4 Cultural Myths About Mindset

Four phrases get repeated like gospel in self-help culture: “fake it till you make it”, “no pain, no gain”, “everything happens for a reason”, and “just think positive”. I’m not here to mock them, because each one holds a kernel of truth. I am here to slow them down and ask the missing question: what is your nervous system doing while you’re trying to live by that slogan?

When we’re in fight or flight, advice that relies on controlling thoughts can feel impossible. That doesn’t mean you’re failing, it means your body is trying to protect you. We explore why confidence built on pretending can deepen disconnection, how growth requires discomfort but not pain, and why rushing to find meaning after a painful event can invalidate real emotion. We also name the subtle harm of toxic positivity, especially when we use it on ourselves, and why you can’t think your way out of a body that feels unsafe.

You’ll leave with a calmer, more practical model for mindset: regulate first, then reframe. I share grounded nervous system regulation tools like gentle stretching of your comfort zone, integrating emotions through the body, journalling, movement, and a simple three-breath reset you can do anywhere. If this helped you, subscribe, share it with someone you care about, and leave a review so more people can find their way back to safety in their body.

Transcript

Welcome And Series Context

Naomi Mills 0:36

You are the answer. Hello, and welcome to episode 25. Thank you so much for joining me. We are in the middle of our mindset series. First sort of 10 episodes of You Are the Answer was all about the body-brain connection, understanding the nervous system and how it works and how it is supposed to work for us. If you are missing out some of that key information, please go back to some of the earlier episodes. Then through episodes 11 to 20, we were really talking about our embodiment series using the body as a gateway to find peace, ease, calm, and healing in the nervous system. Now we're delving deep into the mind. And so today I want to talk about four really commonly used phrases. No pain, no gain. Everything happens for a reason, and just think positive. And the reason these ideas spread so easily is because they all contain a kernel of truth. But if you repeat them without understanding the nervous system, they can become quietly damaging. Just like I talked about in episode 21 of why I hate that keep, calm, and carry on. And it was because if we just keep calm, carry on and deny what's happened, that over time will lead to trauma being held in the nervous system rather than keep calm, carry on, and then go back and process later. And some of these phrases hold similar stories. Because most culture advice comes from trying to control our thoughts. Pretty difficult to do if you've ever tried to control how you're thinking. But when your nervous system is dysregulated, when we're

Fake It Till You Make It

Naomi Mills 2:45

operating from fight or flight or stress, this advice can feel really impossible sometimes to implement. And again, we can just turn that on ourselves, believing that it's our fault or there's some reason why we are not able to use that phrase or that kernel of truth to really help ourselves. And the key is what you often need to think differently is to feel differently inside of your body. So let's talk about statement one. Something I was definitely told more than once as a student chiropractor. We like it because it's kind of jazzy. It gives the impression that if you just kind of push hard enough and try hard enough and you'll fool everybody else, possibly even yourself. And of course, the kernel of truth is through experience we will gain wisdom and be able to most often gain the tools and the skills that we might be missing. Confidence does grow through action, and it gives us experience and evidence to create these new behaviors. But fake it till you make it can also encourage you to suppress some of your emotions. Pretend you know more than you do in situations where you might well feel out of your depth, and therefore you will have that disconnection between the signals your body is giving you, which might be stress and fear or anxiety, and your brain that's going, nope, we've got this, we're absolutely fine. And that sense of disconnection from yourself is going to, in the long run, more deeply embed that lack of self-belief, that fight-flight survival response because we're trying to run before we can walk, to give it yet another metaphor. So maybe instead of faking it, you can learn to practice something in smaller, safer parts. We've talked about small stretch experiences that teach your nervous system that you can do something that's challenging and still be safe. So rather than confidence being created by pretending,

No Pain No Gain Nuance

Naomi Mills 5:15

it's created by experience that also feels just the right amount of uncomfortable in your body for it to then feel comfortable by the time you're done practicing. So it's creating evidence through bodily experience. And it's something I do a lot when we're doing a firewalk, for example, a glass walk, these things that are carefully constructed to give you just enough challenge, but with the knowledge that you will safely overcome it and therefore level up. So let's talk about belief number two: no pain, no gain. Certainly not something I subscribe to in my clinical life, where I believe that gaining should not ever be very painful. It can be uncomfortable, but never painful. Because growth does involve some form of discomfort. And we know that to learn anything or train our bodies to do anything is going to require effort. But if you push too hard, if you ignore pain, which is your body's emergency signal, and override your body, in physical terms, this might lead to injury and hurting yourself. In energetic terms, this might lead to burnout and overwhelm. Both

Everything Happens For A Reason

Naomi Mills 6:40

of these things might lead to nervous system dysregulation, fight-flight, stress response. So growth happens best when the stress is just the right amount but not overwhelming. And allowing yourself to grow through manageable challenges, kind of we get rid of that no pain, no gain, and just say slight pain or discomfort, no discomfort, no gain. I'll give you that one. So the third phrase, and it is one that I use and I do believe myself for many things. I am certainly a personality type that likes to fail forward. I like to look for the wisdom and the learning even when something goes wrong. And so it's quite nice sometimes to say everything happens for a reason. And hopefully this will really resonate with you emotionally because it does give us comfort when times are difficult. It helps us to make sense of suffering. And none of that is bad or unhelpful. But like all of this nervous system work, it's so nuanced, it's not black and white straightforward. And sometimes, if we everything happens for a reason at the wrong time, we can be invalidating genuinely emotionally traumatic events. And it can almost put pressure on ourselves to find the meaning too quickly, rather than allowing us also to go through that very human experience of that was really hard and painful, and mine might need to go over here and cry and like my wounds for a while and feel it to allow it because remember, emotions are tunnels and we have to go through it, otherwise they're going to become stored somewhere in our bodies and we're not going to be processing them properly. And because life is complicated and it's unpredictable and it's messy, it's actually very healthy to feel all of that in the moment and then allow the meaning to evolve later, once the genuine experience has had time to settle in our bodies. So we might say that instead of trying to say, well, it all happens for a reason. I'm going to try and find that reason right now, which I'm certainly guilty

Just Think Positive And Toxic Positivity

Naomi Mills 9:10

of myself, instead of forcing that meaning, we can focus on integrating. And when you do that, you'll often find you've got more strength and maybe a new direction or a deeper compassion because you've gone through the muddy, sticky part of feeling it and processing it and allowing it to pass through your nervous system. And then the beauty comes in. What was the wisdom gained? Was there a silver lining that I can take from that? But meaning coming slightly later. And then the fourth belief that I want to talk about today just think positive. Now, how we think absolutely changes how we perceive the world. It's like putting a colored filter over the world, and we can use mantras to bring about a lot of positive change. Again, just thinking positively, having a positive outlook is by and large going to have a positive effect on your body, your mind, your nervous system, your health, and your life experience. Absolutely. Again, though, there's a bit of nuance here where it goes into what you might know as toxic positivity, where we're shutting down real emotion. And you might hear that around you, or even coming out of your own mouth from past conditioning, where you tell yourself, don't be negative, or I need to just look on the bright side. And if we do that to other people, but when we do it to ourselves, you're not allowing yourself to be seen. So again, taking this positive mindset works best for you when you've had time to regulate and integrate. So when your nervous system is calm. This is when your brain naturally becomes more flexible, it becomes more hopeful. Because the truth is you cannot think your way out of a nervous system that feels unsafe. And I see us as a very well-meaning community and society, doing this especially to our young people who are worried and have a lot of concerns, arguably more than you or I did when we were younger. They have access to a lot more information. And it's easy to say, well, just think positive. Look on the bright side. You know, we're questioning why they are fixating or worrying or negative, and we didn't feel like that. On whether or not that's true, does it matter? It's recognizing that they can't think their way out of that. And for both adults and young people, the most effective way is to feel our way out, to process the emotions, and like I spoke about in last episode, to really double down on the physical

Regulate First Then Reframe

Naomi Mills 12:28

embodied practices, having body work, moving your body, getting in contact with the ground, tuning into your feelings, using something like a journal or the nervous system reset cards or any other kind of spiritual or oracle cards you feel connected to. Things that bring you back into yourself and into self-reflection will help your nervous system feel safe. And therefore, your mind will naturally begin to think more positively. There's nothing wrong with any of these phrases in and of themselves. They're all trying to encourage resilience, optimism, growth, things that I love, but they are all skipping the same step, which is what's going on in your body. Because mindset doesn't start in your mind, it starts in your central nervous system. When the mind perceives stress, tension, an increased heart rate, higher blood pressure, digestion going down, all of these quite common things that people experience, you're wiring your brain for danger, for worry. And so we can't skip the very necessary step of bringing the body along with us on this ride. So maybe instead of faking it or pushing through, forcing meaning or ignoring your emotions, you might start to think about how can I regulate more? How can I stretch myself more gently? Where can I make space to integrate my experience and listen to my body? Because right now, ask yourself, what's your body feeling? What's your breath doing? And what emotions are present? And then you're just going to take advantage of the wonderful wiring in your central nervous system and just take three slow breaths. And when you do that, you release a cascade of chemicals in your brain, which allows you to slow down and feel safe. And so mindset changes the fastest, actually, when the body feels safe enough to learn. So cultural slogans are great because they're simple and they remind us to be positive and abundant. And I certainly think we want all of that in our lives. But let's not forget

Three Breaths And Closing

Naomi Mills 15:19

that human beings aren't simple. And that real resilience comes from understanding how your nervous system works, and for you learning to work with it rather than against it. You don't need to fake confidence, you don't need to push down your emotions or force any positivity. You simply need to learn how to listen to the intelligence that's already inside you. Remember you're not broken. You are the answer. Thank you for joining me on You Are the Answer. If today's episode sparked something in you, share it with someone you care about and leave a review to help others find their way back to their body too. For more tools, inspiration, and resources to support your journey, head to www.uareanswer.co.uk. And until next time, stay connected, stay curious, and remember, you are the answer. And you always have this.