011: Rediscovering Playful You

Join Heather and Leah as we discuss the following in our podcast.

• Why women lose playfulness in adulthood

• The pressure to always be productive

• Guilt around doing things just for enjoyment

• Trying new hobbies in midlife

• Rediscovering things you loved as a child

• Permission to be silly again

We hope you're walking away from our podcast feeling heard, encouraged, and empowered to live out your version of letting go loudly.

Heather and Leah are two midlife women, two coaches and two friends who finally got tired of living by the rules we never agreed to.    

Join us weekly for our Letting Go Loudly podcast.

Please save, like , follow and leave your comments. Connect with us and other women who are also navigating through this season of life and learning to let go loudly through our Instagram @lettinggoloudly. Got questions, comments or a topic you want us to cover? Reach out at lettinggoloudly@gmail.com.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:01

Heather, I had this moment the other day where I realized something slightly tragic about adulthood. Uh-oh, Leah.

SPEAKER_00 0:09

That sounds like a confession.

SPEAKER_01 0:11

Well, it is sort of. I realized that somewhere between raising my kids, running my house, paying all the bills, and trying to be a responsible mother and human, I completely forgot how to play and have fun in my life.

SPEAKER_00 0:31

I mean, when you're a kid, fun is automatic. But when you become a mom and an adult, fun seems to become scheduled. And sometimes fun just disappears. Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 0:42

And suddenly you're in midlife, and someone says, What do you do for fun? And your brain just kind of goes blank. I've been asked that question and I didn't know what to say. Like, what do I do for fun? Wow.

SPEAKER_00 0:56

I don't know. Well, and the running joke in our family is, Mom, you're great at getting stains out. Like they think that's my playtime in the laundry room. Yes, they think that that's my that's the big joke. You want are you bored, mom? You want to help me get some stains out?

SPEAKER_01 1:10

So exactly. Today we're talking about something that sounds simple, but it's actually really profound. And it's rediscovering fun and playfulness in midlife. Welcome to Letting Go Loudly, the podcast you never knew you needed. We're your hosts, Leah Lannham and Heather Hetchler, two midlife women, two certified coaches, and two friends who finally got tired of living by the rules we never agreed to. Around here, quiet compliance is officially canceled. We're letting go loudly and taking you with us.

SPEAKER_00 1:42

Now back to our show. So, Leah, let's start with some honest truth. I mean, somewhere along the way, many of us were taught or learned or somehow picked up on it that being responsible meant being serious.

SPEAKER_01 1:55

Right. And fun became something that was, well, pretty much optional or maybe even a little selfish.

SPEAKER_00 2:03

But I think here's the reality of it playfulness is not childish. It's actually essential for joy, creativity, and emotional health. I mean, playfulness is good for our soul.

SPEAKER_01 2:14

You're right. And in midlife, when our roles start to shift to shift with our kids going, you know, our careers are changing, suddenly, suddenly we have a little bit of space again. But sometimes we don't even know what to do with our space. You know, where do we go? What are we interested in? We haven't nurtured anything along the way. So, gosh, is it time to start something new, look for something different, or go back to what we liked before? That's a big question there.

SPEAKER_00 2:44

Yeah, and sometimes all three of those, or even like, you know, I think we've talked about this, and I know I've heard from clients when I've asked that question, what do you do for fun? And sometimes I just get a blank stare. Like, and then there's tears because I don't even know what I like to do anymore.

SPEAKER_01 2:58

Yeah, like you feel lost a little bit in your own in your own creativity. Yes, and because you don't really have any ideas of what you want to do. And sometimes in midlife, too.

SPEAKER_00 3:07

And my husband jokes, he says that um empty nesting is dating with money uh because the kids are gone and it's just you. But sometimes you look at each other and you're like, what do you want to do? And sometimes it's just creating fun out of the everyday. Yeah, it can be doing stuff at home, it can be going somewhere, going out, but it doesn't have to be anything expensive. That's true. It can just be doing something. So I was just wondering, too, what you think like why women lose their playfulness in adulthood. We talked a little bit about that, but any more insights?

SPEAKER_01 3:34

Well, I I feel like we're we just get into such routines with our kids and we're, you know, we're doing, doing, doing all the time, and we're not really thinking about ourselves. We're not thinking about, wow, I'd really like to, you know, do some painting. Or you you just we we're just not thinking of ourselves. I think we spend so much time worrying about everybody else that we're not we're not thinking on those lines. And then when everyone's gone, you know, when the kids are starting to move out and you're looking at your husband across the dinner table, and you're thinking, oh my gosh, like is this what is this is this it? You know, is this what we've come to? Like we have no kids around and we're staring at each other. Are we gonna go watch a show again tonight? Or are we gonna, you know, there's there's things you could do, like you could pick up pickleball or you know, do something fun. Right, do something fun. So yeah, I think it's kind of interesting. Do you have any like things that you like to do now that your kids are gone?

SPEAKER_00 4:33

Well, I was thinking about this this topic as we were preparing for the podcast. And I think, you know, when I was when I was a young mom, I truly had fun with my kids. Like it was fun to get on the floor and play with them and take them and go swimming and do all this stuff. And so their fun kind of became my fun. Yeah. And I did always love date night and protected that. And then when they're gone, there is a big void because the things that you did that you really did enjoy that were fun are and so it's really it's kind of learning. But I think too, when we talked about, I do think for me personally, and I think for a lot of women, I felt like, well, to be responsible, you did have to be more serious. And I think even looking back, I you know, not to be, you know, not to genderfy this, but I think sometimes like the dads typically tend to be the more fun parent sometimes, and the moms are the more like stern and well getting homework organized, yeah, the scheduler, right? Getting everything done. Yeah. And so, you know, that's kind of our role. Like, if we don't keep it together, the house doesn't run. Right. So we almost learn to kind of push down that playfulness because we gotta, you know, we get busy, yeah, meals to make, grocery shopping, all the things. Yeah. And so I think, you know, and I think there is a pressure to be productive, but I think you know, flipping this on its side and looking at playfulness as productive is an important reframe. And if you look at playfulness as being productive, even being productive in your marriage, like when you play together and you laugh together, you bond with each other.

SPEAKER_01 5:58

Oh, absolutely. And I think a lot of women that are our age, we lose that playfulness in maybe, you know, even like in the bedroom, or I hate to say that, but you know, it's true. We lose that playfulness, and sometimes that's the cause for demise, really, in in communicating with your spouse because you're not on those levels anymore where you're enjoying like your children together and playing, or maybe you're out playing frisbee with your kids, or whatever it is. You you lose that. And then when it comes to just you and your spouse, you're like, Oh, well, what you know, what are we gonna do for fun? You know, what is it about? So I think it's really important to try some new hobbies in your midlife. Try to maybe make some um new friends who have different interests than you. Like, I have a girlfriend that is always asking my husband, I to play Euchre. Okay. So she's she she asks me every time. She has a Euchre party party, maybe once or twice a quarter. And she always asks, and I always say, I play Euchre, but Chris doesn't like Euchre. She's like, Oh, come on, can't he like Euchre? Can he play? I said, He knows how to play, but he likes Terenig all the time. So do you want him on your team? And she's like, Oh, well, can't you come? So it's one of those things where you need to do something to get together. So euchre's probably not the one for us.

SPEAKER_00 7:19

Yeah, because you do kind of have to meet in the middle. Or and both of you might even, if there's things that you uh like that you like that he doesn't like, maybe he does something that you like and just tries it, and then you try something that he, you know, that he likes. And you know, that's some advice too that I I give to couples, whether they're like doing really well or not, is do shoulder-to-shoulder activities, right? So shoulder-to-shoulder activities where you're like you're doing things walking, biking, cooking, and that's playfulness, right? And so that kind of goes together because if couples are having a difficult time communicating or they're just stuck in a rut, um, doing things together opens it up because you start doing things, going for a walk, dancing, uh, going for a bike ride. Um it makes you start to laugh. Yeah, it makes things like, you know, I love, you know, I I've tried my husband is an outdoorsman. And so you know, in the beginning, I was like, I love camping because I loved him. And then I started camping, and I'm like, uh, I don't really love this. But he loved it so much that I actually started to love it because of the joy he had. And you and I do this element. Yes, I'm like, my only two. I'm like, I want to have coffee in the morning, and I want to, if we're gonna be camping a lot with the kids, I want a trailer with a bathroom. Those are my two requirements. And so we we got that. That's perfect. But um, we you know, we go four-wheeling, and you know, I actually like getting on the back of the four-wheeler and going through the mud. It's it was it would would it be something I would have picked? No, right, and now he loves going, like I think he loves, or he he acts like he loves, going to art museums. Like, I love art museums, I love going to musicals. I was smart enough to take him to Hamilton, yeah, because I'm like, oh, I think now he's like, is this what all musicals are like? I love it. He's like perfect, yes. He's already plays the soundtrack, but but just finding things that both of you can enjoy and putting yourself out there, even if you don't like if he wants to go maybe shoot golf balls, I don't know if that's even the right language, and you're like, I have no desire, you maybe just go do it.

SPEAKER_01 9:15

I I had to do that last last summer. Yeah, it's one of those things he's like, Oh, let's go over the trine and do some golf balls. I'm like, Okay. Yeah, because he's inviting you to do something. Yes, and I was like, I'll do it. Yeah, now what do I do? And he he like took great pleasure in showing me how to how to do it. And I I whack some balls, I'll let you know. He was like, Wow, I love that. So that's even more fun because then I was okay with it, you know, like, all right, I'm not so bad at this. It's something new, and it was fun, it was a beautiful day, and I enjoyed it.

SPEAKER_00 9:46

Sharing ideas out, you know, it's it's just and just making you know, my husband actually is really good at finding the fun in life. He's way better than me. Like, I like to play, but I still have a more I think serious side. Yeah, and he can be super serious at work. But like one thing we do, and I might have mentioned on the podcast before, but you're we uh when we when we go to like CVS to get our prescriptions, we can get the like toilet paper receipt, and then we stay and see how many items we can get for like zero almost. Yeah, and so he'll be like, Hey, then we got a six dollar coupon this one, four dollar you split up, we go here, we go here. But it's so ridiculous that we're laughing, yeah, and we'll end up buying stuff that we don't even really need, but he'll he'll he just his goal is to like pay like 18 cents. Yes, he's like he is odd, but you know what?

SPEAKER_01 10:31

It's just funny. It is funny, and I know you've said before like you go to the happy hours and see how how much you can not pay.

SPEAKER_00 10:38

Yes, we'll go to like a happy hour and see what we can get for 20 bucks, and you know, and it's just a fun way to try different things, and yeah, and then it's a bond. Like he'll bring like the other day, he was like, Remember that one restaurant we got this and this and this, and we were trying to figure, remember which one it was. And so it just when you play, you create memories, yeah. And when you have memories, you have a bond.

SPEAKER_01 10:58

I like that, yeah. And it is a give and take, like you said, you have to do, you know, something that he likes, something that you like. I uh I asked my husband to come to a yoga class with me that I really liked in town. This is a couple of years ago, he's like, Oh, yeah, how hard can that be? You know, because I kept talking about it. Yeah, it's really a challenge. He's like, I'm going, I'm gonna go with you, and we're gonna see how challenging this was. So we're halfway done with the class, and I look over at him, and the um one of the owner actually came in with a towel and put it under his head because he was dripping sweat all over his mat. And she's like, We don't want you to slip. So she put this towel there, and I thought, oh gosh, he'll never be back. And sure enough, we got done, and he's like, Okay, that was hard, and I don't know if I like it. And I said, But you did it, you know, and we did together and we didn't. And now, when you talk about what you do, he knows he has a little bit more insight. Yeah, I try to get him back. I'm like, there are easier classes, you don't have to go, no, I think I'm good. But he tried it, and we have a lot of laughs just thinking about it now. So that's a good memory.

SPEAKER_00 12:08

Yeah, I love that. Yeah, I love that. And you know, I think that um sometimes there can even be guilt around doing things just for enjoyment, like you should be doing something different. But if that's something that I think our listeners struggle with, I think it's something to like let go of. And how do you do that? Like when it comes to mind, like ask yourself, like, okay, I feel guilty, but why do you feel guilty? Is it because you feel like there's pressure, or do you think someone's gonna judge you? Right because you have to do what works for you, and it's a good thing to have some fun. I mean, it is fun bonds, whether it's with your husband, with your girlfriends, with your kids, or your grandkids, yeah, it's important to play.

SPEAKER_01 12:44

And I I really have to uh to hit on that a little bit. I sometimes have guilt because I really loved to paint and do different creative things, and I find like myself trying to pressure myself to go be creative, and that doesn't work because and if you're a creative person and you're trying to force yourself back into being creative when you haven't done a lot, it doesn't work. I mean, creative people cannot just up and be creative. You you might have to be guided by your, you know, by your just your the way that you are and by that creative nature, and so I sometimes feel that guilt, and I don't like that to to feel guilty that I'm not painting or being creative. And so I understand that. And and with our readers, you do have to let go of that. If you were a painter one time in your life and people refer to you as, oh, she's a great painter, or oh, you should see her watercolors, and you're not doing that now, and things have changed for you, that's okay. That's all right. Let it go. Let it go. Find something else that you enjoy. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 13:48

And I think too, the the creativeness is even if you just start trying for a little bit, because if you are a creative person, I think if you don't do anything creative, you can feel drained. And that's the reason sometimes you feel drained because I do a group. You can you don't give yourself permission to play. And I learned that the hard way too, because I love to write. I'm a writer, and you know, things were busy and I wasn't doing any writing, and I was just feeling like I told the Andy, I'm like, something's I'm just not feeling right. Like something feels off. And I'm like, you know what? I'm gonna take two hours this morning, I'm just gonna journal. And like after that, I just felt like so much better. Yes. And I didn't really, I don't even know what I wrote, honestly. Yeah, but I just sat there with a cup of coffee, listened to the birds, and I just let myself like release. And I thought, you know what, I need to make sure that I'm intentional to do this all the time because that's a way for me to just like let things flow and just you know, release things. And so when we don't allow ourselves to to do something creative, or if that's our nature, I think it can affect us.

SPEAKER_01 14:47

Oh, yeah. There's definitely blockages, you know, that occur when you when you're kind of uh not allowing yourself to be creative or have that outlet. I think that you do get blockages and and you may not even one uh you know understand why that's happening. You know, you may until after you do something missing, yes, and then you do something creative or fun that you've enjoyed, and you're like, oh wow, what a change of mind, you know, what a braframe.

SPEAKER_00 15:13

So what do you think about like for people that might be listening are like you know what, these all sound great, but like nothing's really nothing's really resonating with me. Like, I just don't have fun anymore. Because I I do hear that from some women, like I just don't have fun, I don't know how to have fun. Okay.

SPEAKER_01 15:27

First thing I would say is create your own fun. If you enjoyed, you know, having talks with your friends and you enjoy a coffee, invite your friends over. Okay, make that fun for yourself. The only one responsible for it is you. If you're saying you're not fun anymore, make your fun, you know, be fun. You know that you're a fun person at heart and bring that back to yourself because it is easy as we age to not want to invite some friends over for coffee because maybe your house isn't cleaned or whatever. Let's let's get away from that, let's let go of that and think about the relationships instead. And I think that when you when you do that, I think it'll be a lot easier to um invite that playfulness back and have some fun. And a lot of times when you do things sporadically like that and um not planned, and it's just at the spur of the moment, like, hey, you guys want to come over? Some of the best times are bad when you do that.

SPEAKER_00 16:23

Absolutely. And I think sometimes the feeling follows. So, like you might be struggling, like, I just don't feel like it, I don't feel like doing anything. And then you do it and you're like, oh my gosh, I loved it. Like sometimes you might not want to, but I just want to encourage you, push yourself a little bit to do something and start small then, have a friend over, or go for a walk, or text somebody and see if they want to meet at the park. In fact, I had Leah over the other day, and I was like, I'm just gonna get in front of this. I got some snowmen out. It's March. Okay, so there's some Christmas decorations that are still out, and I'm not gonna apologize, just so you know. But I'm like, I'm not gonna let that stop me from having friends over. And real friends don't care. No, I don't even care. I don't see them. I know I don't know where they're at. Well, they're just such a part of my decor now that you don't even want to. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 17:06

And I think things like that, we worry too much in our minds about how other people are gonna perceive us, and we don't need to do that.

SPEAKER_00 17:14

Yeah. And I think, you know, even once you start the fun, I think it gets easier because, like, even for me, sometimes like I'll be at Target with my girls and uh musical come on and I'll start to dance a little. They're like, Mom, please. I'm like, I don't care. I like the song, yeah, I haven't heard it for 10 years, and I still remember the lyrics, so I'm gonna have a little dance in the aisle, and they're like, Oh my gosh. And the best part about brittle age is that is that we don't have that hold back thing anymore.

SPEAKER_01 17:39

We're like, who cares? I don't care.

SPEAKER_00 17:41

And if someone wants to judge me for celebrating the fact that I remember lyrics, I'm okay with it. You know what I mean? So, but yeah, I mean, just let yourself have some fun, and I think giving yourself permission to be silly again, and you don't need our permission, but I think talking about this topic, you know, if this resonates with you, think about when's the last time you really laughed, or yeah, when's the last time you had fun? And even thinking about like movies, when's the last time you went to a movie theater? We don't even go to movie theaters that much anymore streaming. You're right. But you know what, middle of the day, if you get a chance to sneak out or at night, go see a movie. And you can go by yourself too.

SPEAKER_01 18:12

You can go see a movie, you can go see a movie, you can you can go buy yourself a whole thing of popcorn and eat it all. Yeah, put butter on it exactly. Yeah, so there's a lot of things we can think of. You know, I I find that sometimes just turning on the music and dancing, yes, you know, turn on what you like. Yes, nobody's around, and you just dance for a few minutes. It actually gets your your heart rate up and you it it's kind of fun. Dance out any way, any way you want to. There's no judging when there's nobody else around. So the artist, the traveler, the dancer, the dreamer, the woman who did things just because they made her smile. So if you're listening today and you realize that fun has quietly disappeared from your life, this is your reminder. Play is not a luxury, it is your fuel. Your takeaway today is simple. Ask yourself a question this week. What sounds fun to me right now?

SPEAKER_00 19:11

And then do it. Even if it's small, even if it feels silly, even if you feel embarrassed, just play.

SPEAKER_01 19:18

Because midlife isn't the end of your joy, it might actually be the beginning of rediscovering yourself.

SPEAKER_00 19:26

And there you have it, another episode of Letting Go Loudly is in the books. We hope that you're leaving feeling restored and remembering that play is not a luxury, it's fuel for your day. If you like this episode and resonating with you, please like, follow, and share. And follow us on Instagram at Letting Go Loudly. We're looking forward to continu connecting to you, connecting with you, and talking about the topics that matter to you. Until next time. Bye bye.