Self Abandonment and Parasites

“Self-abandonment” sounds harsh, but it’s usually not something people choose on purpose—it’s something we learn because it once helped us cope.

At its core, self-abandonment means ignoring your own needs, feelings, or boundaries to keep something else—like safety, approval, or connection.

 A parasite is an organism that lives on or inside another organism (the host) and benefits at the host’s expense.

More details will be given on the website next week: www.echoesofadream.co.uk 

For now here are the supplements for Parasite cleanse:

Parasites:
Black Walnut and Wormwood Tincture from Prozen. Ivermectin. Clinoptilolite Zeolite . Activated Charcoal. Fulvic Acid.

Heavy Metal Detox:
Fulvic Acid. Coriander. Clinoptilolite Zeolite

Link to the book: The Little Yellow Jacket: A Story of Surviving Trauma, Borderline Personality Disorder, and Finding the Courage to Live.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:03

Hey good morning everyone. Well actually afternoon here in Montenegro. We're here for the little yellow jacket and uh hello dear Sorinda, how are you? Hello V.

SPEAKER_03 0:12

I'm very good today, actually. Yeah, top of the world. I'll start singing the carpenter song.

SPEAKER_01 0:18

No, don't. No, I've heard you sing. It's not something that the general public should ever be. You have many skills, love, but that is definitely not one of them. Cheers, mate. You're welcome. So we're on a bit of a high because we've been hysterically laughing at our own madness before we came on air. So uh we'll try and uh stabilise a little bit. Um we've got a good subject today. Um, we're gonna talk about self-abandonment, uh, why we're trained to self-abandon and the repercussions of that. And then we've got a delicious talk on parasites. Delicious, interesting.

SPEAKER_03 0:58

That's that's how they see us.

SPEAKER_01 0:59

We're delicious, yes. Yes, so I'm currently walking around with gloves and a hazmat and won't touch anyone or hear anyone as a result of the information that we will share. And then we've got some lovely news at the end about projects that we're individually working on that we're we're gonna bless you with. So let's get into it. Self-abandonment. What comes to mind, Serena?

SPEAKER_03 1:21

Oh my gosh. Well, uh six decades, six decades of self-abandonment come to mind. It's um, let's see, losing yourself. Um not oh oh my gosh. Oh my gosh, hang on, hang on. Uh it's yeah, it's losing yourself. It's actually not feeling that you're worthy of you know, it's not like you're not capable. You're capable of love and kindness and attention and you know uh encouragement and all those myriad of things, but you don't think that you're worth any of those things. So you you you you know give them to everybody else, but you know, they don't um um come into your sort of um arena um and you know for you to use um for yourself. Um so you're constantly letting yourself go, you're set constantly giving yourself away. Um you have no needs, no um, you know, you'll you'll abandon yourself, your health will be terrible, you won't look after your body, your your mental health. Um I mean it's almost like you're a kind of sort of um robot, actually. I kind of feel like possibly you're quite like a robot who can keep just keep doing doing doing things, but I'm sure robots even also need, you know, a bit of care and attention, don't they? So but yeah, I see it like that. Like, yeah, it's not even about putting yourself first, it's just like not even caring for yourself, considering yourself.

SPEAKER_01 2:44

When I asked you the question, you became instantly dysregulated. Why'd you think that was?

SPEAKER_03 2:51

Um I'd love if somebody said to me she doesn't have like putting you on the spot.

SPEAKER_00 3:00

But you love it.

SPEAKER_01 3:01

Let's ladies and gentlemen, she's not a victim, right? Let me tell you, if there is a darkness path to be taken, she's up the front volunteering, lit literally with a little lamp and your picnic basket, you're like, right, if we're gonna go down into the darkest, depraved part of humanity, I'm going. And sometimes you willfully ask him for this.

SPEAKER_03 3:20

Yeah, no, no, I know, it's terrible. What the situations I put myself in, it's unbelievable.

SPEAKER_01 3:25

It's a true explorer, right? Listen, if you're in here, yeah, if if you've come to this earth as many of us have, okay, for with a soul's purpose to make a difference in this conscious timeline, you've got to be able to stand in darkness and not be frightened of it. You have to learn how to evolve, and that's that's what you do. So I'm curious why you become dysregulated when asked the question.

SPEAKER_03 3:48

Oh, I I think I've just always done it. So that's that's always done it. And I think actually today, probably just these last few days, when I actually, this project we're going to talk about, and actually did something for myself, found my voice. Um, and I know with the podcast I found my voice and with coaching, but this is like, you know, something, you know, um something I had started a long time ago and um it sort of stopped and then I've picked it up again. And I think I think that's why actually, and I kind of probably feel a bit, you know, emotional because um when I think when you do come back to yourself actually and stop abandoning yourself, first of all, there's got to be a grieving, hasn't there? And I think you know, that's yeah, absolutely, you know, so I think that's why I became dysregulated because actually after the podcast, I'm going to have to sit for a minute and just go, wow, I mean, how did that happen? Let's say, you know, since the age of 18 when I left home, which is almost 50 years ago, you know, wow, what happened to me? And just take a moment and um, yeah, you know, put your hand on your heart. And uh for me, it's always like looking at that girl who left home and was going, right, I'm my own woman, I'm gonna do what I want, you know, I'm not gonna have an arranged marriage, I'm not gonna do these things, no one's gonna control me. And then you look at life and how it panned out and you go, wow. So I think that's what that's what came up for me, kind of um an acknowledgement that wow, yeah. Long, many, many years of self-abandonment.

SPEAKER_01 5:10

Because what I heard was vulnerability, actually, what I heard was pain in the voices. Self-abandonment for so many people is they don't understand why they're doing it, first of all. So I'd like to explore that if that's okay today. I'd like to explore where we learn to self-abandon.

SPEAKER_03 5:23

Yes, please, that's important, I think. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 5:26

Yeah, and the secondary gain of it. There's a benefit to self-abandonment. Okay, it might be maladaptive, but there's definitely, you know, um a reward in it, there's a safety in it to a degree. But then what happens to us and and how do we find our way back to ourselves? Which is kind of why I wanted to illuminate your story today on a project that you're running that will come to, because it's such a lovely story of hope, really. And it's but it's also in real time, it's really happened. So it's not just an ideology, it's something that you you're achieving. Um I think it's lovely for people to know that I know you reference your age, and you know, it it in the podcast, it's because age is important, especially for women, because I think a lot of women think they get to a certain age and that's the end. I actually think it's the beginning.

SPEAKER_03 6:14

Yeah, no, I feel like it's the beginning of my life, uh my life, to be quite honest. And I'm not actually feeling, you know, do you know what I mean? I feel actually really young, I feel like about 10 or 20 years younger, but I think it's almost like um, you know, you just kind of think, I don't, you know, how many more years I've got on the planet, sort of thing. I was thinking, and I thought these years now really need to matter and be like, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 6:36

To you, to me, to me, yeah, yeah, yeah. And um, you know, I've seen how fast you walk, most 20-year-olds can't walk that fast. That's a supernatural speed of little legs I've ever seen. Honest to God. I when I walk, I have to have an oxygen mask. It's outrageous that speed. So okay, let's let's get into it. So, and thank you for your vulnerability on that as well. Okay. Self-abandonment is something that we're trained to do. Wait for this, everybody, before the ages of five. And self-abandonment actually starts at the minute a baby looks at her mother's face. Oh, cracking, okay. And if the facial recognition isn't there, a child will already start to realize that it's not safe. It starts to realise automatically a child. Now we've done a lot of pre pre-birth information, but we don't we haven't really discussed what happens. So when a child comes out and say our mum is very stressed or she's very worried, or she's high, or she's anxious, or she's too busy. Unfortunately, ladies and gentlemen, Botox now plays a huge part in emotional dysregulation of children.

SPEAKER_03 8:00

Oh my gosh, of course.

SPEAKER_01 8:02

Because we read emotions from the forehead.

SPEAKER_03 8:05

Oh, really?

SPEAKER_01 8:07

That's how that there's brain recognition of whether someone's angry or sad is through the lines in the forehead. And this is why I know this is absolutely wild, this is why there we see an increase of young mental health now because they cannot read the facial expressions of their mother. I think that's been introduced, but we'll save that for another day when I identify as a conspiracy theorist.

unknown 8:35

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 8:36

So today I'll be a shrink. Okay, so I'll be rational today. You're kind. I have to try sometimes, Serena. So babies can't read the recognition, or when they read the recognition, they start to realize I'm on my own. So you start to see children very slowly withdraw or they cry or they have attachment disorders or they feel anxious. It's very, very high signs of that child is already self-abandoning, doesn't know how to self-regulate.

SPEAKER_02 9:11

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 9:13

As you get a little bit older, you go into school, and people aren't always nice. Unfortunately, children play out a lot of their home issues inside school. And children learn to people please. They learn to start socially prostituting themselves, they learn to mimic, they learn to mask, because self-abandonment becomes survival, self-preservation. And that is how it continues through life, not speaking your truth, not saying how you really feel, pretending you like things when you don't, not calling people out, saying yes to things when you should be saying no, normalizing abuse, all of these things happen because the secondary gain is I will be safe with this person as long as I'm not myself. Oh my gosh. I will pause there.

SPEAKER_03 10:09

Yeah, I will be safe with this person as long as I'm not myself, because the self, myself, is what something that you just think is you know horrendous, basically.

SPEAKER_01 10:20

Weak, vulnerable, full of shame, I'm not attractive, my bum's too big, I'm not I'm not you know capable, I don't have any skills. Years and years of unhealthy attachment or insecure attachments when we get into attachment styles, years and years and years of that. You don't honestly believe anyone's gonna want the real you, so you make up multiple versions, that is self-abandonment.

SPEAKER_03 10:47

Yeah, so then you basically we know when I say this quite a lot, don't I? Casting your pulse before swine, so you just basically you know give yourself away, don't you, to the quite possibly the lowest bidder.

SPEAKER_01 10:59

Well, whoever chooses you.

SPEAKER_03 11:02

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 11:04

If someone chooses you, it's such a relief, it doesn't matter if they're monstrous.

SPEAKER_03 11:10

Mm-hmm. Because they chose you. Yeah. For the first time in your life, someone chose you.

SPEAKER_01 11:15

Yeah, and they could be a rabian lunatic, you know. And especially if if people then start love bombing you, they start validating. You can't even listen to what they're validating, that they might be validating your strength and independence because they don't want to invest in you. You can't even hear that, you hear it as a compliment, not as a red flag.

SPEAKER_03 11:37

I remember you said something once about um uh raising children, and um I said that uh, you know, I felt like I'd done it all by myself, but um but consciously left out, you know, my partner and and actually the turnaround that you know when you you know when you expressed it to me. And I've actually shared this with quite a few friends, and then they kind of go, Oh my gosh, that makes so much sense. That actually it was something that's instigated by the other person to actually make you think that you've you've got all the power, isn't it? But it's their yeah, it's the fact that they don't want to do it at all, but they kind of give you you've got the illusion that you're doing what I mean, you're making the choice.

SPEAKER_01 12:14

Exactly that. And I think it's a very when people are trying to come out of narcissistic and abusive relationships, especially people that suffer from DID, which is you know, disassociative identity disorder, where they have multiple personalities, multiple versions of them depending on they'll become anything for anybody. Or you're dealing with BPD, which is you know is very close to my heart, is borderline personality disorder, where a child has to split in order to have a public version and then they have an internal version. This is an epidemic level now. It is, isn't it? Yeah. Because everybody's taught that who you are isn't good enough with social media, you know, with this uh fake life that everybody's living, and now you've got the zim what is it, a zempic and all of these dietary drugs where people are skeletal, you know, what they call it, heroin chic now, is we're constantly told what we are isn't good enough. So if a mother is telling herself she's not good enough and then she doesn't show up for a child, there's a chain reaction.

SPEAKER_02 13:27

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

unknown 13:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 13:31

So to come round then when we're a self-abandoner, we tend to attract people that are very happy for us to abandon ourselves.

SPEAKER_03 13:39

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was a big realization. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 13:42

Yeah. This is where the narcissist meets a codependent or borderline personality disordered person or someone who has perfectionist syndrome. They go together beautifully. Because they already know you're going to abandon yourself because you laugh when they're not funny. Right? You think they're attractive when they're not, you forgive everything and say, Oh, it's because you know they've got trauma or they did this, or they did you make radical excuses for people. They already know you're abandoning your own self.

SPEAKER_03 14:15

Oh, yeah. And if you think about all the red flags that uh, you know, a lot of us have in relationships. I mean, some of them not even like that, you know, sort of you know, awful, let's say, but you know, we ignore all of them. We kind of think, you know, so many things like, oh gosh, I'm nearly 30, you know, I'll never find anyone else. I've had that so many times, you know. So, you know, almost like better the devil, you know, literally.

SPEAKER_01 14:36

Um cases, some people should never find anyone else with their track history. Yeah, yeah, yeah, quite, quite. Just stay single. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. But to you, what you were saying about even within your own marriage, it's if people flatter you for being independent and having no needs and being sacrificial and loving everyone, that is a massive risk. Why would someone want that for you?

SPEAKER_03 15:00

Yeah, yeah. So they don't have to invest.

SPEAKER_01 15:05

And then you get off on it, you think, Oh, it's so amazing. Look how much I do, like they really love but but look at the look at the pathology that's going, look at that cycle that's going on.

unknown 15:15

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 15:16

It's cruel.

SPEAKER_03 15:17

No, no, I I agree. I agree. I mean, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 15:21

Why would someone that loves you want you to do everything?

SPEAKER_03 15:25

Yeah. Oh because it works for you. Well, sorry, works for them because it totally works for them. They don't have to do anything, they don't have to invest, they can just actually, and also because you're investing so much in them, they're getting like, you know, off on it and you know, growing, changing, maturing. I mean, how many of us do that, you know? Gosh. And then you're left, you know. I always kind of said this uh after my separation uh to to my ex-partner, that if there's a line at naught, he was up there at plus 50, and I actually was at minus 50 and I had to get to naught, you know, just on things I had to, you know, everything, care and everything, you know, working on myself and um confidence and out in the world, everything, yeah. It's yeah.

SPEAKER_01 16:12

Because you apply all your skills, right? It's a self-abandoning, you apply all your skills to the people you love, they grow abundantly. Yeah, they don't face any consequences, yeah. Every need is taken care of.

SPEAKER_03 16:24

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was programmed, as I've I've said before, at the age of 11 to look after everybody. So I've done that with my siblings, you know. That's just I I suppose I created being needed with being loved. And I was told that you don't have any needs, and uh so yeah, a program to be self-abandoned even then if it wasn't happening already. Um, just put the little let's put the legal stamp on it now. And uh yeah, that's what I've done. I just thought, yeah, it doesn't matter. I'm fine, I'm confident, I can do it, you know, I don't need anything.

SPEAKER_01 16:52

Which is delicious. It's like serving yourself up as a three-course meal for someone that agrees you should abandon yourself. So where they become top of the food chain, yeah, you're exhausted, body's broken, sick, immune system, fatigued, riddled with all sorts of weird maladaptive coping mechanisms in food, drug you know, drink, drug, sh whatever that is. But they're blazing. They're blazing because they've used you, you've used your energy field, your soul, your spirit to grow their life but deny the existence of you. Yeah, yeah. And that is the greatest crime. So we wanted to talk about self-abandonment because a lot of people why can't I think, or you know, why why don't I have any motivation? Because you've never thought you had a value. You see, your value is in creating value for others, not that you are actually valuable, need to create value for yourself.

SPEAKER_03 17:56

Oh my gosh, I like that. Yeah, your value is in creating value for others.

SPEAKER_01 18:04

So if you are out there and you are a self-abandoner, I should imagine if you're listening to this, you have that inside of you. There is a very big difference between loving people and sometimes extending yourself. That's absolutely essential for any relationship. There are seasons when we're not going to put ourselves first. There are seasons where the people that we love, you know, they need to have to come first. Like a reference professional. There has been some clients over the years and where I've had to get up two, three, four o'clock in the morning and make sure that they're calling me when they're in a nightclub and high, or you know, they're overseas, and they're you know, they're they're not right and they're in very dangerous positions, and that has happened unfortunately too many times for my liking with young people where they don't feel connected enough to their family and friends, they will want to call me in the middle of the night, and I have to sit while they're high and talk them down because I'm very concerned. Now, if in a normal situation, which people think therapists should have all these boundaries, I'm sorry, I don't think they should in certain situations. There's someone's life on the line. Yes, you're not going to sleep that night. Yes, you're gonna be exhausted the next day, yes, you still got up and you've got full caseload, and you know, you've got kids and animals and all the normal obligations, but in that moment, that to me is an act of love. That's not self-abanded, that's extending yourself as as a being of love. Absolutely, yeah, yeah. But I think that is very different in relationships professionally or personally where people expect you to put yourself last. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, so if you're listening to this, I think what we'd like you to do is just invite you and encourage you to do is to look at any of your relationships where someone has an expectation that you don't need investment or love or care or generosity of spirit, and think why am I agreeing to abandon myself for someone who doesn't care about me?

SPEAKER_02 20:22

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 20:24

Because it frees you in the spirit, doesn't it?

SPEAKER_03 20:26

Absolutely. I was gonna say that's the the biggest gift you can give yourself, actually. And it doesn't matter who they are, you know, how close they are to you, children, you know, say siblings, friends, partners, whatever. It's we we we've got to do that. If not now, when? And um for me it's been such a big eye-opener, and it's always been, oh, you know, for me, oh, they can't help it, or you know, I I've I've got it more together than they have, or whatever. But it's a choice as well, isn't it, for them, you know, and also you're you're you're enabling, you're enabling them to be the worst version of themselves, and you're enabling your own demise.

SPEAKER_01 20:59

And your own magical thinking. I love uh do you know what always fascinates me actually? I was having this conversation this morning when I was in sessions, is we make up all these stories that people are unaware of, or it's like they haven't had lobotomy.

SPEAKER_02 21:12

Yeah, right.

SPEAKER_01 21:13

They haven't had Alzheimer's, they pay their bills, they go to the top like where when did we decide that there was an aspect of these people that were completely unconscious, but yet they know when to do it and not to do it?

SPEAKER_03 21:23

Well, as you said, you they don't behave like that at work. But equally, you know, why don't we apply the same to ourselves?

SPEAKER_00 21:30

Right. But when do when do we keep giving them a green past that they were different? They always say, Oh, but they were so different when I met them. Yes, because they absolutely knew what they were doing.

SPEAKER_03 21:40

There's a there's um I remember grow growing up, you know, and I'm you know, my mum puts out masses of sort of this sort of behavior and you know, got it as well. But there's a phrase, um, you know, when I complained about you know doing too much for, let's say, siblings, because I'm one of the older ones, and my mum used to say, Oh, it doesn't matter. There's this phrase that she would use, oh, it doesn't matter. matter. You know, she doesn't have what you've got. And they just perpetuate it constantly. You know, it's like well, you don't matter just because, you know, you look like you've got it more together. And um yeah, you owe it. You owe it. It's it is. It's it's horrible. It's horrible.

SPEAKER_01 22:17

It takes away all your efforts, your agency, your sovereignty, boundaries, this is my domain. I think it takes away any safety.

SPEAKER_03 22:26

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It does. It does. Well, uh uh all your boundaries are completely eroded. You don't know actually, you know, you it's almost like it's a bit of a what you want to call it? A bit of a mind fuck, I was going to say you know, you know things are not right, things are wrong, and but you're being told constantly that it's okay um and you know don't take it too seriously or it's not that upsetting. It's just twisted, isn't it? Cognitive distortion. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 22:51

I think um when I grew up I don't reference a great deal of my my childhood because out of as I always say out of respect um for other family members. But I remembered growing up people always just say my my nickname everyone very personal name is Belly okay and today I actually found out that Varon Rose is a flower before I thought it was a short German man. So I'm quite I'm radically excited about that by the way that in fact it's Juliet that gets rid of all pests no pun intended but now I'm not a sh a short German man. But growing up my parents my parents everyone telly so strong and she's so capable and she's so bright. Okay. I'll explain that the reason why I was strong is because I was firefighting from the age I was I was therapizing my mother from the age of six. Yeah and I was preventing domestic violence from the age of six where I remember laying on my father because I was the only one he wouldn't hit and I love my father I have to explain this to everyone my father had chronic mental illness and came from abuse he was not and that's not gaslighting my dad knew he absolutely did wrong and apologised there was no lack of accountability it's ultimately I think what what killed him his own shame his own broken heart um but I remember l laying on him and hugging him to stop him hurting other people and I was six and I learned to read the room I learned to watch breathing patterns I learned how many drinks people had I learnt tonal patterns I learned body language so when people say how come you know stuff how comes you connect and where did you train I trained in abuse wow yeah yeah yeah awesome right I used to sit in bed and and listen to the raised voices and where it was going to escalate and then I used to listen to the silence and I remember when my sister was born I was five when my sister was born and I I remember that's when I started uh hallucinating and used to have all sorts of visions and all sorts they used to hospitalize me and I I remembered now looking back that it was my nervous system so overloaded at the responsibility of protecting her because I had already abandoned myself and the the loyalty to my sister was I was not going to abandon her. Oh yes ever. Now I'm gonna share a really intense story if that's all right. Please okay when I was 12 um my my parents made a very very poor decision and uh left us with my uncle and his partner uh to babysit and my uncle was a heroin addict and definitely had strange behavior around children. And I think this is why I'm so close in the spirit to Epstein and child abuse and why I've got a a certain kind of disposition that will not leave children in that condition. I don't think oh it's too much I can't look at it I won't and I remember being uh 12 and um it was very clear that my uncle had sexual intentions towards my sister who was seven and you know my parents were out and you know alcoholics and and all sorts of things and um I remember in that moment him watching her and his partner was high she I think she'd you know she had some heroin and I remember thinking he's gonna do something to her and it's just me and her in the house and I was a savvy street kid gentle but I was so verocious in the spirit I was so on my game at such a young at such a young age and I thought what I'm going to do because this is going to happen one way or the other we're not getting out of this house because I remembered where they were positioned in the house. I remembered the patio doors being locked and I we didn't have a back door to our living room and I thought to get past him I have to go through the hallway and he's there's no way that I'm gonna be able to get past him. So I thought what I'm gonna do is take my sis I'm I'm gonna take a hit on this one. And I remember putting my sister to bed and locking the door and I won't go into details what what happened after that but let's just say I wasn't a virgin after that night and have suffered in incredible health womb issues and miscarriages and all sorts of things thereafter as a result of what happened that night. And that self-abandonment but that was willful self-abandonment because I had to make a choice in that moment it's either me or my sister. Yeah yeah yeah and I made the right choice because it was going to happen and I know my I knew I knew I had a good read of my sister and I thought she would never recover but I will. Oh gosh yes and have yeah yeah so when we talk about self-abandonment I want to say to all those people out there this might might seem like an extreme story to you your story won't be that less extreme all those times that you've been with people that haven't loved you all those friends that have let you down or stabbed you in the back all the times you've you've done things for people and they haven't reciprocated the 35 year marriages those friends that you thought were your friends and then they don't make any effort with you or they stab you or people professionally let you down or they let your kids down. This and betrayal is betrayal. Yeah absolutely yeah right across the board and if you're smart and you're on your game and you know how to read the room but you've been trained to override yourself but you've been trained to use that hypervigilance to please other people it's now time to stop. Yeah absolutely yeah it's time to stop your hypervigilance will always be a part of you and I think that's a spiritual gift that becomes extreme intuition yeah yeah true and you want to use it you probably have a gift whether you want to become a poet or a writer or a counsellor or whatever it is you want to do in life I think that you probably have a gift of service but that isn't self-abandonment that's using that self that was created in trauma for a higher purpose.

SPEAKER_03 28:51

Yeah yes absolutely yeah what do you think about that? Yeah no I totally agree I mean the latter last bit and first of all I just want to say uh your your story I'm so sorry to hear that I'm so gosh thank you Angel Girl I wished it was an isolated case but as we're discovering on her journey I think it happens far too often yeah absolutely yeah and thank you so much for being vulnerable and sharing thank you welcome yeah um no I was thinking about the last bit about the self-abandonment and I've gone off on uh my brain's gone off somewhere else um um oh gosh what what what was take a moment take a moment you shared love and you've come off par for a sense all right what was the last thing you said so we were kind of talking about it's time to stop you know that to turn it into purpose oh yeah exactly and and I remember actually um I mean I had I had a lot of therapy and quite intense for many many years um to help me process everything and um I remember feeling a sort of a bit of a loss and you said to me you know there's no purpose to your pain and that's what you're saying isn't it actually when we've gone through these things I mean not everybody chooses to do that but that's what I've chosen to do and and and you too that actually you know we've been somewhere and um yeah just you know we've got these we've gifts that you know that we've trans well let's translate them into gifts and um I kind of feel like I I want to support yeah I really I'm I'm there I want to support people now who not to encourage them them to do what I've done but to actually just have an understanding you know yeah open their eyes basically a reconnection to self and when per when pain doesn't have any purpose people don't get well yeah okay well but that purpose is art right painting sculpting flower arranging opening up a cafe writing a book making you know even loving an animal is purpose right loving a homeless animal because I definitely know animals have saved my soul there's no two ways about it you know planting vegetables these all have purpose in pain because I tell you what they do they all require love you know it's it's it's not just helping people there's so many areas that that need help yes people hugely but also the animals also the plant kingdom also music and creativity all of these things like we've got someone in our community I won't know because she wants to remain anonymous but she's the most fantastic poet you know she's such a great writer and you know her very well Serena I've talked to you about that or you probably know who I'm talking about we'll talk about it off air but she's her whole heart and soul goes into her poetry and when I read it it's like a part of me that hasn't been witnessed is witnessed through her writing oh wow she becomes my friend in her expression yeah and that's why we kind of want to say to you whatever it is you do charitable making things for people you know doing whatever creative things you're doing it has a purpose yeah absolutely I mean I came out of myself by first I mean even before I did any training I went to volunteer in a care home and that was the best thing ever happened to me actually and and it transformed you.

SPEAKER_01 32:14

Yeah it did it did absolutely so hopefully that's pack the punch yeah can I get up off of the floor now yes of course um and then we're gonna talk about something disgusting something really hideo before we end on a very noise note about our project. So we want to talk to you about parasitical infection yeah yeah there is I yeah I think it's something that people are aware exists but I think most people I mean counting myself um I think most people aren't aware that actually we probably all have um parasites in us yeah yeah no doubt about it yeah so it's all right if I give some facts are they gonna be gruesome yeah lovely so if you're eating spaghetti or noodles or patty it's probably time to put them down so just just to put it out there the foundation of every single illness is a parasitical infection everything autoimmune conditions neurological conditions hormones cancers skin ex particularly if you've got skin issues like eczumo psoriasis even uh bipolar now most personality disorders have found that they come from a parasitical infection. Wow yeah okay so if you have an animal if you've ever eaten salmon or shrimp or any type of pork you have parasites 100% okay so paraly parasitical infections you can live with for 10 to 20 years and not even know um if you're prone to bloating or physical stiffness or hormone imbalances, emotional dysregulation, anxiety insomnia itchy bottom itchy skin you have parasitical infection. Yeah yeah yeah okay so it comes from food and it comes from soil oh soil as well okay yeah it can be found in the soil because animals obviously have a lot of waste in soil and then we're digging in sores where you must wear gloves and obviously it comes from animals less so from dogs but very very high if you've got cats.

SPEAKER_00 34:41

Parasites are the foundation of all illness and emotional dysregulation also creates anemia endrometriosis I mean polycystic ovaries are all parasites people okay so once we found out those facts before going to some other things we then also found out didn't we surrender that it can they live in the mouth and they can be transferred eggs through kissing and they're also transferred through sex.

SPEAKER_01 35:14

Yeah yeah that was nice wasn't it indeed so this is the grim bit someone has a parasitical infection and they've been seeded from somebody else's eggs and they sleep with you you are then sleeping and have inside of you everybody else they've slept with. Oh gosh it's a pretty grim thought it is it is absolutely so then we went on this massive exploration we started watching videos about worms coming out of people's eyes their ear canal coming out their skin being pulled out of their bottom saw one with a foot long tapeworm coming out of someone's vagina thought that was nice and this is a real thing people and it does create all sorts of mental and emotional and physical health disorders so this has to be taken super super seriously and I think a lot of people are in therapy I think a lot of people are where they've self-abandoned their bodies and they don't eat right and they don't take care of themselves will go to a doctor and they're treated for the symptoms but they're not treated for the calls.

SPEAKER_03 36:34

Yeah absolutely yeah yeah and give them an antibiotics and um I was just gonna say I don't know about UV but um I don't think lots of people who've got kids will probably relate to this but I remember having thread worms when I was um when the kids were little uh because you know they just trans you know yeah they wash the hands properly or whatever somebody will have it in the classroom and then everyone will have it and I remember having thread worms then I don't know what I took at the time but you know it's so easy it's I mean it's common and easy and also I noticed um a lady actually who um yeah she she'd um passed a a big big long worm actually and taken it to a GP who just actually was appalled and um couldn't think of what he what she should do about it.

SPEAKER_01 37:15

Yeah can you hear me okay something very strange is happening. You've gone a little bit quiet you've gone a little bit quiet. Yeah it's very strange on here sorry about that people it's probably because I was like gagging at the thought of it but yeah I think the threms you know uncooked meat as well salmon shrimp um but what is salmon is 80% parasites and I think you're right children always and ringworm children used to get ringworm a lot a lot so we have to take it seriously so what Serena did was fantastic she's actually put a detox protocol um together that we're going to put in the bio about what supplements to take but you also found out that they release metal when they're dying off didn't you found out a lot of good information.

SPEAKER_03 37:57

Yeah yeah because it's actually it's not so it's not easy it's not just as easy easy like you know you take wormwood and black walnut or whatever that actually when they're dying off they're what is what they produce and then there's so this yeah there's that's it's a bit more complicated. And so I've actually written down some of the things that I've um um the the products to take um also you have to make sure that you keep regular as well because they've got to be passed out. So you know there are things to take for that and um there's a you know you've got things to kill them then you've got something called a binder which you know I think you know they bind to basically and then they've got to be you know like I say expelled because I thought about doing a fast actually I thought oh I'll do a juice fast and I thought no they die off where are they gonna actually go you know because you you know you're not you know you didn't end up being a bit constipated. So um yeah yeah I have put some things together but um people do yeah do do research and look at some of these products if you do you know come um across the list and there'll be lots there'll be many many more actually not that that's just a tip of the iceberg that I found but there's plenty yeah there's plenty of stuff out there.

SPEAKER_01 39:01

And they're all natural but please check them please check them you know if you're taking any form of medication but they are all natural um and I would say from my own detox when I've gone through this I was absolutely stunned what was coming out of my body and I'm a very healthy person and I was absolutely stunned.

SPEAKER_03 39:18

So you know also you have symptoms sorry to interrupt but you do also your body you know I haven't had that yet but you do don't you have whatever shakes and things and whatever.

SPEAKER_01 39:27

Yeah it's gonna you're going to that's quite common isn't it as well yeah because they're in the muscles they live in the muscles yeah um you know so sometimes you itch and you get a bit feverish a bit chill you know when they're dying off you get really cold and you know because they give off Epstein bar virus they give off all sorts of viruses so it's so important now that as we're talking about a lack of self-abandonment that you know but just daily taking a couple of supplements could eradicate and get rid of so many health issues.

SPEAKER_03 39:56

Oh yeah absolutely um I was still I think I was reading something about a doctor uh in South Africa and uh not a doctor but somebody who does autopsies and he said the you know when the amount of times he's cut people up and found parasites it's been absolutely appalling.

unknown 40:11

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 40:12

Yeah and I wonder if in the Western world we think oh it won't happen to us but I mean there was that that um on Instagram because you know I love sending people disgusting Instagrams and I do I find it fascinating there was that lady went into um uh a supermarket a very well known store and um she took out the salmon packet and there there were worms moving in the salmon. Oh really she saw the yes yeah you sent me that didn't you they're wriggling weren't they yeah in in a British supermarket yeah so yeah I think it's time it's time it's time that we stop abandoning ourselves emotionally we stop abandoning ourselves spiritually to reconnect with our own energy yeah to take space to return to nature to walk Epsom salt baths you know good company lots of belly laughter but also stop abandoning our bodies if you've got something foreign in there like leeches and parasites I think it's a spiritual relationship metaphor by the way it's time to completely clean house and return to yourself.

SPEAKER_03 41:09

And also it's not a you know I like to say to my children when I wanted to give them herbal concoctions you know look this is not me being woo-woo this is actually an old thing you know and ancient things herbs have been around forever. The medicine is the new stuff and um I read somewhere that actually doctors um used to actually buy kind of sort of rote always do parasitical cleanses with patients you know years ago and that pre-1946 pr pr was it okay yeah before 1946 all doctors were trained in parasitical infections and parasitical treatment and this is why we don't we didn't have all the things that we have now and the mental health and neurological disorders that we have now.

unknown 41:48

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 41:48

Um babies can be born with parasites through the mother yeah yeah of course yeah yeah yeah think about that it's horrific so now um there is no parasitical training there is only pharmaceutical training so most GPs okay now are trained in pharmacy they're not trained in health issues anymore and I don't know if anyone's ever gone to the doctor and the doctor said right we need to do your blood works if your counts are up if this and this and this to check if you've got a parasite yeah no no force yeah yeah right so again when the medical industry changed in the late 1940s and we know why because certain families very powerful families bought the medical industry that was the end of screening for for parasites if you think how much parasites are in the waters now in drinking water alone let alone the food system and now it's in our bodies yeah I I think if we you know we have to know about these things now.

SPEAKER_03 42:47

I think yeah I think so I think it's this is not conspiracy anymore you know I mean you know it's fact yeah absolutely but but it's always I knew you're saying about the water I was reading an article about in the in one of the weekend papers some time ago might have mentioned it and um the all the water authorities test their water and the amount of cocaine and uh prescription drugs in London water. Steady love there's a lot of people out there might be getting it in containers now you've said that we'll see thousands of people did she say there was coke in the water yeah quite don't even I don't even have to spend my own money. Yeah but there's also other crap in it as well so literally but um yeah yeah come on believe in it believe yeah oh B has disappeared and I'm not totally sure I'm back I'm back I'm back I'm back oh what happened something's going on with my phone today um I think it's my phone doesn't like parasites. Oh okay I thought I was gonna have to start ad libbing actually might start singing you know something no that'll never happen I'm so sorry everyone we have to allow for

SPEAKER_01 44:00

All things. All things. So yeah, we'd just say now that we've done um kind of the self-abandonment spiritually and physically, I thought it might be really nice to hear your story.

SPEAKER_03 44:11

Ah, okay.

SPEAKER_01 44:12

About what you launched today, what you're launching.

SPEAKER_03 44:14

So um in 2006, I had three young children, and I um I actually I did a bit of life coaching, and out of that um came uh I did a I've got a really lovely uh it's not a mantra, but it was about um I wanted to sort of create community, I wanted to be creative as well and bring people together. And then I got on a whim, I decided to start a blog, and which I did. Um and at first it was just, you know, uh right. It was just writing about things that, you know, I've done a bit of this or I made this recipe or whatever. But actually, it took on a life of its own, and I did it for two years. And um, I would share, it inspired me to be more creative actually, and things I had never done before and things that I didn't even know, you know, existed. So I picked some walnuts one time, green walnuts, and I found out that they were a lovely uh dye. So I decided to dye some fabric or yarn or something, and then I, you know, one time I you know sort of, oh I know what I'll try this. It it inspired me constantly, and it was just fantastic. I had a really lovely community. I remember somebody writing to me from the Midwest and saying, we are we've grown up in such different um, you know, kind of sort of environments, but I kind of really resonate with you, actually. You know, it was it was really lovely. I family commitments uh in a bit of a state, I stopped it, but it stayed online actually, it stayed up on the web. And um it's um the the host typad um closed down last year. And by that time I realized I found a stat that I had one 1.3 million views um in all those years. Can you go to America on the back of it? Did the family invite you out to America? Oh, yeah, no, it was more than that. So I said one time on my blog, I said, I'd love to go to America. And five different people contacted me and said, Oh my gosh, if you come with your family, you must come and stay with us. So we went to America for two weeks. We stayed in a hotel for one night, and families, I mean, a family, we were a family of five, and people put us up. And um, one family in Pennsylvania took us to the Amish country, and honestly, I mean, they took us out and fed us, and another family, we ended up in went, got to Vermont, and there was a note on the door saying, Um, um I was called Simi then. That was one of my nicknames. Simi, I'm really sorry, we've had to leave because um um my mum's not well or something. Here are the keys. Uh, make yourselves at home. Could you please just strip your beds and put them in the washing machine afterwards? And we stayed in the house. I didn't, I mean, they didn't really know me. And you know what? It's just it restored your faith in humanity, actually. And it, yeah, so I did. I got a trip to America, um, staying, yeah, basically, I don't know, looked after, fated or whatever. And it was really lovely. And I always I didn't regret finish, I didn't regret stopping it, but I missed it. I really, really missed it. Um, but you know, it took me away because you know, you've got if you're constantly posting, you know, it sort of takes up a lot of your time. And then I woke up, um, well, no, no, you and I were chatting, beg your pardon, give credit where it's due. And you and I were chatting last week, and you said, you know, I think you should, you know, I think you you want to do you want to do that again or something? And I went, oh, yeah, well, I think I do. So I looked up, um, I went to GoDaddy, and the domain is still free, uh, echoesofadream.co.uk. And for 18 years it's been no one's bought it. Somebody bought the dot com and some other bits of it, not the UK. Anyway, so the last two days I've been setting up on Wix my website. Oh my gosh, V, I have been, I'm transported well, not back to there, but it's I don't know, I don't know, you can you probably hear the enthusiasm in my voice. Um, I've done a home page, I've done an about page, and um I'll do my first blog post soon. But I have enjoyed it so much, and I found my voice again, and um it's going to be a it's going to be it's going to be a bit quite eclectic, you know, it's going to be whatever takes my fancy. You know, I might post something about making herbal tea or parasites for that you know matter, or I might post about some, you know, I've been to the theatre, or I might post about a recipe, or I might post about something, you know, therapeutic. It's gonna be a real mixture. But I am beyond excited, and I just feel like, wow, you know what? I've um I've arrived home to myself. Do you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_00 48:39

Yeah, the part that you abandoned, you've gone back for her.

SPEAKER_03 48:43

Oh, that's it, exactly. I abandoned her, I put her away. I said, no, you know, enough now, not your time, and you know, yeah, other commitments. And um yeah, I've brought her back. Yeah, that's it, exactly, exactly. Wow.

SPEAKER_00 48:59

And it's beautiful.

SPEAKER_01 49:01

So will you um put a link in the bio today so that people can stop by? I appreciate you're still developing it, but I've looked at it, it's so pretty. Um and maybe put all the parasite stuff up there as well.

SPEAKER_03 49:15

Oh, that's a good idea, yes, yes, yes. I definitely will use it. I mean, a lot of the things that we've chatted on the podcast, I would love to, you know, go into um uh depth a bit more. And um, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 49:27

That'd be great. That'd be great. And it's this, you know, eclectic is what we are, aren't you? I mean, you're an eclectic human being, so it's never going to be one-dimensional, and neither does it have to be when you don't put yourself in a box. You can be anything you want to be.

SPEAKER_03 49:38

Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. I can just wake up one morning and think, I think I'm going to talk about the trees that I'm looking at at the moment, and aren't they gorgeous, or the bluebells or something? Yep.

SPEAKER_00 49:48

Beautiful, and it's returning out of the program, you know, this kind of performative insanity, this restrictive insanity that we live in. I think it's it's hard to be real, like just real, authentic.

SPEAKER_03 50:02

You know, absolutely. But you've got to be able to do that. Oh, thank you very much. But you've also got your own story too, actually. Where's a day of celebration for both of us, isn't it?

SPEAKER_00 50:10

Yes, the book is out today, available for pre-order on Kindle, and then moving into paperback called The Diary of a Borderline. And it's written um with myself and Olivia Pacifico, who was my client, who now um is blazing out there an ambassador for borderline personality disorder and uh a coach. So yeah, it's out today. It's uh very raw, very authentic. It has lots of practical tools as well, uh and really, really breaks down what trauma does and how it manifests and a way a real story of a way through as well. Um so thank you. Yeah, that's that's been we've been co-creating that first of its kind, as I say before. So what a day for us to reconnect and like you, you did yours for that that former version of you, and I really did it for that that little girl inside of me that knows how trauma manifests and and what it does to you and how it robs you of your life and your voice. So I've kind of written it in testimony to that little kid who took quite a lot of hits on her journey. It's for her.

SPEAKER_03 51:15

Oh, beautiful, beautiful. And I you know, I know it's going to touch so many people, it really is.

SPEAKER_00 51:21

Wow, let's keep praying, A. Yeah. Let's pray. So that's all from us. So that's quite a lot of content, isn't it?

unknown 51:29

It's quite a lot, isn't it?

SPEAKER_00 51:31

Radically put me off noodles for the foreseeable.

SPEAKER_03 51:35

Salmon, I think, in my case.

SPEAKER_00 51:38

Don't even mention it. Uh even if I see a fish shop now, you know, like the fishmongers or people saying, Oh, I'm gonna go for like shrimp resorts. Ugh, no, I can't do it anymore. I can't touch anyone. I don't want anyone to look at me or eave on me.

SPEAKER_01 51:52

I'm wearing Michael Jackson gloves. I'm f I'm officially done them out.

SPEAKER_03 51:56

You are hilarious, aren't you? So you're living in a capsule hotel or something, are you?

SPEAKER_00 52:00

Yeah, I'm living in my house. That is it.

SPEAKER_03 52:04

I mean, fish is supposed to be bad for us anyway, isn't it? Because of the mercury and whatnot in the water. But I mean, we do we do equality. I know.

SPEAKER_00 52:13

If you don't grow it, you can't eat it.

SPEAKER_03 52:15

Yeah, well, even our soil is depleted. Let's not go down that route.

SPEAKER_01 52:19

No, wait to identify as conspiracy theorists again, and then we can really get into radioactive soil and chemtrals. We can really do a good one on that one. Okay, all right.

SPEAKER_00 52:28

All right, Angel. Well, congratulations. You too. Yeah, goodbye, everybody. Bye.