S2E14 What If Your Dreams Know Your Personality Better Than You Do

A terrifying dream. A stranger at the door. A jolt of fear so sharp it lingers into daylight and forces a question most of us avoid: what if my dreams are trying to tell me something real? We share a special reading from Dee Kelley’s book, Dreamwork, It’s Not That Complicated, starting with an invitation into dreamwork that begins with one unsettling night and the decision not to shut the whole system down just because it’s scary.

From there, we lay out a practical approach to dreamwork for self-discovery. We talk about why dreams aren’t “random nonsense,” and why the goal isn’t to decode a universal symbol list. Instead, we treat dreams as a living dialogue with your inner world, rich with emotion, memory, patterns, and possibility. You’ll hear the three essentials that make dreamwork actually work: committing to self-awareness, staying open to dreams as a tool, and having that one dream that proves the practice matters. We also nod to the research behind why dreaming can support emotional regulation, memory consolidation, and creativity.

In the second reading, we go deeper by applying a theory of personality to dreams. Using a detailed dream example, we explore how dream settings and characters can reflect personality structure, imbalance, and inner conflict. We compare helpful lenses like Jungian psychology (ego and shadow, masculine and feminine energies) and Internal Family Systems therapy (Self, managers, exiles, firefighters), showing how these frameworks can bring order to dream images that feel chaotic and help you move toward integration.

If you want a free Audible copy (limited, first come first serve), visit inyourdreams.coach and click Audible Format. Subscribe, share this with a friend who texts you their dreams, and leave a review so more people can learn to listen to what their dreams are saying.

You can connect with the cohosts through their respective websites:

AFCCounselors.com (Dr. Shalley) / https://www.inyourdreams.coach/contact (Dr. Kelley)

Transcript

Section A

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Welcome to Therapy Coaching in Dreams. I am one of your co-hosts, Dee Kelly. I want to let you know that my new book, entitled Dreamwork, It's Not That Complicated, is available on Amazon in four different formats. It is a practical guide to understanding dreams and yourself. This week's podcast episode is a reading of chapter one, an invitation into dreamwork, and chapter 10, Applying a Theory of Personality. The readings are taken directly from the Audible version of the book. If you are interested in hearing more, I am offering our podcast audience a free copy of the Audible Format. I have a limited number of these free copies available, so it is first come, first serve. Simply go to inyourdreams.coach and click on Audible Format. That takes you to my contact page where you can tell me where to send the complimentary copy. The Kindle version has been very well received, having attained number one best seller in four consecutive weeks. Thank you for your support of the work we are doing. I hope you enjoy this episode. We will be back to our regular format next week. Chapter one an invitation The dream wasn't just frightening, it shook me. This book is about what happens when we stop ignoring those moments and start listening to what our dreams can tell us. Here's the dream. I was looking out the window of my house. Well, technically it wasn't my house anymore. I had moved away for college, and something had shifted in me. I still liked coming home, but it felt different now. Familiar but distant. Kind of like visiting my grandmother's cabin on the lake during summer vacations. I loved it there. I knew the smell of the wood, the sound of the dock, and the feel of the ancient area rugs under my feet. But even as a kid, I knew it was her place. Well, that afternoon, I stood at the window and saw a dark car pull up. A man stepped out, someone I didn't recognize, but I knew instantly he wasn't good. Something about him felt ominous. He walked straight toward the front door. I panicked and hid. Without a word, he walked right into the house, straight to where I was hiding. He knew exactly where I was, and without hesitation or warning, shocked me with an electric cow prod. I jolted awake, heart pounding. The dream reminded me of a recurring dream I had as a child, one that haunted me for years. And this was the first time in maybe eight years that I'd remembered having it again. I didn't know what it meant, but I knew it mattered. So I made an appointment to talk with a school counselor. I'd never been to therapy before, and I wasn't sure what to expect. I was nervous. Nervous about what it meant to go, nervous about who might see me go in, nervous about what I might find out. His office was smaller than I imagined, piles of papers on the desk, books lining the dark wooden shelves behind him. The building was one of the oldest on campus. Stone walls outside, old wood inside. It looked like wisdom should live there. Smelled like it too. After a little small talk he asked why I came. I explained the dream, I told him how frightening it was and how it brought back memories of a recurring dream from my childhood. He listened carefully, asked a few questions, none of which I remember right now, and then he offered his advice. Let's work on helping you stop remembering your dreams. Wait, what? That was his solution? Just forget my dreams? That's it? Something in me knew that wasn't right. I didn't know much about dreams at the time, but I knew they mattered. I knew they were trying to tell me something, and I wasn't about to turn off the signal just because it scared me. So I thanked them politely, said I'd think about it, and I never went back. That uncomfortable experience turned out to be the beginning of one of the most meaningful journeys of my life, my journey into dream work. What is dream work? There is an ancient wisdom nestled in the quiet hours of the night, when the body rests but the mind ventures into realms unseen. Dreams those strange shifting stories that rise while we sleep. They're more than just mental noise or late night entertainment. They are messages from within, rich with insight, emotion, memory, and possibility. Dream work is the intentional practice of engaging with your dreams for personal growth and transformation. It's not about interpreting symbols like some mystical crossword puzzle. It's about forming a relationship with your dreams and letting them show you what's already moving in your inner world. Dreams can reveal unspoken longings, unhealed wounds, creative impulses, and emotional patterns that often remain hidden beneath the surface of waking life. Through dream work, people often report greater emotional clarity, increased creativity, personal and relational insights, and a deeper sense of spiritual connection. Whether your goal is healing, self-understanding, or just better sleep, dream work can serve as a trusted guide. The three essentials of dream work. To start this journey, there are three things you need to embrace or at least be open to exploring. One, a commitment to self-awareness. Dreamwork isn't just for the curious, it's for the courageous. It asks you to turn inward, to pay attention to your thoughts and feelings, to notice the patterns that shape your life. It starts with a simple belief that personal growth is not just possible, but worth it. Two, an openness to dreams as a tool. Our culture tends to dismiss dreams as random nonsense, but neuroscience and ancient traditions agree dreams are meaningful. They reflect the inner life often in symbolic or emotionally charged ways. If you want to do dream work, you must be willing to believe that your dreams matter. Three, a personal encounter with a dream. Reading about dreams is one thing. Experiencing their power is something else. Sometimes all it takes is one dream, a dream that lands with you, that resonates, that stirs something deep inside, to change the way you see yourself. That's when the work becomes real. Dreams are not puzzles with universal solutions, they are living experiences, personal, intimate, shaped by your history, your emotions, and your current life situation. To treat them like riddles to solve is to miss their potential as guides to healing and growth. That's why we don't talk about dream interpretation as a one size fits all method. We talk about dream work as a practice, a dialogue between your conscious and unconscious mind. It's not about decoding a message, it's about listening to a deeper part of yourself and learning how to respond. So what's the foundation of dream work? This approach to dream work is intentionally holistic, grounded in three intersecting fields neuroscience, psychology, and spirituality. Neuroscience helps us understand the biological function of dreams, how they support emotional regulation, memory consolidation, and mental health. Psychology provides frameworks for personality, motivation, and behavior, giving us tools to explore our patterns and inner conflicts. Spirituality honors the dream as a bridge to meaning, purpose, and identity, offering a sense of connection to something greater than ourselves. When these three disciplines come together, something powerful happens. Dreamwork becomes not just a method, but a movement toward wholeness. This book is your invitation into that movement. Whether you're completely new to dreams or have been journaling for years, these pages are meant to guide you, to help you see your dreams not as weird or random, but as valuable companions on the journey to self-discovery. You'll learn how to remember your dreams more clearly, explore them with curiosity, not fear, and understand how your emotions shape them. As a result, you'll be able to use dreams to support healing, creativity, and growth. So let me offer this closing thought. Dreams are not distractions, they are doorways. And these doorways open every night. All that's required is your willingness willingness to slow down, to listen, to reflect, willingness to take seriously the stories and insights your dreaming mind is trying to tell you. So here's your question. Are you ready to listen to your dreams? Endnotes. For those who would like to explore these subjects in greater depth, I have provided end notes at the end of each chapter for you to peruse. For example, Matthew Walker's Why We Sleep is especially helpful in showing how rapid eye movement sleep supports emotional regulation, memory, and brain health. His research helps explain why dreams are not random leftovers from the day, but part of how we stay emotionally balanced. His work and other suggested readings can be found in the Kindle version of this book. Carl Jung's work remains one of the most influential foundations for understanding dreams as meaningful expressions of the unconscious. His view that dream characters often represent parts of ourselves is central to the approach taken in this book. Clara Hill's work in therapy also reinforces the idea that dream exploration can lead to insight, self-awareness, and concrete action. That is important because the value of dream work is not merely in understanding a dream, but in learning something about oneself. Deedra Barrett's research adds another dimension by showing how dreams can contribute to creativity and problem solving. Many people have experienced this personally. A dream doesn't just reveal emotion, it sometimes offers wisdom. Finally, William Domhoff's work in dream science is helpful in connecting dreaming to the brain's default mode network, the system associated with inward reflection, identity, and narrative self awareness. Chapter ten Apply a Theory of Personality What is the nature of your personality? Are you more comfortable leading or following? Are you a peacemaker? Do you quickly move away from conflict? Do you like to organize things? Are you a visual learner or do you prefer to take in information by listening? Are relationships more important than completing the task or is it the other way around for you? Do you migrate towards social situations or do you cherish your time alone? These are all questions that help to define the preferences of your personality. Dreams have a way of describing your personality through the characters, the structures, and the interactions of the dream. The images can feel very random, chaotic, or irrelevant. However, if we have a system by which we understand our own personality structure, we can begin to see the personal patterns in our dreams. Consider the following dream. I'm in the kitchen of a two story home. The water is running and I can't turn it off. I know this has happened here to me before, but I can't remember where to turn off the water. Two sections of the sink are already full, and the third is filling up. The lights go off. My wife heals something from upstairs. I can't hear her because of the water. I think there might be an intruder. I'm worried about being electrocuted if the water pours on the floor. I leave the water to quickly run up to make sure she is okay. I see clothes flying in the air and I know something is wrong. A young female teenager with red hair dressed in white sheets comes running right at me. I can't read her emotions or expressions. She is either angry or afraid. She runs right at my face, I scream in the dream and wake up screaming. Well questions can be asked of the dreamer that might provide insights into the dreamer's life. Questions such as is anything happening in the dreamer's waking life that is frightening? Has the dreamer recently been disappointed by not being able to complete a task which should have been easily completed? Is the dreamer currently feeling overwhelmed by anything in life? All these questions are appropriate and may lead a person to valuable reflections concerning the emotional weight one might be carrying. However, it is possible to take this much deeper. Dreamwork leads us to consider the ways in which dreams might reveal aspects of our personality, and what parts of ourselves might be unhealthy or out of balance. So here are some other questions that a dreamer could ask of themselves if they were trying to understand their personality, its structure, balance, and biases. These questions are based on the notion that all the parts of the dream reflect aspects of a dreamer's inner life, identity, and personality structure. Question number one. If my personality structure is represented by the home in the dream, what might that say about me? What part of me might the kitchen be and what might the kitchen sink represent? Another question or set of questions. My ego is the way I see myself or the way I want others to see me. If I always appear in the dream as my ego, what is my ego trying to accomplish? And why is it so terrified of the part of me represented by the young red headed intruder? Or this question If my feminine side is depicted by the two female characters, my wife and the redhead, what expression of my feminine side might they represent? It is not necessary to be an expert in psychology, sociology, biology, neuroscience, religion, or spirituality to do effective dream work. The characteristics of curiosity, persistence, and a desire for greater self-awareness are the key ingredients for success. However, a working knowledge of some of the components of personality can be very helpful. There are numerous approaches to understanding personality, and several theories dominate the landscape. Some theories consider specific aspects of personality. A popular one is Chapman's theory of five distinctive love languages. Another would be Clifton's inventory of 34 strengths. One that has been around for a while in various forms is the Enneagram, which proposes nine different styles or patterns for how a person interacts with people and circumstances. And then there is the Myers-Briggs typology, which proposes 16 personality types. A more recent approach is internal family systems theory, which proposes multiple parts or personalities of an individual that influence and manage a person's interactions with the world and with one's internal life. Several theories have roots in Jungian psychology, an approach mentioned often in dream work. Let's look more closely at these last two. The work of Carl Jung provides excellent underpinnings for dream work. Psychoanalytic theory proposes that everyone has both masculine and feminine components. They can be explored as both distinct and overlapping parts. They are depicted as masculine, feminine, or androgynous images in our dreams, and they give great insight into our emotional responses to both outward and inward circumstances. Another component of personality proposed by this theoretical approach is how energy guides a person, whether that energy is primarily focused on action or movement, sometimes referred as the dynamic approach, or whether it is more attentive to stabilizing the environment or situation, often referred to as the static approach. Psychoanalytic theory also gives great attention to the unconscious, particularly the portion called the shadow. This is the part of ourselves that we have pushed away, refused to acknowledge or ignored. It may be the part that frightens us or embarrasses us. It is that portion that is not congruent with how we want to be seen by others, or even how we view ourselves. It may also contain that which has been dismissed by one's family, community, or shunned by the culture in which a person is raised. However, this shadow side is an important part of each person and demands attention because it contains powerful energy that, when integrated, can transform the way one lives. Internal family systems theory. This theory is a more recent tool proposed as a therapeutic framework by Richard Schwartz. In this approach, a person is viewed as having many parts or personalities, and these parts can be addressed individually. The parts are divided into four categories. There is the self, which is at the core, and it's the centered part of the person. There are the managers, or the parts that maintain equilibrium and protect the individual from negative consequences. There are the exiles. These represent the isolated parts of the personality, usually underdeveloped, that carry the memories and sensations of the past. And then there are the firefighters. These are the parts that react to the emergence of exiles, attempting to extinguish or distract from uncomfortable feelings. Dreams provide an ideal avenue to explore these parts of the personality. Using this approach to dream work can allow a person to view the characters in a dream as personifications of these four component parts, and even engage in a conversation with them. The purpose of becoming familiar with a theory of personality is so that you can better understand yourself, how you think, react, behave, and relate to others. Applying a theory of personality can enable the dreamer to dig out fresh insights from a dream. It provides structure for understanding complex dream images and increases awareness of recurring patterns in both dreams and waking life. When we notice how our dreams reflect the interplay between our different inner parts, we can better understand our motives, heal inner conflicts, and move toward integration. Applying a theory of personality to dream work provides a structure for understanding what might otherwise feel chaotic. So here's a closing thought. The personality frameworks that are especially helpful in this context are those based on Jungian psychology and internal family systems. Neither framework is meant to be used rigidly. Instead, they offer lenses, ways of seeing that can help make sense of the inner world. The goal is not to fit the dream into a theory, but to use the theory as a guide for deeper self awareness. End notes for those who would like to explore the subject in greater depth. Young's work offers a deep exploration of the unconscious, including concepts like the shadow and the integration of different aspects of the self. His perspective helps us understand why certain dream images feel unfamiliar yet deeply personal. IFS Internal Family Systems, developed by Richard Schwartz, provides a more contemporary framework by describing the personality as made up of different parts. This model is especially useful in dream work because dream characters can often be understood as representations of these parts. Yeah, now it's good stuff.