EPP: Meet Janel (Leading By Example, A BJJ Mom's Hope For Her Daughter)

As a mother, you face a multitude of challenges, from parenting responsibilities to personal aspirations. In this post, we explore how Janel navigates the demands of single motherhood while pursuing her passion for jujitsu. Discover the valuable insights she shares about personal growth, resilience, and the importance of finding balance in life.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:04

Hey everyone and welcome to Emily's Pajama Party. My name is Emily, and today's episode is such a good one. Whether you're listening in the car or on a walk or even folding laundry, thanks for spending a little bit of time with me. So let's jump right into it. This week's nugget on how I can get better my own jujitsu game, I have to remember about connection and pressure. I know that it's not necessarily me using all of my muscles because I'm gonna gas myself out. I just have to be smart. I don't always have to be heavy, but I do have to be connected. And good pressure isn't smashing randomly, it's removing space and making the other person carry you. Formidable people don't feel chaotic, they feel inevitable. I read that and I was like, that's it. They feel inevitable. They're going to be there and they're gonna be sticky, and all those things are so important and closing that distance. What a great reminder for me. For this week's episode, I got to sit down with my new friend Janelle. From the moment I met her, she was welcoming and honest and authentic, and I loved her approach and the inclusivity she brought to jujitsu. I love her story. I love her quiet determination and how do I say it? I love her ability to put her head down and get the job done. She's been through a lot in her lifetime, and she is still smiling and she is still growing, and she's one of those great humans that I have been so honored to get to meet through jujitsu. I hope you love her story as much as I do. And here, come meet my friend Janelle. Thank you, Janelle, for joining me on the podcast. I'm so glad you're here. Thank you so much for having me, Emily. I'm so excited. This is going to be a different kind of podcast than what we typically do. And I'm excited about the journey and it might look a little bit different. So we're going to kind of talk about being a mom and jujitsu and having a daughter and what it looks like. But I think in order to get there, we have a full story to tell. So Janelle, can you tell us a little bit what were you and who were you before you were a mom? I feel like once we become a mom, it's it's that step forward that you can never untake. But we lived such different lives. So what did your life look like?

SPEAKER_00 2:25

Yeah, well, I can say before I was a mom, I was definitely an ambitious artist. Young, quiet kid driven. Didn't know really exactly a direction of like where I was headed, but I did know um since I was a teenager that I wanted to make a positive impact on the world in some light. So I was a student, art major, and from there I, you know, was working three jobs, navigating a bunch of like studies and working at the same time, even working at Starbucks while I was pregnant with my daughter. So just super ambitious and like excited to see where life was going to lead me.

SPEAKER_01 3:06

It sounds like you're a doer, like you have drive and you put everything into it. You're not one that's going to sit back and let life happen. You're going to make it what you need it to be. And what did that look for look like for you growing up?

SPEAKER_00 3:22

Oh, I actually grew up in the city of Boyle Heights in Los Angeles with my two older brothers. And I was the only girl, and my dad and my mom. If those that are familiar with Los Angeles area, specifically Boyle Heights, there was um, it's actually a big in the film industry, and there's like a lot of artists um that do a lot of um music videos, just a lot of references. We're uh I'm uh Mexican, you know, household. We had a very like cultural, Latino, cultural growing up. So it wasn't in the best neighborhood, but I still was like grateful for all the opportunities I had, you know, being as a you know first generation going to college. I felt like there was like a lot that not that I had to prove, but I needed to mean something for all the sacrifices that both my parents made for me.

SPEAKER_01 4:13

That's a lot on your shoulders. And I would imagine as a child, understanding I'm living a life that many would dream of, and I can't waste it. Exactly. There's always that adage um shoot for the moon because even if you miss, you're amongst the stars, and you are shooting for the moon for like all the people that got you there, and that could be a lot of pressure. And I could imagine trying to always perform, it would be really easy to burn out with that on your shoulders.

SPEAKER_00 4:44

Oh yeah. I had a kind of like I had like a tie-in between like my dad was at the time, you know.

SPEAKER_01 4:51

So I'm gonna pause the recording for just a second. Sometimes post-recording and editing, I hear things differently. So at this point, Janelle had said she started to hear a pretty heavy echo back. And I was thinking of a way that I can reword her story, but I wanted to leave it authentic in what she said. So please bear with me. It sounds terrible, it makes my skin crawl because it's kind of echoey, but I love her words better than my own.

SPEAKER_00 5:16

Not in the best neighborhood. So we had a certain like community that we had that was, you know, like I guess gang affiliated. But then with my mom, she works for the court. So I had both worlds where it's street smart, but also book smart education. So just tying myself into these two worlds and then blending it and making it my own was really like eye-opening for me and bringing me a lot of awareness that there's a lot of similarities on a lot of aspects.

SPEAKER_01 5:46

Now we met through a jiu-jitsu camp. Were you active as a kid? Did you get into sports because of the community that you're in? Did it look differently? Did it look similar to other experiences?

SPEAKER_00 5:58

Yeah, so growing up, I actually was a long distance runner. I was really passionate about running. Um, I remember you mentioned about having a passion for running too, so I really like got excited with that one. But when I was 10, I actually trained to run the LA Marathon, and then I had a back injury, so then it kind of held me back until I was uh 12 years old, is when I officially ran the LA Marathon. So I was really proud about that. But that was my outlet at the time. That was like I feel like for a scump, you just keep on running and running, and no matter what is happening in the backlight, you just focus on the present and currently what you're doing, and that's moving your body in some capacity for me. And that was my outlet. But my go-to was art and drawing. So I always had a sketchbook around, always had um something I would be doodling even in class. So those were kind of like the two components that I was doing. And then up until my high school, I was actually interested in weightlifting and being in the gym. So at 15 years old, I was actually just lifting weights, you know, super small, but building my way up. And then it's been probably about over 15 years since I've actually in and out of the gym and lifting weights. That's been a consistent thing I've done a lot of my life.

SPEAKER_01 7:20

Now it's interesting on the athlete perspective because with distance running, there is like a pain factor. You just have to get used to sitting in the uncomfortable. And then you talk about art and the creative peace and self-expression, and then you add in the lifting for strength. And it's such a weird swirly mix, but how jujitsu could fit perfectly with components to each of those. How did you find your way into jujitsu?

SPEAKER_00 7:46

So this was an interesting one. I honestly I tell a lot of people this when they ask me, like, what got you started? My cousin Miguel, shout out to my cousin, because he's actually a brown belt and he's been in the game for a minute. And a lot of the times I growing up, I would see him. He was always either doing some type of martial arts, uh, Muay Thai, boxing. Jiu Jitsu is the one he was really consistent with. And you know, for quite some time he was asking me, hey cousin, you should come with me to the to the mats, like you should just try it out. And so I would always be shy because he was my go-to. Like he would he would take me with him to like boxing, to like muay thai. I went one time with him back in 2019 for Nogi. I didn't realize it was Noki. He didn't tell me, he made it sound like, oh, it's like self-defense. So then I was like, okay, sure, I think that's helpful. So we went out on Santa Monica. I did some Nogi apparently that I didn't realize, and I was like, oh, this is actually really helpful, but kind of fell off. And then, you know, the pandemic happened, life happened, and then came back to, I think, uh over, yeah, like a year and a half ago. Again, my cousin asked me, Hey, you're more than welcome to join us. I'm gonna be training a class nearby your area. So I said, okay, you know, I kind of just did it and, you know, went, took my daughter. I thought this would be a great thing that both of us did together, kind of like a mother-daughter bonding thing. And I just uh it's been the most consistent practice that I've done in a good while.

SPEAKER_01 9:16

It is nice to find that thing that feeds your soul, and then you can do it together. And what an opportunity for that. And there we've talked a lot on the show about the vulnerability of jujitsu. And I'm curious, did your daughter enjoy it as much as you did in the beginning? Did she find it as something exciting for her?

SPEAKER_00 9:36

You know what's so interesting, Emily, is that like she actually didn't like it, at least the the kids' class component of it. She thought the boys were too rough um with her, and it's something new, and so that was understandable. But I took a big liking to it and I just kind of continued running with it. So for my daughter, I took her to um karate and judo. So she currently trains in both of those martial arts, and that's her, she loves that so much. She does like jujitsu, but she likes it in a space where it's in more of like a private lesson setting, not in a class kind of environment, but she does, you know, know a thing or two about jujitsu. She does respect it, but she caters a lot more towards karate and judo. But she knows mama loves jujitsu, she knows that's my thing.

SPEAKER_01 10:23

I love that. Like, I love that there's there is that part of the combat sports. She is learning how to defend herself, and you have to find what works in your life. It's just, I would imagine, like an artist, you might lean more towards acrylics or watercolor or whatever your medium happens to be. You're still expressing, you're still like in the martial art world, you're still learning to defend yourself, you're gaining stronger and confidence. It just has a slightly different name to it.

SPEAKER_00 10:50

Absolutely. Yeah, there's still movement to it. And I think that's the big biggest important thing is that I wanted to show my daughter that, you know, regardless, like I would just hope that she continues having a passion for knowing how to defend yourself. And I don't want her to ever be in a bad situation where she needs to use these tools, but also like an empowering moment that you have these tools in the back of your pocket and you know, something that you can have an outlet and lean into when things do get rough in life, like it doesn't have to be like a like a really um traumatic experience just with you know how life goes, like the ins and outs and flows of things.

SPEAKER_01 11:29

I think you talked, like I love the part you brought up earlier in your childhood. You had these really positive outlets. You talked about lifting weights, you talked about running, and how that helped you like handle and manage stress. How do you think jujitsu has worked out and helped you manage stress in your own life?

SPEAKER_00 11:45

Oh boy, I think I I've had uh recently gone through a lot as an adult now, and I kind of really like to be intentional and navigate of how I move, what I do, and how it's gonna impact not only me but my daughter's life. And with jujitsu, it kind of really helped me be in the moment, be present, and really take in not only what I'm learning, but like a self-reflection with myself, with my own body, and how that affects me and whether it's I'm rolling on open mat or I'm learning a new move in class and I'm not doing that great in it. It's like it helps me kind of remove the ego and just let that sit and really just be present and fit figure out in the moment what I am trying to accomplish because all of the outside factors that's just noise right now, and just to be present, and it's really awesome to have a community to lean in and to trust, you know, my training partners. And being you're being vulnerable in a sense with jujitsu, you need to trust your partners. There's no really other way. You can't half, you know, that I'm trying to not to cuss, but like you can't like sugarcoat it you either trust them or you don't. And I think that's really important where it's helped me navigate for myself what are my boundaries, who I trust, how I trust, and do I trust myself enough that I'm not gonna get hurt or that continuing to show up for myself and being consistent with something. And yeah, it's it's been really, really important, especially dealing with my father who recently passed around it's been over four months now. Jiu Jitsu has truly like helped me and my daughter like navigate a lot of hard life situations that we've had to go through together.

SPEAKER_01 13:38

Do you think you've carry that into parenting as you've worked with your daughter?

SPEAKER_00 13:42

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. I didn't really know what I was gonna get with jujitsu. I just know that once I stepped on the mat, I was like, how have I not done this sooner? And I just want to continue doing it. More and more as I've gone into training and navigating this whole world, new universe for me. I realized that, you know, I can say a bunch of things to my child of saying, don't do this, you know, stay in school and you know, work hard and doing all these things, but I can say all I want. It's my actions that are gonna take it somewhere, where she's gonna see through my actions, you know, what I'm saying. So I wanted to reflect of what I'm telling her. It was like in terms of showing up for yourself, being consistent, you know, you get knocked down, you get back up. And like basically the biggest thing for me with jujitsu is leaving the ego at the door because there's always gonna be someone bigger and stronger, more technical, you know, on that skill level than you. That's something that's outside of our control, right? It's more so what's within my control. And so that's what I hone in on, and that's what I hope I can reflect and show through my actions with her is that I'm mommy's consistent and mommy's not gonna let, you know, one or two things knock her down and gonna continue to show up on the mat and you know, put on my ghee or put on my rash girt and you know, show up for myself because that is my form of self-care and putting time and into myself that goes a long way for my week.

SPEAKER_01 15:20

I was talking with a friend the other night and we were talking about the phrase, when people show you who they are, believe them. And I think, like with my own children, they have seen me run races and they've seen me go to class and they've seen the G burn on my cheek, and they've seen me hobble through the door and continue. And it's really interesting because they don't it's like a Tuesday, like it's it's so embedded in like who I am. And I try to be mindful of the time that I have with them. I'm in a situation where I have my kids a little more than 50%. There's a there's a sharing, there's a co-parenting situation, and so I try to be mindful when I have them, but also showing them it's still important for me to move my body, take care of myself. I want to be the best version of myself, and I want that for them too. I want it not, it's not a choice. If I want to move in the future, I have to take care of myself now.

SPEAKER_00 16:15

Yeah, absolutely. And it's like I really try to lean with my daughter of like checking in with your body and your health. And I mean health in all aspects the physical, the mental, the emotional. She's 10 years old. I've been trying to embed this since she was born, right? Like, whether it's subconscious, but a lot of the subconscious and the intentionality is behind it.

SPEAKER_01 16:39

We are striving to be the best version of ourselves. We take care of others, we live authentically.

SPEAKER_00 16:45

Yeah. And I do feel like a lot of this is like since my daughter was born. I've tried to be mindful in showing her how important our health is. And by health, I don't just mean the physical, I mean the emotional, the mental health parts of it. Those are just as important too, and checking in with your body. And I do feel like jujitsu has really helped align a lot of those elements, those core values for me to focus in for my daughter is that like we can't, you know, not be okay if we're like training and we have like an injury to take care of, or you know, we're going through a hard time and like not ignoring that and like really trying to um hone in on it, you know, it's a good, it's a good outlet as well for the mental capacity part of it.

SPEAKER_01 17:30

It's so interesting that we talk about that, and I've heard it boundaries. Boundaries have come up in the last couple years of being so important, so important. And I think when I first thought, I misunderstood boundaries as what I allow others to do. Like, I don't want you to say let's say XYZ, bad words in front of me. It's not what I tell you that you can and can't do, it's what I allow into my life. So it's like I don't allow people around me that are going to talk down to me. I don't allow people around me that disrespect me. What if jujitsu taught you about your boundaries?

SPEAKER_00 18:08

It's actually taught me a lot about yeah, what I will and will not tolerate and respect factors of like for myself. Because people are gonna do or say whatever they're gonna say. That's outside of my control. Again, I hone in on what's within my control, and I do have a voice, I do have boundaries, and I try to be um communicative and you know, express that. And I I don't have control of how it's gonna be received on the other end, but I know at least I'm being authentically myself and true to myself, and I'm not gonna make myself small for other people's comfort in that sense of like if I could help it, if it's really um a non-negotiable for me and it really sits with my, you know, my heart, I'm gonna speak it. I'm gonna speak my truth. So communication is definitely a big factor and with respect too, because you know, we're all navigating this, and especially with jujitsu, nobody's perfect, I'm not perfect. Um, so I try to give people the benefit of the doubt, try to give some people grace, but you know, I also need to stay true within my boundaries and my communication efforts.

SPEAKER_01 19:20

You touched on that point too about like what's within my control. And I really find that one of the most surprising things about jujitsu is the sheer amount of times I'm failing. I fail nine times out of ten. Right now, I would imagine for the first decade that I train, I'm going to be losing far more times than I'm winning. And I would imagine even farther than that. What has jiu-jitsu taught you about that? We talk about ego and how as an adult, it's such a humbling experience to be. And honestly, I'll speak to myself bad at something again, but it's just because I'm inexperienced. What have you learned?

SPEAKER_00 19:56

So I think this was a really good one for me. I had a competition I did uh last year, I believe in July, and just the mindset of like losing, I had to really sit with it where I did this competition. I trained, let's say a couple months for it. I dropped a bunch of weight, uh like 20 pounds in two weeks. And I was really, really, really like just stuck on tunnel vision that like I have to win this, it has to mean something to me. And then, like two and a half minutes in, I get like rear naked choke, like it choked out and I had a tap. And I just completely like made me feel like vulnerable, like everybody's watching, everybody, you know, made the time, you know, see me train and then come to the competition. Like I felt so like defeated, but it I had no choice but to sit with that discomfort afterwards and to realize what am I really losing here? What it would have I gained from this loss? Because it's not really a loss to me. Like I lost 20 pounds in two weeks. That's insane. I've never ever thought I would ever do that in my whole life. I've always struggled with trying to lose weight and being in and out of the gym and just being able to like sign up for a competition was one of the goals I had. Worked with my coach and like I did two that year, and really, really proud of myself for even showing up and being vulnerable by putting myself out on the mat and like saying, Hey, look, I did something, wasn't great, but you know, I still did it. And I think there's a lot to be said with that, and it really helped me shift my mindset. And I think that was the biggest thing that it kind of switched up for me with my training is that I'm going to quote unquote lose, but it's how my mind my mind shift handles that.

SPEAKER_01 21:44

It is, like I said, as an adult, we have so many things at our in our arsenal at our disposal. If I don't want to walk to work, I can ride a bike, I can take a car. When something is challenging, I don't have to do it anymore. And coming back even after whatever feelings is it's gut wrenching and it's important and it hurts and it's something that just feels unnatural sometimes, but it is so important. When you get smashed on the mat and still come back the next day, do you think about your daughter? Is she watching you? What does that look like for you?

SPEAKER_00 22:23

She's definitely watching me, and I could even see it. She said it before that she is proud of me and she loves talking about me to her her friends in class. And then I don't know. Like I just, it's so funny because again, I don't do this sport for anybody else besides myself and my daughter, truly, because I am trying to impress my 10-year-old as much as I possibly can. Like just hoping that she's proud of me. But uh I do think she does watch and pays attention to how I handle the these losses. And she she gets upset for me. And I have to kind of have a moment to talk to her and tell her, hey, look, this is this is life. Like we win some and we lose some. But it's how we get back up from this, it's how we learn from this and grow from it. That I think that's the biggest thing. And you really look at we look at all the things here. And I said you see that mommy worked hard, mommy made an effort, but there's so much more that mommy has to learn. And that's the fun, that's the journey with this whole thing is that if someone were to go into a competition and they know everything, then I don't think that's really an exciting life where it's kind of boring if you know everything, right? Like what can we gain here? I think that's the journey, the beauty of it is the journey of the failing, right? The trying over and over again until one day it clicks. But I do think the in between is the most important concept of it, and it's really beautiful.

SPEAKER_01 23:57

I think that is so the in-between. When we were talking about what we were going this episode was going to be about, it came to me. I I can't remember if I was running, I was doing something very one-tracked, and all of a sudden it popped into my head. And I think I have three children, I have two boys and a girl, and life got real weird a couple of years ago, and I separated from their dad. And as a female in society, maybe as a married woman, I experienced some of these things too. I can only speak from the perspective I am now. But as a female, having to live life in new eyes, fresh world that will never be the same. At the end of the day, I can only rely on myself. And I think about my boys and what their lives will look like. And I think about my daughter, and I was, and you have a daughter as well. And I was thinking, these moms, what as a single woman going through this? We all have, I might have a partner, I might get married. I don't know what my future will look like. But yeah, I I never want to be responsible to have another man be in charge. I don't want to say in charge of me, but I don't want to be relying on that, and whether that's hyper-independence or not. I want my daughter to be able to stand on her own feet. I want her to find someone that's her equal. And so the idea of writing a letter to our daughter, uh, our daughter, um what would that look like? If your daughter listens to this someday when she's older, and in fact, it's so funny. I was telling my daughter about it, she's 16, and she's like, Can you send me the link? I'm like, girl, it's on Spotify where all my other ones are. No, she's like, I really want to listen to this one. Oh my gosh. My daughter. So if you if your daughter listens to this someday when she's older, what do you want her to know?

SPEAKER_00 25:43

Okay. I wrote this letter, and it's her name's Sasha, but I call it a letter to my Luna. My sweet Sasha, my Luna, my munchkin. If you ever listen to this when you're older, I want you to know something first. Everything I did, I did with love. Not perfectly, not flawlessly, but intentionally, and always with you in my mind. I don't just want to tell you how to move through life. I want to show you. I hope you learn that strength isn't about how much you can lift or how hard you can hit. It's a mindset. It's the ability to ask yourself, what is this teaching me? When life feels unfair, it's getting knocked down over and over again and choosing to stand back up anyway. That's the beauty of jujitsu. That's the beauty of life. It's messy, it's humbling, but there is so much growth in the struggle. I hope you understand that struggle is normal. It's not a sign that you're failing, it's a sign that you're living. Lean into those setbacks, get curious about the obstacles, do it scared, do it unsure, do it anyway. And when you fall, give yourself grace. But get back up. Most importantly, lean on your people, your friends, your cousins, your family, your community. You are never meant to do this life alone. There's no shame in asking for help. There's no weakness in being vulnerable with those who you trust. Feel your feelings, name them, understand them. That is power. I hope you know that mommy went through things in this lifetime that a child should never have to experience. But instead of letting those things harden me, I searched for healthy outlets. I found healing on the mat. I found clarity in training. I learned how to release anger and frustration in a way that made me stronger instead of bitter. And I didn't do it alone. I had a village, people who love you deeply, people who supported me so I can grow, and none of my training would have been possible without you. Sitting patiently while I was in class, getting my butt kicked again and again. Thank you for believing in me. Thank you for cheering for me. Thank you for being my reason to keep going. I have no regrets, not one. I hope you saw that your mother did not tolerate disrespect, that she stood firm in who she was, that she stood up for what was right, even if she was the only one in the room doing it. I hope you never tolerate less than what you deserve, not in friendships, not in love, not in work, not anywhere. As I watch you grow, I already see the young woman you're becoming fierce, brilliant, compassionate, strong. My goal was to always give you tools and opportunities I didn't have as a little girl. And you have that and more. Use them boldly. Be light, bring hope, inspire others by the way you live, not just by what you say. Remember watching me compete. Remember watching me on the mat. I never gave up. I stayed focused. I worked each move step by step. That's how you handle life too. One step at a time. You're always in my heart when I fought. I pushed because you were watching. You can't be grounded. You're my rock. And I hope you know this. Your mama has a whole lot of fight in her, just like Papa. And that fight, it lives in you too. Being a strong woman doesn't mean being hard. It means being rooted. It means having boundaries. It means loving deeply, but never abandoning yourself. It means falling and rising. It means choosing courage over comfort. It means walking in in integrity, even when it costs you. If I taught you anything, I hope it's this. You're capable, you are worthy, you are never alone. And when you come from women who fight with love, with courage, and with faith. You, my Luna, are the greatest gift I could ever give this world forever. Your mama.

SPEAKER_01 29:38

The declaration. Does that make sense? It is strong, it is purposeful, it's what we want for our daughters. I think we live in such a time these days where the world can feel very scary, and yet we still have to keep living. And we don't know where we're gonna find ourselves, and sometimes safe spaces aren't. And being able to decide I am worthy to take up space, I know I don't have to put up with this just because on the surface it seems like I should be okay here and I'm not. That's good enough reason to say this isn't right for me.

SPEAKER_00 30:21

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And there's so much to learn, right? Like, I'm barely a year and a half into this. Like, I'm so humbled and honored to be across the mat with some amazing people that have taught me a lot of the sport, the beauty of it, and it's really deeper than I can imagine in terms of community and people that have really, really been there for me and have my back, and especially through, you know, personal life like like loss, you know, losing a parent and stuff like that. And just, you know, people not just like being surface level of like, okay, we're training on the map, but like, you know, if I'm there, I've had my training partners who are men will ask me, Hey, how's Sasha doing? Oh, where's Sasha? You know, like genuinely concerned. So I really do appreciate that. And those that have been there for me throughout this whole journey, and I'm so excited to see where it's even headed at this point because it's only the beginning.

SPEAKER_01 31:16

Did it take you a while to find your gym, your home? Or was it the first one you went to? Was it the one your cousin was at? How did that work out?

SPEAKER_00 31:24

Yeah, so my cousin, it's the gym that my cousin trains at, it's his home gym, and um, he has some pretty amazing friends. So I just I'm like right under my cousin's wing. And so wherever he goes, I go, and I've it's it hasn't led me astray, it hasn't led me in the wrong direction. And so that's kind of how I moved. And I've made really, really amazing people that I consider um like chosen family that have really come through for me. So I'm really honored and blessed to have those people in my life because of my cousin and yeah, the gym, Tillis. Shout out to Noah Tillis for taking me under his wing and the whole gym, really. It's an amazing community to be a part of.

SPEAKER_01 32:05

I was talking with my boyfriend yesterday. We each went to different gyms to train. Um, I've been, I had to hop around because of life and schedules and moving, and it's really hard to find a place where you feel safe. He was talking about taking class, and there was a female that was in, we have like a women's class at the other gym, and then followed by like a white white ball foundation class, and then as well as an advanced class at the same time. So she had taken the first class and then she went to the second one, and there was it's mixed gender for the second two, and trying to find somebody to roll with, and like the sheer bravery to go to these classes where she doesn't know anyone. I feel like there's a safety built in for the most part. I can't say it's 100% sure, but like when there's other women around, I'll be your buddy, I'll work with you, I'll show you the rooks. And she was jumping in where she didn't have any friends in the class, and I don't think I could have been that brave to jump in and ask an upper belt to roll with. And he said he reached out to her. He saw her standing there. He's like, Do you want to get a role in? Do you want to do some technique? Yeah, and I appreciated that he reached out to her and he was like, you know, I really felt for her because that putting yourself out there is gosh, it's insane.

SPEAKER_00 33:21

It's it's really intimidating, right? And I I really try to make sure that if I see see like new women, new faces, that to make sure that they feel welcomed and that, you know, kudos for showing up because that's half the battle is just showing up and you know, and I I really let them know that I'm not here to like smash and like like just you know, dominate because if they'll see me go against the guys, like it's gonna be different and who I train with, right? And who I feel comfortable with and and communicating, like, hey, kind of really want to lean into this more and this technique, and they're like, go for it. But yeah, so like that's awesome. I really do think that's really important, and that's a big kind of like an undertone, because even still I'll find myself where I'm kind of left and I don't have anybody to roll with, and then I just kind of sit with it, and me personally, because I've been, you know, doing this at least for over a year, I'll kind of just think about okay, I can't really take those things personally, and to just realize that, like, okay, maybe things are happening for a reason. And then for me to actually challenge myself to be more vocal and being like, hey, would you like to roll? You know, and because it's intimidating, and I can't just sit back and and like wait for somebody to ask me. And so I wanted to be, you know, to try to lean into like going outside of my comfort zone and asking people, hey, would you like to roll? So I think it just depends. But yeah, I definitely for the new women faces, I definitely try to like be the one to make sure that they feel welcomed and like, hey, I'm here to to help if they want to train.

SPEAKER_01 34:58

So when I was marathon training, I I've done some, and I was running by some pasters once, and they talked about how you're passing, you know, all the spectators at the end, and everyone's cheering for you. And he made the point to say that we are stewards of the sport. When we are passing, if you're like dragging and I I cry, but that's like it, it's usually like happy tears guy. But and that's a whole other story. But like I'm showing all of them how do I look at the end of the race? Because if I go through and I look like I'm going to perish in front of them, they're like, I'm not doing that, but I like rile the crowd up and I yell and I like dance around because it's a celebration. I find on the mats, I don't need to like be a cheerleader, but I need to carry myself. I need to show confidence, but not ego. Like I take up space. Well, I can be a good partner, I can be humble, I can be respectful, I can be funny, I can be flexible, I can be curious. I'm showing I'm doing I'm showing up for the other women, but I'm also showing men, I'm not scared to be here. It's okay to ask a woman to roll with them. I have a chance to say no, just as they would to me, but I think it's so important that we walk the walk. I want to feel comfortable, I want them to feel comfortable.

SPEAKER_00 36:23

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because we don't know what people on the other side of like not asking, or like not even who who knows if they're even thinking or considering, like, oh, like that they're not picking that one person that is left out of the like things just happen, you know. So that's where I really try to find that fine line of like not trying to take your personal, but also leaning into what can I do, what's within my control, because that's outside of my control, and just observe and just watch and then just keep an eye for like okay, that person I liked how they're rolling. Maybe I can go to them and ask them, hey, I really liked what you did there. Do you mind if I roll with you? And like, you know, just taking that next step moving forward. But uh it does, it is uh nerve-wracking when you're like by yourself and you don't know anybody in the class.

SPEAKER_01 37:07

It is, it is, and also like maybe if I just go in there and make a complete bull of myself, I'm like, well, we probably won't get the same mix that people hear again it the same way. So oh well, everyone will forget this because something was always funny happening or whatever. And oh yeah, we have all had a bad day on the mats, and so if I'm the one that feels rough or I got injured in class, and so like things happen, right? You like stick around for the drill part, and then I'm like, peace, and I just didn't do any of the rolling at the end. I don't make a big deal about it, I don't stomp off the mat. I bow out, I scoot out the door, and yeah, it's fine. I need to fight another day.

SPEAKER_00 37:47

Yeah, and I think it's the funniest thing is that some of my teammates, like half half of the time we're just cracking jokes and like not taking it that seriously. Then we're like, okay, okay, we gotta train, we gotta train. Like that's enough. But like that's that's the beauty of it. That's that's medicine for me because it's like you come from like a stressful day or a stressful week of like real life situations, and then you just have your buddies on the mat and you're cracking jokes, and you know, all good fun. And it's just it doesn't have to be that serious, it really doesn't, and it's the beauty of the the funny in between, and and like some of that stuff, like the silliness sticks to me in like certain moves and techniques and stuff. It's like, oh yeah, that one and that one. So, like I just think that's that's an interesting component of it too.

SPEAKER_01 38:32

I was um I like I like matching energy. If someone comes in, they're like, Oh, I kind of hurt my back, I want a flow roll. And then I realized their flow roll is so much harder than mine, but I'm glad they're not trying to like murder me on the mats. But like sometimes it really is a very easy give and take. You're like, I'm like, oh, oh, oh, move in the day, do it, do it, do it. And then they like learn how to work through. I was working with actually, I met the gal, I met her at the women's event. Or I met you too, and I invited her, as I showed you on Sunday morning. There's like a women's clinic type of class. So I haven't rolled with this gal in a couple months, and even then it was very like loose. It was like those videos of like, you have you seen them where the skiers they'll microphone the children going down and they're just like wee, and they make up all these little songs. Working with my friend, she was like narrating all the stuff that she was gonna do because she's normally a no-gee girl, and she was in key. She's like, Oh, wait, I can use cribs. Oh, that's not gonna work. And she was like, Come on, me, get get in the picture, and it was really funny. I'm like, I love rolling with someone that's saying everything they're doing, it makes my job a lot easier. And it was just a very silly one, and yeah, you cartwheel over them, and it's it's how it's it's nice because that's how kids learn. Like, I see my little people at school. Play-based learning is way better than having them just sit there and write sentence after sentence.

SPEAKER_00 39:57

Yeah, that's the beauty of it. Some of the moves that I do, I feel like I'm I'm like my daughter, like when she was a toddler, right? Like some of this, it feels very playful, and some of it's not very intimidating. Like the people outside looking in um don't realize like it it can be fun and it can be silly and playful in the safest way possible, too. That from my own experience, at least I could speak on that, you know, that's really helped me kind of tap into that childlike state mind and to be open and vulnerable and to just be curious and to continue learning and growing with this. I don't know when one day it took me like seven months, I believe, like uh getting like just having to tap out constantly, getting dominated, like ah, I got I keep getting my butt kicked and it keep it's not sticking. It took seven months I felt like that confidently. I'm like, okay, now I think I know what to do on the defense side of things and how to try to do offense now.

SPEAKER_01 40:50

So yeah, it's really beautiful. It's interesting also having that education background. They say retention, one, and if you can teach it to somebody else, it's one of the show the highest level of understanding. But retention of information when it's done in a play-based learning situation and is much higher than it is during a serious one. And also knowing that when you are in fight or flight, like if I have a very diverse group of students that come to me, and if they have come from a very chaotic, unstable household, they come to school for safety. It's really interesting, the body will shut down. Like if it's really scary and really stressful, they stop physically growing. Their capacity for intellectual and growth really stalls because they're in survival mode. And so those kids come to me, I keep them safe. My expectations look very different because I am not going to force them to learn their ABCs when they're worried about who's gonna pick them up and whether they have food at home. So the same thing as an adult. When I'm scared, I can't learn new things. I'm just surviving. And so I have to, now that I'm adult, I need to help be, I am a willing participant in creating my safety. And I choose where I am, who I'm with, how I present, what I show to the world. It's big, but I can do it because it's worth it.

SPEAKER_00 42:15

Yeah, it's inspiring and it's impactful. I really do think that, and like it's infectious energy when you see other women on the mat, higher belts, uh, black belts. It's like that means something to me. Like seeing a woman and dedicating a good portion of her life, years, and you know, into getting that belt, or like it's not just the belt, it's the journey that you can imagine, only imagine of what it what it took to get to that that level. And I and even still, in most cases, I've seen like majority of the time they're humble, so incredibly humble. And I I do think that's really awesome to see that and very even more inspiring.

SPEAKER_01 43:01

I think when I think the idea came to me the other day, I was going over in my head all of the different guests I've had before, and really all the women I've met in jujitsu. And I was trying to think, I am such an analogy thinker, and it came to me that they're all like seashells that I've collected and I've gotten to know. And each one is so different than the next, even if they're the same type, there's nuances. They've been chipped from where they're bigger, they're smaller. They are you they may look one way on the outside, you flip them over and they shine, they're delicate, they're fragile, they're sturdy. Each one is equally beautiful and unique and special and like what they bring to that. And you're right, just like and black belts and all the colored belts, we come in every shape and size. And their journey is very specific to them, but it gives me a space to allow myself to be just as unique. I can do things the way I need to to be successful because they. They too have led the way.

SPEAKER_00 44:01

Yeah. Yeah. It's really, it's really awesome to see. And it's really inspiring. Like I said, I and I only could hope that I don't, like I said, I don't have a lot of control of these this thing with life, but there's some things I do have control, and I try to be a voice and in inspiring others and especially single moms being one and um being a Matina in Jiu Jitsu as well. I I do have to, you know, vocalize that. I I do think there's a lot of different nuances, and everyone has a story, right? Every woman has a journey in jujitsu space, and I am just very honored to share mine and just you know give a little vulnerability. And I really truly hope it touches somebody, whoever's listening to this, like across the world, which I saw, you know, so many people listening all over. That's really that's uh it's amazing, Emily. What you're doing is truly it's amazing. And I really, really want to thank you for the opportunity.

SPEAKER_01 44:59

I think well, thank you for being I I listen back and I oftentimes get so wrapped up and trying to focus. I forget to say thank you. So thank you for that. I appreciate really the kind words from everyone. I do it because I each week the episodes go live. I listen along because I forget what's been talked about. And so I do it for me. And the idea that other people could listen is very humbling because I'm like, why? There's a someone in Texas that's listened to all my episodes, and I don't have any connection to this person, and I am wildly curious how they found it and why they listened. Or but everyone has such a beautiful story, and I hope to hear all of them truly, because I like the idea that someone may hear one day and say, I didn't think I could because, but this person showed me I could. So I'm gonna try because I heard Janelle. I can relate to her story, I can relate to Tori's, I can maybe I want to meet Tori one day. Maybe I want to meet Olivia. So there's all these people that are just really cool seashells. And hopefully the nice part is I the pool of people that want to talk is growing and expanding. I was worried for a little while I was gonna run out of people, and now I can't, I have to slow down. I have too many, many people to talk to.

SPEAKER_00 46:19

Oh my god, that's an that's an amazing issue to have. It's amazing.

SPEAKER_01 46:24

Also, why else would people sit down and talk to me for an hour? I just like find them online and like, will you talk to me about all of your ins and outs of life, even though you don't know me? And they're like, sure. And like, well, that's cool. I would not have had that excuse before.

SPEAKER_00 46:39

I had just a moment too, like just with my journey with jujitsu, and like something I think is really important, me in particular, like just you know, it's unfortunate, but I've I can't speak on other people's experiences. I could only speak on mine. And and another component of jujitsu is like wanting to feel safe and like take my power back. And unfortunately being in positions where I've had to fight grown men, and you know, being feeling the fight or flight safety feeling and never wanting my daughter to ever experience that or have to go through through that. And and you know, it's it's hard because as an adult, I want to feel that I have that power back or that I can have that control, and it can be triggering in the beginning. Initially, it was kind of triggering to be around a grown man on top of me in these vulnerable positions, and it was kind of scary, and they don't realize that they don't know what's going on, but it's something internally I was navigating and working through and having therapy and stuff like that. And I I told my therapist, I said, you know, these men don't realize how truly grateful I am for them because it's like it unlocked a new thing of like my mindset that was geared towards men and safety and having that opportunity to be vulnerable and to trust them in this platonic light, and that's what it is is platonic and truly feel like they're giving me their trust in return that I'm also not gonna hurt them like that physically either, you know, because it it's a give and take thing, and um I really am grateful and to to be around them and to have that community of men that are also being vulnerable with me, too. So I I really do think that's a beautiful component within jujitsu that I don't think enough people talk about because it's a very like I feel like it's a very touchy subject.

SPEAKER_01 48:35

Sure. It's we bring more to the mat than just to our physical beings. We bring our history along. And so every time we're on the mat, it's a new opportunity to be brave, step out of our comfort zone to trust. And so I've heard people say that they, you know, they think they're opponent at a match, the competition, because if that person wasn't there, they wouldn't have anyone to fight. And so we don't even have to say that for a competition. That's really anytime training.

SPEAKER_00 49:08

Yeah, it's a it's a big, big help, and people being willing to literally um put themselves out there to somebody that they don't know and how well they are in training and stuff, and especially the beginner too. I have huge respect for higher belts that are open to training with me. And when I was starting out as a white belt, you know, you know, the whole spazzy white belt, like the ideology, right? Yeah, so it gets it sucks to have that stigma and sometimes as a white belt, but then I'm also like, okay, I do everything in my power to not be that spazzy white belt and to be super mindful and to be very conscious with my partner and communicative. So I do think there's something to be said about that too. I am so grateful for Higher Belt to take the time and energy and the risk for partnering up with me in the beginning when I didn't know anything.

SPEAKER_01 49:59

So the amount of times I'd like to need someone in nether regions or like even needed the face happens far more often, like than I would think, either to the nose, under the chin. Yeah, and you're like, I am so sorry. I didn't think my leg was gonna go there. It's sorry about that.

SPEAKER_00 50:18

Oh my god, yes, yes, no, I I truly I I am so grateful for all my my guy friends, my teammates, they're the real ones.

SPEAKER_01 50:30

And even the girls, there was one move we did once, and it caught us off guard, and then we cackled, we were dying, and then we're like, oh fluke, and then it happened again, and the poor coach had no idea what to make of it because he had he's like, I don't, I'm not saying anything. He just like buttons up and we're just like giggle, giggle, giggle, giggle. Okay, let's work it out so it doesn't feel so yeah, wild, but yeah, we had space to do so. That's awesome. Well, I love your training journey, and what do you see in your future?

SPEAKER_00 51:00

More more jujitsu, more training. I don't know, more people out there to discover. I really do. I'm so happy to have met, you know, people like you, Emily, um, other people in the jujitsu world, other women. I'm definitely excited to to just venture out and see what's out there. I hope in the future, um, some competitions, not not anytime soon right now. I'm just trying to like get it get into the speed of things with life and different life changes and stuff like that. But I definitely just the consistency keeps showing up, but the same thing they've been implementing is to continue. I still do weightlifting at the gym, and I'm definitely leaning into more of that with jujitsu, and that's been a really like empowering thing for me for my body. So I'm really excited about it.

SPEAKER_01 51:47

I love the idea of balance. Like I am 44, I'm not going to be a pro fighter one day. So jujitsu is a part of me, it's not all of me, but I'm finding that balance between being a mom and working and running and lifting and jujitsu and a social life. It's a little it's a balance, but it's worth it. And also I think it speaks for the longevity. I think if I did this only for five hours a day, six days a week, I would burn out pretty quick or injure myself into the ground.

SPEAKER_00 52:18

Yeah, definitely a balance for sure. And it's done so much for my mental health, so that's why I'm gonna continue leaning into it. And I've been pretty consistent for a good while. And like, yeah, I'm like, I'm gonna continue doing it until I can.

SPEAKER_01 52:33

I love it. I love that story.

SPEAKER_00 52:36

Well, thank you, Janelle, for talking with me today. It's been just a pleasure. No, I had so much fun, Emily. Thank you so much. You're more than welcome to invite me back. I'm more than happy to talk on two of us. It's really fun.

SPEAKER_01 52:49

I've had that happen often where guests were like, this is so fun. I could talk some more. And like, I need a part two.

SPEAKER_00 52:56

Yeah, it's been oh my god, I'm just so excited. It's it's been really awesome. And just to reflect back, so yeah, thank you for letting me share. I'm really, really excited to see. I hope I hope it uh touches someone's heart and that they are not alone and to just be comfortable with being uncomfortable. So just give it a try. I love it.

SPEAKER_01 53:16

This week's shout-out goes out to all my seashells. Thank you, everyone, in my jujitsu journey that I've gotten a chance to sit down and talk, whether on the podcast or in between roles or at seminars. Y'all are beautiful and unique and special. So you have homework this week, everyone. I want you to reach out to your seashells. They don't just have to be your jujitsu folk, they can be anyone in your life that's beautiful and remarkable and inspiring and unique. We are graced with a very short time on this earth, and we need to reach out to the beauty around us and create more beauty. So thank you, Seashells. I hope to discover more of you. A giant, fantastic thank you to my friend Janelle. I appreciate her honesty. I appreciate her story. I know she will inspire so many. She her her attitude is one that is a doer. She gets things done and so relatable. So I hope that her story spoke to you. And feel free to share it. There are lots of people out there that could hear Janelle or any of her episode stories. So thank you for joining me for today's episode of Emily's Pajama Party. Until next time, stay cozy and hope to see you at the next party.