The Art of Friendship: How to Build Aligned, Honest & Lasting Connections

Friendships play a powerful role in our lives, yet building meaningful, aligned connections in adulthood can be more complex than it seems. This conversation explores how communication, emotional awareness, and clear expectations influence the quality of our relationships, as well as how unmet expectations and misalignment can quietly impact friendships over time.

You'll also learn how to understand your personal friendship style—whether you tend to be more high maintenance or low maintenance—and why neither approach is right or wrong. If you've ever felt unsure about where you stand with friends, struggled with boundaries, or noticed that some relationships feel draining while others feel effortless, this discussion offers insight to help you cultivate greater clarity, self-awareness, and intention in your friendships.

Thanks so much for listening! If this episode resonated with you, make sure to subscribe and leave a review. New episodes drop every Tuesday morning, and you can follow me on Instagram @Stephanie_Monge to stay connected and come along for the journey.

Transcript

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Hello, hello, welcome back to Barefaced and Becoming. Today we are talking about a topic that is very near and dear to my heart and very important to everybody's life, and that is friendships. I've had the same best friends since oh my god, I think it's been 11 years now. Wouldn't trade it for the world. So I kind of just want to go off in the tangent in this episode about the value of friendships. I think it's a really important topic in just the quality of life that you can have, and they add such a beautiful depth to my life. And so I would like to share my aspects and views on friendship, how I've been able to sustain them this long, what it means to be a good friend, and the importance of the friendships in my life. So, as I mentioned, I have had the same best friends for over a decade. I am 26 years old, so it is really such a blessing that I do not take for granted. I think my view of friendship has obviously really evolved since that time. I used to view friendship as well, one, I used to really value quantity over quality before I realized how rare quality friends are. I think that is just because I grew up with a brother that had so many friends. Like at some points, there would be 15 people over our house. Our living room was absolutely full, and I would just have like one or two friends over. So it was just me comparing myself to my sibling. And obviously, I feel like when you're younger, you just want like a big group of friends, I guess. But yeah, so I met my girlfriend's eighth grade going to ninth grade, so going to high school, and it has definitely been a journey. It hasn't been an easy one, and I think that that is something that needs to be said. Friendships, just like any relationship, are very complex. And I think that it is one of the most rewarding relationships in life. Personally, for me, my immediate family doesn't live in proximity to me. So my friends are my family, and especially since we grew up together, you know, my friends know my family, I know their family, so it really gives it that aspect that much more. But just being able to feel that sense of home, even when my home is away from me, my family, is really such a blessing. And I also want to point out that I don't even think that it matters how long you've known a person, although it does, of course, add some type of depth to it and a different type of closeness, of course, just because you know you've seen each other grow, but it also does add that complex part that I was talking about because I think that's something that is not talked about enough with friendships is that it's really difficult to grow together if people are not on the same energy. Things can go south fast, and I think things don't even necessarily have to hit like a toxic or bad part of the friendship to just be aware that the friendship isn't serving you anymore, that you guys aren't in alignment. The only thing I'll say with that is I don't know, this is just the type of person I am. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I will always say things as they are, and that includes just giving it my all. So, you know, if I can feel that something's not in alignment, I think that's one of the most uncomfortable feelings is like loving someone and having someone serve such a great purpose in your life and then realizing, okay, like we're not really aligned anymore. And like, how do you have that conversation, right? But I think for me, even as distance becomes more obvious and more time passes, I am just the type of person that will always reach out and like send my love and let them know that you know I have nothing but love for this person and things like that. And I've done that even when things did get sour, and maybe not like some friendships that I've experienced that I thought, you know, these girls were always gonna be in my life, and it doesn't end up that way. You know, I never want any bad blood, I guess. And maybe that can be considered a flaw in myself, but I just have so much love looking back on the purpose certain people served in my life and the connection and memories that we shared. I don't know, I just can't. I it's hard for me to comprehend that not everyone is like that. I don't know, I just I'm a big fan of closure. I think it's really important when friendships aren't serving anymore to have that closure and to still honor the friendship, honor how it served. I think that friendship is so important and to honor it even when it's not serving like my life anymore, I think is really important. And yeah, I'm just the type of person that will always wish everyone well. I think that it's also really important to note that sometimes we outgrow people and it doesn't necessarily have to be with resentment. Sometimes, like I said, the alignment is just not there anymore. And yeah, I think it's okay to outgrow people without having resentment. Not every friendship ends because someone did something wrong or like hate someone or have bad blood and just know that the friendship isn't serving you anymore and that it has served its purpose and not feeling guilty about that. I think that's a huge part of just growing and growing pains of growing up is you know, sometimes we do outgrow friendships, and I don't think it's necessary to have guilt in that. I think it's so normal, and I think that is really important to be said because I I just don't hear people talking about that, and it's just such a raw and important part of life. I think the way that I've been able to sustain the friendships in my life that I am so blessed to have is by being able to have those uncomfortable conversations. I think the number one thing in friendship that is the most important is to be aligned, but that's not always gonna happen, right? Because sometimes I'm gonna be going through a completely different phase than my friend is. I'm gonna maybe have a different mindset than they have, different values than they have at certain points of my life, right? So even though it's the most important to be aligned, it's also very real that that's not always 100% gonna be the case. And so I think that when I say the most important part is to be aligned, that alignment is not just values and lifestyle, it's understanding, understanding that the friendship is gonna evolve and change, have its ups and have its downs and being okay with confrontation. Like I have told my best friends, the girls that are closest to me, we have had the most uncomfortable conversations that you can honestly imagine. To where sometimes it would come a point where I was like, I have to speak my truth and I respect that they do too. And I have to speak my truth, even if that means that they might take it the wrong way and everything might go to shit, really, because I always want them to speak their truths and I respect that, and they respect it from me. So I mean, at the end of the day, the uncomfortable conversations are honestly and genuinely the most important, but also being able to have those conversations through a lens of love and just wanting to deepen the friendship, it is real growing pains. It really is uncomfortable. And you know, me and they are not perfect people. We have not done like we've hurt each other. We have hurt each other, and we've learned to be able to talk about that as many conversations as it needed. I think that I've noticed lately there's been kind of people that almost I don't know how to say this humbly, but like people in our lives that have really looked up, I guess, to our friendship because I know 1000% that it's so special. My friends love my family, my family loves my friends. We all feel like each other's family, we all love to blend our families together. Like it really, I know it's so special. Like I am platonically in love with my friends, and I I'm very grateful for that, especially in Miami. I feel like maybe it could be a little bit harder for some people to be able to, you know, be on the same vibe. Me and all my friends are all still living here. None of us ever moved away. We are all just kind of working on our careers right now, trying to do our best in that. And like I said, even though it doesn't matter the lifestyle, like one of us could have a baby and we'd all still be besties and it would honestly enrich our relationships even more. But since that isn't the case and we are on the same vibe, I'm sure I like I'm not gonna be naive. I'm sure that it has a huge aspect and help to how deep we've been able to make our friendship at this point in time. But yeah, we've really had to like it's a work in progress. You know, nothing in life is easy, nothing in life that's worth it is easy, you know, especially for such a long friendship. We started being friends when we were teenagers. So there's like me and Lexi had to have a conversation, maybe like in the last year, about something that we went through when we were teenagers. And she's like, you know, when you did that, it really bothered me. And I was just like, damn, like I had no idea you felt like that. I'm so sorry. And it's like a weird thing because I'm not who I was when we first met, and when I maybe I did things that hurt her, and vice versa, but I still have to take accountability for it. And it really is such a beautiful thing to watch people grow. But like I said, like it evolving together beside each other with other friendships, and maybe let's say certain friendships that serve them don't serve me, or a job, or maybe it could be a relationship that we want to be supportive, but also we want them to be their happiest, and that comes with its own complications. And yeah, I think like I just get so fulfilled now at this point because of the hard conversations, because I really know that these girls are my ride or dies, and I really think after all this time, there's nothing that can distance us, which is so weird though, because I've felt like this before and it has happened, but also it's just so different like teenage relationships versus adult relationships and like adult problems and adult conflicts and resolutions. It's just a different level. But I just know that they love me so deeply and that they want the best for me. They know that I feel the same way. So there's nothing that I can say that can be almost taken to offense, obviously, because it's all from love. But at the same time, if I say something wrong, they're gonna call me out and I'm gonna fix it, you know? So just being on the same level and understanding of how problems are solved and how we communicate and what is being gained from the friendship, like being really real about who you are as a friend, I think is so important. What type of friend are you? You know, am I speaking with this person's best interest at heart or is it from a selfish place? Am I speaking to them respectfully? Am I feeling this way out of jealousy? And is that feeling valid? Like we've told, like, it's an awkward place. I think that's another thing to mention is about the jealousy part. Jealousy is a human experience and it's gonna happen, especially if you're in a group of friends. And I think just being okay with like sometimes being in an uncomfortable place because of how you feel, and still being able to say that you feel that way. And maybe it's valid, maybe it's not, but your feelings are the way they are, and you can't change how you feel. So even if you're jealous and you don't really have a right to be jealous, like that's just how you feel. And it's okay to be vulnerable and uncomfortable and just say it how it is. You have no idea the strength in communication and the strength in face-to-face communication or getting on the phone, I think, has saved our relationship too, or just waiting to have a conversation until it can be had in person, even though sometimes that can be really uncomfortable to know someone is mad at you and have to dish deal with that. That is such a human experience and just so raw and real and it happens. And also, I think it's really important again, going back to knowing how you are as a friend. Like, are you capable right now of having this conversation correctly? Like, how can you express yourself properly if you don't even know how you feel? And then it can come out the wrong way and it can be expressed in a way that that's not, it doesn't reflect how you actually feel. So I think there are certain, like going back to being friends for so long, there's been, you know, times where I think the friendship wasn't ready to have certain conversations. And I think that that was okay and coming to a certain understanding about that and then being able to grow from it later when the conversation is had and being able to be really real. I think as adults now we're very able and better equipped to process our feelings more. I think that something that's really important with having fulfilling relationships and meaningful relationships is again when I say being in alignment, I think something that I've experienced and come to notice is that with the most meaningful friendships in my life, we just want to grow more. And I think that that is like the most aligned place we can be because no matter the boyfriend or the ex or the job or anything, like we're all just wanting to grow and learn how to treat each other better and learn how to communicate better and take care of ourselves better and support each other in that. So I think reflecting on all of this, that's probably the glue to what I think it means to be in alignment and to have fulfilling relationships. I also want to touch back on the jealousy part a little bit too, because it really is something that we all have experienced. I think that it's very normal to feel that, being able to say it. And what we always come to is when we are talking about, you know, any problems or issues or jealousy or negative feelings that can come from just trying to sustain these friendships is like, wow, how blessed are we to just have like all of the issues that we have are all coming up because we just love each other so much and we just don't want to lose each other. And like, oh, I'm jealous that Lexi and Issa are hanging out more. Like, okay, well, where is that feeling stemming from? It's because I love them so much and I want to be with them and I want to make memories with them. Like, that is so beautiful. Our problems are all because of love. Just staying in a state of gratitude with the friendship, even when those uncomfortable feelings come up, I think is the way that we've been able to sustain. Yeah. Being in alignment and coming from a place of love, viewing the friendship from a place of love is, I think, the top two most important parts. I also want to speak a little bit about other types of friendships. I'm coming from a perspective of very deep friendships in this aspect, but I also think it's really important to talk about like different categories of friends. I think there are certain friends that are networking friends. I think there are certain friends that are like socializing friends, and those are also really important in life. I think that they also serve their purpose, but I bring this up because I think it's also really important to be able to categorize your different friendships because I think where things can get messy is expectations, where you're expecting something from someone that doesn't view you the same way you view them, or vice versa. And oof, expectations is a rough topic for me personally, because I have been the type of person, honestly, I've been on both ends of the stick. I've been a friend that expected something from a friendship that wasn't in alignment with how friendship was viewed in their eyes. So I think that's really important to speak about too. Like, just are you a low maintenance or high maintenance friend? And what is the other person expecting out of you? If you guys are both high maintenance, that's great. You guys want to talk every day. FaceTime, like follow up with each other all the time. That's amazing. Are you guys both low maintenance friends? This is different from person to person. So I can be a high maintenance friend with one of my friends and be very low maintenance with another friend. And that's okay. It's just the friendship is different in that way. But I think actually putting that into perspective because that's when expectations can get in between the friendship. I've been the type of person that expected too much from a friend because I was viewing her as like a high maintenance and she was viewing me as low maintenance. Not that the value was different for either of us or the love was one-sided or anything like that. It was just friendship was defined differently and the energy that was able to be given to the other person. And sometimes that also changes. Like I could be wanting to give so much to my friendships in a certain time of my life, and then life happens, and there's gonna be certain times in my life where I'm not able to do that and being understanding of that as well. But just, you know, putting into perspective is this a high or low maintenance? And what type of friendship is this? Is this a close friendship? And also being okay with talking about that. Sometimes it doesn't need to be talked about again. It depends on how close the friendship is. But I think also just being able to be really real about what type of friendship you're engaging in. Like, is this someone that I want to be closer to? And then from there, okay, what type of friendship am I expecting out of this? And are they expecting the same? Are they wanting the same? Or is this just a casual friend and a socializing friend? Is this a low maintenance friend, you know, that you check up on every once in a while, maybe go to dinner? Like I've had some friendships that I've kept just as long and that I also consider best friends that we don't talk as much. Like maybe every couple months, there's been times where it's like once a year, but like I still love that girl and I still consider one of her my best friends. And I will also always have her in my life. So it's just, you know, being able to categorize what type of friendship we have has made it easier for us to sustain the friendship at all. But sorry, going back to what I was saying is both ends of the stick, I have been the friend that expected too much, but I've also been the friend that I've had someone expect too much of me. And neither side feels good because at the end of the day, one of the things I pride myself off the most is being a good friend. So, you know, I never want to feel out of alignment or like I'm asking too much, but I also don't want to feel like I'm providing not enough. And I don't know, it's just it can get very complicated. So making sure to communicate, communicate properly and being aware of what type of friend you are, what type of friendship you want, and how that can be sustainable for you. I think giving space is so important in a friendship. Giving space to people to feel things, understand things. The last point that I will make on this is also to the point of being understanding. I think not only being understanding of alignment and being able to communicate, but also being able to take rejection is so important. In the beginning, I think this was weird for me. Saying no was weird for me and being told no was weird for me. But now me and my friends will literally cancel on each other because we're like about to get our period and we just like don't feel like being around each other. Like now that I'm thinking about it, yeah, we've literally every single one of us has done it to each other and we're just like totally okay with it now. I think in the beginning it was weird because it was like, oh my god, I love you so much. Like, how could you not want to spend time with me? Like, what? It's not about that at all. It's not personal, and that's a huge thing is like not taking things personal, not taking things like I could scream that off the top of my lungs. Like it's so important. And I think it's so fun now. Like, sorry girls, I don't feel like it. Love you though, and like it's totally fine. And then also like not feeling left out because it's fine and they love each other and they're gonna have a great time together, and that's great, you know. Like I've come to such a good place in my friendships that I now get Jomo, which is joy of missing out, because it's just all love. Like there was one year where we have this one friend that she always has a Halloween party every year, and I've never gone to it and I I've always wanted to. And then one year it was like we were all able to go, and I booked a trip last minute that happened to be when the party was, and I was in Columbia. And maybe it has a little bit to do with the fact that I was like loving my trip also, obviously. So I didn't feel FOMO. I was just like so happy for them because how cool! Like, I'm not there in specific these couple girls that I'm talking about. It's three girls, Lexi and Isa, I've been friends with for forever. And then Sydney, I was friends with her separate from Lexi and Issa, kind of like we were close and I was close with them, but it wasn't like you know, we weren't all hanging out all the time. And over like the past year or two, we've all just gotten really closer, and it's kind of just like this little girl group, which is so fun. But this was like two years ago, and it was, I think it was their first time hanging out without me. And I was just so happy for them. I was like, how cool! Like, I love my friends so much, and like they love each other so much, and they're having like such a beautiful time. And you know, I'm sure they want me there, and if I was there, I would want to be there too. You know, it's no shade against me. Like, obviously, they're not like yay, like stuff's not here. Like, if any of us aren't there, we're like, oh, I wish that Sydney was there or whatever it is. Yeah, just also respecting their own unique friendship, I think is really cool, and also respecting our own unique friendship. Like me and Lexi hung out this past weekend, and I was like, damn, like we haven't had any one-on-one time, you know, and that felt good. And it wasn't that I was like, thank God these girls aren't here. It was just like, oh, I'm I'm so grateful that I can have just time alone with you. And those one on ones are really special to me. So yeah. Anyways, that is everything on my mind. This is such an important topic for me. I think it is such an important life topic. Friendships can be so fulfilling if you allow them to, but it really is work, and it's not always simple or easy or the most. Fun, it can be really uncomfortable and challenging, but it really is so worth it and so rewarding. And yeah, I'm so grateful to be able to have fulfilling relationships. Girls, if you're listening to this, I love you so much. You have no idea your support and love and companionship means the world to me. And yeah, thank you guys so much for listening. I hope that you enjoyed and got some value out of this episode. You can find me on Instagram at Stephanie underscore Mongi. You can find any of my links there. New episodes now every Friday. So stay tuned. Kind of experimenting, see how that is gonna go for a little bit. Still working on trying to get all these videos and figuring out how to do guests. So bear with me. Hopefully, we have one of my girlfriends on soon. But, anyways, love you guys so much. Thank you so much for tuning in and holding space for me. I will talk to you next week. Bye.