EPP: Meet Jenn (Living and thriving and putting in the work)

 This week I got to sit down and talk with my friend Jenn. In this episode you will hear how Jiu Jitsu helped Jenn overcome personal struggles and build a resilient mindset. Discover her journey from a domestic violence survivor to a passionate martial artist.

She shared inspiring journey through Jiu Jitsu, how it transformed her life, and the lessons she learned along the way. From overcoming personal trauma to empowering herself and others, Jenn’s story is a testament to the resilience of the human spirit and the power of martial arts.

 If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, support is available. You deserve safety, support, and the chance to rebuild without fear. In the U.S., help is available 24/7 through The National Domestic Violence Hotline or by calling/texting 800-799-7233. 

Transcript

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Hi everyone, welcome to Emily's Pajama Party. I'm your host, Emily, and I'm so glad you're here. Whether you're listening in your comfiest pajamas or on your commute, or maybe even sneaking in a moment for yourself, thank you for tuning in and coming back to hang out. This space is all about real conversations, good vibes, and celebrating the stories that make us who we are. So settle in, get comfy, and let's jump in today's episode. For this week's episode reminder for me on how to become a better croppler, I have to remember that I need to build a no-panic bottom game. It's not a surprise that I'm going to end up on the bottom. It's just a reality. So instead of thinking, I can't be here, I need to remember I can frame here. I can slow this down. I can recover guard. I can get to my side. I can get an underhook. I can get up. So I have to remember my goal is not never to be on the bottom. The goal is be safe, don't panic, escape when they get tired. I can play the long game and I'm gonna win, I'm gonna lose, but I'm gonna stick with it and be better for the next role. This week I have the pleasure of introducing you to my friend Jen. It's interesting. I approach new people with the idea of being on the podcast. And it would be really surprising, I think, for folks to know just how often the women say, Why should anyone listen to me? Or what story do I have to tell that's interesting? We all carry that story within us of how we overcame our past or the challenge we have for the future. And Jen is no exception. She is a solid, fantastic human. She's friendly, she's competitive, she has a vibrancy about her. And just talking to her, you would never know the path that she's traveled. This episode was one where I was I actually approached her because I saw that she worked with cranes. I'm like, hey, that's really cool. I bet you work with a bunch of guys. What's that like? And then the conversation kind of snowballed and wiggle-waggled its way into what the content is today. So I love that she was on the show to share her story, her strength. It might not have been about anything we originally talked about, but it's even more wonderful than I could have imagined. So sit back and listen with me as I talk to my friend Jen. Thank you so much for being on the show. I'm so glad you're here. Um thank you for having me. So, for listeners getting to meet you for the first time, how do you introduce yourself? So my name is Jennifer. I'm a 33-year-old mother, uh jujitsu practitioner, and someone who has spent the last few years rebuilding myself through martial arts. You train a lot of different places. Do you squeeze time in for other things? Oh, you're a big hockey fan. I know that about you. Yes, I'm a huge hockey fan. Before jujitsu, so now I like you mentioned, I train, I train a lot. So before jujitsu, I was a season ticket holder. So I was at a hockey game Monday, Wednesdays, Fridays. Anytime I could get into the the at the Honda Center, I was there. So before jujitsu, I had a bit of a hockey social life. Before jujitsu, after jujitsu, things changed. Jiu Jitsu social life. So how did jujitsu come into your life? I mean, I've always been a fan of uh I don't want to say violence, but uh mixed martial arts, I guess. Growing up in a Hispanic household, boxing was a big thing in our home. I mean, family parties were a big thing in our home. So every family party probably had a boxing event. And so it was just something that my family bonded over. And from there, I graduated, I I like to say graduated to like real mixed martial arts. Not that boxing isn't real, it's just different. I started watching Pride, Bellator, and then eventually the UFC. So I kind of started, it started there, and then I re like I started realizing these are different, you know, arts within within the the sport, right? So there's jujitsu, there's boxing, there's muay thai, kickboxing, all these things, and that's where I found just jujitsu. But it didn't really, I didn't go into a gym and sign up right away. You know, I just was like, oh, that's cool. So cool to look at and started there. Did you try any of the stand-up styles like the kickboxing route or any of the MMA? So more recently I started the Muay Thai, but I I dabble and then I stop because I realize it's taking time away from jujitsu. And so I'm like, okay, I I can't get obsessed with something else when I'm still, you know, learning. I'm still on like step three of a thousand at jujits in jujitsu. So I'm like, okay, let me refocus on jujitsu. And so I dabble with muay thai, but most of it's just jujitsu. So what got you in the door the first time? Because you get to watch it and then you can I liked, as you've said, the evolution. In my mind, I was looking for the clarification. I had a friend that showed up for a date once, and the guy had like a boxing ring in his backyard, and him and his friends was like, put on the outfits and jump on each other. And I was like, ah, she watches it because it's at the anyway. That was like a funny. I wish that would have been a great. I would have been like, Yes, I'm in. They had like the lucha libre masks, and she's had no clue what was going on. I'm like, Did you stick around? Because that would be awesome. Yeah, that would have been awesome. Did she stick around? I think they were like a one date, and they were like, ah, this isn't quite my thing. That's funny. So you you were looking, you you watched it, you found an appreciation for the different styles. You saw the MMA, you saw the jujitsu. What made you choose jujitsu? And then thinking about it and also getting in the door are kind of two different things. And even finding a gym is really tricky. Yeah, so I mean, I uh like I mentioned, I had a growing passion for the arts, but never the confidence to go step into a gym or even think about Googling and trying to figure out where to where to even train. I had so I have a 10-year-old daughter. At that time, this was, I want to say almost nine, eight or nine years ago that this happened. So I have had, I'm, I guess you would call me a domestic violence survivor. That's kind of a funny thing to say. It's a weird thing to say, not a funny thing to say, but it's it's it feels weird saying it. But that's what it is, right? So I had there were three incidents, but I guess the one that kind of really hit me, no pun intended. Is that a bad joke? Sometimes laughter and levity can bring kind of the seriousness out, and we all handle it in our own different ways. And if that gets us through, I'm here for it. That that's gonna be my the biggest thing to learn out of me is that uh I've found that humor in is the way that I've managed to cope and to be able to talk about things that maybe aren't as easy to talk about. It's easy for me to talk about it now because it's been so long, but sometimes I feel because I am so unserious, people are like, wait, that this is a pretty serious thing to talk about. But it's just out of humor that I try to make you feel comfortable or whoever feel comfortable about what I'm talking about. So back to my story. So out of one of those exchanges, I was put in an ambulance, and the paramedic asked me, is this really the life that you want for your daughter? My daughter was maybe 10 months. She was in the in the house with her dad and several police officers. Um, and then I was in the ambulance and the paramedic was talking to me and asking me, you know, basically asking me to reevaluate my life and and decide if this is really what I want for my future. My daughter in a room full of police officers. You are you're in an ambulance right now, we're asking you questions you're about to throw up, you know, questions like that. So I had, I mean, I after that, I was just severely, severely depressed. Like I was not, I was a shell of a human. And I think the biggest thing that came out of that conversation or that how that whole exchange, I guess, was I wasn't really set up for success to protect myself, defend myself, both mentally and physically. And I thought my daughter's, you know, 10, 11 months right now. How how actually this? I'm sorry, I'm that was the first exchange, but at the time that I started thinking about jujitsu, she was already four or five years old. So it took me a little bit to kind of get out of that head space. But at that time that I thought about it, I thought, how do I make sure that she's prepared? Right. So when she was a four, and I started thinking, okay, I need to do something for her to make sure that she's prepared. Not that she's uh, I mean, you know, hoping that she's never put in a situation like this, but I want to make sure that she's able to, you know, protect herself in any kind of situations, bullying, like relationships, any any type of situation like that. So I started looking into a gym. And at that time I lived in Anaheim, and the gym that popped up was a Gracie Baja in Garden Grove. So I went in and they told me she was four at that time, so they told me she's too young, but you know, would you like to do this? And I was like, no, no, you know, that just that initial fear. I'm seeing these people and they're in funny looking like suits, and I'm like, no, I'm okay. And it just reminded me, like it clicked in my brain, like I've been obsessed with this for so long, why not? Why not? You know, and so I said yeah, and I signed all the waivers and I did my I got my funny look looking suit, and I was, you know, drowning in the ghee, and my white belt was tied completely wrong, probably. And I mean, that was one of the best decisions that I ever made. And once I stepped through that door, I don't I haven't looked back. Does she do jujitsu now? She did. We since we left, I left Gracie Baja, I think a year or two ago. Our current school doesn't really have a we have a kids program, but it's a little more advanced kids. I mean, she's not there. She's closer to the gray white belt, uh, but she's still a white belt, so she hasn't been back in the training room for some time, but she will she will eventually make it back in. It's so tricky with kids because there are certain things they're like, do you want to do I don't know, do you want to go to the zoo and see the lions or the tigers? Or do you want to go get ice cream or boba? And there's certain certain things like allow so much choice. And the more I talk to adults with children in programs, it's like this it's not a choice. Like, you need to find a way to defend yourself, but also we want you to like it. Like, I I struggle, like my own three children. My oldest is a wrestler, he's 18. That's different. But my other two are like, ugh, they're like noodles, they don't they don't really want to get into that situation. But I'm like, you kind of gotta know. Like, you don't know until you know. And if you get in there and you don't know anything, then you're in trouble. So you I I'm trying to find a way of trying to get them to be excited about it, but not push them. Yeah. But it's too it's that's the part, you know, in general with parenting, you always want like you you want to force them to do things because you know, as a parent and as you know, an experienced adult, you're a kid, you already know this is probably good for you. This is good for you. You need to do this, but you don't want to force it because then they hate it, right? And that's what I'm trying to avoid. I don't want to force the jujitsu on her because I don't want her to hate it. But I do, I am trying to like emphasize how important it is for her to learn something like this. Like on Mother's Day, she went and trained with me on Mother's Day. She loved it, absolutely loved it, thought it was the funnest thing ever. So now it's like, okay, if I make it fun for her here and there, then it's like, oh mom, can I train? And then that's what I want. I want it to come from her. But at the end of the day, like I told her, you're not quitting jujitsu until you're a bluebelt. So, and I mean, by blue belt, you're already a bluebelt. Might as well just go all the way to the black belt. So I I thought about this, you know, I made I made it like a decision in my head. I gotta set it up to where she can't quit. So she'll be back in there, and I'm hoping it comes out of her, you know, like from her that she wants to get back in there. But I don't want to force it. I mean, it's parenting is so hard, you know. You don't know what you're doing right or you're doing wrong. You're just trying to, you're just throwing things and hoping it lands. That is my entire philosophy, I think, as a parent. I'm like, I hope I'm doing it right. You don't really know until 20 years down the line. But yeah. Yep. Uh so with your background and getting to watch, I don't want to call it violence, but it is like mix mixed martial arts, like people are bleeding and choking and all sorts of things. So watching something that's very aggressive on the TV, but also living it in such a different way. I've had friends that had been through different scenarios and just like this smell, like a new guy would join the gym and his cologne would kind of waff through and it would trigger a memory, and they just bolted because it was it just hits you like a tidal wave. Yeah. I could and you signed up and you said, why not? And you got in there, but jujitsu, you're like in each other's business, and it's not like we're just like tag, I won the round, I scored more goals than you. It's you know, I put you in a very close situation, or you couldn't get out of a situation. Was that a lot to kind of like come to peace with, or were you able to unpack your past and now start fresh? And so they were like to I that would be tricky, I think. I think, yeah, definitely. I mean, I it from the last incident that happened, like the biggest incident where I feel like I had a kind of a wake-up call, it had been at least three years from then when I actually joined the gym. So by that time, I don't feel like I have I mean, it's like PTSD, right? You know what I mean? Like it's you get it's smell. I get that. So when I smell a certain house smell, and it's a house, not necessarily a person, I my stomach feels sick. I feel like throwing up. But for some reason, I think by the time I joined the gym, it wasn't as thought as I it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. When I look back at what I went through, I think the emotional abuse was what affected me so much more than the physical. Physical was small instances where, you know, I got hit in the face or I got pushed to the floor or something like that. But it was, and it's it's silly in my head because I try to dumb it down or like make it smaller than it is. It is a hard thing to have gone through. But I feel like that stuff like fades, that that emotion, that physical stuff fades, it goes away, the bruises go away. But the damage that was done to my confidence, my sense of worth, myself, like who I am as a person, as a woman, as a mother, my peace of mind, it lingered on for years. So coming into jujitsu after something like that, it it was hard, but not as hard as I thought it would be. And I think that's just based on that my emotional pain was so much worse than my physical. So it was it was hard, yes, because but more because of my lack of confidence. I was just so awkward, uh, anxious all the time. So it was hard, but not in the hard and not in the way that you'd think as far as like being people being on top of you. I did get an anxiety, you know, when like not knowing what to do, because you don't know what to do, right? But that's I I think it's just like it's just more of like, I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do, right? It's not necessarily it wasn't an anxiety of what I had been through. And I think that's just because of the emotional. Emotional really outweighed all of everything. Um it really took a toll on who I was. That there's two parts of this. One is like continuing to talk about the physicality because you are like such a tough cookie, and like I could see like the interstream, I could see you be like really being able to turn that up. I could see the pro of jujitsu is like when you can use that strength of yours to like grow as a person and really you are your own person, like in a role or in a competition. And so those successes, I would imagine, would light that fire that fire of confidence. You know, I am worthy, I can do these things. I've proven time and time again. So maybe that like come back to see other voice in your head that might tell you other things. I'm I don't want to say I'm projecting, but I've been in those situations where I never thought I would allow myself to put up with this. And now here I am, and it's it like seeps in the cracks. It's not necessarily the one knocking the door down. It's like the little voices that just kind of follow you along in such an and you never know when they're gonna come out, and they're all and I you kind of always I feel like I'm always watching over my shoulder, you know, metaphorically. 100%. You you feel like every I mean, I just had a situation last week before this competition. You feel like you're in a groove and everything's fine and you're everything's great, and you're like, wow, this is great. And then a little voice or a little trigger, like a little argument will happen, like between my daughter's dad and I, and that changed the course of my entire week. I thought I had healed from you know, these certain like arguments that we would have. We'd have that we have them here and there. We're people, right? We're parents. Anyone in a co-parenting and/or just parenting with your husband, your boyfriend, it's hard, you know. It that these things are gonna happen. So we've had little arguments here and there, but it hasn't affected me like the way it affected me last week. And that's kind of what you're talking about. It seeps in and it just like kind of just took over, like it just took over my entire body, my my head space. Thursday, I had decided that I wasn't gonna compete because I just mentally I wasn't there. That conversation or that argument that we had just really hit like hit me hard. It hit me like a truck. I was super emotional. I tried to go to hot yoga in the morning to try to be intentional, try to like breathe it out, I sweat it out, just let that negative energy out. And I found myself leaving hot yoga and crying, crying in my car, and I was like, I can't do it. I can't do it. I'm just gonna, you know, I'm not gonna compete. I called my coach and I was like, hey, I'm I'm not, I can't do this. You know, I explained briefly, hey, what's going on? Like, I'm just feeling like my brain emotionally is not there, and I don't want to go into this competition with my head somewhere else, and then I I get hurt or I lose really bad, and then now I'm discouraged to compete again, or just not showing up for myself. You know, my coach Nick Bowley's one of the best people on this earth. Like he's one of my best friends. Him and his wife, Thais. I spoke to both of them on different different occasions, like different instances. I talked to one person, then I talked to another person, and they were all super supportive. They said, do what you need to do. You know, family comes first, all these things. But at the end of the day, do what's right for you because don't you don't want to walk away from a situation and regret not doing it over something that you have somewhat of a control over. Right now it's just emotional. They kind of like calm me down, you know what I mean? I was just like, uh just you know, emotionally wrecked. And so I have these conversations with them, and I'm like, okay, yeah. I had already decided in my head it's not happening. I hang up and I get home from tr from hot yoga, I start taking a shower, I get out, and I end up booking. Uh I was gonna pick up my daughter the next day. So I I booked, I bought two tickets to watch Mandalorian and Grogu with my daughter at four o'clock, which was the time that I was supposed to compete at. And I feel like I didn't do it on purpose, but I feel like subconsciously I did that on purpose, right? And I start thinking of the day goes on, and I was like, you know what? Why am I not gonna compete? Why, why am I limiting myself because of what someone is saying to me? Things, things that really aren't true, they're not true. What this person is saying to me, they're not true. That's not who I am. I know who I am. My daughter knows who I am. My family, people that care about me know who I am. And this narrative that this person's creating is that's not who I am. And and you know what? If there's anything I need to learn from this, is I need to show my daughter that even through hard times, we gotta go up, we gotta show up for ourselves. And so I cancel the tickets to Mandalorian, and then I called my coach and I called Thais and I said, Hey, I'm doing it. Let's send it, let's go. I'm ready, whatever, let's do it. And, you know, now in retrospect, I look back at it and like, what would have happened had I not done it? I would have regretted it. You know, uh, my daughter is so pumped that I won. She was like, Oh my god, you know, it's just it's just it's it's weird how we we think that we're okay, and then something small happens and that kind of takes over your entire Your mental headspace, your physical, like you're just everything. And it you're just like, dang, I thought we were good. I thought I had figured this out. And then something small happens, and then you're you realize, man, there's so much more work I need to do, right? But I think that uh for that, it's just being able to push through it, compete, win, and and then all right, what's next? You know? Okay, I love a good competition story. How many matches, how to go, how to try because gold, you girl, you like did it. Like, can you imagine not going? You wouldn't have your shiny medal. It's more than a medal. You're right. Really? Also, like it's set that the feeling, and you're up there. And then it was uh so nerve-wracking. I was I should I hadn't competed since Worlds, which was in December. So this was my first competition back this year. And man, that competitions always make me nervous. But that first one back after a long break. Oh my god, Emily, I wanted to throw up from like the minute I woke up. I got to the arena and I was like, oh no, this why did I do this? I could just I could be watching Mandalorian and Groby right now. I don't need to be here. You know, just trying to get into that headspace, and I was just so nervous, shaking, sweating. I couldn't eat. I had weighed in, everything was great, and I could have eaten, you know, I hadn't eaten the night before, and I could not stomach anything. I brought myself a croissant and I couldn't, I couldn't, I tried to buy it and I was like, nope, nope, can't do it. It wasn't until I got into the warm-up like room I saw my couple of my friends, Ashley Reyes from Ohm Jiu Jitsu. I saw her and she's like, hey, let's go, let's go warm up. And I was like, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then, you know, she brought over her friends and we start flowing, we were warming up, and I'm like, you know what? It's gonna be fine. I know jujitsu a little bit, you know, it's gonna be fine. We'll be fine. So I kind of just kind of started zoning in, and then I heard that 3:30, go to the bullpen, and I was like, oh no, what did I do? So by that time I go to the bullpen, and then I see my coach, and he's like, hey, let's let's do what we came to do. And I was like, okay, yeah, let's do that. Let's do that. Let's do what we came to do. So I mean, I had two matches. Uh, the first one I won by a rear-naked choke, which is the first time I've gotten a rear-naked choke in a tournament. Normally it's an arm bar. Armbars are my favorite submission, so it was nice to get a different one. Um, and then the second match was just so hard. She, this is someone I've competed against since Bluebelt. So she's been in my division. Bluebell was the last time I saw her. I haven't competed against her in purple belt. Her name is Celeste, and she's just I watched her first match. I had the bye. So I watched her first match and I watched this girl cartwheel pass, and I was like, oh my god. I looked at my coach and I was like, did you see that? Like, what? Oh, I was like, oh man, this is gonna be a tough one. You know, I already knew she was tough. I remember her from Blue Belt. I've seen her compete before. Um, she's one of my friends now, so I mean, we've known each other for I think six years now, four or five, six years. So I watched her and I was like, oh crap, this is gonna be hard. So we go in there and I I mean, I saw her cartwheel pass. I saw her try to wrestle, and I was like, yeah, I'm gonna pull guard right away. I'm not gonna try to wrestle with her. So we, you know, slap bump, I sit down right away, and she starts. Man, her passing is so, so clean, clean passing, and I'm freaking out, like, oh my god, please retain guard. You know, that one ended up going to ref's decision. Um, she was tough to submit. I had a Troy bar entry, could not finish it. I ended up trying to take her back from that. And it was the longest, I think five or six minutes of my life, and I was so exhausted. I was so glad it was over. So I won by ref's decisions. I think it's just based on the attack, attacking a submission a little bit more, but that was it was a great match. It showed me where I'm at in my jujitsu because I'm looking at her like someone at her skill level. She's just so clean with her jujitsu that it made me feel good to be able to compete and be competitive with someone like her. But yeah, it was, I mean, it I was just like, thank God it's over, and thank God I won. Because I don't know if I could do a third one. I was so tired. I got off the mats and I was just, I was like, thank you, coach. And I sat down and I was like, oh my God, I can't feel my arms, I can't feel my legs. So it's a it's a great feeling. It's an unmatched feeling. So anyone that's never competed before, even win or lose, going in there and being able to do that, put yourself out there like that, it's such a it's such a rewarding feeling. Well, and you've been so smart about it. You've been getting ready to for this point. Like you've gone to class and you're like, this is this is gonna be like a comp prep roll. And so you're asking everybody to really turn up the heat and you're mentally getting there because it's not something to think like the wave of emotions that you felt going into it is wild, but you've also had this couple of months getting ready for this moment. So the positive momentum was there, and then all of a sudden, oh no, but like to rise above that, like to it's fun to listen to you wreath telling the story because that's like when you know the ending before the book ends, you're like, I know it's gonna happen, it's gonna turn out okay. I just don't know how. And so that's really exciting that you were so successful. Thank God. I mean, win or lose, I would have learned something from it, right? You always do in competition and in and in life, right? You win or lose or whatever kind of you know, obstacles that life brings, you you learn something out of it. But in this that week in particular, I'm really glad I won. I think I needed that one for my ego, for my mental health. It just it was a good ending to the week. I when I ended up picking up my daughter. We ended up watching Mandalorian and Grogu, and I was like, oh man, this is it. Like, we did it. We're good. It's all gonna be fine, you know. Let's carry on. Let's what's next for next week? Let's sign up for the next one. I signed up for two more. Of course you did. Yeah, I did. I was like, all right, I'm ready. Let's go, let's do it. What could you have told yourself last week that would have made it? Is there something you could have said to yourself that kind of would have put your mind at ease? Or because you know how sometimes we look back and if I would have heard like this wisdom, or did everything play out the way it was supposed to? Or do you think you could have given yourself a different kind of pep talk? Or uh, you know what? I'm I'm a strong believer that everything happened the way it was supposed to happen. And I think what my coach told me over the phone when I called him to tell him I was gonna do it was what really kind of cemented it for me. He said, like, you have to show up for yourself. And that's I think had he not said that, I don't know that I would have been maybe that's what I would have told myself, you have to show up for yourself. But I think the way it happened, him telling me that and me hearing it, and and he used my daughter as an example. You want to be able to show your daughter that you can show up when things are hard, and that's you know, she has no clue what was going on, what's you know, I'm not gonna share that with her, but being able to persevere and show up and and do it in the way that exactly it happened, I I mean, that was I couldn't have predicted it better, right? I think it it happened the way it needed to happen, and I don't know that I would have found that inner strength to tell myself, now I see it in retrospective. I'm like, yeah, come on, let's show up for myself, right? But that day I was like, no. And then later on, I kind of reasoned with myself. I just an emotional roller coaster that day and and then figured it out. And I said, Yeah, I I gotta show up for myself. I I have to show up for myself. I think one of the most challenging things as a mother is balancing the brain talk, where if I do something for myself, it's for my children too. It's not selfish. It's a if I am completely selfless and I turn invisible, what am I teaching them? And I have to come to terms with that yes, I'm I'm doing it for me, but I'm doing it for all of us. And it's just that all-encompassing and to find again a piece of it can be really tricky because sometimes my head tells me really mean things about that. Like you should be doing this thing instead. But the dividends that pay off in the long run are just way more important than any of those other mean things I'm saying. I'm so glad you said that because that was the biggest thing that I had. The issue that I had was am I selfish for doing this? Should I go and compete or should I go and take my daughter to watch Mandalorian and Grogu? And I'm like, wait, there's you know, at that time, I'm like, of course, go do that with your daughter. Like, what do you mean you're gonna go stand in a competition for three hours and you know, be somewhat miserable because you're trying to make weight and all these things. But now, like, once I calm down, I realize there is room to do both. And in doing both, I'm like you said, you're doing you're not, I'm not just doing it for myself, I'm doing it for my team, right? My daughter, my family, my gym team, my coaches, like all this work that they put into me. So I'm I'm just glad you said that. Because it's we as parents, especially mothers, I think, and I'm sure fathers have their own, you know, they go through their own um head thoughts, I guess. But for mothers, I think the biggest thing that I've struggled, struggled with or is that those little things in my head that I keep repeating myself that I make myself feel guilty over choosing myself sometimes. And I think it's like a constant struggle and a constant battle that I have to keep reminding myself. And when I talk to different women that are moms and I try to convince them to jujitsu, I tell them this part. If you do not put, if we don't put ourselves first, no one else will. If I am not at a hundred percent, how can I expect to be at a hundred percent for my daughter? If mentally, physically I'm not here and ready to go, I'm not gonna be ready to go for her. And that's like the biggest, it's almost like a like a blow to her for me not to be able to put like for me not putting myself in front of in like to be selfless sometimes, right? To make sure I get my workouts in, to make sure I'm eating healthy, to make sure I make that 6 p.m. training when you know we could be home watching a movie on TV, right? But sometimes those 6 p.m. trainings, that's what I needed because I'm stressed over work, I'm stressed over parenting, I'm stressed over, you know, this person said this to me, this a driver honked at me. What did I do wrong? You know, small things that really don't matter, but that's kind of where you get it gone. You you you have to be able to use something to let go of things, right? To your reset button in that 6 p.m. classes, that's my reset button, and I need that. So yeah. Yeah, I I feel that especially with the single mom thing and the co-parenting thing. Like I did not sign up in this life to be a part-time parent. And so I take the time I have with them very seriously, and I really try my best to be available, present, all of those things as much as possible. And I recognize one or two nights a week, if I can skip to class, I can't do it six days a week when I have them. It's just not possible. One, they need to be driven around places, I need to be there for it, but also I have to find that balance because when they're not here, all I want to do is be with them. And then when they're here and thinking, oh my gosh, but also what what else is supposed to be going on? And so I'm just trying to see this works now. I'm not gonna beat myself up over not being able to do more. But I also don't want to look back and say, gosh, I'm in I don't want to say this shape, but really, women, we are preparing for the life that we're going to have in our 60s, 70s, 80s. I want to still be able to play with grandchildren one day or run around or do my own laundry without worrying about throwing my back out. There's a lot of benefits that we're doing by doing the hard things now. Yeah, a hundred percent. A hundred percent. I mean, I I get that entirely because it's a 50-50 schedule, right? So the days I do have her, do I need to go train? No, I don't need to. I don't need to. Could I go home and or take her to the movies? And sometimes I will. More now, more recently, I will, because I I'll be there tomorrow, no problem. But some days I'm like, oh, you know what? Someone uh I invited someone to the gym and we're gonna go and train there. And I feel like at the same time, her being in that environment, I feel like it's one of the best things that I could do for her. Meeting the people that we've met, both at my old gym and currently at Kobo, I I feel like she's learning so much from so many different people. And they say this, and it's true. It takes a village to raise children, it takes a village. So if my village is full of strong, motivated people with different that, like we said this in the beginning. I don't know, you know, what your career is. You don't know what my career is, but as we start talking and you know, we're in conversation, it's after training, we're drinking water, whatever, these things come up, and then now my daughter's hearing about women in being professors, being teachers, lawyers, doctors, fighters, and she's around that. And it's like, I want her to be able to see that her the world is for oysters, she can be whatever she wants to be, and she's in a in a position where she can ask questions because she's surrounded by so many great people and and just such great influences. And I think that in a sense, there I mean, part of me is like you're just saying that to convince yourself it's okay, but on the outside, I'm like, you know what? No, it is a good thing for her to be in that environment because these are the people that are are helping me in a in a way, in a small way, they're helping me raise my daughter, they're resources that she can later use in life. And there's people, it's people she loves to see. She loves going to the gym, she loves seeing these people, and she gets excited to be there. So I'm like, okay, maybe I'm not doing this thing all wrong, you know, but it's it takes a little negotiating in my own head. Well, and I think giving women a space to be feisty and to be tough, and I don't want to scary sounds funny, but we're generally, you know, if you look at the influency social media things, like dainty and feminine and soft spoken. And then to go to a place and y'all, the the women that I get to roll with and the respect respect the men can have and the trust that's built there, it is really exciting to see. I think of like Laura at the gym. And you're you're so tough. Both of y'all like just tie me up seven ways of Tuesday. But it's it's so cool to see that that women that embrace that fire and know it's okay. It's not something that we have to put in a little box. We can be spicy and we can come out in the mat and we can try really hard. Like my youngest, I'll bring him sometimes because the other two are older and all over the place. He's 13. I'm like inching my way into getting him into high school wrestling, and then that's gonna be my gateway to getting him into jujitsu. Yeah, perfect. And and so he's like watching from the side. I'm like, Did you see me get walloped? He's like, Yeah. I asked my daughter that too. Did you just watch Laura beat my butt right now? And she's like, Yeah. I'm like, Well, you better listen to me, or I'm gonna have a Laura beat your butt. And everybody had their own styles. I love like the control that you've had. I know I've talked to you about this before. And it's the only sport where you can call a woman heavy. And it's like, uh, yeah. But you feel really formidable like when you're on top control or down. It is you like the your points of contact. It's not like there's a weakness where I'm like, oh, I can take advantage of like the right arm because that's nowhere it is, but you're like pin, pin, pin, pin. Okay, there's now I'm under huge compliment, huge compliment. Yeah, it's so cool. Uh so when I I I keep like bringing it back to the beginning because you've had such a career in it. Did you give yourself justice? You told her you have to stick to white belt or to a blue belt. Did you ever think I don't know about this, but I'm gonna give myself a month or I'm gonna give myself a year, or not even having to give yourself sometimes. I write myself a contract because it just gets me consistent. Did you have to think about things like that? No, no, no, no. I I took like a brief break and then COVID happened. So that was like the break that I had, and after that, I hit it head first and I was in it, and I and I there's no turning back. There's nothing like there's nothing in my head. I don't have to negotiate that for myself. Luckily, you know, I I just I love it so much. Just the sport in general, the discipline that it's provided me, because I feel like for my personality type, if I'm in a routine and I'm disciplined, I am at my most like successful as an adult, as a you know, employee, as a mom, as a friend, in a relationship. I feel like if I have a routine and I know that after work, I have one hour to get to jujitsu. I train, I go home, I shower, I I eat, and then I go to sleep or whatever, I watch a movie. If I'm in that routine, I know I'm successful. So I've never really had to, oh, let me try it one more month. I fell in love with it so quickly. I mean, as soon as I got my blue belt, that was it. Like, I think that turned everything, that year changed everything for me as like uh who I was before. Because I was still very depressed when I when I was training. I was I would walk in, train, leave. I didn't talk to anyone. I did it's which is crazy now to think about that at some point I was such a different person. Like it's crazy to me now, and people that knew me back then, they also they could tell you the same thing. It's kind of wild that you were quiet at some point, you know what I mean? And it is it is wild because I am not a quiet person and I I feel like I can be quiet, but once I'm very comfortable with people, I'm very I'm I can be loud and I I'm always have something to say or I'm always you know shooting. Am I allowed to curse here? Go for it. I'm shooting the shit, I'm always shooting the shit with someone, so it's so it's I don't know. I I luckily I never had that. Uh for me, and I think my personality type, I I that wouldn't work well for me trying to convince myself, right? Because if it's something that I don't like or don't care for, I'll just be like, that's it. I I tried, it's over, and that's it. But luckily, jujitsu, I just it was I don't know. I just it came to me at the at a right moment, and and I'm I'm glad to be where I'm at now with this journey, right? Because it's a it's a journey for everyone. Absolutely. And it's you've always been so friendly. Like walking in the door, you are very accepting. I'm curious if that is how you are, just naturally as a person. Is that shaped by your past experiences of depression and those like dark head thoughts? Do you do you see that opportunity to share that with others, or is just who you are? Does that make sense? Because sometimes like being a steward of a of a sport or of a something, like I'll say, like, I got a lot out of it, and so I'm gonna reach out and really help the new people find that. But sometimes it's just so safe, it's just who we are. I don't know that I wish I could say that's just who I am. I really wish I could. But there are days where I feel so awkward, and I say this a lot, and some people are like, You awkward? And I'm like, trust me, yeah. If you knew what was going on through my head, you'd be like, oh my god, girl, figure this out. Because there are days where I'm like, oh my god, hi, hello, welcome. Do you want to train? Do you do you want to be friends? Like, what's your Instagram? You know, and then there are days where I'm like, oh, hi, cool. Like, I just won't be as open as I I guess could be. And I I don't know if it's just uh it's the day. If I had a good day, if I had a bad day. I don't know if it's just like maybe the energy I'm reading off the person that I'm like, oh, that doesn't look like someone that wants to be approached, or maybe they feel just as awkward as I do, and I'm awkward, so if I go, I'm gonna make this more awkward, you know what I mean? So it's like, and I tend to do that a lot. I make things awkward so quickly. It's it's so silly. But it's I I really I think I am striving to be more of that person. I want to say that is the type of person that I am. I want to be able to like I want people to be able to say that when they walk in and I'm so nice and this is me all the time, but I know that it's not me all the time because if I had a bad day, I'll probably be a little more quiet than I normally would have been, right? But for women's open mats, that is who I am. Any women's open mat, I that is who I am because I'm like, oh my god, women, girls, yes, let's train, you know, let's get sweaty, let's be people beat each other up, you know. So it I guess it just depends. It just depends. But I am striving to be more of that person. I find like I've been I've done different organized things. I did improv for a while, and I've done I did karate and I did soccer and I've done ever other sports, I've done club things, and every place kind of has its own community. And we talk time and time and again about the vulnerability and trust that comes from jujitsu. And so you can form those relationships faster. I struggle when at like a new gym because every gym has that culturally piece. Some are super tight knit. There's like the in kids and the out kids, some it's like super formal, like you kind of don't know. The situation, and in my life, I've been like in my teens and childhood years, I've always I've been a big personality, and it's not always well received. And I think time and time again as a child or a teen, whatever, being told you're being too much has like really dampened that jump in mentality. Cause I'm like, what kind of person should I be right now? And so, like on the mats, it's been easy enough because like as long as you can find a partner, you can kind of disappear into the anonymity. But it's like the before and after class thing. I think before class is easier because it's like three, four minutes where you have to like stretch next to somebody else and be like, so how are those dodgers? Or the ducks or whoever name inserts 14 here. And then, but the after part can be tricky because you're like, How long do people stay? What else are people doing? Is this like a hangout time? It's you just kind of find your way, but also I think I just think way too much about it. No, I'm the same way. I am your classic overthinker. I am thinking the same thing, trust me. I'm like, do I stay? Am I overstaying? Am I leaving too early? Do they think I'm mean? You know what I mean? It's like it's I get it. It's and it's always harder when you're walking into a new gym, you know, because after a while you've you've already created that that sense of community at your old gym or wherever it is that you're at. You have your friends, you know who you're training with, you have your partner, and then you kind of leave that place and you go into you step into a new, you know, environment and you're like, who's my friend? You know, who will like me? And that's it. I mean, that happened when I left my old gym. I I met Nick at OCRTC, and luckily I already knew Gina and Laura there, so I felt comfortable with them. But as you know, we started continuing to train, they got pregnant, so they left the gym, and now I'm walking in. There was a day I walked into the gym and I knew no one, and I was like, oh, hi everyone. Like, you know, and it's like starting all over. But I think that's one of the good things that comes out of jujitsu is that we are constantly putting ourselves in uncomfortable positions. And I feel like when you do that, that's when the growth just comes all the way out, and you're like, you learn about yourself, right? I I've learned so much that I'm very awkward. That, you know, sometimes I'm like, okay, I let it get to my head and I'm like quiet the whole time. Or I'm like, you know what? I'm gonna say hello, I'm gonna talk to this person, I'm gonna ask them to roll, and it's gonna be fine. And then it it always is, it always is, but it's that classic overthinker where I'm like, oh my god, they hate me. I was I too rough, was I too soft? Like it's a weird, and I think we we as women we do it so much more. We like men are like, oh, I'm just here, you know what I mean? And we're like, oh my god, do I smell? Did I have enough water today? You know, it's a weird thing. I always worry if my breath smells. And I'm like, I use a therapy mouthwash, whatever that is supposed to last for 12 hours. You like throw the gum in, and then there's that meme where it's like you get in the car after a social situation, you're like, mmm, not my best interaction. Exactly. I rethink, I rethink every conversation I had, and I was like, oh my god, that was the worst. I did not need to do that. I did not need to say that. And it's kind of funny, like being the new person too. Sometimes it's nice just to like show up and I'm not chummy enough to like be yapping too much during the role studies because we don't have anything to talk about. So we actually drill more, and then I get to I roll, roll, roll, and then I leave, and that's okay too. It's not everybody needs it for it to be their end all be-all. Sometimes we prefer one class over the other, one's instructor over the other, one gym over the other. And I like the idea that we can get what we need out of it. And some people are die hard, like some Gracie Baja people are like live and die. That system because it works for them, it feels safe for them. That's what they love. They have a very specific program and vision. Other people hop all over the place. Some gyms require matching ghese, other ones, it's just like a free-for-all, you know. Some instructors don't like you to go to other places, and some are like, cool, what did you learn? Tell me about it. Yeah, it's fun. Yeah. Yeah, I love that. So I told you the conversation would like kind of like take on its own life, and it's really nice. Yeah, yeah. So you competed, you just signed up for two. What do you see the next couple years of your jujitsu looking like? I mean, I hope it's just being healthy enough and you know, injury-free to be able to continue to train the way I do. I used to be able to train six days a week, and I have not been able to do that for some time. So I'd like to eventually get back to at least five consistent days a week lifting, because I used to do that too. I want to get stronger. I'd like my goal is to get a brown belt, you know, within the year. From here to next year, I'd I'd really am aiming for the brown belt. But I mean, those are just like small goals that we set for ourselves, right? At the end of the day, I could be a purple belt for the next four years and I'd be very happy. I love purple belt. I don't want to go anywhere. I think I just want to continue to learn, find the holes in my game and and fix them. But I feel like with jujitsu, I think with the life I've had in my journey, a lot of my jujitsu like stuff has translated to my actual life. So I want it to keep translating to my actual life. I want the struggles that I'm facing, small struggles in jiu-jitsu, like, oh, I can't pass this person's guard. Oh, how do I talk to this person so that they don't feel like I'm arguing with them? You know what I mean? Like I'm using it on and off the mats, small, small skills on and off the mats to help me navigate life, right? Because I'm I'm still figuring out. I'm 33 years old, but I'm still every day, I'm like, hmm, what could I do better? You know what I mean? And that's overall, it's just we're just I'm just trying to be the best version of myself so that my daughter sees the best version of myself so that when she grows up, she wants to be the best version of herself, you know? So I'm just hoping that it kind of stays the same. I learn a little bit more, I lock in a little bit more, especially with these competitions coming up. Hopefully stay healthy enough to keep keep competing because I do enjoy, I enjoy I enjoy competing so much. And just, you know, staying healthy. I think the biggest at my at my ripe old age, staying healthy is the biggest one, you know. Like you you mentioned it and it's true. Doing laundry, I'm like, my back is killing me. And that's one whole day of laundry, I'm not even done. So I just staying healthy, trying to make sure that I'm focused on recovery work as well. Because I think sometimes we're go, go, go, go, go, and we don't really realize, hey, I should probably take 20 minutes a day to stretch, just stretch. Or maybe I'd go for a walk, right? A little like mental health walk, just get your body moving. It doesn't always have to be, you know, so hard, uh, hard training or anything like that. So I'm just kind of hoping it kind of stays the same and I stay healthy. I think I heard I've heard the phrase thrown around a few times. Like it's hard. Being at the gym six days, like the the workload you want for jujitsu to accomplish that, to feel very well-rounded is hard. But also like coming home from work exhausted, sitting on the couch, grabbing my taco del taco right next to the house, and like eating till I'm uncomfortable, ending with a movie, going to bed and not sleeping well, that's hard. Like, choose your hard. You know, being with your being a mom and being home with my kids all the time is hard. It's good for us sometimes to have a break from each other, you know. But it's the path we choose is not easy, but I also wouldn't want it to be. I agree. I feel like I said it earlier, you know, everything that's happened in my life, I would not have changed it anyway. Even the hard stuff, even the really nasty stuff. It's made me who I am today. And I feel like I this is the I love who I am today. I there's days where I'm like, you know, I don't know about this, Jennifer. I'm really tired of this. But at the end of the day, I feel like this version of who I am now is someone that I'm proud of. And I I I genuinely love myself, and I'm I'm glad that I'm in the situation that I'm in or the position that I'm in, and I feel like I'm where I'm supposed to be, and it's because of all those hard things that I went through, and I I wouldn't have it any other way. It's so exciting to see those little wins and look back and it's like, look at look at that, look what I just did. Exactly, yeah. I think what is that? A big thing of yeah, like the people pleaser in me and the imposter syndrome in me has really struggled with the idea of being good enough. And I think in jujitsu, we are consistently thinking about do I earn this rank? Am I do I did I deserve that medal? Did I deserve to even train amongst these people? And so lately my mindset has shifted. Like I don't need to bother not bother people. That's not the right word. I'll reframe that. I don't need to keep asking for validation that I deserve to be here. I am here, and unless I hear otherwise, just run with that narrative because it's true. And so taking up that space, it's working out. I'm seeing the benefits, and your daughter is happy, healthy, thriving. That's something to say within itself that yes, that's working out. Yeah, it's I mean, that is a constant struggle, right? Am I good enough in every aspect? Career, jujitsu, mom, friend, partner. Like it's such it's such a weird thing, like a narrative, right, to have in your head, and it's having that internal battle, telling yourself, reminding yourself, you are worthy of the like you are supposed to be here. And it's you have to keep reminding yourself, like all of us do. We're all we're we're where we're supposed to be, and until we hear otherwise, we'll argue about it at that time because we'll have a good argument on why I'm supposed to be here. But yeah. I love that so much. That seems like a perfect spot for us to start closing that. I'm so okay. So when are your next tournaments? I'm gonna be doing American Nationals end of June in Vegas. That's why I'm I'm a little nervous for that one. And then I'm gonna do the jujitsu World League in August. I don't have anything for July yet. I haven't found one in July, but I'll try to compete in July. I'm gonna try to do one a month at least. And then I'm still kind of deciding on whether or not I want to do master worlds in the gi. I tend to only compete in O Gee, and I think it's time to get back down to my roots of the ghee. I love the gi, but the gi does not like me. Man, the gi. I have this internal, you know, when you like it's a cat, right? You love the cat, you want to be around that cat, and the cat's like, no, not you. And then sometimes it's like, okay, maybe, and then it's like, never mind. And that's like with the gi. I'm like, some days I have really good days, and I'm like, oh my god, I could do it. And then I have really bad days where I'm like, oh my god, I need like two more years of key training to even think about competing in the game. But I actually talked to someone about it today, and they told me, hey, each competition is just collecting data. And I'm like, yeah, you know what? That's all it is. So why not? Why not do it? So, but those are the main two that I'm focused on right now. So American National is a little bit more because it's coming up soon. So I need to cut a little bit of weight for that one. I need to really refine my game a little bit because my first match I didn't know what I was gonna do. I'm like, oh, let's just figure it out as we go. And that did not work out well. I it was a lot, it's like a messy start to begin with, and I was like, oh, I don't want to do that again. So really, really figure out my game, which I already know is pulling guard. So making sure I do it the right way and set up my game and play my game as opposed to playing theirs. That sounds like a good life lesson right there, too. Yeah, I love that. Well, Jen, thank you so much for talking with me today and sharing your story. That was a really fun one to get to know someone that I get to see. Yeah, I know it's weird because you know we're not having life conversation. I mean, we have conversations on the mats here and there. How was your day? What'd you do? But really getting back to the background of people and who they are, I think it's such I mean, I love that you do this. I I've learned I'm learning so many different things about people that I know. Like you were interviewing people I know, and I'm like, oh man, that's so cool. I didn't know that, you know? And it's like such a good conversation starter, and it's just nice to know people outside of just that jujitsu life, right? Because there's so much that goes on in the background. And I mean, you hear it all the time, right? You never know what someone's going through and or what they've been through, or you know, and everyone has something to share, and everyone has something to learn from someone else. So it's nice to be able to talk about that stuff, and I thank you for even thinking about me to do this. I, you know, you asked me, and I thought to myself, oh man, I no one wants to hear what I had to say. Like, and then I thought, you know what? Emily does, and at least it's a conversation with Emily, and I'm down for that. So if someone else enjoys it or gets a laugh out of it, then fine, but at least me and Emily got a laugh out of it. There, there's people in Sweden that listen to these. I've been on all seven, I can't say eight continents because no one's in Australia in um Antarctica, but there's people in New Zealand and Ethiopia and Uruguay. And there are people I don't even there's someone in Texas that listens to a lot of them. I'm like, who's in Texas? So awesome. Okay, so we're reaching someone. Someone's gonna hear us. Singapore. I had a bunch, I had a big hub in Vietnam for a little bit there. Nice. Who knew? I'll know what's going on, but it's fun. So you're gonna be worldwide pretty soon. All right, that's it. Love it. All right, thank you so much for talking today, Jen. All right, thank you. My shout-out this week goes to comps, to competitions. You might love them, you might hate them, but gosh, they're a great way to see what you're made of, to see where your strengths are, who you are just that day, what patterns you might fall into. It's nice to have a lot of extra eyes helping you go over footage. It's a nice chance to step outside your comfort zone. I think we should all do at least one in our lives. So get out there, find a comp near you. Thank you so much, everyone, for listening to this episode of Emily's Pajama Party. A huge thank you goes to Jen for sharing her story with so much honesty and courage. I hope this conversation reminds people that strength doesn't always look loud. Sometimes it looks like rebuilding, showing up, setting boundaries, and continuing forward one step at a time. Before we close out, I want to say this. If you are in a relationship or situation where you feel unsafe, controlled, isolated, or afraid, you are not alone and help is available. Reaching out for support can feel overwhelming, especially when you've been carrying everything quietly for a long time. But you deserve safety, support, and a life when you can fully be yourself. Whether that's talking to a trusted friend, family member, therapist, advocate, or a hotline, you do not have to navigate it alone. And if today's conversation resonated with you personally, I hope it reminds you that healing and rebuilding are possible one step at a time. So remember, stay cozy. I'll see you on the mats, and don't forget, you matter.