Yo Mamma Ain't Dead Yet

Episode 30 is a little different. Your mama missed Wednesday (don't start 😂), so we're pulling up on a Friday for a catch-up. This one's less about clap-flapping and more about real life. I talk about what the last two years have actually looked like—from workplace trauma and applying for hundreds of jobs, to wondering how the hell I'm going to keep a roof over my kids' heads. Plus, the biggest interview I've had in years, why I'm trying not to lose my mind waiting, and the one thing I refuse to do: quit. Pour yourself a drink, light a blunt, grab a coffee—whatever your vibe is—and come rant with your mama.

Transcript

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You're tuned in to BD B D. Bitch, don't be dumb. I'm your mama. No daddy's allowed. Don't be dumb podcast. It's the bitch don't be dumb podcast. It's Friday, not Wednesday, but it's my podcast, so I do what I want. Beaties, babies, ladies, welcome to a very special edition of the Bitch Don't Be Dumb podcast. First of all, we are clearly on the wrong day. Let's just be transparent about this. So I've had a couple weeks. Ladies, I've had a few weeks, and it's not really fair for your mama to disappear. It dawned on me because let's face it, I love y'all. I really, really love y'all. And I'm not going out like a sucker. I mean, I had a little unexpected break. Tried to be here last week. That didn't go as planned. So these have been my weeks, beaties, because this is episode 30, first of all. First of all, welcome to episode 30. I made it 30 episodes. I can't believe I remember the first day I did this. Um, my life has not really improved. But for y'all that have really kept up and rocked up, and I see you, I look at the statistics, I see y'all checking in. And that is what brought me here and lifted me up this week when I needed it. Thank you, ladies. So last week I went to record on Wednesday and I was singing my Wednesday song. I'm like, Wednesday, Wednesday, and then I stopped and I'm like, oh shit, it's Thursday, it's not even Wednesday. And then I was like, oh, let me just get around to this and do it later. And later never happened. And as you're aware, my life is a raging shit show at the moment. So the towering inferno of my life just sucked all my fucking time for real, for real. And not for nothing, but when I did try to record halfway through, in addition to realizing it was Wednesday, it was a bit of a Debbie Downer moment. Look, I'm happy to tell y'all about my life. I'm happy to come here and spit it. Not every week. I mean, mainly I'm just trying to come and be a funny bitch. But you know, as I grow my listening audience and build our little community of biological females that are sitting down, chilling in the corner. Um, I think that it's important. Well, first of all, it's important to rock up. So forgive me, forgive my absence last week, ladies. Um every 10 episodes, I have switched it up. And this being episode 30 is no different. And the way that we switch it is we get a little personnel, we get a little yo mama, we get a little beyond clap flapping, dick sucking, and you know, hoein, as we like to get into in these parts. We get a little personal about really being a woman on earth outside of the funny stuff when shit gets rule, really rule. And I was thinking about that this morning. First, I'm not gonna lie, I was like, ugh, I'm not gonna do my podcast because I feel a bit shit, but then I really thought of the beaties, and I was like, it's episode fucking 30. It's time for me to spill my guts, as I do every 10 episodes. So here we are. Hold on to your seat, ladies. Where the fuck have you been? Yo, mama, you left us. And that was fucked up, and it is important to pull up every week. Y'all don't know that I carry like a cross over that. I'm like, oh, I feel so bad, my beadies. Well, if you really fuck with the Bitch Don't Be Dumb podcast, and if you really listen to the tidbits of the fuckery of your mama's life, you are aware that I have been in a desperate job hunt for mate two years. And for that to come out of my mouth is terrifying. Like, never in my life I have never had a problem getting a job. I have always worked. So now, for the first time in my life, with two small children in tow, my beautiful four-year-old and my wonderful two and a half-year-old, um I hit a wall. Beaties, I in July of 2024, so just over two years ago now, I was working in Australia. And I was working in an environment where a gentleman that I worked with didn't know how to act, because let's face it, dudes never know how to act. Now, I've also floated past y'all in the past that I have CPTSD. You know, it took me a really long time to say that, and I think that there's a little bit of shame almost associated with trauma. And I don't want to get too deep. I don't want us to all fucking start like balling out in the pot. That's not the point of this episode. I mean, I want to try to keep it relatively light-hearted in your mama's style, but my point is this. I fought that for years, and as crazy shit just continued to happen to me. So, anyways, what I've learned about trauma, and if there's ladies out there that have heavy trauma, you can relate. Um, your nervous system does not operate the way that it once did. Your nervous system really gets frazzledazzled over shit that you might have been able to deal with better before. And there's ways to work around this. We're not getting into that. This isn't a fucking therapy session. I'm not telling you how to handle your shit. But what I am saying is, number one, you need to be able to handle your own shit at all times, no matter what. And number two, you never know what life is really going to serve you, so you need to make sure you keep some kind of like perspective, if you will. I had this guy come up to me at work acting stupid. The way that he acted legally would qualify as sexual harassment. I snapped. Um not in a way of like screaming at him or going crazy or throwing things. I snapped in the context of I just walk the fuck out the door. You know, I'm just like, really? Like my two best friends committed suicide nine months apart. I got jumped and nearly killed by authority figures. I've had lawyers fuck me in every hole, and now I have to get sexually harassed. So I really just wasn't actually feeling the vibe. And it caused me a whole heap of trouble. Like I reacted in a way that I didn't see coming. Normally, your mama is a very face-on kind of bitch. Let's get it, let's do it kind of person. And in this particular instance, I was not, I could not be. So, what did I decide to do? Well, I decided to pack up my kids, leave the country, come back to the states, just for a change of scenery, just to rebalance myself. Now, for those that are just catching up or just tuning in, my life is split. My life, my adult life has relatively been split 50-50 between Midtown Manhattan and Australia. Interesting combo. I am who I am. So in living that light, it's afforded me some interesting opportunities, mainly associated with running away. Because if anybody else has trauma or serious trauma, you are already aware that our favorite thing to do is bounce. It's get out of a situation, separate yourself from a situation. Sadly for me, I had nowhere to go. It wasn't like, oh, I'm gonna leave and run to my loving family. Because as y'all are aware, I'm estranged. I have nowhere to go. I'm not making that up for entertainment. I'm being completely serious when I tell you guys I have no family. There's nothing I can do. Came back to the States, got a bullshit rental in the middle of fucking nowhere because it was fast and I needed it, and thought to myself, I'm just gonna get this bullshit rental, finish fighting with my husband because I left his ass in Australia back then, and get a fucking job. Get a work-from-home job, or easy job. You know what I mean? I'm like, I just want like, can I just be a fucking typist? Can I just can I do customer service? I want to do something easy because I really I couldn't think. I was fried. And if anyone's ever gone through like real like heavy traumatic shit, my heart goes out to you, mate, because people really don't know what it's like. And again, I'm not gonna turn this into one of those, you don't know how it feels. But honestly, you kind of fucking don't. And it's very scary when you're not sure how you're gonna react in your own environment because something or many things in my instance have happened that somehow managed to like rewire your fucking brain and how you detect various fucking how you detect threats, how you deal with fear, how you deal with just all these kinds of things. So, anyways, I was all fucked up. BDs, not gonna lie. When I started this podcast 30 weeks ago, or let's be honest, it was 33 because I missed a couple episodes and I'm late this week. So, you know, pushing a year though. When I started this podcast, a big part of it was for me to have an outlet to just start mouthing off because my stress levels were fucking beyond, and I was tired of fighting with my husband. I was using him as a kickbag. I really was. Um, and that's not fair. Not that he was taking it, because my man don't take shit, don't get me wrong, but it was causing a lot of friction in our relationship. It was causing a lot of exhaustion because I was hiding from my children that he and I were at each other's throat, and then that was traumatizing because I grew up with parents that were at each other's throat. And as we do when we're small, what do we do? We say we're never gonna be like our parents, blah, blah, blah, blah. So, nevertheless, I gotta fucking serve, yo. Like I had a good run, and I've had fucked up shit happen to me, but I've always managed to get around it, and that's because I don't depend on anyone except myself. And I feel bad beating that message into people because it's a much nicer message to be like, oh, you're never alone, like you can always lean on your family, or someone's always around to help you. But guess what, mate? They fucking might not be. That's not always the case. So you need to be able to handle your own shit, navigate your own life, and keep pushing when it gets hard. That is a serious message, easier said than done. And I know that there's a lot of women, girls, ladies, lovers struggling. Being a bitch is hard, it's definitely harder than being a dude. It's not a boohoo moment, it's fucking history, and I pretty much got taken through the ringer for the last two years. So I've gotten to a point, I've gotten to a headspace now where thinking is tremendously difficult for me because I'm in a lot of trouble. Sorry about these street sweepers, they're annoying. Let's see if I can get away from them. Um, I've been a lot of trouble that I've been trying to get myself out of. I've always been able to get a job. I've never in my life had a problem finding work. And I started working when I was 16, knowing I didn't have any family, I didn't have there was no one that was doing shit all for me. So I have this crazy, crazy work ethic, and it's always managed to save my ass. And unfortunately, this was the first time in my life, this was the first instance where that was not happening for me. And I have been applying, applying, applying. My friends, when I tell you I have applied for over 300 jobs in two years, I shit you not, dude. I wish I was making that up. I wish I was making that up. I had a couple theories on like everyone's like, oh, boo-hoo, the market, the this, the that, raggedy raw. I mean, I guess we can sit around and make those kind of comments or whatever, but realistically speaking, I feel like I just went through the gigs, dude. Like, I had bad fucking luck. I couldn't get anywhere. It was terrifying. And as I record this and as I talk now, my situation hasn't changed, and I'm about to run out of money. Real talk. And if I do, bitches, you'll be with me. I'll take it with me. I'll take it with me. I'll make sure that my fucking phone, make sure that my phone can get paid so I can record, and I'll make sure that Buzz Sprout gets paid so that I have a platform. And no, they don't sponsor me, but they should. Um, I have just been tr under tremendous stress, you couldn't imagine. And my husband, besides the fact that he's relatively lazy, if you ask me, um, except when it comes to my kids, he's like father of the year with my kids. And then when I try to actually explain to him, these are the perils of marrying someone 13 years younger than you. Because trust me, there's a lot of benefits. There's a lot of benefits, ladies. So if you're like me and you're 47 thinking about copping yourself a 35-year-old, go out and get you one. But don't be surprised if they're really not sure about, you know, survival. About survival. So I have been literally running around. Man, these street sweepers are following me. Beg your pardon, ladies. I'm a little bit late today. It's a goddamn Friday, it's all going down. Anyways, he doesn't really understand that when I tell him that we're broke and going to be in the street, I mean I'm broke and going to be in the street. Another big problem that I've been facing with said husband is that he has a family. It's dysfunctional and fucked up like everybody else's, but he has one. And the thing about having that sort of safety net, um, it's great for him, but not for me. It's not my family. They're not taking me in, they don't have a house. He's not running home to fucking a loving, you know what I mean? Like, well, no, he is. He's running home to loving people. But they don't have shit. I don't have shit across the board. I have no loving people or anything else. So that has caused a lot of tension and grief in my relationship, particularly over the last six or seven months, as I've been doing this podcast, as my savings is burning in front of my fucking face on fire, because I haven't been able to pick up work. So that has had me in a bit of a dark place, a bit of a what am I gonna do? You have no idea what you're gonna do. When I tell you that I'm like, well, maybe I should like look at homeless shelters. I mean, I was like looking at homeless shelters, I was looking at women's shelters that I can go with my kids. Now, this is really crazy because those kind of spaces in my mind are supposed to be for people in real trouble. So when it dawned on me that I'm in real trouble, it was a very terrifying thing to face. Mind you, I never faltered. I have been applying for jobs. I have been applying and applying and applying. Like honestly, nonstop, day in, day out. You know why, ladies? Persistence is everything. So there's two key messages that are surfacing in your mama's rant. And I reckon that's what's gonna be episode 30. Rant on. Sometimes we need to just rant. Sometimes it's not, well, I mean, it's it is actually always about being funny, to be honest. It is always about being funny. But I think as someone that consumes podcasts, as someone that's trying to create something relatively genuine, even though I am such a smart ass talking out of my ass most of the time, um, this is my life. And I had a crazy life in the lead up. I've had, again, like institutional trauma issues, like like things that just aren't normal. I think the hardest thing about what I've been through outside of staring poverty in the face, because I'm poor. As far as the government goes, as far as anybody goes, as far as like I'm poor, I'm broke, I'm under the fucking thing. Like, I'm like, I'm not playing with y'all when I tell you that I'm in trouble. I'm happy that I have faith. I've been doing a lot of praying lately. That's actually who I am. So, anyways, in the midst of the fog, in the midst of the chaos, in the midst of my life for the last year and a half, without any family, without any friends, I have one close friend, she's in Australia. I got nobody over here. And realistically speaking, it's been a shit show. It's been a raging shit show. Now, like I said, looping back to the point I just made, what haven't I done? Falter. I mean, I faltered in my podcast, and I carry a lot of grief for that because I'm a fucking perfectionist. If I say I'm gonna do something, I'm gonna fucking do it. If I'm gonna pull up on Wednesday, I'm gonna pull up on Wednesday. And part of the reason why I'm making this like rando Friday episode is because anyone that's really listening and developing like an idea about me knows this. And I was like, uh, I wouldn't want the BDs to worry. I don't want to make anybody, you know, concerned that all of a sudden I fell off the face of the motherfucking earth. So here I am. Um, big news, exciting news, stressful news, scary news. I have been interviewing. So for the past week, your mama has been in the mix for a real big girl job. That's right, everybody. That's right. I talk out of the side of my face. Throughout the episodes, about working. Because when you have no family and you have no support, and you are a female, particularly a single female, because I lived a long time after my first husband. I was single for 10 years, straight ass, supporting myself, working. I still got it. That doesn't go away. And this is why get your ass a job right now. Don't let a man depend on you. I don't care if you're married. I don't care if he loves you. I don't care if whatever, whatever. You always have to be able to make your own bread. This is for my audience. This is not a podcast being run by, I don't know, a little girl from Nantucket with millionaire parents that pay for every fucking piece of my life that I possibly have. No. That's not what we're dealing with here. We're dealing with a grown-ass woman that has nobody that's making a podcast for real ones, for real women in the real world dealing with real fucking problems. One of the things that I have been facing, and this is so gross to say, it'll make me throw up in my mouth, with trying to get a job, has been age discrimination. Real fucking talk, dude. Real talk, age discrimination that happened. And fair enough. I mean, there's only so many jobs, and kids that are coming out of school also need jobs. So who am I to tell them to fuck themselves? You know what I'm saying? I kind of have to like be a little bit more witted in that situation and say, hey friends, I understand that uh, you know, you guys need a shot. Off you go. People think that because you have a lot of experience, you're gonna walk through the door and demand like ridiculous amounts of money, which I kind of did, but that's because I have 20 years of fucking experience. Anyways, the ultimate carrot is being dangled in front of my face right now with this job, and I have not been able to think to be completely transparent. I haven't, I've been in in La La Land. I've literally I've had two interviews so far. I've got a third one coming on Monday. I had to send them test materials and like, oh, I've been in it, beaties. Let me tell you. I've been in it. It's the furthest that I've gotten since I've been trying to get a job after the mess of my fucking life that went down after my last job. And it hasn't been easy, it's been actually surprisingly much more difficult than I expected it to be, and much more difficult than anything I've ever gone through. And uh that's real talk, and it had a good run. And I thought that when my two friends topped themselves, that would be the hardest thing that I've ever dealt with, that I would ever deal with. Little did I know, there was a whole slew of fucked up shit waiting for me around the corner from there. And furthermore, the friend thing, the dead friends, like that doesn't leave you. I actually had E uh E D M R I desensitation. They do it for um veterans, it's a certain kind of therapy. You follow someone's finger with your eyes and talk about shit because it allegedly rewires your brain. That shit sounds crazy, but I did do it for a little while, which turned into another story of trauma, which I don't I can't even get into right now, but I'll tell you it fucking worked. Like if you have been suggested to do that shit, if you have someone, a good person, it's like any therapy, you gotta have someone that's actually fucking with it to do it. But anyways, I digress. So I've just been in the shitter, people. I've been in the shitter, I've been getting kicked around the field. You know, a year after applying for jobs and not getting anything, that starts to fucking wear on you, dude. For real. Two years? My hands were in the air. I have no family. My husband, I love him dearly. I honestly do. I really I'll talk shit about him on this podcast because that's what I'm here for. And you're my girls, and what do girls do? We talk shit about our men and get it off your chest. But I've said this before: if I did not want to be with this man, I would not be with this man. If you are in a relationship with someone and you do not want to be with him, you find your way out, girl. You need to find your way out. So that kind of relates to what I've been saying is do not take no for an answer. Never, never take no for an answer. I have been on the back foot, back feet, bitches. I have been on my back feet, in the back seat, back everywhere. I have not been able to get a fucking head for a frighteningly long time. And now I have a tremendously real opportunity in front of me. Without getting boring, it's in line with my Wall Street Wonderland with the ten years of solid-ass finance writing that I have, twenty years of speech writing, and generally being a motherfucking boss. So I'm really hoping that the dear Lord is about to shine down and give me the break that I have been searching for for over two years. Because honestly, I need a paycheck, yo. And here's the thing: everyone's always like, oh, I don't want to do a nine to five, I don't want to do this, I don't want to do that. You know what, mate? That's fair enough. Everyone needs to do what they want to do. It doesn't matter what you find, you just gotta find something, enjoy it, and stick to it. I've mentioned before, I'm a writer. That's my thing, that's my bread and butter. I write creatively, and I also write business because business pays the bills. Normally, right now I can't pay my bills because I can't get a job. I digress. So at this place in time, I am patiently waiting, trying to be patient, attempting patience while I get through this application process because it's make or break. And I know that sounds dramatic and incredibly high stakes, and that's because it is both of those things. I have not been able to think for the past week that I have been going through this application process. Um, it has been emotional, it has been scary, it has been terribly stressful, but mind you, all of those things have come directly from me. Because in terms of the people, in terms of the job, they've been fucking lovely, they've been fantastic. I can't remember in a career of over 20 years, more interviews than I could count. This is definitely top three. Easy, easy top two. I mean, I want to say it's the best one, but I just feel like there's maybe some that I'm not remembering. Anyways, I have not had an interview like this since I've been back. I've not had anyone get excited about me. So I'm not really concerned about whether or not they like me. I'm concerned about the fucking background check that's gonna come with it. I'm concerned about the references that they're gonna go digging for. I'm concerned that something is gonna come out of left field to fuck me. And unfortunately, that fear that I mean, I guess you could say you I would want to say it's irrational. However, I know how much is in my bank account, I know what my bills are, and I know the two children that I'm supporting. So I can't really say it's irrational. It's kind of like it's kind of a very rational fear, and it's kind of been like summoned by all of the shit that I'm suddenly staring in the face. So I'm going to keep staring it down. I'm going to get through my interview on Monday. Wednesday, which is our day. We're gonna we're squeezing in a Friday here because I didn't want to fucking be whack. I'm nobody's fool. I didn't want to just leave everyone hanging and be like, oh, I can't do anything. Because honestly, I really haven't been able to do anything. Like I said, I I totally forgot what day it was last week. I'm trying to record the episodes to boo-hoo. Ooh, fucking there are so many rabbits where I live, they scare the fuck out of me. I can't wait to get out of this neighborhood. It's psychotic. Anyways, um, there's another one. I think there's horror movies about birds. Like, there is. There's like a horror movie from the 60s when the birds come, and my mom used to watch it. I'm like, that's stupid. Birds aren't even scary. You can't make them scary. I used to think that about rabbits until I spent the summer in this random neighborhood, and everywhere I fucking turn around is like four bunnies on every block staring at me. After a while, it starts to kind of like wear you down. Anyways, wish me luck. This was an all-over, this was a fucking have have a cup of tea, pull up your fucking blunt, pour yourself a fucking drink episode. I'm gonna put that in the summary, because that's kind of where this went. Um that's my life, beaties, you know, behind me talking shit, saying that anyone that dumps you is gay, and guys that beat off together aren't straight, and bitches shouldn't really peg if they want to be heterosexual, like, you know, all these in between all the sillies that I love to deliver, I deliver a very silly fucking life. And I hope that there are listeners that do keep up with that side of the podcast. It's a very small one, it's a tiny little side as my podcast evolves, being the yo mama side, being the who is this bitch and what the fuck's she doing. I'm just like y'all. I'm just a normal girl in the big bad world trying to fucking get a nut, basically. So I'm going to go back to this random apartment that I'm living in and manifest, light some candles, burn some incense, and visualize getting out of the situation that I'm in. Because I have been doing that this entire time, and would be willing to say that that's partially why and how I've managed to hopefully, God willing, steer myself around it. So, ladies, say prayer for me, cross your fingers. All's appreciated. I'm going to go and try to spank my next interview and potentially go back to the career I once had before my life torched. And that is executive writing, baby. Let's write for some big players. Let's write for some high profile people who you see in the newspaper who have people like me in the background writing for them, figuring it out, helping them along, you know, working. Hopefully, I'll be back at work soon. This job will save me. And I hate to say that, I've never really wanted to be so reliant on anything. And then I was poor and lost every dollar I had. So in going through this, the moral of the story is number one, we don't give up. We never fucking give up. Number two, stay focused. Don't let shit fuck up your fucking vision. Don't let shit get you off your track. The only person that you need to answer to is yourself. Love who you are, and be obsessed with that person, the only person who you go to sleep and wake up with every fucking day. That's my advice, ladies. Be strong, be cool. It was a little bit serious this week, so if you want to fucking laugh, I suggest the last two episodes were rippers, the get fucked up episode, the getting fucked up is fine episode, as well as the go get cracked episode, are you know, they're they're they're all happening. So if you haven't heard those yet, go and have a listen. Thank you for listening now. Thank you for being here. You can, of course, send me a text. There's a link on the bus sprout if you want to send me a text, or you can find me on the Tiki Talk BDBD underscore pod and link up to you there. And in the meantime, be good, love y'all, and I promise I will be here on Wednesday. That's the start week. I'll see you guys in a couple of days.