Stop Judging What You Don't Understand in Someone Else's Marriage

          Hey everybody! How are you doing? Welcome back to the show! Today, we are diving deep into a topic that so many couples and singles struggle with: why you should stop judging what you don't understand in someone else's marriage.

It is so easy to catch a quick glimpse of how another couple interacts, misread the situation, and jump to conclusions. But the truth is, every single marriage develops its own unique language, rhythm, boundaries, and level of grace. What looks "unhealthy" or "harsh" from the outside might just be an inside joke, a personality trait, or a season where two spouses are actively extending grace and working through things together under God.

Join us as we keep it raw, honest, and unpolished about our own mistakes with judging others, how we navigate communication in our own relationship, and why it’s so vital to focus on building up your own home rather than gossiping about someone else’s. Stay tuned all the way to the end for a beautiful prayer over your relationship!

Transcript

Allen 0:00

The biggest mistake is thinking you understand someone else's marriage.

Eve 0:04

Marriage is not a game.

Allen 0:06

What up, though, everybody? Welcome. Come on in, join us. Let's talk. Let's get into this. Welcome to the Alan E podcast. Where we are going straight forward for marriage. Marriage, marriage is nothing to play with. It is not a game. And we take this very serious. So that's that what we're talking about. So if that includes you or you want to hear it, come on in and join the conversation. We are getting into it, ladies and gentlemen. Stop judging what you don't understand in someone else's marriage. Now I appreciate my wife for coming up with this topic. Because this is a heavy hitter. It's gonna knock you off your feet. So stay tuned to the end. I forgot you used to say lock in, but you just you just stopped saying it now.

Eve 0:55

I mean because we stopped saying it. Right, right.

Allen 0:57

Go ahead and say it, girl. Stay and tell her.

Eve 0:58

Stay locked in to the end. Oh, yeah. Okay, okay. Let's get into it though, because it's just been far too many people going through this, including us, okay? And again, this is not to bash anyone. This is just a learning experience for us all, because this is something we didn't know about or we didn't know how to navigate through. But we want to help you all today. So please stay tuned, locked in to the end, and try to apply this to your situation if you feel as though this can help you, encourage you, edify you in any way. Now, y'all know how I be talking sometimes. Sometimes I just say whatever, I just say it however it is, and I'm very blunt and open, and let's talk about it, right? But um, to some people that don't translate well when I'm sitting here saying something to my husband that may be offensive to somebody else. And they looking like, I can't believe he's letting his wife talk to him like that. You know, that's demasculating him. And it's just like, yo, this is my personality. Like, I'm I am very passionate when I'm talking. I'm like borderline hollering, screaming at you when I talk, but not just you. And as people get to know me, you know, they realize Eve is just a loud speaker and she means well on another note. I need to take into consideration those around me to make sure I'm doing all I can not to offend. Okay. You was around them, and maybe somebody said something, did something, and you was looking like, uh-uh, uh-uh.

Allen 2:43

Get out of there. Get out of there. Yeah, yeah.

Eve 2:45

Okay.

Allen 2:46

Because you get that one glimpse into someone near it, because I don't know what it's like at home for them, but this part I'm seeing right now looks very questionable. Like they should get out of there. And of course, I judge judge somebody married, thinking like this is dangerous and unhealthy for it just to be some type of uh kind of because maybe they're kind of blunt, they kind of rude and disrespectful to their spouse in my eyes. So I might go somewhere and maybe gossip about their marriage and saying that uh like you did that? Like, I have done that a couple of times. Who you do that too? Um, I can't think of the couple's name or the people, but it was somebody I knew. No, no, no. It was like you said in the past, like in the past before you think of it.

Eve 3:33

I don't remember that. We don't be talking about people like that.

Allen 3:34

No, no, no, we don't, we don't do that. We ain't doing that. Either before our marriage, if we um if I see somebody and they're having an interaction, that that's their daily thing, that's how they talk to this, or maybe they play like that. To me, I just it sounds kind of harsh and rude and mean and and disrespectful. So I I I looked at it like, dang, like they have a terrible marriage.

Eve 3:59

That's crazy that you looked at it like that, and then you got me, a wife that doing the same thing that you said, get out of there. Right. And come to find out you meet me, and we we and locked in to the end. So now you sharing in his suffering.

Allen 4:12

Yeah. Yeah, because you're right. I I don't like you could be the sweetest, nicest person on the in the in the house and and and making plates and love and kissing and affection, but I see this in the world when y'all interact with each other, and I got that glimpse, like I said before, and it just looked unhealthy for y'all to be together.

Eve 4:36

Well, that goes.

Allen 4:38

But I'm judging one side, and that's understandable.

Eve 4:40

We all do it. I've done it before. I probably still partially do it, but I catch myself, okay? Because I want to be better. I don't want to judge or put my mouth negatively negatively negatively on anyone or their marriage, okay? We're here to edify, uplift, encourage. That's what we want to do. But sometimes when we talk, it might sound like a little discouraging, but it's really breaking you down to build you up. You know what I mean? Sometimes you need to be broken down and humble in some ways, okay. We all go through that with discipline with the Lord. Anywho, let's keep it moving. This brings us to the second point here. These people that's looking on the outside don't even know y'all. They don't know the personality, they don't know, like, y'all can have some dark humor and y'all saying this each other, y'all could like come up with something. I'ma just use this example. We can have this between us, like, yeah, when people come around, I'm gonna act like I'm your side. Because people do jokes and pranks like that too. We've seen on TikTok where they the the woman coming in, she be like, Yes, master, and all whatever. Exactly. So it could be a joke, it could be an inside thing between that couple, but you why are you so focused on what their relationship is? Why are you so invested and so interested in the dynamics and the intricacies of somebody else's marriage?

SPEAKER_00 6:04

Right.

Eve 6:05

Come on. Meanwhile, your marriage feeling, or meanwhile, you single because you're trying to put your eyes and ears into somebody else's situation and you're not focusing on yourself to do better for you because right now you being that person, you don't want to be in your marriage. Right with their mouth talking constantly, don't even know what you're talking about, don't know what you're talking about, don't even ask, just assume and just with your assumption, go around, start spreading your assumption. So people start believing that.

SPEAKER_00 6:32

Right.

Allen 6:33

And this is just for looking. You you you don't have any information about their relationship or they married. Let's say marriage. You just see the interaction because it's different from seeing, and then they telling you all the gossip and stuff, and you making your assumption with their information that that gave you. But when you just seeing it, it's hard to understand the dynamic because I'm not in that marriage. I don't know. This could be y'all, you know, y'all, y'all playful joking around. That's how y'all date.

Eve 7:08

And that's cool. Yeah, it's not none of your business anyway. The dynamics of somebody else's relationship.

SPEAKER_00 7:12

Right.

Eve 7:13

You know, when you start, you make it negative, the the couple was having the best time of their life. They are unbothered by your opinions and your emotions on what just happened.

SPEAKER_04 7:22

Right. You don't want going home said tomorrow I gotta pray for the deliverance of what they're going through.

Eve 7:29

They ain't going through nothing you going through. You the only one going through something.

Allen 7:32

Forget about church folk when they gossiping about somebody marriage and stuff, all that people business. It's cool to. I mean, you want to pray for somebody, make sure they get through it or ask them, are you okay? And they say they good, then let's leave it alone then. I don't understand it. And I don't understand what they got going on, but I'm not gonna talk about them abash and take that little glimpse inside that mirror and start running with it and spreading lies or rumors or whatever. I don't, I I I'm just gonna take an ignorance to this mirror. I don't know. I don't know what they got going on, unless they tell me, I'm just gonna leave it at it. They good.

Eve 8:07

But this is the thing, even when one tells you, right, if you only hear one side of the story, that's very unwise to just take that up on yourself. Like, this is injustice. Like, what are you what? Then you hear the other side, and now you want to jump on that person because what you didn't tell me any of that other stuff. That's why, just letting you know, when I start opening up our booking again for coaching, it needs to be both couples. I need to see and hear the fullness of what's going on. I don't need anything one-sided or one perspective, both perspectives need to be heard, acknowledged, and worked through. Okay? So come book with me.

SPEAKER_04 8:51

I don't even know what that was. Like, what am I doing? That means book with me now. That's not anything. It's like, where, where, where do we find the book? So it is it. Hopefully, the booking is up before y'all see this video.

SPEAKER_03 9:03

If it's not, my bad.

Allen 9:07

So this is taught me. I think this taught us in our marriage, okay, not to judge other people marriage just off what we see. Because some people might watch this video, some people might watch this video and have two different sides. Because you have the singles and you had a married married people, like, right, I agree with y'all. You know, people shouldn't just be in our beard judging our style of our marriage. Longest is in the God's confined, God's confined covenant, cool.

Eve 9:38

Single people like God's divine covenant or yeah, God divine's covenant.

Allen 9:42

I'm sorry.

Eve 9:42

I think you said confined as well.

Allen 9:43

Divine, divine. I'm sorry. I told y'all why. Sorry. Mess up sometimes.

Eve 9:47

That's why he needed help, y'all. That's why I'm here to say his help.

Allen 9:49

Divine covenant. Longest is in that divine covenant. If it works for y'all, cool, it works for y'all. Right. And then single people are like, uh-uh, like I don't want to get married because what I saw looks kind of negative in that. I wouldn't have no man or no woman talk to me like that. I'll be I'll get it, you should get a divorce. You should get out of there.

Eve 10:09

You know what? At this point, every family is messy. I'ma just be honest with you. I'm just gonna say it. I'm just gonna come on out and confess everybody's business. Everybody's family is messy in some way. Because whether the talk of your marriage gets to your ears, right, it's happening. Come on, it's it's happening, it's happening. Why is happening? I don't know. You ain't got nothing else better to do. But it's happening, it's messiness, it's the truth. It's messy, get get out of the mess, clean the mess up. If you see it's messy, you in the messiness, start cleaning it up. Grab a boom, broom or something, you know? Be washed clean by the Lord, right? Okay, seriously. Like, I'm not even being funny because I was in that space. I I judged everybody's marriage and relationship, they ain't gonna make it hell, hell, hell. I was just all over the place, okay? And that's because I was I had self-condemnation against myself. How am I going to uplift somebody else when I'm condemning myself in my own mind? Okay. Sorry about that. I started itching. We are totally off the topic. Let's get back to the last one because everything we said was needed to be said. We want to flow and go, but we also want to stay on topic, y'all. So this is the last key point here. Every marriage develops its own language, boundaries, and rhythms. So every couple creates their own way of communicating. This is so true just for our relationship when we first started dating, and you had to learn that I'm a very blunt, harsh, was very rude. And the rudeness came in from me not being considerate of how someone is receiving what I'm saying. Okay. So I was that person, and now I'm just more considerate because that's not right to just say whatever and expect somebody to just accept it. That's not okay.

Allen 12:01

Right, because the season I could be in is giving you grace that you're going through a season to figure it out to um to become a better wife.

SPEAKER_04 12:13

Why are you always playing with your nose over here? Like, this don't look good. You always do something like this. Like every video, like we can.

Allen 12:20

No, no, no.

SPEAKER_04 12:22

We need to pause it. Do this and just keep going.

SPEAKER_03 12:25

Like first of all, look at me, look at me, and I'm just like, yeah, like do not first of all. Okay, go ahead.

Allen 12:38

Because I have a beer, and this is one of the issues I have when I have a beer. The nose, the hair sticks up. I try to lay it down, it sticks up and then go inside my nose. You need to find a better.

SPEAKER_03 12:49

Well, you need to find a better and just go away.

Allen 12:52

Like, you can't just and then like no I'm gonna I'm gonna bring my comb and then just sit here and comb my buttons. You have to do what you gotta do. Because it won't lay flat. Okay.

SPEAKER_03 13:02

The little nose thing. Look, y'all, in the comments, y'all need to let him know the little uh every time on these videos ain't get okay, okay.

Allen 13:12

I'm just I'm just letting you know. This is one of the issues I have when I have a beer, okay. It bothers my nose. And it says bothering my nose now. Okay, I'm not trying to play with my nose or nothing. I'm trying to get the hair. I'm trying to get the hair.

Eve 13:26

We just gonna move on from the excuses he gave me rough nose rub.

Allen 13:32

You just messy, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 13:33

Like it's just I am being messy right now.

Allen 13:36

Okay, so every I have to I have to be have given you grace in the season. Okay when a friend or somebody could come across our marriage and say, like, she talked down to him, she's rude and mean to him. Why does she do that to him? Right, but you know, right now we just have our own language and on how we speak to each other. You know, you're or trying to get out of the more rough, aggressive tone.

SPEAKER_04 14:03

Not really. I'm just being myself.

Allen 14:05

Well, she not she's not trying to get out there, she's not, but I'm working on giving her grace and being top one and loving my wife do it. You know, you go, girl.

Eve 14:15

And so somebody could see that lit me through it for the rest of my life because I already were trying to change it. No, but on a serious note, I appreciate that that you are so grace-filled, like I don't think I would have even made it to where I am on my spiritual walk. First of all, without your covering and your grace, because if you pointed it out every time, that would be every day. Every day you will be saying something to me to correct me. You know what I mean? Because I I'm out of control sometimes, you know. Let's just be honest. I am out of control. And sometimes, you know, you just let me go through it, and then next thing you know, I'm coming to you like convicted, and the Holy Spirit had already dealt with me. And that just shows you, and it builds the relationship with you and Christ, you and me, because you know God got you, I know God got me, and we just together in this.

Allen 15:02

Right, because every marriage is not the same. Marriages are different, they have their different boundaries. Some people could say that's a harsh tone. One thing where I won't accept, and people shouldn't, is cussing or talking down. Like if you, because we already say in the Bible, we shouldn't be having harsh, like our language jokes and stuff too. Our language towards each other. But um, if my wife is going through a season where she is rough with her, and she grew up like that, I'm having grace with her. Nobody should say, like, eh, you should get out that marriage, you should get a divorce right away, because your wife is disrespecting you, and she shouldn't be disrespecting no man or no husband like that. Like, I I that's not my boundary right now. Like, that's just not my boundary. Like, my boundary, the how she speaks, or maybe she may be harsh with her tongue or harsh with her, and then later on, she gotta apologize, but y'all don't see that apology part. She could like, you know what? Man, God, I mean, Holy Spirit convicts me on that, and I'm so sorry. But you just seen recognize that as my friend or something. You be like, hey, bro, like you don't let your wife talk to you like that. I think you should get out of there. She needs to understand how you the husband, and she needs to respect you.

Eve 16:23

A lot of people don't even realize that women have these emotional things that they go through. Hormonal, seriously. Like, nobody wants to wake up and choose to have an attitude problem that day. There are hormonal things that women go through. Okay, this is just a part of life. It's nothing going to magically, drastically change until the coming of Christ, and we are all perfect at that point. But we need to extend grace every day. Forgive seven times 70. So at the end of the day, that's you doing it to outside people, but don't want to do it with your spouse, to your spouse, with their family. You'll do it, you'll forgive seven times 70 for your family, but for their family, it's a done deal. I don't want to talk to them no more. They messy, da da da. But your family just is messy because remember, we are it's messiness in all of these families. Y'all know that. Come on now. Don't lie to yourself. Let's go, let's go ahead. Every marriage establishes different boundaries and expect expectations, like you said. Everybody is different, okay. I compliment, okay. That's gonna be our next video. I compliment men and women, and I think we always talk about this. Everybody's, you know, it's somebody else out there, that's a boundary. I don't want you complimenting nobody. Maybe they already went through some some bad situations, and that's just a trigger for them. I totally respect that. I'm not saying it's right or wrong or you better, you should always should be like this. I've learned that do what works for you, okay? Because I'm not, this is my personality. I love to uplift people. If if I see something that looks good, a shirt, a beard, some eyes, a face, some hair, I'm I will compliment you, male or female. And I thank God that that is not a boundary to you. You don't look at it as oh my god, my my wife is out here just free-spirited, as you put it. You know, because I do it in your face, right? Away from you, like when you're not here and on a phone, wherever I am, I may do it, but I tell you about it. I communicate that to you, and we have such an open relationship with communication. Let me let me clear it up. Open relationship with communication. Open y'all.

Allen 18:39

Nah.

Eve 18:40

With communication. We talk about so many things, and it's basically really no secrets. I had to confess the secret, but we ain't gonna we ain't gonna talk about that today because we gotta wrap it up, okay? What works well for one marriage may not work well for another, and that's okay. Everybody learn and grow at their own pace and do what works best for your family, for your marriage, for your relationship. Protect your peace in the process, right? Okay, communicate with your spouse more than you communicate with anybody else. If you don't feel like talking to your spouse, then talk to yourself. Talk to yourself.

Allen 19:15

You better be in there talking.

Eve 19:16

Pray, okay, because when I say talk to yourself, I talk to myself all the time in prayer. Do you know what that means? Okay, I don't know what it means either. That it made no sense. So we just don't.

Allen 19:27

I do, I understand. You talking. Well, you're pretty much talking to the Holy Spirit. Exactly. So you pray, you're talking to the Holy Spirit, or you're talking to Jesus, you're having a conversation with them.

Eve 19:37

Thank you for explaining it to them because you did the best. We did the best we could, y'all. We love y'all, but let me go ahead and pray for each and every person here. Do you have anything to say before I go ahead and start praying? Heavenly Father, we love you so much. We pray for each and every person under the sound of my voice, Lord, that is just listening, Lord, that wants more of you, Father. Maybe they don't even know who you are. Who is Jesus Christ, our Savior, our Lord? The one who died and rose, oh God, the one who sent the Holy Spirit to abide in us. We thank you for that, Father. And for all those who don't know you, Lord, we ask that they are able to have a mind and a heart that's open to you, Lord, that we will have the mind of Christ, that we will have a sound mind in this season, that the communications will begin to open up, that anything that's stuck right here in our throat where we can't get it out, Father, that you will push it out, push it up. Do whatever is needed, Lord, to get it out of us, oh God. Let it overflow out of us, oh God, so that it is not tearing us down because we're trying to hold weight, oh God. Let us bring it into your presence, Lord. In your presence, man and wife, standing before you, naked, Father. We naked and we are ashamed of what we've done, Lord. But we know that you are still covering us, oh God. We know that you still love us through our sin and our transgression, Father. We know that your words and that you will never leave us and forsake us, Father. We thank you so much for your grace and your mercy that you give us on a daily basis, Father. We thank you that there's nowhere we can go, that you will not be with us after we've given ourselves to you, surrendered over to you, confessed that we are sinners and that we are needing the savior in need of a savior, Jesus Christ, Yeshua Hamashiach. We pray all this in your name, Jesus. Amen.

Allen 21:21

Amen. Thank you, Jesus. Y'all know what it is. It's Alan Eve can help you believe that marriage is not a game. Talk to him, girl.