The Art of Inviting Your Partner to Explore IFS with You

Have you fallen in love with Internal Family Systems and desperately wish your partner would too?

Maybe you've experienced more self-awareness, more compassion, and more spaciousness inside yourself through IFS—and naturally want to share that gift with the person you love most. But instead of enthusiasm, you're met with skepticism, defensiveness, or a complete lack of interest.

In this episode, I explore the delicate dance of introducing IFS into your relationship without creating more polarization. Rather than focusing on how to convince your partner, we'll explore how to embody the work yourself, understand the parts that are invested in your partner changing, and make clear, compassionate invitations that leave room for choice.

If you've ever found yourself wishing your partner would "just do the work," this conversation is for you. 

In This Episode You'll Learn:

•  Why "attraction rather than promotion" is often the most effective way to share IFS 
•  How your own embodiment of Self-energy influences your partner more than any explanation ever could 
•  The hidden agendas that can sneak into our desire for a partner's growth 
•  How to use a "parts detector" to create more compassion and curiosity in your relationship 
•  A powerful question to ask yourself when your partner's parts are activated 
•  How to make a clear invitation instead of a vague request 
•  Why your partner's resistance may have less to do with IFS and more to do with how it's being presented 
•  The importance of honoring your partner's timeline and autonomy

And as promised in the episode – here is the structure (inspired by the work of Alison Armstrong) for making a powerful ask:

1. Start with Appreciation
2. Share What You're Wanting
3. Be Specific About What It Would Look Like
4. Share What It Would Provide for You
5. Ask What They Would Need to Say Yes
6. Explore a Way to Make It Reciprocal

Make sure to listen to the episode for a more in-depth explanation of how to use this framework! Enjoy. 

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🌈 Free resources + more from Bahia:
Bahia’s Unblending Meditation: https://bahiamiller.com/unblend
The Self-Led Love Checklist: https://bahiamiller.com/checklist
www.bahiamiller.com

🔮 For couples who are committed to growth and ready to build real emotional intelligence together using IFS — the Self Led Love Lab waitlist is open: https://bahiamiller.com/waitlist

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*Self-Led Love Podcast Disclaimer*

Self-Led Love is a space for reflection, education, and relational growth. The content shared here is offered for educational and informational purposes only, and reflects my lived experience and professional perspective as an Internal Family Systems–informed relationship coach.

Any stories shared on the podcast are either my own, anonymized, or composite examples drawn from real experiences. Identifying details have been changed to protect privacy and confidentiality.

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy, medical care, legal advice, or mental health treatment. While many listeners may find resonance, insight, or support through this...

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Welcome to Self-Led Love with me, your host, Bahia Miller. Together, using the powerful framework of internal family systems, we will take on the spiritual and also human curriculum of becoming radically responsible for our parts and how they show up and grow up in intimate partnership. I'm so glad you're here. Let's dive in. Maybe you've discovered IFS recently, or maybe you have been a diehard for years and you have been experiencing more and more spaciousness inside of yourself, more self-energy. It's so natural that you would want to share that with your partner. And sometimes that doesn't quite go as planned. Our partners can have a range of reactions from defensiveness to ambivalence. And when we come on perhaps too strong, we are likely met with defensiveness or skepticism. It's a beautiful thing to share IFS with a partner. We can have more nuance in difficulties. We have more compassion for ourselves, which leads to more compassion for each other and more clarity about what is going on. And so many people are coming into my world, working with couples, really hoping to be able to share this language and this way of working, this modality with their partners, the magic of IFS. And when they encounter some resistance, that can really be disheartening. So today I'm going to move through four gates of awareness, four places to be looking and stay curious about if you are hoping to be able to share the magic of IFS with your partner. And so the first place that we want to be looking and paying attention is your own work, your own relationship with the model and your own parts. Because the more that you commit to your own individual work, your connection to those parts of you, to your own self-leadership, the more you're in that embodiment of your own healing and growth, the easier it's going to be for your partner to notice that, to buy in. And in the world of 12-step, there is this saying, right? They talk about attraction rather than promotion. We don't need to shout from the rooftops about IFS in order for people to start noticing, hey, it looks like something's different. And actually, when we don't talk about the model and shout out about it, it does something to kind of safeguard and hold ourselves accountable for our own work, right? When we're not promoting it, we're actually embodying it and living it. So attraction rather than promotion. And as you are in that embodiment, there's another 12-step saying that I love here, which is to wear it like a loose garment, right? IFS gives us this really beautiful structure of being able to work with our protectors, with our exiles, our firefighters in the systematic way. But when we get too rigid or too intense about how great IFS is, then it can actually deter people from wanting to take a step in closer and get curious because they can just be a little bit put off. It actually causes a bit of polarization, I think, with people's openness and receptivity. So if you can take that image of wearing it like a loose garment into your mind, into your heart and attraction rather than promotion, staying in the embodiment of your work with some ease, that is our first kind of gate to move through. So the second place that I want you to pay attention to is the parts of you that are overly invested in the agenda of getting them onto the IFS train. Where are you making this invitation from? Is it from a need for them to be more self-aware and to change? Is it a need that you have for them to communicate with you in this way? Or is it really from a place of, you know, I want this for us. I want this for our intimacy, for our safety, for our connection. It's just good to know what the intention of those parts of you is. And sometimes, even with the best intention, as we know in this IFS relationship work, even with the best intention, those parts might land differently for your partner. The impact of those parts that really want them to do IFS to get in touch with this part of themselves, right? That might land as self-righteousness, as being this kind of obsessive IFS cult follower. It might land as coming from a part of you that's feeling scared and nervous or trying to fix them or making them wrong in their process, right? Maybe we're unintentionally shaming them. So really do that U-turn. This is that sacred U-turn, like getting curious. Like, where is this desire coming from? And how is it landing for them when I express that desire? Just getting in touch with the parts of you that so much want you and your partner to be living in this world of IFS together. Now, the next place I want you to look is a bit of a skill and a U-turn. And this is your ability to listen kind of through a parts detector and start unblending your partner in your own mind, not for them, but for you. You're unblending them in your own awareness so that you can say, oh, this is that part of them, that bah. And then you can maybe have some more compassion for that part of them, right? And not seeing them, this part of them that maybe jumps in the driver's seat as all of them, right? This is, I think, one of the main hopes in relationship that I have for folks with IFS, is that when we can start to see ourselves and our partners as more than just one part, right? More than just the angry part or the part that shuts down or the part that can't take feedback or what whatever the part is that is so infuriating, right? As we start to separate out them in our own consciousness, in our own listening, that can cause just more spaciousness. That is bringing IFS into the relationship. And I want to be careful because this is not to put all of the emotional labor onto one person. This is not to say it's your job to do all the heavy lifting behind the scenes. No, this is really intended to be an invitation for you to do your own relational work. You're not trying to do the work for them, but you're just trying to create more space so that you can have curiosity for what's going on with them. You can have compassion because it's good for you. It's good for them too. And so we have this magic question in IFS. You've maybe heard your therapist or your practitioner say to you, How are you feeling towards that part of you? Right. Well, I'll ask you to say that to a part of your partner as well. How am I feeling towards this part of my partner? Right. Because I might have a slew of parts that do not like that part, wish that part didn't exist, want to get rid of it, want them to become aware of it, all the different things. And if I am coming into a conversation or relating to my partner from any of those, they're going to feel it, they're going to get protective. And then we're probably back in our conflict cycle, protectors versus protectors, not making progress, feeling frustrated and like maybe the relationship is broken. And so if your partner is open to parts language, and we're going to get to that in the next one here, but if they're open to parts language, you know, you might be able to say, like, what is the part of you that does that? Like, what is what is that part of you, right? From this place of actual curiosity. Because we might even think that we we know our partner's history, we know why they do it, but like, can we be surprised? Can we suspend our, you know, thinking that we know all about them and what's right for them and where it comes from to really listen? Like, where does this come from for you? And if they're not open to parts language, right? To just know that you're talking to a part of them. Why do you do that? I'm really curious what your intention is when you try to do that, right? To really hold the positive intention of their parts, not to diminish the impact, right? There is absolutely a time and a place to speak up and advocate for ourselves about the impact of these parts. But to really, in moments where you have space to hold for your partner's parts, can you stay curious? Can you stay open, compassionate, maybe using parts language, maybe just talking directly to the parts? So we're embodying our own individual work. We are getting in touch with the parts of us that have an agenda for our partner to get on the IFS train. We are maybe unblending them in our own awareness and relating to their parts. How am I feeling towards this part of them? And then the last piece I want to share with you today is to make an ask, to make a direct invitation, because so many people think, I see this all the time, that they have invited their partner in, that they've asked when they haven't really done it in a clear way. And so I love this structure that relationship expert Allison Armstrong has created to ask for our needs to be met. And this is more of a want or an invitation than a need, but I'm still going to use her structure because I just, I just love it. And the first part is to offer appreciation. I'm so grateful for the work that we have done in our relationship. I'm so grateful that you can, you know, meet me in repair or these hard conversations, whatever it is that you're appreciating about them and the way that they've shown up in the relationship so far. The second part is to be really clear about what the need is or the want in this matter. Like I really would love if we can bring this IFS language and awareness into our relationship, this internal family systems modality, talking about our parts and sharing about them. Now, the third step in this format is to be really specific about what that would look like. So, okay, so we're not just leaving this to our partner to figure out. We're saying, oh, well, we could talk about our parts when we need to make repair for something that happens. We can, you know, say, oh, this part of me showed up, and then that part of you showed up, and we could do that together. We could just talk about the parts of us that are showing up in our lives outside of the relationship, right? The part of me that's struggling at work, the part of me that's coming up in parenting, whatever those parts are. And this is really where you get to shine in the creativity that I really feel is required in intimate long-term partnership. Like, what can you actually imagine parts work could be and look like with your partner? Right? Maybe it's around sex, maybe it's around money, all these different possible manifestations of how we could have more depth, to have more efficiency, clarity in our communication, more connection and intimacy. Like you really get to be the visionary and dream that dream and present it to your partner. And then the next part of this is to name what it would give you to have that shared language, to have this IFS modality as a way that you guys can be in communication with each other, right? This might provide for me safety in how I communicate about my parts. This might provide for me more clarity about who you are. This might help me get through our breakdowns, like at light speed, so much faster than it has. That's a selling point because no one likes to be stuck in the mud with their partner for days. I think this would provide for me more closeness with you. This might help me feel like we're on the same team. And so then you want to check, okay, are they are they with me? Are they following, right? They may not have agreed to it all yet, but are they still in the conversation or do they have some concerns, right? You might need to listen to any parts of them that are concerned. And then the next part of this is this question. It feels like a tricky question, but it's not so much. Just stay with me. Is there anything that you need me to give you so you can give me what I need? All right, did you get that? Is there anything you need me to give you so that you can give me what I need? I can imagine if I was making this invitation to my partner, he might say, I need you to be more patient with me. Okay, that's fair, right? Or who knows what our partner would will say? It's probably something that we struggle with, is what they're going to ask for. But you really need to check in like, what do they need to be able to meet me in this thing? And then the last piece, this is where it's really juicy and fun. Is there any way that I can show my appreciation for you showing up in this way? And our partner may have a need or a want or a desire that they've been sitting on that they might like you to join them and meet them in. And can we make it playful and fun? Is there a way that we can thank them for participating, for meeting us in this way, right? So it really becomes reciprocal. It's not just about one person who is begging for change and begging for growth and begging for healing. It becomes this collaboration of how can we both win in getting what we want. I really believe that our partners come into our lives to be teachers, to be our Tor mentors, but really our mentors. And the tour, the tour part of Tor Mentors is there for a while, especially when we're really unpacking some of the deeper layers that come from our family of origin. But how can we really lean in? Like if our job in the relationship, part of our purpose is to be beating the drum of healing, growth, transformation. Can we really also just see like what is the thing that they're here to offer me too? Right? Can we not make ourselves wrong for wanting to beat the drum of growth and evolution? And can we really like sink in and enjoy what they're bringing to the table? Right. Maybe they teach us to have more play, more ease, more pleasure, whatever the thing is that they are here to invite us into so that we don't get lost just thinking this is all about one thing. So to recap, you are living in the embodiment of your own IFS work, your connection to your parts, your cultivation of your self-energy, your own spaciousness. You're wearing it like a loose garment and you are focusing on attraction rather than promotion. Number two, you are aware and in touch with the parts of you that have an agenda, the coach part of you, the cheerleader part of you, the desperate to go deeper and heal together parts of you, self-righteousness, whatever those ones are, you are aware of them, you are clocking them, and you are responsible to help them give you space in this conversation. So it doesn't just end in this standoff polarization. Number three, you are compassionately and curiously doing your best to understand that they are a complex and nuanced person of multiplicity. You are able to unblend them kind of in your mind and stay curious and open and in conversation, either with or without parts language about what's going on with them, what's coming up with them. And you're maybe asking this question of how I am feeling. How am I feeling towards this part of them? And number four, you're being super clear with this ask, this invitation for them to try this out, to meet you in the realm of parts. And if it doesn't land the first time, let it go for a while. We have no idea what our partner's timeline should be, if this is even a modality that's going to resonate for them. Because, you know, for those of us that IFS has landed in a really deep place inside of ourselves, it's been life-changing. And it makes so much sense that we want to share that with the people we love the most. And it's not the perfect modality for everyone. I don't think it is. And so can we just take our foot off the gas after we've been really clear and creative and curious about if this is a place they can meet us and let time and let the self-energy of your relationship, because your relationship does have its own self-energy, unfold in other ways and stay open to that while you stay connected to what works for you in your own self-responsibility. And if you have the impulse to share this episode with your partner, I want you to take a beat and slow down because that may be the move. It may be um an excellent way to kind of create some trail heads to talk about what IFS might look like in your relationship. And again, this is an invitation to get curious about what parts of mine are driving the bus that want to send this podcast episode to them. What is the part of me that wants to do that? Why does it feel so important to me that we have this shared language? How can I lean more into my relationship with my own parts? And if your partner has some defenses that come up around this conversation, I just want you to stay curious and remember that you always get to decide if this is something that is right for you to stay in the relationship and work out, or if it's not. We are free as adults, we are free to decide who we are in relationship with. And that choice, that agency, that sovereignty is part of what makes the relationships we choose so much more powerful. And if you're needing a little bit extra support in unblending from the parts of you that may have some strong feelings around this invitation, around this conversation about using IFS in your partnership, I would love to share with you my unblending meditation. It's a beautiful 15 minute practice to get some space and understanding from these parts of us that jump in the driver's seat and start driving the bus. So you can find that linked here in the show notes. So thanks again for being here. I am sending lots of love and care in your direction, and I'll see you next time.