Claim Your Clam: A Practical Guide to Flap Clapping

Yo Mamma delivers the public health announcement nobody else has the guts to make. This week is all about daily masturbation: not for men, not for sex, but for your hormones, your sanity, and your standards.

Yo Mamma talks meat beating like you need to hear. She shares her early days of flap clapping in the shower; the truth about penis-shaped vibrators; and why your clit should tingle at least every 24 hours, for your health.

If men can clear their pipes daily without shame, women can absolutely claim their clam. Consider this your practical manual for self-regulation, hormone literacy, and keeping mediocre partners far away from your bed.

A clarity sermon disguised as filth.
A wellness guide disguised as comedy.
A self-ownership episode you won’t forget.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:00

You're tuned in to BDBD. Bitch, don't be dumb. I'm your mama. No daddy's allowed. Bitches. And as we approach episode four, number one, shout out the real bitches, the bitches that have been here for episode one, two, and three. Because your mama looks at the stats, and I know y'all are the same ten bitches that have been listening every week. Shout out. And as somebody that doesn't even have ten friends, I mean, that's fucking that's a good start. Honeys. So I hope you're having a good week. Today is December 10th. That's right. We like to be in live time and roll time. Because this is your mama. I'm here with you, ladies. How was your week, honeys? My week could have been better, but it also could have been worse. And that's always an important thing to remind ourselves as genuinely privileged women. Because we wouldn't be sitting around with our little electronic devices communicating in our little corner of the world if, you know, I wasn't a lucky bitch. So, hello, ladies. Happy Wednesday. Let's get it. You know, I had a complete different idea for this week's episode originally. It was going to be don't cake your face, like the makeup fucking drama, which we might address next week. But for this week, surprisingly, I am listening to our budding audience, tell your friends, beatty beatty, don't drop it, don't stop it. And in doing that, I realized we need to talk about whacking off. Whack off Wednesdays. Okay, whack off Sunday to Friday. This episode is dedicated to masturbation. And the reason that we're gonna talk about meat beating this week, and I'm talking female about, okay, be warned. I will talk about fucking salami slapping, meat beating, clit titling, flap clapping. However, I choose to refer to masturbating, y'all know what I'm talking about. Be warned. Because it's about to get vulgar. But the way that I came to light was because I had a horoscope on one of the random apps that I don't usually look at, but someone told me I should, and it told me to touch myself. I'm like, bitch, that is some accurate ass shit. And when I shared it with my friends, all of y'all in the InstaWorld, I gotta get on the TikTok, but whatever, that's fucking business. Who cares? Well received. Well received. My women are well receiving. Our ladies are all very happy with the topic of masturbating. So you know what? That's what we're gonna talk about this week. Let's get into it. First time your mama masturbated, uh, there's never been a shower massager that mattered to me as much. I actually probably haven't been as clean as I was in high school. Not because I'm taking like irregular showers, it's just that I'm not taking like 90-minute showers. You know what I'm saying, ladies? If you are living under a rock and have not had the privilege of masturbating with a shower massager, girl, I was gonna say go to a triple six. Don't maybe don't go to a six motel. That might not be the most, but you know what? Do yourself a favor, treat yourself, okay? Your mama's talking, go to a hotel with a nice shower, take that shit down and learn you something. Now, as the world evolves, for me personally, my masturbating journey like has it's been a journey. It's a go-it's an ongoing journey. Let's say it's an adventure. It should be a daily adventure. Masturbating should be as common as brushing your fucking teeth, women. And I'm gonna tell you all about that. Hormones matter, releasing good chemicals matter. We all love our dopamine, it's why everyone's laying in bed with a fucking light in their face at one in the morning trying to feel something. You know what you need to feel? I was gonna say double AA batteries, but I'm showing my age because you don't even need batteries anymore, bitch. You can charge that shit off the phone. You need a rechargeable, masturbating device. And it doesn't matter what kind of device you choose, there are many, many to choose from. And you know, you can take your fucking pick. So these days, I don't even know. Let me look at the label. My current vibrator, I try to change it up every couple of months because, and just so you know, you get that, ladies, it needs a charge. It actually needs a charge. But I literally just took it out of the jaw out of the drawer just then. This is like, I can't remember the name of it off the rip, but it's like one of like the clit tickler ones. Like, it's conf I should put a picture. I'm gonna put a picture of it up. So I will put I will post because I can't think of the brand, but we'll post the vibrator with this week's podcast clips so y'all know what I'm talking about. It's a good one. When you see the picture, if you haven't tried it yet, try it. So after I like got beyond the shower head and started to like explore devices, and obviously when you're in college, all your boyfriends want you to use a fucking dick-shaped vibrator. Bitch, first of all, if I have a man and he has a dick, why do I want my toy to be dick-shaped? Like, that doesn't even make sense. And look, if that's what gets your rocks off and you want to have two dicks all around and you got some fucking, you know, it's all about electricity, is what I'm trying to say, sisters. It doesn't really matter the shape. And I'm not saying, like, if you are a personal woman and your preference is a penis-shaped vibrator, have at it. I'm saying don't let a dude tell you that your vibrator needs to be shaped like a penis because it makes him feel better or fulfill some kind of like homosexual fans. Because let's face it, most men are gay, right? That's another topic. It took me four husbands to find a straight one, and I finally did thank the Lord. I'm just kidding. Actually, out of my four husbands, one of them was gay. Like my first husband, that motherfucker, anyways. I think he was gay. But then obviously, after going through that, the husbands two, three, and four were very heterosexual. So, in that regard, I don't really use a vibrator in the bedroom. I don't see the point. If you want to, that's on you, in my humble experience. If I'm getting fucked right, I don't really see the need to take out my batteries. Now, however, even if my husband is fucking me every day, when he goes out to like, I don't know, get a pack of cigarettes, trust and believe that's what's coming out of the draw. Are you kidding me? When he falls asleep at whatever time and I'm up at three in the morning, like, trust and believe it's coming out of the draw. Yours should too. Never ever let a man, or anybody for that matter, fuck with your vibrator. Um, I remember at Pride Parade in New York City, ha ha, when somebody tossed us all like bullet vibrators. I had that little bullet vibrator in my pocketbook, like, until I blew that shit out finally. And probably took about two or three years. That was the end of that. You do not know when you might need a vibrator, and they're all not that convenient to carry around. So, as we continue our journey through the masturbation lane, and don't get me wrong, ladies, one of my best friends, once upon a time, was all about her fingers, and that was that. And we had this conversation many, many times because I was like, oh no, girl, I've got this in my bag. This is where it's at, this is what's going on. And then my beautiful friend, whose name I won't mention, because you know, I'm not trying to dox any like real ones, was all about the two-finger shuffle name, side to side, lick it and stick it, do what you gotta do. And she was about that life beautiful. I'm not saying I've never fucking like twiddled my diddle. I'm not scared to put my fingers down there, but you know, realistically speaking, if you're just like a real ass bitch trying to blow off some steam, it's amazing what we can do with the vibrator, isn't it, ladies? So shout out to everybody that liked the touch yourself fucking post, accompanied by the divinals. Life-changing for our younger listeners. If you have not heard I touch myself by the divinals, do yourself a fucking favor right now. And if you have a man, do him a favor tonight and he will propose to you. All I'm saying is that masturbation, it's kind of like the untalked about, right? Like you hear, like, you know, the the girls in the podcast like to throw out a, oh yeah, I do this, I do that. Do you, honey? Do you really? I feel like you have to be at least 40 years old to re- I mean, 30 37 until you're 37 years old. And trust me, I told you, I have been, I probably was about, I feel like, I would have been 15 or 16 when I got my shower massager on, which I learned about, because this is in the 80s. Shout out, shut out, or maybe, how long years old? That was the early 90s, but as an 80s baby who like or who like grew up reading Cosmopolitan magazine, shower massager. I knew that's where I had to go, and I successfully explored and I figured out my own body until I fucked anybody because that was actually really important. Because I'm like, this is your mama talking, and I am not a regular bitch, none of us are ordinary bitches. Part of my story is being uh in tune with myself, spiritually, physically, mentally, from out the woman. Don't drop it, don't stop it. So, therefore, I had it in my head, because I was always boycrazy. I'm like, but I'm not gonna fuck anyone until I'm 18. I have four older sisters, so a little of it was instilled through them or just observing, but 18 seemed like a reasonable time to spread my legs to fuck somebody. Interestingly enough, no man broke my fucking shit. Like my hymen was a self-induced rupture because I, even as a teenage girl who does genuinely like men, was not going to give that to anybody. Not my body. That's your mama, and that's how I thought back when I was literally fucking 15 years old in like 1992. Take a page from my book. I'm not telling you to break your own hymen, little girls, but you know what? If you're really gonna let somebody fucking get in you like that, think about it first. Nevertheless, by the time I was 18, I fucking knew how to beat off. I had fucking broken my own hymen. I was like out of high school, for example. I was in college. I'm like, okay, I guess I'm gonna fuck my boyfriend. And by the way, that was my high school sweetheart boyfriend. So, you know, he fucking put in the time. I made that dude wait for like two years, which is really nothing in hindsight. Again, thank God I don't have any daughters. For all of you with daughters, I bow down. I bow down to all, first of all, I bow down to every single one of us as women, as women, as ladies. You don't need to have a kid to be a woman. That's fucking bullshit. That'll be an episode. However, to my sisters that do have, you know, the young ones and the female young ones, takes one of no one shit. Anyways, that is my masturbating to losing my fucking V plates to blah blah blah. Now, obviously, after I dumped that dude and was like, well, I guess I'm just gonna like have sex. Thank God I knew how to masturbate. Such a critical, it's like, why is it so normal with the boys, dude? Boys are like, oh, you got a dick, you better pump it. Like, you better tell, what are you gonna do? Choke that out, pull on it. Like it's so much more straightforward for boys to just like figure out or have a clue about than it is for girls. And I think sincerely that women really, really need to be encouraged to fucking choke their chicken. You know what I'm saying? Stroke their salami. Twiddle you dickle. Do whatever you need to do to get that feeling. And you know what the feeling is. And there's nothing more sad than talking to bitches that you know have never had a fucking orgasm in their life. And there's a lot of them. There are very every single bitch, uh, I come so much, I come all the time. Every time I look at a dick, I come. Oh, this guy's dick came near me. I was standing in the elevator next to a dick and it came. No, you didn't. Like, I mean, unless you could have had an interesting device on you or really been on your Kegel game. So maybe you did, but you probably didn't. Okay, you're probably full of shit. Although I do know some fucking hoes that would have done that, that could do that. Shout the motherfuck out. Why do women insist on saying they come during sex when they don't know how to masturbate? Discuss. I want to hear about your cats in the comments. Why? I want to say it again. Why do bitches want to talk about how they come so hard when they don't know how to touch themselves? And that's why it's funny. This gets back to my rant about you have to be 37-year-old female to talk about masturbating. Because by the time you're 37, bitch, if you are a sexually liberated bitch, which I sh I believe we are, this is the bitch don't be dumb podcast. This is beady beady, your mama talking. I feel like our audience, our demographic, if you will, is relatively sexually fucking liberated. Clap your flaps, slide back and forth, buy a massage pillow if it's just too weird for you. Find something to sit on. That's not necessarily a penis, but let me tell you this if you are having sex and you're not looking after yourself, you might want to reconsider that. Because your man's penis, I'm gonna say what I say, your man's cock is not making you come every time. It's not, it's just not. You can have orgasms every time you have sex. You can pull your vibrator, bitches be like, I can already hear the haters. Oh my god, I take my vibrator out when I'm fucking my man. I always come. You know what? Do yourself a favor, girl. Because it's not always about him, right? Because I promise you, as far as his cup shots go, they're definitely not always about you. No shade, no offense. We live in an equal world. Well, no. We live in a relatively equal society. Thank God for that. So from the realms of woman to woman, sister to sister, your mama to the beady beaties, right? Because yeah, the beat, the beaties? What are we what's a crew? The beaties, the beady beaties, we'll figure it out. I like the beaties. I think the beaties is good. So from your mama to the beaties, I'm assuming you guys know how to touch yourself. I'm assuming that you've tried it in many different ways. And I really do like to talk about girls that like to use their fingers because variety is a spice of life. And it's not that like I can't, like, please, are you kidding me? You think that there have not been the days or the times when there is no chargeable device around and mama's gotta get it going on? What are you crazy? Of course. You think that I haven't dated some fucking sucker losers that are so self-conscious that if you take out an electrical device, they're gonna freak out. But if they can watch you, you know, rub one out, then all of a sudden that makes their day better. That's why I ended up dumping them. But you know where I'm coming from, ladies. The message is number one. There's a couple messages. The first message masturbate, do it. If you haven't done it, and you know what? Do it right now. Pause the podcast and come back. Take a break. Give yourself a moment. Have no some private time. I don't understand why women doing it for ourselves has to be alienating. And it is by societal standards. Let's face it. Most people are beaties. Most people are like, ugh, you need you need to get dicked, especially men, dude, especially men with small penises or average size penises that don't know how to use them. I am a size queen personally, which is also why I had to get divorced so many times. So like the other right person. All I'm saying, in addition to your sex life, and it doesn't matter, you don't have to be a heterosexual woman just getting fucking banged out. You could be my lesbian sisters, getting licked out by, you know, your lady friend. You could be our gay people doing their all things, like whatever the fuck. I still think it's important to highlight, and I have two small children that I will teach. Man, the best thing I can do is teach my boys that masturbating's healthy. Like, it's your body, which does amazing fucking things all the time. And you know what? Coming is one of the amazing things. The weirder you make it, the more you alienate yourself, other people, the dirtiness around it. That's why there's porn hub. That's why people are getting human traffic to fucking Canada right now to make illegal videos so that dirtbags in fucking South Arkansas can like whack one out to it. Because sex is taboo is presented as being taboo, right? And a lot of and it should be. It's not. I'm not saying that fucking freaks and scumbags don't exist because let's face it, freaks and scumbags exist. Sex aside, gender aside, fucking sexual preference, it doesn't matter. Darkness walks. We're on earth. And I'm not gonna let the podcast take a turn because it's a happy podcast about you know, squeezing your deets. One of my friends was loaded one time and said squeezing their deets, and I had no idea what they're talking about. That's where that came from. But nevertheless, back to salami slapping hit it or quit it. Like if you're not comfortable with your own sexual gratification, self-served pleasure, I feel like you need to think about your feelings. And if you have friends, because I do, curiously, even though I only have like two or three friends, one of those two or three friends, I really don't believe has had an orgasm in their life. And I'm not even fucking kidding. And she's in her 40s and she's so fucking pissed off, she's the most miserable person I know. I love her dearly, but she's fucking miserable. And I have to believe that part of her misery is not knowing how to masturbate, or not even trying. Because she's been telling herself that she was miserable, you know, her whole life. If I had turned, if I had exited my teenage years, actually, if I had sex, because it's really relevant for women, and that's why this is the BD BD podcast, right? That's why we're the BDs. You're the beadies. I'm your mama. This is a podcast for women. And I'm here to tell you know how to please your clam. Understand how to keep your pussy happy. Make the day of your Vijay J. You know what I'm saying? Get your throb knob and like spend an afternoon together. In any way you want to do it, the toys available these days, get out of here. I love hearing all the new because mate, I'm pretty simple again. Like, I have two kids, I support a family of four independently. That's right. My man doesn't pay a single fucking bill. That's another story for another time. But he also, anyways, that's another story for another time. In between the regular tasks of my day, I definitely have a private moment. Ordinarily, because my circumstances, everybody's sleeping, so I've taken care of my kids all day. I've put them to bed. I fuck my husband. It's a little special time at two in the morning. I'm probably doing some writing, hiding upstairs in the little attic where I work. And you know what comes out of the draw? I'm putting it in the goddamn picture. So this is the part of it. That thing comes out of the draw. It's so funny, I can't remember what the fucking name of it. Because you'll know as soon as I hear it, I'll know it. But it doesn't matter. And I don't even want to know the type or style or brand or whatever it is, because my message is this go masturbate. Do it now. Touch yourself, love yourself, be natural with yourself, appreciate your goddess, and get fucking freaky. Get it on, ladies. Get it on, get it out. And you know what? Whoever you're fucking is going to thank you for it, whether they know or not, because you're more of a sexy bitch. Because masturbating makes you hotter. You know why? Because all of your little sexy goblin grublies that are hiding in those pores that like are sleeping, your biggest organ being your skin, all of a sudden you're like, ah, you got the knobthrob, you got the gobblies coming to the surface, your pores are opening, you're coming. Your heart's beating, your brain is fizzling. Do it, do it all the time. Do it when you don't feel like doing it. That's not the same for sex, by the way. Let me be very specific here. Please. If you don't want to fuck, you don't want to drop your panties, you don't want to spread your knees, you don't want to, then don't be celibate. I don't fucking care about that. That's why, mate. Like sex, like interactions with someone. If you are inviting somebody into your intimacy, then you are completely entitled to fucking show them the door. It is not the same thing. However, I'm gonna be real. Some days I don't feel like masturbating. Some days I'm like, I'm not fucking doing that. I can't get out of bed so late. I don't want to like sneak away. I don't know, it's too much work. And then you know what? 30 seconds later, I can fucking great. And I can say 30 seconds because I'm fucking 47 years old. Um, maybe, maybe 90 seconds. And that's why you're not allowed to fucking talk about it till you're 37. Because then you'll appreciate it. Because the 28-year-olds are like, 90 seconds, what fun is that, honey? I will fuck your man all night. My man all night. At one point in my life, I might have fucked your man, and I'm sorry if I did. But those days are far fucking behind me. I will fuck my man all night long. Day on, day out. Are you fucking kidding me, honey? We spoke about this in one of the earlier episodes. How does one think that I fell naturally pregnant with two beautiful, healthy boys who I delivered when I was fucking 42 and 44? Something like that. Please. Get the fuck out of here. Actually, no, 44 4 math. But yeah. You know how? By fucking my husband. However, that doesn't mean that I necessarily have the energy to fuck him every single day, Daunt to dusk, like we did for the first two or three years. And that's my choice to make. Nobody should tell you you have to have sex every day. You should never feel if you want it, girl. I mean, I've got a long history of having sex daily with my man, and it was fucking great. But sometimes the seasons change. The baby's fucking awake. Whatever, whatever. Don't ignore your vibrator. Say with me. If your man has a problem with it, then tell him to go in the fucking bathroom and put in a new shower massager. You know what I'm saying? Make sure the fucking core is long enough. You know what's really disappointing? There's nothing worse than being in a hotel room and forgetting my vibrator, which happened because I used to travel a lot on business. And I had my pocket rocket most of the time. I would always put my vibrator in my suitcase. Thank you very much. But sometimes life happens and I'd get like fuck. And the first thing I would do is go to the bathroom and be like, what is the shower head like? Take it down. Some of the why do not all shower heads are not the same. All shower massaging shower heads specifically are not the same. So if you're in Walmart, if you're listening to me in Walmart right now and you're gonna buy a one, you're like this bitch, and what you're talking about, you need a 20-foot cord, bitch. Make sure don't play yourself with like a fucking 18-inch shower back. See, bitches, I know what I'm talking about. This is your mama. There have been times where there was no machine. I can't even talk. It's so funny. Look, I might have had one or two times where there was no shower massager. I didn't feel like, you know, putting and it's not because I'm grossed up on my body. Don't get it twisted. It has nothing like the fact that I don't usually masturbate with my fingers is probably based off the fact that I originally started masturbating with shower massager. Oh, that is not my preferred fucking my preferred device is going on this. What's going up? It's going in the chat. I'm putting it online. So make sure that you check the social bd's um for my current, you know, preferred device. All I'm saying is I probably spread my legs under a tub facet, like facet faucet. I can't even talk, yo, honestly. I might have spread my legs underneath a bathtub faucet once or twice. And if me stumbling on my words is shocking, try saying bathtub faucet five times fast. It's not that fucking easy. Anyways, I'm here to let y'all know there's always a way to masturbate. Nobody is allowed to tell you you're not allowed to. No man can turn, oh, it's baby bug, oh, I'm not enough. I'm not enough. No, and neither am I when you're fucking hiding in the bathroom, beating off to Playboy or whatever the fuck you got going on. So get the fuck out of here. Like, honestly, keep a secret between you and your clitoris. Right? You and your pussy are very private. Even if you're on five guys' dicks and face, and even if you got 30 dicks in you a day, even Bonnie the porn star from England, like her pussy, you're gonna have private moments with your pussy. Make them count. Make them good. You don't only have to have private pussy moments, you know, like during your period. You can have them every day with your fingers, shower head, device of choice, massage pillow, fucking whatever. Like anything that is going to get that feeling for you, get it. Because you deserve it. And you deserve it every motherfucking day. And I realize that some people are gonna be like, yo, mama, you don't masturbate every day. You don't blah blah blah blah. I can't this. Like, let me tell you something. I definitely masturbate even when I was pregnant, actually that's the most fun because my hormones were like fucking out of control, but you don't have to masturbate every day to benefit from what I'm telling you. Take the amount of times that you masturbate now and try doubling it. That's a good start. So if you masturbate once a month, do it twice a month. I mean, I can't take that advice because I don't have time to masturbate twice a day, but you understand where I'm coming from. You know that I'm here to help you, and it's all about the sisterhood. And by hood, I mean the hood, like your flaps, right? You know what I'm talking about. So everybody, I hope after this episode. I can get kinky and say, think of me, but I'm faceless. So this is your mama. No f and that's the thing. There's no faces on this profile. There's no because it's not about what I look like. It's not about what any of us look like. It's not about, oh, is my Instagram makeup thick enough? Am I skinny enough? Is my weave on fucking straight? Do I have my fake hair in? Get the fuck out of here. Are my fake titties busting far enough? The reason that I elected for this to be a faceless podcast is all of those reasons. Because you're all fucking beautiful. We are a collective, we are women, even though there's some fucking freaky penises that are listening to this. Like, I'm not gonna shout you out because I want it to be exclusively woman podcasts. Like, if I could really read every IP of any single penis, I would block them from my podcast, real talk. And if that hurts your feelings and you're dude, great. Don't come back here. But for the sisterhood, flap flap, for my pussy princesses, for the mamas, for the babies, daughters, angels, goddesses, right? The god squad, kind of goddess squad. No, the beaties. For all the beaties, find something that pleases your pussy outside of your man's penis, because we do love a dickin, and that will be an episode. I love a dick and is definitely worth of an episode, but prior to that, I'm going to wrap up my flaps. I'm gonna wrap my flaps right now and tie up this episode. Wish you all fun times. Take my advice. For all my ladies that do beat off daily, like myself. Okay, maybe we're an exception because twice a day, but not to say that twice a day is a necessary sometimes, but every day. Enjoy your body, enjoy your time, be beautiful.