Mindful Grief

Grief doesn’t only hurt because we miss someone or something. It also hurts because we keep arguing with it. If you have ever thought, “I should be over this,” or “If I stop being sad, I’m forgetting them,” this conversation offers a different path: mindfulness of grief that treats sadness as a natural human energy, not a verdict on your strength or your love. 

We talk about the “sacred architecture of grief”, the real ways grief moves through the body and nervous system when we stop labelling it as good or bad. We share simple practices for softening judgment, making room for emotion, and letting grief flow without clinging or resisting. Along the way, I share a personal story of a scary moment that triggered a wave of fear and tears, and how a few minutes of stillness without a phone helped my system reset. 

You will also hear practical guidance for supporting someone who is grieving: why facing a person can make crying harder, how side-by-side or behind-the-griever positioning can help, and how a safe container matters more than perfect words. We explore “doorways” into grief such as breath, journalling, forgiveness phrases, naming fear, naming love, and even allowing anger and rage to come first. The takeaway is clear: grieving isn’t about getting over it, it’s about telling the truth of what you wanted and feeling what is here with care. 

If this resonates, subscribe, share the episode with someone who needs it, and leave a review. What’s one judgment you want to release about your own grief?

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Mindfulness Exercises with Sean Fargo is a practical, grounded mindfulness podcast for people who want meditation to actually help in real life.

Hosted by Sean Fargo — a former Buddhist monk, mindfulness teacher, and founder of MindfulnessExercises.com — this podcast explores how mindfulness can support mental health, emotional regulation, trauma sensitivity, chronic pain, leadership, creativity, and meaningful work.

Each episode offers a mix of:

• Practical mindfulness and meditation teachings
• Conversations with respected meditation teachers, clinicians, authors, and researchers
• Real-world insights for therapists, coaches, yoga teachers, educators, and caregivers
• Gentle reflections for anyone navigating stress, anxiety, burnout, grief, or change

If you’re interested in:

• Mindfulness meditation for everyday life
• Trauma-sensitive and compassion-based practices
• Teaching mindfulness in an authentic, non-performative way
• Deepening your own practice while supporting others

…you’re in the right place.

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Transcript

Welcome And The Grief Focus

SPEAKER_02 0:00

Welcome to the Mindfulness Exercises Podcast. My name is Sean Fargo, and today we're going to be exploring the sacred architecture of grief. Some people in our certification program asked some questions around how we can process our own grief, how we can help others grieve, what does it mean to grieve with a sense of mindfulness? And how can we really allow ourselves to grieve fully without holding on to it or resisting it? And so we're going to be starting this exploration by talking about how we often judge grief as being good or bad, right or wrong, and instead how we can shift our approach by just treating it as a natural human emotion and energy, honoring it as it comes. And we're going to be exploring how we can allow ourselves to really open to the fullness of grief. And there's different ways, there's different doorways to grief. So I hope this helps you to better understand some of these doorways, both for our own well-being as well as the well-being of others. In terms of grief, I do think that body-based practices, including the body scan, can be quite scary if we are holding a lot of grief. I think that this is maybe the number one needed specialty in the world is mindfulness of grief. Because a lot of us don't know how to grief, or we're not allowing ourselves to grief. I highly recommend our guest teacher workshop from Francis Weller. Francis Weller is a grief specialist, and we talked about mindfulness of grief. I've done quite a bit of work on this too. But there's ways of tending to our moment-to-moment experience that allows for grief to come up. And I think that it's really important to highlight that with mindfulness of grief or mindfulness of sadness, that it's really important to clarify that we're not trying to judge the grief or the sadness as being good or bad, right or wrong, that it's a natural energy, a very human energy that can be quite poignant and beautiful. And it's important that we allow ourselves to feel it. Maybe can we start by noticing whether we're judging our own grief as being good or bad? If we're judging it as being good, it may result in us holding on to it. And there are many reasons why we might do this. Maybe to honor someone, to think we should be feeling this more, or that we should always feel it. I mean, there's so many reasons why we may judge the grief as being good. So just noticing, am I judging it as being good? And to see if we can soften that judgment. And it may take weeks, but like, can I notice it and can I soften that judgment to get to a place where I can notice it as a natural energy? Maybe it's a beautiful energy, but I don't need to hold on to it. I can let it stay, I can let it go, I can let it flow, I can let the energy get bigger, I can let the energy get smaller, I can let it do whatever it wants. I can allow this energy to process instead of judging it as being this good thing, which may lead it to being the same thing. Or am I judging my grief as being bad? I shouldn't feel this. I'm too strong to feel this. I will be too consumed and overwhelmed by it if I allow myself to even touch it. So just noticing, am I judging the grief to be bad? And sometimes even just acknowledging these very simple yes or no questions is helpful. Oh, I'm judging it to be right or good. I'm judging it to be bad. Okay. Can I soften that judgment of it being bad? Maybe I can just acknowledge its presence and slowly, maybe over time, slowly softening the resistance, softening the judgment, just acknowledging it for whatever it is. And sometimes journaling can be quite helpful around this. But loosening this judgment of it being bad and getting to a place where it's again this more like natural energy, and allowing ourselves to get closer to it or allowing it to be felt with a gentle awareness, a gentle curiosity. This morning I dropped my daughter off at school. I was driving home and I saw something extremely scary. I think I saved a 10-year-old boy's life today. It shook me, and I got home and I noticed myself moving around quickly. I knew I was like, okay, Sean, I just need to like sit. But I wasn't letting myself. I was just like, okay, I gotta do this, I gotta do that. Like, you know, I had this long list of things. I'm like, I gotta get everything done. And I told my wife what had happened. She was really sweet about it. She like listened and then she like empathized with what I was feeling. Not everyone does that. My wife doesn't always do that. I don't always do that, but like today she did. And I was like, oh, that felt so good to be seen and be allowed to like feel it. And I said, Yeah, I think my nervous system just needs a break right now. And then I heard myself say that, and then I sat down. And I just sat in a chair with nothing. I didn't have my phone. I just sat there. Two minutes later I started crying. And that sadness and that fear came up. It was what I needed to feel, and I let myself feel it. And I wasn't wrapped up into the judgment of it being good or bad. It was just like, that's just whatever I was feeling, and I let myself feel it. Probably could have used more time to sit and process and feel. But I'm glad I spent 10 minutes total on it. I think just that as a start to mindfulness of grief is a good start of noticing judgment of our sadness or grief being good or bad and noticing that. There's a grief recovery handbook that's a free handbook that's widely recommended online. It's like a free ebook. The Francis Weller workshop is really, really, really, really great. For five years, I worked with this West African grief healer, Sabanfu Sommei. I can share more detail on grief healing for anyone who wants to go there. But my overarching point with all of this is to say that mindfulness and grief healing don't need to be like a separate thing, that we can bring mindfulness to our grief in trauma-sensitive ways that really help us to be present for these energies of sadness and grief. Because mindfulness is just being with whatever's here. And so if grief is here, then that's what we can bring mindfulness to. It's kind of curious what's coming up for anyone around this topic.

SPEAKER_00 8:42

When you made reference to judging whether the pulling on to the grief is good, that resonated with me because I felt like if I had to be sad, if I moved on from being sad, it's like I feel like I would have forgotten her or something. So I held on to that for a while until I was able to work through it and I was able to meditate again and sit with it and allow the feelings to come, but that really resonated. And also the other part of it where you say it should be bad because like my husband would ask, Oh, are you still going through this? I feel like okay, I should be stronger than this, I should be over this by now. That kind of thing. So that really resonated, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 9:23

Great, beautiful, very well said. Those are very common things. I should feel more of this, or I should be over this. My personal feeling is that there are some sadnesses we may just never be completely over. And I think that's okay. Francis Weller talks about moving from gratitude to grief to gratitude to grief many times in our lifetime as being a natural cycle. Some of us may grieve once in our life, some of us may grieve a hundred times or more. We all have different dispositions, different views on life and death and everything in between. But I think it's okay to grieve often, noticing if we're judging it, but if it just naturally comes up, then I think that's okay too. I do think that grieving is a beautiful human experience. Again, not judging it to be right per se, but like I think it's often like a testament of love. And it just speaks to how difficult it is to let go sometimes. To let go of people, to let go of plans, expectations, hopes, and sometimes just letting go and dropping the resistance of holding on. It speaks to this softening. It's scary to like open up to this uncertain moment that we may not like or we might be afraid of, or that we would prefer to be very different. And cultivating this gentle care for ourselves through the process is so important. Hi, Kate.

SPEAKER_01 11:26

So I would start and it would just without any thought or this is what I'm gonna focus on grieving today, it would just come and tears would be rolling down my eyes, and I'm sure my face was contorting. No one saw me. I wouldn't have been able to do that if I was sitting with someone, because I would have felt that just too I am I would say I'm quite certain I wouldn't have been able to experience that if I was with someone sitting when we're working with someone in a group, even, but particularly as an individual, is that something that's talked about? If I'm trying to say, okay, let's feel that you know we go into we're gonna and grief comes up and there's a stop. I would not have been able to do the work I was doing if I was facing you, Sean, even though you are right, if we were even on Zoom. Other work we do is not visible, that you can't your face contorts, and I'm sure temperature change and color changes.

SPEAKER_02 12:22

Yeah, I think this is a really important point. Maybe I'll get to the crux of it and then explain it. If you are behind them, it's much easier. If you give them an option to ask you to put your hand on their back. That can also be very helpful. Usually while they're on the ground. I mean, there's many points that can be made about the setting, the preparation, the guidance into grief. I've been over with over a thousand people grieving in group context and also in solo contexts. Or solo like with a guide, where I've been the guide and sometimes I'm the griever. I agree with you. It's difficult to grieve facing someone. It's difficult for me. And I think most people would agree. If both people are facing the same way, especially facing something meaningful in my experience, especially on the ground, maybe a soft ground, maybe they're clutching something very memorable of what they're grieving, that they can also let go of physically, allowing them to be on all fours, allowing them to sit. They can stand if they want to, allowing them to lay down in the fetal position. Box of tissues. I find like bowls of water to be really helpful around. Obviously, a safe container, no phones, no people walking in and out, obviously. Having the option of like you as the guide to put your hand on their back. I don't want to say like an adjective around it. Sometimes just touch itself can be helpful for the grieving process. A hand on the back is usually felt as being safe and supportive. There have been moments for me as the griever where I'm like kind of getting close to grieving, and then I'll ask someone to put their hand on my back. I'm not trying to sound hyperbolic, but like literally, the instant the hand goes on my back, instantly grief will come out sometimes. And I don't know what that is. I like to think of it as some sort of like magic or something. But anyway, some people really benefit from a hand on their back and no talking. That's my personal preference. And usually the way I've seen it taught and conducted, there's usually no talking from the guide during the grieving. If you're trained and you find certain words are helpful, go for it. There's usually like helpful guidance beforehand that can be quite helpful. But as they're grieving, sometimes it's helpful to not say too much. So anyway, I'm just kind of speaking to your specific point about facing someone. And I agree with you. I think it's difficult.

SPEAKER_01 15:31

That was really, really helpful. That makes a lot of sense. My closest teachers during this period, one of the things that she said, I don't even know if she remembers saying it was basically you're so lucky to be going through this period because it's only during these severe grief periods that we're able to access parts that just aren't accessible to us otherwise. And while I was going through this and I see it as something I remember, it's like, oh, and I do recognize I don't have access to those, whatever that was. It was an interesting comment that I think some people might see as cold, like you're lucky to be going through this terrible thing. But she was able to say it in a way. It's like, I just took it and noted it. That's really, really helpful about setup and framing and the way you can alter. That's really helpful. Thank you.

SPEAKER_02 16:21

Yeah, I think sometimes certain kinds of sounds can be helpful. I want to say the word music, but like helpful sounds, maybe nature sounds or fluid. Everyone's different. Considering sounds that may help them to access that can be helpful. Seen a lot of people resonate with drum sounds, certain kinds of incense.

SPEAKER_01 16:45

How do we figure out what sound or smell would work? Smell, I imagine we asked, but how do you go through how's this? How's this? How's this? What do you do?

SPEAKER_02 16:55

Yeah, talking about it, getting a sense for them, giving them options. Like I can turn this off, I can invite the these drum sounds. Would it be okay if we try this smell? What kind of space feels helpful? Inside, outside, how's the temperature? Maybe they have a favorite blankie or some photos. They can call upon ancestors, spirits, guides, making it clear that whatever comes up for them is honored. Maybe no grief comes up, but it's totally okay. Maybe anger and rage comes up. That's totally okay. Maybe they need to yell before grief comes up. It's quite common to like how dare you think I was just gonna curse, but I decided not to. How dare you go to hell? This should not be happening. What just happened? This sucks. And then rage, fists on the ground, and then sometimes tears start flowing after that. I mentioned forgiveness practice earlier. Sometimes it starts there. I'm sorry, or I forgive you, or I forgive myself. Sometimes deep breathing allowing the nervous system to access the grief physically or naming our fear. I'm afraid. I'm terrified. Or naming our love. I love you. I love myself. Please love me. So these are doorways. For me this morning, I wanted the boy to be safe. I drove up to him. He was on a bike. He almost got hit by a car, but I was like honking furiously at this other oncoming car that stopped like two feet in front of him. I drove up to the boy who was like two blocks away by the time I got to him. And I rolled down my window. I said, Hey, you almost got killed. Please stop at the stop signs. Make sure cars stop. Like, do you understand me? He said, Yes. I said, You almost got killed. I was like kind of yelling at him. He's like, okay. I'm like, I don't want you to get hurt. And he looked over at me. He said, thank you. I said, please be careful. He said, okay. And then I drove away. But I made it clear that I care about him. I said, I don't want you to get hurt. And I think he understood it. To me, that was the core of it. I don't want him to get hurt. So what's at the core? Naming what we wanted. I wanted this. I didn't want that. And allowing ourselves to yell at, yell it, or whatever. Like not be afraid of saying what's real. What is it? And exclaim it if we need to. To feel it. Grieving isn't about getting over it per se. It's about feeling what's here. And sometimes that means honoring it, even if it's messy, even if it sounds ridiculous, even if it seems like I know better than that. Or I can rationalize a better way to say that. No. Just say what's freaking real. Get to the core of it. I didn't want you to die. I wanted to keep that job. I didn't want you to break up with me. I wanted a life of this. I needed that. Whatever it is. Say it. Feel it. And that means that we need to give ourselves a space without screens to go inward. And we can have one person there, we can have a thousand people there, maybe behind us, who are supportive of whatever comes up. As grievers, we might feel embarrassed, but the preparatory part of this work, if we're helping others to grieve, is to make it clear that we love them. And that whatever comes up, even if it's really messy or embarrassing, is totally okay. It's not about getting a certain number of tears or healing all of our wounds or being a perfect non-judger of things.

SPEAKER_01 21:41

Thank you very much for all your words, thoughts, and feelings.