well, when that happens, I must do this, right? It's that immediate, like, knee-jerk response. And over time, with things, we talk say this all the time, right? With repetition, that's how your brain learns. Our brain does not believe what is true. Our brain believes what we motherfucking repeat, what is on that carousel. And if being too loud or too emotional or too needy or too much, or whatever the specific thing was for you, maybe in your home, it gets neurologically tagged as unsafe. Not just uncomfortable, but legit unsafe because we're human beings, that's the human nature. And when the body and like when the body starts to suppress it automatically before you even get to make a choice about it, right? We talk about building all this awareness. A lot of the times the body taking over is we don't have the choice there. So it's like we may not even have the awareness there. And before you even get to make a choice about it, this is when you can actually know that as an adult, like, God, it it's actually okay to be emotional. And you can know rationally that like you can still feel this in your body, but then when the body takes over, it's like I'm still shutting down the emotion, I'm still stuffing it, I'm still, I'm still learning to do this because that is my default pattern, and it's not even able to get to the surface. So it's like we can have all the awareness, but if we can't understand what's actually happening within the body, it's like, well, then how can I change it? Right? How can I catch it? And that's like some of the things that we talk about. Um, sometimes this isn't a choice, which is the main point I'm making here. Um, and this is not weakness, right? This is not a lack of self-awareness. This is just what is innately happening because that original file system is doing exactly what it's built to do. It's there in the context of when there's a threat, right? Um, it's built to go back to this mode so that it no longer exists. Like immediately take it away. Think about we are constantly when we feel an emotion, like it's like stepping on dog poop, right? We need to get it off our shoe, right? We're trying to get that thing off of us as quickly as possible because maybe it doesn't feel so good. And so we have we have learned to do that.

SPEAKER_00 11:50

Yeah, it's not a weakness, it's a it's a strategy. The quietness that you've maybe come to think of as just who you are, or you know, the way that you manage your emotions before they make anyone else uncomfortable, because heaven forbid that would happen. Like the way that you edit yourself before you speak, when you second guess yourself, all that doubt that comes up, or the way that you make yourself smaller in rooms where you wanted to take up more space but didn't, like those aren't just inherent traits that you're born with. Like that's a a hiding strategy, and it's a very effective one because it's built by a very smart younger version of you. And the fact that you're still running it as an adult doesn't mean that there's something wrong with you. It's just it just means it's time for an update. Like it it it no longer applies, and you don't have to use it anymore. It's just the default pattern.

SPEAKER_01 12:44

Yeah, it's like just like our computers and our fucking iPhones need these updates. Why don't we? Right? We absolutely do. And you know, I think it's it's in the it's in like the shame or like in these hidden parts. It's in the the the things that went underground or that were like buried way down, right? Where um it's like we get to understand that a little bit better. Um, I want to talk about what actually goes down when you're hiding, right? Um, I I can talk about this because I've lived this. I've lived this. I still find myself going into these same patterns, and it's like now I'm aware of them, now I'm catching them, now I'm doing different, right? But it's also something that I know that lives within me. And I think when we say, you know, the hidden self, it can sound abstract, like it can sound like this thing that is um like almost taboo or like outside of us, right? And I want to make this really specific. So when what happens when you go underground is usually one of two things. It's the emotions that the adults around you maybe made uncomfortable. Maybe the anger, maybe the sadness, maybe, you know, your need, what being fearful, like no, don't you don't need to be scared. It's okay, you know, do it anyway, whatever, right? Um, it's the desires maybe that felt too big, right? Dreams, right? The wants, um, or maybe too inconvenient. Like, well, we can't, we can't afford that, right? Um, the wanting more, or maybe wanting differently, or the wanting that nobody around you seemed to think was reasonable. Like it's like, well, why do you think that you can have that, right? It's like, come on, get with the rest of us here, right? Uh it's the parts of it's the parts of your personality that got labeled, right? This is where we find ourselves fitting into a certain box, right? We're too sensitive, we're too dramatic, we're too much, we're too intense. Um, and sometimes it's the things that never got labeled at all, honestly, because they were simply never seen. And that in the hiding, that's the main point, right? It's like you're not actually letting every single part of yourself be seen. It's the interests that nobody asked about, the interests that had no fucking value that actually are a gift of yours, right? The in the feelings that nobody reflected back, right? That nobody showed you how like repair of those feelings or what to do with those feelings. Um, the version of you that existed in your own inner world and had nowhere to go on the outside. It's like you can see yourself as this person, but all around you, where was the outlet and space for her to be present, right? For her to be big and full as you saw yourself in your mind, right? And all of those parts are still there. Like I think anyone listening, it's like this episode is this episode's so special because we all have that inner girl, inner, inner child within us. And she's still there, right? She's asking you to create that place where she can come out, where this image of yourself in your mind has the container to be held and to be supported. And the parts of her didn't disappear when they went into hiding. They just went underground, like a like on Groundhog Day. And, you know, they keep trying to be, they kept trying to be known in whatever way was available at the time. And when you can recognize this, that it's like, God, there's parts of me that are waiting to exist. There's parts of me that are waiting to um just be received and be seen. And not that you need to be validated by anyone else, but that like you are seeing those parts of yourself. And, you know, I resonate with the whole too much, you know, becoming anxiety because it's the feeling that really had nowhere to go. Like if we break down some of these emotions, we can see like where these are stored in the body, uh, where certain parenting uh styles formed these responses from the children and like these un the unexpressed anger or um the resentment or the anxiety, like what are actually what is the feelings underneath those? Like we think about if we can think about ourselves as like an onion, it's like when we identify one emotion, I guarantee you we can go another layer deeper and another layer deeper. And you know, it's this it's this piece of these feelings or these the pattern, the people pleasing, the um in the behavior, it's like you almost can't even find the emotion anymore because that behavior took over because that behavior was safe, right? That behavior is what you needed. And so the need actually was the thing that was never met, right? And a lot of times when I I'm so I love the feelings, right? I'm like, I can own now that I'm like, yes, I'm a sensitive girly and we're here and I want to hold space for the emotions that come up. Like the number one thing women tell me when they're emoting is I'm sorry. And I tell them, like, they don't need to apologize for that shit, right? It's like I want you to allow everything to come up because that needs to be never apologize for your feelings. Right. And I mean, it's like even the negation, like, don't apologize, never apologize. It's like we're going to naturally because we don't feel safe enough to feel it, but it's like even someone validating you that everything of what you're feeling is correct. It's valid, right? And now let's peel back the layer of that onion and work through that because that need or that feeling that's coming up is actually an unmet need. And that really became the hypervigilance, the hyper functioning, the um, the scanning the room, right? The um maybe feeling like connection or authenticity wasn't safe, right? Because it's like I'm needing to, you know, always manage. I'm needing to always see what everyone else needs. I'm needing to shrink, right? That's another, another way. Um, it's always about making sure that the people around you are like giving you the response that you want. Like you're so hyper-focused on that. And like the hiding strategy here is that when these things are hidden, um, they're actually still in relationship with each other. They have just been under, they've been under the surface. So, like a lot of times when people are like, I hate surface level shit, yeah, because the deep shit that you're wanting to connect to is underneath that. But it's like a lot of people, if we can't go there, how are we connecting with others, right? And when you see what has been being left out of um out of these relationships underground, it's like once you see it, you can't unsee it. It's like, God, now I'm seeing this in multiple aspects of my life, not only my relationship, but maybe how I, you know, address things here or or like where the hypo function hyper functioning came from or where um I'm shrinking not only in this one place, but I'm also shrinking here. It's like once you see it, you can't unsee it.

SPEAKER_00 19:55

And it can be really uncomfortable. You know, I think it's equally uncomfortable and it can also be freeing in the same conversation. And it's the idea that like the parts of yourself that you hate the most, the that reactivity, like being needy, the you know, showing up in ways that might feel embarrassing or that might confuse um you or make you think that, like, oh, if I keep doing this, like people aren't gonna accept me, or I'm like that fear of rejection that comes up around those behaviors, like those are not your worst parts. Those are your most hurt parts. And it's important to have that distinction because that rage that comes up out of nowhere, or you know, that um that feeling that you have that you can't quite explain, that's a part of you that learned it could only be heard if it was really loud or if it screamed, right? Because nothing it wasn't nothing that you need was available other than that. Like the desperation for reassurance that you feel that feels really embarrassing and as a as an adult, right? Like that requirement for external validation, like that's a kid who needed to be told that she was okay and didn't get it consistently enough and was never able to believe it for herself, right? Or like shut down is another big one. Like if you are someone that in conflict tends to go flat or like has to remove themselves or has to be in that like unreachable place when things get really hard, like that's a nervous system that learned that disappearing was safer than being present. And none of that is who you are, right? It's not a part of your inherent identity, it's what you learn to do. And the difference between those two things is really important because you can't change what you've decided is your identity. This is what we do in identity work, right? But you can absolutely update a strategy that's running on old information that's no longer serving you. But you have to choose which one it is. If you decide, I am these things, I am the type of person that. These are traits that are assigned to me, then yeah, that you can't do shit about that. But that's not the case. But can I can I understand that and can I differentiate?

SPEAKER_01 22:09

Yeah. Yeah, for sure. And I think it's it's that choice in the moment. Like when you do identity work, that is um, I mean, like we've talked about, it's gonna be triggering, it's gonna push up against the thing, the identity that you built, right? And like who you need it to be. But it it is an empowering choice to make because it's like, God, actually, all of all of who I think I am, like, you know that trend of like um she is who she thinks she is, right? It's like, well, think about that. I am who I think I am. Mindset is a story we tell ourselves. Who do you think you are? And there's who you will say that you are, right? What you do, who the type of woman that you are, like no, there's no one like me, right? I do this, this, and this. But then it's like, who actually are you? Who do you actually think that you are? And I know this, like I very much resonate with this of like, do I show up as her? Exactly who I think I am, right? And it's like not who someone who I've needed to be, not who someone, not who um someone told me I was, but actually how I think of myself, how I see myself, how I want to see myself, right? Um, and that's the thing that makes the update possible, is like the mechanism of it. It's not just more insight, it's not just more analysis, it's not just figuring out this exact moment that this started and that the exact thing was said. Um, it's safety. It's actually cultivating that so that you have your nervous system has the capacity to hold who you actually are. Because, like we're saying, it's like I this is where I I have um I have innately felt this fear of like, oh my God, my body is telling me like I am not safe to actually hold who I am fully, right? I have felt this. I I I've lived this of like it almost I feel fearful of actually all of who I am because of this. And so it's like in that, when I got that message, that intuitive hit, that download that said, Oh my God, okay, well, what do we do here? I don't just sit here in the fear. I'm gonna create the safe, I'm gonna create the safety. I'm gonna start intentionally practicing this. I'm gonna start showing, you know, working with my inner child to know, like, mama, it's time, you know, like let's let's give you what you need so that you can come out and and be the thing. It's not a capability issue, it's a capacity issue, right? And like, God, if we look at it through that lens, even through the lens of our parents, it's a capacity issue. And if they didn't have the capacity, it's like, God, can I, can I not blame or operate from a victim mentality there? And I, as I'm doing this inner, um, as I'm doing this identity work within myself, it's like I am wanting all these other people to do this, but do I have the capacity to do what I'm asking of other people? Right? And do I have the capacity to start making these changes and shifts and giving myself what I need? Like there were so many times that I was asked, what do you need? I don't even fucking know. So can I get curious about what do I need? Right. And I will ask clients this. And, you know, it's they're kind of alarmed, like, I'm not exactly sure, right? And I'm like, I I give them something. Do we need support? Do we need assurance? Do we need comfort, safety, you know, all these things? And it it is nine times out of ten in the very things that we need that were the needs that were unmet, and that they're the very things that we give. Why? Because we're wanting someone to give them back to us, right? So your nervous system is getting this evidence repeatedly. It's the parts, um, it's those parts that can exist without catastrophe. It's the anger can come up and nobody will leave, right? That your anxiety can be present and that doesn't mean that you have to shrink, right? Um, it's the need that can actually be expressed and held, and actually maybe something good comes out of it to show you some new evidence. It's the like that you're it's not that you're too much. In fact, too much is not too much, right? Like it's not, it's not with the right people that you will get this evidence. Like the right people will hold that container for you. And um, you teach the hidden parts of you that they're safe to come out, not by understanding them better, but by teaching them, teaching them that they're welcome, teaching them that consistently over time this is you don't just automatically start to feel safe. You start to build this safety, right? You have to show, like, think about yourself, your inner child is this younger version of you, right? Kids, kids are can be naive, right? But they're a kid that's scared. Like, if whenever I do inner work, um, inner child work with a client, I tell them, you know, can we can we just locate where is she? Is she in proximity to you, right? Is she even in the same house as you, same room as you? Like, can we can we locate where she is to you so that we can have a reference point of where we're starting, right? And in that welcoming, it's just like when you hear in like the healing world, like coming home to yourself, right? It's like because we're learning what the fuck that little girl needed. And over time, that is with each time that we serve her, that that's a rep that's that's showing her safety. Like we don't just immediately expect someone to trust us. We have to show them so that they can trust us. Um, something earlier I wanted to circle back on. In a book I was reading, there was they were talking about the different parenting types uh of emotionally immature parents, and then what the children of those type that type of parent winded up turning out as. Why? Because, you know, at that time they weren't regulating to their nervous system, they're regulating to this unemotional parent. Um, and around the authoritarian parent, there was something that stood out to me that I was like, gosh, that hits. And it was saying how um these children from an authoritarian, authoritative, whatever the word is, authoritarian parent, um, they often carry this deep fear of making mistakes because what do they equate mistakes with? In this perfect example, mistakes must mean that they're equating their self-expression with danger rather than authenticity, right? So the same thing when we're talking about the anger, they're equating if I am angry, right, then that means someone's going to leave me, someone's going to abandon me, someone's going to just be like, you're too much. Like I can't handle this. I'm out, right? And it's like, God, when we zoom out for a second and just realize that all of this is a capacity and an unmet need of like, if it's an unmet need from other people, when I become aware of it, like I get to meet my need. I get to show that inner child that I'm her evidence that she is safe to come out and really fully be her.

SPEAKER_00 29:04

Yes. And there is also a cost to all this hiding. Like, I want to reference this from a place of clarity and not necessarily like a shame-centric place, because I think a lot of people can internalize it that way. But a lot of us have like a vague sense that we're not fully showing up as ourselves. And we normalize that um so thoroughly that we usually don't even register that it's like a loss anymore, right? It just is the norm, it is what it is. It's it's just how things are like, oh, like I'm quiet or I'm agreeable or I don't make waves, or you know, the classic one is like, I'm fine, I'm fine all the time. And there's a cost attached to that hiding. And it costs you relationships that are actually intimate because intimacy requires that you be fully known. And you cannot be fully known if the version of you is presenting as an edited version or what we'll say is like a masked version, right? Like you can be liked, you can be admired, you can have people around you who love the version that they've been given access to, but there will always be this low-grade loneliness underneath of that because there's this sense that nobody really sees you, and you know that inherently. And the part that you're not saying out loud is that you have never fully let them see you. And this comes up a lot. Like I was actually just doing a session with a client today where this came up of like she's naming that there is this disconnect, not only, you know, with her partner, but also in friendships of, you know, people don't that we hear this a lot, people don't show up for me the same way that I show up for them, right? Or it doesn't feel reciprocal, or like people aren't meeting me where I'm at, or I'm willing to do all of these things for connection, but people aren't returning that to me. And I think we've all felt that way at some point or another in some relationship dynamic, right? But what when we dug into it, it's like, but you have identified already, you're already aware that there's a people-pleasing tendency there. So you're already aware that you are calibrating and accommodating the perceived expectation that you believe they have of you. So if I recognize that I'm behaving in a way that's either trying to elicit a positive response or avoid a negative consequence, then they're never really getting the full authentic version of me. And if they're not getting that version of me, then how can I have like how can I expect them to fully accept me or fully resonate with me or be able to get to the get to the depth that I'm looking for? And you know, it also costs you your enjoyment of your own life because the things that actually light you up, like that feel like genuine desire and not just obligation or a performance, that's a lot of the stuff that gets edited too. And the hiding strategy doesn't just suppress the difficult parts. Like it, it's not all or nothing. It's just like, you know, taking SSRIs, like it doesn't just blunt the shitty feelings, it it numbs everything. So it suppresses the alive parts too, the joy, the want, the delight, like the spark that you get around the things that, you know, weren't important to you as a kid and so they're not important anymore. Yeah, the magic and the things that were uniquely, specifically yours. And I think the most important thing to name, the biggest cost to me personally, is it costs the experience of trusting yourself. Because when you've been overriding your own signals for so long, like when the body says one thing and your strategy says another one, and you always end up going with a strategy, right? Like when we when we quell that intuition, when we essentially say, you know, this is what should happen because I have this gut feeling, but this is what we're gonna do because this is what I think other people would appreciate more, or this is where I'm gonna get this validation, or this is where I'm gonna avoid this consequence that I have fear around. You start to lose access to what you actually think, feel, want, and need. And the signal gets quiet over time. Again, these reps are moving in one direction to the other. And then you wonder why you feel so disconnected from yourself, right? It's like, because you haven't been listening to her, you haven't been allowing her to be heard, you've just been stuffing it down and being like, that's not important. I I talk to clients all the time about, you know, inner child work isn't just about um accessing parts of you in conflict, right? It's can I recognize that where I'm breaking promises to myself or where I'm neglecting myself or my intuition at points in time? If your child came up to you and said, Hey, this is something that I really need, can you do this for me? And you said, Yes, of course we can. I'm just busy right now and we'll do it tomorrow. Okay, cool. They come to you tomorrow. Hey, remember that thing that I said I really needed? Can we do it now? That'd be great. Like I really need it. It's important to me. Oh, I totally understand that it's important to you, but somebody's gonna get upset if we do it right now. So we're just gonna wait. Let's wait a little bit and we'll revisit tomorrow, the next day. Hey, remember that thing that I said I needed? I really need it. Can we do that now? Oh, I I understand, I hear you. And it's just not a good time, right? Like it's it's gonna cause a downstream effect that I'm worried about. So we're just gonna table it for now. Eventually, she's gonna stop asking, right? Because just like you would as an adult grown ass woman, if you were to ask somebody for something you needed on repeat and they kept telling you, no, it's not gonna happen, or kept placating you and say, Yes, it will, but maybe later and later never comes, you are going to get discouraged and you're gonna stop asking. And that is what's happening to our our self-trust. It's being eroded away over time.

SPEAKER_01 35:00

Facts, facts. I really like the way that you put that. Kudos. I when you said that, I um when I was doing like deep work with this within myself, I my dog is actually uh like dog dogs are interesting mirrors of us. Maybe a pet. It doesn't have to be a dog, but they're interesting mirrors of us. And I found myself with exactly what you were saying. Like sometimes I would tell him, okay, buddy, we're about to go do this, right? We're about to go on a walk, we're about uh I'll take you to play on mommy's break. Like I'll take, you know, whatever, right? And it's like over time, it's like the dog's always gonna want to play. They love to play, right? But it's just like through moments of like his energy, his aura, like he's he's a Pisces, I'm a Virgo, like just being able to see that it's like, God, the the pet that has gotten um who has emotional attunement to me, right? It's like I started to see him through the eyes of my inner child and like, can I give him exactly what he needs? I take care of him, right? And when he wants to go and play or what, you know, needs something, I do it, right? Can I do that for myself as well? And if this is a reflection back through an animal, through something I'm caring for, right? Because I don't have kids. Um, even if you do have kids, right, through that lens, can we give them exactly what they need? Something that you said stood out to me, I want to circle back on was um you mentioned around like the loneliness in that where gosh, there was if anyone hearing this relates to this, like hit one of these because I remember deeply and can like saying it in the most convicted way that it's like, yeah, people think they know me, but they don't know me. And it's like, well, let's take a look at those words. People think they know me. People, they, and then there's me. It's like a projection. It's like, people think they know me, but they don't know me. Well, there's parts of me that I hadn't even seen, right? And it's like you're not allowing because you haven't seen them, you're not allowing these other people to see these parts of you. And it's like in in that moment, it's like, okay, that lonely feeling comes of like you may think that you know me, but you don't. And what happens is like this arm, like this stiff arm, like I'm over here, you're over there. And like you said, it it affects the um ability to connect. We're all like we are human beings seeking connection. That is in our nature, it's our human nature, right? And intimacy doesn't always mean like sexually, it's like the intimacy of being connected. There's connection, and then there's one more down than that, and that's the intimacy. So when you were saying that, I'm like, I could I could go back and I want to pull out that specific line because I guarantee you someone listening has also said that same thing. Um and yeah, it just it's a stood out to me. Um, there's something I think that's really important that I want to hold alongside everything you just named. Um because in that editing process, in the hiding, right? Um this wasn't a flaw, this wasn't a failure. Um it was actually like, and some people may disagree with me on this, but it's like it was actually like love, maybe the self-love that we knew at that time. It was it was the way that um a child tried to stay connected to the people that she needed, even if those people did not have capacity to give her what she needed, right? And so um God, that's a bar within itself, and I'm sure anyone listening, like, I'ma just take a breath on that one. Because it's like fuck, you know, that that is that's real, that's real. Like they want to keep the people she she, your younger self, wanted to keep the people who she was finding love in, and whatever that love looked like, whether that was how she wanted to define love or not, um, to stay connected to her. Because what did it mean if they weren't, right? Children don't hide the parts of them that nobody cares about. They hide the parts of them that might cost them the relationship. Like they hide the parts of them that might be the threat, right? And if they're they're feeling like, you know, they're um they're not safe in that way to express those things, right? It's like this is where like being fearful of their own. Like uh, I worked with a client this week, it came up so often in her story, and I have loved, love, loved working with her. Shout out to Sarah. Um, she said this line, you can never live up to your potential. And it's like we were questioning, like, what exactly we're like, you know, sticking with that line of like, God, they're they're if she does, if she like she was what happens if she actually does live up to her potential, right? Of like what pieces fall away, or like what pieces are no longer available to her, or you know, this was something that her mom had said to her, but that she repeated over and over and over to herself. It was almost like she became fearful of what her own potential was. I mean, she was an incredible gymnast and like all this. And it's just interesting in that token of like that instinct, that human animalistic instinct to protect the attachment at whatever cost, even if it's at the cost of yourself, that's a profoundly like human thing, right? It deserves compassion, not contempt. And there's a grief that comes with that. There's a grief that comes with the hiding. We're grieving a previous version of ourselves that felt that the only way that she felt safe was to hide, right? And in that grief, it's like, oh my god, there's like they're mourning the real version of you that didn't get to exist fully, and you're you're mourning the version of really who you thought you were. But it's like it's in that space too. Like that grief is appropriate. And then can we meet ourselves in what gets to be the opportunity that it's like, can I grieve that version? Can I hold space for it? Can I feel all my feelings? And then know once we have done that, it's like it is a beautiful opportunity to actually find then who do you get to be? Right? And who do you even want to be? And like there's pieces of yourself that you're grieving that you may not even want to fucking be anymore, right? And I want to also name that like in the grieving process, we say this often of like words like weakness, brokenness, you know, um staying small, like all these things, like that is not a weakness. So often, women who have been taught that feeling that what it meant to be strong, like every woman I have talked to is like they identify strength with putting down their feelings, keeping going, putting a smile on their face, even if they are not happy, right? And because that's what that's gonna allow them to survive, right? And that is not strength. Strength is in vulnerability, being able to stick with yourself when you're feeling the emotion and knowing that God, this is fucking painful, and I still have the ability to stay here. Think about when you have a baby, right? That shit's painful as hell. That is true. Strength, right? Sticking with yourself when you are feeling at your most vulnerable and not abandoning yourself, right? It's like we have this idea of like that this is weak if I do this, but it's actually the beginning of your strength, the beginning of finding her, that version of you that you've always wanted to be, because you can't grieve something that you can't acknowledge that you once lost.

SPEAKER_00 42:58

Yeah, this is a a long game approach. You're not going to unwind years of editing yourself in a single podcast episode or a single breakthrough conversation or even a single mindset session. But you can start to notice, like you can start to get curious about the moments that you do edit yourself and the moments where you feel that pull or that inclination to make yourself smaller, the moments where something genuine was was right on the surface and you you tended to redirect it or stifle it or bury it again, like that noticing, not necessarily fixing or forcing at first, right? But just noticing, that's the first move. And in this game, right, the long game, noticing is how you're gonna find her again. Because again, we have to create a safe environment for her to be able to be okay being fully present.

SPEAKER_01 43:52

Yeah.

unknown 43:53

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 43:53

And it's like we talk about that like it's not just it's not just the conversation that's gonna shift that, right? Even if you Even I have said, right? It's like, oh, I've I'm doing this work. When there was a time where I was deeply in this work, right? And I am still in this work. And I think that's in something that is so important to just own. And I I I even can check myself of like, you know, we have this platform. And can I own my process in that? That I that, yes, I've done like a deep dive in this that got me the awareness, that got me the noticing, right? But it is an intentional effort that comes with still doing this. This is not something that you do and then it's done, right? It is, it is a practice. It is a practice to um be in this game, find her. And then once you find her, it's a that's also a relationship. That's also something that you are wanting to continue to foster and mold. And that is like an evolving thing, right? It's like if you want to continue bettering yourself, well, can we can you continue bettering the previous version of you as well? It's like we want to keep moving forward, but we don't want to look, look sometimes backwards at what at what we need here, right? When we find her, what happens when we find her, right? And you're welcoming her back, you're welcoming those hidden parts of you back. Um, because I think there's a version of this conversation that makes it sound like this is this dramatic unveiling. Like, this is my inner child. Like, hello, she's here, right? Um, like you're gonna have this big moment, this big realization where the real you steps forward and everyone's fine with it. And it feels like this liberating moment. Now, I want to give context of like, yes, it can feel liberating, but it is not this performance. It's gonna be in those hidden moments, right? Those moments when you did something different in those moments that are probably still very uncomfortable when you didn't step in like we talked about last time and overfunction or perform or people please, right? And that you stayed with your inner child there and gave her what she needed. And it was like, oh my God, it's in those, it's in the quiet moments and they're incremental, they are stackable, they are it's reps, right? And that is where that trust starts to build because she sees that you are not going to abandon her, and that at the end of the day, the only one in her motherfucking corner is you, right? And it's like when you start deciding to keep playing in her corner, right? It's that's that that is where that's built, right? It doesn't start with the expression of her. It doesn't only start with the expression of her, it starts with permission that like the pieces that are a part of her, like once you found her that can come back, have the ability to be there, right? At first, it's the the first thing is the hidden parts. The need of that is that they don't actually need an audience, they just need your presence, your awareness. And they need to know you, they need to know this adult version of you. This is where I've told clients before, it's like, God, you really be you have become the adult that you needed then. And when she starts to recognize that within you, that's capacity. The like I have capacity to be the very thing that I needed, and now I can give it to her. And when we have this capacity and we build this capacity, we start to become a witness of ourself. And it's not going to do what was done to them before. It's actually going to like you're not going to dismiss them, you're not going to write them off, you're not going to contract in a because of what they need. You're not going to make them go back into hiding because maybe they're inconvenient of when that time's coming up. It's like you're allowing them to know that they matter, right? And it's this internal thing before it's this external show, glow, or uh, you know, oh, she's, you know, exactly who she thinks she is, right? It's in these moments when you're welcoming her back that that's the shit that's happening. And it's learning to let the feeling come up with it without immediately needing to manage it away, right? It's learning to say internally to the part of you, maybe that is angry, maybe that is sad, maybe that is anxious, or wanting too much in that moment. Like, I see you, and you're allowed to be here. You're allowed to take up space. I'm listening, I'm not going anywhere. And, you know, it's you and I in this. Like, this is real, we're in this for life, kind of thing. Right. And I know that sounds simple, I know that sounds easy, like we can look in the mirror and do these things, but it's like your nervous system needs to hear that shit. Your inner child needs to hear that shit because it's going to, because we've never done that before, it may feel like a threat or it may feel like it's setting off your bullshit meter, or it may feel like, what am I doing this woo-woo shit for, right? But it's like, no, this is actually allowing those parts of you to exist. And because they're genuinely unfamiliar, and that has previously been decoded as unsafe rather than when being healthy, right? It's in that discomfort that that's not a signal that you're doing it wrong. There is no right or wrong way to do this. It's a signal that you're doing something new, that you're doing something different. And in doing something different, that is when you're showing her evidence. That is when you're showing her, like, oh, this actually feels different than what I know.

SPEAKER_00 49:39

That's where that trust is built over time because the trust is what we're actually building towards. It's not, it's not just, you know, the self-confidence. That's great. That's beautiful. And yes, we want that ultimately, right? But we're talking about like literal neurological reliability of self. Like I know I got me no matter what, right? It's like every time you notice the editing impulse, that old pattern coming up, and you let something true exist instead, even if it's just inside of yourself, you know, without letting it out, or even if if it's before you say it out loud to anyone, you're still building that evidence. And that's important to notice. You know, it's like, can you acknowledge it? Evidence that you are safe with yourself, that she can come out and that you won't, you know, send her back or bury her, that the things that got hidden aren't actually as dangerous as the old filing system said they were that we referenced earlier, right? Like the inner child, and I know that a lot of people will have an eye roll when it comes to that phrasing, and that's okay. So like stay with me, but she doesn't trust words. She's heard all the words, right? Like the words are what that's the false promises. She trusts evidence and she trusts what happens on repeat. So that's why we have to give her just as many reps, if not more, of what's been previously shown to her. We have to show her the alternative in reps, in droves, to make sure that it is known that it is safe and that it's okay. So the practice is not a conversation to have with yourself one time. It's a series of small moments built over time where you show up differently than the old pattern said that you had to, right? You you let the feeling be there. You keep the promise that you made to yourself. You say the true thing in a safe space. You choose the thing that the hidden version of you would have wanted instead of the thing that the strategy would choose. And it's just that one small act. And then we can build on it because we've shown ourselves like, oh, it's safe to do that thing. So now I can do it again, right? Then it's another. And that's how you find her. It's not all at once. Like we keep saying, it's, you know, it's one rep at a time.

SPEAKER_01 51:53

Yeah. And you know, to the to your point, finding her is not just only through like what you said of like, okay, she doesn't trust words, like she trusts basically evidence, right? And evidence can also come in. It's not, she doesn't trust words, she can't trust feelings, right? But it's like in the evidence that can come with the action, right? That's the counterpart of the words. In the evidence that is the counterpart of feelings, what is what is that? It's actually giving her a new feeling to feel that she can have re that she can even trust or have reference of, right? I think so often it's like we think, um, because we have been heard, we've heard all the words, all the things, but it's like words and feelings, thoughts and feelings, all these things are uh constantly being given to us. And if they have no um evidence to support them, right? It's like, well, well, what's the point? Right. We got the the evidence that comes with the feeling is also being able for her to feel that same feeling and have a totally different experience. Right. So I think it's like important here to also not just talk about like the words that she's not trusting. Maybe she's not trusting of the feelings because she associates that specific feeling with this time, this experience, right? Which is why we have to give her a new experience. Um, if you're listening to this episode today and something within you landed, like if there's a part of you that recognized in herself something we described, right? If I want to just, I want to just celebrate you, celebrate you for being able to receive that in this moment, right? This is this is a podcast. I want to celebrate you for being able to receive that in a coaching session. I want to celebrate you for being able to receive that maybe in a in a practice just with yourself, right? We have downloads and things all the time, insights maybe that we never speak about. And I just want to say that this recognition is not there on accident. Like your inner child has been there. She's been there the whole time. She's been waiting for someone to look for her. She's been waiting for someone to say that she matters. She's been waiting for someone to say that she's worth coming out, right? She's worth being visible. She's worth being seen. And in recognizing her, you took a look, right? You took a look, and that matters, that effort, that intentionality is something that needs to be celebrated. You don't have to do anything dramatic with this today. What I suggest is taking yourself on a walk, thinking about your thinking walk. If you're thinking while you're walking, I mean, excuse me, if you're listening while you're walking, right? I just want you to give yourself maybe just a 10, 15 minutes, honestly, longer than that. I would like you to give yourself longer to sit with this. But if take what you have to be able to reflect on what came up. Um, and you don't have to start showing all the hidden parts to everyone in your life, right? It's not like every everyone is gonna have that access and availability for you. You just have to start being a little less quick to send her back into the closet, send her back into the corner, back into your childhood home, and you live in a whole different state, right? Like, we gotta find the starting point of where I can start to welcome her back in. And like, if you're doing this work, like we're proud of you. We're proud of you for that.

SPEAKER_00 55:22

Yeah. So as I say in my sessions, here's your integration homework for this week, right?

SPEAKER_01 55:27

Here's here's some optional always the homework, always the homework.

SPEAKER_00 55:33

Pick a moment where you notice yourself about to edit, right? It's maybe it's like feeling um like you're like an emotion that's coming up that you want to push down, or maybe it's an opinion that you're about to soften before it comes out to the surface because you're worried about the reaction, or maybe it's a want that you are really ready to dismiss before anyone even has the chance to provide the need that you that you want to voice, right? And I want you to take notice of that. And in that moment, instead of the edit, just pause. Let it be there for a second. You don't have to say it out loud, you don't have to act on it, you don't even have to write it down. And that's not something that we say very often, right? But like just let it exist without immediately overriding it. Like that pause is the first part, that's the first rep. That's that's the again, that awareness, the curiosity. Like I'm leaning in, I'm looking for her so I can find her.

SPEAKER_01 56:33

Yeah. Yeah. And if this episode has moved something in you, which, you know, we like to base a lot of our episodes to, hopefully do that, right? Like the this work is meant to move stuck emotion. This work, it, these conversations are meant to strike something within you to sit with. I encourage you to share it. I encourage you to share it with someone who needs to hear it. I encourage you to share it, share it with yourself. Girl, you can text yourself nowadays, right? Send that to yourself and be like, hey girl, I need you to listen to this, right? Like, please share, subscribe, rate, review. We read every single comment. We want to know how this has been helpful. Uh, if there is something that you did hear that's that struck something within you. Um, and we just are really grateful for you guys being here. I will also throw this out there that if something moved within within you in this episode, this is a big piece of the container that we're building or that we've built for Costa Rica, right? In June. It's happening very soon. Like we have two spots remaining, and every single one of those spots is intentionally filled by a woman who is deciding to do this work within herself and to be curious and to show up exactly how she is, to be fully supported. And, you know, we didn't call it the peace, play, love retreat for no reason. That piece of you that is wanting to be seen, that piece of you that's wanting to come home to herself, that piece of you that is wanting to have a different narrative than the one you've been giving yourself. Like she deserves to be acknowledged and heard and held. And we're waiting for you. We're waiting for you to to meet us there. So, do you have anything else, Lake?

SPEAKER_00 58:20

Yeah, if it if that calls to you, please reach out. We we're happy to give you any additional information, and we'll see you guys next time.

SPEAKER_01 58:28

See you in the next episode.

SPEAKER_00 58:30

Bye.