Let's Play Without Fear

What does it actually feel like to play in fear?

In this episode, Coach Jojo breaks down the emotions, thoughts, and sensations athletes experience when fear takes over their game. Through 3 powerful questions, athletes are challenged to understand what fear feels like, what’s causing it, and why they’re so desperate to avoid it in the first place.

She talks about how many athletes spend their careers trying to avoid negative emotions like embarrassment, pressure, disappointment, and judgment—and how that avoidance is actually what keeps them stuck playing scared.

This episode also dives into the idea that life is 50/50 and that negative emotions are not something we’re supposed to run from. Athletes will learn how pressure is often self-created through overthinking, attaching meaning to mistakes, and worrying about what coaches, teammates, or the crowd might think.

Whether you’re scared of making mistakes, scared of getting taken out, or constantly feeling trapped in your own head during competition, this episode will help you better understand your mind, your fear, and how to stop letting it control the way you play.

Let's play without fear!

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Playing in fear is so debilitating. It's just like you don't want to be there. You don't want to play your sport. You don't want to go in the game. Like if coach is looking down the bench, you're you're just hoping that he's not or she's not gonna pick on you because you don't want to go in and make a mistake. Because as we all know, making mistakes freaking suck. We don't want to make mistakes. We don't want to go out there and just show people and to show coaches and to show teammates that we're somebody that we're not, because we are not our mistakes. So when we happen to make a mistake, it's probably also if we're playing in fear, that means that we're slowing our game down, we're slowing our decision making down. Ultimately, we're not playing like ourselves. And that's why it's so debilitating because it's like we already don't want to play in fear, but then ironically, like it just makes us play in fear because we're overthinking about not playing in fear and we're just overthinking about not wanting to make a mistake. We're thinking about the judgment of others, we're thinking about embarrassment, and we're just there's so much going on in our heads that how are we even enjoying our sports? So that's exactly what I'm gonna be talking about today on today's podcast about how to not play in fear. So let's get right into it. I got three questions for you guys. First question being what is it like to play in fear? What do you feel? What are the emotions? What are the sensations that you feel? Go ahead, pause the podcast, please, and please answer that question. It will take you 10 seconds to answer. Okay, got that? Second question: What are the things that are causing you to play in fear? And I would give you guys some easy answers right now, but that's gonna come a little bit later on the podcast. I'm gonna explain these questions in a second, but please, please, please, please pause and just take 10 seconds, answer that second question. All right, we did that. Third question: Why do you hate the feeling of playing in fear? Now, before I get into those questions, because those are super important questions to talk about, especially if you're somebody that clicked on this podcast and it literally said, Let's play without fear, and you're like, um, perfect for me. I play in fear at all times. Or also, maybe you're somebody that just clicked on this podcast because you like my podcast. You know what? I love you right back. Thank you so much for being here. But I want to ask you now this after asking the three questions. Was that hard for you to answer? I was sitting here saying, hey, it's gonna take you 10 seconds to answer. But maybe you're somebody that, you know, tried to answer in 10 seconds and you tried to make that a simple answer, but you were like, Oh my god, oh my god, I have so much more to say. I have so much more that's coming out of my head that's so much more I want to answer. Or maybe you're somebody that literally answered in 10 seconds and you were like, Yeah, those were pretty simple questions, and I was able to answer it. I know myself, I know how to analyze myself, I know exactly what's going wrong. And you know what? Great for you. That's amazing. But for the people that could not answer in 10 seconds, and maybe you got so frustrated by the first one that you were just like, okay, I'm not pausing anymore. I don't want to answer these questions, just tell me what to do. Tell me what to do to help me and let me get on with this podcast. If you're somebody that thought that that was those were very complex questions, then this is a podcast that you're definitely wanting to stay for and you clicked on the right one. And I'm gonna say this next thing, and I don't want you to feel bad or feel like you are in the wrong, you're going down the wrong direction, or there's something wrong with you. But I just want to let you know that you should be able to answer all of those questions that I just asked. If you're somebody who just struggled to answer those three questions, then I'm gonna tell you right now that you're somebody that does not deal with your emotions because you do not like to feel negative emotions. And guess what? I don't like to feel negative emotions either. Nobody likes to feel negative emotions, they fucking suck. I get that. We just want life to be all dopamine. We want life to be a utopia, we want it to be so great. But like I have said in many podcasts, in my videos that I make on TikTok, it's better to feel pain than nothing at all. Except when I see that quote by the Luminaires, I'm really not saying to be grateful for all the negative times so that when you know a positive thing happens, you actually know that it's positive because you were grateful for the time when it was negative. I'm not saying that. Well, okay, I guess I'm saying that in the sense where it's like, yes, we have to feel negative things in order to feel positive things, but I'm also saying that I want you to sit there and feel negative emotions because that's what humans do. We are going to feel negative emotions no matter what. You could try everything in your power, and I know you've tried everything in your power to make sure that you don't feel anything negative. Have you ever succeeded at that? Have you ever at any point in time tried to be like, okay, you know what? No, I'm just not gonna feel negative right now. I'm just gonna feel positive, and that's worked every single freaking time. I guarantee for a fact that that has not happened. That is added to the list of superpowers. If we were able, if somebody were to ask me, oh, what kind of superpower would you have? I would literally say, Well, it would be to change my mood in point two seconds. But going back to talking about if you are not able to answer those questions or it's very hard for you to answer those questions, then that means that yes, you are somebody that's blocking out emotions, that is blocking out when a negative thing and scenario happens to you. You are trying to move on with all of your power to just not feel embarrassed and to not feel negative and to not start overthinking and spiraling. Sometimes, ironically, that makes you freak out more when you're trying to deny all of these negative effects from something that just happened. Or maybe you are somebody that has mastered, which this was me. I was able to master not feeling negative emotions in the moment, but then later on, they would pile up in my subconscious mind, they would lay in my mind, they would set up camp, make a comfy bed, and then later on, I would just feel like shit. It was like all of these thoughts that I have pushed away are suddenly coming to haunt me. And I would say suddenly, as if it was sudden. Like, of course it's not sudden. I'm pushing so much negative emotions, so many negative sensations back behind my mind because I think that they're just escaping my mind when really I'm tucking them in there very deeply. And then I'm like, oh, why am I in a bad mood? Oh, why do I overthink? Oh, why am I being inconsistent in practice all of a sudden? It's not all of the sudden. It's because I never, and you know, this was my first three years of college, I was never dealing with my emotions. I was never in the moment making sure that I was dealing with embarrassment, that I was dealing with making a mistake and trying to be okay with it and trying to give myself grace. Like I was just, it was almost like I was just numb at that point. The problem with that, the problem with the people who are really good at um not feeling emotions or packing them away is that they do come out later to haunt you, and in ways where all of the sudden we are becoming this player where we're playing in fear and we're playing not like ourselves, and we're like, wait, why is this happening all of a sudden? And it's because you don't know how your mind works and you don't understand your mind, and you're also not dealing with your emotions. All right, so let's get back to the questions that I asked. Um, starting with the first question, what is it like to play in fear? Maybe some of you answered, It sucks. It sucks to play in fear. Um, it feels bad, it feels shitty, it feels scary, it feels like there's so much anxiety in my chest. And I wanted you guys to really channel a time where you felt like you were playing in fear. Like, maybe, like for me, okay. So, for example, I remember playing in fear in this one specific game, too, right? I played in fear a lot in my career, but I remember one specific game, I finally went in and I was like, oh my god, I gotta go in here and I gotta prove myself. I can't make any mistakes, because if I make a mistake, then that means that I didn't prove myself and I'm gonna sit not only this game the rest of the game, but I'm gonna sit the bench next week. And I remember getting in just wanting to play my role, never wanting to make a mistake. Okay. I get in, what's the first thing I do? Make a mistake. Now, because of my mindset before I even made a mistake, before the future even happened, I was already predetermining what I wanted to do and what I wanted to accomplish in that moment, that it was actually predetermining how I was gonna feel. And guess what? It didn't go my way. The circumstances that happened didn't go my way. So then I start to freak out and I start to spiral because I'm like, wait, that didn't go to plan. I made a mistake, and that's the one thing that I didn't want to do. And then I'm like, okay, oh my god, coach is gonna take me out now, and now I have to do something, I have to make up for it. And guess what I did after that? I made another fucking mistake. And so finally I remember like the play stopping, and I did. I got taken out because I made the mistakes and I knew that that that that was the equation. I knew that if I went in, mistake equals sit on the bench, and I was so scared of that happening, that exact scenario happening, that it felt, I just remember the gym feeling like it was closing in on me, like almost like my peripherals. I always say that word really weirdly, sorry. I it felt like my peripherals were like blackened. Like I can't even there is something about being able to really get in that moment again and wanting to live in that moment. Like, and when I'm asking you this question, like, what is it like to play in fear? And to even like for me to sit here, it feels uncomfortable answering that question and channeling the sensations that I was feeling. And I don't like it, but it's good for you to do what I'm doing where I'm sitting here and I'm like, oh my God, my chest was so tight. The gym felt so small, things were black, like it just it felt like a fever dream. But it's so good to do that because guess what? I'm still here, I'm still living. And the reason why we make mistakes is one, we're human, but what we could benefit from the mistakes is that we could learn from them. But are you gonna learn from them? Are you gonna learn from the mistakes, or are you just going to be so scared to do it again because you can't deal with these negative sensations and emotions? Of course, now that I'm healed and I think about that game that I had, I of course am not scared of that moment anymore. And it's really not a second thought to me, but I remember thinking about that mistake that I made for weeks. I was like, this is a reason why I'm not playing. Like, I can't go in without making a mistake. I didn't learn from it. I didn't, I didn't ever want to feel that way again, and I never wanted to mess up again. And not only that, I really didn't play again for a few more games, but I was so anxious sitting on that bench because I was like, I literally would be like, Don't put me in. Do not put me in because I don't want that to happen again. I don't want to get embarrassed again. I don't want to like prove like, because the thing was is that that wasn't me as a player. And so I just kept proving not only my coach that I should be on the bench, but I was proving myself that. And my confidence was just being destroyed all because I was playing in fear, all because I didn't want to feel the sensation and the emotion of fear. And I always do this, I'm getting into I always combine all of my subjects into one, but like that is getting into question number two. Like, what are the things that are causing you to play in fear? And I mean, a lot of that, if we're just using that example that I just used of me messing up in a game, like that is what made me play in fear was messing up sitting on the bench. And it wasn't even the embarrassment of others, to be honest. Like it was really just the disappointment that I felt in myself because I had worked so hard. And why am I not showing up? Like, I worked so hard in that goddamn gym. Why is my hard work not showing up in the game? And why am I not? Not only isn't my hard work not showing up, but why am I feeling so negative? Like I don't deserve this. So it was also frustration that made me play in fear. It was like me getting all fired up and getting like so in my head about everything and just overthinking everything and being like, okay, well, maybe next time, like if I do X, Y, Z, maybe it will work this time. Let me just tell you guys something. You will never ever be able to predict the future, no matter how much you want to set up the future for yourself. But that's exactly the skills that we have to learn to develop, and we have to learn how to adapt in the moment. And I say this all the time. If you've been playing your sport for so many freaking years, you do have that skill. You do know how to adapt. You just have to let it come about without you having all these overthinking thoughts. Like what I mean by that, sorry, that was kind of confusing. If you have overthinking thoughts and you are playing in fear, then those instincts aren't gonna come out for you. And I literally have a podcast that's called Let's Play with Our Instincts, and I love that podcast so much. It's actually pretty popular out of my podcast. I think that it's kind of funny because like I'll post podcasts and I think that, you know, some of them are gonna do better than others, and it's not that way. Um, but it did do pretty well. And I specifically think that that podcast is really good because it's not really something I try to bring to the table things that athletes don't really realize. I mean, I also make podcasts like this where it's like it's pretty adamant that you know, you guys know if you're playing in fear or not. You know if you're stepping on that field or in that gym on that court, if you feel anxiety because you're scared of messing up. I think that that's pretty clear. Again, if it's not clear, the questions that I asked, you have to ask yourself that. Get a journal out, ask yourself what are the issues that you're having in your game that's making you not a confident and consistent player. But you know, I'm kind of uh meshing everything together, like I said. But question three why do you hate the feeling of playing in fear? And I just said in my example, like, we don't want to feel negative emotions. That's exactly why we play in fear, and that's exactly why we lose confidence. And you guys probably are like, Coach Jojo, that was a really simple question. Like, obviously, we hate playing in fear because it feels shitty. But what I always say to my clients, like it gets kind of uncomfortable sometimes. Like, if you get on a call with me, so I'm gonna ask you these questions, but I'm gonna ask you even more questions, and then questions on those questions, and it's questions on those questions, because a lot of the times I get answers that are very simple and answers that are like this. Like, if you were to answer this question, why do you hate the feeling of playing in fear? And you're just like, well, it feels shitty. I'm gonna be like, okay, what does shitty feel like? What does play what is feeling bad feel like to you? And you're gonna be like, Well, it doesn't feel good. I'm gonna be like, and this happened, guys, this happens all the time because we don't answer in a more complex way, but that's exactly how we're gonna understand our brain, and that's exactly how we're gonna get to the point of being able to deal with negative emotions. Because when we get to the core of it, so let's say that I'm still asking you these questions, okay? And let's say that I eventually break you, I eventually get you to say, okay, you know what? I hate playing in fear because it feels like I'm dying inside. And you know, maybe you didn't want to answer that way because that sounds dramatic, but that's exactly like, don't think that it sounds dramatic. That's how you're feeling, and that's exactly why you keep continually playing in fear. Continuing, I I definitely said that wrong. Continuously. God, I left out a whole letter in that word. You don't want to admit that it is making you want to die. That's how I felt when I was playing in fear. I didn't want to go play on that core. I would rather be literally like dug underneath a grave. Like I was not wanting to be there. But then, okay, okay, guys, we answer that way. Okay, let's just say that we answer that way. Okay, whatever, that's how you're feeling. And maybe that's pretty dramatic for some of you, but maybe you're like, yes, Coach Jojo, that's exactly how I feel. We're gonna sit there and I'm gonna be like, okay, but how does that feel? How does it feel that you want to just crumble into a hole and never be seen again? It's gonna suck, right? But then what? We're still here, we're still alive, we're still going. And you know what? That one mistake, those three mistakes, five mistakes, they do not define you. You are going to have bad days. You are going to have days where you're gonna want to go into that hole. You are going to have just you're gonna slip down that mountain as much as you're gonna climb up it. But we have good days. And maybe those good days don't feel like good days right now. But when you're able to just like, I feel like I just took a deep breath. Like, I feel like I got really into this scenario talking to you guys. And I already feel so much more calm to just accept it, to just accept the feeling of like, yeah, you know what? That freaking sucks. I made a mistake, I got embarrassed. Yeah, I'm gonna sit here and feel it. It sucks. And then I'm gonna say, but you know what? Life goes on, has to go on. And yeah, I'm gonna see how I'm gonna learn from the mistakes that I made. And that's the only way that we're really able to move forward is to just get out of that victim mindset. And a lot of times I don't think that it's very intentional that we are, you know, trying to block out negative emotions. I think that it becomes a habit. It became a habit for me. I grew up like just never wanting to express an emotion, good or bad. And so it translated onto the court. Like if I made a mistake, I was just in my own circle and by myself. And I really never wanted to express that, you know, that made me feel shitty. And then it would show up in other ways where I was having anxiety 24-7 and I didn't know why. And it's like it's because I just kept shoving all of these thoughts away and I was never dealing with them. But maybe finally, you know, you're listening to this podcast and you're like, oh man, I really, I really do shove a lot of emotions down, and I don't ever want to feel negative emotions. And maybe this is your realization. What I'm trying to say is all you need is awareness, all you need to do is sometimes that's what happens with a lot of my clients that I coach is like I make them just click in one way, and that is them being like, oh my God, this is how my brain works. Oh my god, this is what I do. These are some toxic aspects that happen, like and that I'm causing. You could have this realization and it could just flip everything around. And I think that what we really have to take away from if we ever find ourselves playing in fear, it is because we're scared of whatever your reason was, right? I think that there's other reasons like yes, you're scared of making a mistake because coach is gonna pull you out. I also think that there's fear of judgment of your teammates' judgment of coaches' judgment of the audience. Maybe you have another reason why you're playing in fear. And again, like I said, for me, like it was disappointing myself. But then if we're even able to change our perspective into like, wait, I am human, and this is gonna happen to me, and I am gonna feel negative emotions because life is 50-50, and then we're able to accept just everything that's happening to us, you're actually gonna realize that there's gonna be a sliver of confidence that's gonna light in you. When you could give yourself grace, and I think that it's really hard being an athlete to give ourselves grace because we at least for me, I was so, so hard on myself. And I just know that all of you athletes out there, like you are so freaking hard on yourself that I thought that if I wasn't mean to myself, that I wouldn't do the task at hand, that I wouldn't work hard enough. And I think that that's true when we make a mistake is that we get so mad. Like there's other aspects, right? Like we're so embarrassed, like whatever. But I think there there's also just this frustration and anger that we get from making a mistake because we tell ourselves, like, oh, we gotta be better than that. But then if if if we're just able to be in a kinder mindset to ourselves, it's funny because I'm able to now being not playing a sport anymore. I've really, really, really worked on being kinder to my mind. And I never thought that it would be a solution to, you know, working harder. I always thought that I'd be mean to myself. But I'm telling you that if you give yourself grace, there's not as much pressure. You are the only person on this entire planet that puts pressure on yourself. Your teammates are not putting that pressure on you, your coach is not putting that pressure on you, your parents are not putting that pressure on you. And if you're sitting here saying, um, Coach Ojo, yes, they are, like they are literally telling me that I have to be better and that I can't make mistakes and that I'm not gonna play if I like keep making mistakes. It's how you're receiving it and how much pressure you're gonna put on yourself because that's a circumstance. And I've talked about this in one of my podcasts. I don't talk about this a lot. I talk about it if we do one-on-one coaching, but I talk about how there are just circumstances that happen to us, and we a circumstance is literally not negative nor positive. Let me give an example with that. Let's say that I am scared of making mistakes right now and I'm not being consistent. I'm not a confident player at all. And my coach is having a meeting with me, right? We do a weekly meeting, and I'm already in this mindset where I spiral pretty quickly and I'm very, I mean, I'm pretty unstable, let's just say. And my coach says to me, Okay, JoJo, you need to be better in games. You have to stop making so many mistakes. First off, this is probably my nightmare because I'm already a player that doesn't want to make mistakes, and he's saying or she's saying the exact thing that I don't want to hear. But you guys, this is a circumstance. I could be somebody that is going to sit there and be like, oh my God, I'm gonna start spiraling, I'm gonna freak out. I can't believe that they just said that. Like, yes, they are right, and I need to be better, and that is putting so much pressure on myself. But let's turn it around and let's say that we think of the circumstance as a positive one. Or not even positive. Like, let's think of it as a neutral thing. Let's say that coach says, Jojo, you need to be better about your mistakes. You have to cut half of the mistakes that you're making in the game. I could be like, okay, like what if I got in this mindset and I was just like, okay, yeah, I can't control what you're gonna say. I can only control about what I say, how I feel, how I react. And of course, this is so much easier said than done. But what I want you guys to do in any scenario that this happens in, and you know, it doesn't have to be just a coach saying something to you, maybe it's like any scenario that happens or any circumstance that happens, I want you to take a second to take a step back and instead of spiraling right away, instead of analyzing something right away, be like, okay, this is a circumstance. What do I want to feel after I make the decision of what I'm gonna think about? If I were to respond in a way where it's like, I'm not gonna take anything personally and I'm not gonna be a victim, and I'm just gonna say, okay, that's how you feel. How I feel is that I'm still I know who I am. I don't need you to tell me who I am. To have some sort of control is going to put less pressure on yourself. If you are able to take the driver's seat and control all of the conversations in your head and to make them into not only positive ones, but just ones where you're like, I know myself and I understand my mind. Actually, I have I'm interrupting myself, which is what I always do. But I have this client that I'm working with right now and um I talk about her kind of frequently. She is somebody that's doesn't really like her coach right now. But what's so great about her is that she's able to apply the things that we talk about and like instantly. And so something that we talk about is that she's allowed to be frustrated with her coach. When her coach tells her something, I love how she's able to put the personal feelings that she feels aside and to know herself and be confident enough to know her abilities. So when she gets frustrated after her coach says a comment to her, she's like, Yep, I feel frustrated. She'll literally tell me, she'll be like, Yeah, I was really mad when he said that. And then, of course, me being a life coach, I'm like, Okay, well, why'd that make you mad? And she goes, No, no, no, Coach Jojo. That made me mad, but then I moved on. And I was like, Oh my God, that's that's amazing. Because that's what I'm trying to tell you. You're allowed to feel negative emotions as long as you're able to bounce back from them and you're able to, you know, go into a more positive mindset. Like, you could be in this circumstance where this coach tells you, Hey, Jojo, you need to cut down your mistakes. And I could be like, Oh man, that hurts to hear, but okay, yeah, let's move on. And now I'm in control and now I don't feel as pressured. And that's exactly what my client does. Like, she, because she doesn't let that get so blown up in her head, she's able to not put so much pressure on the situation at hand. She's able to not put so much pressure on the circumstance that came up. But what I'm really, really trying to say is that it is all on you to control your pressure because they could say anything to you. And how are you gonna blow it up in your head? When we're playing with less pressure, we are going to be more confident. And that's when we're gonna start to play more consistently. I do say that, of course, all of these, these are the three big categories I talk about when being a mindset coach is that I say, I'm gonna help you play confident, consistent, and to stop playing in fear, or sometimes I'll say to have you guys stop thinking overthinking thoughts. But the thing that's cool about those three subjects is that you could you don't have to do them in order. Like, there's not gonna be like you need to get confidence first in order to play consistently, in order to get rid of the fear. Like you could start to really just change your perspective and mindset right now, where it's gonna just build you 1% every single day. And maybe that's putting less pressure on yourself, right? Like maybe tomorrow you go out and you start putting less pressure on yourself, and then all of a sudden, over time in a week, you start playing in less fear. And then that, because you played in less fear, it's making you play more consistently. And because you're playing more consistently, you're getting and gaining all of this confidence. But overall, just to summarize, it's just like you are gonna feel 50-50 emotions. They're gonna be 50 negative, 50 positive, and it's exactly what you're gonna do to what are you gonna decide to feel? And what are you going to do? Are you gonna learn from your mistakes? Are you gonna learn from the emotions that you're having? Are you actually gonna deal with the emotions that you're having? Are you going to get better at analyzing your mind and how you work? And it's really like the the biggest advice I think that I could give people is ask yourself questions. Ask yourself. And of course, like I when we do one-on-one coaching, I ask so many freaking questions to you guys. And I actually on my website, I have a PDF that's called Stop Playing Careful, and it has questions on there for you guys to answer. And it could literally be as simple as the questions that I asked today, or it could be as simple as like, do you like to play in fear? And then that question could set you up to be like, no. And then it could be like, well, why? Every question that you ask yourself, just be like, why to your answer? Like, well, why don't you like to play in fear? Well, because I don't like to feel bad. And like, well, why do you feel bad when you play in fear? And it's like, well, I feel bad because when I make a mistake, I don't like to sit on the bench. Why don't you like to sit on the and then you just get to the core problem? And the core problem is always that you just don't like to feel negative things. So if we could do that, if we could get over our ego, and if we could take the time to just really work on our mind, and it really doesn't take that much time, in my opinion, to ask yourself little questions. It's kind of just like warming up for a practice, like or or or not even that, stretching after a practice. Like that's a priority. Make this a priority in your life. And I think that just within a week, you do this and you really are intentional with everything and you're feeling emotions, you're dealing with them, you're gonna see some sort of change. And I really hope that that is the situation for you guys and that works out for you guys. I mean, I literally get on a call one time, two times with my clients, and they're like, oh my God, I've already se progress. I'm like, Yeah, see, you guys have the skills, you just are having mental blockage. But if this is something that you guys really want to talk about and you really want to get into, of course, like I've been saying this whole entire podcast, I offer one-on-one coaching. My link is in the description. If you guys have any questions, please contact me. All of my information is in the description. And I really hope that you guys enjoyed this podcast. I hope that this made you realize something and just having the awareness is so good. Thank you so much for joining me. And obviously, like I always say, thank yourself. Like literally, like I said at the beginning, pause this freaking podcast is about to be over. But make sure that you're thanking yourself for everything that you do for yourself. The fact that you're even listening to a podcast is seriously promising you should be proud of yourself and give yourself crazy. Like I say, put less pressure on yourself. You're going to, I promise you, it's not gonna make you stop working hard any less. It's just gonna clear up all of those negative thoughts that you're thinking and lead me towards the gotta do that. So, anyways, I'm just yapping now at the end and making sure that you guys are appreciating yourself. But thank you so much for listening. I love you guys. Please let me know if you have any questions. Bye.