The First Look vs. The Second Look: Drawing the Line in Marriage

            Hey everybody! How you doing? Welcome back to the podcast! Today, we are diving deep into a topic that a lot of couples try to avoid, but we're putting it all on the table: the first look versus the second look, and where we draw the line in marriage.

We’re getting completely real about temptation, boundaries, and how our pasts can affect how we navigate our relationships today. Allen opens up about his past struggles with lust and how staying grounded in the Word helps him protect our marriage covenant. We also break down the difference between being a friendly person who loves to uplift others and crossing the line into flirting or lustful intent. It all comes down to trust, honesty, and making sure you aren't leaving any open doors for the enemy to work inside your relationship. Grab your spouse or your favorite beverage, and let’s digest this together!

Transcript

Eve 0:00

You can speak to somebody. You can compliment the opposite sex and say, hey, your beard looks nice. Hey, how you doing today? You look good today. You smell good today. I don't understand how that automatically puts you with wanting to sleep with the person. Alan Eve here to help you believe that marriage is not a game.

Allen 0:15

Talk to him. What up though, everybody? Welcome to the Alna Eve podcast, everybody. I'm your host, Brother Al. And over there, my beautiful wife, gorgeous fine vanilla nest. Jesus, thank you. Is Eve? Hey y'all, how y'all doing? Buttercup.

Eve 0:37

Hey y'all, how y'all doing?

Allen 0:38

Sounds alone.

Eve 0:40

Hey y'all, how y'all doing? Is that better for you? Okay.

Allen 0:44

Throw it up, throw it up. Let them let them let them hear your voice. I appreciate you. Right. Talk, talk girl. Okay. Let's get into it. We're talking to married Christians. Or you want to have this, you want to think about this before getting married. It's a very important topic. Listen, let's die net. Let's diagnose or digest. I'm sorry. I'm looking for some type of D word.

Eve 1:21

I was about to tell you who got some diseases then, like diagnosis.

Allen 1:25

Let's diagnose. Let's digest. Okay. This conversation is called the first look versus the second look, drawing the line in marriage. Okay.

Eve 1:40

You got some people that's like you shouldn't be looking at all. But reality is we shouldn't walk around with our heads like our faces down, eyes down, looking at the floor because you can't look at nobody. It's a lot of attractive people. God has created so many beautiful people on this earth. And if look, I will compliment you. If you're looking good, you smelling good or something. Man, woman, I'm gonna compliment you because there's nothing wrong with that. I don't want you sexually, okay? I don't have a lust problem. For people who have lust problems, maybe you shouldn't be looking at all.

Allen 2:17

You know what I mean?

Eve 2:18

But what you think about it?

Allen 2:20

Coming from a husband perspective. Now, in the past I struggled with porn. I struggle with a lot of different things, lust in my previous lifestyle, before me and you enter this covenant together. I talked about this plenty of times in other videos. So, with that in my background and everything going on, with so much different lust issue, I make sure that I don't do anything that caused me to stumble or cause anything to go against what God's word says. Right. Because what God's word says, if we go to Matthew 5, 27 through 29, ESP, you have heard that it was said, you shall not commit adultery. That's in the um Ten Commandments. Okay. It's in the Ten Commandments, but but Jesus was trying to point out a little uh uh He wasn't trying, he said what he said Well he said what he said, okay. But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

Eve 3:36

That's deep. Come on, Jesus. You know he always listened y'all.

Allen 3:40

Listen to that. I don't know why we get so excited about the word. Like you heard that listen to this, brother. If your right eye caused you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. For it's better that you lose one of your members than your whole body be thrown into hell.

Eve 4:01

So deep and powerful.

Allen 4:03

Yes, it is. So for me, like my wife said, I don't walk around with my head tucked down.

Eve 4:09

Or your eyes to the ground when we cut it.

Allen 4:10

Because there's nothing wrong with the first look. Okay, nothing wrong. Seeing people out there in the world looking.

Eve 4:19

Okay.

Allen 4:20

Caught a glimpse of somebody. Okay. Nothing wrong with that. But if I see a woman, attractive woman, and in my mind, I saw it. Okay, wow, what was that? Let me check it out again. But in my heart, I'm saying, wow, she's gorgeous. Look at her body. Let me look. That's in your heart, that's what you say. You have to be careful with your heart. Your heart is deceitful. So if your heart becomes your heart like that, what you mean? No, no, no, no, brother Alan. Brother Allen, if you got some secrets you need to be telling us. I'm letting you know. I'm trying to break down to them. First look, it's not a problem. Second, look, this is what could happen.

Eve 4:59

Okay.

Allen 4:59

And if I know that could happen, it's a possibility. I'm going to just like, okay, nope. Don't need to look at it again.

Eve 5:07

And why put yourself in that position to fall into that temptation if you know you struggle with that type of right?

Allen 5:14

So being a Christian, knowing this word, because you have people in the world, they like to cherry pick. No, no, no. They like to throw out little sayings so they can trip you up and you could be lusting at the one. And nothing wrong with it. There's nothing wrong with looking at it, just women. You you can't look. Oh, you too tired down in your marriage. Oh, your girl, your wife run you, huh? You can't even look. Stuff they they're gonna say to a man.

Eve 5:40

You could look but don't touch something like that. Look but don't touch her.

Allen 5:45

Nothing wrong with looking. Even if your wife tells you that, I will break down and say to her, Hey, I struggle in this area. You might not know how it is to be a man to be in this. Like a the he can the enemy can use that. He sees one little spot, one little gap, or anything in your marriage, use that. So I don't want to be giving him any room to work inside my marriage because I know I don't want to disappoint God and I don't want to disappoint you in this covenant.

Eve 6:15

I appreciate that.

Allen 6:16

I don't play with the second look.

Eve 6:17

Yeah, yeah. Uh I look two or three times and everything because I think that we have such a right a foundation with us, and no, lust has never been my struggle. And it was so funny because when I say that to you, what is what you say when when I always say, like, you okay with me talking to different men? And like we in the store and I'm complimenting somebody, or I just get into a conversation with some random person in the store. I do it all the time. I mean, that's just me, you know what I mean? Right, compliment somebody, or just older people, whoever, you know. And you always say, you not worried. Why are you not worried about me?

Allen 6:57

Because another thing, too, in our marriage, we spent that's what I'm doing. I'm I'm done, I'm done, I'm done. You ain't answered my question. What was my question? You said, Why don't I worry about you looking at the guy? Cheating anything, okay, because we spent that time in the beginning. No, that ain't what you say to me. Wait, come on.

Eve 7:18

That's not what you say to me. You say because you barely can get so you're not worried about somebody else. Okay, okay, okay, why don't I that's what I was trying to get to, but you like we was all good.

Allen 7:32

Right, because you barely let me get okay. She wants she wants okay. You want me to say it like that? I barely get so I want you to say it like that.

Eve 7:40

That's what joke you said it off camera, so I'm trying to get you to say it on camera.

Allen 7:44

Okay, it on camera. Hey y'all, she barely Steven is barely getting song. I know they ain't getting they ain't gonna use it. I know our everything in our system, I know her, so I know they ain't getting uh you know you ain't about to get no, but all jokes style. Let me stop playing. Let me stop. Let me stop, let y'all understand the reason why, because I understand my wife. I appreciate I understand your your um your foundation you is in Christ and in the word of God, right? And I know I've been with a not say a lot of relationships, but I've been in enough relationships to understand when I could test somebody's spirit and know they got the little free spirit, right? They have a free spirit, and uh no, thank you, no thank you. So I know you and I have we have those times where we we connect, and I know you don't struggle with that. I know you're not out here busting it open and trying to be with this guy, that by oh, he's cute. Let me talk that.

Eve 8:46

But but I want to point out that there are other people out there with the same personality, just a friendly person, not too friendly, where they out here just hugging and kissing people friendly. We're not going to the whole left with it, but we're just saying you can speak to somebody, you can compliment the opposite sex and say, Hey, your beard look nice. Hey, how you doing today? You look good today, you smell good today. I don't understand how that automatically puts you with wanting to sleep with the person. I don't understand how the world works and how that whole, but that's not gonna stop me from again shining and being polite, nice, and giving a compliment to somebody. Now, if you had an issue with it, which you never have, you've never came to me and said, you know, but I don't like you talking to other men. You need to keep your mouth closed. And you never said that to me because again, maybe we've always had that security in our relationship where you know I'm loyal. I you've never I haven't given you a reason to treat me that way or make those type of statements, you know. So I just want to point out it is some people out there that are friendly without being freaky friendly.

Allen 9:49

Exactly. It is women out there, men out there, but the world, like we're supposed to be like, it's it's crazy with Christians as we read the Bible and we know how we're supposed to act towards each other, or how we're supposed to act in the world, but sometimes you get indoctored with the world and culture so much that you be like, they they're acting like a Christian, but I see this as something else. I see this as they could be cheating or kind of flirting a little bit, but they're a nice person, they're cool, they they just being friendly.

Eve 10:26

So, my question is this because when a woman is complimenting another woman, or they just say, Hey, girl, oh, you look so pretty and beautiful. And so a woman can say it to another woman, compliment her, but it's the issue when she even mentioned a nice haircut or nice smell of cologne, or you have a nice smile, you have a nice beard. I don't think that anything is wrong with you, don't know what somebody, what words somebody need, even if it's just a compliment or hey, how you doing? Good morning. Some people don't even want you saying good morning to people.

Allen 10:56

Yeah, that's troubling, you know. Y'all need to be watch out for that. That's very troubling. If you're talking to somebody and they don't want you to talk to the opposite sex about anything, like what? Right again, and that sounds very unhealthy.

Eve 11:10

That does not sound like you're in a healthy space with your spouse to not want them to communicate or you want them to be rude or mean to somebody else, and you need to check yourself as a Christian if you're comfortable with your spouse. You know, a lot of times, because we've done it before, where you're out and you can talk about somebody else or in their relationship, talk about their relationship or how they look together, or whatever the situation is when your own relationship is not well put together because you all didn't do the work. You too busy talking and laughing about somebody else's relationship. So if you want to put in a work and really have a longevity in your marriage, or if you're in a relationship and you're dating and you want longevity and get to marriage, then you really need to hone in to yourself, be self-aware of the things that you need to change and not always pointing out something that your spouse needs to change, but you also need to be aware of how your spouse feels. And you know, I went totally off with that. What are we talking about? I'm sorry, yeah. I'm sorry.

Allen 12:09

Let me go. Oh, yeah.

Eve 12:10

I am like a little goldfish. I'm sorry.

Allen 12:12

Okay, we'll what you said was perfect, fine, and it was great.

Eve 12:17

I'm sorry, I'm trying to stay on topic. No, it's okay. He's doing great.

Allen 12:21

I like it. Okay, I appreciate it. Talk your talk. Say what you gotta say to them, huh? Say what you gotta say, girl. Let them know.

Eve 12:28

I was just trying to tell them, you know what I mean? Like they're my sisters and my brothers, you know.

Allen 12:32

They they love it. Hey, y'all, again, we appreciate y'all. We love y'all, we honor y'all. No, we don't honor y'all, sorry.

Eve 12:40

Yeah, we do. We can give honor to other people, right?

Allen 12:43

We know we we appreciate this. Is the part where if y'all love what we're talking about in this conversation, hit a like button, yeah, subscribe. Hey, even download. I see y'all downloading the the the the the podcast, and we appreciate it. We love these downloads. We understand somebody liking us, somebody definitely liking them. But I'll get back to the the um the conversation. I'm sure. Oh, that was it.

Eve 13:10

Oh, I thought we were wrapping up. Oh, okay. That was just okay, yeah, intermittent. We throwing our own ads in here, like what's going on? Like, we're skip ass this part, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But um, yeah, you go ahead because I I can't remember what we're talking about.

Allen 13:24

Okay, yeah, I know how we do when you when I start talking, you're like, all right, I got it, I got it. Okay. So as a husband, let me break down again what I do because I don't want to fall in this trap. I read and study the Bible, I listen to it, and I know this is what God's word and a lot of wisdom in it. So if it's telling me to do that, I don't care what culture it wants to indoctrine me or tell me and show me that this is okay. God explained to me this is not okay to look at another woman if I'm married. I can't do that. I don't care what she's wearing, I'm gonna look the other way. I I remember when we first started dating, he was like, hey, uh um look at her butt, look at her butt. And um I was like, you know what, thinking to myself, like, you know what, that continuing to do that is gonna cause me to constantly look at women, and I don't want to do that. I don't want to look at my sisters, and I look at y'all, a lot of y'all like my sisters, like unattractive, not looking at y'all like like sisters in Christ. I don't, you know, sisters, mommas and aunties in Christ. Right. Nobody trying to look at y'all like that's why I have routines or things I do. I make sure I look at you, I acknowledge you. I um people call it worship, I don't care what they say, but I acknowledge the love I have for you, and I make sure that I express that constantly because if I can't, I can't do it to them. I reserve all that love and that attention for you. Right, I appreciate it. I might as well do it, give you some of that. Right.

Eve 15:03

Some of it, I get all of it. I'm sorry, a little bit too much sometimes. Sometimes I get overwhelmed by the time.

Allen 15:07

I get all of it to you, and none of them to them. Because I know if it's gonna cost me the sin, I need to cut it off. I need to tear it out of my life. My young brothers out there, if you're struggling with lust, talk to a spiritual leader. If they're not giving you good wisdom or they sound a little whirly, find somebody else to have a conversation about or what you're struggling with and get it under control before you get married. Because you're gonna find yourself trying to look when your wife is not around, or when she is around, and you're getting real bold when she is around and you trying to peep and look, and then you find yourself going into trying to look at magazines, video, and it's gonna constantly escalate to something else. What is it gonna escalate to? Probably cheating. And is that smart or um adultery? And is that smart? No. That just seems like that's the only way it's gonna go to adultery. Do you have something to do?

Eve 16:06

I was just gonna say, right, um, right. I agree with you for those who struggle with lust or anything like that. You should probably stay away from any type of double looking at someone or connecting eyes and all of that, trying to get an eye connection. Y'all think you should stay away from all of that. Um, but for people who are friendly and and they don't have the issue of lust, I would tell their spouse to, you know, give a little grace there just because you may or you may know someone who struggles with lust, or because everybody you can't you can't even have a conversation or is flirting with the opposite sex nowadays. And I think that that's so unfortunate because we can learn so much and we can also evangelize just in our conversations without being religious, you know. But if we can't even have conversations and it's always disrespectful to our marriage, if you're talking to the opposite sex, then you need to think to yourself, are you all the way fulfilling God's purpose in your life where you have some restrictions and limitations on who you can show the fruit of the spirit to?

Allen 17:11

Right, because we're supposed to be fellowshipping.

Eve 17:13

Exactly.

Allen 17:13

So how can we fellowship? And two, another thing I listen to my wife, if she's telling me the woman that you're conversating with, something don't sound right, something sounds weird with this conversation. She seems like maybe she has the lust spirit or something, or um something off, right? What is the other spirit called Jezebel's spirit? All right, I will listen to you. I'm not gonna say, no, I'm taking it my own way, I think everything's fine. No, my wife is telling me something is up with this. And we're gonna end this conversation, but right, we don't have a problem with talking to the opposite set. I definitely don't have a problem with my wife talking to the opposite set. I trust you a thousand percent. I know you ain't out there second looking at people like nah, that ain't true. No, that ain't that that's not true.

Eve 17:59

I'm borderline asexual, yeah. Stila right there.

Allen 18:02

That's not true. So I'm we drawing lines in our mirrors, and we're not playing about our mirror. We do not play about our mirror, and this is one of the rules. So no go, we're not playing, we're not just being comfortable when the Bible tells us how to go about it, right? So actually, it seems like to the men it should be some watch out, definitely watch out on that whole looking and lusting at somebody else.

Eve 18:33

Yeah, I just think that you should just stay away from it completely. Honestly, I mean that's the safest route. You don't want to look, then look again and catch your, you know, your wife catching you looking again, and now you looking stupid. You know what I mean? Right. Um, and and be honest. If you took a second look, you need to be honest. That's a part of it because don't nobody I seen you do it, and now you still lie, like that's not that makes me feel like you do other things behind my back because you can't even be honest in my face, right? You know, so yeah, maybe a little honesty would be better. I don't know. I feel like I just got irritated for somebody that experienced that. Like for real. Like, why would you do something like that? Let's hurry up and wrap this up. If I have a flashbone on somebody.

Allen 19:22

So, is there anything you want to add? Anything you want to know?

Eve 19:25

No, it's not. Oh, I do want I do want to mention when you talked about the Jezebel spirit, because I know some people are like, what is the Jezebel spirit? We're just talking about the characteristics of who Jezebel was and her character in the Bible and applying it to other people's characteristics here and the things that they're motivated or influenced by. So I just wanted to clear that up.

Allen 19:45

That was great. Thank you. But we appreciate y'all. We love y'all. Y'all know what it is. Alan and Eve can help you believe.

Eve 19:53

Marriage is not a game.