S1E7 The Stabilizer Personality Style: Organizing the World

The cohosts present the Stabilizer personality style, referred to as a static-masculine energy. Everyone has this within them. For some it is dormant and rarely accessed, and for others it is their dominant style. This style is discussed, both in its healthy form and in it dysfunctional form. It is also compared to the other three styles (Initiator, Transformer and Responder). Here are some of the key issues discussed.

     1. What is your natural style and is it still working for you?

     2. The healthy journey usually takes us to a balance between the different styles, and leads to the ability to draw on different energies or styles when the situation calls for them.

     3. The “masculine” moniker does not refer to males. The Initiating energy can be dominant in any gender. The “static” moniker simply means that there is a tendency to organize and put systems in place rather than to be constantly innovating and moving toward action and accomplishment (the dynamic energy).

     4. The dysfunctional Initiator can be dictatorial, and often misses out on other valuable viewpoints.

     5. Do you want to be right or do you want to be in relationship? This is the question the masculine energy should often ask of one’s self.

     6. You are often more married to the trait that protects you from being hurt than you are to the person with whom you are in relationship.

     7. When stress levels go up, we retreat to those patterns that are most familiar, even if they are dysfunctional.

     8. Where do your protective mechanisms get formed? Usually in your family of origin.

You can connect with the cohosts through their respective websites:

AFCCounselors.com (Dr. Shalley) / https://www.inyourdreams.coach/contact (Dr. Kelley)

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:13

Welcome to Therapy Coaching and Dreams. I'm D. Kelly, and I'm here with my co-host, Jim Shaley. We're a coach and a therapist who love talking about how inner work can help you with more awareness, purpose, and freedom. Welcome to the show.

SPEAKER_01: 0:29

Like I would see, I see you as being a natural nurturer. And yet you're and yet you tell me you're not, that you play a you step up because of the responsibility of that. And you see me as a dynamic, and I don't see that. It's just interesting from our Yeah, it is.

SPEAKER_00: 0:46

It is. So, and that leads to, I think, what's really important to me in a discussion about personality styles and um kind of when we create categories, and some people will see a category or a description of a category, and it doesn't make sense. And I always think that it's important, regardless of what system you're looking at, whether it's internal family systems in all of their categories, or Yun Yan side in their categories, or strength finders in their categories, on and on, that you have to go in and create language that fits for you. Now, there are some generalities that we can state, and you've said that several times, that generally speaking, and I love that phrase because I think it gives someone an ability to say, Yeah, I can see how you would say that, but why I think this is true for me, and then allow somebody to explore that over time and figure out what it means. When you talk about living out of an initiating place where you initiating just because it's a little more impulsive, it's a little more instinctual, I guess is the phrase you used. Do you think living out of the instinct is more of the feminine dynamic side, in tune with that intuition? And here's my intuition, so I just go do it.

SPEAKER_01: 2:08

Well, I think that that that's the larger discussion, is when we talk about the four quadrants that we that we discuss in our in my framework, it's like there's a natural energy that we have. So some are natural responders, some are are natural initiators, some are natural transformers. There's a natural style there that we don't see in terms of masculine or feminine, it's just who I am. And I think that's the challenge is okay, is that still effective? Is it still working in my life? And then as I'm I'm more open to who I who I might be in a relationship with and their dynamic, and then I'm I'm playing off of them. So now I have a clearer view of my energy. Uh, when we're tempted temporally to just as simply go, well, that's kind of the way I am. So I'm I'm this and you're that, and let's just play that out. I think one of the things we talked about in previous sessions is where do I need to be? If we see that we all have have all of those in us somewhere, where do I need to be at any given moment? So I think from my perspective, uh while the impulsive or the dynamic side of me makes sense to do certain things, I would say that I I lack the probably this uh I don't know. Now I'm I'm stuck in my own thinking right now in that sense, because we're trying to challenge people to move to a more integrated self, right? Yeah. So where would you see me? I know we're using ourselves as a therapy kind of thing here, but where would you see my lack?

SPEAKER_00: 3:51

Well, I think one of the things that is attractive about you is that you are aware of the variety of styles. And I think one of the things that you do very well is when you know there is an importance to pull on a different energy. I just think you are balanced enough to begin to draw on that. I think there are some times in your life where you might shortchange your outcome because, for example, it's not quite as easy for you to pull on the dynamic masculine and initiate. It comes in spurts. Um, and yet I do think that you initiate marvelously when it has captivated your imagination. You have enough charisma that you draw others into that vision and bring some people along for that journey. And often others kind of ride on the coattails of that, which to me is an example of the dynamic masculine, where others ride the wake of the things that you create. And so I think you do that often. Um, but I don't think that that is your um like go-to place of comfort.

SPEAKER_01: 5:09

Yeah. Uh yeah, to move back to, I think one of the things that you mentioned talking about today was more of the masculine. Which one do you we talk about? The masculine stabilizer? Yeah, the stabilizer. Yeah. Initiating the how how does that play out? The masculine stabilizer.

SPEAKER_00: 5:27

How does that play out in regard to initiation?

SPEAKER_01: 5:30

Uh yeah, and yeah, because the we when we talk in terms of dynamic, typically it's initiating energy, but you combine that with uh a more static personality type, that's I think where it becomes more dictatorial.

SPEAKER_00: 5:46

If I'm hearing the question correctly, you're asking how does somebody who's in that stabilizer uh the masculine the masculine static. Masculine static, how do they initiate, how do they move forward on some things? And my answer to that is that the typical way is that they address the problem through organization. They address the problem by pulling together a system that will take care of it and create a way by which everyone hopefully will see, oh, this is equitable. This will work for everyone. It's kind of a strategic planning sort of thing versus the dynamic energy that sees the problem and and moves immediately. It is a response to the problem that says, well, let's just take action. Let's step into this. And if we break a few things, we can pick it up after the fact. Or if it doesn't work, we're going to try several other things. It's kind of the current um business climate. Not, it's not brand new, it's been going on for a little while, but fail fast is kind of that masculine dynamic uh side. And I don't think that the stabilizer is real comfortable with that because of the people you leave in the wake that get injured, or the people that are hurt by that, or the people that get fired or quit or fall away, and you leave some things in your wake that are problematic. So the approach of the stabilizer is hold on a second, let's plan this out before we launch. Let's make sure we've played out the scenarios of where this might go. But there is a for those who love the problem solving side, there is a very intentional purpose of we are moving ahead, we're going to set a timetable uh to bring this to pass.

SPEAKER_01: 7:48

Another way of looking at it would be the map, the mask gun static would be like a police department or a fire department. Because they have to bring order to things and and and yet they have to have a structure in place, and then they actually respond to things as they need to, but it does take that mask gun static to hold steady until until they're needed.

SPEAKER_00: 8:11

Oh, yeah, I think that's fair. I would probably go more with the metaphor of the police department than the fire department, because I think the police department, um, at least in theory, are guided by the rules and the regulations of society or a community and are trying to implement those. The fire department jumps into action, runs down a fire pole, and starts spraying water wherever it goes, doesn't matter what the damage is, they just spray. That's right. Well, that's that's kind of like a lot of people. A lot of people do not. I know quite a few. And there are others who then come in behind after the fire department is long gone and have to shovel the junk and clean up the mess and rebuild the project.

SPEAKER_01: 9:04

Absolutely. And those would be the initiators and the transformers. They see a possibility.

SPEAKER_00: 9:12

And at that point, the firefighter chief will be on the news saying wonderful things and being interviewed as the hero. And then all through the night, there is somebody that's back there trying to push the water out of the living room.

SPEAKER_01: 9:24

So then I can then somebody comes along and says, Okay, we gotta figure out where they're starting.

SPEAKER_00: 9:33

So so let's go back to Go ahead.

SPEAKER_01: 9:37

Go ahead. You go ahead. No, you go ahead. The negative the negative side of that would be the the masculine static would be dictatorial. Because they didn't they demand that would be the negative aspect. They get control of something and then they don't let people move beyond that, and they they they're oppressive. That would be the negative side of it.

SPEAKER_00: 9:59

I agree with that 100%. That is the um rigidness, the dysfunctional um masculine static or stabilizer, is that they actually slow everything down in many ways because there is no other way to look at it. So, one of the questions that I had for you that I think this speaks of is so, what does this type of person lose in relationship if they're not aware of the imbalance that they might have in their life? And I think there are a lot of things, but one of them certainly is that you lose a relationship because you are certain you're right.

SPEAKER_01: 10:47

I mean, it's the old it's the old adage, do you want to be right or have a relationship?

SPEAKER_00: 10:51

And I think that that should be said every day in this in this person's life. If this is where you live, you have to you have to wake up in the morning and say, okay, today it's my choice. Do I want to be right or do I want to be in relationship?

SPEAKER_01: 11:10

I think it'd be a good mantra for everyone, probably, but it's specifically for those people that prefer to be right all the time.

SPEAKER_00: 11:17

Yeah.

unknown: 11:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 11:18

And again, that's the that's the subtlety of it. Uh, a lot of times that trait is so strong that they they don't see it as being right or wrong. They just think that it's the way it is.

SPEAKER_00: 11:30

Well, I'll give you another example from my perspective of a person who is this stabilizer, the masculine static side, is that when somebody disagrees with you, the internal response is, uh, I just didn't explain it well enough because it's so obvious.

SPEAKER_01: 11:52

Yeah, yeah, that's that's the term that everybody uses now, which is mansplaining. I'll just keep talking to you and explaining it to you, and finally you'll get it and you'll agree with me, and we'll all be happy. It'll be great. Yeah, because this is really it's the opposite of the validation piece that I try to teach men specifically a lot, which is nothing is heard until you say, Oh, I can understand how you feel that way, as opposed to um let me explain it a different way. I think you'll I think you'll get it this time. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 12:25

Or or the line that would be the masculine, that would be the masculine static. Yeah, you keep repeating it. Yeah, the other line that doesn't help a whole lot is tell me what you don't understand about this. That line doesn't help much either.

SPEAKER_01: 12:41

Because basically you just call the person a kind of a moron.

SPEAKER_00: 12:47

Well, why would you feel like a moron? I'm just trying to explain this to you.

SPEAKER_01: 12:53

You know, that's a great, that's a great question. Uh, I probably naturally feel like one, and you helped me feel more like one.

SPEAKER_00: 12:59

So well, now that we've settled that, it should be obvious that we go my direction. Oh, it's funny.

SPEAKER_01: 13:11

So that's where a lot that's where a lot of people live, though. It really is.

SPEAKER_00: 13:14

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So bridge this a little bit for us. Um, when somebody lives from this place in an out-of-balanced way, what are they missing out on life? Because there are a lot of pieces of life that's that seem to me to be dependent upon um an openness to other perspectives. And in other ways, uh different worldviews, different ways to see problems. And if you are strong, strong, strong stabilizer, just share a couple ways in which those other parts of yourself that are finding no expression, what do you miss out on on life?

SPEAKER_01: 13:58

I I think uh first of all, you you have to admit or acknowledge you're missing out of something. Great point. I mean, the the strong sense of the need to be right is so uh enticing and and uh it's just I'm just right. And so to get someone to acknowledge their other views uh that are as valid, that's that's a big hurdle for some personality styles. And I would say the strong masculine um initiator, that would be the hardest to get that because they just keep moving forward. So I think that's you have to start by pointing it out, and so there has to be something upsetting in their life, some kind of conflict that gets them to see that. And I think even the phrase you said a few minutes ago about every morning get up and say, Do you want to be right to have a relationship? If you're married to someone that has that trait, that's not a bad intervention if they have a if they're if their likability is still there. You could tease, you could, you could tease that a little bit and try to push people to their blind spots. Yeah, like it would be the opposite of that if you had a strong nurturing personality that did too much and they're married to a person who sees that they give away too much, how do you get their attention and get them to see that that trait probably uh needs to be balanced?

SPEAKER_00: 15:25

I mean, yeah, because the the response there often is, and correct me if you think I'm wrong, but the response for that nurture side that we sometimes refer to as the feminine static is that that's where they find meaning is caring for others. That's where they find their identity. And it's difficult to show somebody that there is more to who they are if they begin to pay attention to their own needs. Yeah, it's like that masculine initiating, they get value from being right. Yeah. Here is here's my thought on the nurturer, that feminine one who is responding and caring and helping others in so many different ways. That the other three personality styles, when they are dysfunctional, the person who is that responder will often just give in or give up. They will separate themselves from their own needs, they will shrug and go quiet, or they will acquiesce and you miss out on their voice. So one of the things that happens, and I'll just use the stabilizer in this case, if you are drilling down trying to show that you are right, and the person with whom you're in a relationship, whether it's a coworker, a spouse, or a child or a parent, and you push and push, and the person acquiesces, in that moment, what you lose out on is another worldview, another perspective, another way of seeing problems. Um, you certainly miss out on such things as intuition and a kind of sixth sense about things because you tend to be driven by the logic, what the senses take in and how you can logically process that. And it's a tragic loss, I think, of seeing a world that's beyond that, a world that's intuitive. And it's a world that you don't realize it's black and white until you begin to see the colors that other people see.

SPEAKER_01: 17:36

Yeah. It's like it's like people that travel the world. They get introduced to different cultures and it it opens up their world to a whole different way of looking at it. I mean, it goes back a little bit what we talked about, I think, in the first our first uh time together, looking back to move ahead. Another way to examine that is to get people to view how their family of origin handle emotions, and then it intrigues them to have some curiosity about the larger, their larger personality, how they interact with others, all those things. I mean, you don't know you need some insight until you need some insight. And I think that's yeah, that's always the challenge is how do you get to a place where I really am open to a different way of viewing things. And oftentimes it comes because of a marriage or a relationship or some work relationship that's frustrating. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 18:30

Why would I correct something if it's working for me? Yeah, absolutely. And so when people when people show up in your office, there's something that has prompted that that is no longer working. And that's the wonderful moment of possible shift or change. Yeah. And to be a good steward of those moments, both if it's your own, but also if somebody comes to you and to realize, oh, this is this is an important moment.

SPEAKER_01: 19:01

Yeah, that's why I will say uh any trauma, job loss, whatever that is, it's a doorway through better understanding of self. It's it's the only reframe that I think can help people relax a little bit and realize, okay, there's there can be a benefit to this, even though it's a horrible thing to go through or it's traumatic. Uh, how do I respond to that? And I think that's where it opens us up to examine ourselves in a different way. And it's it's always iffy how people are going to respond to that. Because there's a fine line between validating them and understanding where they're coming from, and then at some point turning it around to them and saying, What role did you play in this? I mean, from my perspective, as hard as it is, if you come in and say your spouse has left you or your partner has left you, and you don't understand it, you're devastated, eventually uh my style would be, what part did you play in it? Well, you don't you don't say that the first sentence because typically that's when you slam the door in their face. You you kind of build a relationship, but I think you do a disservice to the client if you don't ask that question at some point. I mean, there are rare examples where it's it perhaps is one-sided, but most of the time there is a dynamic that's happening. And I think our frame, our framework we're talking about, can certainly go a long way in helping you bring peace to yourself about it. Knowing where you need to be if someone leaves you, you know, how what do I need to access?

SPEAKER_00: 20:36

Yeah, I so agree with that, Jim. I realize that anywhere in the process of proposing what this person might have had to do with it, I'll personalize it. What did I have to do with the conflict or the problem that we're facing? There is at some level a it's almost like a visceral response where you feel defense mechanisms go up. You know, I'm being challenged, I'm being critiqued, and I'm gonna have to defend myself. I'm gonna have to, once again, I'm the person that's getting picked on, getting beat on. And so easing into that question to try and keep defenses low enough so that I could actually hear the question and not just hear my defenses is very important. It's also one of the reasons why I love working with dreams because at nighttime the defense mechanisms drop and things begin to appear in our dreams with a lowered sense of defense mechanism to them. And sometimes you can ease into that conversation by highlighting something that showed up in their own dream and ask the question.

SPEAKER_01: 22:00

questions so how might this relate to what we've been talking about so yeah I think one of the one of the ways that I try to um move them more consciously uh is to say I think we mentioned it earlier uh in another session I'm married the trait I'm married to the trait that protects me more than I am to the individual other individual and so say that say say that one more time well I'm married to the trait that protects me more than I am to the other individual so when there's a conflict I always fall back on the thing that protects me from being hurt and so people typically people that make sense because they can identify that pretty quickly whether they avoid whether they fight you know all the fight flight freeze things that kicks in and so when they kind of intellectually understand that and they all almost always smile when I say it they go oh yeah I do that and I said that's why it's hard because you have to rise above that need to protect yourself and engage in a conversation that's painful or could be painful. And then you know who wants to do that? And I use some humor I say who wants to do that well evidently the two of you need to because you're here.

SPEAKER_00: 23:10

One of the phrases that has always helped me both with my own journey but also in working with others is the phrase when stress levels go up we typically retreat to that which is more familiar or most familiar.

SPEAKER_01: 23:24

So that includes going to more articulate much more articulate way of saying what I just said.

SPEAKER_00: 23:29

No I think I think I think it's complementary to it in that we that can easily apply to family of origin that I'll retreat back to being like a child sometimes if the stress levels go high enough because that pattern was how I survived in the home. But I think what you said moves it more into kind of my adult adaptation that I will hold on or I'm more connected to that which protects me when I feel like I'm being attacked. And those patterns have a history to them on how they got formed. And sometimes it takes going back into that history and figuring out why that protective mechanism is such a go-to for me.

SPEAKER_01: 24:16

Yeah and that's that goes back to uh figuring out your family of origin. How do you how'd you learn to handle your emotions as a child depending on the environment you're in that's typically how that trait gets developed. Yeah yeah and it's all kind of connected from that sense.

SPEAKER_00: 24:34

I actually think that's probably a great place to stop because it's a a great thought for people to think about for a while and then come back and maybe next episode we can pick one of the other four and go a little more in depth as to how the nurture plays out their journey. To be honest if it's okay with you I'd love to stay with the stabilizing static um styles first and then show how that kind of shifts to the dynamic and how even if it's not our natural go-to we can begin to access that part of who we are. Yeah there's a lot of nuances to all of that so you're right that's fine. Yeah that's great. Tim as always great to be with you. Great to be with you that's it for this episode of Therapy Coaching and Dreams. If you're enjoying the podcast we'd love for you to share it with someone who might appreciate it as well. And if you are interested in working with either of the co-hosts you can do so at their respective websites Dr Shally at AFCcounselors dot com or Dr. Kelly at inyourdreamscoach. Thanks for being here and until next time keep growing stay curious and take good care of yourself.

SPEAKER_01: 25:59

Yeah no that's good stuff.