Ep. 30: Their Emotional Immaturity Became Your Blueprint

Your parents didn’t just raise you. They handed you a blueprint. For what love looks like. What safety feels like. What you have to be to belong. And most of us have been building from that blueprint for decades without ever looking at the architecture. Today we look.

Specifically at the editing process — how a child learns which version of herself is safe — this episode names the specific parenting styles that drove that editing. 

Here’s an opportunity to look at the map: here is the parent, here is the pattern it produced in you, here is why. The nine archetypes are introduced briefly and without judgment, then the conversation lands on the adult impact — the behaviors, the nervous system patterns, the relationship dynamics that grew directly from a parent’s emotional limits. 

The reparenting framework provides the neuroscience underneath: these patterns are not personality, they are adaptive code. And adaptive code can be updated. 

You are not your parents’ emotional ceiling. 

You are the person who can see the ceiling — and choose to build higher.

We hope today after listening you feel like the patterns you’ve been ashamed of finally have an origin story — and like that origin story is not your life sentence.

Follow along, tune in, and let’s get into your next mindset shift!

It means the world to us if you would rate, like, save, share, and most importantly hit that subscribe button! And if something you heard today hit home for you, share it with your world. There is plenty of room at our table.

She looks like she has it together.
But inside, she’s tired of being the strong one.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome to the Low and Slow Podcast. We're your girls, Crystal and Lakin. If you press play today, trust. You made the right decision.

SPEAKER_03 0:09

And know whenever you're listening to this, it's exactly the right time.

SPEAKER_00 0:14

We invite you to pull up a seat to the conversation, get curious about your current perspective, and lean in for the opportunity to see yourself in another woman's story. We created that girl magic because we've been where you are.

SPEAKER_03 0:28

Here, the talk is real and the breath is steady. Let's get into your next mindset shift.

SPEAKER_00 0:37

I want to start off with something that might feel a little bit uncomfortable because you know that's what we do here. Uh, let's take out the mic, it's gonna feel uncomfortable. Um, we're gonna talk about your parents today. Mom, parents. Parents, yeah, your parents. And this is not to blame them. This is not to pick and pull apart everything they did wrong. This is also, um, I want to make this very clear. This is not to give you permission to just write them off or out of your lives. Um, but because this is something I know to be true. You cannot fully understand the patterns that you were trying to change yourself without understanding where they came from. And for most Yeah, facts, right? Like for most of us, the most significant place they came from is from the very environment we grew up in. And it's like, gosh, I mean, if you could feel the tone already, that that's this episode. There are specific ways your parents were available, like the ways they were available, and then there's specific ways that they weren't. And because children don't just absorb love, right? It's like we want to absorb the good shit. We want to be like sponges and absorb the good shit, but there's also other things that we're absorbing too. They're we're absorbing our emotion, our parents' emotional limits and their coping strategies, their uh unhealed wounds, their unspoken rules or feelings about what's acceptable and uh maybe about what's acceptable, what's not acceptable, what feelings need to never be felt, or like what what feelings need to ultimately disappear and go away. And in being these sponges that we are, we start to that everything we absorb becomes the blueprint. And most of us have been living from that blueprint for decades and not ever looking at the architecture, like why it was even built that way in the first place.

SPEAKER_03 2:36

Yeah, and before we go anywhere, I think it's important to understand that emotional immaturity in a parent is not the same as bad parenting. It's not the same as not loving you. Like most emotionally immature parents loved their children very much, and they just had a ceiling, like an emotional limit beyond uh which they could not go, right? Because nobody ever helped them go there. They didn't have the tools, they didn't understand what that looked like. And that ceiling became the floor of what felt normal for you. That's what you contextualized as what love felt like, what connection felt like. That's what it felt like for you to be able to have order for everything to be okay. And today we're gonna name those ceilings and we're gonna trace them forward and identify how that formed the adult that you became. So welcome to the Low and Slow podcast. We're your girls, Crystal and Lakin. Thank you for joining us today. Um, and this, you know, we we have been talking a lot about as we we got into that mother wound episode, and there was a lot of really great feedback from that, and it was really, really useful to listeners. Um, and so we're we're still pulling at that thread and kind of tying that in with the inner child work that we've referenced as well. And so this is a nice bridge between the two.

SPEAKER_00 4:00

Yeah, so let's get into it. We're excited if you can take away anything from that intro, is like again, we don't just absorb love, we we absorb everything.

SPEAKER_03 4:11

Yeah. Yeah. So let's define what we mean when we say emotionally immature, because I think that phrase can land very accusatory, right? And that's not what it's intended to be. An emotionally immature parent is not someone that's really cruel. Like we said, you know, it's not someone that is an abusive parent. It is a parent who, for whatever reason, their own upbringing, their own, their own unprocessed trauma and experiences, whatever era they grew up in, right? The tools that they never had access to, uh, the things that they were not able to fully emotionally process, right? And all of that goes into them not being able to be emotionally present for their child. And they essentially they weren't able to attune. They couldn't consistently see the child as a separate person from their own inner world, or you know, they couldn't regulate their own emotions in a way that made the child feel safe. More than likely, they couldn't regulate their emotions in a way that made themselves feel safe, right? And they couldn't model what it looks like to feel something process it and then come back to connection. I reference this a lot. It's like very often, if we had parents that argued or we were exposed to argument, we were exposed to the conflict side of it, but we were very rarely ever exposed to the repair, right? It's like because that was the intentional piece. So it's like if we're gonna be intentional, that's gonna be private, that's gonna be behind closed doors, but the conflict occurs when the trigger exposes it. And so that's what gets like accidentally witnessed by children, whether it's you know, in the same room or through a wall or whatever it is. And then the repair is like also there's a lot of weird shame attached to that of like being seen apologizing. And so that's the part that children are not witnesses to, but that's the part that brings you back to the connection. That's the important shit. And so here's why that matters more than what most people realize. Like, children are not just passive recipients of parenting, like they they are active interpreters. And a child in a home with an emotionally immature parent is not just missing some things, like they're learning things, right? She's learning things, she's learning what emotions are safe to have. We referenced this in our last episode like what needs are acceptable to express, what version of herself is welcome, and what version has to stay hidden. That was you know what we talked about a lot in our last episode about hiding her. And she's building an entire operating system based on what she observes, what's get what gets rewarded, what gets punished, and what gets ignored. And that system, which is built before she had the language or or cognitive capacity to even question it, is still what's running in the background today, right now, inside of each and every one of us. And in the way that you relate to conflict or to love or to your own needs or to your own voice, that's the background operating system that's running. That's the filter.

SPEAKER_00 7:18

Yeah. Yeah, I think that's something super important to mention is like, God, we can we can see what like the chaos looked like, right? And we've talked about this before. The hardest thing for an adult or someone to do is like, hey, that hurt my feelings, or be able to say, like, I'm sorry, or like we haven't seen repair. It's like, what is repair? The only time like, what even is repair? You take your car to the mechanic, it gets repaired, right? It's like, what is happening when like there's conflict and then you don't see that? It's like it's the ignoring, it's the sitting with these feelings by yourself, right? It's the just honestly, there if there's no repair, what happens? The feelings are probably overwhelming, and that is the very place we start to create a story about what that means about us, right? Because it's like we don't know from the other person. So kind of. And we avoid it because it doesn't feel good. Right, right, exactly. So I want to add the piece here that is usually like the hardest part and honestly the most important. And it's that the parents honestly didn't know. And when I say that, it's like I've I've had so many conversations with clients or with friends where, you know, they've done this work in themselves and then they've had these really hard conversations with their parent, right? And like it's even taken them a lot to do that. And the response that they get from them is almost like the parents are oblivious. Like, I'm sorry, I had no idea. I can think of a conversation I had with a woman where her when her dad was feeling all these emotions, um, what they would do. He they would they had to walk on eggshells because it's like then they're if their dad was mad at them, they would ignore them for days, right? And it's like she finally then, as a grown-ass woman, has this conversation with her dad because she sees that this is like the patterns here, right? And it's like he had no idea. And the oblivious the oblivion, that's the word, like in right from that parent, um, is not them. There's a difference of them being like totally unaware, and then there's a difference of them like not wanting to take ownership. And this is not an excuse. Um, it's not excusing the behavior, but the impact here does not require intent. Like they genuinely don't know. So you can pass a wound onto a child without meaning to, right? That is we talk about projections all the time. Um, this is unknowingly doing that, that's subconsciously happening. You can pass down your own unhealed patterns without ever having to uh choose to, right? Like this is just something that happens. But what matters here for the healing is that when we can understand that our parents were also shaped by their own emotional environments, that they were once children too, right? They're just ahead of us. Um, and they were once ones who learned what was safe, what was, what wasn't in their own way, who also had parts of themselves that they edited out, that they buried, that they hid, that they told themselves that if they ever felt this, it was danger or it was not safe, right? And when we look at it that way, you know, uh what's the word of like decentering the parent and also seeing that like they're a human too, um, it becomes possible for us to look at what they gave us without drowning in this rage or grief because that was my mom, that was my dad. Like, how dare them? You know what I mean? And all of that is valid, right? We gotta feel the feelings in order to get underneath it, right? But it's like the goal here isn't to skip them. The goal here is to eventually get to the place where we understand that this blueprint that was laid out or uh created doesn't require you to stay inside of it when you can see that they also had that their own blueprint that they had.

SPEAKER_03 11:11

Yeah, I don't think I'm not gonna say I don't think anyone thinks, because I'm sure people do think this. I don't personally believe that are there are, you know, most parents are out there being like, oh, you know what I'm gonna do? You know, because like because I had it like this, I'm gonna make sure that they have it like this too. Like I'm gonna pass on this generational shitty pattern that I've inherited because if my parents did it to me, then I'm gonna do it to my like no one, most people are not doing that, right? I'm not saying there's not genuinely shitty people that potentially are doing that, but for the most part, this is not what's happening. It's this is all subconscious. And again, that's not excusing the behavior. Both truths can exist that like my parent is unknowingly doing something harmful, and they're they don't, they aren't aware that they're doing it, and it's still I deserved more.

SPEAKER_00 12:03

Right, right. They're literally, and that that's that's the piece there. Like nobody's intentionally saying I'm going to do what was done to me. It's subconscious, but it's like they're literally replaying the same pattern. And so when you think about that in the lineage, it's like, what do we hear? We hear, I don't want to be like my parents, right? And we focus on the don't, it takes us in the opposite direction, right? I don't want to have, I want my kids to have better, I don't want them to have the same struggles I did. But then what winds up happening?

SPEAKER_03 12:33

I'm so focused on, you know, you're so focused on that shitty behavior that you're gonna mimic it, right? As opposed to highlighting what is it that you do want, not what is it that you're that you don't want. Like what behavior do you want to embody moving forward?

SPEAKER_00 12:50

Exactly. And you know, it's interesting. I was having this conversation with a friend the other day where it's like, God, when we look at it through that lens, it's like this is all subconscious, but if we were to pick apart the subconscious mind and how it operates, it's actually very smart. It's also operating off of going back to the only reference point it has when they felt that way. Right. So then it's like, oh, again, the story of like I'm going back to usually the negative reference point that's outdated, that has all this negative evidence. And it's like, fuck, well, this makes sense why this cyclical pattern keeps happening.

SPEAKER_03 13:27

Yeah. So we're gonna get into the specific archetypes around parenting patterns that create the impact in us as adults. And uh, I want to name that like a lot of this information as far as the the archetypes is this is inspired by a book called Reparenting the Inner Child by Dr. Nicole Lapera. Um, that it's a great book, highly recommend. So if you have not read it and this stuff speaks to you today, order it. Less than $20.

SPEAKER_00 14:01

Pick that Starbucks and order the book.

SPEAKER_03 14:04

Yeah. So we're gonna walk through nine recognizable parent patterns, and most of us are gonna see more than one, right? Like more than one of these is going to feel very familiar or resonate. Like parents are not one archetype at a time. You might have a parent who was mostly disconnected but became reactive under stress, or mostly achievement focus based, but you know, peer like in certain moments when that was relative or came out. Like what we're looking for is the dominant pattern, the one that shaped the emotional climate of your home. And as we go through these, we're just asking you to notice like, don't judge, don't defend, don't explain why. Cause we always want to know the why. Just notice what lands. And the first pattern is the reactive parent. That's the one that we're gonna go into first. This is the one whose mood set the temperature for the entire house. So this is the eggshell dropper, right? Everything was calibrated around them.

SPEAKER_01 15:06

Wait, wait, I'm gonna pause you right there for a second because gosh, this is the what the authority. Um, how do you say it? The authoritate I can't never say this fucking word. Authority.

SPEAKER_00 15:17

Yeah, authoritative or like these types of like um titles. We gotta come up with like funnier names for them. Like, okay, the reactive parent is the eggshell, the eggshell dropper.

SPEAKER_03 15:28

Yeah, because if I just imagine somebody just like spraying eggshells all around and being like, good luck.

SPEAKER_01 15:33

Yeah, like um puts all the lines with all the red things, and you have to like, you know what I'm talking about, like the laser side. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 15:41

Yeah. Yeah. So it's like, you know, this is this is the climate of your environment is dictated by this person's mood. So it's like good days, bad days. You know, you know that specific look on your mom's face when it's gonna be a bad day, right? Like as soon as they walked in the door, and it it's like a tension.

SPEAKER_01 15:58

We're gonna have to take that chicken out to thaw because it's about to be your ass, okay?

SPEAKER_03 16:04

Yeah. Oh man, it's so funny, like how relatable that is. And then like the ones that I love now is like as an adult, I really understand now why my mom needed me to take that chicken out to thaw. Like, this shit sucks.

SPEAKER_01 16:20

I remember forgetting and being like, fuck, what do I do?

SPEAKER_02 16:23

Like putting in a few minutes.

SPEAKER_03 16:24

You can't do anything, it's still frozen. You can't do anything, microwave it. That's what we used to do. Yeah. But they you knew as soon as they walked in the door, like everyone in the home became an expert at reading facial expressions because the mood of this person was gonna dictate what was gonna happen. Their emotions came first, and everyone else's came second, or just didn't there wasn't space for them at all.

SPEAKER_00 16:47

Yeah. And you know, this is with that adult, right? The adult that grew up in a home like that, um, what happens? They become that world class. I mean, world class, they they are a master at reading other people's emotional states.

SPEAKER_03 17:05

Yeah, like us as adults now, if we grew up in that environment.

SPEAKER_00 17:09

Yeah. So the the adult that grew up with the reactive parent became the one that's the master at reading other people's emotion. And why? Let's just talk about that for a second. Well, because in that moment, with that unpredictability from that parent, I need to learn how I need to be so that I can be safe, right? Again, your nervous system doing one main job to protect you. So, you know, this this woman, she's tuned into the subtle shifts in the tone, in the energy, in the room. If someone's ever saying, like, I'm really an energetic, like uh an uh energetically sensitive person, nine times out of ten, probably, you know, this may maybe she had a parent like this, right? Um, she can feel tension before it even has a name. She's hyper-vigilant in a way that looks like her intuition, but it's actually a deep survival skill. Because again, she was trying to keep herself safe, right? It is the one that um that she built because in keeping her, she was keeping herself safe in someone who was unpredictable. And that's like that's like the big piece of this. Like in this episode, we want you guys to, as if you hear something and something like gives you that gut punch, right? It's like I just need you to take a breath. Like uh your body we are animalistic beings that are operating uh at a capacity of certain, I mean, think about a baby, like you're just trying, you have needs, right? And you're trying to survive. Um, and that what you build in survival, right, can can we not shame what we like that we just did the best that we had with the tools that we had. And like, God, it is actually quite quite impressive that this survival instinct is within us that we can do this in order to make sure we're okay. So the cost here for this woman who has a reactive parent is that she spends an enormous amount of energy, an enormous amount of energy managing other people's emotions because that's what kept the peace, right? That's like her I that's her perception of like if I manage everyone else's emotions, I will feel peace, which in turn that's like that's not her true peace, right? But that's what she, that's what she thinks it is. Um, and she often doesn't know how to be in maybe a calm relationship uh without like waiting for that other shoe to drop because it's like it's ex it's expecting that that will happen. It's kind of like the whole thing of like, well, you've like the bad boys, right? But then what happens when you actually get the nice guy, right? And it's like you're you're waiting for something to go wrong.

SPEAKER_03 19:47

Yeah, you need that chaos. Chaos. All right. The second pattern is the disconnected parent. This is the the lights are on, but nobody's home parent. All right. So this is you're physically present, but emotionally somewhere else entirely, right? Like they provided for you, they showed up to things, but there was there's always like a disconnection, like this glass wall, right? Like you could see them, but you couldn't really like reach them. You couldn't achieve that level of connection that you needed. There was not a lot of warmth with this person and real attunement, like the sense that they were actually tracking you, actually interested in your inner world or like what was going on with you, especially emotionally, was not available. That was not a thing with this parent.

SPEAKER_00 20:31

Yeah. And the adult that um comes from having the disconnected parent, right? The adult that gets produced from that, um, from that kind of home, it's awfully is often independent, like fiercely independent on the outside while having this like quiet, starving um nature for connection on the inside, right? They're wanting that deeply so bad. Um, but you know, they got themselves kind of thing, right? Um, this woman learned early that needing people doesn't get you anywhere, that needing people like isn't safe, that um if it doesn't get me anywhere, like I can actually stop showing it. Like I can actually stop needing other people to be there for me. Um, maybe in relationship, she can be in a relationship and still feel really alone. Like this is where um, you know, you can be in a relationship and you're like hyper-independent. You still want to be with someone, but like you in your own home. You have your own things. He lives over here, right? Like y'all are separate. Um, and not because like the person isn't there. Not because the person isn't there, but because truly being seen in a deep way where they see all of you, that they actually see that you want that connection and intimacy, that doesn't feel safe. So the distance. Is what feels familiar. It's like that feeling of like, I want you right here, but once you're right here, just know you over there, right? And it's like that closeness is the thing that makes her ultimately want to leave because that's that's what she knows, that's what her nervous system knows. And it's like, as we're talking about these, it's like with each of these adults that come from these parents, it's like, again, this is why inner child work is so fascinating to me because it's like once you can just realize that this is not a capability issue, it's a capacity issue, and that when you can identify the unmet needs that essentially your parents probably have and now that you have, it's like, God, this is really the roadmap of what now I get to do with my inner child. And it's almost like when you hear the adult that this is and you can see that within yourself, it's like it lets you have a level of compassion that was not there until you understood this.

SPEAKER_03 22:54

Mm-hmm. So the next one is the status-oriented parent or the highlight real parent. All right. So this parent made love conditional on performance. We're talking the grades, the awards, the resume, the version of you that made them them look good in public, right? That version was celebrated. The version that was tired or struggling or uncertain or mediocre, right, was not particularly welcome. And achievement was not something that was just encouraged. It it was the price of admission.

SPEAKER_00 23:33

Yeah. Gosh, that one. Um the status-oriented parent, right? The one that is praising the ground you walk on to everyone else, but it's like, well, wait a second, I've never felt this acknowledgement from you. I was talking about this with a client today, and I was like, you know, this is she was talking about her mom, and she was like, um, yeah, she would do this, and then I would, you know, I'd be so confused. And I, that was the main emotion we were sticking with was confusion. And I had asked her, I was like, I'm curious, does your face look like this when she would do this? You know what I mean? She hit one of those, she's like, Oh, I make that face often, right? Because that child becomes the adult who cannot rest, who cannot um find themselves being able to take their foot off the gas because it's like I'm I'm my whole identity is attached to all the things that I achieve. My ego is attached to the accolades, the titles, the you know, positions, right? Um, she was in the military, very like, you know, she the armor, right? Um, she's the one who finishes the thing and then immediately reaches for the next thing, right? That had the overachiever, right? The one that with the status-oriented parent, the adult that comes from that, is really like addicted to having those um that productivity. Why? Because it actually has been praised in a way, right? And we've we've talked about uh that a lot on the podcast. Um, and it's like the moment she stops producing, the old question surfaces Am I enough?

unknown 25:13

Right?

SPEAKER_00 25:13

Like basically like, who am I enough? And what does that eventually lead to? Who am I when I don't do X, Y, Z? Right? So the hustle is not ambition here, it's actually unfinished. It's this unfinished audition that she's been going through for a long for some shit, right? And she's still trying to earn something that actually should have been given to her freely. Like that shit's a bar. That one hits me like fucking in the gut. Like it is that is like tie going out after you eat. Like it is very like, ooh, because that I mean, I will say it again. This is not this the hustle is not ambition, it's an unfinished audition. And it's like, God, I didn't even know I was auditioning for anything, right? And it's like, fuck, like this. Oh, you sure do. You're auditioning for first chair. Lead child. No, no, I know, but I'm saying in the moment, like, you know, until you realize that it's like, oh, I was just going, going, going. Like, because that's what I mean.

SPEAKER_03 26:15

It's more present when there's siblings, right? Like when there's like context for comparison. Like, if you're an only child and you have you have a status-oriented parent, it's like you feel that sense of like always needing to go, go, go, and like always needing to please and meet these these standards. But if you have siblings and you're a status-oriented parent, you have a status-oriented parent, like you're constantly vying for that number one spot.

SPEAKER_00 26:42

Yeah, but also too, like on the counter of that, you can have an only child. And if you have a parent like this, it's like you don't have to compare yourself to anyone because it's like you're literally, it's like this whole thing of like, I'm living out her, like maybe his or her, like my parents, um like dreams or like um desires, right? And it's like you're constantly like you you don't have a ceiling, you just keep going, going, going. It's like, but you're it's not actually you're living out someone else's story, not that, not yours. You know what I mean? So like it's never gonna be enough. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 27:18

What's the next one? Next one is the critical parent, aka the critic, right? And this is related to the achievement-oriented one, but it it is distinct because where the status-oriented parent withheld praise, the critical parent is going to actively find fault. So they're not keeping shit to themselves under the guise of high standards or tough love is a common one. Like at the end of the day, they communicated very persistently that whatever you were was not quite right, like it wasn't gonna be enough. And it's like, oh, almost, but no, you're not there yet. Like, oh, you just fell short. Like, oh, you well, you should have done it this way. It's that it's that guy.

SPEAKER_00 28:10

Yeah, you know what's interesting about both of those is that what is that core limiting belief in both of those? It's like, what if I'm not enough? And then I am not, right? It's like, God, and personally for me, and we were gonna get to this as we go through these, but I could just speak to it now. It's like, I when I sat with myself and I looked at all of these when I first read that book, um I could pick out, right? And you're not gonna pick out one that your parent is. You're going to see, okay, maybe there's like a main one that they are, and then there's one maybe that they both are, and then there's one that is just mom, and there's one that's just dad. And in the moment, because these are right after each other, the status-oriented parent was my mom for me. Not the full one, but that's like a part of like a subcategory of her full one. Um, and then the critical parent was my dad. And I think that's just so interesting. And as we're saying it now, I'm having that realization of like it's it's the total opposite, but the still the same core belief that I had to work through and that I still work through, right? Um, and I think it's just interesting because it's like you're it's still giving um that same result, but by withholding or criticizing in a you know from a different way. It's it it's just interesting.

SPEAKER_03 29:30

So um you're a Virgo.

SPEAKER_00 29:33

Literally, good thing.

SPEAKER_01 29:36

I love that you just threw in an astrology reference. I'm so proud of you. Yeah, good, bro. Good thing, like fuck. Jesus. Yeah, because you know a Leo would be like, bitch, I am enough. I know, literally. Imagine, honestly, me in a past life is definitely a Leo.

SPEAKER_00 29:54

Like, please. Uh, because God, then I wouldn't even have to worry about this. But the Virgo, that critic, like like that critical girly. And with a Capricorn moon and then an Aries rising. All right, we're not getting all the way in in the um, all right. The critical child is the child of a critical parent. Let me just describe myself really quick. Um the child of a critical parent by adulthood. This bitch does not need the parent in the room anymore, right? She has imported the voice, okay? Upload the what is that file? SRV file, whatever. It is now her, okay. Um, this inner critic, we've talked about this, go back to the very first episodes, that inner mean girl, right? She knows that voice well. And think about that because she had literally trained her whole life for it hearing it. And so that's familiar. She adopts it. And now, this is why I love doing this with clients. I was like, we gotta name that something different because we are just absorbing that that that is us. But when the parent stops telling us these things, who is the one that continues telling us? And that's what happens here from the critical parent, the inner critic that's running the show because it sounds just like them. She finishes something and she immediately finds what's wrong with it, critiques the fuck out of it. And then she can't receive a compliment without deflecting that it's like, you know, like, um, oh, I just got this here, you know, like whatever. Like it's like she downplays it, right? Or like moves on to the next thing, like switches the subject really quick. She preemptively like criticizes herself before anyone else can get there first, because if she rejects herself first, that's safer than someone else doing that, right? And that's a big one that I know a lot of women like will probably resonate with because it's like think about where these blocks then can show up about like how do you ex how you express yourself or how um, you know, in relationship, right? It's like if you reject yourself first and before the other person does, then it it's like this self you win. It's like self-inflicting here. Yeah. Um ultimately she has the most this is what's scary. She has the most certainty that like she'll certainly never um she'll certainly never be the one that will allow herself to fully feel proud, right? And then what does that do of like this I'm not enough? It's like she doesn't allow it to ever be enough. Like what the fuck is enough?

SPEAKER_03 32:39

The next one is the peer-like parent. This is the cool mom. Not your regular mom, the cool mom. Uh and this was this uh this setup reversed the polarity entirely, right? Because instead of the parent regulating the child, then the child became responsible for regulating the parent. So um their emotions, or if they were lonely, or if they had a need for companionship or validation. This happens a lot in households with single parents. Like she was called to be the mature one. She was called to be her parents' bestie. She was, you know, actually parentified and carrying a lot of the emotional weight that was never really hers to carry.

SPEAKER_00 33:25

Not look, not all these in order. Like, okay, we weren't talking about the one that is the one, the my mom's main one. That's this one, okay? Um, and love her to death. Um, but yes, and the subcategory of hers is the other I mentioned. Um, okay, the child of this. The child of the peer-like parent grows into a woman who cannot stop motherfucking caretaking. And maybe she looks at that as like, I'm nurturing, right? It's like, yeah, because you've literally trained for this. This, okay. She's the one who feels responsible again for everyone else's emotional state in the room. Any room she enters, she'll take that on, right? She's who says, um, she says yes when she really means fucking no, because disappointing anyone feels catastrophic. It feels like it's the end of the world, right? She's the one who confuses love with labor. Um, if she's not doing something for you, if she doesn't know how, if she doesn't know where her value is with you, right? She doesn't know how to believe that you actually want her around, right? If I'm not, if I'm not producing something, if I'm not um of any value, right? How can I be in this room? Um setting a boundary doesn't feel like self-respect for her. It feels like abandonment, right? Because it's like she's she's been wired to not choose herself here. Like she she will choose the other, right? This is where I'm like, um we talk about human design here and there. I I'm a geek on human design, but when it comes to the left and right angle cross, like most of these, uh, with a peer-like parent, that child is gonna grow up into a woman nine times out of ten, who is like the left, the left angle cross. And that doesn't mean anything for anyone who doesn't know, but like it's curious, it's interesting to see some right angle crosses will act as the left. And then once they realize this, it's like, oh, actually, that's not how I was designed to be. And so many of us are living opposite of how we were designed because it's all this conditioning. So the boundary here, again, like that's the that's the bar. It doesn't feel like self-respect, it feels like abandonment. And when you're setting these boundaries, it will probably be challenging for you because again, you've trained for this. This is all you've ever known. And until you when you do something different, your nervous system is like, what the hell is going on? This is not what we know is familiar.

SPEAKER_03 35:58

Yeah. Yeah. Next one is the uninvolved parent, the absentee. I was gonna go with bum, but you know, it seems aggressive. So the absentee. So whether they were physically absent or just simply checked out, right? Like this left a specific kind of wound. It's the wound of being invisible. And it's interesting because it's you're you're not actively hurt, you're just not seen, like you're not tracked. You you're not a priority in any consistent enough way to build any type of secure attachment from, right? And there's a particular loneliness to that wound because it doesn't come with a clean story. It's you know, there's not really anything like really dramatic that happened, or again, there was no like direct abuse. It was more just like neglect, like you were just not quite enough of a priority to be fully present for.

SPEAKER_00 36:55

Yeah. And the adult that comes from the uninvolved parent had carries this like deep, like a bone deep belief that she's too much to ask. Like she she's too much to ask of anyone. So what does she do? She doesn't ask anything, she doesn't ask shit. She's like, like again, the last episode, hiding, right? Like, I'm not gonna speak my needs, I'm not gonna, you know, be able to um safely feel like I can vocalize and ask of anything. She's hyper-independent, not because she doesn't need people, she wants people, she definitely does, but because she because needing people and not having them show up uh is a specific kind of pain that she decided a long time ago. I don't want to feel that shit again. And so it is safer for me to not need anyone because then that reinforces that like I was once abandoned, right? She overgives to secure a connection before it runs out, and she gotta do it in the time frame of when she has it because she knows that it's always run out before that's all her past evidence, that's her previous reference point she goes back to. And so when that happens, if there is a secure attachment here, I gotta I gotta take it. I gotta cling to it, right? This one I just want to give the the adult that the adult from the um uninvolved parent just like a big old hug. Deep big old hug, like come to mama type vibe.

SPEAKER_03 38:35

And then we have the controlling patterns, right? So the authoritarian parent who made obedience like of the highest value, right? Or the helicopter parent who made safety from failure the highest value. And it's like different methods, but it's the same message to the child at the end of the day. Like your instincts can't be trusted, and you need to be managed at all times. Like these are this is these are the dabblers. Like, I gotta be in all your shit all the time, right? And the world is not safe for the version of you that thinks for herself. So you need to, you need to make sure that I am handling all the things.

SPEAKER_00 39:17

You know, it's interesting to see where each of these, some some stand alone, some coupled together, right? The status-oriented parent and the critical parent, those are coupled together, they produce that same limiting belief with this one producing the same limiting belief. And I though the authoritarian parent and the um helicopter parent are two very different styles, it's like they're doing the same thing. Again, different methods. Um, but what's coming back down is like this inner message, right? So to the child, they're both producing an adult that has profoundly or profound difficulty trusting herself because there's been someone else always making the decisions or for her. Like this person doesn't know what their intuition sounds like, right?

SPEAKER_03 39:59

It's like one is like you have to do everything I say because I know best and you don't know. And the other one is like, you have to avoid, like, I have to make sure like nothing happens to you ever.

SPEAKER_00 40:10

Yeah. Yeah. Right. One's instilling fear, like you don't know, so you have to revolt back to me or revert back to me. And the other one is like, I'm so fearful, like, so like remember this, and then like I'm giving you my fear.

SPEAKER_03 40:23

Like you should also be afraid of everything.

SPEAKER_00 40:26

Yeah, like uh because I am, you have to be too, right? Um, so God, the this woman's intuition is is is cloudy as fuck. It's murky, it doesn't know. Like this, this is the one who her inner voice probably sounds like one of her parents, right? She um she second guesses decisions until she's paralyzed. That freeze response, right? I can't even take action here. Um, she's either the one who defaults entirely what she thinks um that is expected of her, like what she's supposed to be doing, or she pendulums totally to the other side and goes into rebellion against it, right? So this is where, like for the helicopter, right? Of like you're a helicopter now and then your child's gonna rebel. Or in the authoritarian author, I can't not ever say this, authoritarian parent. The other side where that pendulum is like, okay, I gotta always do what's expected of me. I'm a rule follower, right? Because if I break the rules, fuck, right? So it's just interesting to see how some couple together. And sometimes in the same day, the independence here for this adult feels both necessary and terrifying, right? Because this woman never got to practice what actually holding a safe container for herself felt like. She either had to comply or she had to escape it. And actually, neither of those is fucking true. It's in a cage for both of them.

SPEAKER_04 41:50

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_03 41:51

Yeah. So, like, think back through the patterns and think about which one or two feel most familiar and not just about the parent necessarily, but the adult behavior that is a result of it that we described. Like, where do you see yourself? That's that's the blueprint that we're looking for, and that's the best place to start.

SPEAKER_00 42:13

Yeah. And when you do that, right, it can, like we said in the beginning, can you just observe, right? Like it may, it may sting when you start to see those qualities within you, but then it's like, it's almost like working backwards, like, oh, I see then who I became, and then oh, this was this was because of this, right? And it's like, can you allow, can you just allow yourself to observe it at first and know that you're you may resonate with a couple of these, like both of I think this is a good time too, like if you're open. I want to uh I want us to choose maybe one that was our parent, and then maybe another one that resonates with them. Like for me, I know my mom was um later on like more the like the overall architect of like the peer-like parent. Um, but then ones that resonated with her as like more helicopter and more the status-oriented parent, right? And then with my dad, my dad was overall the um authoritarian parent, um, the critical parent. That's like his subcategory. And then I'm realizing this even now doing this episode, where I'm like, well, my both of them were the reactive parent. And I'm like, oh my God. You know, it's like so you'll see as you go through these, where I'm like, you you can see pieces, obviously, of yourself, and then you could see where they fall, and then which ones, because they're they were once a unit before you came along, right? Which ones do they fall into together? Which I think if we could pull out the main one, like okay, you get a authoritarian parent and a um a peer-like parent in the room. What do they wind up having a baby in? You know what I mean? Like, I think it's just interesting. Where would you say for you um Um your parents.

SPEAKER_03 44:02

Yeah, I mean, I only have one frame of reference. Um, I don't know, and I don't know my father. I've never met him, so I don't really have a frame of reference of what his parenting style would be because he never parented. Um there was sorry. So maybe like the absent. Um, I mean, yes, physically so. Um and the other one, we were dealing with potentially multiple personalities. So there's a couple of facets that were in place. But yeah, the ones that stand out to me the most are definitely gonna be um the uninvolved parent, like the absentee, was probably the lead. It depends on the day. It's between that one and and the reactive parent or the eggsheller. Like those are gonna be um the most prevalent patterns that I saw, and that that falls in line very much with like the adult characteristics that were um built from that, right? Like that ripple effect. Like I'm I'm very hyper-vigilant and I'm fiercely independent, and I uh I struggle with like needing people or admitting like that I need or or would rely on someone.

SPEAKER_00 45:17

Like I get physically uncomfortable relying on people, yeah, or like that you do want actually the connection. Yeah. Um I think it's important when we talk about this stuff because like we're also in this with anyone listening, right? We have our own set of parents, we have our own behaviors we've developed, um, where it just gives insight. We started this podcast so that you could see yourself in another woman's story. And I think a big piece of doing this work is also having the capacity to be vulnerable and share these real things, right? We want, we tell you guys these things, but it's like we also are experiencing that. And it's it's being vulnerable enough to share it with you guys, even learning things about us as this podcast has continued. Like, you know, these are these are this is why we call it low and slow, because it's like, yeah, these are these are gonna hit. Um, and so in us being vulnerable, I encourage you to, as you're listening and learning things about us and can hear maybe something that we share, can you give your that same compassion to yourself? Like women are natural expanders of each other. Women expand other women. And when a woman is being vulnerable and sharing something, can take the magic from that and let know that you can also give yourself that same vulnerability. It's possible. Um, and to not like God, if like more women in in around each other can show each other this, like that's the magic here. So I want to slow down and talk about some um something that actually happens inside of a child when she's living with an emotionally immature parent. Because understanding this mechanism is what makes it possible to stop pathologizing yourself as an adult. Um and this is the piece that we don't think about, right? It's like, well, I eventually had to grow into the adult that I became, you know. Like what we what we know about children and how they're wired is that they're built to attach, right? The baby comes out, we gotta do the skin to skin, right? Like they're wired to have to do that, right? Because that's a survival. Like they need to know that they're attaching to something. Um full stop, like before anything else, before any other drives, before the nervous system of child of a child is organized around one primary goal, and that's to maintain the connection to its caregiver.

SPEAKER_03 47:57

Whether and so that's who independent for survival, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 48:01

Right. And who birthed them? Their mother. We all came, Tupac said it, we all came from a mother, right? Like we all came from a woman. That's what he said. And yes, like that's why they give the baby, that's why they give the baby to the dad for skin-to-skin connection, because it they're also trying to attune the the baby to the dad as well. Um, and for a child, that connection is not just emotional. Again, so it's survival. It's necessary in order for the child to survive. Um, so when the caregiver's behavior is like confusing, inconsistent, it's frightening, um, it's simply emotionally unavailable. There's no emotional attunement there. What does that tell the child's nervous system? Oh, my parents have limitations, right? There's not capacity or there's not capability, is what it tells the child. But what we run then learn afterwards is like, oh, there wasn't capacity, right? So it concludes that when that happens, of like, if there's not capability here, my parents have limitations, right? What is that? We ask clients this all the time. What does that mean about you? Well, that must mean that something's wrong with me, right? Because the alternative is the person that I depended on for survival, the person that I needed, the person that is not reliably safe, it's too threatening for it's through too threatening to hold. So that's that that must be what it means. And then what happens? The child adapts. And that's the whole episode we did last time. Like, pause right here and go back if you haven't listened to it. Like she starts to edit herself and to fit into what space is available, right? She starts to suppress the parts of herself that maybe get punished or ignored or shamed or judged or criticized. She amplifies the parts that get rewarded and the parts that keep the peace, right? The parts that when she walked on eggshells were safe, right? And then what happens because of all these feelings, because of all the editing, because of believing that what she built in those adaptations, she starts to build a story. And that story is like that core narrative about herself, right? We talk about like these limiting beliefs, right? About herself, about the relationship. And this is based entirely on what her specific environment taught her, right? Again, we are animalistic beings, we are creatures of hab, like habit. We the we know what we need. And in the environment, we're going to adapt to what we need. And maybe that means adapt like what that specific environment taught her is not on who she actually is, but it's on what was safe for her to be in that particular home. And in that particular home with that particular parent in that particular developmental moment, right? That's why I say all the time, of God, can we can we not sh like we were just doing the best we could at the time with the tools that we had? And when we realized the things that we built in ourselves to be able to survive, can we not shame those? Because it's like that's who we needed to be in that moment in order to make it, right? And in that story, that early pre-verbal, um body held conclusion about her own worth or her um lovability, be that really becomes the foundation that everything in her else in her life gets built on, right? Like we talk about the containers and you know, starting at like what we what would we want this foundation to look like? Like when we, if we can zoom out for a second and realize that all of this is a capacity issue, it's like it is it's almost a disservice to not do this for yourself or do this work for yourself because then it's like, oh my God, I'm literally, I had this, my parent, my dad, or you know, my parents had this. And before this happens, where I then have a child, I need to really get this shit in check. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_03 52:13

Yeah, but there's there's a lot of resistance to change as adults, you know, as we all know. But like, you know, that story was not formed in the part of the brain that processes logic and language. It was formed in the part of the brain that processes just safety and threat. And it's neurologically stored as body memory. It's like a felt sense or a reflex or you know, a gut level knowing, you know, that operates well below the level of conscious thought. So all of this is subconscious, which is why you can know intellectually that you are worthy of love and still not feel it, right? This is what I reference all the time as like setting off your bullshit meter. If I'm standing in the mirror and I'm like, I'm worthy of love, but it was programmed in my subconscious that I wasn't based on the parenting style that I grew up with, then it's going to set off my bullshit meter. I'm not going to feel it, which is why you can understand your attachment patterns in extraordinary detail. You can do all the research in the world and still recreate them in every relationship that you end up in. Like the knowing lives in your head, but the blueprint lives in your body. That's why we emphasize both, right? And here's the thing, ladies, the body's version always gets more votes. All right. That is why reparenting is not a thinking exercise. It's not about understanding your childhood better. That matters, like it really does matter, but it's about giving your nervous system new repeated experiences that contradict the old conclusions. Because every time you allow yourself to need something and someone shows up, guess what? That's an update, right? That's a rep in the good bucket. And every time you hold a boundary and the relationship survives and it's not the end of the world and they don't abandon you, then that's another update. That's another rep, right? And every time you're honest about how you feel and the world doesn't end because you didn't hold back, you didn't bite your tongue, that's another update. That's another rep. And it has to be slow and it has to be incremental so that way you can actually believe it. Because below that level of insight, like that's how that blueprint changes. That's why we say all the time, you know, like if I were to try to challenge myself with practicing the positive language, right? Or or the the recognition or the acknowledgement of what what these things feel like in my body as opposed to what I'm intellectually trying to interpret it is. When when I say like the the what the body feels is always going to have more votes, this is what I reference a lot in coaching of like, we've got this bucket over here that's full of all of these reps of all the times that your body has told you the shit that's not serving you because it was programmed there already. And then we think that if we just try a couple times to counteract that with you know some positive affirmations that we got online, then it's like, well, that didn't work.

SPEAKER_04 55:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 55:23

No, it's not gonna work. Like it, you it it's look at what it's up against. You know what I mean? Like it takes time and practice and it takes recognition every time those negative reps come up to say, okay, I see that, I recognize it, I can intellectually understand where it's coming from. And now I'm gonna feel in my body where it's coming from, and I'm gonna tell myself a different story. And I'm gonna do that on repeat until my body starts to recognize this is the new story that we are operating with. This is the new blueprint that we're laying in. This is what we're gonna build from.

SPEAKER_00 55:54

Right, which is why repetition is so important because the brain does not learn what is true, it believes what's true, it believes what you repeat. And the body doesn't the but if the brain is learning from your body, the mind is creating an environment that the body is responding to, like your body, it's gonna take a lot longer for that shit to sit in your body. Like the it's such a bar that I think um when we had Melissa on, we're trying to solve feeling problems with thinking solutions when she said that. Right. And we take no time to actually do the things that our body needs to even be able to catch up to where our mind is.

SPEAKER_03 56:45

Yeah, and naming your parents' emotional pattern and tracing it forward into your own behavior is not victimhood, right? Like I I really want to be direct about that because I think it's the thing that makes people really resistant to this type of work. There's like a fear that if I look at this, I'm just going to spend my life blaming my parents for everything and never actually change anything. It feels like it's just wallowing or like um self-deprecation or self-pity. And that's not what this is. Seeing the blueprint clearly is not the same as being trapped by it. In fact, it is the opposite, right? Because you can't change what you haven't named. You can't update code that you didn't know was running in the background, right? Like the awareness is not the destination, but it is absolutely necessary as a first stop on the way to get there. So the other thing that I want to name is like the fact that these patterns came from somewhere does not make them inevitable. Like the child who learned to hide her needs because needing things didn't work, that doesn't mean that she's doomed to never have them met, right? Or like the child that, you know, their love, love for them required performance, right? Like she's not condemned to auditioning forever for this role, this star role that she's never gonna get. Like the blueprint is not the building, it's just the original plan. And plans can be revised and not very quickly, like it takes time to do that, right? But and it's also not without effort. It takes time and it takes work, but they can be revised. That's what that is what's to be remembered. Like, you're not your parents' emotional ceiling, like you are the person that you can see the ceiling and choose that, okay. Well, that was that was what was there, and fuck that ceiling. Like, I I want a taller building, like I'm going up from here. Like that gets to be my new floor.

SPEAKER_04 58:46

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_00 58:46

Yeah. I something you said that really stood out. You cannot change what you haven't named, and you can't like the code that you can't update because you didn't know it was running, the programming, right? Um, it is people were fear. I mean, I very much resonate with what you're talking about of the um thing of like, I I mean, I feel like I'm in being in this victimhood when I started doing all this work because it's like, yes, there was some, there was something I experienced from both mom and dad. And it was in realizing the I didn't have to take own, like this is where when we work with clients and we get to take um we get to put some of that down that's not ours, right? And we we have to give ourselves um a uh an entry point to this by being able to identify like where we are, what are the patterns within us, right? And you have to be able to be in it in order to be able to understand it and then enable or be able to change it then after that. And it's like I think we want to this is why we say all the time, like you don't have to be doing this work with your parent because this is stuff that happens within you. And when you do this within you, like consciously or subconsciously, like it does shift something for the lineage because when you can do this within yourself, then it's like you you get to stop taking ownership over shit that wasn't even yours, and then over the stuff that is yours, that's the actual you can give that energy to change those things, right? It's like you don't being able to put some of this down gives you a little bit more capacity to pick up what was uh uh done and then survival so that you can understand like actually you are capable to change this, and like something that um that came when you were saying that that popped into my brain is like when I was doing a lot of this work, I started to ask myself, dang, how regulated can I stay when my mom is triggered, right? Or when this thing comes up around my dad, right? And it's like if I didn't, if I wasn't willing to look at the blueprint or like be in it, right? And and I was so fearful of it, I wouldn't even been able to have these deeper realizations. So I think like it's when you get in there, it's that survival feeling at first that makes you feel like you're trapped in it. But then the more you start to work with it and the more you start to see where these patterns come from, it's like, oh my god, again, it's it's it's a roadmap. It's like you said, of like I get to build this, you know, I get to edit the blueprint. I'm the architect now. That's it. Like I'm the captain now.

SPEAKER_02 1:01:29

I am the architect now.

SPEAKER_01 1:01:32

I am the captain now, and fuck these blueprint plans, these are old, okay? I'm trying to update these shits. So practically, right?

SPEAKER_03 1:01:40

Yeah, well, uh just just to be clear though, like there is there is a brand of victimhood in this that can pop up, right? Really? Like it that only happens though when you've decided that I'm going to blame the parent and allow it to keep me trapped. Like, as in their ceiling is my ceiling by default. It's their fault time like this, and nothing's gonna change, and I'm just gonna sit in this and it sucks. That's the victimhood that can come out of this. That's where you don't want to be.

SPEAKER_00 1:02:10

Yeah, that's where you don't want to be. Because if you're still blaming, that's the thing. Like you're still holding what's theirs. You haven't actually put that down, right? You're still in a victim state. So if you are like there's a clear distinction of like after you put it down, because can you even be able to see a different perspective of what was happening? And I think for anyone that still operates in that victim place, it's because they really can't see outside, like they can't see outside of their own patterns that they're nine times out of ten not seeing that their parents did as well, that they're subconsciously doing. Well, because it would take a level of accountability. Well, a level of accountability, or also just like uh it's being addicted to taking ownership of a story that's not yours, you know what I mean? And then it's like, God, can you just put that down? And what if? Like it's almost like it's almost like it's scary to only own what was yours here because it's so unfamiliar. Again, when you're operating out of the and this is just bringing the nervous system back in, when you're operating out of the victim mentality, which we all have, or that victimhood, and you're staying there and you're stuck there, it's nine times out of ten because that's just what your nervous system is trying to do. But it's like staying there is not actually keeping you safe, right? That's the real shit you don't want to hear. And it's like it going into it and actually doing the work from it, that's what's gonna allow you to move that. And like that's what building actually looks like. It starts with exactly what we said in the challenge earlier, identifying the patterns, right? And like I think when when we say accountability, it's like when we say accountability, it's like we don't have to think it is when we take accountability for something or ownership, that doesn't mean it's our fault of like I am, like this is why I am the way I am. Because again, that's still assigning blame. Like, can I just observe that that that was a natural way that that adult wind up turning out? Like we described, right? We went into these very specifically describing it was this type of parent, and then the child is most likely an adult that's like this. Why? Because of X, Y, and Z. Can we just observe that? It's not about wallowing in it, it's just to make it visible. It's just to put the magnifying glass on it for you to be able to see, oh, that's where that came from. Like if I am, if I'm still, if I'm um like new if I'm absorbing that or taking accountability or like ownership for that, like I'm still, I'm still absorbing those feelings that are from that. I'm still making it mean something about me. Because the moment that you can name the pattern, you create this first tiny little sliver of distance between you and it. And this is why we have you write shit down, because the second, that tiny sliver is taking it out from up here and putting it onto paper so that you can get some space and clarity from it. Why? Because in your head, it's still attached to the shit you haven't put down yet. It's still attached to the parent, it's still attached to that last reference point within you that had to be this person in order to survive. So from there, after you identify it, right, you create the distance, it's no longer that that's just what you are, right? It's just the way I am, right? This is something that you're doing. This is where we had that episode of like problem to pattern to opportunity, right? This is this thing. This is being able to normalize that this fucking came from somewhere and that actually this gets to be observed. Like there's reasons why with child development, there's studies on this where they are putting parents or putting adults in the room with the baby, like seeing these responses. It's literally studied. The human nature is studied because it is something that can be observed. And from there, after you go a Identify and you observe the work is small. It's small, consistent acts of reparenting, right? Parenting yourself differently than you were parented. And you know, when I say small, I don't mean easy. I don't mean simple even, right? Because it's like there's there's some stuff that comes with that. But it is like Lake and was saying of like those, those reps that update the um, what did you use? Update the copy, update the uh programming, right? It's like those reps that actually allow you to see that with each one that you do, it does rewire something in you because it's new evidence. So if you grew up with a reactive parent and you learn to suppress your emotions and keep the peace, um if the re the reparenting here would be practicing to let your emotions just exist and that it's okay. Like I have clients, they'll start to feel something, and I'm like, what's coming up for you? And they'll say, and it's like, and that's okay. Like just knowing that we don't have to manage them or like immediately, like, no, no, don't feel that, right? It's like, can I just allow the emotion to come up? Because it's probably never had the space to come up without having to do something with it. Right. And so these behaviors that the learning to suppress, right? Uh, keeping the peace in that way, it's not, it's, it doesn't have to be dramatic. It can just be that they can be present, they can exist, they can have a space and container. This is why I tell clients walk after our session so that these emotions that came up have a safe place to land. Like the feelings are the airplanes. Can you be the fucking airport so that they have somewhere to go? Because those planes have been flying around for a long time. And the person that goes like this to tell you to land on the communications have been off. So those need to land eventually somewhere. If you grew up with a critical parent, um, and the and you imported that critic, you took on their voice, the practice, the reparenting practice is noticing when that voice shows up and offering it something different, right? So that's why we name that inner voice, right? Can we start to work with that voice to sh help her see that actually you can become the inner hype girl? And if she's still the inner mean girl, it's probably because she hasn't gotten the time and attention that she needed. It's not about just forcing an affirmation or just saying something true or positive or like toxic positivity, like you can do it. No, this is just like a pause, a breath, an acknowledgement, a notice that wait, I'm criticizing myself right now. Can I name it? Like this is what's happening. It's that pause within yourself that is the space where something new becomes possible. And I will say that again because I know a lot of women need to hear that. The pause, right? The breath, the slow down is the space where something new becomes possible because you've created the container for it to do so. If you grew up carrying someone else's emotional weight and learn to confuse this uh care with love, then the reparenting here is noticing when you're about to override your own needs for the betterment of someone else, right? Of their comfort, of um, of ultimately like the safety that you're looking to feel. And asking, like, is this mine to carry? Right? We're so willing to pick up all this shit and throw it on our backs, but we're not ever willing to look at the load that's on our back that maybe isn't even ours. And so just even interrupting, like when we say pattern interrupting, it's interrupting it and asking a really good fucking question, is this mine to carry? If the answer is no, that doesn't mean you can't support them, right? I want to also be clear about that. Like it's like for the other person, it doesn't mean I can't support them, but I have the awareness enough to make a choice where it's like, okay, this isn't mine, right? I know what's mine, and I I can choose to show up differently here because I'm not willing to go against what I need here. So just asking that question changes the relationship to that knee-jerk reflex, right? One moment at a time, one small, low and slow rep at a time. That is how the blueprint becomes yours to revise. You become the architect.

SPEAKER_03 1:10:35

Yeah, what keeps coming through for me is like how this is so similar to genetics, right? Like I really see genetics as like the blueprint that that your body is created from, right? Like we have a blueprint that's laid down from our genetic makeup. And this often this will come up often too, right? Like, oh, well, you know, it's just my genetics. Like, my this just runs in my family, so it's gonna happen to me, or I'm just predisposed for this. It's like, okay, you you could have all the predispositions under the sun and have this really shitty blueprint that you're working from and still choose to have awareness around it. So I gain the knowledge, I have the awareness of what I'm working with. I can see what's in the blueprint that I have to deal with. And that means I have to choose to intentionally practice lifestyle changes or habits or things that are gonna move me in the direction that I want to go to overcome that blueprint that I'm working with, right? Like I get to see that that was the ceiling that my, my, you know, family opted for. They took the blueprint and said, well, this is what we're dealing with. And I get to say, fuck that ceiling. I'm gonna do something different with it. And it might be harder, right? It's not without work and it's not without time and it's not without attention, but you can change it. And that's what's important. Like you can, you can achieve something different.

SPEAKER_00 1:11:53

Yeah. When you just said that, it reminded me of like within the mother episode where we were talking about you said something, and it will always stand out to me. You said something that, gosh, I look at the lineage of the women in my family, and actually, it was like, well, they um they did like they did what they had to do to survive because if they didn't put themselves first, that they wouldn't survive, right? And it's like that's the ceiling. And then it's like with you and all the work you've done, it's like I'm I'm deciding to go above that because it's not just about surviving anymore, right? And it's like, I want to live, I want to thrive, I want to be the architect. And God, you know, your smart little self, like not little self, your smart self out of that family is like, God, of course you're gonna be the architect. So before we close, um, I want to say something to the person who maybe is sitting with some grief right now. You press play today, and there was some existing stuff that was there. And then now with this conversation, maybe things are a little bit heavy and maybe you don't know what to do with these emotions, right? Grief is an interesting thing. Um see what you saw. You can't unhear what you heard. That maybe you recognize that your parent is clearly in one of those patterns. Um, maybe you recognize yourself in the adult that was impacted and felt a felt a wave of something, maybe sadness, maybe anger, maybe relief that God, these ladies gave it a fucking name because I haven't been able to put my finger on it, right? It's like all of that is appropriate. All of that is welcomed. All of that is in is okay, right? Like whatever came up for you today is okay. And you're not, this isn't a dramatic response from you. You're not being unfair to your parent. You can still have a good relationship with them, right? You can still love and care about them very much. You are actually being honest with yourself about something that shaped you in ways that really deserve to be understood by you, right? So that they're not running you, right? Like I think as children, the the deep down need is like we want understanding, we want acceptance, we want love, we want emotional attunes, like connection, intimacy, emotional attunement. And, you know, just the fact that you decided to press play today and that you're listening and that you stuck through even us going through all these parent types, right? That you made it to the end. Uh, the fact that you're here listening to this, you're clearly, you're clearly trying to see something, and that's not small. That needs to be recognized. So we give your flowers for showing up, just like when you fill out the Google Doc and then you have your first call with us. We know that what it took for you to write that shit down. And this is if you're having a hard time receiving um celebration or compliments or recognition, right? Like this is your first piece of like, let us give you these flowers for listening to this episode today and allowing you to sit with what came up.

SPEAKER_03 1:15:00

Yes, and with your flowers, here is your integration homework. So it's homework time. The thing that I want you to try to do this week, all right. Pick one of these archetypes that felt most familiar to you. And I want you to write down one adult behavior that it produced in you, right? So again, this is this is not to shame yourself for it, it's not to call out your parent and you know, have a conversation and be like, you did da da da da, you know, it's not you're this kind of parent page just to make it visible. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:15:34

I heard on the podcast that you are this type of parent. Don't do that.

SPEAKER_03 1:15:40

All right, they're not available for that. All right. Just write it down for yourself, make it visible because awareness creates choice, right? That's what we were saying. Like you get to choose differently, but you can only choose differently if you can clearly see what it is that you're choosing against. What it I can't name an alternative if I don't see what the what the original option is, right? And so that choice is what makes the new blueprint possible. So that is the homework. Go through the archetypes, find the one that feels most familiar, write down one adult behavior that it produced in you, and then just allow just allow that to exist. Just get familiar with it and see where it comes up for you.

SPEAKER_00 1:16:16

Yeah. And if after you write that down, you want some help with that, if that's something you want to move through, right? Please, you can DM us, you can email us, you can um request a reframe. You can, hey, I listened to this episode and these are mine, and then this is something that's still present, right? Because with a lot of women we work with, it's like now maybe caring for a parent where it's now, you know, very, very opposite. Like I'm no longer, I'm no longer, I'm visibly no longer the child, and but this stuff still came up, right? Um, and so send it in to us. We would love to be able to help and support you through that. Um know that when writing it, the second you write it down, you become the architect. And for if nothing else at all comes from you writing it down, at least you can say that, right? Of like, I I stuck with myself through that moment, I became the architect for a moment. And when I'm ready to do something with this, I know where to go. I have the resources. And if this episode named something within you that you've been carrying quietly or that you didn't have the language for, I really encourage you to share it with a woman who needs to hear it, right? Women are expanders for women. And if you are not sharing what, like, share your downloads, share your share your insights. Yeah, don't be stingy. Like, we love a girly that's gonna put put someone on. We don't, we don't gatekeep here. And if you're listening and that's and that's you, that you are gatekeeping, I lovingly challenge you and directly challenge you to stop doing that shit because there's someone that's waiting for you to own what is coming, this magic that's within you, or these realize realizations within you, because maybe it's possible then they see that it's possible that that can be done for them, that they can do that too. Um, and if you're not subscribed yet to this arc, um, if you're not, if you're not here yet, that's okay too. Um, we want we want to meet you where you're at, and we want you to be in this uh along the journey with us. So we encourage you to rate, like, share, subscribe, um, follow us on Instagram. I have seen the YouTube followers go up, guys, so I really appreciate you there. Um what else, Lake? What else we got for them?

SPEAKER_03 1:18:45

I think that's it for today. Right with you, we appreciate you as always. We really hope that this gave you something today that you maybe didn't have before or helped you get clear on something that was maybe muddy before. And we'll see you next time.

SPEAKER_00 1:19:00

Before we go, two spots are left for our retreat, our peace, play, love retreat. And if you've been seeing anything about it and that is calling to you, if what you're sitting with from today feels like I wanna, this is exactly what I need help on, know that there's a container, an in-person belly-to-belly experience where if you're struggling to give that container to yourself, there's one that's provided for you. June 2026, it's coming very quickly. Two spots are left. And um, yeah, wanna wanna mention that. Everything all the details are in in our show notes, and we encourage you to take a look at it. See you next time. We out.