The Hidden Roles That Quietly Shape Every Family

Most people think they grew up in the same family as their siblings.

But that’s not really true.

In this episode, I talk about the hidden roles that form inside families… the labels we get as kids… and how those roles quietly follow us into adulthood.

Sometimes you’re the “responsible one.”

Sometimes you’re the “problem child.”

Sometimes you become the parent before you’re even grown up.

And the strange part?

Most families never talk about it.

These roles are unspoken… but everyone feels them.

Once you see them, you can’t unsee them.

And that realization changes how you look at your childhood, your parents, and even your relationships today.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

• Why siblings can grow up in the same house but have completely different childhoods
• The hidden family roles that shape your personality without you realizing it
• The powerful pattern many people repeat in relationships without understanding why

If you’ve ever wondered why certain family dynamics feel so heavy… this episode will make a lot of things click.

But it might also make you ask some uncomfortable questions.

Chapters:
00:00 – The Hidden Roles Inside Every Family
00:18 – How Family Labels Start Early
01:40 – Birth Order and Personality
03:11 – The “Rebellious” Second Child
03:48 – The Youngest Child and Family Roles
10:48 – When a Child Becomes the Parent
12:01 – Kids Who Grow Up Too Fast
14:31 – Why Emotions Were Never Talked About
18:06 – The Danger of Labeling Your Kids
27:05 – Kids Don’t Need Perfect Parents
31:28 – Breaking Generational Patterns
36:34 – Why Emotional Availability Matters

Transcript

SPEAKER_03 0:00

Hi guys. Welcome back to In Session with Nat and Ange. Today we're going to be talking about family dynamics. We know that every family has their family roles. We have so many different types of people that come together and try to make it work. Yeah. And that's called a family. That's what a family means. Yes. So when I say family roles, I mean that sometimes we grow up being put in a label. And that label doesn't necessarily have to do anything with like us or something we created for ourselves, but it's something that our parents have created for us. And sometimes we grow up and we can't escape that role for some reason. And it's like it's that's the expectation that we are required to stay in for the rest of our lives because that's all we've been known as. So today, like, I guess we can talk about some of those roles and like what that looks like. What are some roles that we can typically fall into?

SPEAKER_01 1:02

Yeah. You know, I think it's funny because these roles are typically like unspoken roles. And like no one really in the family says it. But like, you know, that's just like what's expected of you. You have these like certain expectations, and this is what your parents expect, this is what your siblings expect. You know, your family just knows you as this, right? Because that's just always what you've been and what, you know, they've made of you, right? So it's so funny because most of the time it's unspoken. It's just, it is what it is. So I think when we talk about like familial roles, and especially like children and like siblings, we talk about birth order in psychology a lot, like first child, second child, youngest child, and why that plays such a big role, you know, in your personality and in who you are, you know? And so I feel like we don't have to get into the all the like little nitty-gritties of every order of birth. Um, but there is a big, typically it's it's very, it stands true in in most families. So like you have your first child, the firstborn, right? Firstborns are usually high achieving, they're very like dependable. They're, I mean, not to tear up, not to tell, but they're also usually like perfectionists because they have these like certain expectations that they can do these things well and they've always done it. There's a lot of responsibility placed on the firstborn children.

SPEAKER_03 2:33

Like we are the role models for our siblings. So it's like, I don't want my sibling to turn out any way other than perfect. Like I need to be that example for them. So it's it's hard being the oldest child.

SPEAKER_01 2:46

It really is. And you have a lot of weight on your shoulder because you have a lot of this pressure that you feel like your family's legacy and reputation depends on you and how well you do. And it's very, very scary. And then you have your second child, not your middle child, that's different. Middle child is a whole separate thing, but your second child, secondborn child, that child is usually um rebellious one. A little bit of rebellion, yes. Yeah. And also they're very um, they're usually like doing, achieving what firstborns are locking in, if that makes sense. You know? Unfortunately, it's true. We lock in certain areas. Um, yeah. So they're like achieving what their firstborn sibling locked in a little bit. They're also usually pretty sensitive to, you know, like being left out of things. They're pretty sensitive to um what's it called? Just feeling like Tony puts himself out. It's his fault. It is that's how we're doing this.

SPEAKER_03 3:51

Poor Tony. Tony, shout out to you. Shout out to me. It is his fault, bro. He just doesn't want to stay home.

SPEAKER_01 3:58

Anyways, well. Poor Tony. I'm with you, buddy. I got you. Um, yeah, so that's second born. And then thirdborn, or we'll just do youngest. Youngest child is usually um the entertainer of the family. They are the most entertaining one in the family. They're also very high achieving. Yeah, I like to say I am that it's not Perla, but I'm sure Perla has a lot to say about this. Um, yeah, so like these are very well known in most families, you know? And you also have, you know, your hero of the family, your golden child, the perfect child, the one that can do no wrong, you know? That is Andrew. That is Andrew for you guys. That is Andrew. Yeah. I feel like for us, that's probably Abhudi. It's that age group, man. I don't know what they do. And then also gender plays a role in Autob, in Atub world too. That's true, you know.

SPEAKER_03 4:50

The girl can never be the gold.

SPEAKER_01 4:52

She can never be the child. Unless you have all girls.

SPEAKER_03 4:55

Unless you have all girls.

SPEAKER_01 4:56

Yeah. Yeah. For sure. So it's like, and it's not like your parents love one child more than the other, but we have to admit that there is a difference. There is a difference in treatment. Definitely is. There's a difference in how parents respond to their kids.

SPEAKER_03 5:11

And I I love, like when we were talking yesterday, how you mentioned, because I saw that clip too, how there was that doctor who said um each child didn't grow up in the same home. Like each sibling didn't grow up in the same home. Which is so, so true. Because when I was growing up, it was a different era for my parents than when like Andrew was growing up. Andrew was growing up when, like, you know, we got on our feet, we were like good. We, or when they went through the trials and errors with me and Tony, that's when Andrew got his, you know, raising up. Maybe that's why he's the golden child. Maybe.

SPEAKER_01 5:49

Because they learned at that point, like what to do and what not to do. Like we were the guinea pigs, right? Guinea pigs. Our parents, it was their first time being parents, right? They were a lot younger than when they had their last child. Um, they were also, like you said, going through a lot at the time, you know? So it's like all that plays a role. I love that you brought that doctor up because I when he first said that, when I first watched, so he says, No two children have the same parents. No two children have the same childhood, like no siblings. And I was like, what? Like that doesn't make any sense. And then he was sitting and explaining, he's like, no, like none of them have the same childhood, and this is why. And he explains, like you said, because parents are different places in their lives when they have their first child versus versus their second child, mentally, physically, emotionally, they're at different places in life. That's one. Two kids have different temperaments. So you have a different temperament than Andrew or Tony. Same with me and my siblings. So the way our parents parent us, I may respond to it differently than Abudi will respond to it. So naturally, I'm gonna have a different experience of my parents than Abudi does of our parents. Does that make sense? That makes a lot of sense. So, like, even that, like the temperament changes, like there's a lot of reasons why he was like, So, like when you hear, like, oh, like, you know, you have a family, and then one person is like loves like a very close to their mom and dad, and the other sibling is like, I don't have a good relationship with my mom or my dad or whatever. You're like, you guys have the same parents. I mean, well, kind of you you kind of didn't. You had different experiences of your parents growing up. Yeah, that's so true.

SPEAKER_03 7:30

Oh my gosh, there's there's just so many roles. But also there's the there's the expectation parents put on the child or the role they create for the child. Kind of like when you when you started saying, like, there's the hero, there's the scapegoat, like the one that acts out and gets blamed for problems. I I heard the saying where it's just like the scapegoat of the family is just acting out on the on the things that are unspoken in the family system. What that means is they are basically voicing their concern in these rebellious acts of like, hey, there's a problem, we're not solving it. So I need to raise my voice, I need to misbehave, I need to cause rebellion because you guys are not resolving your your issues. And I was like, Yeah, wow, that's that's actually very, very um interesting to think about.

SPEAKER_01 8:26

And those are usually they're labeled as the black sheep of the family. Black sheep. They're labeled as the odd one out, right? So in every family, you know, a lot of psychologists like to argue that there is one black sheep of the family. So one person that doesn't fit in the family, one person that really stands out and is unique to the rest of the siblings or unique to the rest of the family. And it's because, like you said, I think it's like they don't conf like they see what's wrong and they don't conform to what everyone else is conforming to just because everyone else is conforming to it. Yeah. They're more at like, no, like I don't agree with this, and I'm gonna voice it. I don't agree with like living like this. So I'm gonna live differently. And it's like, it's not that they're doing anything wrong, it's just different and it's scary for families to be like, oh, like you have your own, especially in like Autob worlds. It's like, oh, you have your own like opinions and like your own life and like you want to do something different than like what we are what we do. Yeah, it's weird, it's odd. And so they're seen as the black sheep of the family. And it's not just Autobs, like this isn't every single family.

SPEAKER_03 9:30

It's every family, yeah. Yeah. There's also one that we should really talk about the parentified child. Oh my god. That one is heartbreaking because that one is like we see this a lot. It's very, very present in pretty much a lot of families where you know the child starts to take on the role of the mother or father. Because, and I don't want to say because the parents are lacking in doing the parenting, but I think sometimes some parents they are just going through a time where they can't be emotionally present for the child, where they might have some unresolved issues of their own, or they're, you know, reacting based on their own childhood that they feel like that now it's coming out in the present. And then the kid is just like, well, you know, you're not, you're not providing that stability in the home. You're not providing what needs to be provided for. So I feel like I need to take on that role to create some kind of peace, some kind of stability. Yeah. And it's just heartbreaking, but it's just like it's very common too. Yeah. And it's sometimes it's unspoken. I don't know why I'm getting emotional.

SPEAKER_01 10:48

I don't know. I think because of that breaks my heart. Like, it's just not fair. It's not fair for I think obviously a lot of parents don't realize they're doing it. Like it's unintentional, you know? And parents go through a lot themselves. So I don't think they realize they're doing it. But then on the child, especially as an oldest child, like I think I'm like feeling for the like the old, the oldest siblings here. I think it's just, it feels like it is your responsibility when it never was, you know. And I don't think they ever get told, like, hey, like this was never, why am I getting this? No. No, but I get it. It's my own trauma giving.

SPEAKER_03 11:33

Oh my God. Don't make me cry because I will cry too. I think we've all grown up, like, at one point feeling like, okay, I need to be in that role today. And it's not all the time. Like, I'm not saying it like that, but I think it is very much so a thing that happens in life. And I don't know, sometimes you just have to be you just have to take on that role to create some sense of stability.

SPEAKER_01 12:00

Yeah. Yeah. What I think it is, is like sometimes, yeah, you do, but I feel like when it's all the time, and again, you don't have anyone telling you, like, hey, this this isn't your responsibility. Like, this is not like I think they just need like to be told that. Like, like, hey, like, I see that you want to help, and I love you and I appreciate you, but this is not your role. Like, you are not the mom and you are not the dad, you are the child, you know? And so that is just so heartbreaking because I think a lot of kids take on more than they should take on, you know, and it's like they forget to enjoy being a child. And I'm not talking about like me or like anyone I know, but like I see it a lot with, you know, with our work, with our field of these kids, you know, come in and it's like they're so mature and grown for their age. And I'm like, oh, it's not just that they're mature because they're mature, they're mature because they had to grow up quicker than they needed to. They had to, like, they didn't have another choice because their parents were being like absent parents, you know? So it's like, oh, it's okay, it's on me. And it's like, no, like all you need to do is be a child and just like have fun and not worry about when mom and dad are arguing. Don't worry about keeping the peace in the house. Don't worry about, you know, I like it's it's heartbreaking.

SPEAKER_03 13:22

And it's like, yeah, we can tell them, like, hey, don't worry, don't worry. But like that worry is always there because it's just like every child's dream is just to have a stable home. Yeah. And it's just like it feels impossible. And like you said, I think my biggest hope is that the parents one day like realize, like, hey, this is not your role. And like, I'm here now and I'm showing up and I'm gonna be here every single day. Yeah. And it's like I pray we can get to that place where people start to identify that and move forward. But I think it's it's also like unresolved things with the parent that goes on. Yeah. Where, and I I see this to relate all of this back to like Arab, but Adobe I just don't feel like are emotionally intelligent in the slightest. I don't think because they never had that opportunity to be told like, hey, feelings are okay. Feelings are things that we have to face and we have to resolve and or problems. Just I've never been shown resolution when it comes to problems. I've just seen the problems, I've seen the chaos, and then the resolution's always behind doors, or it's always like it's not how do I explain this? It's never shown of like how we all got back to a calm season. It's just one day I come back home and I'm like, oh, everything's cool now. And it's just like, what? Like you're left so confused. I'm left so confused, it's so confusing. But I think it's just we we didn't or they didn't grow up thinking like, oh hey, maybe maybe the traumas of my past is why I'm reacting so strongly to this right now. They don't have that or they don't see that. And I feel like when you get older and you get to a place in your life, I don't think you can really get past or you can change the way you you act or behave. I believe there is a way. I just feel like it's so much harder than like us growing up. You know? Yeah. I agree.

SPEAKER_01 15:30

I love that you said there, I think most people can relate to that. Like that there, you know, I I I see it too. Like I've I've experienced like there isn't an um, oh let's sit down and talk about like what got us to this place, why we're feeling first of all, there's no like labeling the emotion. There's no like I'm feeling really angry, but it comes out in other ways, you know, whether some people emotionally shut down, some people react by like getting angry and like showing their anger in whatever ways. There's never like, I'm so upset right now and I'm so angry right now because this, this, that. Or maybe I don't know why I am. I just know that I'm feeling like this, right? And then there's no talk about it. There's no like accountability either taken. And I think that's what sucks. Like, there's no, you're allowed to have your moment. You're allowed to be angry and just be angry. That's fine. That's fine. But then come back and take accountability for it and like recognize, like, hey, like, I'm sorry, like that wasn't cool of me to react in that way. I shouldn't have taken it out on you. Yeah. My anger was not coming towards you. It was not about you. It's coming from A, B, C, D. Um, and I'll work on like better regulating like how I'm feeling and my emotions next time.

SPEAKER_03 16:55

That's all it takes. Yeah. It doesn't take much, you know. We should run a poll and like if you are in an Arab household who's been traumatized. No, no, no. How many of your parents have ever said the word sorry? That's the poll. Hmm.

SPEAKER_01 17:16

Anyway, moving on. Um, yeah. So it's just like it doesn't, it doesn't take much, but like you said, there there was never that. Um, maybe they feel it, they feel sorry, you know? They feel I think they do feel sorry.

SPEAKER_03 17:30

And I think they show it in different ways. Yeah. I don't like they'll bring you like, you know, your plate of fruit. Yes. We're like, buy you get yeah, bring you a symbolishi to your room.

SPEAKER_01 17:41

It's like Kai, so it's like it's okay. Thanks for apologizing. Like, I swear we all live in the same household. I swear. But it's like, yeah, like that's the stuff that I think we really need to break, you know? Yeah. And we just work better on like communicating.

SPEAKER_03 17:59

I think it we, I think, well, with if we go back to kind of like the the labeling and the placing children in roles part, I think we didn't discuss like how what advice we would give to parents in resolving that. And I think one thing we can say is like, first and foremost, like we say with everything, recognize and be aware of what you are doing. Notice the patterns of label labeling. Like, am I making my child, am I giving my child the label of the shy one? And like, is he having a hard time like breaking out of his shell because I keep like, oh, well, you're just a shy person. And like this, or this person is like this or that. Or like that's how I describe you. Or that's how I describe you to people. Yeah. Or like, you know, my daughter, she's so high achieving, she's this and that. Like, recognize if that's affecting your your child and like, well, now she has that pressure to constantly fill that role. And then I think another really important thing that they need to do is rotate responsibility within the household, which means like, don't just put everything on one child. Like, one child shouldn't be doing all the paperwork. Yeah. They shouldn't be running the errands for the family, cooking for the family, doing whatever, whatever task the family needs. It shouldn't be placed on one child. It should be dispersed within every with all the kids. So they all share in that role. And hey, even if someone isn't funny, man, if they try and say joke, just laugh.

SPEAKER_01 19:35

Are you talking about personal experience here? I felt like she was about to talk to me. I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_03 19:42

That's an inside joke between me, Julian, and Body. Anyways, okay.

SPEAKER_01 19:47

Yeah. So rotate responsibility, basically, is what I'm trying to say. I love that piece of advice. I think that is really important because I think that naturally takes away the labeling part of things, right? Like, well, no longer are you the um even like not labeling their personality, but like even saying, like, oh, well, sh does all the paperwork in the family. She does this, like whatever. Like, if you start rotating those responsibilities, there's like you said, there's not that pressure on that one person to like do it, you know? Where it's like, no, like we can all do it. We can all do it together. No one has to be responsible for one certain thing. And then when they don't do it, they feel like, oh my God, like I'm the worst person in the world.

SPEAKER_03 20:29

I've also seen a lot of people where just like, it's not only the parents who expect that, now the siblings expect it too. Yes. You know? Yes. It's like, well, they do that. That's just their thing. That's who they are. Like, why would I do it if that's like what she likes to do or what he likes to do? Or like it's just the expectation of like, well, they're gonna take care of me in this sense. And it's like, no, you should take care of yourself.

SPEAKER_01 20:53

You know, I'm guilty of that though. Like talking about that. Like, I'm thinking of me and my siblings and like our unspoken responsibilities, you know? And I've honestly like, I've never like had to like, you know, think about like, for example, um certain like bills, okay? Because like Abu Dhi handles that stuff in our family. Like it was my dad, and then Abu Dhi grew up and he's the boy of the family, so he handled that stuff, you know? So I never had to like worry about like, oh, which is a blessing, yes. But also it's like, haram, like I feel so bad for him because I feel like he gets put so much of that like financial like responsibility, not to like make finances, but to like, you know, make sure this is taken care of and this is taken care of, and this all because he's like the oldest boy in the family, you know? And so that's always been his thing. So I've never thought twice about it, to be honest. And now as we're talking, I'm like, oh my gosh, like I'm 27. I can do that. Like he doesn't have to like handle all of that. To do that. I don't understand. Tony and they're better at it. It's We're just saying that's when we need to stop. No, but you know, so I'm just like, yeah, I'm guilty of that too. But it depends on, I think also how much it's playing and affecting that other person. You know, if I can't even imagine how much they carry, if it's an overwhelming amount and it's like, that's, you know, then then I'd be like, oh my God, I feel horrible. Like, let me take stuff off your plate. You know, but if I'm like, okay, but like, here's the situation in my family.

SPEAKER_03 22:31

If I ever, you know, say like, okay, let me help you out, they will look at me like, don't touch anything. Like, do not touch it because they know I'm gonna mess it up.

SPEAKER_01 22:43

But what if you don't? But I am okay, fine. Paperwork. Yeah. No. Yeah. I've only I've I've done it a good few times when I had to, and it's not fun. It really isn't fun. Or like insurance stuff. Have you ever done insurance? It's awful. It's awful. No. Yeah, no, it's awful. So it's just like, I get that though. I get that. I feel like that's my mom in the kitchen when I'm like, she has Azim, and I'm like, okay, what can I help with? And like she gets so stressed out. She'd rather be by herself doing nothing and me doing nothing. And then my mom will yell at me for not helping. Yeah. Yeah. And then she'd be like, but she won't let me touch anything because she wants to let me touch anything. And I'm like, but I want to help. And then she's like, I help. And then she's like, no, not like that. And I'm like, okay, fine. I got it.

SPEAKER_03 23:31

Anyway. Just stick to her role of being the emotional keepers of the family.

SPEAKER_01 23:37

Right. The peacemaker. Everyone okay. In the family. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 23:40

Would you say you're the peacemaker in your family? I think I'm a I I feel like I'm the glue that holds everyone together, but I'm also like, I don't know why I blame myself for also being the fuel for everyone's anger.

SPEAKER_01 24:01

Like you're the reason everyone's angry.

SPEAKER_03 24:06

No, I I think like how do I explain it? I feel like sometimes, like, okay, I go situation.

SPEAKER_01 24:16

And then that's your problem.

SPEAKER_03 24:19

And then it's just like what was, you know, already a little bit turns into because now I'm getting pissed off. And I think my energy is like overwhelming. And everybody starts to get more pissed off. So anyway, let's not talk about my trauma. Okay, so it's just a whole mess.

SPEAKER_01 24:41

And what was the original question? Um if you're the peacemaker in your family. I think I'm the glue that holds everyone. Okay. Okay. Okay. That's really cute. I can see that. I think most oldest siblings are. I feel like I'm that way too with my family. In a way, I feel like I'm everyone's therapist. Like, if like genuinely, if like my mom needs to talk, she comes to me. If Perla, she comes to me. If Abudi, he comes to me, Pierre comes to me. Like they all come to me. Yeah. You know, my dad, like, my dad doesn't really talk about his feelings. But I think if he needed to, he'd come to me.

SPEAKER_03 25:17

I think my mom comes to me, but like Tony and Andrew, I don't even know if they have feelings. Yeah, no, don't get me wrong.

SPEAKER_01 25:24

Sometimes like you have to pull it out of your brothers. Like, they don't just come up to you and be like, this is how I'm feeling. Like, I'm feeling sad today. My brothers would be like, absolutely.

SPEAKER_03 25:32

No, not no. My brothers will literally just be moody the whole day and then not want to talk to anyone and just go hide in a room. That's how they know.

SPEAKER_01 25:40

Yeah. And that's my dad too. That's pretty similar to my siblings too, actually. Yeah. So like emotionally. Sometimes you have to pull it out of the register for me. Yeah. But like you can see it. I think that's what's different. Like I can see it in my siblings. And so I go and do something about it. You know what I mean? So I like I'll try to pull it out of them, you know? And if they're just like not having it, they're not having it. Yeah, that's how it is.

SPEAKER_03 26:01

I go try. And then I realize, like, oh, you really don't want to talk. I'm not this is not good.

SPEAKER_01 26:07

Yeah, it's gonna end with me crying. So then I end up crying. Why do you always make it about you?

SPEAKER_03 26:15

Like, well, you're being mean. Anyways. Okay. This is just our trauma dumping episode.

SPEAKER_01 26:22

No, actually, every episode, you guys, we're so sorry. I feel like we start with our topic. Okay. Not every episode, but we did this with anxiety. And then we do like the opposite of what we're trying to do. Like we're not giving any clinical advice.

SPEAKER_03 26:36

We're just trauma dumping.

SPEAKER_01 26:37

We're literally just trauma dumping. I'm so sorry. Here comes the advice. Okay, it's coming. I promise. Just keep going. I mean, keep watching. Um, so we gave one advice. So take responsibility. One big thing that I want to say is um parents. Kids don't need perfect parents. They just need emotionally attuned parents. Okay. They don't need you to be perfect. Just recognize your feelings, why you're feeling what you're feeling, where it's coming from. And then if you're at a point where you're like, well, I already took my anger out on my children and it's too late now, it's not too late. I promise. You know, go to them, talk to them, let them know that that was misplaced anger or frustration for you, and you're gonna try to do better. Um, and that's what they care about because you don't wanna be 50 years down the line and your kid does not want to spend time with you and avoids wanting to see you because you know, you you didn't have that relationship with them growing up. So it's not too late, I promise.

SPEAKER_03 27:47

Yeah, there needs to be somewhat of a a warm atmosphere for the kid and the kid needs to feel heard.

SPEAKER_01 27:54

Yeah. And to feel validated. Children are very, very, very smart and they're very absorbent. They absorb everything. So, like, even if you, you know, they absorb your tone of voice, you know, they absorb, you know, your conflict style, they absorb how emotionally available you are, like today versus tomorrow, you know, when they're safe, when you're stressed, like they feel all of that, you know? And so sometimes maybe you think like your kids didn't pick up on it. I promise they did. And and they just need that conversation and for you to tell them that everything's gonna be okay. Yeah. That's so true.

SPEAKER_03 28:32

Kids absorb all that energy, everything. Like, if you're walking in, I can sense that you are upset and I can and that that feel like that absorbs into me. Like now I can't be happy and I can't be like until you're resolved or your issues are resolved. But I also want to, I want to learn coping. I want to see that. I want to see that modeled for me. Like, I don't want you to go hide in your room and just deal with it on your own. I want to see it in the present of like, how did you come to resolution with things? Kids learn by modeling. Yes. If you are teaching your child, like, hey, problems are okay to have, mistakes are okay to be made. But here's how I work through this problem, and here's how I made this mistake a learning lesson for myself. Dude, you're raising a resilient child that way. Yeah. You're growing resilient kids who know that, like, hey, I am somebody who can get through hard things. And that's so important to have. So I think for all parents, something I would recommend to you guys is have some do some reflective questioning. Ask yourself, like, is my reaction to my child a reaction to my childhood? Is that what it is? Or is it just because hey, my I'm I'm mad at my child? Most of the time, I think it's just because you're you're reacting off of a childhood moment that you didn't come to terms with. So ask yourself the hard questions of like, what went on in my past? And what didn't I heal heal from? Is it my anxiety speaking? We can have a whole episode about anxious parents.

SPEAKER_01 30:24

That was so crazy. Now, yeah. Oh my God.

unknown 30:28

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 30:28

That really hit for me. I'm like, oh my gosh, yes. Like, am I am I angry at my is it, is it my child or is it my childhood? Like, where what is this pattern? You know, where is it coming from? You know, what did I need to resolve so that it doesn't pass down to my children? Because those patterns can easily be passed down whether you realize it or not.

SPEAKER_03 30:51

Yeah. Oh my God. I was literally telling my client that the other day of like, you know, stop thinking about like, you know, I need to change, I need to change. Like make it, make it a broader thing. Like I need to change so that the cycle does not continue with my children. Or I need to do the work now so that my children can learn the resolution, can learn the solution. Yeah. So it's like you need to put it in your head that I am the what do what do they call the person that is like the like who breaks the curse in the family?

SPEAKER_01 31:32

Oh, like they're the um they break the pattern. Yeah, what is it? They um oh my gosh, I don't know. They break the cycle. They just like they break the yeah, the generational. The generational curse. God is the generational pattern, the generational anyways, it doesn't matter.

SPEAKER_03 31:54

It'll come to me at one point. You get the point. You get the point. Like, be the one that breaks the generational curse for your family. Because the rest of the generations that come from you are gonna thank you for that. That's a really good point.

SPEAKER_01 32:08

Yeah. Yeah, and I think you've watched it ends with us, right? Yes. And I think that, like, that's what that reminds me of a lot. Because at the end of the movie, um, because her mom was with her father was very like physically abusive to her mother, right? And so she hated her father like growing up. And even until he died, like, there's a scene where you know, she's supposed to give the um the eulogy and she didn't have anything to say. She was just like silent because she's just like, How do I talk about this man that I like truly hated? Anyway, and then she ends up falling in love with a guy that is also physically abusive towards her. And so then she has a daughter, they have a daughter together, and in the end, the last scene of the movie, she was basically saying, like, I have to be the one to break this, like, because I can't have this passed down to my daughter. Like, she's so perfect and pure, and I cannot imagine her going through the same thing me and my mother did. And so it's gonna end right now and it ends with us. And I thought that was so beautiful. Like, that's the title of the book, obviously, but just that's what she meant by it ends with us. Like it ends with me and you. We we end this this this vicious cycle, you know, of this like pattern of being with these horrible people.

SPEAKER_03 33:32

That is so heartbreaking. Yeah, when you said like that, this this this little person so innocent, so pure, just like oh, it just reminds me of like topics we've discussed like in session with clients or just in general, like that loss of innocence, yeah. It's just so heartbreaking. Yeah, or just like wow, they really have to. And we see that a lot with so many people where it's like they grow up and they kind of just their life just leads them down the same cycle. Yeah, like they end up with people just like their parents. It's like everybody. And it's you wonder, you're like, what? Is that just destined for me? Or is that like am I subconsciously choosing people to rework all rework my past with them?

SPEAKER_01 34:22

Yes, maybe, or you're subconsciously choosing and attracted to people that remind you of home, you know, like it's like even if home wasn't great for you, home's still home and it feels safe. Even if your home wasn't safe, it feels familiar. And so that is easier for people to choose than to choose something new and risky. Yeah. You know, it's like, well, even they're subconscious to it, but like maybe it's that too.

SPEAKER_03 34:51

Yeah. I've all I've also heard that like people choose a partner. Like, let's say, let's say that girl, her dad was abusive. And she ended up finding a partner that also was abusive. And some girls will stay with that partner because they want to they want a better ending for for the past. Does that make sense? Like they never got a resolution with with the dad. They didn't get that, like, okay, here's how we resolve that that relationship. Now I can have it with my partner. I can I can stay until he changes. So this whole saga in my life doesn't just go without ending. Like, there's an ending that can rework itself to provide me clarity and peace. Like I can change the ending. I can change the ending. That's a really crazy way to-can'ch change the ending by breaking the cycle of not choosing people who are going to hurt you or harm you. Whoa. That it was, yes.

SPEAKER_01 36:01

Oh man, dude. Oh my God, nah, that's crazy. Yeah. It's like you go into it thinking like, okay, I'm gonna make it look different this time, thinking like, okay, I'm gonna either change this person or it's gonna look different for me. It's gonna end in a happier note. But you can change and break that cycle by you leaving. Yeah. Oh, that's beautiful. Jeez. Okay, I don't know how we got there. This wasn't even planned. No. Um, but going back to emotional availability and like being emotionally available for your children and showing them that. Um, I want to say I think why it's also important is that how we were saying earlier, how kids are so absorbed, they absorb everything. Um, they know when you are like not available. They know when they can't come and talk to you about how they're feeling or what they're doing. They know um when to tread lightly. And I think that is very, very scary because you want to build that like trusting relationship with your children. So you want to always come off as emotionally available, even if you're not feeling it. Like, let's say you're not having a good day, like moms, dads, I'm sure you don't have good days all the time. So sometimes you're just like, you know what? I don't really feel like doing much right now. I don't feel like having like a conversation, you know? You can even tell your child, like, right now, like I need a break for like 10, 15 minutes, and then later, me and you can talk, you know, just even that rather than dismissing your child. I think where we see a lot of issues is like children feeling dismissed, you know? And it's like, well, like they're gonna turn to other things and other people because they need to feel that validation and like acceptance from somewhere. Oh, for sure.

SPEAKER_03 37:57

Like they need to feel heard by you too. Like it's not always just you with problems, yeah. Or they'll stop sharing, they'll stop sharing. It's gonna feel very unsafe to come and tell you because over time you know your parents' reaction to certain things. Yes. I know if I'm gonna come to you, you're gonna react to me in this way. And I'd rather just avoid that. So I probably won't come to you.

SPEAKER_01 38:19

100%. Another big reason I think kids also stop sharing is or they feel like, you know, unwanted or not as loved or whatever is um, I see this. I think this is one of the biggest problems I see. Um, parents comparing siblings to each other. Oh, you know, I think that is one of the worst things you can do as a parent. Um I think you have to realize your children are just different, and that's okay. They're always gonna be different. They have two different personalities. They have, they look very differently, they have, you know, different strengths and weaknesses. Like that's just how kids are, and that's okay. But don't ever compare two siblings to each other and especially having them hear that. Like, it's always gonna feel like I'm less than the other one, you know? And that's not a good feeling. And especially when it's coming from your parent who you feel is like the one, the the two people that are supposed to love you unconditionally. The opinion you value most in the world. The opinion you value most in the world. And they're just like, My parents are are supposed to love me regardless, you know? Like they're why are they lacking without conditions? Yeah, like why? Like, just because like I'm not I don't make the same grades as my brother does, does that mean like you don't love me as much? Yeah, or I'm not as smart, or I'm not as capable, or you think I'm less than he is, or just because I don't make as much money as my brother. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 39:55

Just because, you know, celebrate who they are, don't celebrate who you want them to be and their efforts, not their achievements. Efforts is so important. Yes. We have already said this in the parenting video. Validate the effort, not the achievement, like you said. Not the kid.

SPEAKER_01 40:15

Praise the effort. Yeah. Praise the effort because that is really truly what matters. So I think that's a huge thing that I would advise parents, you know. Sometimes naturally it happens where you're comparing your children to one another, but please be mindful of not doing it because it really like leaves, I think, a bigger impact than you may realize. You know, I think hearing that is not fun. Like, I would never want to be compared to like my brother and my sister. I'm not them. Like I am me. I'm different, you know. And I am enough. Just because we are siblings, and I am enough. Just because we are siblings does not mean we have to be the same. Like we said in the beginning of this episode. Um, I think his the doctor's name is Gabor Mate. Gabor Mate. Yes, such great lines. He's so wise. So wise incredible. But yeah, just like he says, you know, no two siblings grew up in the same house. You know, they're very different. Yeah. And that's okay. There's nothing wrong with it.

SPEAKER_02 41:16

That's so true.

SPEAKER_01 41:17

Yeah. It's just so heartbreaking when I see that. I don't know.

SPEAKER_02 41:20

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 41:20

Um, I think a lot of today we focused on, you know, like the family roles. Yeah. And there's still so much to talk about. Like we can get into a whole thing about power struggles in family households. Yeah. Um, that's like a whole topic within itself. Yes. Um, what there's so many things. We can talk about like siblings, just siblings' relationship with each other. Relationships, you know, um how to create a strong bond in the family. Right. Like, there's so many things we can discuss, and we'd love for you guys to ask us your questions if you have any topics you'd want to talk about regarding the family, the household, or yeah, whatever it may be, or anything else you'd love to talk about.

SPEAKER_00 42:02

We are here.

SPEAKER_01 42:03

We would love to. And again, with like the parenting, like I th I think we would truly love to do a series about it. We would love to hear, like, you know, if you're looking for specific age groups, like, you know, teenagers, for example, like advice, you know, in the teenage phases and how to handle certain things that come up, you know, as an as a parent rebellion sometimes and you know, rule breaking and all that fun stuff. So if you have certain like topics like that that you're like, I really would love to see an episode about this. Because you guys do great with the Therapy Thursdays. Sometimes they're very general though. Like sometimes, like a guy. Yeah, need to be as specific as you can so we can give you as much detail as we possibly can as well. But we appreciate all of your love and support. And thank you for um sending in all your questions and your topics, and really appreciate it.

SPEAKER_02 43:01

All right, yeah. See you guys in the next in the next episode. Bye. Thank you guys so much for watching this video. We hope you tune into In Session next week. Make sure you leave a comment, like, share, and subscribe. And we'll see you next week.