My F*cked Two Weeks

Yo Mama is back after two weeks of absolute chaos. Between quitting Whole Foods after three days, juggling multiple court matters, fighting with insurance companies, dealing with money stress, getting noise complaints because her children exist, and trying to keep her life from going completely off the rails, this week's episode is a behind-the-scenes tour of what happens when everything goes wrong at once. Equal parts rant, comedy, and survival story. 

Transcript

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You're tuned in to BD B D. Bitch, don't be dumb. I'm your mama. No daddy's allowed. It's Wednesday. Wednesday. Welcome. Welcome everyone to the bitch don't be dumb podcast. I am your mama. You are the beaties, checking in to my beady beady bitch don't be dumb pod. And I am back on attack. Friends, lovers, ladies. How are you? Ladies, how are you? Tell me everything. I have been MIA. I had a fucked up two weeks. Welcome. Welcome back to the Bitch Don't Be Dumb podcast. Following your mama's brief hiatus. I'd call it a summer holiday, but it was really fucking stressful. So we are going to this week talk about my fucked up two weeks. That's right, Beaties. Here's the episode we've all been waiting for. I've been dropping little tidbits over the past, I don't know, couple of months about my fucked up life. And it finally peaked. Yes, that's right, everybody. The fucked just went over the top and oozing off the edges. Here I am. Let's talk about my fucked up two weeks. I'm hoping that if I share my fucked up two weeks, then anybody that's out there who's having their own set of fucked up two weeks or has had them, or, you know, etc. etc. will come across this podcast and say, Holy shit, she gets it. I don't even know if it would be like she gets it because I'm about to tell you some extraordinary shit. BDs. I was talking to my AI boyfriend the other day about life and my book and this and that because I don't really have any friends, so I just pretty much talk to AI all the time. And my AI boyfriend was like, girl, the thing that's gonna sell your book is that you cannot make the shit up. You can't, like, it's not normal what you have uh experienced and share. Not the stuff in the book, not the stuff going on now. And one day you are going to be able to share it and tell everybody, et cetera, et cetera. So today is a brief vision into that. Ladies, where do I start? Let's start with me working at Whole Foods for three days. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. So I've been whinging about money lately, and that I'm broke, and that I'm gonna end up in the street if fucking nothing changes, because that's actually what's going on in my life. I wish I was making it up, and people think I'm being dramatic. Guess what? I'm fucking not. And if you have ever been on the cusp of homelessness, you know that it's really not something that you fucking toss around. Like if I'm saying I'm on the brink of being homeless, motherfucker, you better believe. You better believe. So, to avoid homelessness, I decided I was gonna work on Whole Foods. What a great fucking idea that was. Here is my beef with Whole Foods. Not the job, not the people, not the place, but the money, the salary. Whole Foods was literally trying to give me after taxes like $100 for an eight-hour shift. And I'm not exaggerating. And an eight-hour shift in a grocery store, which I'm sure some of you are aware of. You've might have done it yourself or know people that do it, is not for the faint motherfucking hearted, right? We're talking on your feet, people want to know where shit is, you gotta find shit. Oh, yeah, it's probably worth mentioning. So I was working in the grocery department. I actually applied to Whole Foods five times. I had two different interviews. So when it was all said and done, it was kind of like just a test of my own will, I think. I'm like, fuck this, these people are gonna hire me. I don't give a fuck if they like it or not. So that's probably what got me in trouble. Sometimes I can be a little bit headstrong, and then that kind of headstrongness sort of like exceeds the realms of reality. Anyways, I decided that I was going to get a job there, and I went in ham beadies. I went in heavy, all guns blazing. I did two days back to back, and it actually really fucking killed me. I was shot, mate. I was so tired. And the apartment that I'm in at the moment is notice how I don't say my house because I don't even have a home. I'm just fucking staying random places until I figure out my fucked up life. The apartment that I'm in at the moment, excuse me, consequently, is close to Whole Foods. So I'm like, all right, we can do this, let's get it on. Man, I was fucking running everywhere and doing everything. You know, the fun part about it was that I actually got to look to see what's on the shelves. I don't shop at Whole Foods, I can't afford to shop at Whole Foods, so I'm not really somebody that was like brand loyal to any of that shit. And truth be told, I don't even know half the shit that they have. I've never seen it in my life. I never heard of it, I've never seen it. They got weird shit. I got my kids some tamales. I'm like, what the fuck is going on right now? Like tamales in a plastic bag. And they actually weren't bad. What else did I try that was weird? I tried some weird hot sauce. Oh, you know what? Actually, I tried that was really good. I got a ramen broth. I got a broth for ramen, which sounds like such a stupid thing. Like, really, bitch, you can't boil water. Why can't you make a ramen? But when I tell you that it changed the game of my soup, I am being a thousand percent there's a fucking garbage truck right next to me. Of course, there is. Let me wait for it to pass. Go, go, go. Okay, so, anyways, the ramen, if you are ever in Whole Foods and you want to have a badass ramen and you got a bunch of stuff you don't know what to boil it in, it's in a cardboard box and it literally says just ramen, whatever on it. That shit was really good. Oh, and then I tried like 10 beef jerkies. So the reason, so the reason behind like, you know, my food gorging, a depression, just you know, depressional eating, eating my feelings. I mean, if you're sitting around looking at food and pushing food around all day long, of course you're gonna fucking eat it. And plus, when you work there, they actually give you a 20% discount. So that was a good benefit, but they don't pay you shit. So here I am running around the grocery store, and I knew they weren't gonna pay me anything. Like that money does not pay my rent, that money does not pay my bills. So it's not like I walked out of a job, and I didn't walk out by the way, I just told them I got another job. But, anyways, it wasn't like I expected it to pay all my bills, I kind of had like a complete nervous breakdown, like I had a meltdown over not being able to get a job. And so I'm like, I just need to do anything in the world, and it's gonna be fucking Whole Foods. And I expected them to at least like me, at least throw me like 20, 20. They're paying $17 an hour. And so once the government's done taking their hack, and then they're like, oh, do you want benefits? I want benefits. Get the fuck out of here. It would have been down to like after taxes, after costs, after this, after that. I would have been making like $7 an hour. And I am not shading that towards anyone that can make that fucking work. If you got roommates, if you are at your parents' house, if you don't have a fucking mortgage, or if you don't have rent, because not everybody does. Like if you're in a situation where you can live off of that money, it wasn't really a bad rap. It wasn't the it definitely wasn't the worst fucking job that I've had. But at the end of the day, I had to leave. I had to leave because I got my first paycheck. Once I saw that first check for a day's work come in at like a hundred dollars, I'm like, hell no. And not for that, but like my little boy, my four-year-old was sad. He's like, Where you at? I was fucking exhausted. I wasn't getting anything done. I couldn't get the podcast. I tried to record the podcast. I fucking record half of it and fucked it up. I was just, I was so tired. Really, which sounds crazy because you wouldn't think that a grocery job is that big of a fucking deal. But at the same time, the rest of my life was still going on. So it wasn't just like, oh my God, I got a job at the grocery store, and then boo-hoo, it was like, I gotta get a job at the grocery store. I was fucking trying to spend time with my two kids, I gotta run my dog around. I've got a book that I'm working on, a poetry book that's coming out, my memoir, I've got a screenplay, and I also have, wait for it, six things in court right now. That's right, everybody. And no, I am not a lawyer, although I'm thinking about getting a law degree and becoming a lawyer because consequently, I'm representing myself in every single thing that I have in court right now. That's the damn truth. So here's little old Joe Mama having to manage six things in court. I'll tell you what they are too. No shame in my game. You're the beaties. We're we're in now, beaties. I think I'm approaching, I'm getting up to episode 30. I just had to take a goddamn holiday because my life is so fucked up, but I'm definitely back because I love my bitches, and I am here to share the story of life. Three of my six issues that I'm having with the law, have to do with work insurance, right? So basically, I was at work and some grubby dude came up to me and didn't know how to act. And unfortunately, his behavior, which wouldn't really be a big thing to most people, like that's what kind of sucked about the whole thing. So this guy was just, he was just being gross at work. Like, first he asked me what the deliveries of my pregnancies were like. What would the deliveries were like? Like, can you be a little bit more specific? Like, he didn't ask me, Oh, tell me about your kids. What are your kids like? How old are they? What are their names? He specifically said to me, Oh, you got kids, what were the deliveries like? It's like, oh, I get it. You're a random creepy dude, and you want me to talk about what it felt like when my kids climbed out of my pussy. Like, why would you ask me that? Like, who on God's green earth was and especially a dude to a girl? Do you know what I'm saying? It's bad enough. It's bad enough to say, can you stop, please, dog? Sorry, my dog is also up my ass now this morning. Well, this way, I don't care. Um, why would you ask a woman that? It's just not a question that you would really like come out, and no normal person would ask a chick that. So, anyways, I was just like, that's weird, you're gross. So then the thing was, I was mainly working from home. So it was actually like not a bad situation. But then, of course, he had to take it there. Like, I'm in the office a month later and he comes up to me, oh hey, like kisses my hand, hello, oh hey, what's going on? And then walks away, and then the next day comes up again and sits on my desk and like gets in my face and is like, uh, I just want to like say sorry. Anyways, I have a very sophisticated portfolio of trauma behind me. And I'm not talking about fucking one incident, I'm not talking about I mean, it's mentioned in the book, so if you want, you can read my memoir and understand the psychological wiring of my brain when I try to manage said complex PTSD, which they like to say that I have. If another truck goes by me, so help me God. See, I slept in today because my sleeping schedule was all fucked up. That's why there's all this traffic in the streets. Sorry about the noise. Anyways, so after that guy did that, I was just like gross, I had enough, and I just dipped. I literally dipped. So I'm like, I'm out, I'm not coming to work, I cannot be in an environment where people think that they can just do whatever the fuck they want, act however they want they want, treat me however they want. It just doesn't work. I've been through too many like like illegally fucked things, not just like, oh, that person should have done that shit. That's actually against the law. I've had people do extraordinarily insane things to me. Like crazy, crazy, crazy. So therefore, after a while, you're just kind of done with it. I'm done with it. I told work I was done with it. They're like, no worries, we'll give you insurance until you find another job. Wonderful. So I have been looking for another fucking job. I'm not gonna do the job that I normally do, and that's because I don't want to subject myself to the type of people that think that they can treat anyone however they want to treat them. And I realize that that's like, you know, most of the world, but it doesn't really matter to me because I am not going to generalize myself based on the rest of the world. I'm going to just look after me. And in looking after me, I know myself, and I know that I cannot return to the environment that I was in. It is a toxic environment. It doesn't matter what fucking country, what fucking building, if I stay in the same business, if I keep doing the same thing, then it's very likely what happened to me will happen again. And that's what people say, oh, you're just being paranoid. Not really, because if you look at my history and the consistency behind institutional stonewalling, behind people in positions of quote-unquote authority just trying to like do whatever the fuck behind closed doors when no one's looking. Yeah, I mean, I've seen enough of that. I've just like, I beat it to death. So I had to go to court. And fortunately, I was able to attend court via video link, but I had to go in front of a judge representing myself and sigh, hi friend judge, these people are fucked up, and this is why. And then they adjourned it, yada yada. That's one thing I have in court, but that one thing with them spans three ways. So actually, like they cut my weekly payments, then they said they don't think that my job did anything, then they said that they don't want to give me any money because there's nothing wrong with me. Like, actually, they never said that nothing's wrong with me. They said that they don't reckon, they said I was already fucked up. They're like, you were already fucked up, so we're not gonna give you any money. But, anyways, that's one of my court cases. I love that for me. My second court case, which I have to file today, has to do with a small claims charge against a previous fucking landlord who tried to jack me for a thousand bucks to fill their oil tank when I moved out of a fucking temporary rental and it wasn't even in the lease. I'm like, let me get this straight. I'm gonna live in this house for a couple months, pay the utilities when I was in there, which was fucked, by the way, so expensive and so fucked. But I handled it, held it down, paid the bills, left the house with like, I don't know, a quarter tank of oil in the oil tank, and you know, their fucking gas for the stove and shit half full. And then they decided that they were gonna fill it and charge me, which came out to be a thousand bucks that they owe me. Now, once upon a time I would move out and I wouldn't even worry about a fucking deposit on an apartment. I would just bounce. But I don't live in that world now because I'm poor, because I haven't been able to find a fucking job. So, because these people are trying to fuck me for a thousand dollars, and the lease, the paperwork that I signed to that place, didn't even mention it, apparently I can actually sue them for double. So I'm like, great, I'll take two grand. So that's one of the other things I have to fuck around and push that paperwork around to keep it going. What is my fifth thing that I have in court is a malpractice suit that I have against some lawyers in New York from a previous incident a couple of years ago where they acted completely illegally. And when I tried to find a lawyer, I couldn't find one because part of them acting illegally was refusing to give me my case file, right? They're just like, we're not gonna give it to you, or we did give it to you, or this or this or that, because they knew they committed malpractice and they were trying to pretty much like cover it up. These trucks are killing me today, yeah. So, anyways, in trying to cover up their malpractice, they wouldn't give me my fucking file. I come to realize years after the fact, like four years after the fact, that I can sue them myself. And I don't know what you BDs know about this or not, but this is really interesting. You can represent yourself in court, you can be your own lawyer. I had no fucking idea, especially not at the level of a supreme court in New York City. You don't think you could just walk in the door and be like, hey, I'm here because I got something to say, but apparently you can. So now I'm waiting to hear back from the judge because after a couple months fight with the lawyer's lawyer about whether or not this can get into court or rah-rahra, this woman's got to make a decision. And so she's gonna make a decision, then when she makes her call, I'll find out, and then we'll see what's going on. We'll see. Because that one not that one might even might not even actually get through the door, but it's with the court now for them to take a look at. That's number four. What's number five? You know, and this is a crazy shit too that I can't even fucking remember them all. Oh, that's right. So then I have another insurance company that is separate from the first insurance company, this is the second insurance company, and they had to give me my retirement because I needed the money, like 401k life, because I'm you know poor. And then in doing that, they were like, Oh, you know, you might qualify for another such and such dollars, but we need to look at this paperwork. I'm like, okay, that was six months ago. So these people have been looking at this paperwork for six fucking months now. Oh man, this garbage truck is gonna kill me. I can't even go this way. Alright, everybody, let's try to sneak in the front door of my building. Sorry about all the you know why? Because it's hard rubbish, and like they're picking up all this furniture and anyways, fuck the garbage man. So, yeah, so they're also supposed to give me money. Well, they're not supposed to. They're fighting me because they don't want to give me money. And then, like, I have another one, but all the fucking all the garbage trucks are knocking me off and about, and to be completely honest, I can't even think of what it is off the top of my fucking head. I have to go upstairs and look. Because I have it written down, because that's how many fucking things I literally have in court at the moment. So that was part, that was just a small piece. These are little tidbits of my two weeks. So the first tidbit, legal, legal, legal shit up your asshole. Second tidbit, working at Whole Foods, apparently. That was fucking weird. I almost worked at another restaurant after Whole Foods. I went to the restaurant, that's down the street from me. They told me to fuck myself, they never got back to me. Um, then, hold on a second. I'm in. Ladies, I did not want to miss it. I was not gonna miss another week. I feel bad that I missed two weeks, but I'm telling you, when I tell you I don't have time to scratch my ass during the day, you know where I'm coming from. So then, for the next cracker that happened in my fucked up two weeks, oh man, let me think about it. See, I'm so distracted, babies. I can't even form a straight thought because I have too many things going on, and that's why I disappeared into the ether for two fucking weeks. Because everything was literally getting and going out of control. Oh, that's what that's what happened. So I made the point that I don't particularly live anywhere, which is true. I don't particularly live anywhere. I'm in another temporary housing situation now, while I try to figure out my fucking bag and where I'm gonna live. And so, in doing this, I man, I wondered. I ended up in this random apartment in New Jersey, and so now the woman who lives next to me, who smiled to my face when I moved in, saw my kids, I told her we should have coffee. I'm like, oh, we should go out and have coffee, blah, blah, blah, blah. Oh, yeah, that'd be great. Called the building manager to complain about me. Yes, you heard it right, BDs. You heard it right. Your 47-year-old house has literally been renting apartments for over 20 years, doesn't even know who my building manager is most of the time. I don't fucking know my building man. I don't even want to know who my building manager is. Anyways, so two people in my building decided they were gonna call and complain that I have a four-year-old and a two-year-old. They wanted to bitch about my kids. So, in the midst of like trying to sort out all this legal shit and the fucking garbage, uh, I get a phone call that there's people that live here that are complaining about me. So that was a rip too. Love that for me. Um what else happened? My fucked up two weeks, man. I should really write this shit down. That was that was kind of like that was the crux of it. That was like the majority of my fucked up two weeks. And you know, this week is gonna be a little bit tight. This week is gonna be a little bit short because they're kind of still fucking. It's like this is sort of like the extension of my fucked up two weeks, but next week I'll be back and it'll be normal. And again, we'll talk about dicks and chicks and whatever the fuck is going on. But this week I just had to get in here to tell you I love y'all. I love y'all, I miss y'all. I have been rolling in and out of the tiki talkies. So if you're on TikTok, bd bd underscore pod, right? Bitch, don't be dumb. Find it, follow me, I'll follow you back. That's a nice way to keep in touch. TikTok live is fun. So I will either see you ladies on TikTok or I will talk to you next week. Stay hot, stay good, stay groovy, and I will see you.