Blended Families: You Can’t Force Love – Dealing with Step-Parenting Challenges

                 Hey everybody. Today, we’re diving into the complexities of blended families and why you simply can’t force love into existence. In this episode, Allen and Eve discuss the intense pressure coming from culture, the church, and social media to present a "perfect" family dynamic that often does not match the reality of many households. We explore why it is vital to focus on building authentic, genuine relationships rather than striving for a "Brady Bunch" ideal that may not fit your specific family situation.

The conversation heats up as we tackle the difference between immediate respect and the long-term process of bonding. While we believe respect and authority are essential for a functional household, we discuss how forcing titles like "Mom" or "Dad" can often lead to more friction than connection. We also dive into the difficult reality that compatibility between a stepparent and a child is not always guaranteed, and why being at peace with that truth is often the healthiest path forward for the entire family.

Finally, we examine the importance of keeping the marriage as the foundation of the home, adhering to the principle of God, Marriage, then Kids. If you are struggling with a dynamic where a child is attempting to dictate the relationship or cause confusion within the marriage, it may be time to step back and re-evaluate your approach. Join us as we share our perspectives on navigating the challenges of blending families with peace and clarity.

Transcript

Eve 0:00

If somebody came to you and said, I don't want to be bothered with you.

Allen 0:02

We're talking about a child. We're talking about a child. We're talking about a child. Okay, we could talk about the child. They don't comprehend.

Eve 0:09

Okay, again, I just said leave it open then. You can leave it open for the child to come to you. But then what you're also leaving open is them picking and choosing when they want to come to you. Alan the Eve here to help you believe that marriage is not a game.

Allen 0:24

Talk to them, girl. Let's get it started. I hear.

Eve 0:30

Yes, I hear.

Allen 0:31

What up though, everybody? Alan Eve. Alan the E. Yeah. Mm. Shaking the wake. Okay. Buttercup. Yes. Sexy fine. Mm. Too fine, girl. I appreciate it. Skip it. Get into it again, y'all. Y'all know our topic. We like to talk about blended families. Are you blending, huh? Oh my goodness. You have children outside of marriage, y'all? Doing a hanky panky all the time. Or inside of marriage, but then get out of here. Or inside of marriage, and then you went out. You went out. I gotta get out of here. I can't stay in this. Right. Y'all didn't think. Y'all didn't think. Nobody's thinking. So let's help y'all. Including us. We didn't. We weren't thinking either. We just ready to just I gotta do this, gotta hurt them do the da da da da. Right. You know. Smart thing is wait for kids into marriage. The idea of having kids should be in a controlled marriage, in a healthy marriage.

Eve 1:39

A healthy marriage. I was just getting ready to say just because you in a marriage don't mean you should start y'all doing bad already, but now y'all adding kids. Like that doesn't make sense to do.

Allen 1:49

You see all this stuff in social media and life, and people don't want to take care of other people's kids. Some of them do, but not everybody wants that responsibility. Or they're gonna treat your child bad. You don't know what situation your children might have to go through. So let's think about this. God, this is what we're trying to help y'all with. Think right, please. So the topic of this podcast will be blended families. You can't force that love. No. What you gonna do, buttercup? You can't force that love. Talking about with the children, buttercup, please. Again, it looks like you don't know what I'm talking about. It's all it feels good in here. How hot do you want it? Oh Jesus, help me, help me, yo. Okay. Is there anything you want to add? Because I don't want to hog it all up. Throw out your your comment of what you have to say.

Eve 2:41

Well, you just talked for five minutes about the heat being on, so I I forgot what we're talking about.

Allen 2:46

Exactly five minutes. What are we talking about? But in the families, you can't force the love. You ain't forcing love.

Eve 2:54

All right. I don't think that it should be forced. I don't think it should be forced. I think that it should just be a genuine, you know, authentically made relationship. And if if it's not, it's not, you know, I think that either either way, if you have that genuine relationship or you don't, you should be at peace with whatever life brings you. Okay. Like this, you know, every situation is not gonna be this happy, blended Brady Bunch family where everything is perfect, everybody getting along, and you know, everything is good. That's just not reality for some of us. And I'm happy for the people that it's working out 100% perfectly for them. That's wonderful. I'm happy that they don't have to go through the challenges, you know. But for many of us, let's be honest, um it's just unfortunate.

Allen 3:48

Let's talk about the first topic. We're talking about the pressure from culture, choke, church, or social media. You are being pressured out there, y'all. You're getting pressured, yeah. They gotta love you, they gotta love you, they gotta love you, they gotta love you. Yeah, but I now you're putting that pressure on the child, right? Or your the other parent, the parent.

Eve 4:08

But I think that that's just what you expect it to be. It's supposed to be this way, so now you're trying to strive for it to be that way, and and it is pressure, it is like we have to make this work. In reality, no, it doesn't really have to work. It's unfortunately if it don't, but don't live a life of confusion and disruption in your household trying to force a relationship, right?

Allen 4:32

Making somebody uncomfortable, uh, and they're uncomfortable, you are comfortable. Right, because you hear things from social media a lot of times that look at our blended flam, everything's going great.

Eve 4:45

My child, my stepchild or they make the step parent or the stepchild feel bad for not having a kind of connection and nothing.

Allen 4:53

It's okay.

Eve 4:54

Like if you don't sometimes the children and the stepparents are not compatible, but the the two who married are compatible, right? It's not gonna be always a perfect situation where everybody is compatible in the situation, but this is why we say maybe if it didn't work out with their parent, just stay single and focus on your child, and you know, but the reality is you may not be the child and the step parent may not be compatible, maybe not, but y'all know my still, it's always God, marriage, kids, and everybody, yeah. Right. And they will look at you like, oh, he's choosing his wife over his children, and that's horrible, and that's but if you're living by biblical principles and it just didn't work out to where the spouse and the child gets along, I don't think it's really anyone's fault in that situation. I think that it should still be open for repair, but if it don't get repaired, that is what it is too, you know.

Allen 5:50

You have to be cautious with other people in your business, like the church and them and stuff, and right telling you that baby gotta love you. Have that, make sure that baby loves you.

unknown 6:00

Right.

Eve 6:01

Or you, it's not even them, it's like you're comparing it. Like, dang, I see this family over here, and everything working out for Jimmy and Jill, and they're you know, it's so beautiful, and you don't have that yourself, so bitterness, all of this stuff, jealousy, envy, and all of this stuff can, you know, arise, yeah, definitely arise in you, and you looking like this is how it should be. Now you're trying to force that, and you won't ever have that. Never, yeah, never, and you're unsettled, you're not peaceful over like I'm at peace with where we are because it is what it is. We tried to do everything that we could and in our own capacity to make things as smoothly blended as possible. But again, there's so many different people within that you can't please everybody. And if you're hurting yourself in the process of trying to please people, you need to let that go. That's just a simple way.

Allen 7:01

And with children, give it time. Don't try to rush it, give it a little time. They might warm up, they might not.

Eve 7:07

They might not, right?

Allen 7:08

It's forcing it, definitely ain't gonna get it.

Eve 7:11

Nah.

Allen 7:11

It won't.

Eve 7:12

Y'all, but I don't understand why somebody will want to force it. Why would you want to force it? Like for me, why I don't know. I don't I don't like forcing anything. But let's get into a hot topic. Okay. A hot one.

Allen 7:28

Expect immediately respect and authority.

Eve 7:32

I think respect should be immediately. I think respect definitely should be immediate because you respecting your teachers, you respecting your other parents, you respecting your grandparents, you definitely gonna respect me. And that's just as simple as that. And uh and it should be a well, I didn't, I didn't, I'm not talking about the authority. I got that again. The authority goes with that. Again, a teacher has authority over you, right? Right, the daycare worker has authority over the child, so it's all of these other people that have authority, grandparents and everybody else, but you don't want the stepparent to have the authority. Where are they supposed to be? The child have authority, is it supposed to be flip-flop? The child has authority over them? Like, where's where does authority lie then?

Allen 8:15

But I do have a question. Okay, is it different? Which I know the answer, is it different? Because some people might wonder. Okay, is it different from dating in a marriage? Oh, yeah. Should they move quickly? Quick, should it be quick in marriage that this child called them mom or dad?

Eve 8:31

They should already be there for the most part by the time people are getting married. Y'all already built that relationship, that foundation in dating.

Allen 8:39

Right.

Eve 8:39

But what I don't think that people should think like is going horribly wrong while y'all are dating. If you think you getting married is gonna change something.

Allen 8:50

Well, I'm talking about the name, them calling on mom or dad.

Eve 8:52

Oh no, I don't think that that's mom or dad. No, I don't think that that should even be forced. I don't think that if the person if the child never calls you mom or dad, for me, I think that that's okay. I'm not sure what they'll call you, but again, just forcing that just seems I don't know.

Allen 9:09

I think some men have we seen on social media with like if I'm buying this, I'm paying for this, I think they should call me mom.

Eve 9:16

And I totally respect that, and I could totally understand that.

Allen 9:19

I mean they're not mom and dad. They should call me dad. They should call me, call me daddy.

Eve 9:23

I totally understand and respect that.

Allen 9:25

But what if the the parent is saying like um they have to talk this over with the other parent, other body?

Eve 9:32

I'm trying to understand why why are you no? I'm trying to understand why their opinion even matters about what's going on in your household.

Allen 9:39

Saying is it okay for add on more traditional what are we picking and choosing, what we going to that other parent to talk about?

Eve 9:47

Seriously. Because once you open that door talking about how do you feel about them calling mom or dad? Oh, I don't like that. Oh, you can't do that. So, what are you picking and choosing? Are we doing that with every decision that's made within our marriage and our household?

Allen 10:02

Okay, so I'm asking you one might be it should be handling in a way where No, it shouldn't be.

Eve 10:09

If a person is coming from a bitter place, from a jealousy type of mindset, why are we adding again? You're picking and choosing when to go to them because what if they feel like that in every situation? Combing their hair, doing nails, going to the movies. I'm just bringing up stuff that it could be. Are you gonna always go to the outside parent and say, is this okay? In a marriage, yes, of course, dating in a marriage. The answer is no for me. I don't so you think that I should have to call my ex-husband every time you and my children. Okay, well, I'm just asking.

Allen 10:48

For other people out there, they might want to we all don't have the same opinion. They might want to, thank Jesus. Thank you, no heaven father.

Eve 10:57

They might want to, and if that's their dynamic and it's not an issue, fine. If everybody is on board with that, that's cool because there is no problem. But trying to force that on your spouse and they see that's a problem for them. Like, no, I don't feel like I need to discuss every decision we make in our house.

Allen 11:17

We're talking about this decision on.

Eve 11:20

And I'm asking you, how do you and I'm asking you because I think name calling is up there.

Allen 11:24

Name calling a mom and dad, that's pretty up there on if you wanted to include No, I I don't think that that should be so.

Eve 11:33

That means if the if the child eventually develops that and wants to call the person mom or dad, now they feel like they cannot based off of the the other parent, that's a hindrance to the relationship, in my opinion. And again, I know you're saying we're talking about this one particular thing, but where is the line drawn for that?

Allen 11:52

With the most important things. Mom and dad is pretty important with name calling and giving people titles of that.

Eve 12:00

I don't think so.

Allen 12:01

What's above the title of mom and dad?

Eve 12:03

No, no, no. I'm not talking about the title, I'm saying that I don't see that as being again, if it's almost like giving that person a little bit too much control in your household. Because once you go to them and you ask them this and that, I feel like that again, it opens up a door, and now they feel like they can control other things in your household. So I get what you're saying. Oh, you should go to them and be able to ask them, but nah, you opened the door, and now they might have a problem with everything you do, or they might not, they might not have a problem with anything, they may not, but I'm having a pessimistic mindset about this. Like I'm on a pessimistic side, okay? Because reality is you want, we want to all think optimistic and be like, oh yeah, but let's look at the world. People, that's not what people are experiencing. Let's be in reality right now, okay? Let's not go to the one or two percent to say everything worked out fine for them, they were all perfectly good. No, let's look at reality of once you open that door and start asking that person, what you think about this? Can they do that? Can my spouse do that? Whose spouse is for real comfortable with that? Like, I gotta get permission from your ex-husband or ex-wife. You got me bit.

Allen 13:16

I'm I think it's just one thing. That's all I think. Just that one thing. I know I get it. You say, where do we pick them up?

Eve 13:22

And I want somebody to leave in the comment section if you think that asking them this one thing is just gonna be left at that. Heck no, it's not gonna be left at that.

Allen 13:33

I I thought we just have this, I think some people.

Eve 13:36

I could be totally wrong, but I'm strongly opinionated. A lot of stuff I say is just my opinion. I'm not saying that people should just go exactly with what I'm saying. I'm just strongly opinionated, you know. My opinion may change over time, you know.

Allen 13:49

Moving to the next part. Ubino, the child may never bond the way you hope.

Eve 13:55

Right.

Allen 13:56

Who you're having high hopes about the bonding situation. Um you're like, hey, I have as a significant other, I have maybe two boys, and my wife, yeah, me even my wife is coming in with a daughter. Okay, and I'm like, yeah, the daughter I never had, and I'm you know, trying to to bond, trying to open up. Go ahead, go ahead.

Eve 14:44

Because somebody might, the child might feel like I already have a dad, I don't want another one. Like some kids feel like that, and I feel like everybody should be at peace with that, right? That's okay if they don't want to bond with you.

Allen 14:55

Yeah, it's hurtful, it feels sad, but you're trying to be, you're trying to be positive, you're trying to have being hopeful of this situation because a lot of other blended families didn't work, but you're trying to think about your situation. It it might be good, you know. I'm praying to God and I'm hoping it might be, but I'm praying to God, and God is telling me and showing me that this is going to be a good thing. Some people might say that. Some people might say that that the bond may be strong and tight between us.

Eve 15:27

Okay.

Allen 15:28

It might.

Eve 15:29

It might be. I'm not saying it's not. But what I am saying is uh consider the fact that it may not be. Consider the we all seriously, we all for the most part, we all go into this blended family as optimistic. We want that relationship. We're working hard for the relationship. I said most of us, right?

Allen 15:48

Yeah, I'm sorry.

Eve 15:49

We coming into it, man, full throttle, doing all we can to make it work, make the other child feel welcome here, make them feel like you could come to me, or but reality is it's these outside entities that's gonna be involved, that's gonna have a say so. So that shapes how the child is responding to that bond.

Allen 16:13

But how does someone go about it if their child never wants the bond?

Eve 16:17

Be at peace with it and be okay. That's how you go about it. What else is there to do? You cannot force it.

Allen 16:24

No, no, definitely not. Okay, so be at peace with it. Forcing, but do I like we talked about in the last video? Do I just like only deal with my children? No, no, no. Because they set the tone, that child set the tone about I don't want a connection, I don't want a bond. Okay, so now I'm directing my attention to my own child, and that's fine.

Eve 16:47

That your attention should be on your own children.

Allen 16:49

But is that wrong from the parent? Is that wrong from the parent?

Eve 16:51

No, because why would that be wrong? Why would that be wrong when the child does not want to have a relationship with them? How is that wrong?

Allen 16:59

But maybe the child doesn't know, because the child doesn't comprehend everything. Is it up to the I agree with that?

Eve 17:10

No, no, it ain't no bigger person and all of that. If the child don't want to be bothered, you're not gonna keep pushing yourself off of no child talking about I'm the bigger person. Like, no. I think that if the child begins to warm up, be open to that, but trying to force that, no.

Allen 17:24

It doesn't have to be a force. We don't want to go to the that end the same force.

Eve 17:29

Yeah, but it would be force if you already said you don't want if somebody came to you and said, I don't want to be bothered with you.

Allen 17:35

We're talking about a child. We're talking about a child, we're talking about a child. They don't complicate.

Eve 17:42

Again, I just said leave it open then. You can leave it open for the child to come to you, but then what you're also leaving open is them picking and choosing when they want to come to you. Because it's people out there that's in a situation where I don't want to be bothered with you, but I can come to you and ask you for money. I don't want to be bothered with you, but I can just I'm talking about a child.

Allen 18:03

Oh, okay, okay. Yeah, I'm talking about a child. Inside voice, nothing.

Eve 18:07

Inside voice, nothing. You interrupted me and was wrong.

Allen 18:10

So inside voice.

Eve 18:13

Okay, okay, okay. Inside voice. What I'm saying is, when you leave that open, should you take abuse from the child in that point? Because as the child gets older, you can so you're saying the per the child should just be able to pick and choose when they no, let me say what I'm gonna say. You think that the pay the child should be able to pick and choose when they want to be bothered. We all going on vacation, you want to be bothered. Oh, I need a car, you want to be bothered, but when it's other things, they don't want to be bothered. That's not okay. That's a very unhealthy dynamic.

Allen 18:48

We'll look at it as you are the adult in this situation. Let's just constantly be. If they okay, if they never, cool, but cool, little by little, let's let's not just go to the end of.

Eve 19:02

Nobody said go to the end. I said leave it open. Okay, right. Leave it open to certain things. I'm not saying let the child pick.

Allen 19:11

Okay, let me uh explain.

Eve 19:12

Like what I'm saying is this if the child comes and says, uh, I wanna, do you want to go to the movies or you know, ask you a question? Oh, can you help me with my homework or something? Okay, that's a step. I'm helping you with your because this is remember, this is a child's mindset. I help you with your homework. Can we make ice cream together? Can you polish my nails or whatever the situation is? Can you, dad, you want to, or not dad, but you want to play basketball? Do you want to do sports? Can we go to a game together? Something like that. That's cool. That sounds like you're trying to bond, you trying to get to know me. But what I'm saying is it's not gonna be where you're allowing a child to dictate the relationship. That's not okay and healthy at all.

Allen 19:52

I mean, I get the point that you're coming from because you sometimes you do want to protect. I have been in a situation, you do want to protect your feelings because reaching out from the child. Yeah, with a child where you try to bond. Oh, okay, okay.

Eve 20:05

I know that.

Allen 20:05

And you're reaching out to the child, and you you find it's not my kid. Right, it's not your kid, previous relationship, but you're reaching out and you see a window of hope that you like play with the child, and that day went good. And then no, um play toys and play with toys, hang out together, like take that clip and go out with it. Nah, hang out, play with toys and whatever. Okay, then the next day you're like, I hate them, I don't like them, and and I get it. You can get your feelings hurt sometimes. It's not even about feelings at this point, but you but it can happen. That example can happen because you like bro, I thought we'd be like, but it's not even about, but it's not about fit, right?

Eve 20:45

So when you're dealing with a child, unstable emotions, why are you allowing the child to dictate? That's what I'm saying. You're saying one day they up, one day they want to be wild with you. Why do you have to go through that? I don't think that you should have to go through that to a certain extent. I'm not letting it, I'm gonna just speak for myself. I'm not letting a child dictate my relationship. It's either you want a relationship with me or you don't. If you choose that you don't, I can always be open to you wanting one. But at the same time, you're not gonna be in and out of my life because for me, I don't allow people to be in and out of my own children's lives or out of it's either you in my life or you out of my life, not just when you feel like it. So I'm just giving my opinion for me. Everybody else should do what works best for them. If they're comfortable with that, cool. Let a child dictate it. I'm okay with that if you're okay with that. Because I can hear you and then it phase out. Okay, you either want my mouth on it or uh like you need to pick and choose because you tell me don't go straight into it. So you know what I want. I'm trying to do what you ask me to do. But I mean, if people cool with letting kids dictate the the situation, I'm okay with that too. It just won't be me.

Allen 21:59

So what's your It but I'm getting understanding is either one end of the spectrum, either you should be involved with the kid or you shouldn't be involved with the kid. It just because it's if you're in the middle, it's gonna be a back and forth.

Eve 22:13

No, no, no, I'm not saying be in the middle. What I'm saying is if the child because you say we need to respect the kids, which I agree, if the child is saying I don't want to have a relationship with this person, respect that. But I'm saying leave room for that changing.

Allen 22:27

So that means they can bounce back and forth.

Eve 22:29

No, no, no, they can't bounce back and forth. But I'm not saying jump in, jump out. I'm saying leave room. If the child comes to you and say and begins to, and it's a consistency, not just one day, next day. I'm not saying that. It's a consistency. You left room for that to grow, and it's a consistent growth, not just it's a growth when you want it to be, and now you don't want it to be, but now you back in. That's not what I'm saying. It has to be some type of consistent growth.

Allen 22:59

All right, y'all.

Eve 23:00

Ladies and gentlemen, y'all heard what no no, we ain't here with your no no, we didn't hear yours.

Allen 23:06

I just I don't know.

Eve 23:07

I'm just yeah, I mean, say what yours is, please. We want to hear it.

Allen 23:12

No, that's that's it. I mean, I don't really have no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Eve 23:17

You're not gonna make me choose and then you don't. So which spectrum are you on? Where are you at with it? We're not gonna just listen to me give my opinion and then you don't have one. Like, no, no, no, no. Where are you at? Where are we at with it?

Allen 23:33

I I can only be on one side because I haven't been put through the situation where children was bouncing back and forth. A little bit I did, but that was that was a brief moment. Okay. So I can only be on the side with um with whatever situation that works for y'all. Um, you might have to be like, well, but what I'm saying, you might have to have a hard decision and step away from the child and be distant from the child.

Eve 23:56

Are you okay with the child dictating the relationship?

Allen 23:58

I just said step away from the child.

Eve 24:00

So you saying not you don't let the child dictate it.

Allen 24:05

No, you don't.

unknown 24:06

Oh, okay.

Allen 24:07

I was just putting a point of the. So wait a minute. You took me through a ringer of things when you agree with me. Oh, okay, say some people might wonder or saying certain things, like the child gotta be comfortable, right?

Eve 24:20

Well, my child gotta be comfortable, but they're comfortable only with certain things when it's beneficial to them, but when it's not beneficial to them where they feel like it's not, they don't want to be bothered.

Allen 24:28

No, because it's not that's not okay. Yeah, the bomb may never happen.

Eve 24:34

Yeah, I think the people should be at peace.

Allen 24:36

Be okay with just whatever it is, whatever. Yeah, you want to hang out with your your parent, your mom or dad, go hang out with that parent.

Eve 24:44

Right.

Allen 24:45

I would stay on the sideline. Hey, I have brief conversation with you, love you, care. You love from a door. But we're not, we're not gonna make a bond.

Eve 24:53

Right, right.

Allen 24:55

I see what it is, or you see from the beginning, you don't want that bond, and I'm gonna keep I'm gonna keep the same energy.

Eve 25:00

Right. Or you make the bond, but they telling the other parents, we've seen that happen. Right. They acting like they making a bond with you, everything is cool, and with the other parent, they telling the other parent they don't even like you, they don't want to be bothered, they don't like coming over because of you and all of this other stuff. Right. So if that happens to somebody, I would say step away completely because you're gonna find yourself in a messy situation. If the child, something is wrong with that child doing stuff like that, that that that is something wrong with that. Whatever is going on with why that child will feel like they need to do that, you need to step away and not be a part of that. You know, something is wrong with that.

Allen 25:39

Okay, ladies and gentlemen. We thank y'all so much for joining us. This is your child.

Eve 25:44

I ain't trying to say something wrong with them, but I'm saying something is wrong with the situation, and participating and listening to our podcast.

Allen 25:51

This is something else to think about in a blended family. That's right. What we talk about and bring up these topics. We want y'all to think about. We want y'all to think about and just consider this. All this could happen, or you could be putting your spouse through something that you know your child, your child pretty messed up, and they only want their parents. Let's just like just keep it at that. Just maybe y'all should stay and make it work, figure that out, or just be single by yourself and separate from everybody else and focus on that child.

Eve 26:18

Right.

Allen 26:19

Your child is gonna push somebody through the ringer. But we love y'all.

Eve 26:22

Or they put somebody through the ringer, or now you gotta step away from your child because what you said was what? God, marriage, children. So if you live by that principle, you will then have to distance yourself from your child if they cause any confusion in your marriage. So consider that.

Allen 26:39

We love y'all. We thank y'all so much for tuning in. This is the Aldi Podcast. Marriage is not a game.