EPP: Meet Connie (Where Behavior and Jiujitsu and Life Collide)

In the world of Jiu-Jitsu, understanding the psychology behind movements and reactions can elevate your game significantly. During a recent conversation with Connie, a board-certified behavior analyst and passionate Jiu-Jitsu practitioner, we explored how behavior analysis intertwines with martial arts. Whether you’re a seasoned grappler or just starting, these insights can help you master not only your techniques but also your mindset.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:05

Hi everyone, welcome to Emily's Pajama Party. I'm your host, Emily, and I'm so glad you're here. If this is your first time, welcome. And if you're returning, thanks for coming back. Join me for the next hour-ish or so as I talk all things jujitsu. It's gonna be a great one today. Each week I learn about different ways and strategies that I can be a better grappler. Today I'll be talking about how defense is a skill and not an identity. Being hard to submit is definitely a superpower. When learning to defend yourself, those late stage escapes, hand fighting, survival timing, all of those things are critical. When people can't finish the submission, they get tired. And then when they get tired, you attack. Sometimes I bail really early because I don't want to be a hero. I don't want to get injured. But I'm stopping myself from learning opportunities, especially when I'm in a safe location. So this week I need to remember to let myself sit in the discomfort, not necessarily the physical discomfort, but the mental discomfort of being stuck and seeing what I can do to get out of it. It will make me stronger in the long run. This week I'm thrilled to have my friend Connie on the show. I found her on Instagram under the handle behavioral grappler, and I will really let her take it from there. Two of my most favorite things talked about in this episode. I can't wait for us all to listen to it. Connie, thank you so much for joining me on the podcast.

SPEAKER_00 1:29

Yes, I'm so excited to be here. It's my first one, so it's fun to get to talk about like all my favorite things with everyone. So I'm super pumped.

SPEAKER_01 1:37

Yay! So, Connie, if people didn't know you outside of jujitsu or like the online community, how do you describe yourself?

SPEAKER_00 1:44

I would describe myself as somebody who is a go-getter. I love to set goals, I love to achieve goals, I love to constantly be working towards things. And so I love behavior analysis, I love everything. I'm not, I just I'm like a pretty fun, open person. So I don't feel like there's like a set place that I belong just because I feel like I'm pretty open-minded and love to talk about anything and everything.

SPEAKER_01 2:08

There's a quote, I was listening to the Huberman podcast, and he had Esther Perel on, and he was talking about a line that really resonated with me was curiosity is active engagement in the unknown. Yes, I love that. And I'm always like, tell me more. Your eyes are lighting up when you talk about it. I know nothing about it, but you're really excited. So I want to know everything. And sometimes I understand, sometimes I don't, but it's really interesting to see what everybody kind of focuses on. Oh, yeah, for sure. So you talk about behavior work, and if I don't know if you've listened to the podcast or all, like at all, but this is our first time kind of meeting in person. And my background in the school system, I was especially a teacher for half my career, and just knowing so much about ABA and functions of behavior, how did you get into that? Because I I explained a little bit on the show, but really I nerd out on that topic.

SPEAKER_00 3:03

So it actually, I honestly stumbled into ABA. So when I was in high school, I really wanted to be a child psychologist and work with kids who had severe trauma. And then when I was in college, I ended up naming for a family who had a daughter with Down syndrome. And the more I got to like hang out with her and be around her, I kind of thought, I really like this. Like I think I want to switch to special education. And so I changed, I was already a year or two in my psych program. We decided to go ahead and minor in psychology, switch to special education. And then my lab partner said, Hey, I'm a registered behavior technician for this clinic that works with kids with autism. I think it'd be great for you to have that experience under your belt before you go teach in a special ed class. And I said, you know what? That sounds like a good idea. And so I applied, got the job, cried my eyes out when I had to tell my family that I was working for that I had to leave to go move on to something that would be more towards my career. And then while I was a registered behavior technician working in the field, I was also simultaneously teaching in classrooms. And once I got a taste of private practice and seeing that I had all the resources that I need to be successful, I had all the tools in my toolbox. Because as even as a special edge major, you don't get training in behavior in college, which is crazy to me because your whole job is dealing with kids who have like developmental delays, who have some behavioral and emotional challenges, but you don't get good training on how to actually respond to those things. And so I felt like in private practice that I was actually going to have everything that I need to help families make a difference in their lives because there's also this big emphasis in parent training, which is one of my favorite parts of the job, is helping parents understand how their own behavior actually impacts their child's development and the skills that they acquire. And there, for me, there wasn't a comparison between public education where you don't have any of that training, you don't have any of that support. There's so much red tape in terms of like what you have access to, what you can do. And so getting that in private practice for me, I was like, this is this is it. This is that blend of psychology and education with or working with kids that have disabilities. Like, this is the niche I really want to be in. And so I went ahead and finished out my track in special education, just so I had the that experience too. And then I immediately turned around and got my master's degree in applied behavior analysis and then became a board certified behavior analyst. So that's kind of how that's my little spiel of falling into behavior analysis.

SPEAKER_01 5:36

And I have to remember not to speak an acronym. So, like when I said AVA earlier, I was like, oh, I forgot that not everybody knows what that is. And so I'm glad that you explained it in universal terms because sometimes I just get in my little world, just as in jujitsu, someone will talk about like something very specific to like a tenth planet style or even a move. And I'm like, I don't, I don't actually know what that is, and I can I fake my way through it. Sometimes I can, but sometimes I can't.

SPEAKER_02 6:07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 6:08

So and this is I would love just to like even go into that more because I found that once I have two parts of this. Like, remember, it's a jujitsu podcast. There's to keep that in my brain, but also the things that I learned. So when I you're right, like I went to school and I had one summer school class where we were training, like we were looking at function of behavior. So why do we do what we do? And how does like we did we worked with one student and we kind of modified it, changed, but it was very it's not very real-worldly because I was coming in as a stranger. I had like to work with him for maybe 10 hours, blah, blah, blah. But really, it was on-site training when I had children with some extreme behaviors that I had specialists come in and you start looking at why are we doing what we do? And I think once I learned that's kind of the universal thing, it's why do plants do what they do? Why do dogs do what they do? Why do spouses do what they do? And there's once we understand that, it really opens up how we can help change, shape, modify behavior. And when I saw you on Instagram and you were the behavioral grappler, I'm like, oh my gosh, how can you use those philosophies and apply it to jujitsu? My brain just about broke because I was really excited to hear that connection. Because our behavior is something that was triggered by something else. And then we did the said behavior to either get something or get away from something. And I'm like, that is jujitsu in essence. So before we get to that, how did you find yourself in jiu-jitsu? Because that's not always a path that I find a ton of educators taking or people that work with behavior.

SPEAKER_00 7:52

Yeah, so I kind of jujitsu and I, jujitsu and I had this kind of back and forth relationship for a little bit. I'll probably share some, I'll obviously share some of my personal life because my reinforcement history and my history of the behaviors that I had engaged in previously have like obviously got me to where I am today. So my um, I'm divorced. My ex-husband actually did jujitsu, and he asked me to go and try a class, and I tried it and I liked it, but I I my ex-husband and I were also having problems that time. So it's like I liked it, but I did not like going with him. Does that make sense? And uh more than you know, my friend. More than you know. So it's it sounds like weird when you say it out loud, but then you have to, it's but people it it you know what I mean. And so I trained for about three or four months, and then we ended up moving for his job from Texas to Louisiana. There wasn't really a convenient place for us to train in Louisiana. I lived 20 or 30 minutes away from where I worked. The gym was down the street from where I worked, but then it was still 20 or 30 minutes away from where I lived. And so I was working a lot. My son's daycare was in the opposite direction of where I worked, and so it I was commuting so much everywhere that it wasn't it wasn't gonna work. We ended up getting divorced a year later, and so I moved back home. And then I was like, you know, I might as well just go ahead and give it a try. Like now that it's just me, maybe I can just go back and try it by myself. And then when I got to go and actually experience something for myself by myself, that's when I really fell in love with jujitsu because I got to make it my own. So much of my life before was like nothing was ever mine. It was like mine and my ex-husband's, or everything we did, like I was basically a shadow. You know what I mean? Like he he had he has such a he had such a big or has such a big personality, and like I was very meek and mild, and so I just kind of followed suit. And so this was one of the very first things that I got to go and make my own and enjoy it as my own. And when you're coming from a place too of feeling like you don't have any control or power in your life, and then you start something like jujitsu, and you realize, oh my gosh, I have the potential to be so much stronger and so much more capable than I've ever felt myself, felt like I could be. Like that's where jujitsu came into my life because it helped rebuild my levels of confidence, my self-esteem, um, the belief in myself that I can actually do hard things. That's where it kind of fell into place for me and how I got started in jujitsu. So we had a little bit of back and forth in the beginning, but now I've consistently been training for almost two and a half years. So I got back into it at the very beginning of 2024. So I did not realize it was gonna be a therapy session.

SPEAKER_01 10:47

So here I think you speak to a story that so many women feel to say that I don't want to say predominantly I have like a mom audience, but women in jujitsu, there are like the roles that we play, and so there are a fair amount of moms and spouses, and how we enter jujitsu and then what we get from it can be very different, and it that empowerment because really no one can be like puppeting your limbs for you. Like once you're on the mat, it is what what you are made out of your struggles, your triumphs, the grit that what you do to push yourself, and that it's more than just a sport, like it really is touching so many parts of our lives, and you're right, that grit and struggle, but also that it's for me and getting to see my hard work and see where that comes. That's awesome. Well, I'm glad that you found such I don't want to say you found yourself on the mat, it sounds like.

SPEAKER_00 11:47

Yeah, pretty much. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 11:49

I've heard like I have a guest coming up in a bit, and it was talking about kind of like how jujitsu saved your life. And I don't know if I would go to that extreme, but there's a part of like what I felt I was slowly disappearing, and I knew that if I didn't change my life, I was just gonna become invisible. And now that I have the space to shine, it's like it's it's really exciting and get into it. Okay, yeah so now did you there comes that cross-section, right? That your work life and then the jujitsu mats, how did they find each other? And maybe we talked a little bit about function of behavior. Do you want to explain a little bit about that and then how we can apply that to jujitsu?

SPEAKER_00 12:30

Yeah, so essentially functions of behavior are the reasons why we do what we do. I tell people that people do things for primarily two reasons, and then there's four categories under there under those two reasons as to why we do what we do. So, first of all, we all we engage in behavior that helps us get the things that we want and get out of the things we don't want to do. So if you're to look at your life, you are either working to actively get something or you are actively working to avoid something. So those are the two big motivators for why we do what we do. But there's kind of four different subcategories in there. So I it's it's not that complicated, but it sounds like a lot. So the acronym that we use is SEET. So that kind of helps us break it all down. So the first one is sensory. So we just do things because they feel good. Uh, this could be like popping your knuckles, twirling your hair, whenever you bounce your knee up and down to self-regulate, uh, biting your nails, all those things that just feel innately good that don't require another person to make us feel good, that falls into that sensory category. You also have escape, which this is doing things to avoid things you don't want to do. So avoiding things that are hard, avoiding things that are stressful, avoiding things that make us anxious, or it could be even something as simple as, man, I really have a headache. I'm gonna take a Tylenol to escape the feeling of this headache. So anything that is happening that we don't like, we engage in behavior to move away from whatever it is that might be. The third one is attention, which is pretty self-explanatory, is that people are social beings. And so we crave attention from other people. Uh, what people don't realize is that attention is attention, whether it's good or bad. And so people can be seeking positive attention from other people. However, if you think of like maybe some not great content creators or people, like people who benefit off of being just awful people, they don't care that it's negative attention. They're still getting that need met because somebody is attending to their behavior. And then you have access to tangibles. So this is doing something to get like a tangible item. The classic example that we use is like wanting to play on your iPad, wanting to like play a game, wanting to listen to music, things like that. So just engaging in behavior or saving your money to purchase like a the new Nintendo Switch 2, right? Like engaging in behavior that helps us access the things that we really, really want. So you have sensory, escape, attention, and tangible.

SPEAKER_01 14:54

Because this is always running through your head. I always like to when I'm talking about those, and first of all, I feel like I want to answer and get a gold star because I know what she's talking about. But I think the general population doesn't necessarily think about this because it's just integrated into our lives and we learn socially appropriate behaviors. Like I think now, as I'm listening to you, I find myself often I'll twirl and untwirl like the strap or to the headphones, like on my finger. Or it's like I'm pushing the skin up on my nails. That's like one of the other ones that I do, and that's like that's sensory feedback and I love those things. I'm curious your lens of how that shows up on the mat. And I can think of the very minute someone walks into the gym, how they carry themselves, what they are showing, what they are getting from that, and also the behaviors. Do you can you turn that off when you're training and just think about jujitsu, or are you always like ticker-take being your way through the day?

SPEAKER_00 15:47

When I get to the mats, I can usually turn it off because I think too, I spend so much of my day like analyzing behavior, my own, other people's. I do it for work, I do it in my house, right? Like when you're raising kids, raising kids is all about using ABA on them if you're if to be able to do it well. And so when I get to the mats, that's my place where I can just like, oh my gosh, turn my brain off. But I think there is the I there's the behavior analytic analytic prep that I do in my head prior to getting on the mat, if that makes sense. It's like, okay, here's here's the things that I want to do today. So it's like I almost have my antecedent interventions, like the things I'm doing before I get on the mat to like prep myself to make sure I have a good training session. So for things like open mat, it's like, okay, I'm going to try and do these three things today because I know these three things are the things that I really struggle with. So I'm intentionally going in with a purpose, not just like, ooh, it's open mat. I'm gonna go roll and have a great time, because there's always areas that I want to be skill building. And so if I can do that mental work on the front end saying, okay, this is my game plan for tonight. Here's the things I'm going to work on. Then I have a plan going in. So I don't have to automatically default to a reaction, which is why like I love the prep is that because then you get to open mat and you're just like, oh my gosh, I'm just here. I don't know what I'm supposed to do, I don't know what I'm doing. I'm just here to have a good time. And then you just spend so much time in reaction. And I don't like to be in reaction mode just because of like my own anxiety. I need that antecedent intervention, that work done on the front end to not feel like I'm just an open mat constantly reacting, if that makes sense.

SPEAKER_01 17:22

Totally. And I think for me, all that I can do in order to create like the best sensory experience. Like, so I'm mostly in the zone. Like for me, double braiding my hair is one of the best things I can do for myself. Otherwise, if I'm running late, I'm like hitting on the mat and I'll start off with like a low bun that's in the ponytail, and I have four rubber bands. And then after the first technique practice, I'm like, oh, my hair's bugging me. So then it's like a high one, and then I try to do a swirl. And then uh the third one that you'll see me like 10 minutes later, and I've like double pigtails because and then I'm not listening to the coach because I'm just like trying to figure out what to do with my hair, and like what a little thing, but I can set myself up for success because I have one less distraction. Yes. That could even be like maybe the rash guard that you pick versus not, or like I should wear this ghee because I haven't worn it in a while and I spent money on it, but it's it's like double line thick and it's not gonna make me comfortable. And I'm gonna think of just how hot I am the whole time. Just stick with the one that you was your go-to, even if you wear the same one every single time. I mean, trash, but just like setting yourself up for success. Yeah, exactly.

SPEAKER_00 18:31

All of those, that's why I live by you should always live in prevention rather than reaction. And I I and that's what people miss, even outside of jujitsu. I'm gonna, I'm also on my behavior analysis like nerd out time. And I know this is a jujitsu podcast, so I'm gonna try and stay on topic, but that's why like an a scene interventions, that prevention is so beneficial. And I think that's where a lot of people end up so stressed and anxious, is that they don't understand how important the prevention part is, and then they're just living a life of reaction. And so, like you said, like, oh my gosh, if I do my hair, that's my little prevention for helping me be able to stay on task during class. A lot of people don't engage in prevention strategies, so they just live in reaction, which is why I think we have a whole group of people who are just like stressed and burnt out. And it's because they're constantly reacting to just life rather than preventing some things that they could. I mean, you know what I mean? Does that make sense?

SPEAKER_01 19:28

Oh, absolutely. And I find that I start looking for holes in my own, like I'm such a creature of habit in so many ways that I know I am like a goldfish. I grow it at the size of my bowl. When I walk through my house, I had like gingerbread, like Hansel and Gretel my way. I drop everything. And so I know that if I have a jujitsu bag packed in both cars, I don't have to worry, oh, last minute making sure I grab it, or I have an extra like um refillable water bottle because inevitably I'm thirsty on the way home. I take it out of my bag, I don't put it away because who would do that while they're driving? And then I get to class the next time and I'm like, oh no, I don't have a water bottle. But if I keep at least one hard one in each car or wherever I am, it's that's gonna set me up for success. And I think what I notice because I work with four and five-year-olds, I have to be cognizant of I just talk my way through my day. I think the funny part about it is that people don't see prevention in real time because it looks like you don't see any of the problems that could have happened. Right. And so they don't see the prep work that goes in to make sure that happens. So it looks like, oh, they just never have problems arise. I'm like, oh no, I have 47 problems because I'm a mess.

SPEAKER_00 20:44

I got lots of problems.

SPEAKER_01 20:46

And it's so funny, like I can talk about that all day, or like then I also notice my own escape behavior. I have so many, like, I'm such an overthinker and I'm a people pleaser, and all of those things. And I know I do a lot of escape behavior so that I I can avoid putting myself in situations where I'm gonna let someone down. So sometimes I can I used to take biancho lessons and I was really chatty, and the um instructor was super chatty, and I knew if I could chat my way out of playing in front of him, I wouldn't have to sweat so much, but also I was not getting better because I was spending 45 minutes of a lesson talking. And then I just paid for someone to talk with me. And that I I talk enough. I don't know if I need to pay someone for that one, but I had to, I had at some point I had to come to myself and say, if I want to get better, I need to do it more. What are the steps? What how am I distracting myself? Oh, that's the case. So, like when I sit down to roll with a partner, sometimes I want to be with my yappy friends, but also I know that I'm not going to train as hard because I'm nervous. But if I'm nervous, I'm not going to put in the effort. And it's like that self fulfilling prof prophecy that's gonna keep happening.

SPEAKER_00 21:56

And that's what I love about kind of to bring it back to jujitsu. That's what I love about jujitsu. Jitsu too is that it, and that's another thing I've noticed too, is that people don't like to do things that are hard. And I think we've kind of like strayed away a little bit from like having hard conversations, doing hard things because of how much life reinforces and rewards immediate relief or immediate immediate relief, immediate reward. Like all we get all of that so quickly now in almost every area of our life that I feel like we almost have an issue with doing things that are hard. And in jujitsu, you are faced with having to do hard things over and over and over. And I think that helps build resiliency and it builds so much, like so much of that empowerment that we are talking about. And so it kind of like you're talking about with your banjo lessons. You're like, oh man, it's so easy to sit here and talk and like get out of doing this to actually be better. But you have to do the hard things over and over and over, even if it's messy, even if it's bad, because all your brain cares about is that you are showing up and you are doing the things that you said you were going to do. And then you're going to see improvement from that just from the fact of showing up and trying. And I think jujitsu does a great job of exemplifying that behavioral principle.

SPEAKER_01 23:14

I think you're right. The uh looking at each stage, how that you show up to the mat and like what we do in order to help ourselves or self-sabotage. It starts that prep work before you even hit the mat. It's behavior once you go in, it's how you take the information in. And I think there's a curious place where ego then enters all of that too.

unknown 23:38

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 23:38

And it's like, what are my beliefs about myself? And how then am I using that in order to shape what I do moving forward?

SPEAKER_00 23:47

Oh, absolutely. Because I and this is even relevant to my last tournament when I competed in Dallas two weeks, two weeks ago. I I didn't do well in my first two tournaments as a blue belt. And it's funny too how much of your everyday struggles and everyday, not necessarily issues, but so my my fight or flight response is like fauna freeze. And so when I'm put in stressful situations or where there's potential for conflict, I'm like, I just stand there like this. And then just I don't know what to do. And I just stand there like this. And so I've seen that show up in similar ways in tournaments. And so that's been a barrier for me is learning to overcome that fawn, that fauna-freeze state in a tournament. Even though I feel like I have it during open mat tournaments, you know what I mean. Tournaments are just a whole nother, a whole other level. And so I walked into Dallas, I was so confident. I've been, I've been training a lot, I had been lifting a lot more, my diet had been really good. Like I felt, I felt so prepared. And so then there's that ego, right? Where it's like, man, I got this. I'm doing so well. And then I lost my first, I lost my first match. It was only two advantages. She didn't score any points, but still that rocked my ego. And I came off that match with such a bad attitude. I I cried. And it was one of those things where it's like, I don't know, like, I was so frustrated that I hadn't won anything out of blue belt. Even if it was like, even if I didn't meddle, I just wanted to win something as a blue belt. And uh I get off the mat and I'm like talking to my boyfriend Derek, and I was crying and I was mad, and he looked at me and he was like, You can cry because you're passionate. You're not gonna cry and feel sorry for yourself. And so I think too, like whenever you have people in your corner that support you and keep your ego in check, because even though I was mad, like those are words I needed to hear to help kind of dissolve my ego a little bit, and then talk about and then I was able to go into my next match with a much more clear head because he helped me reframe my ego, if that makes sense. Cause then it's like the loss almost punished my self-confidence. So it's like, dang, I felt so good going in. And then I still lost. Why do I wanna keep doing this? Why do I want to keep doing this again? Is what my ego wanted to tell me in that moment. And so I think too, whenever you're like whenever you're training and whenever you're competing and you're dealing with that ego, and then too, also in behavior, your environment is what shapes your behavior. And so this is gonna all come together, I promise. So whenever you're competing and training, you really need to look at the people you have around you also, because they are going to be the ones that either build or keep your ego in check. And so I think to like your the gyms you're at, the people you train with, the people in your life, they need to be people who also keep you grounded. Otherwise, it's very, very easy for your ego to become out of check when you're looking at training, competing, because you do get such a good self-confidence boost. And then too, you could be the best at your, you could be the best roller, grappler in your gym, and then get out to a tournament and you're suddenly this very small fish in a very big pond. And so I think that environmental aspect is important too in terms of keeping your ego in check is having people who do hold you accountable, having people who do kind of like keep your head on straight. Because if you don't have that, your it might, your outcome might look very different in terms of how your ego handles everything.

SPEAKER_01 27:09

Absolutely. I think there's two parts. Like one, I am not my thoughts, and my thoughts are not me. And being able to see through that is kind of wild. But if I can understand, my brain either wants to take the easy way out, and so by thinking these things, I'm not going to be doing the hard things if I can get through that. And but you're right, that that ego part is really huge. Understanding like the behavior piece, the situation in front of me is neither good nor bad, it just is, and I decide to choose what I assign to it, right? And so that can be so challenging, especially getting to a tournament. That can be a fantastic opportunity. It can be really scary. What do I choose to lean into? Getting prepped for my first match. I am can I can be excited because I have an opponent standing in front of me, and they're not just gonna like hand me a medal and send me on my way, because I don't want that either, you know, or I could be scared because I just want the medal. What do you mean someone's in front of it? And like going through each of those situations, it kind of is a choose your own adventure, and I get to choose the path, but my goodness, I can know all those things, and it is still really hard.

SPEAKER_00 28:17

It's still so hard. It's still so hard. Because then, too, like you have to look at your history, right? Like, what are what are the the situations that have happened when you've lost before? What are the situations that have happened when you won before? Because all of that almost like predetermines how you're going to react in that moment if you are not so cognizant and so aware of the choices you actually have.

SPEAKER_01 28:44

There's a have you heard of the book called Rise Above by Stephen Barry Kaufman? Um, I started it, like I had this great idea like nine months ago that I it's about overcoming victim mindset in order to shape and change your future. And so the idea is that we all experience what we do, and we can either let that one event or events define us that we will forever carry as a badge that we will fall to. I am reacting like this because of this thing, and then how that's going to self-limit us, or whether we take that, yes, that was part of me. What did I learn from it? I probably wasn't in charge of what happened to me, but I can choose what I do with my life moving forward. Right, exactly. It was one of those I started reading, and then I was like, oh my gosh, I'm going to then take this like a college course. Then I'm gonna take notes that that lasted for like three days because novelty wore off. But like the idea is really important because we have so many experiences. Like I was in a I went to go roll once and I overheard someone say like next to me, like, oh, I don't roll with like women because like what am I going to learn from it? Because they're not strong. Like, it wasn't there was like a line in that, and I'm filling in all the gaps to make it what I think I heard, which wasn't quite what he meant. But I took that as like, oh, this here's the one little bit of proof that my brain needed that I wasn't strong enough. When I have all these other other times when like giant men have chosen to roll with me, they're totally happy working with me and stuff like that. So am I gonna lean on the one instance or the 57 other ones that prove the contrary?

SPEAKER_00 30:22

And then after I got divorced, I actually put a sign up in my living room and it's like a pretty pink um like playing card, and it says you can't change the hands you were change the hands you were dealt, but you can choose how you play the cards. And so to me, that like speaks to what that book is talking about, where it's like, yeah, maybe some really crappy things have happened to you, but it's your choice or not to either carry those things and live miserably, or to say, you know what, I have more control over my life than I really want to, than I really believe I do. So I'm going to choose to engage in a life that makes me feel better. And so, like, we really do have so much power in our lives to make those changes and to like see how we view the world.

SPEAKER_01 31:05

It's interesting to think about that, like in injury recovery. Like, I did this move and I got hurt. Sometimes it's like a rogue incident. Is that gonna stop me from ever once I heal, like ever trying to play that again? And if that's the case, like it's going to really rip limit my opportunities. Like maybe it's something wild, and maybe that's not going to be typically in my wheelhouse. But if it was just kind of a wonky arm bar one day, if I then choose to never use that again, that's on me because who's that serving? You know, unless I come, I I can then strengthen other areas where that might not necessarily be part of my game. But if that's going to be something that's very possible for me, then I need to be able to work through those feelings and know it's okay. Not one one where it's I'm looking for. Result is not going to be how it always happens.

SPEAKER_00 31:55

And avoidance is so powerful because what happens in your brain whenever you engage in like escape or avoidant behavior, you get immediate relief, right? Like there is not, there is a zero-second delay between like, I'm going to choose to not do this, and oh my gosh, I feel so much better because I chose to not do that, right? Like that that reward for your brain is immediate. And so the more often you actually engage in this like escape or avoidant behavior, the more you strengthen your ability to give up. And the more you strengthen your ability to walk away when things are hard. And so, because like that dopamine hit, the serotonin, whatever it is, like it's so it's so fast. And when you're looking at behavior, reinforcement or reward that happens within 60 seconds tends to be the strongest. You're never gonna beat a zero-second delay. You have to be so mindful of like, okay, in this moment, am I going to choose to build a life where it gets easier and easier for me to give up when things are hard or do something I know that, like you got injured or you were injured from doing a certain move and you come back, you don't have any now physical limitations. Hopefully, it's like, am I going to choose to not do this forever because of my history and then make it easier in the future to give up? Or am I going to approach this head on and actually strengthen parts of my brain and build my confidence knowing that, hey, I can actually do these things that are difficult for me.

SPEAKER_01 33:19

It's interesting, like living, I live a very privileged life. Like I would be very silly not to recognize that. I have health insurance, I have a home that I know is safe and secure. I don't worry about my family's safety, more or less. You know, when we're sleeping, I have food on the table. And I have realized I live such a squishy existence that it's only through really pushing through really challenging things do I find what I'm made of. And I recognize how lucky I am that I can go into situations where, gosh, it's hard, but I choose to push forward because it's not like, gosh, it's hard, but I need food on the table, or gosh, it's hard, or I need to find secure housing for the night. And so I know that yes, I'm willingly putting myself in those situations, but I'm going to be better for it by pushing myself out of my comfort zone and truly in such a controlled place. Like, if my biggest issue is that I prefer gi over no gi classes, and I'm like, you know what? They're really hard going to no gi, but I'm gonna go anyway because it's gonna make me better. Like, I have to know how lucky I am that that's my decision that I'm working on. And recognizing so many people have it so much harder and understanding that that's okay, and that's their story. It doesn't make their heart better than my heart. Does that I guess that makes sense? We all have our struggles. Totally. So that's really interesting about giving up and like the immediate relief. Like I see down here, it was talking about like tapping avoidance, like the knowing that the arm bar is coming and like tapping early versus trying to fight it or working on the escapes that I could potentially like I've had someone tell me, like, you know, it wasn't all the way secured in. You could have gotten out of that. I'm like, mah, I saw where it was going.

SPEAKER_00 35:13

Yeah. I so I'm a stubborn son of a gun. I will uh I will I never tap early because I never tap early. It's like a thing. They make they give me a hard time about it. I haven't gotten hurt or anything. So there's also like no punishment for me for not tapping early. I did get put to sleep once, but it was just she landed it so clean that I was like going to tap and it just put me out before I could like reach around and tap. Um, but I I use that opportunity to where it's like, how am I going to escape this? And so like I've gotten to a point now where I typically don't get armbarred often because I've put myself, I'm not on purpose, in situations where like I've been armbarred a lot, but now I've gotten really, really good at arm bar escapes because I don't tap early. And like I can usually, I can usually fight my way out of something that isn't sunk, that isn't that's sunk at like 90%. Because I have put myself in those situations over and over and over to where it's like, okay, I know how, I know how I can defend this. It's not quite sealed in. Let me go ahead and like do my thing. And so for me, not tapping early has been very beneficial because now I don't, I don't frequently get stuck in a lot when I roll with belts who are like similar to me. So that's so I I'm stubborn. And so I like to try. I don't like, I don't like not feeling successful. And I don't like, like I said, I'm a I'm a high achiever. I very determined, like I I engage in behaviors that allow me to feel successful, even if I know the outcome might not be there, because like that's what I that's what I need. It's it's important for me to feel successful.

SPEAKER_01 36:55

So I I can understand, like, if you're gonna do like anything on my wrist, shoulder, neck, I'm like, man, but if you mess with my knees and ankles, like and feet, just because like we share that running piece. Yeah, running is like all my mental health benefits, and I haven't been able to run because I like broke. There's a long story. So I will tell I always say I'm not a hero. If you do anything to my feet, whatever, legs, ankles, knees, I am no hero. I will tap early, I will tap often because I would rather like have something happen to my elbow, wrist, shoulder than anything happen to my legs. Yes. So absolutely, and like if it's a friend, I will absolutely not go into like a pressure tap of like they're gonna rip my jaw off. I don't care. They're gonna spother me, but I'm not gonna tap to that. But like, don't mess with my ankle. Yes, that's really funny. Do you now? Okay, so here's the thing. So when you're picking partners, are you pretty discriminate, like or choosy? Like, I always have to make sure that it's been a journey for me trying to pick partners and feeling safe rolling with strangers.

SPEAKER_00 38:00

I'm not super picky. When I was a white belt, I really wasn't picky and I would just roll with anybody. I've since learned because I just I just wanted to be out there and just get better. Now I typically, if it's a guy's first class or first like first couple open math, I won't roll with them. And usually I just say, hey, like, hey, I'm competing. I know you don't know a lot, and like I just don't, like, I just don't want to get hurt. And so, but when they've when they've been there for a little bit and I feel pretty confident, it's like, okay, they know more of what they're doing, then I then I'll typically say yes. But there's not really a lot of people that that I won't roll with. And to, so I live in North Texas and we're right next to an Air Force base. And so we get a lot of airmen that come in too. And so it's it's for me, it's like, I'll just wait until you've been here a little bit and then I'll I'm more open to roll. But other than that, no, I'm not I'm not super picky on who I roll with at all. I'm pretty open.

SPEAKER_01 38:49

It's weird. Sometimes I think that that ego piece I've I've rolled with men where they've had something to prove, and so they're gonna muscle me, they're gonna pull things quickly. I've said it on the podcast before, like, I'll go into a roll-up. I have I'm trying to I saw this one girl, she was visiting from my gym from Oregon, and she was just a beast, and she would roll with all the big boys, and she would just go for it. And I learned so much from her because I was very selective beforehand. And then I know my game is if I'm rolling with someone new lately, I'll say, I'm looking not to get murdered this round. And if they like kind of smile or say, Oh, I hope you don't put me to sleep, whatever the case. If they kind of make a joke, give me a little bit of a smile, I'm like, okay, now I can under, I can establish where we're coming at. If they like don't crack a smile, I am very, I very much play a different game. I'm ready to bail if I need to. What I was thinking about earlier, and knowing my comfort level of my opponents, I was I tend to like a strength of mine is just like my endurance game. For better or worse, I'm still moving, moving, moving. And so if the other person, if I start to see them gassing out, but they've been stronger than me, I just push pressure, push pressure, like put push pace. That can also be to my detriment because like we break away from the scramble and then I just like lunge like a flying squirrel at them. When I get in that mode, I can recognize it, but I also recognize that like my cognitive ability way drops down, and like I put my I make very careless mistakes because I am just going for high-energy bum rush them sometimes. I take all 120 pounds and I like just put my shoulder in and I just like steamroll them and try to knock them over. So I have to recognize when that part of me like hoax out and comes out, yes, technique is not my friend, and I need to work on finding that balance between like the energy piece, but also staying very controlled. Because if I can harness that, man, then that would really be something on in my favor because Oh yeah, that endurance piece is tough or is that endurance piece is interesting because it accesses such a different energy source than like long distance running. But being able to find that happy medium in between can really not I don't want to say typically jujitsu folks don't do cardio or they're not pushing that high energy, but yeah it is definitely interesting and and knowing like uh six minutes going hard can feel tougher than like a marathon or the long run. Yes, yes, it's like just like a full sprint. What makes a coach effective for a behavior standpoint?

SPEAKER_00 41:29

Ooh, so I this is a good one. So I have the coaches at my gym are incredible for them. Like they, in terms of like the behavior standpoint, they have very clear expectations. They are constantly like socially reinforcing a lot of people. And so, like, whenever we're in line at the end, there's I don't think there's ever a time where they don't call out at least one or two people for like their strengths that they have. They also lead by example. So they we see a lot of modeling from our coaches, like they compete. If we're at a tournament competing, there's a guarantee that either like the both the owners are competing, or at least one is, or their son is competing. And so we see a lot of like modeling by example, and they're just so and they've just done such a great job of like setting expectations, holding people accountable for their behavior, implementing consequences when needed, because we know that in behavior change, like behavior doesn't change if there's no consequence. And so for whatever reason, somebody has stepped out of line or whatever, like there's always a consequence and they follow through with that. And so I think those are the best things that from a behavioral standpoint, those are things that they do really, really well is the modeling, doing the hard things themselves because competing is very hard, especially at the black belt level. It's such a different game than like I'm a blue belt. The competing at the black belt level is such a different game than the competing at the blue belt because you never know who you're competing with and how long they've been a black belt and all those different things. And it's like maybe you just gotta, you're brand new to your black belt, but then you have somebody in your division who's been a black belt for like seven or eight years. You know what I mean? Like there's so much, there's so much more differentiation. And so I think those things are what really make a good coach is the modeling, they're very, very like socially reinforcing. Um, and then just implementing consequences when needed.

SPEAKER_01 43:12

I think also knowing the more self-awareness I gain, it's like anything in life. The more I learn, the more I realize I don't know. And I think there are so many different coaching styles. Again, a style is a style, you decide whether or not it works for you or not. And so I've gotten a chance to work with a tremendous amount of coaches in the last two years. And the one that's been working, it's so interesting that some of the quietest ones can be the most effective or the most serious. Like I was in a class and it was a lot of people, it's kind of a lots of people from different. It's a fairly new school starting. So there's a lot of different of the higher rankings that are coming over, and they're coming from all different gyms. And so he was kind of setting stage of There really shouldn't be like a lot of talking, like I'm the one coaching, walking through. He said it was really interesting. He said, when you're rolling, if I talk to you and like give you pointers or whatever, don't stop and look at me because we're training that if you were in a match, you're not going to turn and look at me as you're competing on them. So I heard that and then I'm working, and then he went to give you feedback. And my first knee-jerk reaction was to turn my head. It's like don't look at me. And I didn't. Like it wasn't a snap at me, it wasn't mean, but it was like that. That very direct. Yes. And he gave very specific feedback. And also, it was funny because he's kind of a serious guy. And he was telling me, like Tony Stark at them. And I'm like, uh? He's like care bear stare. I'm like, oh, got that. So like it was always like turning and facing and squaring off with your opponent. Yeah. So for him to be able to find what is the language, but he delivers or delivers it very calm. There's not a lot of like high energy. And I find I match energy a lot. So if he's gonna come at me like that, then I'm gonna be like even higher. And so I'm getting I'm working on bringing it down, breathing through, listening, keeping calm so I don't burn myself out in the process. And doesn't mean that like everybody needs something different. Some people really like the rah-rah schools and like the clapping and the high energy stuff. Yeah, other people like it.

SPEAKER_00 45:28

Yeah, no, I like I like the like I like the very direct feedback, but then too, like I'm a behavior analyst and so we live by feedback and direct feedback. And so I I like the direct feedback. There was one time too, a couple weeks ago, where they took they took footage from everyone's matches and then they put up like different parts of the match to talk about like things we did well and things we needed to work on. And then we repped the the situations from people's tournaments in class to practice. And I was like, that's really cool. Like, whenever it's nerve-wracking because it's like, oh my gosh, this is my clip. But then too, it's like that's really cool though, that they care enough about us competing that they want to take the time to review all of our footage like that, and then look at those specific scenarios and then make a whole class over it. Like to me, that was really cool. Was it nerve-wracking? Yes, because that's me being that's my perfectionist like self being like, oh my gosh, like yes. Uh like, oh no. But then too, like, I really appreciate the time that they took to go through and like watch everybody and then just pick out those things to really specifically work on that would benefit the school as a whole. So I did, I really appreciated that part of it too.

SPEAKER_01 46:40

And really the behavior in me understands that if I care or if I know I could change the behavior. Like I've heard it said, if you look at somebody and there's something off, like like not that could be corrected. If they can't change it in three minutes, like don't say it. Like you're not gonna talk about the size of someone's ears or how they stick out or something. But if they have something in your teeth, you're gonna say something. And I found in interacting with people, I will voice an opinion that might be contradictory or whatever. If I thought I cared and respected the person enough where I felt like it could be a good banter a good exchange, I recognize if a coach tells me something, it's because they see a correction that I can make to be better. I do know that if I'm just like flailing and just like a complete mess, they might just walk by me because it's not even worth the effort to try to control because they might either not think that I can, or I'm in such a stage that's like a very different conversation. So I am like all up for those little bits of feedback. I have to remind myself, oh, this is gonna make me better. What can I learn from this?

SPEAKER_00 47:43

And then it keeps your ego in check too, right? Like it's another one of those like ego things. And that's what I love about jujitsu also, because too, like, I think it's so it's so easy to be blind to our specific weaknesses, and then it's very, very hard to take feedback in general. Like I've spent the last 10 years giving people feedback in some form or fashion at work, and you can you can tell the people who can are able to like sit with themselves and see the area their areas of deficits because I've gotten to a point. I mean, I took classes in college on how to give feedback, and so I feel like I can usually present feedback to someone in a very like direct but empathetic, empathic manner, but you can see whose egos aren't ready to handle, like I've had people quit jobs over specific feedback that I've given like over specific feedback that I've given them when it wasn't even I don't present feedback as an attack, if that makes sense. And so, but jujitsu, because especially like you're always there's always gonna be somebody better than you, and especially when you're starting out, you're always gonna suck. Like you're always gonna be the, you're always gonna be the nail. Somebody's always gonna hammer you. So you get so much practice at being able to take constructive feedback in a place that is safe because you go in knowing everybody in this room is better than me. Especially when you first start. And then even as a bluebelt, you're like 80% of this room is 80% of this room is better than me. And so you just get so good at taking constructive feedback in a place that is safe because there's a very like clear dynamic of there's a pe there's a lot of people in this room who know a lot more than me. And that can I can sit with that and take that feedback knowing that they are just here to make me better.

SPEAKER_01 49:28

And talk about like what a great leg up on life. Like you I think as it whittles down, you know, there's fewer, there's maybe lots of white belts, a little bit less blue belts, a whole lot less purple belts as it goes up on the line. But what I see so often in these brown blow, brown belt, black belts, they are like the calmest, like easy going as people. And I'm always curious were they like that prior, or was it something that developed over time? Very interesting to me lately. I've seen who I am, my personality will show up on the mat, it shows up on the improv stage, it shows up during labor. Like there are parts of me that are going to be the threads that hold me together, hold me teaching. For better or worse, that's who I am. And how do I choose to get strength or str um stronger in the weak areas, hold correct and shape the areas that need to be like sanded down a little bit. But talk about your right feedback. We are getting a lot in real time, whether it's spoken or not. Like if you do something reckless and you put yourself in peril, you're like, I will never do that again because that was a really bad idea.

SPEAKER_00 50:40

Yes. Yeah, you get you get feedback from people, and you also get just like physical feedback from who you're rolling with, right? And so it's like all your brain just is taking in so much at one time, physical movements, verbal feedback. Like you're just taking in, your brain is taking in so much stimuli in that moment. Because you have to be mindful, you have to be mindful of your positions, your partner's positions, what people are saying to you. Do I have enough space on the mat to like even do what I'm trying to do right now, right? Like whenever you're whenever you're practicing or training. Like there's so much your brain is having to be cognizant of in the moment.

SPEAKER_01 51:18

I find it really highlights your areas of weakness if you're not willing to admit it. Like I know for me, I tend to be a very intuitive person. I say with finger quotes, that's hard to see on an episode. But um, I like I find myself in a way, and over time I develop what's right. Now, that is an incredibly long journey. Like in teaching, I've been teaching for over two decades. And so by now, I if I see this skill, I see what they need. And I set up my classroom, I change things depending on how the kids walk in in the morning. If everyone's really combative, I am changing my day around so that they're we're easing our way into it, structure more than less, so there's less opportunity for all those bickering without them. But I also see that on the mat, like I do it'll take me a lot longer to get to where I want to go if I don't have a plan. And intuition is kind of intuitive is kind of the opposite of a plan because I'm letting the situation guide me versus going in with a structure of what I want. Now that structure can change, like if an arm bar presents versus guillotine, being able to shift. But if I just go in reacting to what's around me, then I'm having to play the other person's game and it's gonna take longer to get to where I want to be.

SPEAKER_00 52:28

And it goes back into that prevention lifestyle versus that reaction lifestyle.

SPEAKER_01 52:32

Mm-hmm. You're like, I thought I was not going to avoid that, but guess what? Here it comes again.

SPEAKER_00 52:38

Here I am.

SPEAKER_01 52:40

Let's see. I found you on the wanted to shift as we start to get closer to an hour-ish. Um, I found you through Instagram and you've been big in the TikTok realm. And what pushed you to get your voice out there? What have you brought to the community? Where do you see yourself going? All of those important things.

SPEAKER_00 52:58

Oh my gosh. So it's actually, it's actually funny. I never thought I would do content creation. That goes back to that insecurity. I'm not my own person. I'm just somebody, I belong to somebody. You know what I mean? Like it just, I remember talking to a friend of mine and just talking about, oh my gosh, I could never handle like online criticism. There's no way I would ever put myself in social media. And then, you know, you get divorced, and then it's like, you know, maybe look, maybe I could try it. Maybe I could put myself out there. And it really was just my love for behavior analysis and self-improvement. And I really just wanted to take, because I didn't see a lot of people doing this yet. There's more BCBAs doing it now, but looking at taking applied behavior analysis out of the clinical setting and then teaching people that, like, hey, it's applicable to everyone that behaves, and that these are just principles that will also make your life better. And so that was my ultimate goal was to put was to take ABA and make it accessible to the general population because we're all behaving beings, so we all fall under these behavioral principles. It's a shame that insurance will only provide behavioral therapy if you have an autism diagnosis, but that's another topic for another day. My one of my other tangents that I could uh get on a lot. But that was my initial goal was that I just wanted to bring ABA to make it accessible for everyone because I just want people to be able to have the resources they need to improve their lives because I feel like there's so much information out there, but people, you just don't get the behavioral piece. And so I think that behavioral piece is a lot of the is like the missing key for a lot of people being able to make sustainable life changes. And then I started on TikTok. That kind of I'm doing pretty well over there. I think I'm at almost 19,000 followers on TikTok. And then after Instagram always scared me, I felt like Instagram was the place where you have to be aesthetic and pretty and you know, just it felt more intimidating. And more people I know are on Instagram than TikTok. TikTok feels like a bunch of strangers. Uh, Instagram feels a lot more personal. And so Derek's been like the best person. He's the most supportive person in the world. He was like, you know, you really like, if you really want to do this, like you need to do it right and just go ahead and put everything on every platform, regardless of how you feel like it's going to perform. And so then in December of this past year, so like three months ago, I started posting more regularly on my Instagram. And then I shot up from like 200 followers to now, I think I'm at over 1700. So that's a pretty, pretty good growth in the last three months. And then I just happened to stumble onto the grapple like a girl BJJ and their affiliate program. And I was like, oh, this is like there's a whole community of women that I can connect with that also do jujitsu, who also have similar lifestyles and similar goals as me. And then there's that like attention-seeking component, right? Like we're always looking for community. I applied for her affiliate program, got in, and then I've just been incorporating more of that into my content. Uh, I also like to watch anime, and so that's also been like something else that I talk about too. And so, so much of like content creation and social media has taught me how to be authentic and how to like be loud about the things that I like, which has always been a huge struggle for me uh as somebody. I'm a I'm a people pleaser. I very much am like I grew into a yes man a little bit uh over the course of my life and marriage. And so you spend, and that's something I'm actively working on right now because it's so hard to just like put all of your wants and needs on the back burner and then just to be like readily available for what everybody else needs and wants to do. And so content creation has helped me explore my own interests and like be loud and vocal about them. So, like if you're following me on any platform, you're truly getting me experiencing my experiencing and being loud about the things that I care about for the first time.

SPEAKER_01 57:03

I love it. And I think you hitting the nail on the head, the authenticity shines from what you talk about because you're really passionate about it. And I love the anime connection with jujitsu and all of it. It's fantastic. My kids are super into anime and I know like nothing. So I love that there's like a talking point. I'm like, so when I was watching this thing, it's like my efforts to be cool with my teenagers. It's like here, I can, I can this helps me relate to you a little bit. As you were talking about like that, the corner that you found yourself, the niche that you found yourself, and how important it is. If I take what I know about education, and so when people talk about like how does a child qualify for like special education, it's where we see like a deficit so large that they can't get that with what everybody else is getting. That doesn't mean that there aren't other children in my classroom that might have some weaknesses in social skills or weaknesses in math. It's just not at such a profound area that they need extra specialized support. And I think when used correctly, social media, when vetted, who you're listening to, you really try to weed through what people are talking, the reasons why they're saying what they are. We might, I might not be in such an extreme deficit that I need clinical support for, but you working through some very strong ideas uh and solid ideas for why do I do what I do, what my behaviors are showing about me, what I can do to be a better person. And so, like all these snippets, like you were talking the other day about if somebody does something and you don't say anything, you've just given consent by not by inaction. And so they can continue to do that thing. Um, I had a guy that I went to roll with. I'd rolled with him like once before, months and months ago. And we went to roll and I went to go slap hands, whatever, little shaky shake. And he said, No, I don't do that. I'm ready to take you down, and just like went for a leg. What I should have done was just like bow, nope, like noped out of there, like a clear level of disrespect. And I was fond of it because, again, safety and surroundings, that I feel okay making us think about it. By continuing the role, I have now given consent for him to treat me like that. And I was so mad at myself after because I'm only in charge of myself and what I do and moving forward. But I hate that I have to learn everything one situation at a time. I'm not good at generalizing that behavior of consent forward. But now I know very clearly what I'm okay with and what I'm not. And like other men, I've talked to them about are like, oh, that guy's just goofy. Oh, that guy didn't mean well. Yeah. And if he would have done it to you, you would have flattened him. So why was it okay to do it to me? And why has it not happened to anybody else in the gym? And so hearing you talk about that reinforces that idea that I don't have to put up with that, but also I am allowing people to treat me by what I show and how I react. So, like, yes, jujitsu related, yes, life related, and like that's an area that I can see that I can improve in both areas. So I think you're doing such powerful work because you're taking very clinical, big areas that you've researched for years and breaking it into pieces that people can understand.

SPEAKER_00 1:00:25

And too, like sometimes people comment and will say things like, well, what about this and this? What about like the extremes, right? And it's like the point of these, the point of my little like 10-second clip is to like present to you a behavioral principle. Is it applicable to all these extremes? No, but really it's a conversation starter because then people start talking in the comments and they're like, oh my gosh, I never would have thought about how this applied to me. Oh my gosh, like I see this in my day-to-day. And it's really just like to start those conversations because then I can go back in and then break it down into whatever like situations are happening. And so for me, I've loved doing that because then too, like, I don't ever talk about anything on my page that like I don't personally believe in or haven't personally experienced. And so like I'm coming at this with the the clinical knowledge for sure, but also like these are principles that I've seen happen in my own 30 years of life. Right.

SPEAKER_01 1:01:22

And you're not you're not diagnosing, you're not telling people it's okay if you do. This is what I notice, and this is what I see, and these are some ideas, and it gives you something to think about. And whether it's really interesting because if you were to say, you know, the sky is blue. And if someone thinks the sky is red, they're like, What do you mean it's blue? It is red. Everyone knows it's red. I'm gonna tell you and add all the bad words and tell you why you're wrong because you think the sky is blue. How dare you say that? And I'm going to then come after your mother and say things about her because of your audacious idea. Yeah. I want you to think about how strongly you feel like the sky is red because I don't think we're arguing about the same things at this point.

SPEAKER_00 1:02:04

No, no.

SPEAKER_01 1:02:07

If anything behaviors given me a chance to step back, and I'm like, that was a really strong reaction to a red or blue popsicle. Maybe we should talk about this.

SPEAKER_00 1:02:17

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 1:02:19

And sometimes it has nothing to do with me. It's just my mom, I haven't, I don't know if I gotten to say this on the podcast. She is not a behaviorist, but she used to tell me when I was little, when someone comes at you like irrationally, they either they probably have a headache or they have to poop. And like it it giggle, I it's a great reason to chuckle, break a situation up a little bit. But the bigger idea is sometimes people are reacting because of past experiences or something that has nothing to do with me.

SPEAKER_00 1:02:46

Yep. We all just see the world from what our environment has shaped.

SPEAKER_01 1:02:54

And we really get a choice on how we react and move forward. And whether we want to keep growing or stay with what's comfortable, but that is our choice to make for sure. Yes. Oh my gosh, this is so fun. I love it.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:10

It's been so much fun.

SPEAKER_01 1:03:12

And I love the idea and all the doors that can open from this. And gosh, have you done seminars? You would be a great like guest speaker, like in the middle. People are coming back in and just talking about all of these things. I think it it's all of the prep and invisible things that you really are setting yourself and others up for success with. But it takes, it takes thought and it takes preparation.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:38

Thought and the willingness to just sit with yourself and be okay with thinking about, well, there are some issues where like I actually am the cause of my own problems. Uh, and just being able that having that ability to be able to take ownership over that. Cause yeah, somebody can say do whatever, but like it is your ultimately your decisions are yours and your behaviors are yours. And so just being able to sit with that fact, and that's that's a hard, hard place to be able to be. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:04:08

My success is dependent on me, and it is so much easier to blame other people for it.

SPEAKER_00 1:04:13

It is had that external locus of control, it's so easy. It's so easy. Sometimes I like I make jokes often where it's like I'm so sick of character development. Like, I just want I just want a day where I can just be feel like I'm oblivious and just like be in my bubble, but then too, it's like, man, as nice it is to be in the bubble, I see how miserable a lot of people are when they live in the bubble. And so I'd rather be aware and do the hard work than be miserable in a bubble. Sure.

SPEAKER_01 1:04:44

Yeah, and you're right, it's hard because there's a lot of times I'm like, oh man, I really did not set myself up for success. And that accountability like it's great. Like your successes, your wins are all you, but also your failures are they're also all you.

unknown 1:05:01

I love it.

SPEAKER_01 1:05:04

Oh my gosh. Well, Connie, thank you so much for talking to me today. I really appreciate it.

SPEAKER_00 1:05:08

Of course, thank you so much for having me. This has been so much fun.

SPEAKER_01 1:05:12

My shout-out this week goes to the unexpected friendships that come along with jujitsu. When you've been training for two, three, four days a week, five days a week, six days a week. Getting out the door is sometimes the last thing I want to do. But I know that the mats are always an unexpected place and I never know who I'm gonna find. Whether that's in my home gym, open mat, a seminar. I love the beauty of what jujitsu brings when women get together. So cheers to you for getting out there and all of your unexpected friendships. A huge thank you to my friend Connie. I was so excited when she agreed to sit down and talk with me because, like I've said before, I love behavior, I love jujitsu. So you just merge my ideas and yap at me for an hour, and it's one of my favorite things. I love her levity, her enthusiasm. I love her story and how she came to the mats. And I see such excitement in her future and what she can bring to the sport and as well as to all of humankind. I know that's a bit altruistic, but we all need a little bit of Connie in our life. Thank you for being a guest on the podcast. Thank you to all that listen. Thank you, all that share the episodes. You all mean more to me than you ever know. Until next time, stay cozy, and I can't wait to see you at the next pajama party.