The Stories We Tell Ourselves

If you've ever read into a text that took too long to answer, assumed the worst when someone's tone felt off, or built an entire story around a situation that hadn't actually happened yet, this episode will help you spot the pattern and give you real ways to pause before you believe the story your brain just created.

In this episode of The Energy Xchange, we're breaking down what happens when your brain fills in the gaps with stories that feel true… but aren't actually based on facts.

We're diving into:

• Why your brain creates a full narrative when information is missing
• The "time travel" element — how past experiences get projected onto present situations
• Why the stories we fill in are rarely neutral, and what determines whether you spiral into worst-case or best-case thinking
• How confirmation bias reinforces whatever story you've decided is true
• A personal story about how my beliefs in my 20s shaped what I was able to see (and what I missed_
• The disconnect that happens when what you think doesn't match what you know about yourself
• Three practical tools to interrupt the spiral before it takes over

The Energy Xchange is a podcast for highly sensitive people (HSPs), empaths, INFJs, and deep feelers navigating relationships, business, and personal growth.

Links & Resources For This Episode:

• Subscribe to my Weekly Newsletter
• Visit My Website
• Get the Book: The Empath Detox
• The Empath Detox Oracle Deck

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:03

Welcome to the Energy Exchange, a podcast for deep feelers and quiet leaders. Here, we explore what happens when we start working with our natural energy in both our business and personal lives. I'm Colleen Wallach. I'm a highly sensitive professional who spent years untangling patterns of overthinking, people pleasing, and playing small just to feel safe. Now, I help others like me step more fully into their power without losing the super power of their softness. We don't have to be allowed to be seen, and we don't have to push to be powerful. Everything is energy. Let's start this exchange. Welcome into this week's episode of the Energy Exchange. Today we're diving into something I think almost everyone does. And if you're someone who feels deeply, notices things, and naturally reads between the lines, you probably really do this. Have you ever noticed how quickly your brain will create a full story, even with almost no actual information? Someone doesn't answer your text, someone's tone feels a little off, or maybe the vibes shift in a situation. Today we're talking about what happens when your brain fills in the gaps, why it does this, and how to catch yourself before a made-up story runs your entire day or your life. So let's get into it. Here's what's happening beneath the surface. When you lack data, your brain wants to fill in the gaps. This is a safety mechanism. It wants to complete the story so that it knows what to do next. And if you're someone who's ultra-sensitive or really perceptive, those gaps will not stay empty for long. And here's where it really gets twisted. There's a little bit of a time travel element happening when we do this because the stories we're filling in aren't random. They're usually pulled from our past relationships, disappointments, or maybe moments where something did go wrong. So even though you're in a present-day situation, your brain is reaching backwards for evidence and then projecting it forward. If we're not careful, it feels intuitive. Like we think we know what's going on, but a lot of times it's just familiar. And that's why it resonates so loudly for us in that moment. And those stories that we will fill in, they're rarely neutral. We usually don't land in the middle. We tend to go in one of two directions. We're gonna go worst case, you know, I did something wrong, they're pulling away, this is about to fall apart. Or what looks like best case, everything's fine, they're just busy, or it's all gonna work out exactly how I want it to. In that worst case scenario, our brain is looking for some kind of meaning so that we can either find closure or so we can decide what to do to change the situation. In that best case scenario, we're creating a story that protects our peace, maybe eases our anxiety, or still lets us stay attached to the outcome that we want. And the direction that your brain chooses to go in is gonna depend on a few things. Number one, it might just be your past history, right? Have you seen this movie before? Does it have a lot of evidence for one case versus the other? And then the other is just how safe do you feel in your body, in your relationships, your state of mind? What is your nervous system doing right now? What is your sense of peace like? Because our brain isn't just filling in a story, it's filling in a story that matches our internal state and what we currently need to feel safe and at peace. And once we've got that story, it doesn't just sit there. Our brain starts working to prove it. This is where confirmation bias comes in, and it works both ways. Your brain will work really hard to support whatever thought you feed it. So if you believe something's wrong, it will go looking for evidence to confirm that. If you believe everything's fine, it's gonna look for evidence of that too. So now you're not just filling in the gaps, you're reinforcing them. You are scanning your present moment for proof of a story that may have been built on incomplete information to begin with, which is usually the case. But that's why it feels so real because we found all of this evidence to support that story. So I'll give a real life example of this. In my 20s, I was, gosh, I was like 265 pounds. I believed that my weight was the reason I didn't have the relationship I wanted, the job I wanted, the life I wanted. And I believed that so strongly that my brain served me proof of it constantly. I noticed rejection, I noticed being overlooked, I noticed doors closing. And that wasn't like the only thing that was happening for me, but those were the things I was filtering for. And I think where this gets tricky is when what you think doesn't really match what you know. Like there was a part of me that knew I was really smart, I was creative, I had certain things about me that were magnetic. I could feel that in certain environments around certain people. But that was a deep down thought. And I think that that disconnect made things hit even harder for me because every experience got filtered through a story that wasn't really aligned with who I was, but I was just leaning really heavily into one side of the equation. When you're filling in the gaps, you're not just creating a story, you're creating a filter. And that filter starts shaping what you notice, what you feel, how you respond, even if the original story wasn't fully true. So I was walking around with a chip on my shoulder about my weight, which certainly impacted how I was showing up in new situations. I have zero doubt about that. And those unintentional filters are where a lot of the spiraling comes from. Because once that story starts, it builds. We have the thought, we give it meaning. That meaning creates some kind of emotion, which leads to more thoughts and more meaning. And then before we know it, we're reacting to something that actually hasn't been confirmed. We're not responding to reality, we're responding to a completed story that our brain created to avoid sitting in uncertainty. So we have to get good at interrupting that pattern. The number one thing we can do, and this is what works for me, anyways, is to say to ourselves, I don't have enough information yet. Saying that out loud is really helpful. Not everything needs to be solved in real time, and not every feeling needs a meaning immediately. We can simply leave it at, I don't have enough data. And we usually don't. I think it's also helpful to take things at face value. And this one is harder if you're a deep feeler or consider yourself intuitive, but sometimes we've just got to believe what someone tells us. And I know that's not easy, especially if you have trust issues, maybe you have a history of people not communicating clearly, or you've learned to read between the lines because you had to. But most of the time, taking something at face value is actually the most regulated response available to us in that moment. And the biggest thing to remember is that it's usually not about us. It's really easy when something feels off to immediately look for our role in it. And if you have a history of hypervigilance scanning the room, that's a very natural response. I tend to see other people's energy in relation to my own. You know, what did I do wrong? What could I have done differently? What does it say about me? And most of the time it's just not about you. People have their own internal worlds, their own stress, distractions, patterns. Not everything is going to be a reflection of you. There might not be anything you could do differently to change a situation, which can make us feel helpless, but at the same time, it's also pretty powerful. There's literally nothing you can do. So just go live your life, right? So when we catch ourselves filling in the gaps, it's helpful to ask, number one, what do I actually know about this situation? And what details am I adding? And then finally, do I have enough information yet to decide what this even means? When you lack data, your brain will try to fill in the gaps. That's how it's designed. But our work is learning to pause before we believe the story that it creates. So staying in the present instead of letting our past write that narrative. We might not have enough information yet. All right, I'm gonna be short and sweet this week and leave it there. If this episode hit home, please send it to someone who needs to hear it. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to the podcast so you don't miss an episode and leave a review. I would love that. All right, guys, thank you for listening and I will chat with you next week.