Will I Lose Friends If I Quit Drinking?

What happens to your relationships when you stop drinking, and why the fear is usually wrong.

If you have put off changing your drinking because of what it might do to the people around you, that fear is doing more work than it has earned. The worry is rarely the drink itself. It is that saying no to the glass will land as saying no to the relationship, the tradition, the memory you built around it.

Jonathan Ball's antidote is a phrase worth sitting with: become sacredly selfish. It means becoming the source of your own needs, taking responsibility for your own experience, and putting down the job of managing everyone else's mood. Most of us picked up mood-managing early, in a house where reading the room worked, and Ellen Biggs makes the case that it outlived its usefulness decades ago. The shape-shifting is what eats your self-worth, and the drinking sits on top of it as fake self-care.

Ellen Biggs, two and a half years alcohol-free, expected to lose the friends she drank with. What she got was one awkward exchange at a birthday party and a run of people telling her they were relieved, because they had been drinking more than they wanted around her. Jonathan Ball expected his choice to cost his marriage its celebrations. It bought the marriage better conversations.

You cannot argue anyone into freedom. You can only be visibly free in front of them. Jonathan Ball spent the first year of an earlier alcohol-free stretch evangelizing, and it moved nobody. Tending your own house and letting people notice does the work preaching never did, and it happens to be the version of you they wanted all along.

Try it as a thought experiment before it has to be a decision. What would secretly selfish look like in your week? How would you show up differently? Which resentments would fall away? Write the answers down. And if you are the one who never asks, ask someone for help this week, because being needed is a good gift to hand someone who loves you.

Work with Jonathan: https://livecreativeaf.com/  |  Work with Ellen: https://ellenbiggscoaching.com/

CHAPTERS
00:00 How your drinking touches everyone
03:16 The alcohol-free beer at the party
06:32 Whose experience are you managing?
09:48 Your partner benefits too
13:04 To be in unity, first be a unit
16:20 When self-care was a drink
19:36 Push, pull, and asking for help
22:52 Alcohol as the first domino
26:08 High achievers and heavy drinking
29:24 Be the billboard, not the megaphone
32:40 What if it's better than you fear?

FROM THIS EPISODE
"Tend to your own house and let yourself be the billboard."

QUESTIONS THIS EPISODE ANSWERS

Q: Will I lose my friends if I stop drinking?
A: Most people do not lose their friends when they stop drinking, though some relationships shift. Expect a few awkward first encounters, quiet relief from people who were matching your pace, and closer conversations with the ones who matter. Friendships built only on drinking fade rather than break.

Q: How do I tell people I am not drinking?
A: Telling people you are not drinking works best as a short, calm statement with no case attached. You do not owe anyone a reason, and extra explanation invites debate. Say what you are doing, order something you like, and let the evening carry on.

Q: What does it mean to be secretly selfish?
A: Being secretly selfish means becoming the source of your own needs rather than outsourcing your wellbeing to other people's approval. You own your experience, say what you need directly, and stop managing everyone else's mood. It only sounds selfish if you were taught that having needs is rude.

Q: Why do high achievers drink heavily?
A: High achievers often drink heavily because achieving and self-soothing form a loop. You take everything on, anticipate what everyone needs, deliver it, then use alcohol to come down from the effort. Remove the alcohol and the drive stays while the resentment under it fades.

You do not need to wait for rock bottom.
You do not need more willpower.
You just need a new way to understand what you are feeling and why you are reaching for the next drink.

If this episode resonates, please like, share, subscribe, and leave a comment with what stood out to you. We would love to hear what you want more of.

Send your questions, stories, or ideas for future episodes to thealcoholmyth@gmail.com. We read every message. We really do.

CONNECT WITH US
Email: thealcoholmyth@gmail.com
Jonathan Ball, CreativeAF Coaching: https://livecreativeaf.com/
Ellen Biggs Coaching: https://ellenbiggscoaching.com/

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Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:00

The things that I accomplish now are driven now by this kind of light, fun, creative energy, this like sense of wonder and exploration and like joy. Whereas before, all the achieving I was doing was kind of tainted with that simmering people pleaser energy or that simmering kind of resentment that I have to push so hard to be somebody that I'm not, to XYZ. Uh, and and figuring out alcohol is definitely the first step in that whole kind of change in that dynamic. Why does the world act like alcohol is the answer, even while it is creating problems of its own?

SPEAKER_00 0:36

On the Alcohol Myth podcast, we pull back the curtain so you can see what's really going on with alcohol and what life could be like without it.

SPEAKER_02 0:43

We are coaches trained in this naked mind and effective liminal psychology who fell for the alcohol myth for decades. Now we help people take back control of their lives by changing their relationship with alcohol from the inside out.

SPEAKER_00 0:55

You don't need to wait for a rock bottom. You don't need more willpower. You just need a new way to understand what you are feeling and why you are reaching for that next drink.

SPEAKER_02 1:04

So let's dig in. And today's topic is around how we can how our relationship with drinking influences for good or ill the people around us. I think, especially for those that listen to this podcast, you are either questioning your relationship with alcohol, um, helping yourself land the plane, as it were, with your relationship with alcohol, getting some more information. Uh, and that can come with uh some changes in behavior. You might start showing up in areas of your life in a different way. For me, when I started to back away from alcohol and I started trying to do things differently, the people in my life definitely noticed because I was always the one going, rah, rah, rah, let's have another round, let's do another shot, let's, you know, can we sneak alcohol into this event? Was a phrase that uh I definitely said on well more than one occasion. And when you start to back away from alcohol, you start to question things, the ripple effect that it can have on the people around you can be profound. Um, and so this episode is kind of dedicated to examining how we can show up in our own lives and for the people around us in a positive way, um, while making sure to maintain our own sense of sovereignty and control over our relationship with alcohol. So, Ellen, that was kind of a word salad opening. What comes up for you when you think about influence and alcohol?

SPEAKER_01 3:06

I know this was a big thing that kind of kept me um kept me stuck for a long time because I wasn't sure how to navigate changing my relationship with alcohol with people around me that I felt quite close to that were that drank the same way I did. And so I experienced it as like being worried about pulling away. And and I definitely um, you know, it was a mixed bag. Like I had experiences where I remember going to um a friend's 50th birthday party, and um I I brought my alcohol-free beer. This was kind of early on, and um the friend's husband noticed I was drinking alcohol-free beer, and he's like, Oh, you're what what's going on? And I was like, Oh, I'm just taking, I don't know, I think I it was a sober October or something. And he's like, Oh, okay, well, we'll celebrate properly at the end of the month when you're drinking again. You know, like as if it was like that felt awkward and uncomfortable. And then in other situations, I would like not, you know, be not drinking, and I would notice that people would say to me things like, Oh, gosh, that's kind of a relief. Cause I feel like um, I've had people say to me, I feel like every time I, every time we hang out, I always end up drinking more than I wanted to, or something like that, which is, you know, because I was always the one being like, let's get another, you know? And so there was like this, um as I was changing the behavior, there were different reactions. And then I think maybe we can also talk too about like now being two and a half years alcohol free. You're over, you know, you're a year plus alcohol free, like, and in your other experience being alcohol free before this time, too, like what happens just kind of naturally with relationships, it has been interesting too.

SPEAKER_02 5:00

Yeah, for sure. The the idea of what my friends and family were going to think when I stopped drinking or when I was even when I was drinking less, I really um that was kind of scary, right? Like I definitely thought that if I stop drinking, then my relationships are gonna change because many of my relationships were built on being the like full throttle, let's get drunk, let's you know, go, go, go kind of thing. Um, and I think it also showed up too in like my the uh most important relationships. Like, think about the, you know, if you if you and your partner have had many um celebratory or important experiences around drinking, and then all of a sudden you don't drink, there was definitely a fear that that is saying no to the relationship or the experience or the memory, as opposed to just saying no to the substance. And it's another one of those little ways that alcohol just like gets all tangled up and enmeshed with everything else that we're doing in our lives. Like Beth and I got married at a vineyard, right? And you know, we had lots of celebratory experiences that involved alcohol, and she's never, ever been the big heavy drinker like I was. Like she just it, I don't know, she built different, right? Like she's just like, I'm good, and I'm like, Whoo, let's go. Um, but even still, I didn't want that to, I didn't want my decision to super negatively impact her, right? Like, if I decided to not drink, I wanted her to be able to go get mimosas at brunch or go to a vineyard if she wanted to, and for me to be able to go and not be a drag and not be, you know, like kicking my feet feeling left out, right? I was really worried about all of that. And I think that kept me stuck for that, was at least part of what kept me stuck. But I was so happy and you know, to joyfully report on this side of things that that's not the case, right? Like, that's not the case at all. Um yeah, and how do we get to be at the point where it's not the case, right? Like it for me, it was open, honest communication, imagine. And it was really about owning my experience of the whole thing. I needed to learn to stop taking responsibility for how she was experiencing things. I had to take responsibility for how I was experiencing things. And that was a pattern that kind of splashed out into other areas too, like not just with drinking, but across all kinds of areas. Um, and that has been one of the one of the best and most impactful parts of this whole learning experience of doing life alcohol-free.

SPEAKER_01 8:00

Yeah, I think uh when you were talking about the changes that happen in like a primary relationship like that, I relate to that so much. I mean, I um I was the big drinker. As I removed alcohol, I feared what it would do to my relationship. And it was a lot of unfounded fear and this pattern of over-responsibility for someone else's experience. You know, I mean, I continue to do this work, right? This is what the beauty of, you know, going alcohol free. And, you know, I continue to get coaching. I don't need coaching around alcohol anymore, but I the things that my patterns that I have that I used to, you know, drink to manage the discomfort around, the patterns, a lot of them are still there. And one of those patterns for me is exactly that. It's like I try to figure out what my partner wants, needs, thinks, and then I feel overresponsible for um ensuring that we're good, right? And and when I felt like I couldn't do that, which by the way, it's not my responsibility, and it's flipping impossible to do to control emotional emotions. Yeah. So it's, but it's very uncomfortable when you feel out of control because you have a belief that you can control that, you know, and um this is kind of a tangent, I guess, but I think it's just goes to the the the benefit to our my relationship with my husband is not just that I'm a better person because I show up like authentically myself, not drinking, not with the mental chatter. I'm calmer, I'm more arrested, I'm in a better mood, all of that. But it's also that I am managing some of these patterns in a way that's a lot more skillful. And and, you know, he is the obvious beneficiary of that. And just by being in my same orbit, he is also kind of leveling up in different areas and um leveling up. I don't know if that's exactly the right way to say it, but he he's more, you know, we're able to talk about things. Our communication, to your point, our communication is so much more open and honest and um mature, you know, than it used to be.

SPEAKER_02 10:33

Yeah. Well, I think it for me, this whole idea of how what we're doing and figuring out splashes over, impacts the other people around us. Um, to me, it relates back to the idea of being becoming sacly selfish. We are given strong messaging from an early, early age that to be selfish, as in looking out for yourself, is an always a bad thing. It's always a negative thing. It's it's only for the villains that are, you know, in the in our are in our media and in our stories that um that they are looking out for themselves. And so what it does is it creates a huge culture of people pleasers. How many times have we sacrificed ourselves on the altar of somebody else's expectations that they didn't even state? And I used to do this all the time, and it was a huge reason that I was drinking so much, because I was trying to twist myself into pretzels to living in terror of somebody else's disapproval that was all concocted in my own head. What kind of life is that? It's it's so it's so small and so frustrating. Um, because to your point earlier, Ellen, it's impossible. And it takes a level, I think in our society, it takes a level of bravery and clarity and honesty to be able to look within and say, I take responsibility for me. And when I make sure that my house is in order, when I make sure that I'm well and I am expressing my needs, and I am, and I become importantly, the source of my own needs. I'm not saying that's selfish as like I'm looking to everybody else to cater to me. I'm saying I show up for me. That becomes a huge unlock in your relationships because like your your partner, your primary relationships, your the people like they didn't sign up to be in this dynamic with somebody who you know is falling all over themselves and being less than themselves. Like they they want you for you. And I don't know, that was just like it took it took doing this work, it took going alcohol free, it took the clarity to get to know myself and get to not only and then like knowing myself came first, and then actually liking myself came second to think like, oh, I am worthy, I can show up and be a whole human being. And guess what? Marriages work a lot better. I'm thinking about marriage a lot. Marriages work a lot better when it's between two fully formed adults who are mature and taking care of and taking responsibility for themselves. I'm gonna throw it back. I think this is Mary Wallstone craft, like woman in the 19th century, some classic, um, some classic feminism literature, but I just it's stuck with me. In order to be in unity, you have to first be a unit. Wish I had internalized that 20 years earlier.

SPEAKER_01 14:14

And by that means you have to be fully formed yourself before you can be full together with someone else. Yeah, that that that hits home a lot for me too. I I and you know, uh because I'm working with a couple clients around this right now, and and I'm doing my own work on this right now because it's like this people-pleasing thing that we do that is so prevalent, we got that skill because it is a skill. It's it's it's a um unworkable skill, but it's like most of us in whatever childhood home we grew up in, we were trying to navigate a family where we wanted, we needed to get our needs met, right? We needed somebody to feed us, love us, clothe us, shelter us, right? And so a lot of us, if there's any instability in that home, and this is not to blame parents or siblings, but it's like when there is instability in a home, then children are very adept at figuring out, okay, how do I get my needs met? Who do I need to be? It's is it better if I'm quiet? Is it better if I, you know, if I notice my mom is in a mood, if I maybe offer to make dinner for her? Is it better, you know, our little brains are like scrambling to figure out like, how can I get my needs met? And what that does is it creates this hypervigilance around everybody else's mood to figure out, okay, how can I, you know, our little brains think we can manage everybody, right? Like, how can I make mom happy? How can I make dad happy? And it's so like it's a survival instinct. And there's nothing wrong with that instinct. It's actually beautiful, and it probably really helped us when we were children. But the thing is, it if we don't like unlearn it, if we don't like update the software, the programming that and recognize that, you know, we don't, that's not required anymore at this stage in our life. And in fact, what it's doing is it's eating away at our own self-worth because we're, you know, shape-shifting, we're chameleoning, we're trying to figure out who do I need to be to make other people happy. It's like a total self-abandonment, right? We don't even, we don't, our our needs don't even get brought to the table. And um, you know, that whole I I love the the the unit unity thing. I mean, there's so many things that we flippantly say, right? You can't pour from an empty cup, put your own oxygen max on first. But I think people don't really internalize them. It's like, oh, yeah, yeah. Well, what I did to put my oxygen mass on first was have a couple drinks, you know, but that that doesn't actually really do anything. It puts a slaps a band-aid over it and it you don't actually fill your own cup with that beverage.

SPEAKER_02 17:09

Yeah, well, like thinking about alcohol as self-care, right? And I need to, I need some me time. I need to engage in self-care because I am showing up in all these different ways for other people. And for the longest time, my preferred way of air quote self-care was to drink about it, right? And yeah, that is uh that's not a very it's not a very adaptive uh way to take care of yourself because I I realize a lot of my drinking was kind of self-obliteration, right? Like I was drinking to get away from this person I didn't recognize, know, or like. And it I don't know, it just kept me stuck and small for so long. Um, and it was really a big sea change when I started figuring that out that it was doing that.

SPEAKER_01 18:06

Yeah, so I'm curious when you kind of started to have this shift and you said you first like get to know yourself and then get to like yourself, and like what do you notice now that is changed? Like, what are some things either that your behaviors or some dynamic in the relationship that just feels different to you now?

SPEAKER_02 18:26

I think one of the big things that can't that comes up for me is actually paying attention to or listening to what my um needs are. So thinking like, do I need to do I need to rest even? Like, do I need to ask for help? Asking for help is super hard for me. It's not how I have grown up, it's not what I I don't have the ask for help. I didn't have the ask for help skill, right? It was not something that came easy to me because I was the helper. Um, and and that way, a lot of us like over helpers and our people pleasers and stuff like that. There's more than a little bit of needing to control that's baked into that, right? Because if I'm the one that's doing the helping, I get to decide what that help looks like and you know when it comes and it all yada yada yada. So learning to pay attention to my needs, learning to ask for help, those have been huge. One of the things that I think has has struck me in my my uh most important relationships, including my marriage, is this idea of um push and pull. So if I imagine um taking somebody's hand and pulling on it, their natural reaction is going to be to pull back, right? And so uh paying attention to how I'm showing up, um what is what is how I'm showing up in this moment inviting from the other person? Is like, I don't know, that's like next level relationship kung fu right there, where if I show up in the spirit of um genuine curiosity or welcoming or like the the manipulation element of things is just I I feel like evaporated because I'm not trying to um be weird about getting my needs met. I can just ask for my needs to be met. And um that that's huge too. So I don't know if that I don't know if that makes sense.

SPEAKER_01 20:45

No, it's just totally makes sense. I mean, and I relate to all of that. I feel like um I think that when we're stuck in a cycle of drinking, it's really hard to ask to get needs met because there's so much shame. Like I experienced a lot of shame around I should be able to handle this. And if I'm having trouble handling it, it's my own damn fault because I drank too much last night or, you know, whatever. And so there was a real um inability for me to ask for help or state my needs because I had this internalized belief that was like, if I only I were on top of this drinking thing, I would be, you know, I wouldn't need help. And so therefore, let me just push through and you know, not like I like it was like I didn't deserve, I felt like I didn't deserve help. I didn't deserve to have my needs met. And I think that that piece that happens when we stop drinking and we start to build self trust and we start to like ourselves again and believe in ourselves and think that we are actually worthy of help, you know? I think that it's such an integral piece of it because when we're just drinking over these negative feelings, it's it's a subliminal thing. I'm not saying it's intentional, it wasn't intentional for me, but it's almost like saying I'm not worth the time and effort to, you know, actually get my needs met. So I'm just gonna have a drink instead. And it's it's a very unconscious, subconscious thing that's happening. But I I think that there's a real layer to that. Like I'm I'm a piece of crap because I drink all the time. So I don't actually deserve to get my needs met or ask for help. And it just keeps us in this cycle.

SPEAKER_02 22:39

Yeah, yeah. And when you start to break out of that cycle, the people around you start to notice and um I hope that you have the experience that I had where I received so much support that I wasn't counting on and that I didn't know I needed or I wasn't looking for either. Um, it's it's been incredible too, right? I really resonated with what you were saying about not feeling worthy of having needs in the first place because I was so adept at trying unsuccessfully to get my needs met by drinking. And then, you know, I wasn't allowing myself to be tired or to ask for help or do anything because, you know, I had such a low opinion of myself. And when I it was like they kind of it was a chicken and the egg situation, right? When I started to figure out the whole alcohol thing, I also started to have higher regard for myself because I became somebody who was able to figure out the whole alcohol thing. And I think that's such a such a beautiful part about working in this space, like in talking about alcohol freedom and stuff like that, is it really is the it's an invitation for so many people to do so much of the deep inner work that needs done and that ultimately leads to freedom from anything that doesn't serve you, right? Like it starts with alcohol for so many of us, and then it turns into this great, big, beautiful life that you wouldn't have even imagined was possible. And it started because of the skills that you acquired as you were figuring out your relationship with alcohol.

SPEAKER_01 24:30

It's so true. I feel like like the the the part, the alcohol piece, like I mean, it's hard. Like, don't get me wrong. It was it's challenging and it's um it's a big deal, but it it it is like really that first domino of once that is sort of sorted, that's when like we get to really up level every area of our life. Like it's not just that you're gonna, you know, not have so many hangovers. Like you, it really is like then you you kind of look around with fresh eyes, and it's like, oh, I can apply these same things I use with alcohol and start to, you know, up level my relationship with food, with exercise. I can start to, I have clarity of mind to figure out where these patterns came from. Why am I such a people pleaser? Where did that come from? How can I work on that? Because when we're when we're stuck in the cycle of alcohol, we don't have the energy or the where the clarity of mind, right? So it's just we're kind of stuck in the same loop of the same old problems. And when we get off that hamster wheel, it's like we get to then to start to tackle some of the underlying things that kind of, you know, kept us in that drinking loop to begin with. And I don't know, when you were talking about asking for help, I just had this realization that I mean, I think one of the greatest gifts we can give the people we love, our partners, our our children, our siblings, our good friends, is the gift of asking for help. Like, don't you love it when a friend says, like, Jonathan, I really could, you know, uh you're great at this. I really would love it if you could help. I mean, you know, if it's someone you really care about, you're it's like, yeah, I want to help. I mean, I I want to, it makes me feel connected to you. It makes me feel a part of whatever you're doing. It makes me feel like you're a real human being and not this like closed-off shell of a person that's just like, no, I can do it all. I do it all. And I think it's really important to note that like so many of the really heavy drinkers are really high achieving people because we are getting stuff done, you know, we do take it all on ourselves, we do figure out what everybody needs, we get it done, and then we we use alcohol to self-soothe because of that's really hard work, what we're doing. But remove the alcohol bit and it starts to become like that really high achieving leveled up and also done with more joy. And it's like a whole different experience versus like getting shit done, but feeling resentful and you know, empty and exhausted versus like, wow, I like feel really, you know, motivated to work on XYZ project and and I want to invite someone in to help me with it. And it's just a whole different energy.

SPEAKER_02 27:17

To your point about high achievers and how many heavy, heavy drinkers are high achievers. It's something that I've seen borne out in my practice a hundred percent because it's this mindset of like push, push, push, go, go, go. And then I'm also going to engage in my preferred self-care ritual, which was drinking, and also that 100% kind of uh kind of mentality, right? Like it was very much a if one drink is good, five drinks is better kind of idea. And then the it's also fun because these same people who are super high achievers and super big people pleasers, once they figure out the alcohol thing, they're able to do so much more. And like it, the without alcohol slowing you down, making you feel tired and cranky, distracting you, like what opens up in your life is insane. And then simultaneously, they're able to bring this new energy to it, where like I'll just speak for myself. The things that I accomplish now are driven now by this kind of light, fun, creative energy, this like sense of wonder and exploration and like joy. Whereas before, all the achieving I was doing was kind of tainted with that simmering people pleaser energy or that simmering kind of resentment that I have to push so hard to be somebody that I'm not to XYZ. Uh, and and figuring out alcohol is definitely the first step in that whole kind of change in that dynamic.

SPEAKER_01 28:58

Yeah, it's like one of the really positive side effects of like doing the work with alcohol is all the things that come next. And um, you know, I feel like we didn't even necessarily get to talk about this. Maybe we do another episode on it, but like what happens when you are showing up with that kind of energy and like people notice. And I mean, I just like without even, you know, just just sharing my own story, but not asking anybody or telling anybody that they need to change their relationship with alcohol, like the closest people in my life have naturally been super curious about what I'm doing and want to know more and are experimenting with their own drinking. And it's it's just super cool to see because it's not like it's I did anything magical. I removed a substance that was really weighing me down, you know, really weighing me down emotionally, weighing me down physically, weighing down my potential, and you remove it, and suddenly, you know, it you you just do show up differently, and and it does influence the people around you in the sense that they're like, what's going on with her? And I'm sure you get that for you as well. I mean, just it's a different, different way of showing up.

SPEAKER_02 30:12

Well, the idea of people around you noticing what you're what you've got going on and getting curious about it is the 100% the best advertisement that you could possibly have for getting right with your relationship with alcohol, right? I I in my in my first foray into sobriety, I built up two and a half years. And for the first year of that, I was like a evangelist for alcohol free because I didn't know all the stuff that alcohol does to your body, right? Like I was just like, how did we not learn this in school? And so I wasn't constantly uh kind of obnoxiously telling other people about you know what they should or shouldn't do, and you know, just kind of be in a pain about it. This um the spirit with which I engage with other people being more focused on myself and my own work and making sure that my house is in order is so much more effective to influence the people around you. Like you really need to tend to your own house and let yourself be the billboard rather than thinking that you need to evangelize to to people to influence them. I I was definitely guilty of kind of holding myself the the first time around. I was guilty of thinking, like, oh, I'm better than people who still drink, even though that was me six months ago, right? Like, oh, I've got this figured out. And I just kind of like I held myself in that way, um, which was immaturity. And it was like a lack of doing the the interior work that I needed to do, uh, as evidenced by you know falling back in with alcohol and then needing to claw myself back out and resolving to never do that again, and then making those important changes to my interior landscape. So, Ellen, final thoughts, practical tools, uh, words of advice around this idea of influence.

SPEAKER_01 32:11

I I think I would just like to say like, you don't know what you don't know. You know, I think that we so often fear what the repercussions will be when we change our relationship with alcohol. What our brain wants to do is it wants to keep us safe and it wants to tell us that when we take alcohol away, it's going to it's going to cause rupture in relationships, it's going to make things more difficult, it's going to mean we're going to lose all of our friends, it's going to mean all of these things. And what we can't know what's going to happen, but I I just want to invite the the curiosity and the open invitation to the fact that what if it's actually so much better than you could ever imagine? Because because we just don't know. It's, it's, it's, and, and, you know, I think if we look at evidence, if you talk to people that have been alcohol free for any period of time, I think most people will tell you that the level of relationships that they have has been up-leveled, not the opposite. You know, we so much fear that it's gonna just ruin everything. And it it it couldn't be further from the truth.

unknown 33:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 33:31

What about you?

SPEAKER_02 33:32

I think if I had to add to that, I would say to uh sit with the idea of what if I actually am worth having my needs met? What would it look like for me to be sacredly selfish? And just treat it like a thought experiment. You don't have to totally internalize it right now. Just like get curious about what would that even look like? What would that mean? How would I show up differently? What resentments would fall away from my life? And jot down some of the things that might come as a result of that. And you might be surprised at what comes up. Um, just short little journaling practice to get to start to get to know yourself and to listen to yourself.

SPEAKER_01 34:19

Yeah, that's beautiful. And I and I it made me think like as a mother, you know, I I always think, used to think that putting my kids' needs first was what I should do as a mother. And it's only recently, you know, in the last couple of years, that I'm coming to understand that modeling, taking care of my own needs is actually far more beneficial for two daughters that I have that are at the age where they're, you know, going into professional lives and relationships. And I want them to see that it's it's important to take care of your own needs first. And, you know, mean modeling, dropping everything at for everyone around me is not helping that, right? So modeling taking care of my own needs is way better, I think, as a just practice in general.

SPEAKER_02 35:10

And it's a practice, right? Like it's that we don't uh we don't just get to step out of the entire rest of our lives that has been pushing us in a certain direction, right? Like we we get to try anew every single day.

SPEAKER_01 35:24

Yeah, absolutely. It's a practice.

SPEAKER_02 35:27

Yeah. All right, folks. Uh, thank you for listening to the alcohol myth podcast. I've been Jonathan.

SPEAKER_01 35:33

And I'm Ellen. Thanks so much for listening.

SPEAKER_02 35:36

Have a beautiful day.

SPEAKER_01 35:37

Bye-bye.

SPEAKER_02 35:39

Thanks for listening to the Alcohol Myth Podcast.

SPEAKER_00 35:42

If this episode starts something for you, we'd love to hear about it.

SPEAKER_02 35:45

Send your questions, stories, or ideas for future episodes to thealcoholmyth at gmail.com.

SPEAKER_00 35:52

We read every message. We really do.

SPEAKER_02 35:54

Take good care of yourself. We'll see you next time.