EP. 12 I Thought I Needed It

I never planned to quit.

What started as a simple 21-day fast unexpectedly became six months of choosing healing over coping.

In this deeply personal episode, I'm opening up about my journey from depending on Mary Jane every day to discovering that the very thing I thought I needed to survive was actually keeping me from fully living.

We talk about addiction, anxiety, depression, temptation, faith, and what it really looks like to choose freedom one day at a time. This isn't a story about perfection—it's a story about progress, becoming, and believing that change is possible.

If you've ever felt trapped by a habit, a relationship, a mindset, or anything you thought you couldn't live without, this episode is for you.

🤍 Stay until the end for this week's Reset & Reflect Moment, where we'll take a step toward healing together.

Transcript

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And three, two, and one. Welcome back to Filling Out My Home Foundry Temper Company. I'm your host camera and if this is your first time here, welcome my beautiful friends and my beautiful people. Because this is your space where we stop pretending, start feeling, and give ourselves permission to become everything God created us to be. So grab your coffee, get comfortable, or press play wherever you are. And let's talk boundaries, becoming and everything it takes to realign, reset, and truly live this life out loud. So today isn't just another episode. It's a thank you, it's a reflection, and it's truly a testimony. Because this month I'm celebrating a milestone that once felt impossible, a milestone I used to pray for through tears, doubt, and days when I wasn't sure if I'd make it. And today I get to tell you, my people, my friends, today I am officially six months clean. Six months of choosing healing, six months of choosing obedience over old habits, six months of choosing the life God was calling me into, even when it meant leaving behind the life I was comfortable with. Now I won't pretend the journey has been easy. I mean, there were days I wanted to quit, days I questioned myself, days I wondered if all the hard work was even worth it. There were moments when I wanted to go back to what was so familiar because healing felt harder than staying the same. But every time I wanted to give up, God reminded me that freedom was on the other side of faithfulness. So this episode isn't about celebrating perfection, it's about celebrating progress. It's about what happens when you keep saying yes to God, even when the process is really uncomfortable. So if you're in a season where you're fighting for your peace, your healing, your sobriety, your purpose, or you're simply fighting to become a better version of yourself, I hope my story reminds you that your breakthrough may be closer than you think. Because if God can change my life in six months, friend, imagine what he can do with yours. Now, let's really heal out loud. Now, before we go any further, I do want to be honest with you. Now, when I say I'm six months clean, I want you to know exactly what that means. For years, I used to smoke what the famous songwriter used to say, Mary Jane, every single day. I was in love with Mary Jane. It became part of my routine. And honestly, it became part of my survival. You know, I truly convinced myself I needed it just to get through the day. I told myself it helped with my depression. I told myself it kept my anxiety under control. I even told myself that it calmed my anger, you know, to the point that I even believed it kept the violence side out of me from coming out. Now, in my mind, it wasn't a problem. It was my way of coping. And the truth is, when something becomes your answer for everything, you don't even realize how dependent you've become until you try to live without it. And what's funny is I never really truly planned to just quit. You know, I wasn't sitting around on New Year's Eve making a New Year's resolution saying this is the year I'm going to stop smoking. Okay, that wasn't my plan at all. But at the beginning of the year, an old mentor of mine, Pastor Day Marcus Faison, he posted about a 21-day fast. And I never really tried a fast before. But one thing about Pastor Faison is that he was always encouraging me to step outside of my comfort zone, try new things, and keep growing into the woman God was calling me to become. So before I go any further, I do want to take a quick moment just to say thank you. Thank you, Pastor Faison, and thank you to your beautiful family for the way you guys have poured into so many people, including myself. You know, you may never fully know how one invitation, one post, or one word of encouragement can change people's lives. But I'm living proof that it can. And I'm grateful that God allowed our paths to cross. And I'll always appreciate the role you played in my journey. Now, when I saw the post, guys, something in me said, Kayla, why not? But the only problem was, you know, if you ever smoked before, you know exactly what comes with it. What the munchies, okay? And I knew there was no way I was going to make it through a fast if I was smoking every day. So I decided to stop. But my intentions weren't forever. You know, it was just for the fast, just for 21 days, and that was it. Okay. I wasn't trying to become sober, I was simply trying to stay committed to something I had never done before. But then something unexpected happened. When those 21 days ended, I realized, hey, I've made it. And for the first time in years, I had gone three weeks without depending on something I thought I couldn't live without. You know, so I challenged myself, you know, what if I just do another 21 days? You know, not forever, just another 21. And somehow, 21 days became six months. And looking back now, I realized what started as a commitment to a fast slowly became a commitment to myself. And maybe more importantly, it became a commitment to discovering who I was without the thing I thought I needed to survive. I didn't even know it then. But those first 21 days weren't the finish line. They were the beginning of a brand new chapter. And that's where the real work begun. Now I want to be real with you about something. Quitting wasn't the hardest part. If you ever had an addiction, you know the hardest part is truly staying away. Because nobody really talks about what happens after you stop depending on something you've leaned on for years. You know, at first I thought I was going to feel free right away. You know, like one day I would just wake up and everything would feel light and easy, but it didn't happen like that, okay, friend. Instead, I had to sit with everything I had been avoiding. The depression didn't just disappear. The anxiety didn't just vanish. The anger didn't magically calm down, and the emotions I used to numb, they were all still there. Just a whole lot louder. There were days I felt like I was losing it mentally. Days where I questioned if I made the right decision. Days where I told myself, you know, maybe I was better off how I used to cope. And I need you to hear me when I say this part. There were moments I almost went back. Like, really almost. And it's not because I didn't want to change, okay? It was because sitting with my emotions felt heavier than escaping them. You know, there were days I broke down so bad I didn't even have words for it. And there were physical moments too, okay? Moments where my body reacted to the stress in ways I didn't expect. You know, I broke out in hives multiple times from the anxiety and pressure I was carrying. And that's how real it got for me. And in those moments, I had a choice. Go back to what numbed everything, or sit in it and try to figure out how to survive without losing myself again. And I won't lie to you, some of those moments felt like battles I wasn't strong enough to win. But that's where something started to shift. Because instead of running, I started praying in the middle of it. And we ain't talking pretty prayers, not long prayers, but just honest ones. Okay, God, I don't want to go back. Help me stay here. Help me not give up on myself. And I wish I could tell you immediately like that, it was fixed. But what it did do, you know, it was keeping me from going back. One moment at a time, one decision at a time, one day at a time. And looking back now, those were the days that built the foundation of my freedom. Not the easy days, not the hard ones, but the days I almost gave up, but I didn't. Now, somewhere in the middle of all that, something started to shift in me. You know, not overnight, not all at once, but slowly and quietly, you know, I started noticing the moments I used to run from. And I was actually sitting in them a little longer. And you know what? I was surviving them. I began realizing that I wasn't as powerless as I truly thought I was, and that I wasn't actually needing what I thought I couldn't live without. It's just felt familiar. And there's a difference between something feeling familiar and something being necessary. Okay, I started learning how to pause before reacting, how to breathe before escaping, and most importantly, how to pray before panicking. And friend, I ain't gonna lie, some days that pause felt like the hardest thing in the world. But it was in those pauses that I started finding myself again. I also noticed something else. You know, my emotions weren't as scary as I made them out to be. Okay, yes, they were heavy, and yes, they were uncomfortable, but they weren't destroying me the way I thought they would. You know, they were actually just asking me to be felt. And for the first time in a long time, I wasn't numbing them. You know, I was learning them, understanding them, letting them pass through me instead of taking over me. And in that process, my relationship with God changed too. And it's not because I suddenly became a perfect pring woman, okay? It was because I started talking to him in real time. You know, not just after I mess up, not after when I needed some forgiveness, but in the middle of it, in the tension, in the craving, in the anxiety, in the moments where I didn't know what I was going to do next. And slowly, peace started showing up where chaos used to live. Not because life got easier, but because I stopped running from what it was the same. I started choosing myself in ways I never had before. You know, I was choosing rest, choosing honesty, choosing discipline over impulse, friend. And I didn't even realize it at first. But I was becoming someone new, not someone different, just someone I never fully met before. So if you're listening to this and you're in the middle of your own struggle right now, I want you to slow down for a second and really hear me, friend. Not the version of me you see now, and not the version of me six months in, but the version of me that was still deep in it, still depending on something I thought I couldn't function without, still convincing myself I was quote unquote fine while knowing I wasn't really okay. Friend, I know what that cycle feels like. That constant waking up and immediately reaching for something just to feel stable. The telling yourself, I'll stop later while secretly being afraid of what later even looks like. The belief that if you take it away, everything will fall apart. I lived in that space longer than I care to admit. And friend, what I've learned is this most of the things we cling to aren't just habits, they become emotional safety nets. They become the thing we run to when life feels too heavy, too loud, or too overwhelming. But I need you to hear this clearly that just because something helped you cope doesn't mean it's helping you heal. And there comes a moment where you have to ask yourself, is this still helping me survive? Or is it slowly keeping me stuck? I'm not saying that question is easy, friend. It wasn't easy for me either, because letting go meant I had to sit in emotions I had spent years avoiding. And I'm not going to pretend that was pretty. Because there were days I felt like I was truly spiraling. Days where my mind was loud, my body reacted physically, and I didn't even feel like myself at all. But even in that, something was shifting. Because for the first time, I wasn't escaping immediately. I was staying present just long enough to realize that I could survive the feeling, even if it was uncomfortable, even if it was intense, even if I didn't like it. And if you're in that place right now where everything in you wants to go back to what's familiar, I want you to understand more than you know, but I also need you to know familiar is not the same as healthy, and comfort is not the same as peace. You don't have to figure everything out today, but maybe today is just about asking the question. What if I tried something different anyway? Because that's where everything started changing for me. Not when I had all the answers, but when I finally stopped ignoring the question. So some of you may be asking, Kayla, where are you now? And Fran to truly answer that, it's not a finish line. I'm truly in a place of awareness, you know, a place where I can look back and honestly say, I see what I was using to cope, I see what I was using to avoid, and I see how God was slowly pulling me into something better, even when I didn't recognize it at the time. Six months ago, you know, I thought I was giving something up that was holding me together. But now I see I was actually being held together by something that was quietly breaking me down. And the difference between those two realities changed everything. You know, I didn't become this version of myself because I got it right every day. But I became her because I kept choosing not to go back every time I was tempted. And trust me, friend, there's temptation out there. Some days that choice was strong. Some days it was barely a decision. It was just me holding on by a thread. But guess what? I held on, and that matters. Because healing isn't just about moments you feel strong, it's about the moments you don't give up when you don't feel strong at all. And guess what? I'm still becoming. I'm still learning who I am without old coping mechanisms, still discovering what peace actually feels like when it's not temporary, still growing to a version of me I used to only pray about. But I'm no longer fighting myself every day just to survive myself. And that alone is something that I don't take lightly. All right, now before we close out of today's episode, I actually want to introduce something I'm officially naming and adding to every episode moving forward. We are gonna call all of our activities a reset and reflect moment. Okay, because it's not just something that I want y'all to continue to just listen to. Friend, I actually want you to do something, okay? Practice this every day in your life. It is reset and reflect moment. And I want you to always be honest whenever we have these moments. Be honest with yourself. So if you're dealing with anything you started depending on just to get through the day, I truly want you to sit in this one. So go get that journal. Go into your notes app and your phone. I don't care what you gotta grab, go get it and get it now, friend. Now and I want you to ask yourself these three things. And pause in between if you need to, friend. It's okay, because I want you to get your healing. So the first question is what am I relying on that I once thought I needed, but might actually be hurting me? And y'all know my story, so you know my answer. But friend, what is yours? And be truthful with yourself. Number two, what am I afraid I'd have to feel if I let it go? For me, it was all my emotions. For me, it was thinking that all my anger, the violent streak in me, all that would be released. Like it was like opening a cage or something and just letting it out. But friend, be honest, what what are you afraid that you'll feel? Number three, do I believe I can actually survive without it? Now, six months ago, my answer was absolutely not. But looking back now, seeing six months ahead, yeah, I definitely can. So, friend, don't rush past that last question and don't rush past none of them. Okay, really sit with it. Because sometimes the biggest thing holding us back isn't the habit itself, actually. It's the belief that we can't live without it. And that belief is louder than the craving. And if all you do today is be honest about where you are, I promise you that's enough. Because that's still progress, that's still becoming, and that's still healing out loud. You know, I used to really believe I couldn't live without what I was depending on. It wasn't just a habit to me. You know, it felt like protection, like something that helped me manage emotions I didn't know how to sit with. But what I've learned is that anything I felt I couldn't live without, I was actually building my life around it. And slowly it started tearing me apart while I call it coping. You know, letting go did instantly make life easier, but it did make it real. And in that reality, I started learning how to actually feel things instead of escaping them. So, friend, if you're in that place where you feel stuck to something you know is hurting you, I don't want you to shame yourself. I want you to be honest enough to ask, what if I don't actually need this to survive? Because sometimes the first step to freedom is just questioning what you've been convinced you can't live without. And if you're even asking that question today, say it with me, guys. That's growth, baby. All right, now that is a wrap on today's episode. And if it encouraged you, please share it with someone who needs a reminder that change is possible. Friend, don't forget to rate the podcast for me, please. And also, guys, leave a review and follow Healing Out Loud, Boundaries and Becoming, so you never miss an episode. And as I celebrate Six Months Clean, I want this episode to be more than my testimony. I want it to be an invitation, an invitation to believe that healing is real, freedom is possible, and your story doesn't end with your struggle because healing isn't a straight line. And becoming doesn't happen overnight, it happens in moments like this when we choose honesty over hiding and growth over going back. So wherever you are in your journey, I hope you remember this. You are not your coping mechanism, you are not your struggle, and you are not too far gone to start choosing differently. Friend, you're still becoming. So thank you for walking this journey with me. And until next time, keep setting those boundaries, keep becoming who God created you to be, and keep healing out loud. Because every step forward matters, and friend, so do you.