Life Shambles and Rambles

Welcome to another episode BDs.

This week is for the real BDs, the ones who follow along.

Yo Mama is in a state of utter vulnerability sharing the shambles of her current circumstances, what got her here, and how she's going to try to get around it.

Moral of the story: real bitches don't break. Strap in.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

You're tuned in to BD BD. Bitch, don't be dumb. I'm your mama. The Bitch Don't Be Dumb podcast. Welcome. Welcome, everybody, to another episode of The Bitch Don't Be Dumb podcast. I am your mama.

SPEAKER_00 0:48

You are the Beaties. And this is a podcast about being a biological woman on Earth in the current era. We talk about all sorts of things, the ups and downs. As my podcast continues to evolve, pressing through the first year of recording. I think we're around episode 32 right now, I think. Correct me if I'm wrong. Maybe 33. I am in shambles. So I don't really know what number episode it is. And it also explains why I wasn't here last week. And I almost wasn't here this week. But I really don't want to walk away from something that I've been building, trying to build, while my life caves down around me. So in following up and sticking with the theme, Beads, I really wanted to do, do I have to be a lesbian to like puss? Why is I don't know. It's hard to not fuck men. Like I wanted to come in this week with something like that. But alas, the world is not really pointing me in that direction. And it's probably going to be a brief clip that I did miss last week. And I just want to keep it real, yo. I don't wanna, you know, I want to be funny, but I also want to be real. It's my podcast, I can do what I want. And as we build our little community here, you know, it's gonna go both ways. So this week is not gonna be a hilarious week again. It's going to be a little bit of a reality check. For me, my reality check that I'm going to share with all of you. Yo mama's reality check. That's probably going to be the name. And I'm sorry if the sound isn't wonderful this week, but you know, my fucking microphone broke. So my microphone broke. Um, what other fun things have happened? My husband's getting kicked out of the country. Why don't we start with that? So a lot of you know that I've been dealing with immigration shit with my husband, trying to deal with immigration shit with my husband, and they have been finding any and every reason to fuck with me. Now, the law recognizes that I am married to an Australian, and we are in a legal and lasting relationship. But in the current climate, that is the United States of America, what they don't want to do is let him stay. So they have pretty much made the call that for him to stay is just gonna be a nightmare for me, I guess. Basically, where I'm at in this paperwork process without boring y'all. Shortly, they asked me to send them some papers. I said, no, no, no, no, no. Fucking deer. No. Fritzy! Fritzy! I just have to get rid of my dog. Let me start this over. So sorry. Fuck New Jersey, dude. Honestly, I ended up here by accident, and I'm never coming back. There's literally animals everywhere.

unknown 4:44

Whatever.

SPEAKER_00 4:45

Nevertheless. So I had some paperwork that I sent to these people months ago, and in the latest shenanigans, they sent me something back that says, Hi, you never sent us the paperwork. And if you want to say something about that, you have to give us $700. Mind you, I have a receipt from immigration confirming that I gave them the paperwork. So I now have to spend $700 to tell these people that they have the paperwork and literally mail them the receipt that actually shows they have said paperwork. So yeah, that's one of the fun things that I've been wrestling with. Outside the fact that I definitely don't have $700 fucking dollars. I've literally, I've been broke for so long, dude. Y'all know. Oh, the job, you guys, I didn't get the job. So I was up for that big bougie job that we were talking about in the you know, can't be uncorporate episode, whatever it was, dude. So they fucked me over, they dragged me over the coals for a month of interviews, and then by round four, they decided that they don't want me to work for them. And that's neither here nor there, mate. If you don't want me to work for you, that's okay. But I'm fucked. So now I don't have a job, I have to pay $700 so that immigration will look at a form that I've already sent them. And when we talk about the timeline of it all, it's like, I mean, they talk in years when they're talking timelines for this shit, dude. So it's like, okay, well, once we get your paperwork that says, you know, you already sent it in, if we decide to honor that, then we'll look at your other paperwork, which will also take approximately a year to look at. So this is the thing. Even if they go through all the paperwork, through two years of paperwork, they can turn around then and say, yo, mama, fuck you. And I still have to leave, and I still have to go back to Australia. You understand? And it's there's a whole mess attached to this saga that I won't bore you with. But, anyways, that is the update of my immigration saga. So at this point, beadies, you know what mama's decided to do? I'm throwing the fucking towel, mate. I can't do it anymore. And you know what? I've always said I'm not gonna cry on the podcast. This might be the first fucking week that I cry on the podcast, dude. I have been back in the States now for two years. Now, don't get me wrong, don't get me wrong. I'm not crying because I have to go to Australia. I like Australia. Australia is fine. These are not moving tears, these are fucking stress tears, BDs. This is just life is serving me extra. I am completely beside myself. I literally just slept for 24 hours, and I wish that I was kidding, that actually happened. Um, I came to the conclusion yesterday that I'm just gonna bounce because at the end of the day, as you guys are aware, I have a two and a half-year-old and a four-year-old, and I can't keep dragging them around. Now, I am homeless, I have nowhere to go. When I say I'm going back to Australia, don't get it twisted. That's not me saying, Oh, I'm going back to my loving house in Australia. Nah, I have nothing, dude. I have literally nothing. So this is real talk from a biological woman, and I'm gonna be so 100 with y'all right now, fucking strap in. Let's talk money. I probably got about 20 grand, and everybody would say, Oh, yo, mama, 20 grand, that's a million dollars, honey. That's to my fucking name with four people and nowhere to live. So it's really nothing when you look at it that way. Airfare to Australia for four of us. You can kiss off five or six grand right there, and then we get into the fun part of how the fuck am I supposed to secure anywhere to live, a rental, or anything like that when I don't have a job. And then the third strike in the whole situation is this dog that I've been wandering around with, my kid's dog, this 15-month-old fucking red healer that they got last year and have fallen in love with. I gotta re-home, I gotta get rid of it because I have to leave. And money just goes through my fingers every day, as you're aware, all of our fingers, and all I want to do right now is sleep. Oh, and the other thing, the other fun fact that whacked me in the face last week. So, my four-year-old, his favorite new thing is to go, help me, please help me. Like, he's understanding what help says. So that's his new shtick. Last week, he decided that he was going to take it to the next level to please help us. So they're playing in their room. He said he would have dropped a couple please help us, is I'm in the kitchen making dinner, and the next thing you know, the fucking police are at my house. You can't make this shit up, dude. You can't make this fucking shit up. I open the door, there's three cops staring me in the face. I'm like, yo, homies, how could I help you? Oh, we got a wellness check. I'm like, a what? Oh, yeah, we somebody called because they heard kids screaming for help. Mind you, ever since I moved into this apartment, somebody on my floor is calling the building to complain about my kids making noise, which is a fucking joke, dude. I've got two little kids, they make noise, and guess what? They don't make noise overnight. But apparently in New Jersey, they don't fucking care if your kid breathes during the day, people are allowed to complain. So I've been trying to dodge complaints from the building, and in the midst of that all, this person, because I know it's the same person, give me a fucking break. This person would have thought they were being cute and seeing a loophole. And since the building hasn't done anything about it, because they really can't, the next thing you know, I got the cops coming. So in this fucking past week, dude, I found out in the past two weeks, which is why there was no podcast last week. I found out I didn't get the job. Somebody fucking called the cops on me. I realized I have to leave because the immigration paperwork came through, and I've had to fucking swallow the fact that I gotta get rid of my dog. So I'm really going through it, y'all. And for all y'all that are also going through it right now, women going through it, my heart goes out to you. I'm not here to say a man would save my life. I'm here to say that when you're a goddamn biological woman, a real ass female going through life alone, shit gets ugly, shit gets impossible, shit gets disgusting, and you know what we do? You get the fuck up, and you put your gloves back on, get in the ring. You gotta do. There's nothing else that I can do. My husband remains useless as ever, but he is my baby daddy, and I do love him. And honestly, prior to these last two years of complete fuckery, like I've been going through this for two years, beaties. This is not some shit that all of a sudden just fucking happened. Like, I got sexually harassed at work, which made me happy. This is gonna make me cry so bad. So then I had a relapse. That's another thing. Yeah, I got a letter from my doctor in Australia who's trying to help me. Um, and she wanted to send a letter to confirm that, yeah, two years ago this happened at work, and they call it a complex trauma relapse. And I'm sorry this episode's so heavy. You know, I've made this to be light with y'all, and I really appreciate I get a lot of followers on TikTok lately, and people are really starting to to notice and to pull up, and so I don't want the podcast to just disappear, but I feel like you know the podcast is kind of taking a bit of a shift because it's still a comedy podcast, I'll still be talking my shit, trust and believe, you know, mama will be back. I will do the fucking I Wish I Could Lick Plus episode because I feel like that's very relevant, but at the same time, I'm getting beat, beaties, I'm getting absolutely squashed, and as y'all know, I have no family, and usually when I just live my life without having any family, I don't really care. I just go about my merry way. But now, not having any family, and obviously I have a family, I have my two babies, are my family, and I guess my husband counts too, even though like he's relatively useless at the moment. Um tremendously difficult. So if any of y'all want to slide in my DMs on TikTok, BD BD underscore pod, just to say what's up. I always appreciate those messages. It's nice when I hear from y'all, and it's nice to know that uh you ladies are there, and a couple dudes. There's a couple weird dudes that listen to my women's podcast, but that's okay. I'm not gonna discriminate against them. Um, so now for today, I literally have to get this paperwork sorted out, max my credit card, right? Like literally the last 700 bucks I have on my fucking card, I gotta hand over to the United States immigration services so that they will say, Okay, we realize you didn't send this form. And the fucked up thing is I'm not even gonna be in the country, so I'm gonna have to withdraw everything. But the reason I have to do it now is because if I don't do that, my husband has like 10 days to leave the country, and you think I'm fucking kidding? I'm definitely not. So that's what's been going on, and I don't have therapy anymore because the insurance company that was covering my therapy decided that I don't have PTSD, which is amazing because I have a library of documentation history about trauma, and you know it took me a really long time to accept that I have it. Let's take a minute and talk about trauma. Let's make a shift. Damn, this is a heavy episode, eh? This is a mad heavy episode. So, as you ladies know, one day I'm gonna have to really just lay it out in a linear way. But the bottom line is I have been having like textbook traumatic shit happen to me pretty much my entire life, and this is not, I don't, there's no trauma comparison. There is no mine's better or worse than yours, or this is this, that, da-da-da-da. This is just my story that I'm sharing, and I hope that you know my women listeners can appreciate a female just really being real about life. Um, it wasn't until the latest that I went through. Because what happened was when the incident at work happened, which really was nothing. I mean, nobody should be sexually harassed. Um, like some dude kissed my hand and I fucking lost it. And like in another world, I would have been able to take it and it wouldn't have been such a big deal. But however, in the current circumstances of my life, it just snapped me. And after I did intensive therapy after that, including EMDR, if you've ever heard of that, it's like eye motion desensitation. They do it with veterans. I've actually had more than one therapist tell me that I have veteran-level trauma. And, anyways, it wasn't until all of this happened to me that I really did turn around and look at my history and what's happened to me. Because I'm not a victim, and I think that's something that people with trauma struggle with, especially strong people. You know, everyone says, Oh, but I'm fine, but I'm fine. You can't shake me, you can't knock me down. I'm fucking nice. But then, when it's all said and done one day, when you really do have seriously like complex piles of shit, it'll bite your ass. And that's what happened to me. So when it bit my ass, my house of cards completely fucking collapsed. And that was when I just packed up my kids, left Australia, came back here to build a new life, lost every dollar that I had trying to do that, and now I'm here sitting on 20 grand in a prayer. And trust and believe, half of that fucking 20 grand came from an Australian tax return. Like, it's not like I have no sources of income. That job would have saved my ass, and it never came through. Because of what happened to me, there's lawsuits floating all around. Interestingly, I don't have any lawyers because a large part of my trauma is connected with the legal profession who fucked me over. So, anyways, what I realized this time, because I couldn't get myself back together, like I felt constantly frazzled, and I still do, to be honest. I'm not well yet because things keep happening to me. Like, since I've been back, I mean, the process that I've had to deal with, with paperwork and all this crap since it happened to me, has been traumatic. People have lied on my name. I've been told also in therapy that a large portion of my trauma comes from institutional stonewalling, which I believe. Um, because any organization, particularly lawyers and police, fuck you over, fuck me over any chance they get. So I really loved, you can imagine. I also have trauma connected to the cops. So you can imagine when they shut up at my door. Now, again, when I'm saying trauma here, it's not boo-hoo. I feel like there's so much like, I don't know, misinformation or the wrong perception about the word trauma, particularly when we're talking about PTSD complex PTSD. What I've learned this time, what I learned after I finally snapped, because I did, that's what happened, you know. I snapped, I couldn't take anymore. Um I started to read and listen to podcasts, of course, about what serious trauma does to your brain and how it rewires how you fire off. And it does. Um, there's no question about it. It your brain doesn't categorize things the same way anymore. Like your nervous system is a very sophisticated object, and it knows what to do when, it knows where to put what, when you react to things, when your brain sends it messages, it it puts things in places and it acts in a very specific way, unless you have complex trauma or any kind of trauma, really. But the more trauma that you have, and the more that you're exposed to, the more your brain tries to protect you from, and the more it. Essentially rewires itself, and so my brain has rewired itself now, and I am trying to find the way to live with that rewiring, right? I'm essentially trying to relearn my own brain, and it's hard. And I don't know if any of you ladies experience anything similar or have gone through serious, serious trauma. Um, but if you have, then you know what I'm talking about. And if you do know what I'm talking about, I'm sorry because I wish that you didn't know what I was talking about. I wish that everybody would just have a normal brain and go about their lives. Now, when I started doing the EMDR, which if you're not familiar with that, what they do, it has to do with eye moving your eyes back and forth. Basically, you go and you see a therapist and they move their fingers back and forth. It's weird that when they first talked about it, I don't believe it, they move their fingers back and forth, and you watch their fingers move. And while they're moving their fingers, they ask you questions and they have you talk through things, right? It sounds very sorcery, right? Sounds very witchy. And so when they first said to me, This is what you should do, I'm like, sure, I'll have a crack. And they told me to write down, you know, three incidents that happened in my life. The worst one, the first one, and the most recent one. So I did that. We went through the first one. The first one, which I have mentioned before, being my two best friends committing suicide 19 months apart, and it actually helped me. It helped me tremendously. And we were supposed to continue, and then it didn't continue, and then they stopped my therapy in the middle of like intense treatment, which ended up fucking me up a little bit more. So my point is I can't take anymore. I really am at a point, and I'm not saying that don't get it twisted, BDs. I'm not depressed. Fucking chat GPT, Claude, particularly, Claude is kind of oh sorry, Fritzie. Claude is constantly sending me uh, you know, don't top yourself messages and call the mate. I wouldn't mean my two best friends killed themselves. You fucking think that'd be BDs, don't get it twisted. Your mama is here. I am not depressed. I have trauma. There's a huge difference. My best friend, insanely depressed, and no trauma whatsoever. You know what I'm saying? So it's not, they're not the same thing. Anyways, I um kind of lost train of thought of what I was talking about, but anyways, oh, like not being able to take anymore. When I say I can't take anymore, um don't ever think that I'm saying it in like that kind of way, because that's not who I am. Yo, mama is a strong bitch. This podcast is built on being a strong bitch. This episode, even though I was almost crying in the beginning, is an empowerment episode. Because what did I do today? I got my ass out of fucking bed, came here to record this podcast, and then I'm gonna go and get a lot of difficult things done. The problem is when I sit down to do anything, I melt, right? My brain just like falls apart because my thinking is rattled at the moment. I just had too many things going on. I have two little kids, I'm relatively homeless, my bank account's bleeding dry, and the world will not stop fucking me over. And that's real talk, that's not boo-hoo, laugh me. That's actually what's going on. So I love New York City and I love Australia. I really do. I like them both. I like them both for different reasons. Now, what really has pushed my decision to go back, other than the fact that I'm tired of just getting my ass beat day in and day out, is asking myself, where do I want to raise my kids? Not for their whole lives, because my children, at least the one thing that I've been able to do since I've been back here, is get them set up as dual citizens. They have US passports, they have social security cards, they are citizens of this country. And consequently, they are also citizens of Australia. Dual citizen, baby. So therefore, we have reached a point, I have reached a point, where I need to make a decision. And the decision that I've made is to fucking throw in my hand and go back to Australia because I can't keep getting beat on over here. I just can't. I don't want to. I failed. I have tried and tried and tried. I'm not leaving because I want to. I'm leaving because I can't think of anything else to do. And in being within that realm, it changed my perspective. So I guess I'll take that back. I do want to leave. I do want to leave. I should say I'm not leaving because I planned to. That's probably a better way to phrase it. I'm not leaving because I planned to. I'm leaving because I have to at this point. And I have to for a lot of reasons. One of those reasons is my kids. And you know, clearly I was born in this country, grew up in the United States, and then I went to Australia when I was 22. Again, no family, no nothing. I was like, whatever. Some kid invited me to Australia. I was like, why the fuck not? We got married 10 weeks later, and I stayed for eight years. Um so in doing that, there is something special about Australia. And I think my children will have a better experience growing up over there in a country that is relatively behind. They don't like it when we say that, they don't want to hear that, but you know, they're not as caught up as we are here, which is good for many, many reasons, I think, when in terms of raising small children. Like, Australia, for example, did a social media ban on kids. You can't use social media over there. I don't know if it's 16 or 18, one or the other, but I'm all for it. Honestly, like what I see going on online, particularly with kids and stuff, kids are topping themselves and they're all depressed. There's like a fucking depression epidemic, and blah blah blah. It's like, damn, dude, like that is some shit. So, anyways, I feel like I just want to take my babies, pack them up, and press the restart button again. I've pressed the restart button many times, and I think that's another episode, really. I'm gonna write that one down. Pressing the motherfucking restart button. That's what we do, ladies. We don't fold, we don't give up, we rebrand, we press reset, we keep it fucking pushing. So, that's where I'm at. Sorry for the no microphone. I hope this doesn't sound like shit. Sorry that my dog is barking at the fucking wild creatures that are wandering the streets of Montclair, New Jersey right now. The fuck? Nevertheless, I have to find a home for my dog, which is devastating, but that is actually the first thing I need to do. Because I have moved dogs in between the US and Australia on three occasions, and it's cunt. And it's mainly cunt because it takes six months the process. Because Australia is an island in the middle of nowhere, it's very strict about imports, and which I respect, which I make, rules are rules. I'm not even gonna fight about that. I don't have six months, and you know what's messed up? In June, when I might have been able to hustle six months, I saw this coming. I saw it staring me in the face, and I was like, I should really start this process, but I couldn't afford to, because I don't have any money. So, anyways, I love the dog, my kids love the dog. I'm gonna have to rehome it, and there's nothing I can do about that. So, it's good that your mom's a tough bitch because people have broken for far, far less than what I've been through. But you know, I'm tired of fighting all the time. I'm tired of having to be me against the world. I just want to raise my two babies in a peaceful place. That's all I'm trying to do. I have two little beacons of light that I am absolutely obsessed with that run my entire world. You know, you find, and this is why I'm really happy I didn't have my kids until my 40s. Because when you have your kids, in my opinion, people will say, Oh, your life is over. Well, that life is over, and you start a new life. You start an entirely new life as a parent. I feel that something I see quite a lot, particularly in the tiki-talkie realm, which is why I made the don't have babies for TikTok content episode. Um, yeah, people use kids like props. I don't really see it like that. I just see it as you're giving your life to another part of your life, if that makes sense. You're shifting your life. And I came here really hoping I was gonna be able to get back into New York City, really trying to get to New York City. I spent two years applying for jobs, interviewing. When I tell you I've applied, I've applied for definitely more than 300 jobs. I'm not exaggerating. So I've applied for over 300 jobs. I've probably gotten half a dozen interviews. The last interview that I had was the best one, to be honest. And then for that to fall through, immigration to tell me to fuck myself, the cops to show up at my house because my kids are playing. I'm fucking done, dude. I really, um, it's time to pivot. So now I have to spend today. I have to fill out that immigration paperwork and pay $700 when we're not even gonna be here. But if I don't, that means that Heath has to leave within like the next two weeks. I wish I was kidding. I wish I was kidding. That means he has to leave in like the next two weeks. So I need to sort that out before it gets fucking ugly, before it gets out of control. Um, and also find a home for my dog, and also figure out where I'm gonna stay when we go overseas to get set up again and just find a way to stop running because I'm so tired of running BDs. I endorse exploration and I endorse getting out there and seeing the world, but what I don't endorse is fucking yourself over, and if it gets to the point where it seems like you're starting to fuck yourself over, you gotta kind of like, you know, uh find a new path, pick another door, choose a new route. So that's what I'm doing, beadies. That's where I'm at. I love y'all. Thanks for listening. Sorry that that this week's session is like a fucking therapy session. But um, I didn't want to leave y'all hanging, and I almost did. And again, that's not me, mate. I pull up, dude. If anyone listened to our other podcast, probably not because I don't really talk about it, but I had another podcast with my husband, and we did it for like a year and a half. Every week we didn't miss a week. And then he fell off, of course. Because men are unreliable. Another episode. But, anyways, I love y'all. I hope you're good. That's a little piece of your mama. That's a big ass fucking piece of your mama. That's a lot to swallow, beaties. So I'm gonna hit you with all of that. But I love y'all. I'm here. We are living a human experience as women together. And I will be back next week with an update. I almost feel like we're moving into a bit of a period of episodes that are gonna be like your mama on the run. This is kind of number one of the special episode of your mama on the run. You are all the same.