The Gift of Offence

In this episode why being offended is a sign of healing and finally connecting to your true self and value. This episode will benefit all the people pleasers, over givers and the ones who have an issue with using the word "NO".

"The gift of offence" is a phrase that can be interpreted in a few different ways, depending on the context. 

Constructive discomfort: Sometimes being offended by an idea, criticism, or perspective can prompt reflection and personal growth. In this sense, the "gift" is the opportunity to examine one's assumptions or beliefs. 

Speaking difficult truths: A person may intentionally say something that risks offending others because they believe the truth is more valuable than temporary comfort. The "gift" is the honesty, even if it's uncomfortable.

Much love x

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:04

Good evening everyone. Welcome to the Yellow Jacket. I'm here with my gorgeous co-host Sorinda. How are you? Hello, V, and hello everyone. Um, I am well actually. Yes, thank you. You might be in for a bit of a a spicy podcast.

SPEAKER_02 0:22

Definitely.

SPEAKER_00 0:24

Because uh the floor is Sorinda's on this one. So we're gonna do a little check-in and just say, look, if anyone out there has been going through massive changes and really thinking about how they want to live going forward and taking in all the lessons, all the awareness and really starting to reconnect with themselves. Sorinda's gonna take us on a bit of a journey. I'm gonna go with her, and we're kind of gonna talk about something quite interesting and I I think incredibly useful, very valuable. And as always, what we are going through personally, we love to share because we believe that on some level we're all connected.

SPEAKER_02 1:05

Yes, definitely. Yeah, absolutely. And and I actually have shared this with somebody already, and they've just, oh my gosh, yeah, you know, I I I feel, you know, I'm feeling the same. So actually, I kind of feel like you know, it is something that needs to be um talked about, and somebody will lots of well, lots of people I think will think, gosh, I do that. Oh, okay, let me have a rethink, or what what does it mean? Um, you know, just a it's it's a sort of bringing awareness and digging a bit deeper to reach our own conclusions, isn't it? That's what we're doing. We're bringing 100%. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:36

All right, so the floor is yours, Angel. What would you like to talk to people about tonight?

SPEAKER_02 1:40

Well, um, I'll just I'll just start off with what happened to me the other night. And I think this has slowly, slowly been happening, but I've not been able to put it into words. I had seen, let's say, a wider family, great extended family or something. And I came back uh home and I sat in the garden and I just felt, I just thought, gosh, I am so taken for granted, you know. Always there to meet people's needs, always be the all the listener, all the stepping in. And I'm the one, you know, that old adage, if you uh want to have something done, you know, ask a busy person sort of thing. And um I I was actually I was really quite upset. And then um you and I chatted and we talked about um offense, being offended. And I thought, gosh, actually that's what it is. I'm offended. And digging a bit deeper into it, I thought, like, who is who is offended? Like, what in me is offended? Because normally I'm not offended. So, like, what's awakened in me? And I realized that actually there is a part of me that I don't know what you want to call it, the loving part, the giving part, the part with the compassion and the empathy, the the part that you know wants to um you know have you around for a cup of tea and you know, chat about things and just share and you know be a shoulder, right? And um I thought she's a I'm offended, I am offended on her behalf because it's a bit of a one-way street. And like, great, you know, like she does all these things, I do all these things, but where is like me in the equation? Um, you know, it's like it's a bit more than being taken for granted. It's sort of like, you know, yes, that's what you are in my life, but what about my needs? What about what I want? What about a little bit of reciprocal? What about, hey, um, you know, um, obviously people are grateful and they leave you and they go, oh, thank you so much, and stuff like that. But what about something in return, uh, for example? So this is where I was, I was actually, I was in this whole space. You know, we were saying about taking a break. And I think loads of stuff like this was coming up for me, just like like what is happening inside me? What I can't put up with stuff, um, so much stuff anymore, but I couldn't understand quite why. Do you know what I mean? And I kind of went down a bit of a felt quite low about it, but I've kind of woken up and woken up with a vengeance and gone, ah, that's what's going on. So that's where I was at, like two nights ago.

SPEAKER_00 4:22

So if we talk about there's so much in what you've said, there's so much detail. If we talk about the gift of offense I actually think it's when people start really, as in yourself, start really reconnecting with themselves. It's a process of reunification. And it's a right response, isn't it? It's appropriate. Appropriate, I think. So if you don't have a connection to yourself, like you've said, there's a part of you that wants to make the world a better place. Yeah. Right. And we'll we'll talk about the gift of time in a minute because you you you had some quite radical awarenesses around your relationship with time. I did. But if if you're if you're one of those people that wants to meet the need without any critical discernment, being able to profile actually why that is that person in lack in the first place. Yeah, yeah. And a lot of people are in lack 'cause they're awful. Yeah. I begin to realise that.

SPEAKER_02 5:28

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 5:30

Like that they're they have no resources because they're incredibly selfish or thoughtless or unkind or becomes a professional. Um what I call out for dodger mentality.

SPEAKER_03 5:46

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 5:48

So we have to discern. Now, if you don't discern Imagine this, Surrender. Every time you've given, you've given, you've given, and people expect it. Maybe they think you have more, or maybe they don't think you have any issues, or they don't every time that happens you numb. Right. Oh gosh. Yeah, yeah. So you can't feel so then you're never offended. Oh, crikey. Quite right.

unknown 6:21

Yes, yes, yes.

SPEAKER_00 6:22

But then you have a hardened heart to yourself. Yeah, yeah. Where you've got no needs, because then you're never disappointed that nobody cares you've got any needs. And therefore you're never offended. Yes, quite. Remember, a friend to everyone is a friend to no one. Yeah. You're not really looking at then what you're enabling in people. Yeah, yeah. Some people are professional takers. So offense and you were really upset. You were really upset, it was really painful to hear you like that. It was horrible. It's not like you to come away from situations, and then I said, Charlie, this is great. You what? You're offended. Mmm. And about time. And then you were like, Thank God you didn't cross paths with anyone because we might see on the BBC news and do crowdfunding. She got a bit dangerous for a minute. I did. Finally means I care about me. Oh. So well done. I'm so happy for you, love.

SPEAKER_02 7:31

Oh, thank you. Yeah, but you know what? It was like a million light bulbs going on because you know, that again, there's masses in what you've said, you know. We we we we help people, we kind of automatically help people, and with we're enabling bad behaviour, we're enabling our own demise, all sorts, all manner of things that we're enabling. And and the trouble is, you know what, society, especially with women, I I know, I'm sure with men as well, you know, that you're a good person because that's what you do. Do you know what I mean? So, you know, you might uh mention to friends all, oh, do you know I feel a bit like taken for granted, you know, if it's not a therapeutic space, and they go, Oh yeah, but you know, they need you, they've got more needs than you, and you know, stuff like that, or but you're in a better place or space or something. So we're just it's just perpetuated by everybody, isn't it?

SPEAKER_00 8:17

Yeah, I mean that's kind of what we were saying in the last podcast that women have been conditioned to be sacrificial and we can't how much they sacrifice themselves. Exactly. I mean it's horrific.

SPEAKER_02 8:27

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because if I've mentioned it to a friend or whatever, it's sort of like, well, I'm you know, or or or don't you think you're doing a bit too much? Oh, well, you know, I'm in a better place or something, or you know, what does that actually mean? And also, you know, then uh um gosh, aren't we all though? I'm very good at looking at it and being enraged when other people are doing it to my friends when it comes to me, and I'm sure you've said this. Excuse me, friend Baines. Um, uh that I think you uh you do the same thing, all right. Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_00 8:55

Yeah, because you just said a really key word. Well you're outraged or enraged when it's a friend shows you where you weren't a friend with yourself.

SPEAKER_02 9:05

Yeah, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 9:10

If every human respected their generosity and their love and protected it, yeah, and applied it to the people that actually genuinely need it, it would force the other people to start meeting their own needs and stop being users.

SPEAKER_03 9:29

Yeah.

unknown 9:30

Gosh.

SPEAKER_03 9:31

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 9:32

That actually have to really look and think, what world am I creating here? Like, why am I actually behaving? Why do I expect people to keep saving me? Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_02 9:45

Like I have to grow up. So we're creating that. So one of the things I was um chatting with a friend about is about givers and takers. And actually, some people are over-givers and some people are over-takers, actually. And lots of takers think they're there, they think that they're they're seriously deluded, and they think that they're givers. And I've had to really look at you know, when I was, you know, with this a number of revelations, right? Okay, I'm just gonna look at every person in my life and think, okay, uh, you know, like who is actually reciprocating? Who is actually taking? Who is actually giving me the sort of talk, the chat that, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, you know, I'm a giver too, you know, and and is that right? And oh my gosh, it's it's I love this work, I love it for everybody under a microscope.

SPEAKER_00 10:35

That's that's that's like it takes for courage to analyze that, right, and not numb and well it's upsetting it is.

SPEAKER_02 10:44

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's upsetting.

SPEAKER_00 10:46

It is upsetting because when you when you put it under a microscope, you say to yourself, okay. I I'm I'm being generous here, I don't expect anything in return. Okay. But what I do have an emotional expectation, so it's always physical, it's not always gifts and goods. But there is a there is an emotional expectation that you understand I don't have to do this.

SPEAKER_03 11:15

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 11:16

Oh gosh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh gosh. I don't have to do this.

SPEAKER_02 11:24

Yeah, but I'm choosing to, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 11:26

This is an act of kindness, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 11:28

An act of kindness and comfortable, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 11:32

And just acknowledge that. And then just don't keep coming back for the same things you're asking for time and time again, if you're not willing to do it for yourself. Because now that's not recognising it's an act of kindness, that's an act of expectation.

SPEAKER_02 11:51

Yeah, yeah. It's a horrible way to live. Yeah, but I you know what, I just think so many people, so many of us are are caught in that sort of caught in that sort of bind, do you don't you think? Because we've set we have inadvertently set it up from whatever for whatever reason, then the expectation is there, and then it's just a bloody vicious circle, and then resentment builds, doesn't it? If you're lucky. Well, actually, I was just gonna say that. Yes, if you're lucky, absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 12:21

If you're lucky, you'll copper resentment. Because it's the internal doorbell, something's really wrong here.

unknown 12:28

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 12:29

If you're really blessed, you'll be offended.

SPEAKER_02 12:31

Heck, hold on, say repeat that again because I think people need to hear that. So not everyone is going to be resentful or offended.

SPEAKER_00 12:39

So if you're lucky, if you're lucky, you will feel those things that I don't like the way that person is engaging with me. I don't like that you expect me to do things for you, I don't like the way you talk to me, I don't like the way you expect me to take less. I don't like the way that it's okay for you to behave a certain way, and I'm not allowed to behave. You see, if you're really lucky, resentment will become offence, and offense then becomes a behavior change.

SPEAKER_02 13:07

Wow.

SPEAKER_00 13:08

And what stops us from being resentful then? That we're frightened to not be liked. Yeah.

unknown 13:16

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 13:18

Then you have to think, who is the person that I'm worried about not liking me? Yeah, quite. I'm actually really fine with them. In fact, please do.

SPEAKER_02 13:31

Yeah, because if you're that sort of person, oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_00 13:37

Then yes, please don't like me. And then stop talking to me. That's absolutely fine if I disappoint you. I'm so I'm I'm really good with that. I'm really good that you think I'm selfish or mean, or I'm I'm absolutely because the only people that don't like you having boundaries are the ones that benefit from you not having any.

SPEAKER_02 13:56

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

SPEAKER_00 13:57

When that quote goes around, doesn't it? It's all over social media, but it's true.

unknown 14:01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 14:03

Why wouldn't someone then okay? Let me put this to you, right? In in this season that you're in of these fantastic revelations, personally so happy for you. Thank you. Is if you're really loved by somebody, right? And someone cares about you as a friend. All right, maybe not love, maybe love's too strong. Let's go, even cares. Yeah, wouldn't they be so happy for your boundaries?

SPEAKER_03 14:30

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 14:31

Wouldn't they be thinking, do you know what I'm so happy for you that you finally put ring fenced a boundary around just I'm so happy. They just cared.

SPEAKER_02 14:39

Yeah, absolutely. And also that actually you've kind of like you know not just boundaries, but just sort of like realized, you know, what your patterns are and they're gonna affect me, but I am so happy for you.

SPEAKER_00 14:49

Yeah, yeah. That generosity of you're gonna say no to me. Do you know what? I'm actually really happy for that. No, yeah, yeah. Like recently I had a very personal experience where for the first time ever, somebody very very dear to my heart said no and put a boundary in a conversation. It took me a minute. Not that I'm actively trying to cross those boundaries, let me be clear about that. It was I took I took a minute, I got really emotional, and then the person interpreted it as in that they'd offended me, and I said, God, no. I'm so happy you just said no to me. You have no idea like that shows me that you've finally got a value and self-worth. Oh like I'm I'm clapping right now for you saying no to me. I'll I'll you know, it's just such a magical moment when someone says, Can't actually talk to you right now, or sorry, I'm not in that space today. You think, yeah, go on.

SPEAKER_03 15:55

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 15:57

Let's cheerlead each other for creating sacred space and valuing ourselves.

SPEAKER_03 16:03

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 16:05

And again, I had a conversation with a very dear friend who said that before they interpreted boundaries as rejection. Yeah. But now sees boundaries as that person's protecting themselves.

SPEAKER_02 16:22

Oh gosh.

SPEAKER_00 16:25

So boundaries is when we start choosing ourselves. And we stop choosing to please others while being disloyal to ourselves.

SPEAKER_02 16:36

Oh beautiful. Gosh, somebody might want to take a note of that. So would you say again?

SPEAKER_00 16:41

So boundaries are when we're choosing ourselves and we stop being disloyal to ourselves.

SPEAKER_03 16:47

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 16:48

So I'm not gonna keep doing things for you and hurting myself anymore. Because we are constantly hurting ourselves. Then you have addiction, anxiety, mental health issues. Yeah, because every time you hurt yourself, it you're gonna create internal pain.

SPEAKER_02 17:11

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 17:11

You're gonna have to anesthetise yourself from it.

SPEAKER_02 17:14

Yeah, there's a lovely way to put it actually about hurting yourself.

SPEAKER_00 17:18

Hurting yourself. Every time you say yes to something, you know that person doesn't care and they don't respect you. You're gonna have to do that pain is there. It hasn't it it doesn't go oh right? It's there. What are you gonna do about the pain?

SPEAKER_03 17:35

Yeah, no me.

SPEAKER_00 17:37

It's self-harm.

unknown 17:40

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 17:40

So congratulations on your offense.

SPEAKER_02 17:44

Yeah. I think the hard thing about it was, I mean, that was a beautiful bit, and went, oh wow, yeah, I'm I'm offended, and that's you know, it's totally valid. It was then actually the next step was just sort of like this business. Actually, we're going to lead on to that about my time and usury and stuff. And that's the thing that's a bit painful, uh, which you tentatively dip your foot in and go, okay, maybe I'm just gonna numb today and just look at it tomorrow because just a revelation of your pattern and you know what what's you know, like, you know, do you know what I mean? What's happened to you and where you are, and why you might be like, you know, no energy, don't sleep well, you know, you've put on weight or eating too many sweets, you know, all this sort of business, and you go, oh, okay, that's where it all comes from. That's the whole thing.

SPEAKER_00 18:33

Yeah, it's just another revelation, isn't it? It's just another level of consciousness and and self-awareness. So let's talk about time. What's been your revelation about your relationship with time?

SPEAKER_02 18:44

Oh, this was fascinating actually, because I do talk a lot about my time, not because I'm a busy person and it's oh gosh, you know, um, you know, I haven't got enough time for things. What I mean is I give people when I when I give my time to people, so let's say I might um I don't know, let's say I might go for a walk with a friend or something. Well, it doesn't matter what it is. I I meet somebody and do something together, right? What they get, this is just this is a you know, really, really you help me to see this, that actually they are getting all of me in that time. So it's not like they get my time, they get me in the time, right? Am I explaining myself? Perfect. Yeah, okay. So they get me because what happens is uh they have my undivided attention, um, they have my listening, they have my compassion, they have my care, they have my like, you know, I'm totally in this space with you, and we will talk about whatever you want to, you know. So if you know, like I'm holding space, let's say, right? And I'm offering myself, and I'm not always like, you know, meeting people to like, you know, fix, rescue, share, and whatever. It's organic, it's organic. So obviously we're set in a way, right? And so we chat, you know, we'll chat and and and uh and I'll say, uh, oh, yeah, yeah, that happened to me as well, and this is how I, you know, got over it or this is what helped me and stuff. So that's what they're getting. They're getting this this me. And I actually, you know, aside from being, you know, sorry, I'm not blowing my own trumpet, but I'm quite good company, you know, because I'm um I'm I you know I yeah I've I like the way you laugh, isn't it yourself? I'm laughing at I just don't quite know what to say. It's a little Sorinda Baines, little advert. Hello everybody, an advert coming up for Sorinda Baines there. Anyway, no, but anyway, you know, they get, they get, they get all of me. And um, and and um, and I so what we were work were working out was so what do they get from me, right? What are they getting from me? And that I could just couldn't go there at first. I was gonna yeah, I'm just gonna bite my nails and need to go get a drink of water, you know. Um and then it was like they're getting their needs met and I'm meeting their needs. That's the interaction, right?

SPEAKER_00 21:22

Then take it to the other side. Okay. So the first the first part which you explained so well is it's not that they're getting time like 12 to 2. They're getting you in 12 tool two, and you feel you're bringing a lot in that 12 tool two, right? For example. Right, whether it's cooking or camaraderie or advice or laughter bands, whatever that is, yeah. That those interactions mean something, I think is what what we established, right?

SPEAKER_02 21:54

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 21:55

That's a beautiful way to put it. Yeah, yeah. Okay. And then we reflected and I What are they using their time with you for? What are you getting in their time? Is it their problems? Is it they need something? Yeah. Like what what are are they bring what part of them are they bringing to the time? Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 22:28

And that's a painful bit.

SPEAKER_00 22:31

Yeah, because some people again they're not thinking, okay, when I go to meet this person, I want to make it really nice for them. But sorry, I know this is a shock for the givers, I'm sorry. They're not thinking I've got twelve to two with this person. I can't wait to see them and I want to make it nice for them.

SPEAKER_03 22:52

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 22:52

Some people again will think I've got twelve to two and I'm gonna moan.

SPEAKER_03 22:58

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 23:00

And bitch and gossip and cry and this. I I'm gonna do that for two hours because when I leave that person, I feel so much, I'll say thanks, that was lovely. They're not thinking how can I make they're not bringing their generosity with them.

SPEAKER_02 23:20

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 23:23

Because the difference is when you're a generous person and you're in the company of another generous person, it's a really nice exchange. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's really funny and cute and nourishing and can like you feel good about yourself and they feel good about themselves because you've both got the same intention. I'm here for you. I'm not here for myself. So it it equals itself. The currency is correct, no one's in lack.

SPEAKER_02 23:54

Yeah. So to give you an example of a sort of a puppy, I don't know how often this happens for people, but it's um, you know, a friend and I I get together maybe every six weeks um to ostensibly do some, you know, something creative, but it doesn't always end up like that. And it ends up always ends up um being at my house. Um husband works from home, she says, Would you mind if I come to yours? And it's usually you know afternoon, and um I will you know make some biscuits or something, and she'll say every other time, say, No, it's at your house, and I'm bringing biscuits, I'm cooking, you know. I'm yeah, I know. So she'll, you know, she'll she'll bring something with her, and then and then not just that, you know, she'll say, Oh no, you keep the rest, you know, I don't need to take them home. You know, I'll I'll be but so and then so what and what we do is we I've noticed this because it's quite unusual. We we don't end up talking about people, we have a laugh actually. And um, you know, she'll say to me, Oh, go on, tell me what you've discovered now. And I'll say, Oh my gosh, I'm into copper now.

SPEAKER_01 24:54

Oh, I can assist that is absolutely true. My house is glistening with copper. Very grateful, by the way.

SPEAKER_02 25:00

So she'll sit back and say, Oh, Serena, I love your brain. You know, just we have a laugh, right? And she'll say, Go on, tell me about copper then. I'll say, Well, this is what I've discovered, and this is that and that, whatever. And then she's she's got arthritis in her hand, I think. And she said, Would you make me a copper bracelet? And I said, Yeah, all right. And um, you know, um, some of this is recycled copper. And she said, and I'm gonna buy you lunch in exchange. And you kind of go, Wow. And and when she leaves, we are both, we are both, our tanks are filled up, if you want to call it like that, you know, nobody's taken from anyone else. We're what? Full cut. Yeah, yeah, absolutely, because it's been mutual, you know, and she'll chat about some books she's read or something she'd listen to on radio for. And so it's mutual and it's beautiful, and it's no offloading, no one trying to fix anyone else. But why is that so rare?

SPEAKER_00 25:52

Well, this this is where it takes a little bit of an uncomfortable turn. Unfortunately, I think so many people come from lack and and and pain and collective trauma, even if it's not personal trauma.

SPEAKER_03 26:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 26:11

They let me find the right word. Okay. They judge a person by their resources, not by who they are, they dehumanize people. So I I work with a huge demographic of people, okay, from single mums on benefits to some very, very well known professionals and CEOs, you know, multi-millionaires. And what you and why am I saying that? Because I tend to find people that have more resources are dehumanized. There's an expectation that because they've got physical resources, they have no emotional needs.

SPEAKER_02 26:59

Is it that basic?

SPEAKER_00 27:01

Yeah, it's really cruel. So if someone has money, a lot of people can't bear the fact that they don't have money. Right? But they don't know what it's taken for that person to get there.

SPEAKER_03 27:13

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 27:13

You know, and this is why I said this work has changed me because I I listened i very intimately and very deeply. I work with people and I know what it's taken them to get where they are. But it it wasn't just handed down, right? They had to graft these people.

SPEAKER_03 27:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 27:30

And if they didn't have to graft profession, they had to graft emotionally.

SPEAKER_03 27:33

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 27:35

But that's taking time to understand people. But if you see someone who's got you perceive as got a nice life, or they've got a great body, or they've got a car, or a house, or a money, you're not coming into that space thinking I need to make their lives nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. You're already coming in with a deep-rooted resentment and envy that you haven't even accepted you've got.

SPEAKER_03 28:01

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 28:02

Or a deep-rooted lack mentality, victim mentality.

SPEAKER_03 28:06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 28:07

Well, then it becomes manipulative because you don't quite have the confidence to say, listen, I like you, but I actually resent what you've got because your life looks so much easier than mine. If I had your life, I'd be so much more generous, which they absolutely wouldn't with that mentality in the first place. But I don't believe you've got any need. So automatically they they dehumanize you. So you just are supposed to give and give and give. And they go, It's all right, their life's amazing.

SPEAKER_03 28:36

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 28:37

I mean, it's a quite sick mentality.

SPEAKER_02 28:40

Well, because also the resource, it's not just about resources. I've heard, like, you know, what somebody said uh uh donkeys ago about oh, you know, good looking people don't need therapy or something. You know what I mean? Was it was actually there? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wasn't it? Good looking people, and then another one was somebody who's who was slim or something. I don't know.

SPEAKER_00 29:00

Yeah, if you've got a good body and you're good looking, you're not really entitled to have any problems. Entitled to have any problems, yeah. I think once you got off the floor that can't actually be coming out of another human's mouth. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 29:12

And resenting you for the foot, you know, for that.

SPEAKER_00 29:15

Yeah. And then you've got people that think people with money don't have any issues. Oh, let me tell you they do. Let me tell you they do.

SPEAKER_01 29:22

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 29:23

Because they can't even determine if any of these relationships are real.

SPEAKER_02 29:27

Yeah, well, quite and all the people in their lives, yeah, yeah. Are are they there for the money or are they there for them?

SPEAKER_00 29:34

Quite. They think that that stay, you know, women that are in uh more traditional relationships where they're stay-at-home mothers or you know, they they don't work. Apparently they don't have any issues either. Yeah, yes, yes, yes, yes. I'm like, well, maybe meet the kids and the husband and we'll work that one out. Yeah. Because trust me, any woman who's got kids has problems. Indeed. We can't quite say on air what I'd like to say, but I don't think it's easy to have children. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right, so we because we think, okay, well, they're being looked after you know from a financial point of view, then then they're not entitled to any issues. Well, they're not dogs.

SPEAKER_02 30:25

Yeah, yeah, quite. Well, I mean, most stay-at-home mums, you know, give themselves, give, give, give the all their all to the children, the partner, the house, and they're you know, left with like you know, as we always I always say, you know, the last one on the list who has any needs, you know.

SPEAKER_00 30:42

I have such respect. I have such respect for stay-at-home mums. I would have loved to have been a stay-at-home mum, but unfortunately it wasn't my path. But um, I've tried to be the best I can as a stay-at-home mum, but I I saw this uh this study has recently come out, and um, I mean anyone can Google this, but apparently um a stay-at-home mum does the equivalent of 98 hours a week of work. Oh, crikey. Which is the equivalent to two and a half times, uh full-time job. Wow. Because it's also they're emotionally taking care, and then there's a cooking, there's a cleaning, there's the dentist, there's the doctors, there's the school run, there's this. Women work themselves into the ground, stay at home mums. I just want to take a minute to recognize that for those people out there that think, oh, they don't do anything, yeah, that's enough.

SPEAKER_02 31:34

No, do you know the other example, the other thing I used to say is like, okay, so you're married, right? You're the let's say you stay at home mum, the husband goes out to work, he finishes on Friday at six o'clock, seven o'clock, eight o'clock. He's off for the weekend, right? He's away from his workplace, he is actually off for Saturday and Sunday. You are never off. You're still working on Saturday and Sunday. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, I mean it's sad that people don't recognise this.

SPEAKER_03 32:01

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 32:04

Because it's not in a physical place of work. Yeah, it would be better for a woman if it was. Yeah, quite, yes, quite. I understand why most of them go work now and just to get a break.

SPEAKER_02 32:14

Yeah, go ahead.

SPEAKER_00 32:14

I'm talking about to come home and do it all anyway. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 32:20

Well, absolutely, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 32:22

To come to come back round.

SPEAKER_02 32:24

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 32:25

You know, I think it's so wonderful that you've shared that you were sad and you were hurt, moved into the gift of events, and then the revelation that your time is you, it's not time independent of you, not giving time and giving you in the time, but also having the courage to analyze why are people spending time with me?

SPEAKER_03 32:45

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 32:48

Why are people spending time with me? For what purpose?

SPEAKER_02 32:52

Yeah, and what are they getting out of it? Absolutely. Yeah, and I think that's what I mean, it's so wonderful that when I like say, two nights ago sat in the garden and I just I was so I I was upset, but I couldn't put words to it. And you know, in in my spirit, um that's what was awakening, wasn't it? This offense. And then when we looked at, and I and I still need to do it, I mean I haven't I've only just touched it, touched upon it. Um, you know, like you know, and also where am I holding it in the body? That was a question, wasn't it? Um because yeah, because I am holding it in my body. I know, I know I am, I'm feeling it because there's various things going on. And um it's actually now it's to look at all of my relationships and and I and I will and I must, and I'm sure I'm going to, it's going to be painful, but it needs to be done. And it's not so that you know I can say, right, okay, you know, boot you all out, whoever out, but it's to change it, isn't it? To understand it, to to you know to change, but yeah, absolutely, that's what it's about, and go, okay, okay. But wow, what a revelation. Because I think you said to me, you're always talking about time. Like, what is it about time? And I went, oh, okay, time is me.

SPEAKER_00 34:01

It's me. Yeah, it was a very it was a very high currency word, you know, and and I realized it was repetitive, and I thought, well, it's not really about time then. If it's if it's got that angle, that intensity to it, there's something within the time that's triggering you, yeah, yeah. And just from a personal point of view, I'm very careful how I use my time because I know when I'm with people, I'm with them.

SPEAKER_03 34:26

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 34:27

It means something to me. If I if I'm taking time again out, it's because I'm really interested in you. I'm not a surface level person.

SPEAKER_02 34:39

Likewise, likewise, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 34:42

If I if I'm gonna spend time, I'm I'm a hundred percent you have me. You have me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm all here, let's go.

SPEAKER_03 34:49

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 34:49

And and and I've learned unfortunately. So I'm so happy that you're you're you know, you're in the same space. Um, I got so offended, I couldn't work out. And I thought, why am I offended? And I thought, I'm offended because they're not with me. They haven't asked me anything, they don't care. They don't care, they've just offloaded loads of stuff. They don't care that they came round and didn't show any interest in my they don't they actually don't care.

SPEAKER_02 35:23

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 35:24

And I've been planning all week to see them.

SPEAKER_02 35:27

Absolutely. In my case, it's always like you know, yeah, you know, if they oh I'm gonna make something for lunch. Like, let me try a new recipe that I've read about, you know, or seen or whatever, and you know, and I set the table really nicely, and then you know, all my lovely glasses out and the food and everything. Yeah, and how often does it go just awry, doesn't it?

SPEAKER_00 35:46

Yeah, it's just uh it's just unkind. So I think what we're trying to do, and I um and thank you for being so vulnerable because it's a very new thing you're working through, which I love this because it's so fresh and organic and real. I just hope anyone out there listening even if you just have the courage to think what are my exchanges about, please. Please, because some people love the fact that you tolerate that's why they're friends with you. Because you tolerate bad behaviour, and then they think, Oh, you're just so lovely, you're such a kind person. They don't know the pain that is causing inside of you, and neither do they care. So you have to give people something to care about. And that weeds out the real friends from the fake friends because just to touch on this surrender, and I don't want to go too deeply into this, but we had a very brief conversation that sometimes you're you're you're actually actively encouraging people to take advantage.

SPEAKER_02 36:58

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

SPEAKER_00 37:00

Well maybe we'll talk about that in the next podcast. That your accountability and your patterns are same as I am accountable for, is let's not keep encouraging people to expect generosity, let's not do that.

SPEAKER_02 37:15

Yeah, yeah. And if they do actually, you know, want to reciprocate and we don't let them, because there's a also that's also an issue because a lot of us overgivers do not know how to receive, then actually we are in almost like encouraging them to offend us, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 37:31

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 37:34

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_00 37:35

Yeah.

unknown 37:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 37:36

And then we are and it's not that part is then not fair on them. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. So someone might not be able to match in resources. But generosity isn't always about things. Generosity is generosity of spirit.

SPEAKER_02 37:52

Yeah, absolutely. I I always say to me say, you know, that actually it's just, you know, it's it's it's thoughtfulness, isn't it? You know, it doesn't matter what it is. I don't care, you know, what people give me, but it's and it's not even I I I picked up one of my kids about this, about actually um, you know, coming home quite a lot. They're not they're not little kids now. And actually, like, you know, you could bring a bunch of flowers or something, and it was sort of like, well, you know, oh, well, what do you need? And I said, no, no, I don't need anything. Well, why are you complaining if you don't need anything? I said, okay, I've got myself into a bit I've got myself into a bit of a twist here because I've maybe I presented it not right. I said, no, it's not about needing, it's thoughtfulness. I've gone above and beyond all the you know uh the favourite meals I've cooked, and actually I did one extra special thing, this kid is not going to be listening, made their favourite flapjacks uh for a journey, right? Which, you know, I know as a childhood favourite. I didn't have to do that, but I did it. And I used that for an example. I didn't have to do that, but I just thought, you know, you'd be touched. And actually, I'd be touched if you, you know, did something like, oh, you know, you've you've not just because of the flapjags, but just like, you know, you've been here a number of times and I've cooked a number of meals. I've done a I don't know how many times I've washed the sheets, just you know, it doesn't matter what it is, a bunch of flowers, a piece of cheese. I don't know, it doesn't, it's doesn't matter, it's not the thing, is it? No, I like I quite like I like cheap cheese. I don't care what I mean. A derily cheese dryer. Actually, this one then went over and above and was in France and came back with like cheese board. No, it did absolutely two three lots of cheese. You wanted cheese, it's cheese. Oh, I look forward to that. Yeah, no, it's there in that. Um but do you know what I mean? It it didn't matter about that. I said it doesn't matter what it is, it's just like, oh, I thought about you and I appreciated that you were like generous. Do you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_00 39:56

So they care about you. Yeah, yeah, but you're not just an Uber driver. Yeah, quite. Or Airbnb, or you're an actual human. So you've got to see it's human. You're a human.

SPEAKER_02 40:10

Absolutely. And and V, do you know one thing I noticed in this exchange? Because actually, when these things don't happen, we give people a great a free pass, right? We kind of go, oh, they can't help it, or they've just maybe on a not in a in a difficult space at the moment, or maybe it's their trauma, right? We've touched upon these things before, how we keep making excuses for them. And what I saw, especially in this kiddo, actually, you do have generosity of spirit because I've just seen how you've treated your friend who's going on a long journey. Oh, I'm gonna put some water in the freezer. Yeah, I'm gonna put some water in the freezer for her, two bottles, and I'm gonna pack a lunch for her, I'm gonna do this for her. And I watched this and I went, whoa, oh, okay, thank you. It's it's this is me. This is take your bloody mum for granted.

SPEAKER_01 40:56

Yeah, confirmation. And I I love those moments when I've made up stories in my head about people, yeah, you know, those those magical things, oh, they don't mean it, they don't mean it.

SPEAKER_00 41:06

And then I've watched them make loads of effort for somebody else, and I'm like, you cheeky git, yeah, absolutely, adorable get. So you can do it, you've just chosen not to do it. Exactly. Yes, I'm in the category of service provider, I'm not an actual right, yeah, check. I'll check that going forward. Thank you very much. That won't be happening again, but those moments are brilliant because you're really angry for me, but again, you're offended because you know the story that you've just made up isn't true.

SPEAKER_02 41:41

Yeah, oh no, honestly, I watched this. Listen, this was literally about four weeks ago, and it was like, I must just prep this because you know she's got a long journey and it's really hot. And I'm going, Oh, you do have care, compassion, and kindness. Oh I see it. I see it. Okay, so right, you little bugger, as soon as she goes, I'm having a go at you.

SPEAKER_01 42:02

Yeah, I'm having it. I'm having it now. Yeah, I know that season. I've been in that season uh quite badly myself the last year.

SPEAKER_00 42:11

I'm not sure about this exchange. I mean, it's it's not really working for me anymore. So what I would love to say as we wind down and get ready to say, you know, goodnight to everybody, and is that we just really really hope that you give this some thought because you're not helping yourself or anybody else by making up excuses. You're really not. And it's okay to be offended, it's healthy, it's okay to have needs, it's okay to have boundaries, it's it's okay to be you and give what you can give. But it's really okay to say no. It's super okay to say no.

SPEAKER_02 42:53

Absolutely. It's a it's a this is all this is hopefully a wake-up podcast because you know what? You are worth it, and not worth it because of how much you do or what you have, but you're worth it because you're a human being and a beautiful creation. You are just that's it. That's it. You're worth it, you're worth so much more. 100% because otherwise you're gonna end up with a hardened heart. That's the danger, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 43:18

You're gonna end up thinking everyone's horrible and everyone's nasty people.

SPEAKER_00 43:22

Yeah, you're gonna end up becoming something that you actually don't like.

SPEAKER_02 43:27

Yeah, because you you you because that all that love and the compassion and kindness and all the like you know, the gifts that you have, you then start because you because you get hurt and you could you have resentment, you then you know you you close it, your heart, as you say, it becomes a hardened heart, and you keep those to yourself, and that's really sad. That's really sad.

SPEAKER_00 43:44

Comes down to the good old saying, don't cast your pearls before swine. We love that one. Yeah, I'm having hashtag in that one somewhere. So we wish you a wonderful week. We'll be back next week. We don't know with what. Hopefully, Syrindra's not in prison. So if you see her marching around with those little legs, just be careful. It's a spicy week.

SPEAKER_02 44:11

Well, the kids have all gone back to their various countries, so they're safe.

SPEAKER_00 44:16

So the rest of the general public, watch out. We just wish you a beautiful and blessed week, really. Just a week of just conscious reflection.

SPEAKER_02 44:25

Yeah, yeah. Thank you for listening, and we hope you got something out of this. Let us know actually. Let us know in the comments.

SPEAKER_00 44:32

Yeah, and thank you for the ones that messaged on the last podcast. Had some really great actually voicemails and some conversations, it was fantastic.

SPEAKER_02 44:39

Oh, wonderful.

SPEAKER_00 44:41

Good night, everyone. Good night, everyone. Bye, B. Good night, love.