Healthy Habits vs. Real Life: The Truth About Getting Your Spouse On Board

If you’ve ever felt like your progress gets harder because your spouse isn’t on the same page… this episode is for you.

Maybe they:

•  Bring home takeout when you’re trying to stay on track 
•  Don’t understand why you’re changing your habits 
•  Or just aren’t interested in doing it with you 

And suddenly, something that felt simple alone… feels really hard in real life.

In this episode, we’re breaking down:

•  Why this dynamic is so common (and not personal) 
•  What actually pushes partners away from change 
•  And how to stay consistent—even if they never fully get on board 

Because your results shouldn’t depend on someone else changing first.

This is real-life fat loss—and your relationship is part of the equation.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:38

Hi everyone and welcome back to Fit for Real Life with Virginia. I am talking today about a question that I actually get pretty often from clients, from prospective clients, from coworkers. And today we're going to talk about how do I get my spouse on board with my healthy habits. Um, because let's be real, it's one thing to decide that you want to eat better, you want to move more, you want to take care of yourself. And honestly, I think a lot of this is built around a change in awareness for people about how nutrition impacts their overall health and their longevity and how strength training helps women, you know, sort of train for the next phases of their life. But in my opinion and my experience, it's a whole different challenge when your partner is sitting next to you on the couch with pizza or ice cream late at night, saying, one bite won't hurt. And this can feel frustrating or lonely, or sometimes even like your progress is being sabotaged. And I'm not saying that your husband is sabotaging you, and I'm not saying that my husband sabotaged me. I think it's just natural, you know, if you're sitting down and the kids have gone to bed and someone pulls out that snack that you really like to enjoy a show together. I mean, this is such a challenge that I think so many of us face. I mean, with coworkers, with friends and family members, you know, sometimes your health journey can really feel all-consuming. And you talk about it with your coach and your accountability partners and your friends who are doing the same thing. But when others aren't in your life, it can feel really challenging and hard. So today I wanted to break down this real life sort of practical approach, why this feels so hard, what doesn't work, and what actually could work for you if you want this sort of long-term support. So I wanted to start off with this isn't just about, you know, changing your food or working out more. When you start changing your habits, you're changing your daily routines, your identity, your relationship dynamics. And for your partner, your spouse, you know, whoever that is, they can feel that shift too, even if they don't say it out loud. And I often found that even though, you know, I'm the person who does the grocery shopping and the meal planning, you know, my husband will make dinners for us on nights that I work in the office. And I sort of make dinners on weekends and nights we're remote, but we really do sort of equally share the dinner planning process and the dinner preparing process. But even if you're, you know, on par all day, I will tell you the minute that popcorn or those chips or that favorite salty snack, you know, breaks out, I kind of lose my desire to sort of stay on track. And even though all those intentions are positive, those changes that you're making sort of threaten the status quo of that treat that you enjoy together while you watch Bravo. So if your partner isn't, you know, outwardly making all the changes that you are, it doesn't mean that they don't love you. It just means they're trying to adjust with you. Um, I also think in a relationship, if you know you're a woman who's in your late 40s and you're experiencing a lot of changes with your body and your body doesn't respond to changes like it used to, but you know your husband could drink a little less beer and lose a lot of weight, that can feel really frustrating too. So here's some approaches that I think don't always work. The you should do this to approach. You're trying to convince, educate, or push them into your habits, which can often sound like you shouldn't be eating that. You'd feel better if you just worked out with me. And even if you're right, it feels like criticism. I would feel criticized, and nobody wants to feel that way. You don't want to become the food police, right? You don't want to comment on what someone eats, how much they eat, or when they eat. This creates a lot of tension. And instead of inspiring that change that you're hoping for, it builds resistance. You cannot expect instant support because you've had time to decide you want to change. You've watched my Instagram for months and you finally decided the faster way to fat loss and Virginia is my coach is the direction that I want to go in. But your husband very likely doesn't follow me, isn't curious about adding more protein into his diet. And so when you expect them to change immediately to match your energy, that could create disappointment on both sides. I think you need to think about what your overall goal is and how to sort of incorporate it into your daily life, which will mean from time to time that someone will enjoy something that you maybe once enjoyed, but you have to figure out how to say no or really shift that dynamic. So again, today I'm speaking of what works for me, what I talk about with my clients, what's worked for clients. And let's just dive into that. I think when you lead with yourself first, the most powerful thing you can do is just quietly become consistent. I say this all the time. Not perfect, not extreme, just consistent. When your partner sees that you have more energy, you're in a better mood, you're showing up differently, you know, you join the Saturday leg day with us on Zoom, you're out there walking, you're getting your steps in after dinner. That's influence and not pressure, right? They're just seeing you sort of change these habits. And instead of saying, you should come work out with me, what about, hey, I'm going for a walk after dinner. Do you want to come with me? No pressure, no attachment for their answer. You're opening a door, not like dragging them through it. I will say that this invitation to go on a walk has really changed things for me. Um, every night, you know, I really try very consistently, unless the weather is bad, to walk after after dinner outside. And I will always say to my family, does anybody want to come? Sometimes they do, sometimes they don't. And there's never an attachment, whether they do or they don't, but the invitation is always there. And if they don't, then I might go out on my walking pad and watch something on TV, or I may just go outside. But I will always invite people. And honestly, I do this at work too with coworkers. If I'm just going like for a quick walk down the block, you know, less than 10 minutes, I will say someone, hey, I'm going for a walk. Do you want to come with me? Because I feel like that sort of office is interchangeable with home. You spend a lot of time at work and you definitely don't want to drag your coworkers into whatever you're doing. But inviting them, I think, is a really nice way to continue to demonstrate these healthy habits that you're building. So the next time they, you know, shove cake in your face, they're not going to look at you like you're crazy when you say no, thank you. Um, I really try to keep connection separate from habits. So if your relationship has always included things like your favorite, you know, takeout food night, watching shows with snacks, weekend treats, don't rip those away completely. Instead, try to evolve them, you know, a healthier version of the meal that you really enjoy. Maybe making it together, going for a walk and watching your favorite show, keeping the ritual, just shifting the details. I think for our family, our summertime is a time when we entertain, when we have friends over, when we we spend a lot of our time with family outside with family and friends. And instead of, you know, ripping away things that we enjoy, you know, when we're outside in the pool, I just try to shift them around. So for example, when we have friends over for like a pool party, we love to do like a nacho bar or a taco bar. So I might just say, that's my treat, that's my leg day treat. It's Saturday, you know, we enjoy treats on leg day when we're working our biggest muscles, and I enjoy my treat and I move on. I might offer other suggestions for things like a salad and then have a little bit of the nachos on the side. But keeping that ritual and just shifting the details is because you're valuing that connection and not, you know, associating value in the food. This one, I'm telling you, is hard, but it works. And you just need to have an honest, calm conversation. Um, things that worked for me and that still work for me are I'm trying to take better care of myself. And for me, support looks like this. Or I'm not expecting you to change, but encouragement helps me stay consistent. Um, something I had to say is, you know, when you go to the store to get, you know, eggs, bread, whatever it is, right? That one thing that we needed that I forgot, or whatever it looks like, and you buy french fries, it's really hard for me to say no to french fries. It's really hard for me to say no to chips. And I know that if you're a parent of small children, my kids too used to be really hyper-attached to certain snacks, right? As they've gotten older, it's been easier to not have those things. But I have said to my teenage children and my husband, this year I have really specific goals for my health. And a lot of that is tied from, you know, the health issues that my mom's experienced. It would really help me if we just had chips as a treat, if we just had french fries when we go out. And when I've had that conversation, it doesn't mean that I'm prohibiting it. It doesn't mean that I'm removing it entirely, but it does, I think, help them understand that I am trying to take better care of myself. And for me, it looks like this. Um, the next one is creating a shared win, even if it's small. So I would try to find what I call the overlap. Maybe they don't want to track macros or hit the gym, but they might go on a walk, like I mentioned, cooking a new meal together, drinking more water. Um, for my husband, you know, it it really sincerely started with if you just added protein powder to your coffee, number one, it would taste better. And number two, you're starting your day off with protein. Um, honestly, it will help you if you start there. You don't need this like 100% alignment, you just need some shared momentum, right? And so I feel like when you start with those small things, it becomes easier. Um, I think this one is hard, and that's okay. Um, it's very important, but you have to understand that they may not change and they may not want to change. And their fitness goals and nutrition are not going to be the same as yours. Your success cannot depend on them changing. But the moment your progress relies on someone else's behavior, honestly, you're gonna lose control. Your habits are yours, their habits are theirs. And I sincerely believe that it will all come together, but it does take time. And like I said from my experience, it does take having that conversation of, I just can't have this in the house, right? When I have this in the house, I lose control. And if you say, I like to enjoy French fries on leg day, on vacation, whatever it is, and you're consistent even with those enjoyment perspectives, it will, it will change. So instead of saying, How do I get my spouse on board? Try thinking about reframing that to how do I stay consistent regardless of what my spouse does and create an environment where more support is likely. That shift really puts you back in the driver's seat. And honestly, my experience, clients, myself, that's when people start coming around, coworkers, because the change is contagious, but not when it's forced. I'm being sincere, like things have really changed for me when I was honest, when I was consistent with my habits, when I left space in my life to still enjoy those things. You know, I never want my kids or my husband to feel like they are in this cycle of extreme deprivation because mom is on a diet, right? But our family has been through so much with regards to health that I want them to see that I am making changes now in my life to improve my longevity, to improve their lives as my children when I age, right? And my husband's life. It's interesting, you know. I think if you're someone who's experiencing sort of this challenge with getting everyone on board, in my experience as being someone who's Gen X, and I hate to sort of attach labels to things, but it is hard for us to talk about emotions and feelings because at least when I was a child, we didn't really talk about that. And so having these open conversations to start feels really hard. But once you get them going, it gets a lot easier. And I do think, like I said, if you've got little kids, I get it. You've got to have those goldfish, you have to have those particular crackers, you have to have that specific yogurt, that treat, whatever it is, right? But once your kids get a little older, I promise you, it gets a lot easier. And the meals, I think for me, you know, yes, we eat pasta and meatballs on Monday night. We like tacos on Tuesday. Once I started showing my clients through my Instagram, through talking with them, I really do practice the common protein. We might just eat it differently. So, you know, I'm recording this and Monday night is pasta night. My kids and my husband will have pasta with meatballs. I will have rice with meatballs, sauce, and vegetables, right? I will make these small tweaks so nobody misses out on pasta meatball night, but it does look a little different with how I eat it. Um, the same as for tacos. Everyone loves crunchy tacos. I probably will make a taco salad. Everyone loves burgers in the summer with a bun. I will probably make a burger bowl. The meals that you are making just need, like I said, these slight tweaks. And yes, my kids will still eat pizza and chicken nuggets and all of those things. And we will still enjoy our favorite XYZ when we go out, when we go on vacation. Because you're not going out to eat and going on vacation 365 days a year, but you are eating breakfast, lunch, and dinner and focusing on protein and eating a balanced meal and moving your body for the rest of the time. And it's those consistent habits that you'll see the changes when you make. I want you to know that this is one of the most common real life challenges when it comes to changing your nutrition and building sustainable habits. And it's not about having the perfect partner or coworker or kids that, you know, like I said, you just drag along with you. It's about building a lifestyle that works in your real life and your relationship included. I really hope if this episode resonated with you, that you share it with someone who might need to hear it. And remember, like, number one, you have to keep showing up for yourself, right? This is your body that is going to carry you into your 50s and 60s and beyond. Um, for me, this is the body that I need to carry my luggage, you know, when I travel, when I retire, to lift that suitcase into the overhead compartment by myself, to get off the toilet when I'm 70 without assistance. This is the body that I need for longevity. And so showing up for me, number one, one habit at a time, is the most important thing I can do. And then, like I said, having open conversations with my family and my coworkers and my friends. And even if they're not receptive, like coworkers and friends and extended family, honestly, it doesn't really matter because I'll keep doing what I'm doing one habit at a time. Um, I really sincerely thank you for being here. And if this resonated with you and you're following me on Instagram, message me and let me know. I love having conversations like this that are impactful and meaningful, and just give you that little nudge to try and make the change that will benefit you. I'll see you in the next episode.