Does Adultery MEAN Automatic Divorce? (Our Honest Conversation About Cheating)

          Is a Christian marriage automatically over after the very first instance of infidelity? When the sacred vows are broken, is packing your bags the only scriptural response, or does grace demand a harder path? 💔

In this episode, we are diving deep into a heartbreaking marital crisis we stumbled across on Reddit. A devastated wife discovered her husband's infidelity, but instead of finding repentance, she was met with gaslighting—her husband turned the blame back on her, making her feel like she was the one destroying the marriage. When she turned to the internet for advice, the comment section gave her one loud, unanimous ultimatum: pack your bags, get an automatic divorce, and walk away.

This Reddit thread sparked a massive, incredibly raw debate between the two of us right here in the studio. We face the hardest questions head-on: Is cheating an automatic, first-time dealbreaker? If it happened to us, would we stay and fight to rebuild the trust, or would we walk out the door?

Join the Conversation

We don't entirely agree on this one, and we want to know where you stand. If you are listening on Spotify, use the Q&A feature below to leave your thoughts. If you are listening on Apple Podcasts, leave us a review and tell us your perspective!

📌 Connect with Us & Support the Show:

• If this honest conversation brought value to your life or your marriage, please Leave a 5-Star Rating and Review on your favorite podcast app! It helps other couples find these tough conversations.
• Share this episode with a friend, a spouse, or someone who needs to hear this raw breakdown today.

Disclaimer: We are not licensed marriage counselors or pastors; we are a husband and wife having real, unfiltered conversations about faith, relationships, and the hard realities of keeping a covenant alive.

Transcript

Eve 0:00

As Christians, the Bible permits us to divorce if someone commits adultery. But does that mean we should?

Allen 0:09

First time offense. Is that automatically a deal break? Or is this the chance to give grace?

Eve 0:15

I don't know, Nutty. Let's go ahead and flip the boards and see where we stand.

Allen 0:19

Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Alan Eve here to help you believe that marriage is not a game. Talk to him, girl. What up, though, everybody? Welcome to the Alan Eve podcast. Okay. Thank y'all for joining us. We appreciate y'all. Appreciate y'all so much. Stopping by, Alicast. Give it up for my incredible wife. Beautiful. Fine. And her glory. Looking good, girl.

SPEAKER_01 0:56

Thank you, Gabriel.

Allen 0:57

E aka Buttercup. AKA sugar butter.

Eve 1:02

Okay, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I appreciate you.

SPEAKER_01 1:07

Okay, okay. What's wrong with you?

Allen 1:09

Let's get into this topic. Okay. Talking about, hey, what are we talking about? Does adultery all mean? And I'll mess up. I mess up. Messing up. Okay, run it back. Does adultery mean automatically divorce? Let's get into it. We're gonna turn over our board and give y'all our answer. There we go. What do we think? Does it automatically mean divorce? One, two, three. BAM! It doesn't. There we go. There we go.

Eve 1:48

Oh, and just to let y'all know, I'm taking this stance because he said no, I said yes. So some of the things that we saying don't apply to everybody, okay? We just giving out situations. I mean, we're just talking about a situation or a circumstance that may have happened or will happen to somebody, but then that doesn't mean that you gotta take what we say is law. Like nobody is we just having a conversation.

Allen 2:13

No, definitely having a conversation. And it's talking about the first time offense. Let's break it down. The first offense, not second, third, fourth. We all can agree. Yes, that's a problem. Seriously. First time? Your first time. Now let's back up. You know, let's get into this conversation because this is very interesting.

Eve 2:33

It shouldn't be happening at all. I'ma just start off like that. That should not be happening at all. Okay? You already knew what it was supposed to be. And if you didn't know what marriage was and the covenant, you know, and you didn't really care about that covenant that you was making before God, I could understand that that's where you are. But for us Christians who's getting into marriage, we understand we're calling ourselves Christian because I know I call myself a Christian. I was like, yeah, I'm Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ. You know what I'm saying? Uh uh-uh-oh. But I was totally out of line when it came to what his word is regarding marriage. And when people step into marriage without even knowing God's word and his rules and regulations concerning it, yeah, then yeah, it's gonna be a messy situation.

Allen 3:18

Oh wee. But let me break down. Hold on, hold on, hold on, but it got on, hold on. Let's step back. Let me give a reason why I came up with this. Because like always, I'm scrolling through uh Reddit sometimes, just looking, you know, just seeking what's out there, you know. Come across a post from a wife talking about her husband who ended up uh cheating, having an adultery. And then she was explaining about their sexual intimacy that happened, infidelity. Just wrap it up like that. In to me, intimacy, whatever, right? Okay. I don't know either. But um, yeah, she was breaking down that and she was trying to engage. I she didn't explain everything, what happened, how mad she was. She didn't go into that, and I don't even know if that's the first time, but we're breaking it down in our video about the first time of fent. And she was saying through the whole post that he stopped engaging with her, touching her, kissing her, or engaging any type of intimacy.

Eve 4:19

I need to know more information because did she gain weight? Did she let herself go? Like, what is the situation? Because some of that stuff does matter, but I'm not using that as an excuse to say somebody is permitted to just go cheat because you gain weight or you lazy. You know, that's just totally not, you know, see why the person or you know, have a conversation with them and see, you know, where they at. Maybe you can help them in some way.

Allen 4:43

The other reason, too, breaking it down is after reading that, I start scrolling through the comments like everybody does, looking through the comments, and I see a bunch of people saying, girl, get out of there, get you a divorce, leave. And everything somebody put in a post, yeah, it could sound very one-sided. We don't know the whole story of everything that's going on in the situation, right? But uh our situation that we're talking about, let's break it down when the first time offense, and they're both Christian, and they both believe in God and Jesus Christ, and they're dealing with this situation as adultery, somebody broke the vibe.

Eve 5:22

But my problem is that people wait until in the marriage to try to figure out what they supposed to be doing in the marriage. I mean, we did it too. I'm just saying, like, this is what we do. We get married, we think it's cute, we think we're gonna make it, we think we different, and we're not gonna go through the trials and tribulations because that's not what we focus on. Oh, we so focused on, oh, we in love, everybody is us against the world, and all this other type stuff. Where did they even come up with that? Because most people in their marriage is against each other. It ain't no, oh, us against the world. They are against one another. Okay, and that's totally off of topic, but I'm just saying.

Allen 5:55

But let me give you my point. When I thought reading that, I said, no, no, no, no, you shouldn't get a divorce. Okay, where is the the uh having grace, forgiving somebody 70 times 70, especially if this person is having a repentance heart. Now, if they don't, still. We still should seek God's.

Eve 6:17

What was the point of you saying all of that? What for you to say if they don't steal? It's like you steal. Yeah, both of them.

Allen 6:23

Yeah, I think I think we should still focus on giving the person grace. I mean, we should. I say to a certain extent, yeah, yeah, to a certain extent, but we don't know how God is gonna change this thing.

Eve 6:35

Well, for people like me, I'm not waiting on God to change nobody because at the end of the day, it's somebody's choice, it's their choice. God didn't, yeah, He's giving us grace, grace, grace, grace, grace. Apparently, this person is using it as a way to sin. And no, no, no, using it as an excuse. I don't want to hear it. That's wrong. Adultery, if you have committed adultery in the past, right? And you know this is something you struggle with, you like different women, you like different men, keep that real with that person because at that point in your life, you are not wifey or hubby material. Just just understand where you are, except where you are. You might be out here thatiana in it, but still trying to portray a family and all of that. You trying to know that's just doing too much. Because once you will end up in a divorce, if you come into a marriage without knowing who God is and what he has called for marriage, because the first little trials of tribulate trial or tribulation that come gonna destroy you. It's gonna destroy your marriage. You you don't you're not standing on the strong foundation. When I say that, most people don't even know what I'm talking about. Who is the strong foundation?

Allen 7:46

People don't even know that as a Christian, but the first time, somebody make a mistake one time and you just like go leave. Now I get it. If it's something follow, that is a little bit hard. They don't want to engage in.

Eve 8:01

But you can, but you can. I'm not saying you sh well, my answer would be yes, but what I'm saying is if that person chooses to do to get the divorce, not go through counseling, I can't be mad at that person. It does not say in the Bible you need to go through all of this counseling before you get a me or get a divorce if the person committed adultery. But just understand that if you get a divorce, you're supposed to remain single or reconcile with that person.

Allen 8:30

That's just you should, but the the the premise of the Bible and dealing with mirroring, God will want y'all to reconcile, get back together, work on finding and seeking Him instead of just running off and be like, forget this, they made a mistake, they broke my trust. You're saying that trust can't be regained?

Eve 8:48

Yeah, but most people I am not saying that. Right. What I'm saying is most people are not willing to do what it takes to get to the point where the trust is regained, built stronger than what it was from the first time that it was broken. People are not staying around, sticking around for that process. That's the issue. Soon as they see something that don't look right or they feel some type of way, and it's totally fleshy what they see in. You seeing all fleshy stuff, you're not connected to the spirit of God at all to give the grace. How you gonna give some grace when something is wrong? Oh you would never turn around like that. Oh, girl. Can you stop playing?

Allen 9:26

Okay, I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_01 9:28

I'm sitting here trying to be serious. I'm trying to give this my bad. That's on me. That's on me. That's on me. It's always on you. That's on me. That's only on me. Go ahead, go ahead. I'm sorry.

Eve 9:39

No, I don't know. But go ahead.

Allen 9:41

No, um, I I just feel bad for somebody who made a just one time mistake. They wasn't thinking right. The devil has got into it.

Eve 9:50

Okay, well, uh, you giving a little bit too much grace.

Allen 9:54

I have to be optimistic.

Eve 9:55

Okay, you can be optimistic. I'll be the pessimistic one like I already I'm always the pessimistic one in the conversation because at the end of the day, we all could be optimistic. Everybody is working. Okay, if we was all right, it's good that we all optimistic, but look at the divorce rates. Okay, so yeah, ooh, we all optimistic, but people still getting divorces. People still come into it like, oh, we can make it, we can do it. And then when it's time to actually put in the hard work to build your marriage up, you know where to be found. You in the arms of somebody else. That's not an excuse to sit here and say, oh, somebody made a mistake. It's a lot of steps you gotta go through to cheat sexually adultery, it's a lot of steps, it's a lot of come on now, like you're not just committing this against me, you doing what you're doing against God at the end of the day. Because I'm his daughter, you his son. So if we committing these things against one another, you might as well say you committing it against God. Okay, that's how serious this is.

Allen 10:50

Okay, now if y'all, if y'all agree with my wife, drop a like button, drop the hit the like button. If y'all agree with me, write a comment. Say amen, brother. I'm right there with you. Something like that. Ah something like that.

Eve 11:03

Other people, other people that's gonna be agreeing with you, y'all gonna hang on in there.

Allen 11:10

We can make it, we can't do it. Hang on in there, but you the one cheated, yeah. Right, hang in there with all the adultery. First, it just breaks my heart. First time, then let's somebody make a mistake, just a mistake. I know this is one of the big mistakes of adultery, and it shouldn't happen. No, but what if it never happened again? Just that one time.

Eve 11:27

Okay, well, again, again, you could say all of this, you could say all of this in regards to the person, but you should already have that thought process. Sometimes it is too late for some people. At the end of the day, they have the right to divorce and be by themselves. I pray that people, when they do divorce, maybe they can come back together. But at the end of the day, I'm not sitting here saying, Yeah, accept the adultery and just believe that God is gonna change their heart. You already came into a believing their heart was changed. This don't have nothing to do with God. We love to put God on God is the one that's strengthening somebody. No, it's also the person's choice. I could pray until I'm blue in the face. If you are a cheater, you are a cheater. And if you are not ready to be delivered, set free, and be holy and sanctified and washed, that's on you. I'm not, I'm not waiting around for you to get to that point. If you want to live your life and be out here for the streets and then still talking about, oh, well, our covenant. You don't care about our covenant. You know what I mean? I want to give grace, I want to give that mercy, I want to give that love, but okay, I'm gonna have to separate from you because some people get hands-on and they get mad enough to put their hands on you. I can't, no judgment here with that, because some people can that you don't play with nobody's life like that. You would be intimate with them, being intimate with somebody they don't know if you bringing them back a disease. This is not a game, nobody is playing with you. Okay.

Allen 12:54

Well, we're not talking about continuously, we talking about just one time.

Eve 12:58

No, no, no, you trying to make the one, you trying to throw the one time in there. Like that's again, like I said, if people want to sit here and forgive somebody for sexually cheating on them, that's their business. But at the end of the day, if you take the person back, if you take the person back, all I'm saying is don't sit here and complain, don't sit here and complain and cry after you've already had that conversation of okay, we're gonna move forward. I'm not saying you can't still continue to have the conversation because the conversation might come up 10, 20, 30 times. The thing is, is that person that cheated gonna be willing to continuously hear what they did? They should. We gotta go. They should, but that don't mean that they will. That's what I'm saying. You try to be a little too optimistic. People are not willing to do these things. Nobody cares about the Christian principles. Most Christians, including myself, at one point in my life, didn't even know what the principles were. So let's just be honest. People don't know, they don't have morals and values of the kingdom. They don't have that. They have worldly things that they've just taken upon themselves to say, you know, like this cool, but you don't really know God like that. Get to know God, get to know his word. We all gonna continue to sin. I'm not saying that. But it's just certain things where that self-control comes in, and it's, you know, that's the fruit of the spirit. You need to bear that continuously every day in your marriage. If you don't have self-control, you shouldn't be getting a marriage. It ain't no one time. I don't, I'm not telling somebody to just accept that. If you believe that this, you made a mistake, you married the wrong person. I'm not encouraging divorce. I hate divorce. But what I'm it is permitted. That's what I'm gonna just leave it there. It's permitted. If somebody wanna do it, if they don't want to deal with a cheater, if they don't want to go through that, this is just who you are. Because we know it's some people that's just like that. So are you gonna wait to see which person they are? The true Christian that's walking that life, or are you waiting on them to get to that place where they're a true Christian walking that life?

SPEAKER_01 15:12

Right.

Eve 15:13

Don't complain on the journey if you're going with them. If you forgave them, don't complain. Because it might be another slip up with something. Because we all see it. It might be another slip up. I don't know.

Allen 15:25

Or it might not be. Like I said earlier, one time offense. And it was never, it was never like commanded in the Bible that y'all should get a divorce. After one time, somebody could use that. It's commanded. I could up and leave. No, it's not commanded.

Eve 15:40

Well, it's not commanded, but it's permitted.

Allen 15:42

So yes, it is, it is, but it's never was it like a command that it should be done.

Eve 15:48

It wasn't a command to stay either. So no, it's not that that it left the decision up to that person specific situation. Because I'm not telling nobody to stay with no cheater. They cheating on you. You tomorrow, oh, God gonna fix it all. No, it's some things that us as people, we need to do in the marriage. We're not just only relying on God when we're not putting in no work ourselves.

Allen 16:10

But I'm not on the side.

Eve 16:11

No, we're not putting that on the city.

Allen 16:12

I want to make make clear. I'm not on the side of the cheater. I'm on the side of keeping the covenant, holding, holding dear to the covenant. No, I'm not, I'm not on the side of the cheater. I'm not at all. I just want to hold hold on to the covenant. Even if the person has to go to marriage, boot camp. Let's get it right, let's get it tight. That's y'all have to form together the uh back to the normal. Y'all have to work back to this marriage and and and build the foundation back on trust and see again.

Eve 16:42

I believe is the person going to be willing to put in that work? The person that cheated, are they gonna be willing to put that work in? Probably not.

Allen 16:49

For those people they are. So if those people I said, probably not, but those people who truly Christian and truly people are not doing the work. But those truly, there's those truly foundation in Jesus Christ will do that. They will have to women go back to that wall.

Eve 17:05

Maybe they married the wrong person the first time. It's not always right. God is making them stay in this because no. What if God told them don't do it? What if he was giving them signs don't to don't be with this person because this person is not of me, they will never change. That is also a scenario out here that is happening.

Allen 17:24

But you remember in the book of Hosea.

Eve 17:27

Okay, I understand about the prostitution, right, right.

Allen 17:29

And I do understand, and God told him to take to buy his wife back.

Eve 17:34

And he also said, God did also say that we are supposed to, like you said, forgive seven times 70, be reconciled to our spouse if we divorce. You're supposed to be with that one person. That's what we're supposed to do. But reality is us living in this world today, and the you know, our sinful nature. We we all mess up. I still mess up daily. I'm like worst of the worst, I believe. You know what I mean? In my thought process, right?

SPEAKER_01 18:03

You silly.

Eve 18:04

What are you doing?

Allen 18:06

I just I mean, I just feel so inspired by the story of Hosea that it's just like, how many Christians really went through a hardship when it says for better or worse? What else is worse than infidelity? That is the top tier of worse situation, for better or worse. We're supposed to stick to it. Well, it's probably right. It's probably go ahead. But that's top up there, but that's up there with you, right? The better of a worse, we're saying this stuff, what does it mean? Just end up getting divorced regardless, saying it or not? Just saying these vows. They mean nothing at this point. We could just automatically just be honest with you, cut to cut ties and go our separate ways in divorce.

Eve 18:46

And we're trying to promote marriage, we you know, want the divorce rate to go down. But at the end of the day, the scenario is did you marry the right person on this journey that's going to be with you throughout the trials and tribulations? That's what, because y'all could look cute together, but if y'all can't sustain uh you all's household under the fiery darts that's coming, if you're not putting up that shield of faith, if you don't have on the own the whole armor of God on a daily basis, if you're not praying or fasting or doing whatever you need to do in that season, then no.

Allen 19:20

Maybe they married the right person. Maybe.

Eve 19:22

Yeah, but I said if they didn't. Right. You didn't marry the first the right person the first time. No, no, no, no, no. You didn't.

Allen 19:28

No, no, no, no.

Eve 19:29

You did not marry the birth the right person the first time, and neither did I.

Allen 19:33

So what I'm saying is But that doesn't hinder my my position on it. Yes, I made a mistake and married the it might it might not hinder your position, but you were already divorced.

Eve 19:43

So like you could try to stand strong now.

SPEAKER_01 19:46

You could be like, I know what to do, this is the same thing.

Allen 19:50

Back then I wasn't a uh a true Christian, reading the principles in the Bible and being inspired, inspired by some of these stories and seeing that people can make it work in their marriage, but they choose not to.

SPEAKER_03 20:02

Right.

Allen 20:02

We're how can we say we're Christians and we don't even believe in that God can make this work? Even the worst of the worst situations. We've seen the worst and terrible situations that some of the prophets had to go through.

Eve 20:13

Right, you know, the olden days, but not in marriage.

Allen 20:18

No, not in marriage, but he still saved them and he was still right there. Right. He was still still right there talking to them, praying and getting them through those situations, right? Even though our Christian work is gonna be different, difficult. It's not just outside the marriage, is what's gonna be difficult. A lot of our tests and trials are gonna be inside our mirror, and we're gonna have to battle and get through. We don't know. Somebody, oh y'all people out there, we don't know. You might go through an infidelity just one time. How would you handle it?

Eve 20:45

I just want y'all to know that if Alan cheat on me one time, I'm out of there. It ain't no, oh Lord, save me. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Because I'm too, I'm worth too much to God and to myself to just accept that. Like I get what you're saying, but I'm not that big of a Christian then. I'm gonna be honest with you, because it must be levels, because I cannot sit here and lie to these people and say, I'm gonna stick beside him if he starts cheating, y'all. No.

Allen 21:12

That's nigga, no. That's what put me in the mind.

Eve 21:15

Leave that out, do whatever you need to do. Nigga, no.

Allen 21:18

That's what put me in the mindset of. I have a great wife. And nothing in this world, no matter what they throw at me, what they try to give me, is gonna turn my head and cheat on my wife. And she's gonna be like, get back, get back.

SPEAKER_01 21:36

We both gonna be getting beat up. Get back, get back to you.

Eve 21:39

I'm just playing.

SPEAKER_01 21:40

Get off me, son.

Allen 21:42

Get off me.

Eve 21:42

Well, I appreciate you, but I just want you to know if you cheat on me, I'm gone.

Allen 21:46

Hey not.

Eve 21:47

So you saying if I cheat on you, you still gonna be here?

Allen 21:50

If you cheat?

Eve 21:51

Yeah, if I cheat.

Allen 21:54

Yes. Oh, well. Hey y'all, hit me up with my nearly. I'll just play, I'll just play it. We are going to work through this. I'm playing way too much. It's not going to be easy getting back. I'm not going to be just like, okay, everything's fine. Let's get through this. Yeah. No. We're going to have to work through some.

Eve 22:10

But I feel like until you actually have been through that, how can you truly say what you will do?

Allen 22:18

I have to live by what the Bible is telling me how to do it.

Eve 22:21

Thank you for just repeating yourself. That didn't answer my question. I'm letting you know.

Allen 22:24

I have to live by I have to live on the principles and everything from the Bible. Okay. And how am I supposed to be as a Christian? How is people, how are people supposed to believe that you are a Christian and you believe this stuff in the Bible? If it's not demonstrating it from our marriage. Of course. That is the biggest thing people can see from action, not me just saying it. If anything happened, it'd be like, okay, Brody doing it because he's a Christian, he's trying to work through it. Second time, third time, okay. Yeah. We're separating, we're working through something because we have to figure something out. But I'm trusting in God. If he's telling me you're my wife, and this is the person you pick for me. No matter what the hiccup is, the hindrance, the problem, the situation, I know you as a person, I'ma stick. I gotta say, I'ma stick beside her. I gotta say because it's the only thing stuck in my head. I'ma stick beside her. That's my girl. But we just gotta have to work through it. Marriages can work. Marriages can like like the marriage is not the problem. It's the individuals that's causing the headache for people not to like marriages. We can make this work. I just believe wholeheartedly this so much.

Eve 23:40

Well that's all uh that was a good speech and everything. I appreciate no no no, I'm serious. Like, I appreciate what you said, and because I'm a submissive wife, I'm gonna just go with what you're saying.

Allen 23:52

I appreciate y'all.

Eve 23:53

What I'm saying is seriously though, because you are speaking from a point of what God, I'm probably speaking from pettiness and childishness. You know what I mean? Like, I wouldn't be prepared for that situation at all. I wouldn't be prepared for that. I would probably go to jail, I'll probably stab you or something. I don't know. I don't I wouldn't want to, I would not want to, but what I'm saying is it might put somebody in a mental break type of situation. You don't know what will happen to a person, right?

SPEAKER_01 24:20

You know what I mean?

Eve 24:22

You don't know what will happen to a person mentally, right? That is a horrible situation to be put in, to be getting cheated on, and y'all stood before God, you a pastor, you some leader in the church, and you out here still struggling with lust issues. You need to address that. You need to be open and honest about what you did, even in front of the congregation, too. If you up on the pulpit.

Allen 24:44

Right, you're a pastor, right. You know, that's what I'm saying. If any troubles in your marriage where you're cheating and you're breaking your vows as a pastor, you should be saying something to your congregation. Everybody should know.

Eve 24:56

You know, and sitting down. Maybe not the whole details of everything. Not detail, no, but at least letting them know okay, I have committed a sin that requires me to step down from my position right now. Excuse me, because a lot of times we all just stay up and we steady talking, talking, talking. God trying to get our attention of you leading my people in the wrong way, but you won't sit down and close your mouth, whether you're a man or a woman, you won't sit down and close your mouth because you still feel like, oh, God telling me I gotta get up, I gotta keep talking. I hear this, and you're not even testing the spirit by the spirit. You don't even know the spirit of God for real. Because you just going by instinct and you're just hearing something. You you're not even testing the God's word, you're not even looking at the word of God to see if it lines up. You just saying something because you're so anointed, right?

Allen 25:43

Anointed.

Eve 25:47

But a lot of stuff we talk about is from experience from me. I went through a lot of spiritual stuff where I was like very religious and everything, just getting to know me a little bit, just being open and honest. I'm okay with it. I'm good because I'm glad that God freed and delivered me. And I'm hoping he free and delivered those people out there from any type of uh adultery. Okay, we're gonna come against that right now in the name of Jesus. That you would just confess, not just to your spouse, to God, you know, and really get yourself together and self-reflect and figure out what's going on with you that makes you want to uh commit sin against God in your first ministry.

Allen 26:25

Hey y'all, I'm sorry, we're gonna have to wrap this up. This is a little longer than usual. Yeah, but it was getting good. Always. I love talking to you, bro. I love having these conversations. This sit down, having tough conversations about marriage relationship as a Christian. Man, this makes me feel great. I I love these moments. You are so special. Ah, you silly. Well, y'all, we love y'all. We appreciate y'all so much. Stay tuned in. We will see y'all in the next video.

Eve 26:57

Marriage is not a game.