Afraid of suffering from FOMO if you ditch alcohol?

What if the fear of missing out is not really about missing out at all?

In this episode of The Alcohol Myth Podcast, Jonathan Ball and Ellen Beggs explore the myth that if you stop drinking, you will always feel like you are missing out.

FOMO can feel so convincing when you are changing your relationship with alcohol. Weddings, vacations, date nights, parties, dancing, celebrations, fancy dinners, and nights out can all seem like they will lose their magic without a drink in your hand.

But what if alcohol was never the magic?

In this conversation, Jonathan and Ellen talk about how much credit we give alcohol for the beautiful experiences around it, and how easily we can project misery into the future before we have even given ourselves a chance to experience something different.

They share stories about alcohol-free weddings, Las Vegas memories, dancing sober, fancy meals, travel, and the surprising pride that can come from showing up fully present. They also talk about the grief that can come with letting go of an old drinking identity, and why different does not have to mean worse.

If you have ever thought, “Will I still have fun if I do this without alcohol?” this episode will help you look at FOMO through a new lens.

You do not need to wait for rock bottom.
You do not need more willpower.
You just need a new way to understand what you are feeling and why you are reaching for the next drink.

If this episode resonates, please like, share, subscribe, and leave a comment with what stood out to you. We would love to hear what you want more of.

Send your questions, stories, or ideas for future episodes to thealcoholmyth@gmail.com. We read every message. We really do.

Connect with us:
Email: thealcoholmyth@gmail.com
Jonathan: https://livecreativeaf.com/
Ellen: https://ellenbiggscoaching.com/

Subscribe for more episodes pulling back the curtain on the alcohol myth.

Chapters
0:00 Future casting and the power of expectations
0:38 Welcome to The Alcohol Myth Podcast
1:26 The myth that alcohol-free means missing out
2:25 Why FOMO feels so convincing
4:10 Giving alcohol credit for the whole experience
6:00 Las Vegas, fancy meals, and distorted memories
8:18 Alcohol-free weddings and staying present
11:20 Dancing without drinking
13:10 The joy of missing out
15:05 You can experience something new
17:00 Pride before, during, and after the event
19:05 Different does not mean worse
21:18 Mourning the old drinking identity
24:00 Outgrowing the old version of yourself
26:05 How to reframe FOMO before an event
29:15 The benefits are still real, even if the night is imperfect
31:05 Closing thoughts and listener CTA

#AlcoholFree #SoberCurious #QuitDrinking #Sobriety #Recovery #AlcoholMyth #FOMO #JOMO #AlcoholFreeLife #SoberLife

Transcript

Future casting and the power of expectations

SPEAKER_00 0:00

The self-fulfilling nature of what you're projecting into the future and then what you actually experience is so powerful, like for good and for ill. If I think about an event that I'm going to and I decide I'm going to have a miserable time because I'm not allowing myself to drink, guess what? You are going to have a miserable time. But if instead you can kind of like future cast and be like, okay, I'm going to experience maybe instead I experience the joy of missing out. Maybe instead I experience like, what would it be like to go and have this novelty? Why does the world act like alcohol is the answer,

Welcome to The Alcohol Myth Podcast

SPEAKER_00 0:38

even while it is creating problems of its own?

SPEAKER_02 0:40

On the Alcohol Myth podcast, we pull back the curtain so you can see what's really going on with alcohol and what life could be like without it.

SPEAKER_00 0:46

We are coaches trained in this naked mind and effective liminal psychology who fell for the alcohol myth for decades. Now we help people take back control of their lives by changing their relationship with alcohol from the inside out.

SPEAKER_02 0:58

You don't need to wait for a rock bottom. You don't need more willpower. You just need a new way to understand what you are feeling and why you are reaching for that next drink.

SPEAKER_00 1:07

So let's dig in. So today's episode

The myth that alcohol-free means missing out

SPEAKER_00 1:26

is a great one. It's all about the myth that if I'm not drinking alcohol, I'll always feel like I'm missing out. We're talking about FOMO today, and uh how that relates to your alcohol-free journey and how you can move towards a life that uh doesn't have alcohol in the driver's seat, has you in the driver's seat instead. So I'm one of your hosts, Jonathan Ball, and I'm joined today by the wonderful, the beautiful, the talented Ellen Biggs. Hey, Ellen.

SPEAKER_01 1:57

Hey, Jonathan. It's good to see you. It's been a little while since we connected. So it's fun to be.

SPEAKER_00 2:02

Um, so when we talk about the fear of missing out as it relates to alcohol, um, what springs to mind for you?

SPEAKER_02 2:10

So the reason we haven't connected in a little while is because I was on a little trip and I um went to a um a wedding recently. And what comes up for me around FOMO is that I I remember when I was drinking

Why FOMO feels so convincing

SPEAKER_02 2:25

and when I was even experimenting with not drinking, like one of the things, the recurring thoughts that kept coming up for me was like, I will never get to enjoy, you know, the fun experience of being at a wedding and drinking and dancing and all of that again if I give up alcohol. Or, you know, insert, I will never get to experience, you know, drinking at a winery, or, you know, I will never get to experience a date night with my husband over a bottle of wine again. And there were so many of those things that I had placed so much emphasis on the alcohol part of that experience. And I couldn't get past that, you know, like we we've talked about that before. Like we give alcohol so much credit for these beautiful experiences. But in that frame of mind, I was really like, How will I ever do this? Because if I can't drink at that thing, then it's not even worth doing. I mean, that's really what I thought. I think if I look back on it, I'm like, well, why would I want to have a date night with my husband if I couldn't drink? I mean, it's so stupid when I look at it, but it was so intertwined in that, and that that sense of feeling like I would truly, truly be missing out was a really limiting belief. And um, and I'm so you know, delighted to and we can talk about like how that's shifted, but I I'm curious for you, like the idea of FOMO, like what what role did that play in your relationship with change, you know, changing a relationship with alcohol? Because for me, that was really big.

SPEAKER_00 4:07

Yeah, fear of missing out

Giving alcohol credit for the whole experience

SPEAKER_00 4:10

is I I was just like thinking about the phrase, and it's fear, right? Like we as human beings, experiencing fear is not a pleasant experience, it's it's something to be avoided for sure. Uh and the fear of missing out is so much about uh thinking about the future and taking this uh kind of negative uh vision of what the future is going to hold, right? Like you don't experience like the we we say the fear of missing out, we don't experience the in the moment missing out, right? Like we have a phrase for FOMO, we don't just say like mo, like missing out, it's the fear of missing out. Um, and I I could totally relate with uh what you were saying before about thinking about things in the future and feeling certain that they wouldn't be as much fun or they wouldn't be as uh engaging or meaningful or deep or whatever kind of like positive feeling I was trying to experience if I wasn't drinking. Uh, and that definitely does keep you stuck. I I remember the my first round of uh dropping alcohol out of my life, it was probably a couple of years after my wife and I had our first trip to Las Vegas and we were contemplating another trip to Vegas, and I was really struggling with the idea of going to Las Vegas and not drinking anything. What would it even be fun? Would would there be a point to it? But if you examine that a little bit closer, right? Like the idea that the only point of going to Las Vegas is to drink, and if you can't drink in Las Vegas, then it's all pointless. Like, a

Las Vegas, fancy meals, and distorted memories

SPEAKER_00 6:00

not a very good advertisement for Las Vegas. If like you if the only way that it's fun is that you're drinking a substance that you could literally drink any other day of the week sitting on your couch, right? Like uh that's the same experience that you're having over there. Um, but B, like the other thing that we've talked about a ton of times on here is is the idea that we give so much credit to alcohol for all of the other cool stuff that we were doing, right? Like I think about Las Vegas, and if I'm not careful, I just think about the drinking. But in actuality, we were doing something totally totally new, totally different for us. Uh, when we went to Las Vegas, it was pretty early on in our relationship, so that was new and exciting. Um, neither of us had ever been there before. We saw shows, we saw uh we had incredible food, we spent lots and lots of time together, right? Like all those things, that's what was enjoyable. Um, and if anything, I remember um part of our Las Vegas experience was going to a Michelin star restaurant. I'm I love to eat, I love food. Uh first time and only time since that I've been to such a fancy place. And we had the the wine pairing with the meal, of course, because we're having this elevated experience. And I mean, I barely remember the back half of this like once-in-a-lifetime food experience because of how much drinking I'd done prior to that, and then how like we had a full glass of wine with every single tiny little course of food that we were having. Um, I think it was probably fun. I know that it resulted in at least one or two arguments on the trip because we were both cranky and tired. But, anyways, it's just it's another way of um, I guess the fear of missing out, we can oftentimes counteract it with like a quick reality check, right? Like if I'm looking into the future and I'm experiencing this fear because I'm looking at it from this like negative or deficit, or I'm depriving myself lens. Is that lens, do I know that to be a hundred percent true? Is there another

Alcohol-free weddings and staying present

SPEAKER_00 8:18

lens that I can take when I look into the future that isn't rooted in deprivation?

SPEAKER_02 8:24

So yeah, I it you I love that story about Las Vegas. It's making me think about this wedding that I just went to. Um, it's the first time I've been to a big wedding like that. I've had I went to one other wedding earlier on in my AF time, but it was really small and um it it felt like a big thing at the time, but this felt even bigger. And I'm two and a half years alcohol-free now, and I didn't have any thoughts about wanting to drink really, but I was super curious how I would feel throughout the whole experience because a lot of the I mean, the it was a beautiful celebration, not all centered around alcohol, but there were, you know, they they had their they got they have a favorite vineyard that they get their champagne from in France. So they had cases of this special champagne, they had signature cocktails because the groom is really into mixology and he so he made his own signature cocktails. They had April Spritz, which was like my drink, and um, you know, of course, wet red wine and white wine and the whole bit, and um and and beautiful food, which I, you know, in the past always associated with, you know, the intermingling of food and wine, and and it was in Europe, so there's that whole extra layer of like exotic, fancy, sophisticated, right? Um, and I when I was there, I had this thought like I could totally see a scenario where I would be here and be really like pissy, you know, really kind of resentful. Oh, I don't get to, I don't get to enjoy or I don't get to experience all the XYZ fun, you know, pleasure because I am not drinking. And and it was like that is that is a mindset that is easy to stay stuck in, you know? It is because if you can look around and you see everybody else and everybody else is enjoying, and everybody there doesn't seem to be any negative consequences, at least in the first half of the evening, right? And it's like, oh gosh, I'm the only I'm the only one that can't do this. Poor me, right? But I because I think I do this work and because we talk about this kind of stuff all the time, I it was that was like that was a flash that came in, and then I was like, I'm actually so freaking lucky because I get to experience the beauty of all of this stuff and be fully present for it. And like I had this like badassery feeling to myself. Like, I I get to like enjoy this wedding and I don't need the crutch of alcohol, you know, and I'm not saying that everyone there was using alcohol as a crutch. I'm I'm I'm not I I really don't want to place judgment on the people that were there and drinking because you know, they were a lot younger than me, that most of them were in their 30s, and um and I, you know, they were having a grand old time, and I was super happy for them to have their grand old time,

Dancing without drinking

SPEAKER_02 11:20

but I'm also super happy that my grand old time was amazing for me, where I am in my life right now, with no negative consequences. Like, I I mean, to to be able to be there and be a part of it and experience it and and and I mean, I was like, well, am I gonna like dancing without alcohol? Because I used to love to dance. And this was my first real chance to like dance. And I I had my hands up in the air just like I did when I was younger, you know, and just like I did when I was drinking. It like that it was so fun. And um, and I just, you know, I got to go to bed at night and feel good and remember it and wake up the next morning and still feel good. And like even my my daughters were there and they were um, they're 21 and 23, and they were having April Spritz, and that was like my drink. And so there was a little bit of me like, oh, that was my drink. And my daughter, she's like, Yeah, but mom, you're gonna feel so much better than me tomorrow. I'm like, yeah, absolutely I am. And I, you know, other than the little flavor of that bitter taste, like I don't know what I was really, I wouldn't have wanted it, you know? So it's so much about this idea that we we think we need it, we think we need it to enjoy. And as long as we think we need it to enjoy, we will too, right? So it's it's getting to that place of recognizing or seeing or believing or trusting that, or even just getting curious. Like, is it possible for me to like kind of how is it possible that I'm gonna enjoy dancing? You know, who knows? Maybe I wouldn't have. Maybe I'm not a dancer, but turns out I am.

SPEAKER_00 13:00

The self-fulfilling nature of what you're projecting into the future and then what you actually experience is so powerful, like for good and for ill. If I think

The joy of missing out

SPEAKER_00 13:10

about an event that I'm going to and I decide I'm gonna have a miserable time because I'm not allowing myself to drink, guess what? You are going to have a miserable time. But if instead you can kind of like future cast and be like, okay, I'm going to experience maybe instead I experience the joy of missing out. Maybe instead I experience like, what would it be like to go and have this novelty where I go to the wedding or I go to Las Vegas and I don't have a drink? Because guess what? I've already also done that before, right? Like be we're we're talking about this stuff and we're trying to grapple with getting a handle on our relationship with alcohol because we've already been on that train, right? We've already had that experience. What if instead I allow myself, instead of depriving myself of alcohol, what if I allow myself to experience this new thing in a new way? What could that be like? What's possible? And you have these like beautiful discoveries that are waiting for you when you start to do that. Like Ellen, you got to find out, yeah, I can cut a rug, I can dance like I don't care, even without uh without alcohol. Uh and that's such a relatable experience. Like I recently, a couple of weeks ago, went to a wedding and had the same experience. I was like, oh, dancing is still fun. I can still get down. And I got to enjoy all the upside of being present, being elevated in this elevated experience. Everybody's happy, everybody's celebrating, and none of the downside. I didn't, I wasn't constantly distracted with um where I'm figuring out to get my next drink. I wasn't constantly distracted with uh knowing that I needed to drive us home. I wasn't constantly distracted

You can experience something new

SPEAKER_00 15:05

with pre morning the morning, right? Like I just it um you get to experience all the upside and the downside. And it's it's even better because when you're when you're dancing or celebrating, or when you're present and having a good time and alcohol isn't involved, then you get the added joy of knowing that that's all from you, right? It's all intrinsic. This is me in this moment. It's I can't point to something else outside of me. What does that say about me that I can have this much fun and be this present? And I am not attributing that to anything outside of myself.

SPEAKER_02 15:54

Yeah, you know, I as you were saying that, I was thinking about like even before the event, the the pleasure, the pride is present when you're when you choose not to drink. Because it was like I used to make the trade-off all the time because I didn't want to miss out on any of the things, on any of the drinking, on any of the activities. It was like, okay, well, we just have to make this trade-off that we're gonna have this big old night, and then tomorrow's gonna be wrecked. And so going into the event, I was like, huh, isn't that so interesting that I don't have to make that trade-off? Like, I can have whatever tonight is gonna be like, I can go into it excited, which I did, curious, which I did, have fun, which I did, and know that tomorrow is a whole nother situation. There's no there's no like automatic correlation that I am destined to feel like crap tomorrow if I have a good time tonight. And that's super liberating. It's and you know, I I would say like of course it's not the same when you're

Pride before, during, and after the event

SPEAKER_02 17:00

and I think we can um often get confused and think, well, it's not gonna be the same. I'm not gonna be as free, I'm not gonna be as fun, it's not gonna be as crazy, I'm not gonna be as all the things that we think we want. And it was like, yeah, no, I I was not that. I I was not crazy. I didn't stay up to with everybody until 3 a.m. I went to bed at midnight. I mean, I I do I get tired when I'm not pushing through my tiredness with drinks. The thing started at five. So from five to midnight, I might feel like that was a pretty, a pretty good amount of time for me because I wanted to be able to have a good morning in the morning too. So yeah, it is and and and in the especially in the early days of being alcohol free, I feel like I needed to grieve a little bit that part of me that would just have like this total, I don't know, almost like an alternate personality that I was gonna you know, just take on for the evening, just this free, fun, what do whatever anything goes kind of person. And I thought that that was what I wanted. I thought I liked that part of me. And I'm not gonna demonize that part of me because it served me in lots of parts of my life. But I realized now, like, I don't need to have that attitude to to have fun. I don't need to have that attitude to like be welcome or invited at a party. You know, I think I I think I thought that you know, that was what the ticket to entry for something like that. Like as free and fun as I could be, I would be everyone would want me at their party, right? And it's like I didn't even give people a chance to really just have me show up at the party.

SPEAKER_00 18:42

What are we giving up by not showing up as ourselves? And what are we depriving others of being able to experience if we show up for ourselves? And that also made me think of another um, you said that it's different. I think that that's another thing that keeps people stuck. I've I've

Different does not mean worse

SPEAKER_00 19:05

actually got a client right now who is mourning that you know he'll go to these summer events or go on the lake or something like that, and it's different. And I've been working with him to help him see that it is different to show up in a different way, but different doesn't mean worse, different just means different. But especially when we know one way so well, then different can feel like woo, right? Like it just it it can feel hard. And I also love Ellen what you said about mourning, you know, like there is an element of mourning what was like it's okay to be giving up on certain aspects of like who you were while you were drinking, and you might even mourn the some of the decisions you made, and you might even mourn that if you decide to continue not drinking, you won't be the one that's up until 3 a.m. drinking everybody under the table. It's okay to mourn that. That is that was part of life, and you know, is part of you, and if that's not the decision that you're gonna make going forward, that that is a loss of some variety, okay, right? That's okay. We can we can mourn that and still choose better for ourselves. I think this is um that's something that uh a lot of uh sober spaces and alcohol free talk doesn't do uh justice, is that part of it is mourning, and part of it is sad. You're giving up a version of yourself, and it's okay to mourn that and still decide at the end of the day, I would rather have the upside of getting this figured out, right? I mean, if I could if I could flip a switch and

Mourning the old drinking identity

SPEAKER_00 21:18

trade being the life of the party, Jonathan, and being, you know, like the uh big funny guy who didn't at least on the outside look like he had a care in the world or be who I am now, I would flip that switch every single time, right? Like because I get to show up in so many, so many better ways than that old version of myself. Um I'm gonna have to demonize, like you said, we don't have to demonize an old version of ourselves in order to um be uh the new better version of ourselves. I don't know, that's a big word salad, but I just yeah, no, I what you were saying made me think uh it this idea.

SPEAKER_02 22:00

Of we are becoming a new version of ourselves. And I think some people get stuck in regret or like making it wrong how we were before. And then other people might get stuck in glamorizing or believing that it's so it was so, you know, we don't we don't want to give that part of ourselves up. And I think what the truth is more in the middle. It's like we it's almost like we are outgrowing that version of ourselves and we're moving into something new and unknown. And because it's new and unknown, it feels uncomfortable. And um, you know, I'm just imagining your client like that. I mean, because I experience that as well. It's like, well, who, how is that gonna be? And the immediate thought is it's gonna be uncomfortable, and uncomfortable equals bad, right? And the other way to look at that is like it's going to be novel, it's gonna be new, it's gonna be something different, it's gonna be something maybe interesting, and there might be some discomfort that goes along the way, but like, yeah, we can go back and just do the same thing we've been doing for every weekend for the last 30 years, you know, and that that's a choice. I mean, yeah. And we will never then get to find out what it might be like without it. And yes, you might be different, and yes, the relationship might be different, and yes, what you enjoy might turn out to be different, but how will we know unless we give it that that shot? And I and I feel like the more opportunities we give ourselves to have the authentic real experience of being fully present and unaltered, un you know, not drinking, that's the only way we're gonna like discover who we really are, what we really like, instead of just you know having the drink and performing the same performance. And it's I don't know, yeah, it's uncomfortable,

Outgrowing the old version of yourself

SPEAKER_02 24:00

like no doubt. And we're leaving that old mask, that old character, that old actor performance of the big drinking person behind. And there's parts of that person that I loved, you know. I mean, I I had a lot of good times drinking. I, you know, they weren't all bad. And I and I think I especially the last 10 years, I think I kept clinging on to like that that fun version of me drinking, you know, that maybe didn't happen nearly as often anymore as it used to. And but it was so hard to let go of that version, and it was only in letting go of her that I was like, oh dang, like there's another really cool version of me on the other side of this that I'm excited to explore.

SPEAKER_00 24:46

I love that. Um, we started this episode talking about the fear of missing out, and about how it is a kind of a negative projection onto the future. And so to make this practical for anybody, I think my advice would be twofold. When you notice yourself uh experiencing FOMO, A recognize it, awareness is the number one thing that you can do for yourself, and B realize that that is a uh projection on the future, that is a thing that has not happened, and that is a lens through which to view that thing that has not happened. And so, is there a better lens that you can choose to view that future event? For instance, if I look at like an upcoming wedding that I've got to go to and I am working on not drinking, I can think about that wedding and be like, oh, I'm so afraid that it's gonna be a terrible time. I'm gonna have cravings the whole time, I'm gonna be depriving myself, everybody's gonna be looking at me and thinking that I'm a weirdo for not partaking. They're gonna ask me a bunch of uncomfortable questions, and that's gonna be terrible.

How to reframe FOMO before an event

SPEAKER_00 26:05

Or can I try on a different lens because it's a thing that hasn't happened yet, right? Like you can't predict the future. It's equally valid to try on the lens of I'm gonna go and see what it's like. I'm gonna be an experimenter mindset, and I'm going to find out for myself what do I enjoy about this uh event? What is what am I curious about? What can I discover um that is new and exciting? I'm gonna go and give myself an experience that I've never had before. What's that gonna be like? Can I be curious about that? Can I be a little excited about that? Uh treat it like a game. Be like, oh wow, what's gonna happen? Uh and you're going to have such a better time. Our projections for the future are so powerful. We are kind of like a self-fulfilling prophecy machine. If I look at it, I'm like, I'm gonna have a terrible time, you're probably right. If I look at it and I think, oh, this is gonna be amazing. I'm so curious about it, you're probably right.

SPEAKER_02 27:14

Yeah, totally. And the only thing I would, because I all of that, the only thing I would maybe add is just like if you run into a situation where you're like, ah, I'm not sure. This feels like it kind of sucks, like, remind yourself of all the benefits of what you're doing, right? You're keeping a promise to yourself. You're gonna wake up in the morning not hung over, you're gonna, you know, get to experience something new, you're gonna feel proud in the morning. Like there are, no matter if the experience itself ends up being maybe not what you hoped it was, there are tangible benefits to doing anything alcohol-free. I mean, there just are. There are so if you need to hang on to some little thing about, well, it's might might not be the best thing ever. I mean, I don't go in with that attitude. Like Jonathan said, go in with the attitude of like, let's find out how cool this is can be. And at a minimum, I know I'm gonna wake up not hungover tomorrow. So there's that, right? Like stack the deck in your favor already.

SPEAKER_00 28:13

Yeah, I love that. Um, and like the point part of the like showing up in an experiment or mindset is like you might go and find out this kind of blows. Like, I don't I don't even like these people. Wouldn't you rather know that you don't like those people and you really only like the addictive substance you were allowing yourself to consume around them? Like, much better to know and find out and be like, hmm, logging that away. Gonna make some different decisions in the future, right? Like it's better to it's better to know, not to mention the numerous other benefits, like Ellen was saying.

SPEAKER_02 28:48

Yeah, and the novelty of it, like experience with that. Like, oh, I get to do something completely new and different. Because I think that's why a lot of people drink. At least how I drink. I was like, oh, I'm gonna have such a fun time tonight. Like, alcohol is gonna bring me that because I wanted something new and fun. And it's not new or fun. I mean, yes, it can be fun. It's not new, you know exactly what's gonna happen. Like, there's nothing new about it.

SPEAKER_00 29:14

Yeah, 100%.

The benefits are still real, even if the night is imperfect

SPEAKER_00 29:16

Well, Ellen, thank you so much for this great conversation on the fear of missing out. Uh, until next time, I've been Jonathan.

SPEAKER_02 29:24

Yeah, and I'm Ellen. Great to see you all.

SPEAKER_00 29:26

Have a beautiful day. Thanks for listening to the Alcohol Myth Podcast.

SPEAKER_02 29:30

If this episode sparked something for you, we'd love to hear about it.

SPEAKER_00 29:33

Send your questions, stories, or ideas for future episodes to thealcoholmyth at gmail.com.

SPEAKER_02 29:40

We read every message. We really do.

SPEAKER_00 29:42

Take good care of yourself. We'll see you next time.