EPP: Meet Stephanie (More Than A Diagnosis)

Living with a mental condition can often feel like a barrier to pursuing passions and interests. However, it's essential to recognize that these conditions do not have to dictate your journey. In this episode, we explore how to overcome the belief that your mental health limits your capabilities and share strategies for pursuing what you love, no matter the obstacles. Stephanie was diagnosed with Epilepsy halfway through her jiujitsu career. She was able to adjust and be flexible with her training and is now a black belt (and a force to be reckoned with on and off the mat). After talking with her, I am ready to train like a big dawg too!

Transcript

Copy Transcript Copied

SPEAKER_00 0:30

Hi everyone, welcome to Emily's Pan Pajama Party. My name is Emily, and I'm so glad you're here. I started this little podcast as a way to meet fantastic women, hear some stories, learn some things, and grow in my own understanding of jujitsu, as well as spreading the fun and joy of it to make it possible for all that want to try it to have a little safe space to start. So sit along with me as we listen to some things, learn a couple things, and hopefully share a few laughs. The first little section is a gift to me every week. I talk about a skill or a focus or something to think about that's going to make me better as a jiu-jitsu practitioner. So this is really hits close to home and learning to stay focused when you feel discouraged. This might honestly be one of the hardest things for me to learn because as a blue belt, it's so easy to feel frustrated and humbled and just feel so slow. And I have to remember I know enough to realize how much I don't know. And improvement can often look like consistency despite discouragement. That's where real grapplers are made, the one to stick through past the initial and find a love in the failure, and sometimes very, very little growth, maybe some plateaus, maybe falling back before I can stumble forward. So this is my little reminder to myself when I listen to it that all things are possible if I just keep my head down in the game and get through because jujitsu is fun and it's worth it and may save my life one day. My guest this week is a fantastic black belt named Stephanie. She has so much to her story. She has a background in fitness. She lives in Hawaii. She's like a firecracker, and she has a medical condition that could be, in some people's eyes, a bit of a challenge with jujitsu. So a couple years ago, Stephanie was diagnosed with epilepsy. And a little spoiler alert, she got her black belt after that diagnosis. She figured out a way to thrive both on and off the mats. I know I said a lot, sound locally safe, but it's true. Jiu-Jitsu forces issues sometimes that would take years or things to cover up. We face it on real time when we're on the mats. So I love her story. I love her enthusiasm. I love her realness and directness because life is gritty, life is messy, it doesn't always look like what you expect, but we can still find so much joy and we can carve out our own areas of success and happiness despite whatever challenges we might have in front of us. So maybe you have a medical condition that you're kind of makes you a little anxious or something. You might not have the same thing or have just the same challenges that she has, but Stephanie gave me hope for my future and what life might look like. So listen in as I talk with my friend Stephanie. So, Stephanie, welcome to the podcast. I'm so glad you're here. Thank you for having me. For listeners meeting you for the first time, tell us a little bit about yourself.

SPEAKER_01 3:47

Okay, so uh my name is Stephanie. I am a mom, a wife, a coach. Um, I train jujitsu and I live in Hawaii. I'm on Oahu out here on the North Shore. So, what brought you to jujitsu? So before jujitsu, I had been training as a strength and conditioning coach, and I had been inspired to become somewhat of a competitive athlete to benefit the success of my business. And I had always been drawn to fighting, I had always had a desire to do some sort of martial arts or something that had to do with violence or fighting. So I had been introduced to Muay Thai, and I did Muay Thai for a number of years and bounced around from Muay Thai gym to Muay Thai gym, and it just seemed like there was nothing ever really solid in that community out here, and then I just found myself without a gym for a long period of time, and I had nothing, like, but there was a really solid jujitsu community, and so for a long time I just I was kind of resisting it, and I really wanted to be in something competitive, and I just kind of put it out into the universe. I was like, okay, I have this open schedule. My son was starting school, he was going into kindergarten, and I put it out into the universe. I was like, okay, I have this open schedule, I am willing to drive anywhere. I am willing to start something new. I want to be competitive. I was already pretty athletic. Um I was wanted, I was like, I'm willing to do Monday through Friday full time. I wanted to do something from like I was like nine to twelve and just point me in the right direction. And for whatever reason, I just kept getting pushed to this jujitsu gym, which started to annoy me. And somebody told me this gym was gonna have a Muay Thai class, and I was like, okay, this is like what's this is it, finally a Muay Thai class. And I went to the gym and they were like, no Muay Thai class, but we have a jujitsu class from 9 to 11, Monday through Friday, and I was like, uh, okay, fine, I'll do it. And that was like I had nothing else, like nothing had come up, like nothing came up in except for this. And there had been another like a few other things that had said, go to this gym, go to this gym, check it out, this coach, this opportunity, whatever. But that was it. I was like, fine, fine. I was like with big eye roll, and I did it. That was my final commitment. I was like, I'll try it. And I walked in and I gave it a go. And jokes on me, because that was 10 years ago. And here I am.

SPEAKER_00 7:16

I love that it's so specific to the universe because some people like point me in the right direction, let me see a sign. And you're like, I have criteria, and this is what it has to be. And the universe is like, check, check, check, check. Oh, wait, you wanted muay thai? I can't do that. I'll just give you everything else so you don't really have a choice. That's so funny.

SPEAKER_01 7:34

Like, fully tricked, like in retrospect, like I remember finding out there was a Mua Thai coach that had gone in and was trying to like sublease something in there, and like they were like, No way, this is a jujitsu gym, we're not gonna do that. And so I live in a small town, and it was just like we call it the coconut wireless, like, had spread this rumor, but whatever that rumor was had got to me and totally tricked me. Totally tricked me.

SPEAKER_00 8:05

So you were doing like the Mui Thai, you're like, I like the combat stuff. What made you stick around? Because it's one thing to say, like, I'm gonna try it for a couple months because then I can get it under my belt. And because frankly, like you can say, like, oh, I do this a little bit and then use that as part of it. But did you fall in love with it? Was it something that you're like, oh, I never knew I needed this? How did it work for you?

SPEAKER_01 8:29

Um, no, I still don't know if I love it. I am I it's just like this thing that I've made a deal with myself. I make deals with myself. So when I started it, I made a deal with myself. I said, you have to do this for six months, and then you have to compete, and then you can decide whether or not this is gonna be for you. And that's what I did. I I was training pretty like I think I was going like four to five times a week. I I had nothing else going on during the days. My classes that I coached were at night, and I was going full time, and I did a my first tournament at six months, and I did terrible in my tournament. I did horrible, and but I was hooked at at that point. I don't know if I loved it, but I was hooked, and yeah, I was like, oh, okay, I'm gonna do this. There was no part of me at that point where I was like, okay, this isn't for me, let me try something else. Um, at that point, I was like, okay, we're gonna do this. And that was my commitment. Ever since then, it's just been a part of my life and still is.

SPEAKER_00 9:47

So that's that's a lot to like come to terms with. You're like, I'm gonna try for six months. Oh well, I failed a lot, but I love it, so I'm gonna stick around. And then like one to skip a few, 99 black belt. Like, did you imagine one day you'd be getting your black belt? And we all have different markers of success, but that is a huge commitment and success, right?

SPEAKER_01 10:09

Um, it wasn't just like one to skip a few, 99 black belt, that's like the yeah.

SPEAKER_00 10:17

I would say that's like by a bridge, like a lot happens in between that we don't to say that you went from not to something that doesn't say prestige, it takes people decades sometimes to get there. And to say that you did it from a six-month commitment.

SPEAKER_01 10:34

Well when I, you know, back up to when I was like, okay, universe, and I'm using I use universe as like a a term as a general term, you know. You might some people might call it God or or the the galaxy or the spirit or whatever you want to use the term, but I was just kind of like surrendering because you know, my son was starting school. I had tried to go to college a number of times, it just like was not working. I had this fitness business that I was doing quite well at, and I was very passionate about, and I was pouring into other people, but I was needed to pour into myself, and by that point, martial arts had me hooked, Muay Thai had me hooked. This concept of martial arts had me hooked, and I had made this commitment to myself, you know, six months, and we're gonna do this. And by that point, you know, jujitsu had me hooked, and so I made another deal with myself after the six months. I made another deal with myself, and at that point, the deal was black belt, and that was something that I wanted to give to myself, and the deal was that I was gonna commit to this. This is what we were gonna do. We were gonna nail this because I had never mastered anything before. I had gotten good at a lot of things, but I had never mastered anything, and I would get good at something, and then I would get bored and then quit. And then I I would bounce around in my hobbies. And so I told myself, we're not gonna do that this time, we're not gonna let just get to like purple belt and then quit, or make it, you know, to a point where we can say, Oh, I did jujitsu, but I got injured, or this happened and then I quit, or you know, we're not gonna do that this time. I really had no other at that point. I really had no other things going on or excuses, like my kid was in school, I wasn't doing anything during the day. We needed to just dive in. So that was the deal I made with myself, and there were definitely things that popped up along the way that definitely could have derailed. But yeah, I always think back like, no, no, no, no. We made a deal, we said we were gonna commit to this, and that is definitely what kept me, you know, on the road. There were other things that kept me accountable, but deep down inside it was like, no, we have to we have to do this because we've never done this before. So yeah.

SPEAKER_00 13:35

How cool to see you stick through all the way. So, how long did it take you to get your black belt?

SPEAKER_01 13:39

You know, I'd have to like actually look at a calendar, but I think it was like eight and a half to nine years, somewhere in there.

SPEAKER_00 13:47

That's awesome. That's a that is quite the commitment to choose out of all the ones in life. You're like, this is the one that's gonna work, and you did. So that congratulations. That's so cool. Thank you. Um, thank you. So, were there did you question? So after the six-month mark, and then setting that for yourself, were there times you ever questioned whether or not this is gonna be your reality? Oh, definitely, definitely.

SPEAKER_01 14:11

I mean, I think sometimes I still question it. Like, what girl? Yeah, there were definitely other, definitely times where I was like, what did we do? You know, when you're you're dying on the mat or you're getting smashed or you know, thrown across the room, and you're just like, why did we pick this one? Really? Like, there were definitely other hobbies or commitments we could have chosen, but we picked we picked a big girl hobby, so yeah, like oh boy, it could have been pickleball or something else, like I don't know, but we picked jujutsu, so here we are. But I just laugh about it and and sometimes cry about it and just get back in there and yeah, I laugh, I still laugh about it. Like, okay, this this is it.

SPEAKER_00 15:08

Thanks. So, with the podcast, my goal is to reach as widespread an audience as possible. I'm always looking for the me to moments in life. Like, maybe someone has to travel far for a gym. It's like, oh, me too. That's why I got into it. It's not gonna hold you back. Or I train in a very rural area, so I had to create like a co-op, and someone else was like, oh, I live in a rural area. Maybe something like that will work for me. When I approached you, I loved your story because you have come, you your personal story and your time on the mat have really blended together. And so that you have done a lot of advocacy work, you've done like in your everyday work, you talk a lot about epilepsy. Would you mind sharing a little bit about what epilepsy is for you and what that little corner of your life looks like?

SPEAKER_01 15:57

Of course, of course. So when I started jujitsu, like I I pictured my journey being really different than how it turned out. And when I started jujitsu, I had no idea I had epilepsy. And you know, I talked about like wanting to be competitive. And when I started, I thought, okay, I'm gonna start, I'm gonna be really competitive, and it's gonna boost the success of my business. And I really thought that I was gonna like travel and teach seminars and and compete and win medals and stand on podiums. And really about halfway through my journey, I think I was about halfway through at Purple Belt. I had my first recognizable seizure and got diagnosed, and that really changed my whole journey and dramatically changed why and how I trained jujitsu. And I really struggled with that. Uh it changed like my identity both on and off the mat. And I really, really struggled with that because no longer was I gonna be this very competitive athlete. That just was no longer gonna be an option for me. And so, you know, the reason for my training changed, and I that's still something that I struggle with because I wanted to be this, you know, big, bad, intimidating person on the back. You know, that's why I started, that's who I thought I wanted to be, and then now it's like, oh, that's actually not who I want to be. That's not who I'm going to be, that's not who I should be. And that was a reality check for me. And uh not only did I need to change that for my own safety, but I needed to change that for like for the growth of the sport and like for other people too coming in, you know, like that's not good for other people, you know, like for other girls coming in, you know, like that's not that's not helpful for other people training with me. That's not helpful for for my training partners. And so, yeah, that was a big reality chat. You know, it's like, okay, we need to be a different type of person on the map, we need to be a different type of person off the mat. We need to train for a different reason. Our why needs to be different, our strong needs to look different, and um and so yeah, that was a big that was a big change for me. And it was like, okay, this is this is gonna be different.

SPEAKER_00 18:51

Um, when I was seeking out someone that's living with, you know, differently abled circumstances. So I think about like my why. I have a son with type one diabetes. And so when he was diagnosed at nine, I don't know why I started looking, putting together the puzzle pieces of his symptoms. They they were just kind of, huh, like in isolation, I could have just chalked them up as being, I hate to say it, like attention seeking. Like he was using the bathroom a lot in public locations. I'm like, ew, does he like going to the bathroom? And like they're gross and dirty, like we have one at home. Or like these little pieces that I really didn't understand being connected finally were. And then when I got the when he got the diagnosis, and I say when I got the diagnosis because for so long I was in charge of his care, but I recognized I will never know what it's like to live in his body. I have like autoimmune things, but the way that I manage mine is not a life or death every day. But as a parent or a caregiver to someone with something that affects every aspect of his life, going from like zero knowledge basis, we were eating, he'd go about for like a milkshake and not care. I had made like cinnamon roll pancakes with like a swirl of brown sugar, you know, like a week before diagnosis, and I remember like my Facebook memories pop up, and I just die a little every time I see that picture of these like gooey, syrupy. And maybe that was for the best because at the time we didn't know he survived, he's okay. But after finding out, it was like a very interesting period to say what parts of his life looked very similar and what parts looked very different. Was that did you have any prior knowledge of epilepsy prior to this? Like, what did that I know you said it's going to change how you competed, but my stars, you were like a Muay Thai girl. That doesn't necessarily seem like an app activity that most people with epilepsy might do.

SPEAKER_01 20:47

Yeah, so it's actually really it's wild. My like every epilepsy story is crazy, so I don't want to like take away from any of that. But so my dad had seizures and my brother had seizures before I did, so it's crazy that I could see their stories and still not even recognize it in myself before I had it. So it's like it's such an individual experience, and it's such a hard thing to explain that everyone explains it so differently that like my brother was having these episodes and explaining them, and I'd be like, that's not at all like I have no idea what you're talking about until I was diagnosed. It's like, oh shoot, we were having the same thing, but explaining them so differently. So it's like after I was diagnosed, and once I got into a doctor's office and really got into the right in front of the right people, and really started like asking the right questions. Did I recognize what was happening? So even though I did have loved ones that were having these, these episodes, I didn't, I didn't even recognize it in myself until I had a grandma seizure and woke up in the back of an ambulance. And it's wild because even now that I know I'm diagnosed, I know exactly what's happening to me, I know what they are. Even when I go to like explain it to a stranger who has no idea what epilepsy is, I hesitate because when you're describing them, it really does sound like some psychedelic trick. And it's so hard to explain to somebody that it's like, I don't even want to bother because it sounds so wild. And so it's like, yeah, I do understand why people don't talk about it. And I didn't talk about it for so long because it does sound so wild that it is easy to understand why people don't talk about it. But I like I did like this, I when looking back on it, I did, I was having these uh, you know, now I know they're absent seizures and focal seizures the whole time I was training Muay Thai and the whole time I was training jujitsu before I was diagnosed.

SPEAKER_00 23:31

So after diagnosis and the period of coming to terms with again every aspect of your life, has that you said it changed your training? Do you have? I guess there's a couple different ways we get ready for things like that. There's a lot of pre-work that we can do, so we're in our best optimum place. Like as I would get ready for class, or like I might make sure I eat two hours before because I know in my body that if I eat too close, it makes me feel sick. Are there things that you can do to prepare for class to make the experience like to make it easier, safer? Are there things you have to do in the moment? Is aftercare really important? Does it affect how often you train? Do you talk to your train teammates about it?

SPEAKER_01 24:17

So I just have to, it's more or less I really just have to be honest with myself. Like there's days where I want to train, but I I shouldn't train. And like pre-diagnosis, I would probably just train. I'm like the the conversation I'd have in my head would be like, don't be a little bitch, just go train. And now it's I have to be like, hey, you're probably having epilepsy symptoms. You shouldn't go to train right now. And I have to listen to my body. So it's more about being honest with myself and listening to myself than it is like talking to my training partners. And I all like my training partners are always asking me, like, what should I do? What should I do? And I'm like, hey, if I'm being honest, like if I'm not feeling good, you won't see me. Like, I'm not gonna be at the gym on a bad day because I do know my body, I am lucky and have the ability that my body tells me I have, you know, what the epilepsy community knows as auras, and my body tells me before something is gonna happen, which is which I'm very lucky because then I have the ability to shut my system down before something bad happens, which for me is get in a cold dark room and shut my eyes and get you know cold dark pressure. Like it's um if I can do that, then I can usually stop something bad from happening. And then in a worst case scenario, my doctor gives me emergency meds and I take those with me to practice all the time, and my teammates know where they are. I have like a I hang them next to the mat. And my gym is one of the great things about my team is that we have lots of first responders. It's very rare that I'm at practice and there's not a firefighter or lifeguard or EMT on the mats. We have lots of those on our team, so that's lucky for me. That's cool. But yeah, for the most part, it's more about me listening to my body than it is anyone around me doing anything.

SPEAKER_00 26:30

I think that's an important lesson for us all to know is we know ourselves best. And I think it's not necessarily just a jujitsu thing, but a life thing. Like, I know my limitations, I know where I can shine. Some people can do like six roles after an hour of technique and positional. Some people are going to do two. Just because you do two doesn't mean you should ever feel pressure to do more. Like, there's a different, we are all we all have different goals or objectives or whatever for the thing. I always tend to leave a little bit more gas in the tank than I think I would like to. I don't even know if I like to. I like my body is always like, mm, that was good. Because like there's a little superstitious bit of me that's always like when you call last roll of the day or run of the day or whatever. That's like when the injuries happen. So I always like to end on a high note. I would rather be like, mmm, that was a good one instead of pushing myself. I know when I'm too tired, I have a tendency of getting injured because I overextend or I push too hard or I don't think through things something the way I should be.

SPEAKER_01 27:34

Well, we're not like we're not like professional athletes with like a contract on the line. Like, I don't think it matters if you have epilepsy or not. Like you should be listening to your body. Like, I mean, at our age, like I I'm notorious for thinking everybody's my age, but I kind of feel like we're the same age. Like, I feel like at our age, when you have kids and a career and bills to pay, like, yeah, it doesn't matter if you have epilepsy or not. You need to before you decide whether you're gonna train or not, whether you're gonna put your ghee on and pack up, like check in with your body first and like ask her, are we training today? And then what type of training session are you going to have? I'm not a competitor. I know you have a lot of competitors on your show, and like that's a different chapter of life, and that's a different question you're asking your body, but like I'm not a competitor, so it's like, what kind of day are we gonna have, or what are we working on, or what does strong look like today? Because sometimes strong is you know, just drilling and getting a couple rolls in and getting home to make lunch for the kids, and that's what it is. And but sometimes my strong is like, did I take my meds on time and can I get my eye mask on? Um, can I stop these auras from happening before the seizure starts? And like sometimes that's my strong for the day, and I'll make it to practice next week.

SPEAKER_00 29:12

Well, then I think speaking to the competitor piece, like full honesty, in two and a half years of training, I've done one competition. Would I like to do more? Maybe, but there's a lot that goes into that. Some people, it's like a finance thing, like I'm already paying for GIS and membership and things like that. I have my kids half the time. And so I am not going to schedule a tournament on a weekend I have them because it's going to take me out of the house. Like some people will bring their kids to it. Mine are teenagers and they might not need me for safety, but that making the memories during that time feels more important for me than bringing them to a tournament. And everybody's different. Like, if my kids were competing, maybe that would be a different language. If we had a two-parent household and I had someone at home, maybe that would be a different story. My truth right now is that I schedule Emily things every other week. And I go to class as much as I can, like within a real reason. Like last night, I really wanted to go to class. However, I'm just back at work. My kids were just coming home from being out, and I knew that just that busyness was going to kind of tip tip my scales in a way that I wasn't looking forward to because it was something else to recover from. And there are times when I would say, like, I won't ever regret going to class. But at the same time, I was proud of the decision to stay home because it felt right. And maybe I didn't get my gold star in my head for doing all the things, but I can do some of the things. And this is just my season. Next year, my life might look really different. Or in a couple years when I don't have any kids at home, maybe I'll live at the gym more, or maybe less. I don't know. I don't know what things are gonna look like. But that's for me to decide. And I love that listening to your body piece because regardless of epilepsy or not, we all really need that information because a rundown Emily is not any better than, you know, immediate rundown Emily.

SPEAKER_01 31:18

I'm like a big, I'm big on like developing that relationship, like uh with listening and talking to your body and like having that two-way communication.

SPEAKER_00 31:30

I'm a big all or nothing person. Like lately, it's been like I will lift five times a week. I have to walk for an hour a day, five days a week. I need to be on the rower for 25 minutes. Like I can get like a structure is really good for me. But then when life gets really weird, that can kind of come back and get me. Because I'm like, but I didn't do it. I'm like, but who's watching? I I sometimes life happens. And so that's like a good area for me is like, why am I feeling like this? If it's just because I don't feel like moving, that's not always a good excuse for me not to do it. But you know what? There's a lot been going on this week. I've been staying late, I've been up earlier, I've been taking care of things later. This is okay. I can come back stronger next week.

SPEAKER_01 32:16

That's why I've liked having I used to be the all or nothing. And after getting diagnosed, I really had to learn how to redefine my strong and that my definition of strong could change daily. I think that's been my biggest lesson after being diagnosed. I can define my strong, and that definition of strong looks different daily. And that's been a hard lesson to learn, but it's been like a really like freeing lesson that's helped me really feel free because it's stepped out of the all or nothing boundaries. That was because I the the all or nothing is exhausting. And I think that is not I mean, that's not what gave me epilepsy. I had epilepsy for a long time, but it was really, really hurting me. It was it was hurting me.

SPEAKER_00 33:21

So as you've said, epilepsy looks different for each person. I we can say the same thing about chronic medical conditions, of hypothyroidism, and that's going to present, depending on my medication life, it's all going to be different. What would you say to someone living with a mental condition who thinks that they can't pursue something that they love?

SPEAKER_01 33:42

I would encourage them to absolutely brush that thought aside because you absolutely can. It might take a little bit of planning and some preparation, but the first thing you have to do is just completely let go of that thought and know that you can do the things it is that you want to do, whatever it is that you want. Now, depending on what your limitations and your boundaries are, it might look different than what you want it to look like. You know, for example, what I shared earlier my story about what I thought my jujitsu journey was gonna look like, and you know, halfway through my journey, that path shifted dramatically, and I had to let go of what I thought that was gonna look like so that I could continue to stay on that path, and so you know, you have to be flexible with what that is gonna look like, and I think, you know, even with myself, I was so like solid on what that was gonna look like. So, whatever condition or limitation or obstacle it is that you're facing or that standing between you and doing what you want to do or doing what you love to do, you know, I would encourage you to be creative and be open-minded and see, you know, what can you be flexible with? How can that look different? Um, how can you redefine what that journey is gonna look like? Maybe it's just for now. Maybe you're recovering from a surgery and you just need to sit on the sidelines of the mat for a second and take notes, or maybe it's a long period of time and you really need to reevaluate your training plan and you need to talk to your training partners and talk to your coach and reevaluate what your your long-term plan is gonna look like. So I think once we once we can be creative and be flexible with what that that plan is gonna look like and what the journey is gonna look like, then it can be you can stay on that road and stay on that path for a longer period of time. Because when we get so caught up and it has to look this way, or it has to look that girl's way, or it has to be this perfect image. And if I can't, if I can't do it that way, then I don't want to do it at all, kind of mindset, then we really miss out on so much. And I think the jujitsu community, because that's you know what brought us together, is especially so creative and supportive in this world. But I think, you know, whether it's martial arts or jujitsu or surfing or arts or photography, like whatever it is that you want to do, I think the world right now is so open-minded that you can get creative and that you can reimagine what that journey is gonna look like for you. And you've got to make your journey fit whatever that is, whatever that need is for you, and what you're able to do. And that might look different. Different chapters look different depending on what you're able to do that day. And you know, even for myself at a black belt level, some days I'm able to go in there and crush it, and I'm able to go in there and and do all the things and go a hundred percent and roll with the big dogs and and feel like I'm at the top of my level, and some days I'm not. Some days I go in there and tie my belt on and drill and you know, roll around with the kids in the corner and joke and talk shit and crawl off the map. But the important thing is that I kept going because I was created and because I was flexible with what my journey was gonna look like. And I think that's really important. Like I got diagnosed at purple belt, and if I stayed in that all or nothing, like it has to be perfect, it can't look any other way, I w I wouldn't have been able to make it to black belt. I needed to be able to to do it differently so that I could stay in it for the long run. And and I wanted to stay in it for the long run. I wasn't ready to quit, and I didn't want um this obstacle that I knew I was gonna deal with for a long time to end my jujitsu journey, and so um I had to figure something out.

SPEAKER_00 38:31

So there's the way that we manage. You talk about the work that you put in before class, acknowledging your feelings, and sometimes your training might look different. And sometimes you like again, you crush it when you were with the big dogs, and then you're out there and you're like killing it. Sometimes I go on into class and people treat me like glass. Like I just won gal, like so sweet, but I think she thought it was a dinosaur. She treated me very frail. What would you do? What advice would you give to someone who's constantly feeling limited by other people's expectations? Because you know you and you know what you can do, but people are very kind and sometimes they just don't know and they just are afraid. What do we do then?

SPEAKER_01 39:14

Go at them, get them, like give them something to talk about, you know, like if they are treating you like, yeah, if you want them to treat you like a big dog, then be a big dog. Like, I love it. If you can handle more, then then put out more. Yeah, get them. That's you know, like if I was to if I was watching your role and coaching your role, I would that's what I would say. I'd be like, you gotta turn up the heat. You gotta you have to give your partner what you want. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 39:52

There's there's times when I am rolling very like with friends, and they're guys and they're so nice, and I just like fly like flying squirrel. And I know it's a very poor attack style because it leaves me so vulnerable and like I could, and that's on me, right? I'm gonna just get, but it's it's kind of funny because people try to be so nice, and I just like push everything I in to like bulldoze of and whatever, because that's sage advice for really anyone. You feel underestimated. I have my friend Martine who's 72 and she was 71 and started training. And when guys are too serious when they're rolling with her, she honks their nose and says honk honk like mid-roll. And I died. I'm like, I can only imagine Katie love it. Love every part of me, just loves that.

SPEAKER_01 40:41

But that's like that's kind of she's doing it. She's like, Oh, you don't want to take me seriously? Let me show you what I'm here to do, you know. She's like, Okay, I'm gonna pull you until you take me seriously.

SPEAKER_00 40:56

Yeah, yep. And they they've had to tell the class, they're like, Yeah, she can take it. Go, but and and and I like that, I appreciate like upbeat the anti incrementally. Like, if I feel somebody that's going to rough, I'm gonna like, okay, then I'm gonna play more of a guard again or whatever. But I know me, but also that's good advice. I'm not gonna, it's like joking and teasing. If you can trash talk, then you better be able to take it back. And you just have to all know we all know our own familiarity. And then when we start to get the familiar training partners, we understand how to joke or how to tease or how to roll.

SPEAKER_01 41:30

Yeah, and I would kind of say like the same and the opposite. Like if you were to say, if somebody's coming at you maybe a little too rough and the role is too hard, you know, what would you what would you do? And I would say, you know, try to stay heavy, slow things down, stay safe, like give your opponent what you want. Like match, you know, not I wouldn't match their energy in that respect. I would give your opponent what you want. So try to slow the role down. Yeah, you gotta kind of show your opponent what type of role it is that you want. And that might be something that's easier for a black belt to say, but as you're moving through jujitsu as a lower belt, if you want to be taken seriously, then roll seriously.

SPEAKER_00 42:25

I do that like coming back from injury, like going into a roll or anything. I'll say being very clear with it. This is a foot that's bothering me. This is like some of my limitations. Like we were doing positional training. So the person on the bottom got to pick their favorite guard, I'm coming in. And some people who are super sweet, they're like, what guard would you prefer me starting in? It's on what you can do. So I'm like, just if we don't grab this foot, I said, I am quick to bail on it. I'm not gonna put weight on it. If it's weird, I always take care of myself. Thank you for being concerned, but I also don't want to change the game too much. So just being that advocate, like if I'm in a role like, well, cool, not quite the speed I want. If you need someone like that, go over here. And I I really think of how we are stewards to the sport itself. Like I am representing more than just myself. And so if I go in there whiny complaining, you are too rough on me. I am now creating a story or a narrative that might fill. And that's not part of it, too. I can say it's a little more intense than I was ready to train today versus taking it personally. Or this is so cool. Let's people typically take me easily, take it uh easy on me, but I am working on ramping it up. So as we can we work together and kind of find out what that looks like. Let's start and kind of feel most people are like, you set the pace, go for it.

SPEAKER_01 43:44

Yeah, I think if you're coming back from an injury, or in my case, you know, like if somebody, you know, is maybe rolling with me in a way like, oh, I think they're scared to roll with me because I have. Let's see. I just tell him, like, I'll tap. Don't roll with me any different. Don't change your game. Like, I'm responsible for myself on the mats. Like, I think that's a big thing in jujitsu that I think people need to really, really remember is that you're responsible for yourself on the mats. You're responsible for your training partners on the mats. You can always say no to a role. I I mean, at in my gym, if you're in a gym where you can't say no to a role, you gotta go find another gym. And you can always tap. So if you find yourself in a position where you you have been hurt in a role or something of that nature, and now you're mad at your opponent, you're really mad at yourself. And I think that's you know, like that's the ego part of jujitsu. And I had to I had to let go of that. And anytime you're coming back from an injury, or anytime you're coming back to the mats, or when you're starting in the mats, like that's the that's the big mind game in in jujitsu is having to let go of that and realizing you're responsible for yourself on the mat. You can't expect for anybody to treat you differently on the mats. And there's an off button in jujitsu. And I think sometimes people get really intimidated and scared of jujitsu and they forget there's an off button. Just tap. Like I I jokingly like I'm like, there's an off button. Like if things get scary, there's an off button, just tap, you know, and for myself or for you know, if I'm ever feeling like, oh, I'm in a bad spot, I need to tap. I'm now to it to a space in my training where I tap. Like when that thought goes through my mind, I tap because I need to, because I'm not, I don't have brand deals and contracts and tournaments to fly into. And if you're somebody who jujitsu is a hobby and you have a medical condition or an injury or limitations, if that thought comes up into your head, should I tap, the answer is probably yes. And that limitation is more important, I think, than your ego. You know, making sure that you're taking care of your body and that you can make it to your doctor's appointment and that you're, you know, taking care of that issue is more important than the stripe or the promotion or the medal or whatever. That journey is more important than the other journey. But they're both so important. And I think when they exist parallel, they do wonderful things for each other.

SPEAKER_00 46:58

Now, talking about like wonderful connection. So as we transition to sort of ending the episode, you have embraced this piece of your life. It not only shows up on the mat, but really was it's a big career change? Is this a part of you? Your outreach. What does your life look like beyond the mat for with this?

SPEAKER_01 47:18

So before I was diagnosed, I was working in my community. I had a company called Working Out in Paradise, and I was helping women doing strength and conditioning classes. And I did that for a long time. But as I was diagnosed and starting to understand the symptoms in my body, and I was like, oh, all these weird things are actually epilepsy symptoms. And I needed to slow down, I needed to make a change, and so I needed to walk away from that, but I was still like very that wasn't an easy choice, but it was a necessary choice. But I was still very eager to support others. And for my own personal journey and for my own grief of like loss of this life and this new chapter, I decided I really needed to like just lean into epilepsy. And so I contacted my local chapter and got started working with them and through them got connected to the National Epilepsy Foundation. And now I work with them and I am a helpline operator for the National Epilepsy Helpline. So I work on the helpline two days a week, and then I also work with the local chapter and help them with live events. We have a walk coming up as a fundraiser and help do like local fundraisers and club events and things of that nature with the local chapter. I really enjoy it.

SPEAKER_00 48:47

How rewarding to have in some ways it's a different hat, but like one you would never take off. But it's to see that part of it and to be able to be that support to maybe like I don't want to say scary, but a new diagnosis is always really challenging or maybe reoccurring and helping people navigate that chapter of their life. So I can only imagine just how gratifying it would be to be able to talk to everyone.

SPEAKER_01 49:12

Oh, it's super scary. Um, and it's been very gratifying for me. Like, I feel like I chose to do this for very selfish reasons because it helped me feel better. But in the same sense, it's gratifying for them as well. And so one, I had to learn a lot about epilepsy really fast. It was just like throw into the deep end, learn as much about epilepsy as I could, like to a point where it was almost scary because I had to learn a lot. And then just being able to help the community, I just didn't really realize how big of a community there was and how much help was needed. And so that was like a huge eye-opener too, which was like kind of scary. So initially working on the helpline, I was like, oh shit. Excuse my language, but like I was just like, oh my gosh, what what what have I gotten myself into? Um, but as I've settled into it now, I just uh yeah, I realize like how much help is needed, and it's just been it has been really gratifying to to be there and to support the community because it's definitely an underserved community. And I feel like like my I'm not that bad. Like my epilepsy is not that bad, and I do have a lot of ability to serve, so I want to use that to help those who have it worse than I do.

SPEAKER_00 50:46

I guess in life there's always like there's always someone richer, there's always someone poorer, there's always someone heavier, there's always someone lighter, there's always someone taller, there's someone shorter. And like we cannot always compare, like, my struggle is my struggle, your struggle is your struggle. And so then we honor where people are in their journey, and we still can say like it's not a competition to who has it worse, but we're all looking together, work together the best way we have. So, like just like this podcast, like we're always gonna find someone that's gonna beat us. There's always someone we can beat. And so by sharing all these stories, it can help us. There isn't always an aspect of competition in jujitsu. I mean, that's the name of the game, yeah, literally the game. Right. But it can be so much more than that. And so, how cool for you to be able to do that. And so sharing all the stories. So, as we start to sign up, last thoughts. How do you define strength today, Stephanie?

SPEAKER_01 51:38

Oh, today was making it onto this podcast. Getting here on time, it was kind of a hectic day. So just making it here was a good one. Yeah, I I did all the things today, Emily. I uh was able to serve my community and be here and get to talk to you about jujitsu and just bring more awareness awareness uh to epilepsy, which is a huge mission.

SPEAKER_00 52:07

One day at a time, one minute at a time, one class at a time. Thank you so much, Stephanie, for being in this episode and sharing. There's like a vulnerability of just airing all of it out there, but it gives space for so many people and you're thriving. You have a fantastic business, you the black belt, the family, you live in Hawaii. I think we missed talk. We talked about that a little bit, but I feel like that could have been an episode in itself.

SPEAKER_01 52:35

Well, thank you so much for having me, Emily. It was really exciting for me to be here and have this opportunity to spread so much awareness and to get to know you so much.

SPEAKER_00 52:44

And if people want to reach you and talk to you, what's the best way to do so?

SPEAKER_01 52:48

Um, probably just find me on Instagram and reach me there. It's at working out in paradise.

SPEAKER_00 52:54

Perfect. All right. Thank you so much, Stephanie. My shout-out today goes to living minute by minute. You're finishing the role, you hear the bell, you get to relax for a minute. You finished all the chores in the house, everything looks clean. You sit down and enjoy it for just a minute. Our life is filled with all of these fantastic minutes glued in between all of the rough stuff. I hope you find some time today to find those wonderful minutes. Thank you again to Stephanie for sharing her story on the podcast. She is living a fantastic, thriving life between jujitsu and having a medical diagnosis that could, in some eyes, hold her back. But she is a powerhouse, she's funny, she's relatable, she's real, and she's so understanding of the capabilities of her body. Thank you to all my listeners for tuning in yet again. It is thrilling to me to think that I have over 2,000 listens to this little podcast. Who would have thought it'd be so possible? It wouldn't be without all of you because otherwise that would just be me on my computer listening and relistening. And that sounds just about as sad as I can imagine. But really, thank you for delving in, showing interest, showing support. You guys are wonderful. I love all of you. Keep rolling and hope you remember to find those wonderful minutes today.