Why a Sex Fast Might Be Exactly What Your Relationship Needs. (Completely Changed Our Marriage!)

           Hey everybody!  In this episode, I am getting completely raw and transparent with you about a major turning point in my marriage: the day I realized we needed to go on a 40-day fast from sex. I’m breaking down the serious problems we were facing early on, from my own struggles with body changes and self-entitlement to how I had to deep dive, pray, and completely break free from a heavy porn addiction.

          I want to share the lightbulb moment God gave me when I finally stopped worrying about my own needs and started focusing on how to be a real helper to my queen. We’re talking about the mental load our wives carry with the kids, the house, and the bills, and how lifting that weight changes the entire dynamic of your relationship. If you’re ready to learn what it truly means to be a selfless spiritual leader and build a foundation that can last a lifetime, let's get right into it—because marriage is definitely not a game.

Transcript

Allen 0:00

God told me to tell my wife, like, yo, we should go on the fast from sex. Really, I wasn't really worried about being intimate with my wife, and that was great. Alan Eve here to help you believe that marriage is not a game. Talk to him, girl. I'm your host, Brother Al. Let's get into this topic. Car. Me and my wife has a fast from sex for 40 days. And yes, this was this is my idea, y'all. I'm just breaking down and saying this was the brother's idea. Yes, it sounds foolish and crazy, but I was just having serious problems in our mirrors. Let me break it down. Let me paint this picture and go back. You know? I am a Christian. Follow Jesus Christ. I didn't really know him like that before my wife, but when we got together, I started to know him a lot better in reading my Bible. Um, when we was dating, we was out of God's covenant. We wasn't doing it right. Of course, we had sex before marriage. Wasn't trying to, but um, lust and we let things happen and um wasn't being smart about it or cautious or really seeking him like we should have been, or having counseling around us, tell us and talk to them and have spiritual leaders around us. That would have helped a lot better. But um, never forget it. First day we did it, Thanksgiving. Amazing, I might add. But um, so we started carrying on, you know, in the flow of, you know, being casual with it. And we didn't build our foundation just on sex. Trust me, it wasn't like that was built on friendship, and then sex started creeping up in there. So, um, let me let me get to the the point. Um, so wife ended up getting pregnant. I already knew before we started talking when I first met her that I wanted to get married to her. Understand that. I knew the first day I was gonna marry her. When I first, the day I lay eyes, or the second day we met when we were kids. Uh that's the story for another day, the second day. But the first time, I mean, second time I seen her when we were adults, I knew I was gonna marry her. But um, let's get to the point. Um, so fast forward, you know, had a baby, had a child. Now we finally moved in the house, we got married. Things was progressing a little bit. I mean, after a pregnancy, that can mess up the hormones and the body fellas. Really check that out and really understand. Because one moment it could be great having sex all the time, then another moment it could change because her body and the hormones they're shifting, they're all over the place. I I'm still trying to figure it out. It's a lot, it's a lot to the the body, the female's bodies, but um it was just this one day after pregnancy, after things was building up, and we would have sex sometimes, then a little by little, and I'm thinking, yo, we used to have it all the time when we was dating. Like, what is the problem now? I'm just so confused. Oh, sorry. I'm so confused, I just don't understand why is this slowing down now. Do I I started being self-conscious? Do I look funny? Like, does she not find me attractive? I I don't understand. Like, yo, like I thought I had a sexy body. I thought it was just all about looks. And if you think that way, you will miss the whole concept of why your wife finds you attractive. Yes, it could be looks, but that's not everything. So I remember one time we went to this hotel, we went out of town, you know, she was kept talking it up and say we was going get on down for the get down. So uh I was excited, and then next moment we got there later that night, had a good time that day, and then it's just like build up and build up, and then time came and she didn't want to do it. And I I held a grudge against her. So if you listen, Buttercup, I did. I held a grudge against my wife. She didn't want to have sex with me, and she promised, no, I'm saying promise, like I'm low-kid promise, but she said we was gonna do it that night, and then ended up getting tired or not feeling well, and I was pissed. If you see, now I'm starting to develop like this self-entitlement about I'm your husband, you're supposed to have sex with me. Your body is not your own. You know, I'm the head of the house, I'm the leader. You're supposed to have sex with me. What is wrong with you? Like, what is the problem? Like, we had sex before, why are we not having sex now? And um again, again, after that day, start struggling with it more. You know, she kept blowing me off, didn't want to we do it more, and then like it would go like weeks. I mean, we would start having like serious problems in our second week of marriage, and then um, like my wife, she was kind of confused about it. She didn't really understand what was going over either. And she would give me hints about spending time with her. She would tell me, um, but I was trying to be busy doing everything and working and providing, and you think in your mind as a husband, hey, we're we're so focused on, like, bro, I want to have enough money to survive, want to have enough money to get to my wife, get to my kid, and build this lavish lifestyle for her so I could spoil her. Like, I need more money. Like, we just focus on working, working, working, and not spending enough time with your wife. You can she can start feeling neglect. And that's a big problem that will play into intimacy. But um, I don't know what what happened. It was one day, God just put in my spirit, like, and we was doing fast, it was fast for food, we fasting other stuff, you know, doing like that and getting close to God, reading his word, yada yada yada. I didn't understand, like, okay. And I'm just feeling like this build-up, like before, you know, I would had, you know, before I started dating, I just had to like, oh, I gotta have sex. I want to have sex with girls. I do, we can talk about this later, but now I was heavy in porn, big porn addiction, crazy. For my wife, she told me that I was cheating, so I had to really deep dive, pray, and just get a real get rid of that fast from porn. Um, and really have an understanding how this is um, have a negative negative feeling in my life. But today, God told me to tell my wife, like, yo, we should go on the fast from sex. And crazy enough, I believe, this is my story. My wife's gonna tell a little. I believe she was, she wasn't like really, she's like, okay, like she didn't seem like up for it. Like, well, nope, I'm sorry, she was up for it. But um, she's like, So what are you thinking? Like, two weeks, um, a month. And I said, you know what? I don't know, it just popped in my spirit, it's like 40 days. Let's try a 40-day fast and no sex. And truthfully, she wasn't really like up for it like that, but she was like, I don't know, you sure? And I'm like, yeah, let's try. What's the worst that can happen? So we went in and did it. Crazy enough, like, and we started reading the Bible too. We start reading the Bible, getting closer to God, you know, not really like engaging it into, of course, we kiss and hug and do all that stuff, and you know, still flirt, you know, somewhat flirt with her. I I didn't understand that. True, if you're not really focused on thinking about sex, your your sentence, your sentence are sent, excuse me, uh, your senses are heightened. Hope I'm saying that right. Um, in marriage-wise. So if you're not focused, oh man, I keep hitting it, not focusing on sex, okay, get my mind off, focus on other spiritual things. Um, my wife, she's beautiful and gorgeous, and looking at her and understanding how you feel, or trying that whole talking to her and communication and listening, and really like, yo, what is bothering you? What is what is, you know, what do we need to pray for? What do we need to do to help our marriage? And when I start focusing on that, it was just like a lifting, a lift. Um mean I realized like thinking about sex really. I wasn't really worried about being intimate with my wife, and that was crazy, man. But then I started finding day two, day three, and four, my wife was like, she was like, like, really like, okay, I think I'm about to struggle now. I think I'm about to like I really want to engage with you. And I'm thinking, like, that's kind of crazy. Like, before, nothing. Now we're talking about fasting or doing fasting. Now you want to tell me now, like, girl, what is wrong with you? Like, but what it got started showing me is how you are attentive, being attentive, being paying attention, paying attention to these other areas in your wife's life where she's really want, you know, if it it it you know turns on when you spend time with you, when you listen, when you talk, when y'all engage, when y'all, just all this other stuff. And I'm just like a light bulb went off like poof, like, oh snap. I thought sex was just really about me like showing her my body, looking at my face, and just like, you know what I'm saying? Like touching her and just like getting it on. And it doesn't work like that with women. Maybe small percentage, but not many, it's set up in that manner where you could just like hop in a bed and rub on it, and like it's ready to go. But they like that whole foreplay, but more of um man, my mind is dry in a blank, and I know when I edit this, I'm gonna think like, oh yeah, that's the word. But um they like like especially, and it could go down to think of sex could decrease when you have children. Think about that. Because if you're working, when she's working, oh, you gotta think about work. Stress from work, stress from kids, stress from cleaning, and all this other stuff. And she had if she has to put that on her plate, and you're taking, okay, let's do a pie. She's taking um 70% of the work of that load, and you're doing 30% of the housework with the children, you think she's gonna be intimate with you? You think she's gonna want to have sex with you after dealing with the kids, cleaning, cooking, laundry, all this other stuff, and then want to be in the mood to be with you. No. So I learned that. Okay, what if I take some of this stuff off our hands? So she can be, you know, when we were dating, it wasn't this much problems between a marriage and all this stress and all this worry, especially if y'all got bills. All this is not gonna put nobody in the mood to have sex with you. So you need to think as a husband, spiritual leader, how can I be a helper to my wife and and um sure that I have her back. And that's not all I'm thinking about is just sex and just you know, making her do everything while when you know, when I'm ready, I'll just want to have sex with you anytime. Like, no, no, no. So, okay, I started praying to God and asked her, like, yo, heighten my senses, senses, senses of awareness in my own marriage, heighten it for me so I can realize what is going on and where my wife needs help at and where I can have most uh a greater impact. Shift that dynamic. And I'm not just doing it just to be intimate, but I'm doing it just to have a solid foundation in our marriage, a healthy relation that I want to be closer with my wife. I want her to feel that I have her back and I'm there for her in this marriage. Not do not do it um only for the outcome just to have sex with someone, just to be intimate. That is manipulative, manipulative, damn, manipulation when you do that. And then now you count down two weeks and nothing changed. It don't matter how many days, just like it doesn't matter how many days you should be able to do this for a lifetime, being to cater to your wife and being there for her. This is what this 40 days has just enlightened me to do more and better. Stop worrying about sex. And once I stop worrying about having sex with my wife, how many days and it it it started, it it started increased. And you're not, and once it that happens, you're not worried about the weeks or the month that goes by when it's nothing, because she could get sick, she could have an illness where y'all can't, and now you're not thinking in the bed like I'm never getting on, and it's unfair as a husband. I should always get it, my boys get it. Stop it and grow up. You need to be worried about other stuff. Sex is all the way down there. What you need to be worried about. It's a whole bunch of lists of things as a spiritual leader. You need to be worried about before we get to sex or intimacy with your spouse. You of course, it will be great to have it every day. It'll be fantastic. Uh uh I don't know. I can't do it twice, three times. I ain't uh hey hey, count me out. I ain't I I I'm in my mid-30s. I ain't there now, I ain't I ain't got it like that no more. You know what I'm saying? Just like, but as a spiritual leader, being aware of what love is, how I'm supposed to be patient for my queen. This is God's daughter I'm taking care of. And all I'm thinking about, my needs, my needs go last compared to my um, compared to we my needs will go last compared to my wife's. Selfless in our marriage is what our as a leader we need to um in the we need to man, I can't think of my wife. I'm getting tongue-tied today. Man, spiritual leaders need to model. Good, model as selfishness, selfless, sacrificing for the marriage and for God. I don't even worry about if my wife brings it up, great, if she in the mood, great. But all I'm worrying about is flirting, taking care of my wife, being there for her, loving on her, being the best friend I can be, sacrificing time for her, cuddling with her, and just and just don't, hey, I don't even like she can get it. Of course, I look at it like girl, you can get it today, right now, anytime when you want it. Don't play with me. Now, don't don't don't play with a boy. You know what I'm saying? Right, right on it. But seriously, all I do is focus on where am I lacking at and where do I need to improve? If the sex will come, it comes. If I have to wait a year, then so be it. If I have to wait five or ten years, so be. Who said you might what it's not in law that you should give every day or every month? What if you go, what I'll say, what if you go 10 years without sex? What if you go 10 years without sex in your marriage? Is that just automatically divorced and you're out of there? What if after that it's like a marathon of y'all catching up on having sex with each other? Marathon, just do, do, do, do, do, do, do, boom. After that, maybe y'all had to go through a breakthrough had to happen. Maybe I don't know. You don't know unless you just don't even worry about worry about being the best husband you can be. That's it. That's our job, and what we need to do is being there for our queen, our sister, Christ, our God's daughter. Just that. It works, bro. It works for me. I'm not saying that like it's not, it's working for me. And I know it will work for somebody else. Flat out.

unknown 17:58

Bam.

Allen 18:03

What am I at? 18 minutes. Hey. Um, yeah, that's it. Um, that's all for this uh podcast. I love y'all. I pray for you guys to have more understanding in your marriage. I pray for the people out there that's thinking about getting married, that's engaged, that you have a better understanding of what you're getting into. If you can't sacrifice on an ultimate level, then don't do it. If you're gonna figure out you're gonna get mad or frustrated with your spouse or your significant other, and you're ready to leave, don't do it. If you're not in it for, if you're not in it to win it, get out. If you're not in it for the long haul, get out. I was made for this. I always wanted to be a husband. I always wanted to be the be uh a spouse to somebody else. I am a lifer. I'm in this for life with this woman. That God bless me with. If you can't do that, bounce and get out. Don't waste nobody's time. Don't act like you can, don't pretend, just leave. Save everybody the pain and heartache. I'm not going to sugarcoat, play around with anybody playing around with marriage or talking about marriage. If you're not serious, bruh, get out. Stop wasting. I just don't people wasting too much time now. Y'all wasting too much time. Wasting way too much time. Talking, y'all want to be married, think about me. But I'm young, but marriage is not a game.