S1E4 Dynamic vs. Static Personality Styles

This episode explores the dynamic and static components of our personality. Cohosts Dee Kelley and Jim Shalley provide useful examples of how these different styles complement one another and antagonize one another. Some of the key points include the following:

     1. A dynamic energy or style is typically action-oriented, creating movement and change. A static energy or style organizes, puts systems in place and manages.

     2. A person who has an overtly static personality will often come to therapy because of unhappiness. A person who has an overtly dynamic personality will typically come to therapy because they have screwed something up.

     3. In the midst of a conflict, the dynamic energy wants to move forward, while the static energy wants to talk about the hurt.

     4. “Stop and smell the roses” is the challenge for the dynamic personality style. The static personality is consumed with responsibility and predictability. The challenge for the static style is spontaneity. Everyone benefits from getting in touch with the “undeveloped side” of themselves.

     5. What you find attractive in others often tells you what lacks development in yourself. Therefore, dynamic is often attracted to static, and static is often attracted to dynamic.

     6. The integrated self balances the dynamic and static styles within.

     7. One of the most important components of a healthy relationship is validation, which in many ways is a combination of trust and mutual respect.

     8. In a relationship, consider shifting from an oppositional posture in your communication, to a posture where you intentionally learn from one another.

You can connect with the cohosts through their respective websites:

AFCCounselors.com (Dr. Shalley) / https://www.inyourdreams.coach/contact (Dr. Kelley)

Chapters

• 0:00 Section A

Transcript

SPEAKER_01: 0:13

Welcome to Therapy Coaching in Dreams. I'm Dee Kelly, and I'm here with my co-host, Jim Shaley. We're a coach and a therapist who love talking about how inner work can help you with more awareness, purpose, and freedom. Welcome to the show. Welcome everyone. Today we're talking about ways to understand our personality. There are numerous approaches to doing that, and there are several theories that dominate the landscape. One that has been around for a while in various forms is the Enneagram, which proposes nine different styles or patterns for how a person interacts with people and circumstances. A more recent approach is internal family systems theory, which proposes multiple parts or personalities of an individual, which influence and manage a person's interaction with the world and with one's internal life. Several theories have roots in Yunyan psychology, which is what we're going to look at today. This is an approach that we mention often and both of us use in our respective therapy and coaching practices. At its core, this approach uses two dimensions. The first is how energy guides a person, whether that energy is primarily focused on action or movement, which you refer to as a dynamic approach, or if that energy is more attentive to stabilizing the environment or situation, which is typically referred to as a static energy. So, Jim, explain for us. A person comes to you, they are in a very responsible position vocationally. I don't know if they're a CEO, a surgeon, or whatever the role is that they might have, but they find that they are often in conflict and they've come to you for help. What would be the difference between a dynamic personality style and a static personality style in regard to conflict or how somebody handles conflict?

SPEAKER_00: 2:13

A great question. Initially, I would almost immediately diagnose a CEO that comes to me for therapy as a dynamic personality. And the advantage of a dynamic personality is they come in pretty purposeful. They've had a conflict at work, they've had something at home happen, something that kind of motivated them to say, okay, I need to do something about this. That dynamic approach, typically they'll take suggestions, they'll take advice, and they will usually implement. A static personality will come into therapy, and oftentimes they'll not understand what has happened or what the problem is because they are so static in their approach to life, which means basically that they stabilize things. They just bring things into their lives and they kind of bring order to them and they don't like a lot of change. All of that affects uh how they approach their issues. And whereas a dynamic personality will come in and say, okay, what do I need to do here? Now, the downside of a dynamic personality would be that they go in full wholeheartedly with the suggestions you give them, and so they need to be tempered a little bit. Whereas a static personality will come in and try to discuss how many different ways we could do something before they actually do something. So again, it sounds like one's positive, one's negative. They're just really different expressions, like you described, of how we handle our lives.

SPEAKER_01: 3:50

There is a phrase in business that is sometimes used called the paralysis of analysis. Right. I'm assuming that that's in some ways what you're describing with a more static or stabilizing energy is that they want to analyze and then analyze again to make sure that they're not missing anything before they move forward. Is that fair? Yeah.

unknown: 4:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 4:13

Yeah. So um then and again, I know you deal with what's presented to you, but what would cause a person who has a very dynamic energy to enter into conflict? And tied with that, are they sometimes the last one to know that there's conflict as they move forward? And what kind of conflict or ways by which a person who is more static in their energy might they enter into conflict in the workforce or in the home?

SPEAKER_00: 4:50

One of the challenges for the dynamic personality type, unfortunately, oftentimes they'll come into therapy because they are dynamic. In other words, to use the extreme example, they've had an affair where they're unhappy somewhere in their life, but they can't put a finger on it. They meet someone at the wrong time and they engage in an affair. So typically that brings them into therapy because of the very dynamic personality that they have. And so that's the downside of the dynamic personality. They bring, they can bring situations that have to be dealt with because they keep moving. On the other hand, the static personality oftentimes will cause therapy to happen because they have not moved much, they haven't grown much, they haven't understood uh some of the nuances of relationship, and they'll be frustrated because my typically my husband always wants to do this. I have no interest in doing that. So it starts to bring it starts to cause tension in the relationship from that perspective. But yeah, what causes a static personality to go into therapy typically is unhappiness. Whereas a dynamic personality will come into therapy because they've done they've screwed something up, if I had to put it pretty casually.

SPEAKER_01: 6:12

And they're looking for somebody to help them fix it quickly and move forward.

SPEAKER_00: 6:17

Right. Yeah. In fact, dynamic personality will oftentimes be frustrated with the process, especially if it's a couple's counseling, where uh they've they've messed up and they'll not want to talk about it anymore. They just want to keep moving forward. The static personality will want to talk about it all the time and will bring it up over and over again. The one challenge I have for a dynamic personality is to use that style by on purpose, occasionally, without any prompting, bring up what they did that causes the injury in the relationship. And for a dynamic personality, that's counterintuitive. Why would I do that? It's like that's gonna cause an argument. And the typically the other partner will almost always say, it addresses my hurt and addresses her static her, typically it's the woman, but oftentimes it's the man too. It addresses that static part that wants to know that you know it affected me and hurt me. And that's that's the interesting part as far as the static personality will oftentimes hold on to something because the dynamic personality won't acknowledge it enough.

SPEAKER_01: 7:31

Wow. Um, so let me you've already started to hint at this, but let me ask you to carry it a little bit further. We often talk about um the importance of being uh able to access different parts of who we are. So if a person who has a very strong dynamic energy, which can be incredibly charismatic and attractive because they uh they're the energy that pushed the cart pushes the cart forward, that people kind of join in and hang on to that. But when there is too much of that in a person's life, what will they miss out on if they are not aware of another part of themselves that would benefit from a more balanced approach?

SPEAKER_00: 8:27

Well, the the the the the phrase really is uh stop and smell the roses. Dynamic personalities, they they may cut the rose uh off and then send it to somebody as a token of something, but they won't stop and necessarily smell the rose. Uh yeah, I mean it's it's the I have a client right now that uh they want to go on vacation and just sit at the beach. The man never sits still. That's like torture. And so I'm trying to work out a negotiation to where one vacation uh or a few days of a vacation, they'll sit and just uh you know stare at the stare at the ocean or whatever, whatever he's gonna do.

SPEAKER_01: 9:20

Let me guess what type you are in this.

SPEAKER_00: 9:26

Uh yeah. So that's always fascinating to me because uh you have to get in touch with the other side of yourself. And so I've I asked that gentleman, it was the man that that that wants to sightsee basically. And he said, Why would I why would I do that? I said, Well, because in your silence and just reflecting on things, what would you think about? And again, that's where the dynamic personality goes, well, I'd probably come up with uh a new business plan or some way to improve something here or something there. I said, Yeah, you want to keep moving even in your brain. I said, so you could do that. You could read a book, you could do things like that that feel how that have movement to them. Uh, but typically uh I said, you the other person will go along with you when you do all these fun things, but they'll be exhausted at the end of the day and you'll be surprised, like, that was great, wasn't it? And the static personality will often goes, uh yeah, that was that was really good. You know, can we can we just sit tomorrow?

SPEAKER_01: 10:31

Okay, so then help me with this, Jim, because uh one of the things that you don't want is for somebody to lose that enjoyment of life, the satisfaction that comes with living into that part of their journey. It sounds like you are asking somebody to actually put that on hold as opposed to inviting them, and this is, I guess, just from my perspective, but inviting them into a space that will actually expand their appreciation for a different way to see the world, a different perspective. So help me to understand what is the upside for somebody who has a strong dynamic energy to tap into that part as opposed to just a better relationship. Okay, I'm doing this to please my partner, or I'm doing this to please my coworker, but is there any satisfaction that comes from that?

SPEAKER_00: 11:25

Well, the uh the the uh thing I recommend for really strong dynamic personalities. Uh I had a guy recently that came in and he's really dynamic. He's got he's all over the world doing all these things, and and uh I was exhausted listening to him, but he was always moving. He said, So what you're describing is if I were to slow down, how would I do that? And I said, Do you have a deck? He goes, Well, yeah. I said, okay, on your deck, if you sit out on your deck, I said, is there are there trees around? And he said, Yes, there are trees. I said, so then you start identifying with that who that what that tree is. You try you start looking at the animals, the birds that might be flying. I said, you start focusing on the nature around you, so you get in touch with a different aspect of yourself. Even if it is a little bit dynamic of identifying things, it still gets you in the moment. And I think for the dynamic personality, the moment is to manipulate, not to be in. So to your to your point, is there value in that? I absolutely think there is, because almost always those people are in relationship with a static personality. And I will always say it's look at the attraction. The attraction tells you what part of you you may need to develop. And for a static personality, they're typically in a relationship with a dynamic personality. So what's that balance look like? That's real helpful.

SPEAKER_01: 12:55

I I think that I have found that those who have a very, very strong dynamic side to their journey and follow that dynamic energy, that they often are reluctant to do much inner work because they find such great success in the outer expression of the dynamic energy. So at some point in time, there is a recognition of, yeah, I see all of these things externally, but trying to draw somebody into seeing the color of life in a different way, the inward journey and what it might bring. Um, for example, being attracted to somebody who's very musical. Maybe they're not dynamic in other ways, but that musical or artistic side or the joy that comes with nurturing and compassionate work. But more particularly, inwardly focusing is what I think you were trying to get to when you say sit on the deck, get in touch with nature, but get in touch with what nature does to that which is inside of you, and start feeling the feelings of success or disappointment, the feelings of joy or the feelings of frustration and what that tells you about yourself.

SPEAKER_00: 14:17

Yeah, the feeling level does slow us down. And that's why I said earlier that fortunately or unfortunately, it works out. Usually the dynamic personality causes some type of trauma. That trauma then gets their attention, and then they begin to investigate their feeling level. And sometimes they just want a symptom relief. So just help me feel better. So if there's a break in broken relationship, oftentimes they'll jump right into another relationship and they don't take advantage of what I think uh the universe is trying to tell them, which is to slow down and examine your inner life. Uh fortunately, I've had several men that have been able they've caused great pain, but they've also been able to really take a look internally, but that still is difficult for them because they want an answer. And yet the answer within is to understand themselves better and how they interact and just what the feelings are trying to tell them. And that's that's really challenging sometimes for but if they get a glimpse of it, they really can grow it.

SPEAKER_01: 15:25

I like that. Yeah, I think that when there is a reward or a um some sense of gratification when they have a new idea or a new way of looking at themselves or the world, that that becomes enticing to keep uh going to that place again and again. Let's take the other posture of that when there's too much of the static energy, because static energy um or stabilizing energy is in many ways what makes the world function in a reasonable way. Right. Or at least helping to make it function for more people, more circumstances, um, as those who have that stabilizing energy organize the world and try and create systems for it. So if there's too much of that, what is that person missing out on that you hope to give them a glimpse of what it might look like if they weren't so dominated by a stabilizing or static energy?

SPEAKER_00: 16:32

They're caught up in being super responsible. And so they err on the side of responsibility being the most important thing. Why would you even think of riding a motorcycle? You have three kids. That's a great example. That's the that's the extreme. Uh because that typically that they'll be married to a static personality who will basically say, Why would you even think to do that? Whereas if you can get a static personality on the back of a motorcycle once, they'll love it, but that doesn't mean they'll go jump on a motorcycle again. They enjoyed the experience, but they had to be talked into it. So I think that's where the strength is order and predictability and uh what a child needs until age five or six, it's absolutely crucial. The downside is it becomes so rigid that you can't move beyond that. And, you know, it's like in parenting, the mother may do great until age three or four. The father then kicks in and begins to expand the risk taking oftentimes, or I would say in our framework, the masculine, because sometimes women will do the same thing and some men are more passive in that sense. Uh but yeah, the the static personality, super responsible, to the extreme they can become pretty judgmental and ask the question, why would you do that? Uh, you know, my mother was famous for wanting to know why I would build way back in the woods the house that I have in the woods, because why would you do that? Well, because that's where I want it. But it made no sense. She said, well, people can't even see the house. But you build it out by the pond anyway. Just an interesting approach to how people's, you know, their filters drive them. And so it makes perfect sense to do it the way it's supposed to be done. Because again, the static personality has a strong should voice. Life should be a certain way. And there's truth to that. Knowing when to lighten up and let it become broader is the same way a dynamic personality needs to use the value of the static to know when to be more responsible and not act out impulsively with some things that that you may want to do. And again, the plastic thing is should I should I ride a motorcycle? Should I skydive? Should I do any of these risky things if I uh have a family? Now, the integrated self uh will almost always balance that out naturally. If there's a typically it's the I don't want to sound too uh too gender specific, but if there's a woman who's static who trusts her husband with the kids, they will let them do risky behaviors. And that's such life-giving, especially for I would say the masculine or the boys, for having both both parents embrace the risk taking. And in my mind, that's that's the balance because I can only trust that if I'm the feminine or if I'm the stabilizer, if the dynamic is responsible to the point that makes sense. So we're not going to go out and ride a dirt bike with no helmet or no protection or no padding. That's the compromise. That's that's the dance.

SPEAKER_01: 19:50

And that whole notion of um healthy or balanced applies to all of the things we talk about, like is it a healthy dynamic energy? Is it a healthy stabilizing or static energy? Is it a healthy masculine energy? Is it a healthy feminine energy that I think we have within us probably driven often unconsciously, but a sense when something doesn't seem balanced, when it seems dangerous, when it seems overly restrictive or whatever the case might be. And we react in relationship to that, often reacting out of the unconscious. But if we bring those thoughts further to the surface, we'll be able to articulate why it seems unsafe or why we have the concern.

SPEAKER_00: 20:38

Right. So would would you in your dream work, how would how would it be expressed in a dream that that that dance of would it would a dream expose where one is lacking or overcompensating?

SPEAKER_01: 20:56

It comes out in a variety of ways. It can it can sometimes come out in a plot line where you have certain things that happen within a dream that make you incredibly uncomfortable, or things in a dream that you're automatically attracted to. And sometimes those plot lines can give you an indicator of where you fall on this spectrum. Um, it also comes out in the um the gender mix of the dream. Uh, there are times when somebody will come and every character in the dream will be a masculine image. And so the question then is what is that masculine side trying to draw you to? How what is the story behind a complete absence of any feminine voice in this dream? And what's going on in your life right now that might create that kind of an imagery that got your attention? Um, so yeah, it comes out in a variety of ways, but often the plot line or the action that's taking place will sometimes describe a um dynamic versus static energy in what's happening. I had a couple one time that came in, and in this particular situation, the male was described by both of them as being the one who was spontaneous, wanted to do things in the stir in the in the moment, and just with very little notice to say, hey, let's do this for the weekend, or let's uh do this particular thing. And in again, in this particular case, the spouse, the wife, was the one who was incredibly responsible, took care of the family budget, was very aware of the obligations and commitments they have. And they followed a very typical pattern. And that is that the person who was spontaneous, wanting to model for their spouse how great that is, would propose even more spontaneous things and was trying to live and show them how wonderful that is. And the woman in this case, the more static energy, was forced to move to an even more polarized position of who's going to take responsibility for all of these things, these bills? And they just distanced themselves more and more because they thought that it would model well for their partner. I um looked at the um woman and I said to her, can I just ask, what would it feel like to you if you knew that your partner was being responsible and you had the opportunity for one of these occasions to be the spontaneous ones. And her response was oh my goodness, it would be the greatest day in my life to be able to be the one who initiated spontaneity, but how can I? Because he's not taking responsibility for anything.

SPEAKER_00: 24:05

And that's a whole different conversation because what miss is missing is the validation piece. Yes. They can't hear me at all unless I validate their view and how important it is to them. So you're right they they they they go the polar opposites well wait a minute let me let me show you how much fun this is nope I'm going to show you how you're going to die if you do that.

SPEAKER_01: 24:27

Or I'm going to show you how we're going to be kicked out of our apartment because we don't have enough money because you're saying let's spontaneously go this weekend to Aruba.

SPEAKER_00: 24:38

It's so true. It's so true. It's like and that's why you know Oprah 100 years ago came out with the the uh most important aspect of any relationship is validation. And it there's some truth in that. Until I can see the world through your eyes and appreciate that which is mutual respect as soon as you lose mutual respect it's it's uh it's pretty tough to get it back. But the way you do that is by saying wow you're pretty static you're pretty my my term is it's kind of sounds negative but it really isn't fear based in the sense that I'm aware of the bad things that could happen if you do that. I'm not nearly aware of those just personally I I I will do stuff and and then if there's a consequence I'll pay my way out of it or I'll do something like yes like uh I should have thought that through yeah yeah and the the approach that is sometimes taken is well I'll just apologize for it.

SPEAKER_01: 25:45

Yes. And and the response is often but the apology doesn't seem to change anything. Right. And so until as you just described until you begin to see the world through the other person's perspective a perspective by the way that somewhere in the unconscious you're attracted to for some reason.

SPEAKER_00: 26:09

That's my point all along is that's why you have to look at who you're attracted to.

SPEAKER_01: 26:13

Yes.

SPEAKER_00: 26:13

Those traits, you need those traits you just externalize them in the attraction.

SPEAKER_01: 26:18

Yeah and the problems will continue until you begin to internalize the thing to which you're attracted so that you can be healthy and live in a way that allows the others around you to live healthier as well.

SPEAKER_00: 26:34

Yeah the classic example for me is you can ask your husband and again gender specific husband to vacuum the carpet and they'll vacuum the carpet but they'll leave the vacuum in the middle of the floor for days or they they won't pick up after themselves. That's not following through. So that's another stabilizing trait is put the put the vacuum cleaner away. Oh I didn't even see it sitting there. Oh okay I appreciate you sweeping the floor or vacuuming the floor but could you put it away? Yeah that's a classic example of and women will say he doesn't see it I go no he doesn't see that vacuum cleaner at all it's it doesn't exist. He did what his he did his job there the the these couples are typically in their first probably five or ten years of marriage where they're having those kind of discussions. But to your point it really is uh and I use the phrase a lot look who you're attracted to they have traits that you're supposed to internalize not just let them live those out because then you both become exhausted yeah yeah and it seems to me that very often I I guess I've just seen it happen too many times but if you don't take the time to pay attention to that which is attractive and begin to um find ways to allow that part of you to be nourished and to grow when your partner no longer responds in the way you're wanting him or her to respond, you'll find that exact same trait in somebody else and that erotic attraction leads you to a place where you begin to compromise values, um, commitments because you've not done the internal work. And that's why you often repeat the same pattern with another person. I mean I've I've done this long enough to have been through you know two or three people that have done that and they end up at the same place because to your point they haven't done the inner work again you're you're only as successful in your relationship as you are with a relationship with yourself as we said I think a couple sessions ago and that's really the work. And and the and from my perspective if you can get there the valuable part of it is you have a laboratory right in front of you.

SPEAKER_01: 29:10

Agree completely with your partner. You've been attracted to one of the individuals that could be your very best teacher.

SPEAKER_00: 29:18

Absolutely but sometimes they have gotten in such a negative trap that no matter what the the the static personality says, it's always negative. And no matter what the dynamic personality does it's always wrong. And that's classic 15 to 25 year marriage range or a relationship range where people face that dynamic and it is really difficult to get past those judgments that they've placed. And basically it's an internal judgment where they haven't done their own work to figure out why I'm trying to negate this person instead of embracing them. Because they can't embrace that part of themselves.

SPEAKER_01: 29:58

One of the lines that I like that's an internal message if you can get to this point I think it's kind of a turning point and that is to acknowledge or confess or to say to your partner, I know that I have been oppositional for years, but I want you to know that I'm trying to shift my posture for you to be my teacher. So I'm going to start asking questions and maybe pushing you a little bit and I want you to know it's because I want to learn. I want to learn how you see the world I want to know what you gain from that. I want to learn from you as my teacher as opposed to this person that I have been opposing over and over again.

SPEAKER_00: 30:43

Yeah. And that talk about something that fosters mutual respect when you take that approach but I'm telling you what it's so difficult for them to see the possibility that this that this person that can't stand me can teach me something.

SPEAKER_01: 30:58

Yeah yeah yeah but when you do the work the vision of life and the spectrum of your journey expands in such powerful and beautiful ways it's worth the effort.

SPEAKER_00: 31:16

It does and the interesting thing about it if you take it seriously you begin to see all kinds of opportunities to work on those traits. I have a lady right now who is who's got a very strong static personality but she also is pretty dynamic at the same time but her static personality is much stronger and she's wondering why all these people in her life are doing things she can't control. Wow and I go well you now open the door to having more opportunities to grow because you're going to see them everywhere.

SPEAKER_01: 31:47

Yeah well this seems like an appropriate place to draw closure to this particular session just giving a heads up of where we're going from here next time we're going to talk a little bit more about the differences between the feminine energy and the masculine energy and that there is a dynamic and static side to both of those and they find their expression in different ways. Eventually we hope to get to the place where we have this great appreciation for all the various combinations of where we might fall on this spectrum and try and find some balance for our own life that makes sense for us individually. So we're going to come back to that next time thanks for um great discussion Jim we'll get together again in a week cool thanks Dell that's it for this episode of Therapy Coaching and Dreams. If you're enjoying the podcast we'd love for you to share it with someone who might appreciate it as well and if you are interested in working with either of the co hosts you can do so at their respective websites Dr Shally at AFCcounselors.com or Dr Kelly at inyourdreamscoach. Thanks for being here and until next time keep growing stay curious and take good care of yourself Yeah no that's good stuff.