Alcohol-Free Birthdays: How to Celebrate Without a Drink

How to celebrate a birthday without alcohol, and what actually counts as a treat instead

Ellen turned 55 last week. It was her third alcohol-free birthday. She and Jonathan Ball spend this episode taking apart one of the stickiest beliefs in drinking culture: that alcohol is a treat, and that a celebration needs it to count.

Ellen walks through all three years. The first one she was scared of, so she made one rule, nothing off limits except the alcohol, and loaded the day with mocktails, alcohol-free champagne, cake, ice cream, everything she actually wanted. It worked. By year two the old pathway lit up briefly and she noticed it without following it. By year three alcohol was not on her radar at all, and the thing she had to question instead was a family tradition she had never once examined. The same chocolate mint cake for 50 years. A dinner out, because that is what you do.

Jonathan shares the birthday he decided to elevate with champagne and felt nothing. He was doing it so often that the special occasion version had stopped being special. That is the mechanism worth understanding. A reward you claim most nights has quietly become a routine wearing a reward's clothes.

They get practical in the back half. Ellen offers the question she uses with clients: what leaves you feeling better than you started? Alcohol might feel like a treat in the moment, but the full picture includes the sleep, the mood and the next morning. Real treats exist that do not send a bill. Special food, an event you have wanted to go to, better coffee, an evening on your own with a book. The work is finding yours, and being patient while the first few feel strange.

They also talk about what happens when you stop running the birthday script on autopilot. Your world stops being organized around one substance, and it gets noticeably bigger.

If a celebration is coming up and you are dreading it, start here.

Work with Jonathan: https://livecreativeaf.com/  |  Work with Ellen: https://ellenbiggscoaching.com/

CHAPTERS
00:00 The myth: alcohol is a treat
02:37 Inherited rules about birthdays
05:14 Fifty years of the same cake
07:51 Year one: nothing off limits
10:28 Learning to hear yourself again
13:05 The birthday script on autopilot
15:42 A beach trip without margaritas
18:19 Why your brain panics first
20:56 So what counts as a treat?
23:33 Treats with fewer consequences
26:10 Give it more than one try

FROM THIS EPISODE
"A treat is just something that leaves me feeling better than I started."

QUESTIONS THIS EPISODE ANSWERS

Q: How do you celebrate a birthday without alcohol?
A: You celebrate a birthday without alcohol by making sure nothing else is off limits. Ellen loaded her first alcohol-free birthday with mocktails, alcohol-free champagne, favorite food, cake and ice cream, so the day still felt abundant. Alcohol was the only thing removed, and the celebration itself stayed completely intact.

Q: Why does alcohol feel like a treat?
A: Alcohol feels like a treat because we pair it with celebration from an early age, long before we ever drink it. Birthdays, weddings and holidays all carry the association, so opening a bottle fires a small celebratory signal in the brain even on an ordinary Tuesday night.

Q: What can I do instead of drinking to reward myself?
A: Instead of drinking to reward yourself, look for things that leave you feeling better than you started. Special food, an event you have wanted to attend, sleeping in, better coffee, a bath, a book, a piece of jewelry. The test is whether it costs you anything tomorrow.

Q: Is the first alcohol-free birthday hard?
A: The first alcohol-free birthday is usually the hardest, because your brain has no template for it and reads unfamiliar as unsafe. Ellen found year one nervy, year two briefly noisy, and year three genuinely easy. The discomfort comes from unfamiliarity, and it passes quickly.

You do not need to wait for rock bottom.
You do not need more willpower.
You just need a new way to understand what you are feeling and why you are reaching for the next drink.

If this episode resonates, please like, share, subscribe, and leave a comment with what stood out to you. We would love to hear what you want more of.

Send your questions, stories, or ideas for future episodes to thealcoholmyth@gmail.com. We read every message. We really do.

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Ellen Biggs Coaching: https://ellenbiggscoaching.com/

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Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:00

We get so confused by society's expectations of what we're meant to be doing around celebrations that we really lose touch with what really feels like a trait to us.

SPEAKER_00 0:11

Why does the world act like alcohol is the answer, even while it is creating problems of its own?

SPEAKER_01 0:15

On the Alcohol Myth podcast, we pull back the curtain so you can see what's really going on with alcohol and what life could be like without it.

SPEAKER_00 0:22

We are coaches trained in this naked mind and effective liminal psychology who fell for the alcohol myth for decades. Now we help people take back control of their lives by changing their relationship with alcohol from the inside out.

SPEAKER_01 0:34

You don't need to wait for a rock bottom. You don't need more willpower. You just need a new way to understand what you are feeling and why you are reaching for that next drink.

SPEAKER_00 0:43

So let's dig in.

SPEAKER_02 0:56

Hey, good to be here with you.

SPEAKER_00 0:58

Good to be here with you, Ellen. And today we are tackling the myth that alcohol is a treat for me. Uh, we're also kind of thinking about this as alcohol is a great treat or reward, uh, especially for celebrations, say for like a birthday that my lovely co-host has recently had. How was your birthday, Ellen?

SPEAKER_02 1:20

It was great. Thank you. Yeah, I turned 55 last week. And um it was my third alcohol-free birthday. So it was not the first, um, because the first I think is always a little trickier, but each each one, it's just incredible, like what I learn and experience with each one. And the more I learn about treat, it's also super interesting, right? Because what I used to believe was a treat is very different from what I believe about a treat now. So I'm excited to kind of talk about that. But also just how we, you know, we um inherit so much of our beliefs around what a birthday looks like or should look like. And um little by little over these three years, and and also celebrating other birthdays about, you know, my kids or my husband, or, you know, like having giving myself and everyone around me the permission to um reimagine, you know, what a birth what how they want their birthday to look if they can, and how I wanted mine to look if I can let go of some of those sort of uh ideas that are just driven by society, driven by my family traditions, driven by, you know, what I see happening all over the world and on media and TVs and books, you know, like I I think we get so um convinced that a birthday looks like this for it to be happy and successful and celebratory. And um, and when you like allow yourself to just blank slate, like what do I actually want on my birthday if I didn't have to tick off XYZ things? It's interesting what arises.

SPEAKER_00 3:11

I love that. We're so we're so indoctrinated from such an early age to think about the connection between a celebration, like a birthday and alcohol. And like what else do we have for birthdays, right? Like we have cakes and we have sweets, and like all of these things very strongly associate alcohol with the idea that this is a treat, this is a reward, this is a special occasion. And then we go forward, and I don't know about you, but I wasn't eating cake every single day, right? Like I wasn't uh, but it still had that celebratory connection, right? So like I could crack a beer and feel like a little mini celebration in my brain, um, way more often than I would like tuck into some cupcakes, right? So I just think it's really interesting, like from an early age, like we're pairing these things and kind of making those connections.

SPEAKER_02 4:04

It's so true. And I can remember, I I've shared this in the past, but I can remember having a birthday where I was like, I wanted to make it special, elevate the experience like we want on a, you know, and I was like, okay, I'm gonna have champagne on my birthday, and I just feeling so deflated that that was not even special because I I had, you know, prosecco or, you know, maybe I might have a little more expensive bottle of it on my birthday, but it was really, it wasn't like, and it would just like this realization that wow, I I do this thing so often, it's not even really special anymore, you know.

SPEAKER_00 4:44

Yeah. Well, take me back, Ellen. You said that you this is your third alcohol-free birthday, huge celebration there. Um, and that you're thinking around alcohol as it relates to your birthday, or like alcohol as a retreat or reward or or marking a special occasion, has changed so much. So walk us all the way back to you know how you used to view alcohol and celebration and what has changed or evolved.

SPEAKER_02 5:15

Yeah. So I mean, before I started working on all of this, my birthday would have included um alcohol for sure. It might have started earlier in the day, it might have been a little bit fancier, there might have been permission to have a little bit more, but it would have been at the like front and center as part of whatever I was doing. My birthday would also include, I mean, 95% of the time, only if I couldn't make it happen, like a nice dinner out, right? Like at a nice restaurant or some very special meal that somebody made for me. Um, it would always include cake. I was a big my family, you know, one of our family traditions is my sister and I both have a cake that we have had on our birthdays. Like I have one and she has one. Mine was chocolate mint, hers was lemon. And that would be the cake that we had every year on our birthday. I mean, for like 50 years, I had the same cake. And and I on the one hand, I love that tradition. And on the other hand, it's like it's really constraining when you think that the only thing you can have on your birthday to make it your birthday is the same cake you've been having since you were five years old. I but I didn't see it that way before. I was like, no, birthday equals chocolate mint cake, you know? So it's again, it's one of these things that I wasn't even questioning it. I was blind to it. Um, so the first year I went alcohol free and I didn't want to have alcohol on my birthday, I was like, okay, but I'm gonna have every other thing, right? I'm gonna go overboard on the yumminess of the food and the the cake and the ice cream, and I'm gonna like really um throw in all the extra treats so that I don't feel um deprived of celebratory experience on my birthday. And that worked, actually. That was that was great. That was a great way to do it. I had mocktails, I had, you know, the alcohol-free champagne and mocktails and all the things. Like I like talk about an overload of sensory experience. I just gave myself everything I wanted. There was nothing was off limits. And um, and I'm and it was great actually, because like I was scared about that birthday. I was, I didn't, I, I, I wasn't sure I could have a nice birthday without having alcohol. I mean, it it's kind of sad to reflect on that, but I I think I'm not alone, right? It it's it's become such a part of what we experience. I mean, your friends are gonna want to buy you drinks. You're, you know, they're gonna bring over wine. Like we're we're all uh we've all bought into the idea. And so not only was I worried, I think everybody around me was worried. And then it was like, well, I have to make sure that they're happy too. So let's have them be able to drink whatever they want. And then, and then you're up against that kind of a thing, too. So um, but I think that that was really useful to just be like, nothing is off limits except the alcohol. And um, and it felt I remember it feeling celebratory. I was super proud of myself. I did it. And then just fast forward to now this year, like I wasn't worried about the alcohol at all. Like, alcohol isn't even on my radar anymore. Like, I it was not um year two, I think it it kind of popped up again, like, oh, this is the time when I would, and I didn't want it, but it was interesting that neural pathway got got a little fiery, right? It was like, hmm, this is there's something missing, right? That that message that there's something missing. And I was like, Yeah, yeah, but I don't really want that thing, so that's okay, you know. And this year it was just like, wow, like I got stuck on this idea of I need to go out to dinner on my birthday. I didn't like the timing of it. I'm I'm at the lake, my my sister's visiting, we were had we wanted to do, I wanted to go to the farmer's market the morning, I wanted to do all these different things and the time and I and I really am enjoying the evening on the beach. And I was like, how am I gonna I don't know, I just was and then I had this realization, it's like, what if you don't have to go out to dinner on your birthday? I mean, it's such a simple thing, but it was like mind blowing to me. Like, oh my gosh, I don't I don't have to do that. And if I so anyway, long story short, we ended up going out for a really lovely lunch and um and had all of my treats, all of my had my strawberry shortcake. I didn't have the cake. I had, you know, I it it just I I think my what I wanted to communicate with all of this in my very wordy way is that we just take for granted on autopilot all the things we think we need as treats, as celebration, as and when we can really step back and give ourselves permission to investigate what we really want without worrying about disappointing other people too. Cause I was like, oh my God, is everybody gonna be okay if they don't take me out to dinner on my birthday? Like that's what we've done for the last 50 years, you know, like but communicating about that, sharing how I was feeling, getting, you know, and and being like, I'm much more okay now being like, yeah, this is what I want. And um, guess what? I I have a seat at the table now, whereas before I never felt like I did. And that's the work of being alcohol free for three years and like doing a lot of self-work. But anyway, I talked a lot.

SPEAKER_00 10:31

So Oh, Ellen, that's so good. There's so much good stuff in there. I just um I I love hearing about the evolution of the years kind of going by and how your thinking is changed and evolved, how it started with this kind of like big nervy experience with your first alcohol-free birthday. That's a true FFT, right? It's a freaking first time getting through your birthday and not drinking when historically that's been such a huge part. And then it being a little bit easier the next year. And then by year three, you're like, oh, I get to define for myself what feels celebratory. And it doesn't have to be just this one thing that I've always done. I can actually ask myself, and at that point, too, you've grown the capacity or the ability to listen to yourself. I think that's a that's a big part of this whole alcohol-free experience, is that it takes time and practice to even learn how to tune in and truly listen and hear from yourself what you want for you. And it sounds weird, like you know, it's just it's just you, like, you know, it's not like there's static in the way, but for so long there has been, right? Like we've trained ourselves to tune ourselves out with alcohol, and it takes a little while to tune back in. And then once you tune back in, like you also went through the step of communicating with the people around you, like the needs that you had for how you wanted to feel celebrated, and and that's a whole nother experience, too, right? Like that you were able to um you you know that you are worth stepping forward and communicating what you need, and you um you're surrounded by people in your life that are ready to to meet you there, and that's that's another beautiful thing to celebrate.

SPEAKER_02 12:24

And I think what the gift in that too, if is for me and for the people that love me and want to celebrate me, right? Because when we're stuck in that belief that, oh, I have to do this for them, which is how I used to always feel like, well, this is what we've always done, and I don't want to be disruptive, and everybody's gonna expect this of me, so I'll just do whatever everybody, you know. But the thing is, what I never used to just even ask, do you like this? Do you want to do this? Do are we want cake? Can we do you know? And so being able to yeah, have that communication, which comes from practicing that, you know, like um recognizing that um uh my thoughts and fears and expectations are not always true, and um and yeah, it just opens up worlds of of possibility.

SPEAKER_00 13:12

Freeing ourselves brings freedom to other people. That's one of the biggest reasons this work is so important. Yes, it's for you, yes, it's about you, yes, it's your journey, and in walking your journey, you are mapping a path for other people to find their own freedom. It's this it's this beautiful kind of like rippling effect that um that we get to engage in when we decide to yeah, just unshackle ourselves from our old patterns and our old ways of thinking about things. Like I I definitely relate to that experience of thinking that alcohol is this like got-to-have treat that that's you know, I don't think that I had a sober birthday uh, you know, like since I started this whole like alcohol-free experience uh for decades.

SPEAKER_02 14:07

And since the first time you probably drank on your birthday, right? I don't think I had you know, ever since then.

SPEAKER_00 14:12

Yeah, do you go back until you're done, right? Like I just I don't think so. And so to to have done um a couple of alcohol-free birthdays at this point, and just to to breeze through them and to to know what it used to look like, because you're right, like it's so like when you feel like you have to have these certain things because you've always had them, or like you're kind of running the birthday script on autopilot, or the treat yourself script on autopilot, it gets so prescriptive and so narrow. Like everything has to revolve around the alcohol. When can I start and not look like an alcoholic? How much can I drink and not look like an alcoholic? Where can I go when I'm soused and I need to manage, you know, my travel, right? Like, how am I getting around? You know, like and who am I hanging out with, right? Like all of it just becomes so narrow and so prescriptive. And the thing that one of the delights of taking back control over my drinking has been just realizing how much other stuff there is to do in the world, right? When you're when your main thing, when your hobby, your personality, your way to relax, your way to socialize, when all of the all of that, the answer is alcohol, your world gets so small. And when you realize that that is the thing that's making your world small, and you decide to shape, reshape your beliefs around it into something that's better, the world opens up, and you're like, Oh my gosh, I could do this, I could do that, I could do this, I could do that. While you were having your birthday, I was at the beach, and talk about a trigger for drinking, right? Like historically, that has been a huge, um, a huge time on vacation. Okay, that's time to drink. And on the beach, right? Like, how are you gonna be out there and not have margaritas? Um, and at the beach, I had so many different and new experiences. I saw different things, I went to different places, I ate different food. It wasn't all pigeonholed from the jump by me thinking that alcohol is this treat that I have to have.

SPEAKER_02 16:24

I think that's so important to highlight the the expansiveness of potential experiences that open up when we give up this one thing, this one thing that ties us to such a limited, narrow way to celebrate, relax, enjoy, connect. I mean, it it feels like the only way to do those things. And when you remove it, it's like, oh my god, there's a thousand ways to connect. There's a there's a hundred ways to celebrate my birthday. There's I I mean, and it's so hard to see when you're in it because it feels like, but but I I don't know how. I don't how who how what would a birthday even look like without alcohol? We can't even imagine it. And it takes that leap of faith to you know, hear from people like us that have gone through it, you know, read the books about it, uh, hear from on other podcasts and talk to people that have had the opportunity to see what it's like to have a birthday after years of drinking without drinking and see what it actually is like. And yes, the first one might be awkward and uncomfortable. Like that's that's we also have to accept that, right? Like our brain is not gonna know what to do. It's gonna get really, really confused and scared and it's gonna freak out. And then we do it, and the brain is like, huh, okay, that was okay. We didn't die. We actually got to wake up the next morning feeling okay. Like, when is the last time you got to do that after your birthday, Ellen? Like that actually felt okay. And very quickly the brain can kind of get on board, right? But that fear, that anxiety that comes up when we're making such a what feels like a drastic change, even though really the only thing we're doing is changing the liquid in our glass, right? Like if we get real, real about it, like you can do all that first year. I did all the same things. I just changed out the liquid. And you know, maybe for some people it might be good to just change everything, you know, like maybe that would feel better. Like there's different ways to go about it. Um, but as soon as the brain can uh have the the relief, the reassurance to know that, oh, that was okay, like we survived. Because I mean, our brains are wired to keep us alive. And so when we have drank every birthday for the past 30 years, our brain thinks that that's how we stay alive, that's how we survive, that's how we get through a birthday. That is, you know, because here we are, we're still alive, we've been doing that, right? And so it it gets scared. I mean, it and it doesn't know the fear of the unknown, uncertainty, all of that. We all experience it, and it comes from our brain wanting to just do the same thing it knows how to do, it's always done. And so it's just like having that willingness to experience a little uncertainty and and um and then and then the rewards are just so I mean, beyond imaginable, beyond.

SPEAKER_00 19:29

Yeah, I love that you called out like how hard it is to see while you're gripped in the throes of drinking more than you want to, that there are other things that are possible to do, right? In that spot where I was drinking as much as I wanted to, and more than I wanted to, and somebody was like, Hey, did you know that there's other things that you can do to celebrate, or there's other ways that you can treat yourself? I'd have been like, shut your mouth, right? Like, I just I just don't think I don't believe you, I think would have been how um how I would have responded. And it takes time to move out of that place, right? Like our brains need a chance to recalibrate and heal from the toxins that we've been um we've been foisting upon them. And so being patient with yourself in those early days as you're trying to figure out how can I treat myself without alcohol, I think is critical. It might take some time, it might take some trial and error. You might do it imperfectly at first, but that that sh that doesn't in any way reduce the reward on the other side of doing that work, right? Like it almost it almost increases that. Like you have to go through the bumps and the discomfort and the um trial and error, and the you have to you have to trudge through the trenches of change in order to reap the reward on the other side. Um, the the difficulty, the struggle doesn't diminish the sweetness of the reward, it only increases it. And so be patient with yourself as you're trying it out. Um, I know that somebody listening this far into the episode, Ellen, is going to be wondering okay, I believe you kind of, what are some things that I can do to treat myself or to feel a sense of celebration if I'm early on in my alcohol-free journey, and alcohol is the only way that I understand how to celebrate or treat myself.

SPEAKER_02 21:33

Yeah, I love that you asked this question because I've been thinking about like, what is a treat, right? What is what is a treat? And that that's going to be different for everyone. So, what I would encourage people to do is because if alcohol feels like a treat, which it did to me, you know, especially if I got my you know, Louvre Clicot champagne on my birthday, that was a treat, right? I've I fully believed and bought in that that was a treat. And it was, it felt like a Was for many, many years, and for many years it was a treat, and there were no real negative consequences. Like it was fun, it was festive, and and of course, and if you're you know in that place where it's still a treat, fine, you know, all good, but you're probably not here if that's the case, right? You're probably having you're probably experiencing some negative consequences from this so-called treat, right? So that was a big aha for me. It was like, I'm calling alcohol a treat. And alcohol, what it actually does, I mean, it might feel like a treat in the moment, okay. Even let's give it that. It feels like a treat in the moment, but the full picture of alcohol is it means I'm gonna be altered, I'm not gonna sleep well, I'm gonna wake up tomorrow, hung over, I'm gonna um, you know, experience mood swings and anxiety and all the things that comes with over-drinking my treat, right? So if I really like what it what do for me, a treat is something that leaves me feeling better than I I started. Something that's a little out of the ordinary, something that's a little special, something that makes me feel happy, connected, special. And so the question I would ask you to ask yourself is what is a treat for you? Like when you think about how you want to feel when you treat yourself. And if you were to take alcohol off the table, like even if you consider that a treat, but let's recognize that it's a treat that comes with consequences. What other treats are that sound like treats to you with that have less negative consequences? Because you know, that you can also have a whole chocolate cake. That's a treat. You know, but if you eat the whole cake, you might feel kind of sick, right? So we don't tend to do that. I mean, we'll drink the whole bottle of bubbly, but we won't tend to eat the whole chocolate. I mean, I might eat two or three slices, like yeah, and then I won't feel quite as well. So, but if you like, what is something that you can give yourself, you can experience, you can ask for, you can participate in that really feels like a treat that is not going to leave you feeling worse afterwards. And there are so many things. It might be treating yourself to a special event that you go to, some experience. It might be treating yourself to really special food. It might be treating yourself to, I don't know, sleeping in and having breakfast in bed. It might mean like buying a more expensive, nicer coffee ground that you want to like really have a ritual around coffee. Like it might be a piece of jewelry, it might be whatever your thing is that has fewer negative consequences than alcohol, just start there.

SPEAKER_00 24:45

I love that. That's such a good advice. And it's one of my favorite things that I hear you say often, Ellen, is like, how can we get our needs met with fewer consequences? And the thing about alcohol is that it's this we use it to solve a lot of problems, right? It's a kind of multi, multi-tool of uh, I don't know, substances, but it doesn't do anything really well, and it doesn't do anything without substantial consequences, and so it we we kind of latch on to it because it seems to fit the bill for a lot of different circumstances, and that stops us from getting really clear about what would be an even better tool or solution to this problem. And I love that advice of be brave and creative in finding new and better tools for life's problems, right? If new find better solutions for life's problems. Um, I think to add on to that, it will likely take some experimentation and it might you might find yourself trying and doing things that don't immediately fit the bill, and that's okay. Um, and something that you might try the first time might feel totally weird and foreign, and then you do it a second and a third time, and you're like, oh, wait, actually, this is great. Like I found that to be true with my mindfulness practice and meditation. The first little bit of time that I was trying it out, I was like, this is awful, and I hate it. Um, but it was just so unfamiliar and so uncomfortable and new. It took doing it a few times and then starting to see some of the benefits for me to decide that there was something worth sticking around for. And so again, I'm just I would admonish anybody thinking about trying to find new ways to celebrate or treat themselves, to be patient with yourself, but to take action, right? Like being patient doesn't mean sticking with the bad solution of alcohol. It means like have the courage to step forward and try and the creativity to find things that do work better.

SPEAKER_02 27:04

Yeah, and don't be surprised too if what you come up with is not, you know, the socially acceptable way to celebrate. Like you might be like, God, what really feels good to me? I'm tired, I've been working all week. I just, I might just want to like order in and read my book or take a bath, or you know, it might, and your friends might be or your partner might be like, we can't do that. It's your birthday, we gotta celebrate you. And like to be like, you know, uh, what I really, you know, trust yourself. Like this is we we get so confused by society's expectations of what we're meant to be doing around celebrations that we really lose touch with what really feels like a treat to us. And and that might be confronting for yourself and for the people who love you, and also know that that's okay and it's part of the process. And baby steps, you know, maybe you recognize it, but you don't feel like you can do it this year, and maybe next year you'll be like, dang, I know I want to just be in by myself and you know, you take the kids, and I just want a night on my own in the bath, like whatever your thing is, right? Like it comes with time. Um, but yeah, I love what you said about experimentation. Like, let's and just start, start, start it in any way that feels comfortable.

SPEAKER_00 28:21

Yeah, I love that. Uh, well, folks, this has been this week's episode of the Alcohol Myth Podcast, talking about celebrating yourself and treating yourself and how to do it without alcohol. Um, get out there, experiment, be creative, get curious, start to listen to yourself and to what you need. And as you do, know that we'll be thinking about you. Until next time, I've been Jonathan.

SPEAKER_02 28:44

And I'm Ellen. Great to be with you.

SPEAKER_00 28:46

Have a beautiful day. Thanks for listening to the Alcohol Myth Podcast.

SPEAKER_01 28:53

If this episode sparked something for you, we'd love to hear about it.

SPEAKER_00 28:56

Send your questions, stories, or ideas for future episodes to thealcoholmyth at gmail.com.

SPEAKER_01 29:03

We read every message. We really do.

SPEAKER_00 29:05

Take good care of yourself. We'll see you next time.