Parts, Patterns and the Sacred Mess: Reflections from IFS Level 3 Training

SELF LED LOVE episode 13 - Reflections from IFS Level 3 Training

After completing the highest level of IFS training available directly from the IFS Institute, Bahia shares what's alive in her after a week of deep immersion — and what she's bringing back to her work with clients and couples.

In this episode:
- The round table visualization — Rather than asking parts to step back, a practice of inviting every part of the system into the circle. Managers, firefighters, exiles — all welcomed, all belonging.
- Cultural legacy burdens — How do systemic forces like capitalism, patriarchy, and racism live in our parts? And how does that show up in partnerships where two people are reckoning with those burdens on different timelines?
- Neurodiversity & the organized self — Bahia opens up about her own journey as a highly sensitive person and holds space for those wondering what neurodivergence means for their relationships and sense of self.
- Grief as sacred frequency — Coming full circle to where her IFS journey began, Bahia reflects on grief not as a part to fix, but as a shared, human experience that deserves witnessing, containment, and community.
- Spirituality in the model — A gentle exploration of what it means to connect with life itself — and an open invitation if that's a conversation you want to have.

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Bahia’s Unblending Meditation: https://bahiamiller.com/unblend
The Self-Led Love Checklist: https://bahiamiller.com/checklist
www.bahiamiller.com

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*Self-Led Love Podcast Disclaimer*

Self-Led Love is a space for reflection, education, and relational growth. The content shared here is offered for educational and informational purposes only, and reflects my lived experience and professional perspective as an Internal Family Systems–informed relationship coach.

Any stories shared on the podcast are either my own, anonymized, or composite examples drawn from real experiences. Identifying details have been changed to protect privacy and confidentiality.

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy, medical care, legal advice, or mental health treatment. While many listeners may find resonance, insight, or support through this...

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Welcome to Self-Led Love with me, your host, Bahia Miller. Together, using the powerful framework of Internal Family Systems, we will take on the spiritual and also human curriculum of becoming radically responsible for our parts and how they show up and grow up in intimate partnership. I'm so glad you're here. Let's dive in. Welcome back, everyone. Today I am sharing with you a little behind the scenes of what I've been integrating, thinking about, experiencing in the IFS level three training. And the level three training is the highest level of training that you can get directly from the IFS Institute. And I feel really lucky and privileged to have had this opportunity to go deep in this work available to me. They no longer have these trainings open to coaches anymore in the same way. I believe there's a separate coaching program, but I came to this work when it was still available for practitioners and therapists alike. And what I want to share, like as I start thinking about how I got here, how I got to this moment in the journey, I can't help but think back to the younger version of me. It was 2014, and I heard a podcast. It was Neil Satin's Relationship Alive podcast. It's an incredible relationship podcast. Um, I've gotten so much value from that one over the years. Shout out to Neil. Thank you for that. And Dick Schwartz, the creator of IFS, was on the I didn't know who he was or what it was, but the title of the episode was How to Get All of Your Parts to Work Together and with Your Partner. And I read that title and I clicked on the link because I was like, yes, this, because I felt so much conflict inside of me. So much like this part wants this and this part wants that, and making decisions is hard. And I feel confused all the time. And I don't know if I should trust myself or trust what this person's telling me, or you know, I just was like, how do I find that that drive, that desire for coherence and self-trust was so like active in in my field. And I heard this podcast and um I heard them lay out the model, and I just went, This is what I'm doing. Like I just mothed to a flame. This modality is gonna be, I had to try it, right? And so just thinking back on this version of myself, right? I'm like 27 years old, and I find this certified IFS therapist who's like around the corner from my house in this gorgeous, gorgeous like mansion, like that was filled with therapy rooms and all these holistic modalities. And this person was incredible and held a really strong and deep container for me. And I will be forever grateful. And when I think back on what the work looked like, you know, I would go in and I would sit my butt on that couch and I would start to listen inside of my body, inside of my heart, my mind, what's happening inside of me. And, you know, I'm sure there were certain sessions where I was just kind of talking about it, blah, blah, blah. But the core memory of that period of um of work was grief, was sitting down and grieving the way things were working out, the things, the dreams that I had that were going in different directions, the pain that I was experiencing in relationships, in my sobriety, just like my humanity, grieving things that had happened to me, big T, little T traumas, like, wow. And that grief, right? They say that grief and love are two sides of the same coin, right? Like that grief, acknowledging my bumpy human experience was so sacred and so important. And I did that work for a while with this person, and I'm so grateful. I know, I already said that. Um, but at some point he was like, Hey, you know, you know, I was like, maybe I should become a therapist, or oh, then I have to go back to school and all these things, and I don't know if this is what I want. And he was like, You could do this training, right? You can you can get into these level one trainings. And so I went after it. And I, it's hard to get into these trainings. I found other ways to study IFS, to, you know, deepen my connection with the model, and then eventually, boom, it happened, and I went down this rabbit hole. And uh it's one of my favorite things to do, to sit with people as they come into relationship with what's happening inside of them, because the awareness and our ability to sit with and be present with what's happening inside of us is you know foundational to being in any kind of intimate relationship, right? Or into a relationship with life is foundational to being able to work with different aspects of ourselves that show up on our chosen career path or um in our mission in the things we want, right? So yeah, I feel really um grateful to be able to have this framework to work in a very precise, compassionate, uh holistic way with folks and with couples, right? And so that was so then that was level one, and then level two is the couples work, right? The intimacy from the inside out is what that model is called. And that is like, whoa, like the crash course in holding complexity, right? Because in level one, right, like when we're just working with our own system, there's like I have all these parts of me that are conflicting, and can I sit in the circle with them and hear them and commune with them and build relationships with them and help them heal so that they don't have to work so hard so that I can live more from this kind of flow state, right? Of trust in myself and trust in life and then IFIO, the level two, right? The the complexity of couples, right, is a whole other level. I think in um a 12-step program that I used to go to, they're always joking, like, oh yeah, it's so much easier to be single because like you're only dealing with your own stuff. But the the amount of compromise and complexity that has to be held in a partnership, right, within ourselves requires a different level of maturity. And um I'll just leave it there. But to be able to hold two systems and to hold the patterns of how they interact with each other and to call folks forward into being the primary caretaker of their own system, of their own parts, and learning the skills to speak for their parts and to make repair. Oh my goodness. Wow, like a whole other level. And we need that foundational level of self-understanding or at least the capacity to go into that to even do like more productive work in the relational space. And so this third level three, right? This has kind of been oh, it's still so fresh. Um, but it's kind of been like, you know, just a masterclass and refinement, right? About really slowing down to see more and more the patterns of how these parts inside of ourselves interact, right? The managers who are so good at getting things done, at keeping us, keeping our lives together, keeping control over things, keeping, you know, our persona and the way we interact with the world. Like they're so valuable and they can become so burdened and exhausted, especially when they are in conflict with, you know, wanting to keep some of our pain at bay. Um, right. Those are some of the exiles, the parts of ourselves, the fear of failure, fear I'm not lovable, fear not good enough, like all of those, right? When the managers are overcompensating to keep those parts of us down, oh, that can become tiring. Right. And then there's these firefighters, these parts of us that just want to have fun and enjoy life and want to self-soothe and check out. And I really got the lead trainer, like really like celebrated these parts of ourselves, which are oftentimes like they're called firefighters. They kind of have this bad rap, right? That are like rebellious parts. Um that, you know, and they can get us into trouble. When they're really extreme, they do have a negative impact, right? They have there's addiction and checking out, and like some of those things do interrupt life, but the intention behind them is to help us, is to help us experience life in a more balanced way, right? And this is the thing, right? It's like our system is always trying to create harmony and the alarm bells are going off in the parts of us that are saying, like, hello, something is out of balance here. So I'm really just taking away this week like a deeper respect for the patterns. And I think it was said in the training that, like, in order to cause change, in order for things to really shift and um evolve in our system, like we really have to be tracking these full patterns. And it's great to work, slow down, to do deep work with one part, like one part at a time, but really just to have this greater perspective and respect for the way our systems, you know, the systemic nature of what's happening inside of us. And um, and during the training, there was like this kind of re repetition of this beautiful way of interacting with the parts, as if you are imagining like inviting each aspect of you into a circle. And I've heard this as kind of like a round table exercise. I actually have in my um IFS notebook on my remarkable tablet, which I love, um, because there's no notifications and all of that jazz. But I have a round table of like different parts of me that I like to check in with on a regular basis. Um, the parts that are kind of like really being prioritized and dominant in my system right now. Um and I think I actually need to go back and kind of look at that and refine that and like bring in some of these managers. Cause I think that my round table right now, I'm just like reflecting this in real time. I don't know if this is helpful for you out there, but like I think that there's a lot of manager energy, like a lot of parts of me that love to work hard. And then the firefighters get a little bit neglected. The play parts, the parts that want to relax and take time to care, like, you know, have fun and check out like in healthier ways or not, like, you know, whatever. But those parts of me like are not getting enough attention in my system. And I'm just noticing that now. Um, and I gotta put some exiles on on my my roundtable map. Anyways, back to you, back to you, back to us, back to just like the things that I am taking away from this level three training is just this visualization, and maybe this will be helpful to you of like inviting in, not asking our parts to step back and move away, but like really inviting in all these different aspects of ourselves that are popping up in any given moment, right? Not that they all need to come in and like take us over and overwhelm us, but that we can like the consciousness, the um, the one who is witnessing, can see all of these things and recognize them and understand that they're all, you know, trying to do something for us. And we can take a deep breath and be with them, and we can make a conscious choice about what part needs to lead right now in this moment, right? One at a time. So yeah, this circle is really just an invitation to invite our parts in a little bit closer, not to push them away. We're remembering like we're never trying to get rid of our parts. Yeah, the next thing that I'm thinking about here, and it's not a fully fleshed-out thought yet, but is the interaction of cultural systemic issues with our individual experience and parts. Right. So we had some conversations in this group of diehard IFSers this week, just about um how to make sense of and work with the parts of us that are impacted by capitalism, patriarchy, racism, white supremacy culture, like all of, you know, all of these things, the grind, because there is grief there. And there are parts of us that have had to organize themselves. And then we also talked a lot about neurodiversity, right? And like the intersection of all these systemic things and neurodiversity, and like how our parts have had to organize themselves in ways to, you know, be functional in the world, to get it, get it done, to be accepted and to experience belonging, right? Whether it's in our family of origin or out in out in the world. And I'm so grateful to be kind of on this like leading edge in my own system of conversation around these systemic cultural legacy burdens and the effect that they have in our bodies and in our hearts and in our spirits. Um because it's real. And I I'm with I'm with it with my clients, you know, like I have several clients, and I can think of them now, I'm thinking of them right now, who really bring this forward and are forthright about the pain that they experience um from living in the world the way the world is right now. And how do we hold that grief and that pain and that experience and validate it? And are there ways that we can step out of it or unburden ourselves in little bits at a time from engaging in the system the way it is? And how do how do I, right? I'm just thinking about like how am I supporting partnerships where one or both clients, right, are really connecting with the impact, right? And on their own timelines around that, because most of the time, partners are not doing the same work at the same time, right? There might be a few years where one person is depressed and then they start to feel better and you know, come through whatever dark night of the soul. And then like at another point, another person's going through it. And like, this is oh my goodness, the gift of long-term partnership, right? To get to um figure out how we can stay true to ourselves and each other as we're unpacking these different levels. So just talking about like, you know, the cultural legacy burden piece, like there's a lot going on in the world right now, and um and a lot of people are impacted directly. It just deserves to be named and acknowledged, and then figuring out what needs to happen to work with that. So that's on my heart. Yes, I mentioned this piece around neurodiversity and the ways our parts have had to organize themselves for belonging, for survival, all of that jazz. I'm holding a lot of curiosity around that in myself. And, you know, I am a highly sensitive person and have been on a journey to really attune to my own emotional depth and cadence and expression, how I express that in my own life and in my own partnership. And stay tuned. Stay tuned for for more when I have more clarity on the neurodivergence journey. Um, I think a lot of people are out there questioning and wondering like, you know, is this part of the makeup of who I am? And what does that mean? And what does that mean for my life and my future and my past and my partnership and all of that? So if you're out there just like holding pieces around this, I'm with you and I'm doing my own um investigation, and I can't wait to share more about that when I have more clarity. And you know, the last few bits here that really stuck out to me from this training um were there was a conversation around spirituality and and what is its place in the model, this model, right? This IFS model. A lot of IFS people are very, you know, spiritual people, and a lot of people are really like not into spirituality. Um people who have religious trauma or really just, you know, don't don't vibe with the whole higher power or connecting to something larger thing. And um, you know, I haven't made that a big topic or something that I've um I'm leaning into in supporting folks' inquirer inquiry around. Um, I think primarily because, you know, I'm supporting people in relational work and in their relational skills, but I am holding curiosity around how, you know, we understand our connection to life. Oftentimes when I think of a higher power, I think of life itself, like the thing that makes our hearts beat and the grass grow, right? It my connection to this word spirituality, higher power, right, was developed in the rooms of 12-step, which people have mixed feelings about. For me, it has been very much this empowering journey of like, what is your direct experience? Right. What is the thing that you want to lean into in life? What is the belief that you want to have that helps you not just get through the day, but like feel more connection to life itself, to hope. And I've had different versions of it over the years, and I'm allowed to let it keep changing. And I'm grateful for this journey that I have with it. And it's not for everyone. And so I don't push that on people, but I'm always available for that conversation. And if that's something that you all, you listeners out there, are like, can we talk about this? Can we go on that journey together? Please let me know. Because there have been many times where I've thought about, like, okay, is this something that people are yearning for, like want more of? How to find an embodied, authentic spiritual practice path? How can that support us and help us in the relational work and in our relationship with ourselves and in the relationship with life? Right. A lot of the things I say kind of have this like spiritual flair, right? Like it's all a mirror reflecting back to us. What is our spiritual curriculum? I love that phrase. I think it comes from the University of Santa Monica in California. I think that's where I first heard it, this term spiritual curriculum. Like, what is my unique journey here in this life? And you know, we all get to choose, um, choose our path and choose what works for us. And I'm choosing what works for me. And, you know, if there's anything that you guys want from me around this word, yeah, please reach out um to me at behia miller.com is my email. Or you can find me on Instagram at Bahia Miller. And yeah, the last the last piece that um I'm really taking away from this training, which just feels like this yeah, it kind of comes back to where I started my IFS journey, which is this piece around grief. And that grief is not necessarily a part of us. It might be an experience that parts of us have. And that grief is incredibly um important that we can hold. space to allow that process when it shows up. And there's no need to go out looking for it. Right. But if we can sit with, you know, the things we've been through, the parts of us that are showing up, the way that we're feeling in this world long enough that we might come come into relationship with it. And you know, there I'm actually I have um an episode about grief coming out next. I think I'm gonna bring it out next or in the next few weeks here with a dear friend and IFS practitioner of mine. But grief is an incredibly important frequency. It's an experience that is sacred and honest. And even though it may be uncomfortable to sit in, it is not something that we are trying to make go away. It's okay to touch in and come out and we don't have to, you know, try to stay in there. We can grieve and then we can get up and dance in gratitude and reverence for this life. But it is a core part of what it means to be human. And there's more here that feels like I can't even put it into words because it just is this experience. I'm just holding a lot of reverence and gratitude for spaces that we can go and grieve together. Because I don't know about you, but it feels real hard for me to like get down into the depths of my own heartbreak and pain and like when I'm by myself. And yes, I can I've you know I there are moments where I can cry by myself and whatnot, but it is a shared experience that is good to have witnessing around and holding around and care around and containment around and we don't have these um grieving spaces together right these communal spaces for this process in this world so much. Yeah that's another planted seed in my future kind of uh hope and vision not that we all need to just go and be grieving together but that I am able to create and hold spaces where we're safe to do that and where that is welcome and we can also get back up and dance and connect and be with each other through all of the messiness of this human experience. So that's what I got for us today reflections from level three. That's where I've been this week and you know I always think these trainings I'm like oh it's gonna be like a break I'm just gonna get to relax and just take it all in but oh my gosh I've been to the depths of of the parts of me that are alive and needing some attention this week I've been deep in these conversations I've been thinking about all of the wonderful brave people that I get to work with. And you know if you are out there and you have um been wondering if we are a match to work together or when our paths are going to cross like I'm just so grateful that you are in my world and tuning in because the best is yet to come um having these relationships with ourselves with our parts with life itself with our partners with our children with our missions with our money with our bodies like all of this is deep on my heart and coming through me and the creative energy is alive and I don't know where we're going next but I'm slowing down because I can get really excited. This is one of the polarizations that I've been playing with inside of myself right this creative impulse that comes through and wants to like build and create and do. And then also right like I have to like slow the roll on that and keep moving, keep moving, but not so much sprint and crash. And I don't know if anyone else out there relates to that pattern right the parts that go really fast and then they crash and put it all down. I am very much in the practice of learning about consistency and discipline and as one of my coaches says just like 1% every day 1% change 1% step forward every day. And so I'm here in that and I can't wait to see where we go together. Thank you for being here part of this community thank you for caring about your relationships to others and to yourself and to life itself and onward we go I'll see you next time you know my free resources are here and in the show notes here you can get come a little bit closer to me down there through those and I'll see you soon. Bye