Don't File Yet: Why You Need to Separate Before Divorce.

        Hey Believers, in this episode, we talk about why some couples may need separation before rushing into divorce. Too many people make permanent decisions in the middle of pain, anger, pride, and confusion. We discuss accountability, wise counsel, self-reflection, protecting children, and why healing starts when you stop focusing only on your spouse and start letting God work on you, too.

This conversation is for couples who feel overwhelmed, frustrated, and ready to give up. We are not talking about staying in abusive situations. We are talking about marriages where people may need space, prayer, counsel, and time to seek clarity before making a final decision.

If your marriage is under pressure, this message may help you slow down and consider other options before filing for divorce.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Some people is fighting against their own marriage and surrendering over to the enemy for their own marriage. And then you want us to fight? No, I'm not fighting for you, and you're not even fighting for your own marriage. You the problem. But you won't recognize it, you won't surrender it, you won't repent for the things that you're doing, and you just want to point the finger at your spouse. You have no accountability, no. Alan and Eve here to help you believe that marriage is not a game.

SPEAKER_03 0:26

Talk to them. What up, Dale, everybody? Oh, welcome to Alan Eve podcast. Like that. Hey, if y'all new here, come on. You always giggling. She's just giggling. I like it because you got that beautiful smile. I appreciate it. Welcome to all our.

SPEAKER_01 0:48

See, I can be like this without being high.

SPEAKER_03 0:50

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 0:50

You know what I mean? You know how some people I used to when we used to take those gummies. Exactly. And I used to be giggly and everything was funny. And you know, you think that that's the only way to be that way, but no sense.

SPEAKER_03 1:04

You just happy, high on life and happy, happy marriage. Yeah. Peace to surpasses all understanding, joy. It would be something if you was numb in our marriage and looking sad and stuff. Like sad and depressed on our videos. Like, is she okay? Right. Do they even got a good marriage? Like, she don't look happy. Like she good. But welcome everybody. Especially our new um new new followers or or new people. You're joining us and you new? Come on in. Welcome. We are talking about everything marriage, everything relationship or dating in a biblical sense, and for our Christians out there.

SPEAKER_01 1:40

And our own experiences. Let's know that it's this is not gonna just be like, oh, let's do statistics. We are based off experience, we're giving our opinions on some things and talk to them, you know.

SPEAKER_03 1:53

Welcome.

SPEAKER_01 1:54

It's happy for y'all to be here.

SPEAKER_03 1:55

Yeah, we had a lot of experience. We went through a lot of heartache and pain and suffering that we shouldn't have to.

SPEAKER_01 2:00

Yeah, and we want to share it so other people don't have to go through it, you know.

SPEAKER_03 2:04

But welcome back to our um, what would you call them? I don't want to say existing following. Welcome back to our family. Yeah, our cousin, our family, y'all, y'all. Cousin. Y'all like our cousins now. Y'all like distance cousin. Y'all come back. Y'all like I hate to keep saying family. Everybody say family. Now y'all cousin.

SPEAKER_01 2:22

But that is cousin is a family member.

SPEAKER_03 2:24

No, no, it is family, but everybody say, What's up, fam? I like cousins. I like a distant cousin.

SPEAKER_00 2:29

Some of those uh distance cousins be freaky.

SPEAKER_01 2:32

They be trying to keep family, I ain't trying to have those type of cousins, you know.

SPEAKER_03 2:37

Okay, today today we're gonna talk about we're talking about don't foul yet why you need to separate. You said freaky cousins. Like, what is that? Let's get back to the freaky cousins. What's that about like we're not talking about freaky cousins, y'all? We're talking about don't foul yet why you need to separate first. This is this is uh a video my wife came up with and um or topic, topic. I'm sorry, the topic that my wife came up with, and they all you they always do so good when you come up with these spur of the moment type of god.

SPEAKER_01 3:11

Because I want to talk about it, y'all. Let's talk about how people just let's just dive right on into it.

SPEAKER_03 3:16

Yeah, because we see I'm sorry, go ahead. No, no, you go could we get messaging? People are so ready to divorce, divorce, divorce, any heartache and pain. Not everybody, we I don't believe everybody's going to somebody's mental, spiritual, or uh uh physical abuse. Again, with the caveats, please go see help.

SPEAKER_01 3:36

Talk to somebody, we're not talking about any type of abuse in any form because people just go way to the left with the same thing. You want me to stay?

SPEAKER_02 3:46

You want me to stay? You want me to stay with me?

SPEAKER_01 3:48

Like, all right, come on, let's not do that.

SPEAKER_04 3:51

You gotta do that.

SPEAKER_01 3:52

But yeah, I just want to say, I just want to say that you know, we all get to the point where we irritated. And if your first thought, just because your spouse is not agreeing with you, or y'all going through some type of disagreement, or if they haven't changed quick enough for you and your liking, now it's just divorce. I don't want to deal with this no more. I don't want to like it's not something you need to work on, you know? And I think that it's so easy. Divorce is the easy way out for you to just say, I'm done. Right. Have y'all did counseling? Did y'all, did you separate? You know, did you take the proper steps before just getting a divorce? Now, if you have and the person just continued on doing whatever they was doing, okay. But we're talking about the people that just go straight to divorce and you're claiming to be a Christian, but you haven't taken any steps to try to reconcile with your husband or wife. Yeah, you divorce shouldn't just be the first thing that you're doing.

SPEAKER_03 4:49

Hmm. Amen. I mean, don't you agree? No, I I totally we talk about steps a lot of the time. We talk about procedures on separate, get yourself because maybe y'all need some breathing space. Y'all need some space from each other. It's getting a little tense, it's getting a little hot. Maybe you need to talk to we always say wise counseling, talk to your friend or your buddy that's not just gonna agree with everything you say, but give you some type of insight of understanding, like, yo, you tripping right now. This is not that big of a deal, right? You need to just calm down, uh, acknowledge you're wrong because we all play a part in disagreement and arguments. Me and my wife got a healthy, a great marriage. Sometimes it is my fault. Sometimes it is my wife's fault. But we can you better check that face. Hey, hey, no, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, no.

SPEAKER_02 5:44

Nah, don't try to throw me in there because you always wrong 95% of the time.

SPEAKER_03 5:49

But now every time I get my feelings hurt, I'm thinking like, oh, I want a divorce, I want to out of here. It does get rough. It does get rough. Is that how you think? They want the divorce.

SPEAKER_02 5:57

Yeah, you're talking about before the or you're just saying other people.

SPEAKER_03 6:00

Yeah, I'm talking about other people. Yeah, yeah. Oh, chill, chill. But not first, because once you put a family together, including kids, and y'all bond together and y'all have like all this goal. Like, I said, I thought kids. No, you need to pronunciate this kids together, building a family. I I like I get my so emotional when I think about this, because one person feels like I don't want to do this no more. I want out, I can't be in this marriage. I want to leave, and you the only one that get get to make this decision. Your wife or your spouse, anybody else, don't matter. They can't they don't have a say so. The kids don't have a say so. They have to constantly, they have to be torn apart, and and just the whole family split up instead of y'all working at it or separating. Okay, we are getting torn apart, and other people have to suffer because one person felt like I don't want to be here no more. I want to be with somebody else. Maybe y'all got a little fling going on.

SPEAKER_00 7:10

That's not a fling.

SPEAKER_03 7:11

Yeah, a little fling, fling, fling. Okay, and it's showing you this is what I'm missing out on. This is the fun I could have it. And it's only feeling like this because y'all don't know each other.

SPEAKER_01 7:20

And it's it's seeing and rebellion. Seeing and rebellion is always always feel good. But look, I want to just point this out because when people get, you know, they like when you're to the point where you want a divorce, it's always about what they did, what they're not doing, what their lack thereof is. Right. But rarely is it the person that's stepping back to say, what can I do to better the situation? Why is it like this as us being one? We're one, so that means that it's a team effort on why this divorce is, I mean, this marriage is not working out. It's not just always one person. I don't care if that person is cheating all the time. I'm not, it's still something in the relationship that you are doing that you can be better at. I I'm not an advocate for a cheater to say, oh, it's something you need to do better, and they stop cheating. That's not what I'm saying. I'm just using as an example. If they are a cheater, if they are a liar, if they are a thief or whatever, it's something that you need to work on still as well. That's all I'm saying. So when you separate, you should be focusing on you. You shouldn't be focusing on when are they gonna get better. I don't see no progress in them. I don't see them doing this, and I told them I want them to be like this, but I don't I'm yet to see it. How about focus on yourself on what you're supposed to be doing? The problem is, is when people so focused, because I say this all the time, they're so focused on that other person, they can't even see their own flaws and their own mistakes. And that's the issue.

SPEAKER_03 8:53

I was gonna say this before. I was gonna say this in a short or something, but I think some people get to the point in their marriage where I know my fault, and I know this is causing problems in my marriage, but I don't care.

SPEAKER_01 9:09

Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_03 9:10

I want them to change because I see their fault in everything they do, and I know I play a part, but it's so much in our marriage that's causing us to be separate or or distant from each other that I'm not gonna change it because their situation and what they're doing seems worse than my own. I know I'm doing something, I get that.

SPEAKER_01 9:35

Then I would say you the problem. If that's your mindset, you the problem. Everything you just explained, if somebody is out here and they say, Yeah, that's exactly how I feel, you the problem. Whoever you are, who just had that mindset and agreed with him. Because for you to sit here and say you want somebody, you're not gonna change at all, you're not willing to change because what they do is worse than what you do when it's all the same. Sin is sin, offense is offense, it's different levels to that. Something I might say to you offend you, but if you said it to me, it wouldn't offend me. So it's levels to this. And at the end of the day, if you are not willing to give that same effort that you're requiring for somebody else, you the problem.

SPEAKER_03 10:16

Thank you. I am the problem, ain't I? Like they like, I don't care. I take this whole ship down with us. I don't care. Okay, because what they're doing is hurting my feelings, and I'm gonna get my get back. They want to do that, I'm gonna do it too.

SPEAKER_01 10:33

That really sounds very childish and very immature. Seriously.

SPEAKER_03 10:37

Because you have two choices. And I come with these choices sometimes in our marriage. Should I do the right thing or should I do the wrong thing?

SPEAKER_02 10:44

And you always choose the immature style.

SPEAKER_03 10:47

Should I should I think a golly way or should I think my flesh? Should I be because it happens in a mirror? It's you can't avoid this. We can't avoid our feelings being hurt or being in our feelings. Our feelings sometimes can take over. And sometimes we have to step back and like what what mindset I'm in, what position I'm in. Am I attacking my wife because she hurt me? Am I attacking, or I'm saying stuff because I want to say it? Like, is this is this gonna benefit our marriage? And some people in the mindset, like, I don't care anymore. I I'm gonna let this thought take over. And if they're gonna act like this, forget this. They got me messed up. If they're gonna do what they want to do, I'm about to do the same thing, and we just gonna be two people in our flesh doing whatever. And then somebody can get fed up, like, I don't want to do y'all years and years of this. And somebody be like, I don't think we should separate, I think we should just divorce because it's nothing's getting better, of course, because one person in this who's doing this needs to change in your marriage. They don't care if it's you, you want the other person, you change first. I have noticed that. I noticed that in our marriage. Like, stop worrying about you, change little by little. It could be baby step, change how you talk, change your process of what you're thinking, stop being in your feelings, or step back. If I get my feelings hurt, I don't need to bring it up all the time to you. I need to step back and recognize, like, okay, they might be going through something. Maybe they need a hug, or maybe they just I know we may think about hugs in that moment. They got their feelings hurt. Like, let me get a hug from you, like, get back. But uh just slow down. Take like sacrifice is the big thing in the Christian marriage. A lot of people don't want to sacrifice. I think 75% of people in marriage, in a Christian marriage, reading the Bible, understand what it says. I don't want to sacrifice in my marriage. I want my get back. Or I want to do what I feel like I should be doing.

SPEAKER_00 12:43

Right.

SPEAKER_03 12:44

And the other person is spending money doing what they want to do. I want to spend money too. I'm supposed to sit back and let them spend the money, and me just like I'm being godly right now. Let me just sacrifice for the moment and let them realize that I'm choosing grace.

SPEAKER_01 13:04

But I think that this is the thing. We get so caught up on when a person is supposed to change. Like they're on our timeline.

SPEAKER_00 13:12

Right.

SPEAKER_01 13:13

It could be five years that you're going through pure just turmoil in your marriage. Right. And it is God's timeline on when something changed, when he shifts something, when someone is delivered from something, when someone's eyes is open and they're no longer blinded to the things that they're doing. You want God to use your marriage, but you're not willing to actually go through the seasons that are unpleasant, uncomfortable. You're not even willing to get to where you have a testimony.

SPEAKER_04 13:44

Right.

SPEAKER_01 13:45

And now you blaming God or you looking like, well, maybe I wasn't supposed to be with this person. Right, right. And it's just like you should have had that thought process on if you should be with this person or not before you get married. All of these kinds, all of these thoughts that you're having right now in the marriage to try to justify why you won't be out of the marriage is totally, totally inappropriate.

SPEAKER_04 14:08

Right.

SPEAKER_01 14:08

You should have had the same thought process before marriage, and that's why it's important to seek wise counsel and premarital counseling before marriage. It's so important.

SPEAKER_03 14:17

Definitely.

SPEAKER_01 14:19

Um, I think Oh, I'm sorry, just to this one last thing, too. Because if you seek premarital counseling before, you will already have that. You won't be wondering, like, man, who can I go to when I am going through something in my marriage? You already have that go-to premarital person who helped you all out to make it to the altar and uh also can walk with you through your marriage.

SPEAKER_03 14:42

Right. And y'all need steps, y'all need maybe you need to see counseling or pre-marital counseling by yourself. Right. Individual, right. Uh a man's meeting, maybe you need a wife's meeting. Right. Well, y'all could just do it individual style and work on yourself. We all need to work on ourselves. You sure do. Nobody's like, I'm just all put together, I'm good. Like, I don't need to.

SPEAKER_01 15:02

And if you are in a place where you feel like you all put together and you good, you lying and deceiving yourself. Yeah, you're the problem. Because it's a you are the problem. Because it is a constant, kind of constant daily battle of carrying your across. Okay.

SPEAKER_03 15:18

So if we all just want to go through the route of getting divorced, I think we all, it would be a hundred percent of people getting divorced and they married. They'd be like, forget this, I can't do it. Right. But a lot of them, I believe, people married, they they step back before they go through the process of like, I want out this, they go through the process of let me calm down, understand my spouse a little better, and know what I need to do in child.

SPEAKER_01 15:45

Some people don't want to understand where their spouse are. They don't want to understand that mindset. They don't want to give them a chance to enter into their you know thinking pattern. They don't want to surrender, because somebody gotta surrender, really.

SPEAKER_03 16:03

It takes for somebody to compromise and step away from friends or family if they're talking about divorce too. And they're telling you they're trying to push this divorce on you to do this. Of course, if you're going through some, you in danger, of course. Always separate to make sure this is the right decision y'all want to do for your family. And I don't know. Sometimes when I've heard stories that people went through, like somebody they see how serious somebody is, and they need to be serious about their marriage. You talk about separation. Somehow something clicked for them, and they like, okay, I want to do better in my marriage. I know it sucks that you have to go through that with some people, but it's it's just like that.

SPEAKER_01 16:43

And then everybody considering they self, how they feel. They don't consider what this is gonna be like for the children, they don't consider about your opening up that door because you're you're divorcing, and then more than likely, people get into a blended family, and you're right placing your children in a situation that may be unsafe for them. Very, very unsafe, very unsafe for things to happen. Lestation, right, you know, grape, any of those things, any type of physical abuse, you know, you don't know all of these other entities that's coming in, and now your children are exposed to that. And I'm not saying just stay for the children, but give it all you have because God is in the midst, and he can change and will change situations when you surrender things over to him. Stop just praying against or you know, you praying, oh, make my husband or wife better, make me better, help me see what I can do, help me see the enemy that's coming against my marriage. Some people is fighting against their own marriage and surrendering over to the enemy for their own marriage. And then you want us to fight? No, I'm not fighting for you, and you're not even fighting for your own marriage, you the problem. But you won't recognize it, you won't surrender it, you won't repent for the things that you're doing, and you just want to point the finger at your spouse, you have no accountability, no.

SPEAKER_03 18:14

And be careful too, what's driving the divorce. If you're talking to somebody casually, if you're having a conversation with another person, a person of the opposite sex, and you're being driven by lust, you need to recognize this. When we talk about separation, it's for you to be separated from everybody else that can cause you from temptation to cloud your judgment. We want you in in the presence of God. Separation means you in the presence of God, asking him for his wisdom, his guidance to strengthen you, to show me how to get better or what I need to do for my marriage to save it. And not just so focus on my spouse. Strengthen me, God. Show me the ways that's not of you. Show me if I'm showing the ways.

SPEAKER_02 19:05

Okay, okay. I got you. I got you. I got you. All right. Well, I understand in my head. Wait, wait, wait, wait. You want to go down that road with that? What are we doing? Nah, I understand.

SPEAKER_03 19:13

Unbiblical. Right, okay. Because I'm characteristic of the Holy Spirit. Right, right.

SPEAKER_01 19:19

Which is right there, it's plain, it's written. Right. You know, is it Galatians?

SPEAKER_03 19:24

Yeah, Galatians.

SPEAKER_01 19:25

Galatians 5, 22, 2, 3. And I think it's beyond that because those are just the fruits of the spirit. But we're talking about the fruits of the world. Yeah. Drunkenness, envy, jealousy, all of these things, orgies, and people out here welcoming other people into their marriage and trying to figure out why is they failing. Wow. When you leave you sleeping with demons, you opening up the door to lust. You allowing these lust demons and all of this to influence now your children. Yeah, that's who raising your children. Yeah. The demonic stuff that's on the inside of you. Can you stop? This is not a sermon. Like, what are we doing?

SPEAKER_00 20:04

I like it. Like it was powerful. I really thank you, Nettie. But when you start hollering and screaming, that kind of thing.

SPEAKER_03 20:10

They gotta throw me up. I'm sorry. I'll be I can't do it.

SPEAKER_00 20:13

I'll be getting, I'll be getting like, I don't know. Just shake it.

SPEAKER_03 20:18

Just do this.

SPEAKER_02 20:19

Just do that.

SPEAKER_00 20:19

Right, right, right.

SPEAKER_03 20:20

Oh, yeah, Lord. I love it. You still, ladies, y'all. Take the proper step on getting separated before divorce. Everybody. And we know all y'all not going to know it type of abuse situation. Let's be real. You can fake it and say, Oh, he did this. Y'all disagree. People have disappointed.

SPEAKER_00 20:42

Or he told me to shut my mouth. Right. And that's abuse to me.

SPEAKER_03 20:46

It's like, come on, like. Yeah, harsh words to me, or she stopped cooking, or he she stopped cleaning, or he not taking care of the gears, or he playing video games.

SPEAKER_01 20:55

But the crazy thing is, is when they say that she's not cooking or he's not cooking or cleaning, you not either. Like, how about you make it a team effort? If you make it a team effort, it's not too much on her, it's not too much on you. Y'all just doing y'all parts, and that's how we live.

SPEAKER_03 21:07

Laziness, right? That's what I'm saying. One person is lazy.

SPEAKER_01 21:11

Or somebody, like you said, maybe the man is working and he expects everything to be perfect in the house when he gets home. But guess what? You didn't do a perfect job at your job.

SPEAKER_04 21:20

Right.

SPEAKER_01 21:21

You didn't do a perfect job at your job. So your expectations is a little too high. You need to go ahead and lower your expectations and allow the person to grow. I used to be that person that set expectations way too high for myself and everybody around me, and I didn't even meet my own expectations. Okay, so go ahead and lower that.

SPEAKER_03 21:40

Lower it up. So separate, please go through the proper channels. Seek wise counseling. Seek wise counseling before we go through the divorce. Divorce. People get a divorce, then and the door for they're in a divorce for a couple years and not. Trying to get back together. Right. We could have just separated, get out our feelings, and made it work. Now the kids back and forth. Then a relationship, this relationship. Now mom and daddy back together.

SPEAKER_01 22:10

They so confused. And and when you separate, you don't need to be around people that is hooray, hooraying for you to get a divorce.

SPEAKER_00 22:20

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 22:21

You around the influence of people telling you you should be getting a divorce.

SPEAKER_03 22:26

If it was me, if it was me, I ought to get a divorce.

SPEAKER_01 22:29

This person has never been married, never in a successful relationship. You know, have different baby mothers, baby daddies, and drama in their own life, and you taking advice from them. Come on now. They don't even have their own house in order. Dang.

SPEAKER_03 22:43

I said y'all don't have to follow us. Y'all don't have to listen to our advice, but we're throwing it out there. So yeah, maybe you can.

SPEAKER_00 22:49

For those who do see value in it, you know, uh, something got lost there. Uh I'm not sure if it's we having technical difficulties again.

SPEAKER_03 23:01

Is mine still recording?

SPEAKER_00 23:02

I don't think so.

SPEAKER_01 23:03

Do you see it on yours?

SPEAKER_03 23:04

Oh, you can't see.

SPEAKER_01 23:05

Oh, it is. It just lost connection. My bad.

SPEAKER_03 23:07

Oh, touching up. We always have a technical difference. But we thank y'all so much. We are going, huh? We are going to end it here. We appreciate y'all for stopping by. If you made it this far, y'all. Our peoples. Okay. We thank y'all. Man, if this bless y'all, please like it. Subscribe to the channel. No freaky cousins. Hey, no, no freaky, freaky diggy cousins. No, none of that. But stay tuned to the next video. We will see y'all there. Hopefully. Y'all better be there.

SPEAKER_00 23:41

Peace. See ya.

SPEAKER_01 23:43

Bye. Marriage is not a game.