Who Should Do the Housework? Stay-at-Home Mom vs. Working Dad

          Is staying at home a "24/7 cleaning contract" or a partnership?

In this episode of the Allen and Eve Podcast, we’re getting into the raw truth about housework, roles, and the resentment that builds when communication breaks down. Eve breaks down the perspective that if you "signed up" to stay home, the house is your domain. Meanwhile, Allen argues that no matter how many hours a husband works, he should always be a "champion" who chips in to support his wife.

We also share a recent "adventure" involving a broken washing machine and a trip to the laundromat that reminded us why doing things together as a couple—no matter how rocky—is what keeps a marriage moving forward.

In this video, we discuss:

• The "Infinite Shift": Why does the working dad get to "clock out" while the stay-at-home mom is still on the clock? 
• Mental vs. Physical Labor: Which is more draining—a 12-hour shift or the mental load of managing a household? 
• The Blueprint for Success: Why you need to sit down and actually define what "staying at home" means for your specific household.
• Avoiding the "Maid" Trap: How to stop your spouse from feeling like a servant rather than a partner.

Marriage is a challenge, but you don't have to navigate it alone. Whether you have one child or five, the goal is the same: Stay on the same page and keep communicating.

Transcript

Eve 0:00

If you signed up to stay at home, then you signed up to handle the house.

Allen 0:06

But did she sign up to do it by herself?

Eve 0:08

She signed up for that role. Like, that role is what it is. You're handling the house.

Allen 0:14

This is the video y'all need to watch. Alan Eve here to help you believe that marriage is not a game. Talk to him, girl. Uh I'm sorry, my bad. What up, though, everybody? Welcome to the Alan Eve podcast. Alan Eve Podcast, y'all. Howdy, I guess. Hello, Buttercup. How you doing? Hey, how you doing? How's today going for you? It's going well. It was definitely rocky for us, y'all. Definitely something of an adventure. Fir well, second time in a long time, we had to go to the laundromat and we had to do all that because our washing machine broke down. And now it was a journey in itself. But we did it together as a couple. And it was it wasn't bad.

Eve 1:08

No, it wasn't bad. We only did half the clothes, but yeah, no, because we do have somebody coming out to take a look at it tomorrow. So right. For some reason, people don't want to work on Sundays.

Allen 1:20

You said my stuff could be fixed, why not? Okay, come on. But you know, but let's get into this uh this important podcast, this important video. It is called Who Should Do the Housework? The stay-home mom versus the working dad. Who do y'all think? Now, my perspective is let's go to me unless you do you want to go first?

Eve 1:45

My perspective is I need to hear your respective perspective so I could just go against whatever you say. Whatever you're saying. Right, right. I'm just going against it. No, go ahead.

Allen 1:55

But this is a story. We are talking about, we're talking about uh they just got married. Newlyweds. They only have one child. The wife, the woman, say the woman, she agreed before they got married. She doesn't mind to be a stay-at-home mom, stay-at-home wife. She's okay with that position. The husband, the guy said, whatever, okay, that's fine. I could go out and I will work 12-hour shift, and everything should be fine. I work, you stay home. My thing is, my point is, it doesn't matter.

Eve 2:30

I feel like you're giving them too much attention. Like you're supposed to be talking to me. Oh, my bad play. Yeah, talking to me. Like you all in the nafite face. I don't know who looking back at you, like I need to do it. Yeah, look at me, look at me. Come on, we in this together.

Allen 2:45

Yeah, okay. Sorry, my bad, y'all. Block y'all out for a second. Then talk to my wife and why. Okay, my perspective is okay. You don't matter if you work 12, 14 hours, come home and help your help your wife out. I think that's the the duty of a marriage. Right.

Eve 3:02

Help out because somebody is stressed at home. Right, I do understand that, but um, my position in this video is going to be that if you signed up for it, then you know, that's your role, that's your duty. And maybe I think that people should outline what that entails, okay, you know, um, so that it's a better understanding of what the duties are. If you just say you stay at home and you're a stay-at-home mom, what does that even mean? It could mean it's different for everybody. What works for you? Because we, I don't know. You said somebody just had a baby. Maybe she's going through a little postpartum depression. I have no idea. She could be going through something. Maybe she needs a little bit of assistance at the beginning, you know. So I think that it's important to continue to have an open communication about what the duties are and what the expectations are, because I feel like if you all are on the same page, it gives little room for some type of disagreement.

Allen 3:59

Okay, let's let's let's talk about this point. Let's talk about the infinite ship. The husband can work 12 hours and get off, and he comes home in a little rest. But the wife is at home still working, still grinding, still have things to do. So, is that fair for the wife to still be at home and still clocking and she's still at still at work? I mean, he could clock out and rest and chill.

Eve 4:23

That is what she signed up for. I mean, I understand what you mean, but it it is what you signed up for. It is times where you're able to take a break and rest at home. It's not like you just run around the house just crazy and out of your mind. Like, because how much housework do you have with just a three-person household? I'm just asking. I mean, I understand this. I have five children. Right. So I know, you know, how challenging it can be with a certain number of people. But at the same time, if it's just you and a baby, you know, you have to, if you're not a, if you don't have good time management and you're not organized, maybe staying at home for you is not the best thing to do. If you get bored fast or if you don't find cleaning up to be therapeutic, maybe that's not what you should be doing.

Allen 5:11

Right. You know? Right. So they need to find a therapeutic. They need to be like, yeah, this is fine, yeah. Uh so okay, but still, it can look a little messed up that the maybe the person can look at the hours of okay, as soon as you get home, you're looking for me to cook, you're looking for me to maybe clean up after everything, and then you get to sit there and watch TV and relax. Why I feel a little frustrated that I have to run around, do this, and I'm still moving. Maybe I have 30 minutes here, hour here, but you have this en giant or okay. Why are we comparing? At this point, why are we gonna do it? It can't compare and start. Okay, that's good.

Eve 6:02

But I'm asking, why are you comparing? Because again, this is what you signed up for. It's not just the the man said, oh, stay at home. You asked to stay at home. You said that this is what you wanted to do. You begged for this, basically, you know. So um it's gonna be sometimes just like when you're out at work, you may not want to be there. You want to just be at home and sitting down doing nothing. If you are the type of person that gets bored easy or get distracted easily or are lazy, let's be honest, because laziness can take over at times. And if you're at home, you just laying around doing nothing and then trying to rush because the person is almost off work, you ain't did nothing. Okay. So now you feel overwhelmed and rushed because you did not again organize and plan out your day. It's different things that you can look into. You are at home, so find out other ways to make it easier on yourself. You can meal prep. It's only, it's only two of y'all. Y'all got a baby, you know. The baby just drinking the milk at this point or eating some baby food, you know. Right. So, what I'm saying is you have to do a little bit more research before you just start looking at the other person and saying, You should be helping me around here. Again, it needs to be some type of outline, and I'm not saying somebody should do it all themselves, but in a three-person household, I believe that they should just be doing it. Everything, but sometimes well, I said to a certain extent, you know what I mean? Like it just depends on the circumstance, and yeah, it depends on the circumstance, right? A fresh newborn baby, you only getting two or three hours to sleep. You we all understand that it should be a team effort at that point. Y'all both need to suffer, you know. Y'all, y'all both suffering at that point, really.

Allen 7:55

She has to handle that. That's part of the description of a stay-at-home mom. If that's what they want to do, you want that job. Because some people don't, I I don't, you know, you like, okay, like I should be able to do this by myself. Right? If they signed up for a stay-at-home mom, stay-at-home wife.

Eve 8:14

But that's what I'm saying. What are everybody needs to sit down and what is a stay-at-home mom to you? Because it may be different to me, you know. My stay-at-home mom might just be, yeah, I have you a little dinner, but the the laundry might not get done this week. I don't know. I'm just bringing like making something up. Maybe you want everything to be nice and tidy and perfect for you. But to me, it's like I am going to do laundry on Wednesdays and you are looking at me like, what have you been doing all day? Because it's a basket full of clothes over there on Tuesday. So if you are nitpicking and you're trying to figure out what the person has been doing, or they're looking at you like you should be helping them, it's just all about teamwork at that at that point. If you're worrying about what you are supposed to be doing, I think everything will go well. But as soon as you start trying to point out somebody else and what they're not doing and not acknowledging what they are doing, that is what becomes the issue. If you need some help, I think that communicating that is good.

Allen 9:16

Even though they communicate, the the husband's gonna say, like, well, I was work, I was at work all day, and this is part of your job description, too. Okay, so what are we talking about?

Eve 9:28

Help with what? What are we talking about?

Allen 9:30

Everything, not just the kid, I'm talking about the housework, cleaning up, cooking, laundry, everything.

Eve 9:37

I mean, my question would be, why isn't it done though? Right? They do need to have that discussion on what did you do on the day? What are you doing with your day? Maybe let's have a conversation so I can help you um with some organizational or time management because maybe you're just okay. Let's get to something.

Allen 9:56

Which one is worse? Physical labor or the mental or emotional drain. Which one would somebody say, I have the worst position in this mirror?

Eve 10:07

Somebody working that's like mentally, mentally, when you are mentally going through something, that takes a toll physically as well.

Allen 10:16

Okay, then so the stay-at-home mom would have the a lot of people.

Eve 10:19

I don't think somebody that's going through something mental mental should be just staying at home. I mean, in a depression. No, I'm just saying, I'm not even trying to be bundling.

Allen 10:32

Juggling the kid, juggling the house, juggling everything going on in the home.

Eve 10:37

Okay, so if you're feeling overwhelmed, again, maybe this may not be the role for you. It's always an option to do something different, find a daycare, a loved one, or something if it's not working out to where you're able to stay at home and have a sound mind.

Allen 10:53

Right, I agree. I believe that one is worse than the physical labor of going to work. That's what my position is. Like the physical labor of the husband going to work, doing all that. Of course, it can be draining, but being at home with the child and and I know something like all you're doing is clean up and cooking and da da, but constantly doing that and constantly figuring out the thing.

Eve 11:13

That's all you're doing, is cooking and cleaning and washing, right?

Allen 11:16

And then it's like it takes a toll on you to constantly go over that and do it. So it's like, uh, I'm drained, I need some help, I need some rest. I need a you get to go outside the house and see people or whatever, or get the get some fresh air or whatever the case might be. Yes, it's at work and it's straight, stressful, but I'm still at the house. That person could be at the house 24-7. So I feel like, yeah, that person, I know they don't want to do it coming after work, but yeah, you need the help and chip in your wife or and and the reason why you say that is because you did that.

Eve 11:52

You know, I was a stay-at-home mom, and even before I like went through that sickness, right? It was, I don't know, like you're staying at home and you're doing the same repetitive things. And of course, we have five children, so that's like I was mentally gone for I was mentally gone. Well, I'm talking about people shouldn't be doing it. I'm talking about myself, okay? But you know, it does take a mental toll because you feel like you want to do more. Maybe you're not contributing, and maybe you all are getting into arguments about finances because it's only one person working, if that's the case. I'm not sure. I'm just bringing that up. So if it's, I think that it's okay to revisit this. Is this the best, you know, position for the mom? If you are dissatisfied with this, maybe even try getting a part-time job. Maybe see, you know, doing something else or getting a hobby or something. I don't know. But, you know, I do think the person, the husband, should help if the wife is in need of that help. I do believe that he should. Um, but some won't.

Allen 12:58

Right.

Eve 12:58

You know, and I just feel like people just need to do what works best for them.

Allen 13:04

But they said it. You're right. They they she said that's the whole point. She said she wanted to be a stay on.

Eve 13:10

She exactly. Right. She said that, but sometimes we all, I'm sure we all have experienced something like that. We said we wanted something, we got it, and maybe that's not what we really wanted. So we just again have to have some grace and mercy on just trying to um explore different things, and maybe this wasn't what I wanted. It shouldn't just be like you signed up for this, that's it, that's what you're gonna be. You know, it it should always be an option to let's do something different if it does not work for the mental health of my wife, right? Yeah, yeah.

Allen 13:44

Yeah, I think then the husband as the leader should always chip in and at least do something. At least like I don't know, why wash the dishes? Like it's hard to come home and just wash dishes.

Eve 13:56

I mean, I mean you don't have to probably do the laundry, but maybe laziness kicked in, like maybe you just exhausted, depending on what type of 12-hour shift you work. I mean, you're a truck driver, so you drive and you sitting. What if somebody has manual work for 12 hours standing on their feet? Like nobody wants to come home and continue to stand on their feet or they back hurt, they feet hurt, or something. I mean, that can be aggravating and irritating.

Allen 14:20

But the person at home is okay.

Eve 14:23

I understand. We can't, okay, I understand that. But what I'm saying is it has to be a little give and take there. It has to be some compromise, and it shouldn't just be one person always having to compromise something. The other person, you can't get comfortable with just, well, I know he's gonna do it, so now this person ain't even making the effort. Seriously, it can get like that. You could get comfortable with them coming home and just doing it anyway, and now you feel like they're gonna do it, so I don't have to. And that's where people sometimes get to that point.

Allen 14:53

It can lead to a really resentment and emotional distance because it seems like I'm the only one. They feel like they have a hierarchy, but just because they're bringing money to the table. And um, that made a person can feel like yeah, some somebody could feel it.

Eve 15:09

I feel mixed about it, and that's why I always say, like, do what works best for you, but communicate throughout the process because that's what's gonna help you get through it. If you said that you wanted to do it and now you're doing it and it's not working out, and this is not something that you feel like you can do. I don't think that the person should just suffer in silence because they wanted to try it, you know.

Allen 15:34

That is true, but I hope that it don't ruin people's marriages because this sounds like it would. It sounds like this would tear people apart and then would no longer be connected because it seems like I'm your servant more than your partner.

Eve 15:52

But again, why would it start feeling like that if you wanted to do this? Why would you then? I'm just saying, but why would you then put that on your partner like they are doing this to you when you chose to do this? Like it's a difference with somebody just saying, I need a wife who's just gonna stay at home and do, and that's what their expectation is. But if you came to the husband and said, I want to do this, this is please give me the chance or whatever, and now you're displeased, and now you blame him, talking about why you're not helping me when this is something you wanted to do.

Allen 16:27

That's so can they just come up with uh maybe like a schedule? Maybe on Monday you do the dishes, Tuesday you do the laundry, right? Something we could break down.

Eve 16:37

That's what I said from the beginning. Right, we could you need to have what that means to stay at home. What does that even mean? It's gonna look different for everybody. There's no one set of rules of what it looks like, make it work for you because somebody can eventually be like, okay, I want to go back to work.

Allen 16:52

And that husband, like, uh I don't want to work, I don't want to do no housework. I think you stay at home.

Eve 16:57

No, and then that might put a uh Okay, but you can't you out here just trying to make somebody stay at home. Like you come stay at home, then like no. I'll just say that can ruin somebody's marriage. I know anything can though, and the thing is, is it's just so easy for people to give up or get irritated when you move on, it's gonna be something with the next person, right? Like marriage is a challenge, no matter who you're with, if that makes sense, right? Some more than a challenge than others, but a challenge. You're gonna go through something together as a couple, and it's about working through it together, communicating. If you feeling displeased or uncomfortable or overwhelmed, communicate it. Don't communicate it through your action. You sitting there and they gotta come in and ask, like, what's wrong? You like ain't nothing wrong when you know something wrong with you, and now you taking it out on them, saying that you you know, like it's this is ridiculous. We need to get our emotions in check and start communicating. And if you need help with communicating, go to therapy or go take some classes or something, I don't know. But do something other than putting yourself in suffering and your spouse is in suffering. Y'all both suffering from your lack of communication.

Allen 18:17

So, yeah, I think y'all really need to uh think about this before getting married, or y'all starting off newlywed. Understand, do I want to be a stay-at-home wife, mother, whatever you want to call it? And is my husband going to be okay with chipping in? I think he should. Y'all really need to be on the same page with this because that's gonna steer y'all down the wrong path. And resentment, uh, emotional distance from each other. You could be thinking this, but not speaking this out to your spouse, saying, uh, you're taking me for granted, all this other stuff to tear y'all apart, man. God's willing, y'all need to really stick together and have a strong communication on how you're feeling and what your thought process is in a stay-home mom. Because it could be, you might, oh, that'd be the best thing if I could stay home and do the don't have to go to work, and my husband make a lot of you know, make good money, everything should work out. You don't know. After that, yeah, I got one kid, it's a little rocky. After two or three, are you gonna be okay with staying home?

Eve 19:21

That's a lot of work.

Allen 19:22

Oof. And is your husband ever gonna feel like chipping in? Is he ever gonna feel like he needs to do something?

Eve 19:29

Or make a list of things again, communicate what it means for you all to have a stay-at-home mom agreement. Right. Um, you know, write it down. I'm not saying like it gotta be a contract set in stone, but I'm saying write down the duty so you know, he know, y'all are both in an agreement on what you know it's going to be so you don't put that extra strain and stress on the marriage over something that could have just been communicated.

Allen 19:56

Man, if y'all can too, um, for our YouTubers and people watching on YouTube, comment and let's let us know how it worked out for y'all household type of structure, household hacks that that you was a stay-at-home and your husband went to work and y'all found a way to communicate, let it work, and the process worked for y'all. Please comment down below and let us know.

Eve 20:22

Well, well, before we go though, I do want to mention like what our situation was when I was a stay-at-home mom. Okay. And um, I didn't, we never wrote down anything. The only reason why I'm suggesting that is so that, you know, um maybe some people need that. Right. We didn't think to do that. That's you know, maybe it's a wise thing to do to write it down and modify it when it needs to be modified. But um, I just want to shout you out and just say I appreciate you didn't put any pressure on me if I didn't have this type of dinner cooked, or maybe the clothes set there and didn't get washed that day, and I waited to the next day, or you just came home and did it, like you didn't put that extra pressure on me as to why you why is this not done, you know.

Allen 21:07

Right.

Eve 21:07

Okay, but that's it.

Allen 21:09

Oh, we thank y'all for tuning in, for watching, or listening. We love y'all. We appreciate if you stayed this long for the to the hour.

Eve 21:17

I'll never be looking at y'all, I'm sorry.

Allen 21:22

We love y'all. We appreciate y'all again. Thank you. Tune in, subscribe to our YouTube channel, listen to, download our podcast, or wherever you receive the podcast or you're listening from.

Eve 21:33

Okay.

Allen 21:33

Shout out to y'all. We love y'all. Peace.

Eve 21:36

We do love y'all. We thank you all for watching. Talk to you soon.

Allen 21:40

Bye bye.

Eve 21:41

Marriage is not a game.