Control vs listening to yourself

There’s a difference between trying to control everything and actually listening to yourself.

In this episode, I talk about what control can look like in everyday life, like overthinking, needing answers, or trying to make the “right” decision and what begins to shift when you start to listen inward instead.

This is a soft, honest exploration of self-trust, and how to move from fear into something more grounded.

The episode also includes a short visualization to help you see your own patterns more clearly.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:08

Welcome to the Nelegnes Stadius podcast. Here we will explore fear, patterns, and what is meant to lead yourself through life. So in today's episode we will be talking about what is it that shifts when you stop trying to control everything and you actually start listening to yourself. I used to think for a very very long time that if I just controlled everything around me, every outcome, every relationship, every possibility, how I acted in th situations, what I chose and what I said, then I would feel safe. That would create a safety for me. But it becomes a false safety for your nervous system. Control is a false safety for your nervous system. So I noticed for many years that when I was in my understanding in personal development that you develop all your life. It's not something that just takes a few years, it takes your whole life because you discover new things. I did noticed that the more I tried to control things, the more disconnected I felt from myself. It's very easy that we get stuck in trying to make this control sound like we know what we're doing. And uh you know, you meet a person and you plan your whole life in your head, and you tell them that this is you and me forever and you see all the outcomes you see in three years you're gonna have a kid, in two years you're gonna have a house and you're gonna renovate it together, and you're gonna live that happily ever after. But that's just your brain trying to get control over something that haven't even happened yet. Because what if if one year you can't talk to each other good enough and you can't communicate and you have all of these problems in your relationship and then all of a sudden you stand there alone, and then you wonder why you're there, because that wasn't the picture that you imagine. That wasn't the control you said to yourself that this is what I want, this is what I need. It's not only about the pictures that we create for ourselves. And for me, it was a long time that I was trying to control the outcome of my company. Like I knew since I was a kid. I was a pioneer, I wanted to create something big and uh helpful for people. And um I remember when I was in uh high school, we were having these courses when you went in third grade, and uh I decided that I was gonna make candles because then you start like a small company and then you close it the same year just to feel how it is to have a company. And I created these candles and I couldn't understand the process of making them, trying to control all the outcomes, and I was thinking to have this way of getting this into a worldwide business, not blaming her because there was a part of me that she was trying to figure out what she wanted, and uh that's the thing to love all of those parts of yourself that had those ideas and was trying to get something. And she was trying to sell all of those candles in the school, and it came a teacher and uh he smelled those candles because they were like scented candles and he he said they were really they smelled really bad. And um you know, as a kid when you're what 18-19 years old you get kinda sad. I thought my business was completely over because of his judgment or what his opinion was. And that's also something that we can get stuck in the way we listen to others, and that we're trying to believe that their control of the outcome will is also true. So yes, my uh candle success business didn't go so successful. This is a very big part of many people's life because we don't really think about it. It's something subtle that the brain does to us because it it creates a safety for the system to know that okay, we will have a house, we will have a we will have the money, we we can make us through the months. So there is a difference between feeling the fear and leaving yourself because of it. I thought it was a part of me, and it was the survival also that your body wants to feel safe. You want food on the table, you want a job, you want to be able to sustain yourself, you wanna live, you wanna have those fun things. So what changed wasn't that my life changed first, it was how I started listening towards myself inwards. So what is the difference between the control and listening to yourself? The first thing that happens is that you wanna make a decision. So the control says, I need to figure this out. What is the right choice? What would lead me forward? What if something goes wrong? Like for you to think of an endless loop on how to search for a job. And the more you think about it, the more you try to figure out the outcome of what work you will have and what would be perfect for you in your situation, the energy in that that you bring out around you to your world is that you become very tighten and it becomes very urgent and very mentally. It doesn't do any actions in real life. You may take a lot of actions, but they're very stressful. It becomes that you live a lot in your mental state of this outcome and that's all you think about. And you can take a lot of decisions that may look right on paper, but it may not be aligned for you. If you listen instead, which can be very hard because this can be a lot of layers on top. I mentioned before about this onion. You know, an onion has a lot of lot of layers and it's a lot of they're very compact, but you know if you cut it then you can see the the core of it, and that's you. When all of these layers is on top, then it's hard to listen to your center. Like cards from a card game laying out on the table. And maybe you have three options in front of you. You have the Joker, you have the S and you have the three. And you ask yourself, okay, what actually feels true for me right now? Because even though you don't know, you say to yourself, I don't know, you will always know. The body already knows. So if those three cards are laying in front of you and you're thinking, let's say you choose the Joker, and the Joker is the fastest way it's the fastest way to your destination, but the Joker is a false safety for your system and that will create you getting burned out in the long run, and it will not let you feel peace in yourself. It's not actually what you want to do, it's just a think that you believe is correct because it's the fastest way to your goal that you set up or the life that you want. So then if you decide to actually listen and you remove this joker and you you sit there left with a S and the three, and then you ask yourself again, okay, what actually feels true for me right now? You pause and you feel your body. And the answer is often simpler than your mind wants. Because if you choose the three, let's say that's your way, and you know that somewhere, but you ignore taking that card and looking at it and choosing it because your system is not used to it. It's outside your comfort zone and it's gonna require you to change. It's gonna require you to look at yourself. Then you won't automatically choose that card. You need to do it with a decision. So then when you remove the joker and you sit with the S and you sit with a tree, the control can kick in. Is this good enough? Will people like this? Should I say it differently? Maybe I should wait. So you delay your decision. You adjust and you doubt yourself. Without you blinking, it's been three years, and you still haven't made a decision. But you're still knowing in your body where you're going. You still know. The inner pull towards this direction is still there. It didn't disappear. It's just that you did so many other things on top or you delayed it. Or you maybe you adjust your decision to try to fit it in for someone else. But what if you listen? And you say to yourself that this feels true inside me and I'm gonna share it. I'm gonna share it with the world, I'm gonna share it with myself. And then all of a sudden, of all of these cards you sit with that three. Three is heart of three because it's from your soul. The Joker, that was your mind. And the S was maybe a part of your body that wanted something, but I wasn't really sure. Now we are visited by a little bird. Yes, hello bird. Because if you share things and if you decide to walk your own way without all of these things, it will be uncomfortable and you will have to face yourself. And people will not always like that. The right people will support you and they will be around you, and they will cheer on you, and they will believe in you and the wrong ones they will disappear. They will melt down in the sand, and that's not bad. Because that's just putting you in a way that's leading you closer to yourself and who you are in the core. So you sit there with all of these cards and you say, I need a stable job. I should just take something. This is what people do, I need to make it work. That is your control brain. So you go against your body. And when you go against your body, you can get a lot of problems. You can end up with health problems, you can end up with pains, you can end up with resistance towards places, you know if you go somewhere you can feel that you get triggered or the body resists, it's because it's not right. But if you listen, if you listen to your body and the body is saying no to a place or a situation, even though you don't fully understand yet, you're not meant to go that way. That's not being reckless, that's just being honest with yourself. And if you are in a relationship, the control part of your brain would say What should I say so they like me? How do I respond in the right way? So you make your mind think a way out to say to someone. But if it's a natural connection, you shouldn't need to think. You should know how your words can affect another human, but it's not your responsibility to take care of their outcome of their reaction. So you start to perform, you start to act or you start to change yourself. For example, that feeling that you can get sometimes when you're around people and you meet them and you change, you feel that you change inside. You're not really yourself, you change your words, you change the way you move. You're just that's a part of that control. But if you listen, what do you actually want to say to this person? The person in front of you. Maybe your parent, maybe a good friend of yours, or maybe a sibling. What do I actually want to say to this person? That could be an uncomfortable truth. It could mean that you want to tell them that you think they're stupid It can mean that you want to tell them that they're they hurt you. But you refuse to say it or you keep yourself from saying it because it's scary. But if you listen and you actually ask yourself what do I actually want to say to them? So you answer more simply and you don't overgive yourself to them. You don't explain why a situation ended up in a way, because you build self trust to yourself by doing that. So if you have a fear itself standing in front of you, the control part of you would like to get rid of that feeling. And you would ask why am I like this? Maybe you get angry on yourself and you hurt yourself. And then you ask yourself how do I fix this? And you get stuck in your brain trying to find a solution. But let me give you the simple answer. You can't think your way out of a situation. You can't fix yourself out of a situation. But if you listen, if you stand with this fear in front of you and you say okay, the fear is here, I feel fear. And you don't try to panic and you don't try to fix it. You just stay aware. Yes, fear is in front of me. What is the difference between control and listening? Control is when the mind tries to force clarity in any situation. It's when you try to make a scenario and create a false safety for your system, but that's not you. That's just fear and that's control, and that's a part of you that just wants to keep you safe. So it's not hurting you, it's not trying actively to hurt you. It's just the way it tries to keep you safe. Listening is when you allow that clarity to come to you. It's like you feel that core inside of you all the time. Maybe you loved music all your life and you know I want to do something with music, but you never acted on it. You say someday, you say I play guitar every Saturday. That's fine for me, I don't need to do more. But your heart and your soul desires for more. So you keep yourself in that middle state instead of actually doing something about it. And that is not something that is uncommon, that is not something that is weird. It's normal. Everyone does that. Everyone would admit that. It's how you learn to meet yourself in that situation that actually gives you another way of going forward. And it is a difference between feeling the fear, because everyone feels fear. Every one of us feels fear, and leaving yourself because of the fear. The fear is not the problem. It's guiding you to where you should look at yourself. But if you abandon yourself in that fear, that's when it becomes a problem. So when you stop trying to control everything, you don't lose that direction. You actually become more clear. But because we are humans and we're structured, that if we can't see the result of the reward we're gonna get for something, we're not gonna act on it. Maybe you played a game like Subway Surfers or you played Temple Run or you played Candy Crush, you get rewarded for them. You know that that game is gonna give you an a reward, so you continue to play. But if you didn't know what was expected on the other side, maybe you wouldn't get a reward at all. You wouldn't probably play the game. So when you become more clear, your decisions will feel simpler. You will get less noise in your head, and you will feel more grounded. The stress wouldn't exist that much for you. So instead of asking yourself how do I control the situation, start to ask yourself what am I actually feeling and can I stay with myself in that? And if you want to go deeper into this, I created a guide that's called Move Yourself Through Fear Without Losing Yourself. You will find it in the link in my bios, in my social medias, and you will find it on my website. And remember this: your fears are your superpowers. The very thing that you're trying to avoid the most is the very thing that will set you free.