Don't Tattoo Your Face

Don’t Tattoo Your Face is a blunt, unapologetic rant aimed squarely at women, arguing that some decisions don’t become empowering just because we call them that. The episode takes on face tattoos and visible ink as a fast track to unnecessary struggle, with a special warning about tattooing names anywhere on your body—because love is temporary and laser removal is expensive. It’s not moralizing and it’s not anti-art; it’s about long-term consequences, social reality, and why pretending the world is more evolved than it actually is mostly screws women over. This is less “do what you want” and more “think it through,” delivered with zero patience for fantasy thinking and a lot of hard-earned clarity.

Music by Nathan Wills.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:00

You're tuned in to BDBD. Bitch, don't be dumb. I'm your mama. No daddy's allowed. Oh my goodness. I believe it's February. Ladies, welcome to Wednesday. Welcome to Wednesday. Welcome to Wednesday. Beaties. This is the Bitch Don't Be Dumb podcast. BD BD. You ladies are the Beadies, my loyal listeners, newcomers, old listeners, everybody. Let's get it going. Welcome to February. February is special to me in too many ways. Um, so my actual anniversary, my wedding anniversary is in October, but I met my husband in February. You! So February is like my real anniversary. My first son's birthday is in February, Valentine's Day, February. So yeah, it's kind of um, it is an action-packed month for your mama. So again, for all y'all newbies, this is the Bitch Don't Be Dumb podcast. I am your mama. Welcome to the platform where biological women are allowed to say whatever the fuck we want because we don't really have many places, right? Particularly online, particularly in life. Like we're never allowed to say anything. Welcome! Welcome to the month of February. Welcome to the latest Bitch Don't Be Dumb episode. What are we gonna talk about today? Yo mama. Is that what you're asking yo mama? I can hear I can hear my BDs in the background. Yo mama. What is it today? Last week we just talked about, you know, pegging. All right, sisters, babies. This week, the message the title of the podcast is very, very clear. Don't tattoo your face. Okay. Ladies, tattooing is a personal consideration, personal preference, like it or don't like it. Again, this is this is no judgment zone. So whether you like tattoos or you don't like tattoos, yada yada yada, is not really relevant here. That's that's not the fucking topic. Um, I'm going to share my position as your mama because this is the BD BD podcast, and y'all here to fucking listen to how I feel about it, right? And I think that sharing how I feel about it helps raise us all up and helps enforce all of your own personal opinions because our opinions are going to differ, and that is the beautiful, spicy variety of existence. We're talking tattoos, right? I have none. Um, as a woman, I think that they look actually shitty on girls and women. Uh, and I can say that. Uh does that mean that I don't know some sexy ass tattoo bitches? No, da da da. But like frankly, I don't even think tattoos always look good on dudes. Like, I think tattoos look good on people they're meant to look good on. I think a lot of the time people get tattoos thinking they look good, both women and men, when they actually don't. I don't really have too much skin in the game outside of saying I think they look trashy on women. That doesn't mean I don't like them on women. Like, I'm not a trashy bitch. I love a trashy looking bitch, but I I just think it's it's not feminine, and I think that's why they they do it, and again, it's like it's literally personal preference because again, I can as much as I don't like how I feel about a tattoo on a woman means nothing because I don't want to fuck them. Does that make sense? Like, if you want to go out and get your fucking your body tattooed as a female because that's how you're feeling, and chances are you're gonna get a really fucking hot, ripped, tattooed, like tattooed guy that likes that, and he's gonna fucking bang it next week. So good for you. Like, be about that life. But I just have this like formula of women in my head of not having tattoos because I think that women are like almost above that. Like, we're so ascended, like we're so smart and beautiful that we don't have to like be so basic as to like paint something on our skin to make a statement. And again, I'm gonna get so caned for this. I can I can I feel the rocks, sisters. They're coming. I feel the rocks hit me. I'm not saying it in a nasty way, I'm saying it because it's my motherfucking podcast and my motherfucking space, and this is your mama, and I'm allowed to say how I motherfucker feel. So, how I really feel about it. I feel that women are too good for tattoos, right? I feel that women shouldn't have to undercut themselves to like carve something in their skin to make a statement. Men, on the other hand, are idiots. So they cannot express themselves. Half the time, they don't know how to fucking speak. Like they're stupid, usually. And so if they have to actually like draw pictures on their body with needles to express themselves, that's not really far-fetched to me. I'm like, oh, that makes sense. My husband has three tattoos for real. I asked him to explain them all, and like he kind of did. But, anyways, it's nothing. I'm not like, I'm not squirting to them. I mean, he's hot and they look good on him. I'm not saying anything under that, but at the same time, I look at it as like a a men are unable to express themselves, so it makes sense that they have tattoos. I expect more from women, I guess, and then they'll hate me and be like, bitch, my body, blah, blah. Like, whatever, yo. You're allowed to have your opinion and say, there's nothing that I can't do anything beyond getting a needle into my skin to create a permanent fixture because like that's what I have to do. And that's fine. I'm like, I'm not I'm not objecting like to that. I'm just saying I don't actually feel that it's necessary. And this brings us on this long tattooed bridge to my point of bitch, put your tattoos on your titties, your feeties, your ass cheeks, your thighs, your do not tattoo your forehead. Just don't. Neck tattoos are gross. Face tattoos no, honey. Bitch, don't be dumb. Bitch, don't be dumb. Why are you putting a tattoo on your face? Who is it for? Is it for yourself? Because if you're putting a tattoo on your face for yourself, you're going to have to run around all day long holding up a mirror to remind yourself why you did that. Does that mean are you following me? Um and what's going on the face tattoos? Let's talk about that. Because nine out of ten times it's a name. And I oh man. See, I'm growing. This is episode 12. Like, I almost choked out a very popular name with a face tattoo, but I bit my tongue because your mama is evolving, and I'm not going to give you any examples. I'm just going to speak from the corner and let y'all decide for yourselves. So women be putting names on their face, right? Like crazy. Names on their face. I'm gonna throw the necks in. Like it is a don't tattoo your face, but we're gonna loop the neck in as well. Don't tattoo your face, don't your fucking neck, dude. Like, just don't. It's gross and uncomfortable for everybody. Like, just because you can endure it doesn't mean it has to happen. Like, is that the point? And if you have if you tattooed your fucking face or your neck, drop a comment like what the fuck? Honestly, um, from what I have seen in my years around the sun, like bitches be putting names everywhere, and then they have to get them overdone, which is ridiculous. If you're lucky, you can get it taken off, which is painful and unnecessary. Like, it's just a process that you don't have to put yourself through. Why can't you just get a fucking temporary tattoo? Why don't you do that? Can't you get some fucking South American weird ink on your fucking forehead that's gonna last for like 18 months? I'm sure you fucking can. Get Sharpie marker and just like keep writing it. You know, I did that when I was in mid school, when I was in middle school, and I was like going through my emo phase. I used to draw the sign for infinity, right? The side word eight, and I put it on both of my wrists. And I because I thought I was cool, I used to walk around like when I was 12 with infinity sharpie on my wrists. And I definitely did that until I was like 16. And then I went to Amsterdam, and I remember going to a tattoo parlor and being like, I want the sign for infinity infinity on my wrists. And you know what the tattoo artist said to me? My it's gonna hurt like a motherfucker. They go, first of all, it's gonna hurt, and second of all, when you move your hand, it's gonna like chip your fucking ink. So you don't actually want that. And I was like, oh, but I thought I did. And that was my tattoo journey. And God bless that person, whoever it fucking was on the fucking canals of Amsterdam that was like, no, little girl, you don't want that. I know you stoned off your tits, you're having fun as fuck in Europe. I'm not doing that right now. Thank God they didn't, but you know what would have been worse? Put it on my forehead, and in this day and age, that's common. In this day and age, it's like, oh my god, just put the shit on my forehead. Like, of course, honey, why not? Are you fucking kidding me? Now, do not tattoo your forehead. Don't tattoo your face, girl. Like, how much of a dude do you want to be? Like, what is the point? Cause I feel like, let's face it, if you are a bitch with a tattoo on your fucking face, you probably have a penis near you, inside of you, you know, ejaculating in your arena that has a tattoo on their face. Let's face it. I don't think you just have like a normal square white dude or any normal square dude. Sorry, I shouldn't throw a race into that. I don't think you have a normal square untattooed dude sitting around you while you tattoo, you know, fuck the system across like your face, or while you put fucking, you know, Brian above your eyebrow. Don't don't tattoo your face. It's like it's the worst idea you could ever have. And honestly, it comes with the youth because when's the last time you saw a 45-year-old woman go out and be like, oh, I just started dating Steve, I'm gonna go fucking put it on my forehead.

unknown: 13:44

Like it doesn't really happen.

SPEAKER_00: 13:46

I don't think it happens a lot. Um, if it does, it's probably some fucked up pimping agreement where you're being forced to do that shit, and I feel bad for you, and I hope that guy goes to jail because women shouldn't be pressured into anything ever, particularly not face tattoos. So, like last week, if you didn't, I don't know if you listened or not, but you know, we talked about pegging and like shoving things up guys' assholes, and in that conversation, we talked about Disney princesses. So, not to bring up the Disney princesses again, but I'm going to. Um, no Disney princess. Okay, Snow White didn't all of a sudden start going to the dwarves and being like, hey, should I tattoo the fuck out of my face? Nah. Like, I just when it comes to like these kind of um archetypes of of women, they don't have tattoos on their face. And now bitches are gonna be like, oh, you're you fucking you're racist because tribal bitches, like, oh, all these bitch, you're not a tribal bitch. When you get fucking Benjamin tattooed across your fucking forehead because you think it's hot, that's not tribal. Like, there's nothing tribal about that at all. It's not your culture, you're just trying to copy some bullshit to essentially like seem something. And I'd say seem cool, but it's not cool, like you don't seem cool, like you seem fucked. Honestly, don't tensor your face, and your neck is another one. Why the amount of bitches that I've seen put dudes' names on their neck only to have to have them removed or covered? Please. I have seen more disaster disaster cover-ups than you can imagine. Come on, Anthony's a long fucking name. You need to cover that shit up? Good luck. It's like, why do you feel compelled that you have to shoot inky needles into your body to prove a point? You can't just like suck that dude's dick till he's cross-eyed. That's not enough of a fucking sign. Let me tell you, I feel like a guy would rather have his dick sucked every day than have you tattoo his name on your face. Even though when you're all fucked up, because you have to be super fucked up at that point. I mean, let's face it too. What sober person, what sober person is like, all right, I woke up, I just went to the gym, I fucking went, I did my desk job, I did my nine to five, I walked my dog, I made dinner, I took my grandma to the movies, I'm home now and safe. You know what I feel like? I feel like going fucking getting Jose tattooed down my neck. No. No, no, no, no, no. Make him fucking beg for your shit. Like, why would you give that to yo? Like, let's think of some like rich, classy bitches who also consequently have tattoos. Um Bunny is a good one, right? Jelly Roll's wife, Bunny. She has lots of tattoos. That's fine. Do I do I like them on women? No. However, did she tattoo jelly roll across her forehead? Absolutely fucking not. Okay? Who else? What other mama? Coco. I don't know if Coco. You know what? I don't think Coco. I'm gonna fucking fact check that. Does Coco have any tattoos? I don't think she fucking does. Hey. We love an untatted. And if she does, that's fine too. I'm not hating on bitches with tattoos. If that's who you are and that's how you live, and it and whatever you align yourself with this, with some, that's fine. I just I'm just saying that I think that women are art, and art stands for itself. Like, I don't need to go up to Starry Night and add some red stars, right? I don't need to go to the Mona Lisa and like paint on a pink wig. Do you know what I mean? This is essentially how I look at tattoos for real. Like, um, women are a work of art as they stand. There's a very significantly large group of women in the United States of America, because I'm only speaking from this culture. I'm not talking I'm not talking from like indigenous cultures with their own traditions and African, like nothing like no. I'm talking about like Yanks. I'm talking about American women that are like, I don't have anything better than to go to the tattoo parlor. Because that's how I feel. That's fine. I'm just saying, as a woman, I don't think that it's you don't actually need to do that to be beautiful. That's all I'm saying. And then be like, bitch, I didn't do it to be beautiful. I did it to blah blah blah blah blah. Because like fucking some bitches be hating, so you can hate your tits off, but don't tattoo your face. Leave your face out of it. And I feel like you'll find when you actually see the pretty girls, like when you see the pretty girls and the tattoo things, or the pretty girls on Instagram and this or this or that, and the the these bitches want to be like, oh, I'm so bad, I'm so tatted. Yeah, but you know what's not tatted? Your fucking face. And it's not, Bunny's face isn't fucking tatted, and a lot of other bitches that are out there on their motorcycles, in these magazines, making their fucking Instagram money. You know what they don't have? Face tattoos. Don't tattoo your face. It's crazy. And the craziest thing is nine out of ten times it's some dude's name. That's what's very, very crazy. Like, man, you want to tattoo your grandpa's name across your forehead because you had some kind of like agreement. Well, you know what? That's a separate issue. We're not talking about those people. I'm talking about dumb bitches that be tatting these dudes' names on their neck, on their forehead, rah-rah, rah, rah-rah, rah. And then they break up and they're like, oh. Because it happens all the fucking time. It really does. It happens very often. It happens so often that your mama is here to say, bitch, don't be dumb. Stop tattooing your face. Try to refrain from tattooing your neck. And if you really cannot do anything to express yourself outside of shooting your skin full of needles of temporary pictures, then go for it. And then people are like, oh, they're permanent pictures. They're permanent, but they're temporary because I don't know. Like once they're there, they're just there. Um you want to corner yourself, I guess. I have many, many friends male. Well, no, that's not true. I don't have any friends. I have a lot of acquaintances that have tattoos. Male and female. I always like to hear the stories and I always will sit past it. But I also think that it's incredibly limiting. I think it's um I wanted to I wanted to save this place in time. I don't want to save a place in time. I actually want to keep moving. I I want my life to move forward. I like that's I am a writer. So my ink is on pages, not in my skin. Doesn't mean I'm judging anybody. It just means that maybe instead of like putting something in your skin that's gonna be there forever, unless you just like, you know, some people really think they like the fuckability of it. It's like, oh, I feel like people want to fuck me more because I have tattoos, right? I look hotter. Because there is, right? There's that whole rockabilly culture, that whole like, you know, motorcycle bitch culture, and for dudes as well, right? Like the meathead culture, like, oh, we just like look at me with these tattoos, and they're fucking sexy. I'm not, don't get me wrong, I think my husband's tattoos are sexy. I'm not mad at them, but this isn't an episode about male tattoos, this isn't an episode about female tattoos, this is an episode about face tattoos. Don't tattoo your fucking face. And like most of the pretty girls with tattoos don't tattoo their face, right? And that's what's nuts. It's like the youth, it's like the young girls that barely have any tattoos, and then they get some like fucking fentanyl boyfriend in Florida who's like, oh bitch, if you love me, put my name on it. Like, get the fuck out of here, dude. Like, don't tattoo your fucking scumbag boyfriend's name anywhere. Not unless it's on like on the inside of your ass cheek. Well, not really. That's not even there. Don't put it anywhere. It's gross and tacky. And you are going to have to live with that shit. I mean, like this day and age, bitches get shit removed, everybody gets shit removed. And that's weak. That is weak sauce, to be honest. Like, this whole new age of like, oh, I got the this tattoo, but now I'm just getting it removed. What the fuck was the point? I mean, I can't really speak because I don't have any tattoos, and I never fucking and yeah, I never, I never would. I never ever would. I have saved my children's umbilical corns, like that's sacred to me, and I've put them in a powder and will create jewelry with that. That's that's me. But I'm not going to ink their names into my flesh because I I think when they grow to see it, it actually looks trashy. And I don't want them to have girlfriend fucking tattoos. Woo! Anyways, if they do, I will obviously love her and I won't have a problem with the bitch, but I'm just saying, like I like to encourage women to be bigger than that, and if you don't like it, sorry I made you mad, baby. I still love you. I still love my tattooed sisters a zillion billion times, and I wouldn't change anything about anyone, and I encourage everyone to fucking walk their motherfucking walk. But I'm also your mama, and I'm also here to be the voice of reason for girls, women, who I want not only to survive, to motherfucking thrive, to rise up. Don't let these people fucking read you on your skin. Are you fucking crazy? Right? Who the fuck are you to know me like that? Put it this way: I do not wear my heart on my sleeve. Right? So as much as I can appreciate the art, and I do, isn't it? The haters are gonna come, I'm gonna get canceled this week. They're gonna be like, this bitch is like I love tattoos, I think they're wonderful, I sweat them. You sexy motherfuckers, keep them going. Bitches, do it, do it, don't put it on your face, but but keep getting them. Men, you're hot, get it. But to me, it's basic bitch shit because you are giving away way more than people deserve. You understand? Like, by doing that, you're like, I'm just being me and showing me to fucking who? Do you think these people deserve it? Because I I can pretty much guarantee they don't. So I just would be a little bit more uh cautious of who I throw myself out to, and so these, you know, some of these tatted motherfuckers that want to be like, oh, this is me, here you go, it's in your face. Jokes on who. But, anyways, this is not a public service announcement about tattoos. We we love tattoos, because we really fucking do. I honestly actually do. They're sexy, women get them, dudes keep them. My husband, I love it. I'll lick them some more. Like, get your tattoos, have them, love them, keep them. Understand them, I guess, is is a big thing, because I feel like a lot of people that have tattoos and say they understand them, but probably don't. Nevertheless, don't tattoo your face for women. My ladies, my sisters, my bitches, my mommies, my cousins. Don't put a tattoo on your face. Definitely yeah, just none. And if you can also refrain from putting it on your neck because it the world will judge you and it looks trashy as fuck. And I'm not saying that from my personal perspective, and you can say I don't care how the world takes it, but like just keep them guessing, right? Try to be a little bit more mysterious instead of just like looking like a man because tattoos on women actually are very manly, and they do look, you do look like a man. I'm sorry if you don't want to hear that, but that's that's true. Anyways, so I love y'all. And next time you're getting a face tattoo, I hope you listen. What do you think about this episode? And you're like, oh my god, maybe I won't do that, but y'all sexy, do what you want to do, get your fucking tattoos, do your piercings, pierce your ass cheeks, your fucking your your regular cheeks, your face, your whatever. Like, do do it all. Put the needles in. No, the tattoo needles. Put the tattoo needles in, and uh yeah, like feel independent. Um, I don't know, individual, feel unique. You're all unique, beautiful flowers. I love you. Thank you for listening to my my silly gobbledygoop. And I will talk to you again next Wednesday. See you then, lovers. Valentine's Day's coming. Get ready for sweetties.