Why you keep having the same fight over and over (and how to stop it)

Do you and your partner keep having the same fight on repeat — different topic, same exhausting pattern? In this episode of Self-Led Love, host and certified IFS practitioner Bahia Miller breaks down exactly why couples get stuck in these cycles and offers a three-step framework for finally shifting them.

Bahia walks you through the difference between the content of a conflict (what you're fighting about) and the process (how your protective parts are showing up) — and why the process is almost always what keeps you looping. She also shares a vulnerable, real-time example from her own marriage to bring this framework to life.

In this episode:

• Why "same fight, different day" is actually a portal for growth
• How to become a curious scientist of your relationship patterns
• Content vs. process: the layer most couples miss
• How protective parts and exiles drive recurring conflict
• A real example from Bahia's own relationship (and what she's learning from it)
• How to move from reactive to collaborative — and even playful
• The three-step process for dismantling recurring cycles

Keywords: relationship patterns, IFS couples, internal family systems relationships, recurring arguments, conscious relationship, couples communication, protective parts, self-led love, relationship growth, emotional responsibility, Bahia Miller podcast

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The Self-Led Love Checklist: https://bahiamiller.com/checklist
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*Self-Led Love Podcast Disclaimer*

Self-Led Love is a space for reflection, education, and relational growth. The content shared here is offered for educational and informational purposes only, and reflects my lived experience and professional perspective as an Internal Family Systems–informed relationship coach.

Any stories shared on the podcast are either my own, anonymized, or composite examples drawn from real experiences. Identifying details have been changed to protect privacy and confidentiality.

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy, medical care, legal advice, or mental health treatment. While many listeners may find resonance, insight, or support through this...

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Welcome to Self-Led Love with me, your host, Bahia Miller. Together, using the powerful framework of Internal Family Systems, we will take on the spiritual and also human curriculum of becoming radically responsible for our parts and how they show up and grow up in intimate partnership. I'm so glad you're here. Let's dive in. Do you feel like you and your partner are having a different version of the same fight over and over again? A lot of couples get into these cycles, and it can be so frustrating and painful the longer it goes on without being addressed. I've been there, and today I am going to bring you inside of my brain as a conscious relationship coach and a certified IFS practitioner to tell you and invite you into how I am thinking about these dynamics when I'm working with couples so that you can become kind of the troubleshooter or the curious scientists of the experience that you guys are having and start to identify exactly what's happening and how to shift it. And so, welcome back, everyone, to self-led love. It is my great honor and joy to walk with couples and individuals as they roll their sleeves up and do the self-reflective and self-responsible work of growing up together in intimate partnership. So if you feel like you're having the same breakdown over and over again, different fight, different problems, same pattern, that is not the moment to try to implement a strategy to identify what's going on and fix this. When you're in the breakdown, the strategy is to pump the brakes, to push the pause button for whichever partner has the capacity and the consciousness to say, we're actually not going to get anywhere productive here. We need to pause this and revisit it in a little bit. Right. And in that time period, maybe you do some reflection about what was happening for you or what that frustration or anger or feelings are, but really just to take some time to come back into some nervous system regulation. And I used this phrase before about being a curious scientist. This comes from one of my teachers, Ama, and I've heard other people use it as well. And what does it mean to be a curious scientist? Well, it means that we're able to take a step back, right? To kind of get out of being deep in the situation, to get a little bit more perspective, a little bit more objectivity. This is about when we stop swimming in the waters of blame and who's right and who's wrong, and we shift into collaboration and curiosity. Now, your partner may or may not be ready to shift into that curious scientist role with you. But either way, I will invite you, as soon as you're able to, and as soon as you realize, oh, we did our thing again, to start to really take a step back, to shift into some awareness and a desire for clarity about what's going on for us. Because even one insight into this dynamic will start to dismantle it and start to shift the whole thing. So, number one, you become a curious scientist, you step back and look for some perspective. Number two is understanding the different layers of a disagreement. The first layer is the content of the breakdown, right? What were you fighting about? The way that they were driving, or about money, or about how they weren't paying attention and the way that it made you feel seen or X, Y, and Z, right? Whatever the subject matter of the fight or the breakdown is, is layer number one. And this is the layer of a breakdown that I, as a coach, right, am actually less concerned with. Yes, there can be many complexities, especially to hot-button topics like sex and intimacy, control, power dynamics, values, a vision for your family. You may have lots of different parts of you that are swirling around in those conversations, and they all get tangled up and snagged with your partner's parts or their ideas. But the content is one piece. The other piece, the other layer that I'm mostly concerned with and thinking about is the process. And process is more about the way that we are talking about things than the thing itself. It's our method of communication, it's our behavior in a conversation, right? This is the parts of us that react when we get triggered by our partner or something that they're saying. And this layer is why you probably feel like you're having the same breakdown over and over again. Because oftentimes the parts of us that show up in the process, the parts of us that are getting activated by the thing our partner does or says, are our protective parts that show up again and again in these dynamics with our partners. Right. This is why you hear, oh, my partner is being defensive, they're shutting down, they just go away, they're getting loud and angry. Right. Those behaviors and ways of interacting, those protective parts of us are the ones that are driving our protective parts to come up and go round and round rego, right? When we have a protector versus another protector, nothing good, vulnerable, intimate, deeper is happening in this conversation. So I'm gonna break this down a little bit more, but here's the thing you may have a few of these different cycles or dynamics, or some relationship experts call them dances or tangos. You may have a few of these different patterns in your relationship that keep showing up over and over again. And this is part of the gift that they keep showing up so that we can keep getting clearer about what is coming up for us and happening in these dynamics as we dismantle them. So don't get discouraged if you're like, why haven't we solved this by now? Right. I want you to just keep identifying and connecting with what's coming up in the cycle. And it's almost like cleaning out a wound, right? Making sure that there's nothing left inside that will cause infection, right? That there may be unprocessed pain either from this relationship or from before this relationship, from our family of origin, from things that have happened to us throughout our life, that these cycles activate. And so I'm going to explain how to start dismantling these cycles, but first comes awareness. We have to get really specific and clear about the dynamic. So my husband and I have worked through many of these cycles and layers. We keep clarifying them and becoming conscious of them and putting them down sooner and sooner. And it saves us a lot of time and dysregulation and the energy that that takes to come back and do deep repair. And it's great that we can keep identifying and letting these go. But we still are experiencing new ones, right? Because what's the saying? New level, new devil, right? As life brings us new challenges, new stressors, new things that emerge, right? We have to keep identifying the parts of us that get snagged in these patterns if we want to have amazing relationships. And it gets easier, it really does. So to make this process a bit more real and grounded and practical, I am going to share a real uh pattern that's coming up in my relationship right now. And so lately I have been experiencing um some stress. Right. I have my work, which I love. I have my four-year-old, which I love, who is also in a very part-time preschool program. I'm trying to work out, take care of myself, keep my spiritual practice intact, maintain some relationships, right? If you're a parent, you maybe can understand that the demands on your time change. And, you know, it's just a different game. And so here's the dynamic that I'm noticing coming up for us. My husband will ask me how I'm doing. How are you, honey? And I take this as a moment where I get to actually share about how I'm doing, right? I don't hear this question as like, oh, I'm fine. Like, I hear like, tell me what's going on with you, right? And honesty is one of the drums that I'm beating in this life. So I go into it, right? I start sharing about all the things that I'm thinking about with my work and with summer camp decisions and with the things that I want to do with myself and with mothering and the trips that I want to take and the stress that I have. And at some point in my sharing, I watch him take this deep, kind of stressed out sigh and kind of roll his eyes. Oh man. And then I'm pissed, right? You just asked me how I'm doing, and now I'm telling you. And as I tell you, now I'm too much, or you're judging me and my human experience. And so then my fight parts come out. Like I put on my boxing gloves and I'm like, what was that? You just asked me what was going on, and now I'm telling you, right? Here we go. We're in the cycle. And then he says something like, Well, I don't want to take on your stress. And I'm like, I didn't ask you to take on my stress. And we're just completely off to the races. And then I end up feeling judged and unseen, and he's annoyed and overwhelmed, and there's disconnection. And so, as a curious scientist, I can see that there are all of these things that I'm juggling. And that's the content, right? That's the content of what's going on. And the process of this, right? He asked me how I'm doing. I started sharing about it the way that I wanted to share it in my heart and mind and body. He has a reaction. And then I interpret his reaction, maybe correctly, maybe incorrectly, and then I get bigger. So in this dynamic, what I'm noticing is that when he invites me to share, but then rolls his eyes and makes that kind of stressed out sigh, right? A part of me, maybe in exile, the tender part of me feels unaccepted, unseen, judged, uncared for. Right. And that makes my protectors come out and get angry and blame him for just doing that. Right. I don't have capacity at that point to be curious about what's coming up for him or his experience. I'm just pissed that he asked me to share and now doesn't want to listen. Right. I feel like he bait and switched me. And so, right, knowing my husband for so long, I know the history, right? I know that my big emotions or feelings, experiences can be overwhelming for him. I know where that comes from. I know some of that is from long ago, like before I was even in his life, but some of that is connected to me. And knowing that, right, is helpful. And we've kind of developed this shared understanding of each other's histories and sensitivities together over the years. But in the moment, I am not connected to any of that reality, right? So I haven't actually talked about this in depth with him yet about unpacking this cycle, but I probably will before this is released. And as I kind of zoom out and become the curious scientist, I imagine that his stressed out kind of sigh is an attempt to actually just make me stop sharing because he's actually quite an empathic kind of guy to his own detriment. And he probably just needs it to stop. And I imagine that when he shuts down and he gets frustrated and tries to pull away, he's actually, again, just trying to make it stop. And I'm gonna check in with him about this and ask if that's what's going on or if it's something else. But, you know, when I get perspective, I can have compassion with maybe his exiles or maybe he's just feeling overwhelmed, right? Like he needs to get away. Like he wasn't expecting such a full-on answer to his question. Right. And so I've identified a dynamic here. And I have an idea about what's going on for him, and I have an understanding of what's going on for me, right? My protectors that fight and the parts of me that feel too much and unseen and confused about getting asked, but then not having space from it. And so this is all great fun, right? Like, oh gosh, this is like so heady and intense. But we do need to slow down and understand and know and name what's going on before things can start to shift. And here is where that happens because it isn't enough to just name and notice it. Awareness, naming and noticing it is the first part of the puzzle here. The second step here, right, is that I have an opportunity, a spiritual invitation here to do things differently. Now, the point here is not how can I trigger my partner less, or how can I just walk on eggshells and twist myself into a pretzel, but how can I show up more responsibly and more maturely and in honor of both myself and him in these situations. Right. And so what I'm actually seeing here for myself in this example is that my relationship with stress and how I handle stress could use some fine-tuning. Because as I slowed down today and I actually listened to that stress part, I realized that I did actually want him to hold the stress with me. Right. When he asked me how I was doing, I was like, oh, right, great. Here is an opportunity to kind of unload all of this, to not feel so alone in it. I was uncomfortable. I wanted it to shop to stop. So I shared it on full blast. Right? Not dramatic or anything like that, but I just like let it rip. And now is that is that fair to him? Do I do that to other people out in the world? Does anyone like it when we just dump on them? No. Right. So the invitation for me is twofold. It's my relationship to stress and then how I communicate about my stress. How do I want to relate to the responsibilities, the juggle of this season of life? Yeah, I want it to be more easeful and less serious. And even though the to-do list will never get done, I want that to be okay. I want it to be okay to drop a ball here and there. So that's an invitation for me to keep growing in this way, right? In between my relationship with me and inevitable stressors of life, right? How can I steward that and be more choiceful and grown up in it? And I don't have the answer to that today, right? But that's a question that I'm going to be sitting with. And then how can I hold that experience with some containment? Not that I won't share it with my husband, but I know I can own it and not spill it and spew it all over him. And so that I don't make him the one that I want to help me, the one that I want to be responsible for getting me out of these dilemmas. Just how can I share about it differently? You know, so often our partners can get the worst version of us, right? We don't do the same kind of stuff to our friends or other people. But at home, all of these kind of unconscious pockets of us can come out. And this is why it can be such a potent invitation for growth and change in intimate partnership. And yes, sure, my partner, you know, my husband has a part in this too. He could probably, I don't know, right, do better speaking for his overwhelm or explaining his capacity before, you know, he asks me how I'm doing. Who knows what he would identify as his growing edge. That's actually not my job to figure that out. If those are things that I want need, I could ask for them, right? But there's something for him to discover about what he needs in this dynamic and cycle. And, you know, I will bring it to him and maybe we'll have a conversation about it. Maybe he'll identify something that is meaningful to him. And the third part of this, the third part of undoing these cycles is using our creativity together to find the evolution of these patterns. It maybe him and I would create a system of like, do you really want to know? Or do you just kind of want to know, right? Like, do you want the deep dive or just the shallow waters right now? Deep or shallow, who knows? Maybe we could turn it into some kind of playful game next time he asks me how I'm doing. Or maybe I can find a way to communicate about my stress levels or overwhelm in a different way. And when we can step into these creative processes together, that's when things get really fun and juicy and things start changing faster, right? Because it's actually collaborative and creative instead of reactive, right? It can sound like I don't want to keep doing the same thing over and over with you in these moments. What do we need? How can we interrupt this? What do you want or need from me? And how can we keep it playful? It is a lot to live with another person and to do life together and to build together and integrate your lives and keep the romance alive and do all of the logistics that life is asking for. And the sooner that you can get masterful at identifying these patterns, identifying the process that is holding the content of your communication and really coming into relationship with the parts of you that get hurt. Right. That's not for your partner to solve that hurt, right? It's for us to slow down and come into relationship with ourselves and these exiles and tender parts of our own heart. To give ourselves the thing we need. And then maybe, right, we can let our partner in and share with some vulnerability or ask them for something that we need. But it's our primary job first to do that inner work. And I gotta tell you, as you keep doing this throughout the years, it just keeps getting better and better. And if you want to enroll your partner in this kind of game, curious scientist, like let's break the cycles together, then then share this episode. I'll be real with you. This is not my husband's most favorite thing in the world to do, to get all psychological about the dynamics of these moments, but there is a way to do it that can be kind of light and playful. And, you know, he's willing enough to go there with me. And he understands the benefit of breaking the pattern and creating solutions together and the vulnerability and the trust that we have cultivated over the years by taking ownership of our protectors and sharing about our exiles and the places that still hurt. It's it's real intimacy. And we have to go to these places less and less often, which thank God, because it's so exhausting. And one more thing before we sign out today, I realized as I was thinking about this episode, I realized that I think I need to make a follow-up episode for those of you that maybe feel like you're you have a part of you that feels like it's doing all of the emotional labor in your relationship, because this is actually a really painful place to get stuck. And this is not meant to be uh an invitation to just like pour all of the work onto you, but this is really just for today, right? An invitation to be responsible for your part in the dynamic, right? To really like it's for your own well-being and your own liberation and your own happiness that you can mine these situations for your own spiritual growth and development, right? I'm gonna benefit by contemplating my relationship to my stress and how I communicate about my stress and how I process stress. I'm gonna benefit from that first and foremost. My husband will also benefit from that. My child will also benefit from that. And we are just fine-tuning, fine-tuning so that we have more and more capacity for joy and connection and coming back together more quickly. So, if what I'm sharing today resonates with you, be sure to check out my self-led love checklist, which is linked in the show notes. And this is a really simple guide to help you identify what is your work to do, what is your partner's work to do, and what is your collective responsibility in a healthy self-led relationship. Because here in the self-led love world, we are in the business of keeping our own side of the street clean and not getting distracted or lost by something that is not our work to do. So, thank you everyone for being here today. We'll see you soon.