The 10 Bad Bitch Commandments

Your mama is BACK, bitches.

Life has been kicking my ass lately, but we are NOT doing another boo-hoo episode. We’re getting back to our roots with the 10 Bad Bitch Commandments — keep secrets, keep it cute, don’t take shit, get your bag, play the field, learn shit, break the fucking rules and, most importantly, be your goddamn self.

Being a bad bitch isn’t about the dude you’re with, what you’re wearing or how much money you have in the bank. You need a spine, a brain and a plan.

Class is in session, Beadies. Your mama has spoken. 💋

Because at the end of the day, Yo Mamma's a fucking bad ass bitch.

Transcript

Copy Transcript Copied

SPEAKER_01 0:00

You're tuned in to BD B D. Bitch, don't be dumb.

SPEAKER_00 0:06

I'm your mama. No daddy's allowed. Beaties. Welcome all. Welcome. Old listeners. OGs. OG Beaties. Welcome to the OG Beaties and the New School Beaties. Welcome to everybody who has stumbled across the bitch Don't Be Dumb podcast. We're in the 30s. If you're new here, go back to number one. Catch the fuck up. If you are an OG, then I'm sorry I haven't been around.

SPEAKER_01 1:10

Oh my goodness. Hello, hello. Love, love, kiss, love, love, kiss.

SPEAKER_00 1:16

Embracing, squeezing, embracing, squeezing. My women, my ladies, my audience, my listeners, my sisters. What the fuck is gooch? I don't like sorries. And I don't want to start this off with a boo-hoo, but I will extend my apologies of ghosting, particularly considering that the last episode was a little bit extra because it was the I'm getting evicted episode. And since I've been getting evicted, as you can imagine, I've been fucking busy. Um, I've been very busy. I've been busy balancing, I've been busy sorting, I've been busy scraping, scraping myself up off the fucking ground to um keep it pushing. You know what I'm saying? To put one foot in front of the other to continue my crusade as your mama, as the leader of the Beaties, as the head bitch mistress of our click. I'm back. I'm back. Ladies, before we get into this week's episode, let me give you a little bit of background. Since the eviction, I got another fucking lease. I got another fucking lease saved with me. You know, for a relatively single woman hustling in the worst financial situation I've ever been in, real talk, I got a lease. We'll talk more about that later. Welcome. I'm not going to make this another boohoo for my life, wow wow, for this episode. We're getting back to the fucking original episodes, ladies. We're getting back to the fucking women are not men, better boys are not straight, straight women don't peg. We're going back to where we came from. We're going back to our roots. And honestly, to fill y'all in on the past three weeks, while I've been going through the past three weeks, let me tell you, I recorded some episodes. Oh yeah.

unknown 3:39

Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_00 3:40

I just didn't put them up because they're dismal, they're sad. Shit was rough. And I still declare that my purpose with this particular project is to make something uplifting, lighthearted, funny, dare I say funny, something that we can enjoy. And I'm a little bit shitty with myself for missing a few weeks because we're coming up to the one-week anniversary, one week uh year. So you really know where I'm at with that one, but we're coming up to the one-year anniversary. I'm usually so on my shit with like staying, you know, I have to do every week, I have to do this, I have to do that. But it really says a lot about my life. And more of my art is going to be revealed because I'm sort of climbing out of my hole and trying to like really bring my creative work to my people, to my BDs, not just my silly podcast where I run my mouth and talk shit, but like, you know, my poetry, my new poetry, my fucking screenplays, my bloody memoir, all of these things that I have coming together. So they're on the back burner. This is supposed to be a comedy podcast. I want to get back to the point. This week we're talking about the 10 bad bitch commandments. That's right, ladies. The 10 bad bitch commandments. Because not for nothing. Your mama's a bad bitch. Your mama was a bad bitch before it was cool to be a bad bitch. Your mama is an OG hustler. And if y'all had any idea, which you know, I have to keep to myself, but um, if y'all had any idea of what it took me to get the place I'm waiting on the lease for, I haven't signed it yet, but it's coming. It's coming, babies. It's coming. Um, if y'all knew the logistics behind that, respect. Anyways, the 10 bad bitch commandments. Here we go. You ready for it? Number one, keep secrets. That is very relevant to my current predicament and status. Keep shit to yourself, ladies. Tell everybody what you want. If you're on the internet, talk out your asshole. I like how people are like, oh, this is a skit, whatever, whatever helps you sleep at night. But at the end of the day, people do not need to know all your business. That includes your man, that includes your friends, that includes your family. Always have some shit to yourself. Because if you don't have shit to yourself, how are you gonna keep anybody motherfucking guessing? And part of the essence of being a bad bitch is that nobody actually knows all your shit. Nobody knows everything going on with you. Nobody knows every piece, secret, parcel of your being. It's not their fucking business. Commandment one of being a bad bitch, keep motherfucking secrets. Commandment two of being a bad bitch. Keep it cute. I'm like, I'm in my SCSI era, I'm not gonna lie. It's coming with being broke, but I still manage to keep it cute. So, how do we do that? How do we keep it cute when we're poor? Well, we op shop, for example, we second hand our tits off. Let me tell you, secondhand should always be part of your style. And all these bitches that are like, oh, you went to the this cost me 10,000. Get a fucked. There's a real class and essence to being able to keep it cute no matter what. If it's good, if it's bad, if your weight is heavy, if it's light, if you're single, if you're partnered, if you're happy, or you're pissed. Just find a way to keep it cute. How do we do this? Accessories. Accessories is a nice way to keep it cute. When you're not feeling cute, get yourself a new pair of glasses. Get yourself a new hat. Get yourself a tight mini skirt. Get yourself something that's a little bit too short. Get yourself something that is going to make you feel cute. Let everybody know that you're a cute fucking bitch no matter what. And keep it pushing. Bad bitch commandment number three. This is the top one for me. Don't take any shit from anyone. We don't take shit. Now, that does not mean that you have to tell everybody that gives you shit to fuck themselves, because frankly, that's too much energy. Mate, if I was gonna tell everyone that gives me shit to fuck, there's not enough hours in the day, in the week, for your mama to tell everybody that gives me shit to fuck themselves. That's not what I'm talking about. You, the best way to tell anyone to fuck themselves is a silent treatment, dismissing them, block. I'm a fan of the block feature on my phone. If you're not, catch up, dude. Don't take shit. So I've had four husbands. I'm about to get rid of the fourth one. That's another episode. I recorded it twice, but it's not really encapsulating what's going on. And when I get into that part of the saga, it'll be another, it'll be a personal episode, not a comedy one. But it's relevant to talk about right now, particularly with the third commandment. We don't take shit. Ladies, there's never any reason to have to take shit from anybody. And that is a bad bitch commandment. Bad bitch commandment number four. Get your bag, figure out your money. Do not rely on a dude to be paying your shit. Don't rely on a man for anything. I mean, that's actually another commandment, I think. That might be number five. But for now, sort your bread out. It can be scary. It can be, yo, mama, I don't have the resources. Yo, mama, I'm poor. Your mama, I have these problems and that problems. Honey, we all have problems. We all go through it, but it's not going to change the fact that to be a bad bitch, you have to hold some independence. You have to. So figure it out. Make a secret only fans and sell faceless masturbating videos, you know, or toe toe picks, right? That works too. Do something to make sure that you got some money coming in. Part of my problem now is that my money is fucked, but I don't stop working on that, you know, fleeting issue because it will pass, right? And that brings us to bad bitch commandment number five. Maintain the knowledge that shit comes and goes, honey. Keep it easy. Keep it easy. Even when you're telling people to fuck themselves, like I said, block them, keep it graceful. Learn sign language to tell them to fuck themselves. I don't even speak to my husband anymore. I just stick my middle finger up at him because I don't want to raise my voice in front of my children. Um, where there's a will, there's a way, right? So put that on your plate. Bad bitch commandment number six. Multiple dicks, many dicks. Go out, play the field, have a good time. I'm not saying that you have to put every penis that you come across inside of you. Just make them flap it around and dangle it at you and then dump them. But keep your options open. Don't go clanging on to the first set of fucking nuts that get dropped on your face. Don't try to like keep getting back with your ex or oh, I thought we were meant to be together, or oh, he was really the you know how many dudes are on the fucking planet, women or females for our lesbian listeners. Do you know how many people are out there that you could potentially have a relationship with? Think about all the people that you probably should have a relationship with that you haven't even fucking met. And you know what? You might never meet them if you don't play the goddamn field. Get out there, play the field, have a good time, enjoy sit, enjoy it, and enjoy. That's like when you enjoy and embrace something at the same time. We enjoy it, okay? Enjoy as many penises. My friends, enjoy as many dicks as you want to have. I don't know how many partners I've had. I have no idea what my body count is. It's so fucking tacky in like 1980s to ask somebody that. It's kind of ridiculous. I don't care. Out of all the dicks I've had, probably three come to mind that were memorable. But outside of that, ain't nothing but a good time for your mama. Just go and have fun. Go out and have fun. Don't let anyone tell you that you can't. Don't let anyone tell you different. Bad bitch commandment number seven. And there is an entire podcast episode about this. If you haven't listened to it, it's the Hot Bitches Study episode. Bad bitch commandment number seven, learn shit. Learn shit. Learn whatever you can learn. Tiki talkie's fun. It's fun to fucking scroll, you know, interweb land. You're not learning sh well, that's not true. If you are going to try to learn something, the internet can be a resource. But don't just blindly go to the internet expecting something to like smack you in the face. Be your own person. Turn your fucking phone off. You know, Jack, whatever his name is, that found Twitter and then like sold it because now he feels guilty and is just like fucking bitches and hiding in the Alps somewhere, whatever he's doing. He made the perfect point of saying the world is in a shithole because everyone is going to think their identity belongs to an algorithm. And that's freaking true. I really take that seriously. And it's why, even though I'm trying to like step up my internet game and be online more and make some profiles and do this and do that, I am always insanely cautious about what is this teaching me? Am I learning something? How does knowledge come into this fucking situation? You know what I'm saying? If you're not learning anything, if you don't know what you want to learn, and then of course, not our audience, not the BDs, but then there would be some dumb bitches out there that are just like, I don't want to study anything. I don't want to yes, you do find something you're passionate about, commit to it, learn, and watch your life take off. You can thank me later. Bad bitch commandment number eight. Go on vacation by yourself. That's right, honeys. Take a holiday alone. I don't care if you're camping in your backyard and saying, stay the fuck away from my tent, cunts. You don't have to be like your mama, who, you know, rented my own ocean shack in Tahiti once upon a time when I had money by myself. Best fucking vacation I ever took. I spent three days drinking local Tahitian liqueurs out the bottle, laying naked on the porch of my little fucking beach hut, and I will never ever forget how grown, progressive, in touch with myself. I felt after that experience. It doesn't need to be expensive and exotic. Time alone is so important. And as a mother with children who never gets time alone, I get it. I get it. There's some of the BDs are listening to me, like, yo, mama, you're a fucking asshole. I've got 500 shit going on. I got a full-time job. I got two kids. How the fuck am I going on vacation by myself? You know how you're going on vacation by yourself? Like I said, sleep in the fucking yard. Get a B. Get the cheapest. Go on Airbnb right now. Get the cheapest Airbnb that you can motherfucking find and just sleep there alone. You know, last weekend I literally did that. And I got a hotel room five minutes away from my house and stayed there in solitude for a day to reconnect, to reconsider, to allow myself a safe space where I'm not answering to anyone. I'm certainly not listening. I mean, I'm not listening to anyone anyway. That's gonna be that's actually commandment nine, but um just give yourself that. Give yourself that freedom to get somehow alone. It could be scary, it could be confronting, it could be pleasurable, it could be bomb. Whatever it turns out to be, as a woman, you deserve that, and you really need to disconnect yourself from influence. It's so so important, such such a critical thing. I can't even um, I can't even tell you. Bad bitch commandment number nine. Break the fucking rules. Know what rules to break, and break them. Do not put yourself in some kind of fucking steadfast lane. This is all that happens, so-and-so said this, so I have to do this, I have to be this, this is what the expectation is, rockity roggity ra. Now, that's not what we're doing. Let me tell you, once upon a time, when I was making fuck tons of money writing for CEOs for multi-billion dollar companies, those board tables, those boys that are running that shit, because it is a man's game. I'm not gonna fucking lie, dude. Any room I went into, there'd be like 20 guys and two women, maybe three tops. Something I learned in those forums and in those environments. Actually, I didn't learn it there. I got hired and put in those seats because I already knew for myself. Fuck a rule. If you need to break it for a good reason and you're not harming anyone, we're not talking about fucking like outlandish shit here, people. I'm not talking about going out and fucking just being a ratchet ass bitch because you gotta like, you feel like you need to go and be rough. No, we're not being ratchet when we break rules. We're being classy. We're being classy, we're breaking them behind the curtains, we're getting what we need out of that situation, and then we're moving the fuck on. Right? The next time you tell yourself, oh, the next time you're in a hard situation and you feel back pressed against a wall, I can't get out of this. What am I gonna do? Break a fucking rule. You can always get out of it. You just have to think about what rule to break. Don't fuck it up. Bad bitch commandment number ten. The most important bad bitch commandment that there is, my sisters. Be your goddamn self. Commandment number ten. You are who you are, and you are a boss ass bitch. Don't lose perspective. Do not compare yourself to anyone. You know why? Because nobody compares to you. Real talk, get your head around it. I don't care if you're a fucking size zero influencer with some fucking stanky wig and Botox. That doesn't matter to me. Like nice fake titties, shout out. We are not the same, and I don't feel bad about myself because I'm not you. Never ever shadow your identity. Don't let anyone dim your light. The reason I will now, there's many reasons I burn through husbands, ladies. That should be an episode. But realistically speaking, any dude that I'm in a relationship with that all of a sudden has some kind of issue with me, my attitude, my swaggetude, how I roll, how I ride, how I navigate the planet when I have independently supported myself since I was 21 fucking years old. Right? I'm not comparing myself to anyone. Neither should these dudes. They have no jurisdiction to tell me what to say. How to act, how to be, what's correct. Oh hell no. As someone who has been in more relationships than the Lord, I can tell you what makes me leave, the fastest way to make me leave is try to change me. If I want to change, I'll fucking change. And guess whose decision that is? Mine. And if you want to change, sister beadies, if there's something in you, don't get me wrong, I'm definitely not perfect. I am certainly not perfect. I can sit here and spat my flaws on the ground. That's fine. But guess what? I am who I am. And I love myself and I'm comfortable with yourself. And that's going to be kind of it's a dueling message of fucking bad bitch commandment number 10. Be who you are. Love who the fuck you are, honey. Love who you are. Look how far you've come. If you're listening to my podcast, you're a grown-ass bitch. I hope so. If you're under 18, you better fucking turn this off right now. You have come a reasonable way in life. You are a powerful being of light. You are a spiritual creature. Do not let anyone tell you different. Do not let anyone try to dim your light. And by all means, please, please, please, please, please, do not ever try to change who you are to accommodate anyone, anything, any place. Bitch, don't be dumb. Those are the ten bad bitch commandments. Listen to them a few times. Let them seep in. Let them actually penetrate your aura, not your pussy, right? That's what penises are for. We need penises to penetrate our pussies. Let this advice penetrate your aura, shine onto your soul, and honestly, listen to it again if you fucking need to hear it. Because your mama is curiously a badass motherfucking bitch. Most of you are aware. For our new listeners, welcome, welcome. There seems to be this kind of like perception that the definition of a bad bitch is like, oh, she can hang out with fucking like bad men, so she's a bad nah. You don't need a dude to be a bad bitch. You need a spine, a brain, and a plan. That's essentially the elements of being a badass bitch. Take it from me. I've been through the ups, I've been through the downs, I've been through more ups, I'm going through more downs. Life is peaks and troughs, people. Like seriously, people will go through a bad time and think that's the be-all and end all. It's all over. We have so many resources. We have so many opportunities. Shit gets cloudy and your light gets dim and everything isn't fucking peaches. And that's why I had to hide for a couple weeks there. And that's why it's not necessary for me to dump all my fucking shit here. It's better if I come back to my forum, pick my ass up, get back into my weekly updates with y'all, my funnies, my not funnies, whatever the bitch don't be dumb podcast jumped off as in season one. Because this is the first season, sisters. And it's going to conclude in November. And then we will start season two of the Bitch Don't Be Dumb podcast. And the reason why I'm saying all that is because I want to get the point across that shit is cyclic, shit is circular. And trust me, trust and believe, I have gone through the traps, particularly for the last two years. I literally, as I say to my friends on the phone this week, my life is currently a smoldering pile of ash. My nervous system has been torched and is blowing in the breeze. I have had more adversity than is reasonable for any human being on earth. True story. Am I boohooing? I mean, I have a little bit. I'm not gonna lie. Well, I got a bit sniffly the last couple episodes. I have boohooed. Um, have I stayed boo-hooing?

unknown 27:21

No.

SPEAKER_00 27:22

Am I still boo-hooing? Clearly, fucking not. What did I do after I got attacked? The most recent attack by these cunts in this stupid apartment building in fucking New Jersey where I'll never live again. I picked myself up, brushed myself off, and whatever. What are the words that Frank says? Anyways, I gotta be me or some shit. I'm moving on. Remember that Maya song? If you don't go to YouTube and write, I'm moving on, Maya.

SPEAKER_01 27:56

Whose draws are these? You'd know I wear a size for all.

SPEAKER_00 28:01

Shout out to the beadies that actually know what I'm singing there. Anyways, that is my message this week. I am making my return to the Bitch Don't Be Dumb podcast. I have lots of funny things to talk about. Even in all of my trauma for your mama, I have been thinking of new ideas and new episodes. I have a nice, shiny list. I just need to get my head back to where it should be. And sometimes we all need that. Sometimes life kicks our fucking ass. So I was not gonna just do my eviction episode and fall off the face of the fucking earth. I've been beating my own ass for the last three weeks, trying to be like, I gotta say something, I gotta do this, I gotta do that, mate. Maybe I didn't do the podcast, but the amount of other shit that I've done, if y'all knew, it would blow your fucking mind. I promise. And I'm not saying that's a flex. Trust me, it is not a flex. Having to deal with multiple institutions simultaneously attacking you, whether it's a legal institution, a residential institution, a relationship institution, anything that could aggressively come for me, essentially has been trying to. And I had to get a new bulletproof vest, pretty much. I need a thicker one. I needed some thicker armor, some fresh fucking gloves, right? I have a new microphone, by the way. So I hope this episode doesn't sound like shit. And for all y'all that really fuck with me and listen to the last ones and put up with it, are like this fucking bitch with me just like chopping the streets, talking into my phone because I didn't have a microphone. I have one. I hope it is enjoyable for you. It's enjoyable for me because I don't think this episode is gonna sound like trash. Nevertheless, I'm gonna wrap it up. I gotta get back to the regularities of my life. But I wanted all you ladies to know, and rest assured, I love you. I appreciate you. The friends, TikTok is really the only place where if I happen to have two seconds of free time, you'll find me there. BDBD underscore pod. Um, if you follow me and you listen to the podcast, or if a new follow, just send me a message and say, hey, yo mama, I listen to your pod and I will follow you back. And that's how we make community. Um, I still have all, like I was saying before, I'm constantly ranting about my writing. People are like, yeah, right, bitch, you always talk about your writing. Where's your shit? I took it all down. Like, um, I have mentioned this before. I have this history of just like, once I get, and this has to do with living with complex trauma. This has to do with having no nervous system left anymore. Like, as soon as things get hot, I disappear. For real. And I didn't even realize that pattern until I actually put my memoir through AI for feedback. And AI is like, bitch, you're fucking out. I'm like, damn, I really am. Look at me right now. I'm not even staying in the state. I'm like, fuck these people. Um, regardless.

SPEAKER_01 31:32

I will persevere. I will rise above.

SPEAKER_00 31:37

I will not let anyone take me down, and I will continue to be a bossy, bad bitch. I hope these commandments help. I hope they perk you up. I hope I see you on the tiki tacky, and I hope you all have a blessed week. This is a random Saturday episode because I or actually today's Sunday. This is a random Sunday episode because I've been in the traps. But guess what? I'm planning on coming back Wednesday. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Thank you for your acceptance of my a bit over the around the shop um posting lately. But for y'all that really fuck with me and have been here, you know goddamn why.

SPEAKER_01 32:26

You get it? I love you.

SPEAKER_00 32:28

I will talk to you in five minutes.

SPEAKER_01 32:34

Thank you for listening. Thank you for joining me.