Let's Play Without Validation

What if the reason you're losing confidence has nothing to do with your performance?

In this episode, Coach Jojo dives into how the need for validation quietly takes control of so many athletes' confidence. Whether you're looking at your coach after every mistake, worrying about what the crowd is thinking, or hoping your parents approve of how you played, relying on other people's opinions can keep you stuck and prevent you from competing freely.

Coach Jojo challenges athletes to reflect on who they're becoming during competition by asking thought-provoking questions that uncover the patterns behind their thoughts, emotions, and actions. Instead of letting outside opinions determine your confidence, you'll learn how to take ownership of your emotions, stop chasing approval, and build confidence from within.

This episode also explores what it means to be a selfless teammate, how to respond after mistakes without seeking reassurance, and why understanding your own mind is one of the most powerful skills you can develop as an athlete.

If you've ever caught yourself looking at your coach after a mistake, worrying about disappointing your parents, or letting other people's opinions control how you feel about yourself, this episode will help you break free from validation and start playing with more confidence, freedom, and authenticity.

Let's play without validation!

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Transcript

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SPEAKER_01 0:01

The moment that you need somebody else to tell you whether or not you're playing well or you're playing okay is the moment you've handed them control of your own confidence. And it doesn't have to be you directly asking them questions like, Am I playing well? Is this good enough for you? But it could also be things like when you make a mistake, are you looking at your coach of whether or not they're mad? And are you thinking about what your teammates are thinking of you? Are you thinking about what the crowd is thinking of you or if your parents are disappointed in you or not? Does your confidence depend on compliments? Do you only build up your worth if you get complimented on a game or a match or a race or whatever it is in your sport? And do you also always compare your stats to other people? Are you trying to validate yourself and thinking you're a good player if you have better stats than your teammate or the opponent? Do other people's opinions determine whether or not you find yourself to be a good player and you find yourself to have confidence? What's up, you guys? My name is Coach Jojo Awrid. I am a mindset coach for athletes and I help you build confidence, consistency, and trust in your sport. I also help you keep that confidence and I help you be consistent every single game and match and race or whatever it is in your sport. And I make you trust yourself even through hard times, even when you feel negative, because we are going to feel negative in our sport, and I help you get through that. In today's video, we're going to be talking about how to play without validation. Validation is something that athletes crave. It is something that we want, it is something that makes us feel valuable. And it 100% is valid. It 100% makes sense that you do that. When we played a sport when we were very young, we would get praised for, you know, getting MVP or even just trying out for a team, um, even making just making a basket, making a goal, whatever it is in your sport, doing little things we got praised for. And over time, we start to love it, we start to crave it. We start to, of course, we want compliments. Every human being wants compliments. It makes us feel good, it makes us feel valued, it makes us feel liked. We want to be liked in life. And sports give us that. When you're working really hard in something and you get a good result out of it, people respect you. And when people respect you, they like you. And so it all just goes hand in hand. I think that wanting validation in life is one issue, and then wanting it in um when you're being an athlete is another issue, but they go hand in hand. We grow up thinking, if athletes, right, not just everybody, athletes grow up thinking, if people approve of me, if the people in the crowd approve of me and my coaches approve me and my teammates approve of me, then I'm valuable. I asked a lot of questions at the beginning of this video. And if you're still here, you're probably somebody where I asked that question and it resonated with you, and you're like, okay, I need to fix that. Like that is something she, you know, she cut she commented about that, she made a question about it, and like, is she here to solve it? And I am here to solve that. I'm here to solve when you make a mistake and you're thinking about what your coach is thinking of you, or you're thinking about what the crowd is thinking of you, whether or not your parents are disappointed in you, whether or not like you're thinking so far in the future, you're thinking about if your parents are gonna yell at you after the game, or if your coach is not gonna play you next game. Like, all of these thoughts start going through your head because you don't feel worthy enough. You feel like if you make one mistake, you don't have enough value in order to keep playing the game that you need to, and also the game that you should play like yourself. Like you should, I said that really weirdly. You should play the game that you want to with the abilities that you have, and you should be able to play like yourself. And the moment that you think other people are judging you in a bad way, then that's the moment that you're gonna not feel confident and you're not gonna trust yourself because you're you're seeking validation of the opinions of others, and that's not good. You should always what I want you guys to get to is being okay with the opinion of yourself, to understand yourself and understand your game and your competition enough that you don't need validation from other people. I remember when I lacked so much freaking confidence. If I made one mistake, I was like, yeah, I deserve to be on the bench right now. I deserve to get pulled. That's what I would say because that's what I felt was worthy of me, because that's what other people thought of me, or that's what I thought other people thought of me. When I gained my confidence back and I made a mistake, I was like, I literally had so much confidence and so much trust in myself that I can make a mistake. And I knew that like I validated my mistake and I was like, yeah, I'm gonna make mistakes. I'm a human being, and I'm gonna make up for it. Like I'm gonna keep being the player that I'm gonna be. And I know that everybody else in the crowd trusts me. They know that I'm human. I literally got to a point where I was so I validated myself so much that it made my perception of other people be thought in a positive way. When you trust yourself, you trust other people. It's the same thing with if you love yourself, you could love other people. Whenever you fix this issue right here in this mind, right here, and in this body, when you fix this and you give yourself so much love and so much care and so much validation and trust, you could give it off to other people and you could believe the best in other people. Now, don't you notice that whenever you're messing up and you're thinking about how embarrassing that was, isn't it fucking exhausting? Isn't it so freaking tiring to just like it's mentally exhausting? Like you wonder why you're so mentally exhausted all of the time. And it's because you're you're always your your mind's always on, you're always overthinking everything, you're always putting pressure on yourself about the opinions of others. Like you're always thinking about what other people are thinking of you, and that's so fucking tiring. It's just a constant state of anxiety, it's a constant state of needing to be good enough instead of just finding that inner worth and to finding, and if you find inner worth, you're gonna find inner peace. So now I've talked a little bit about what validation is and why you do it and why all of these factors are so damaging to you. But how do you solve it? How do you fix it? How do you get out of this mindset where you feel secure in yourself? I need to be quoted on this because at this point it's my quote now, and I know other people say it. I know for a fact other people say it, but I say it so much, I'm like, I adopted it, so it's it's my saying now. You cannot control what other people do, think, or say, or react. You can only control how you think, say, speak, talk, react, and feel. Of course, the one time where I'm like, this is my quote, and then I mess up all the wording to it. We need to understand this concept so much more because we think that by overthinking everything, we're in some sort of control. But the problem with that is that you literally cannot control what other people are going to think. You could actually literally do something good in a game or a match in front of people, and they could still be like, oh, that was still a bad play. Like, there are some crazy people out here, okay? And you can't just trust everything that people think about. Like you can't believe what they think. Like you have to believe what you think is good and what you think is worthy and what makes you happy. That's the beliefs that we have to go off of, or that's how we have to build our beliefs is doing what makes us happy. And that's just understanding your mind. And that might take a while to get to know yourself and to understand what you like to do, what makes you happy. But over time, that's what's gonna make us feel secure and confident. What makes me fucking happy? But here's the thing: what I'm saying about how you can't control other people, and I don't know if you're like resisting what I'm saying, like, oh yeah, I could control other people. You cannot. So let's say, for example, that you do make a mistake and you so badly want to control what your coach is thinking. So maybe in the next play, you know, you try to make up for the last mistake and you try to be the best player out there so that you don't get benched. But the thing is, is that you are one, making things worse because now you're overcompensating for the play that you're trying to make and you're not being yourself and you're overthinking. You're playing scared now because you don't want to mess up. So you're just you're a completely different player right now when you do that. Two, you could not stop your coach from thinking what he's going to think. He could be fucking crazy. And this is why coaches are so like they could be so detrimental and damaging to us because they could they could be in the wrong so much. Like they are human too. They make mistakes too. And you have to be okay that they're gonna make a mistake. Maybe you you do deserve to be playing and you do deserve to be out there. You are better than somebody else on your team, but they don't see that. And that's their issue. And you can't control that. Like you just you cannot control what they think and the reactions that they have and the the actions that they do. You have to control your own emotions and how you're going to react, and you have to control that because that's literally the only thing that we could control. When we could master this, when we can master knowing that we have to control our own emotions, it's going to put us at ease and it's actually going to get rid of all of the anxiety thoughts and all of the stressful thoughts in our head. Because now let's say that I do make a mistake and I'm like, okay, coach is gonna do what he's gonna do. I have to keep doing me. I have to believe that I know I'm a good player and that I don't need validation from anybody else and that I'm gonna stay in here and I'm gonna stay with me. I have to trust myself enough to know that I'm going to be okay when I do mess up and that I'm going to be okay if coach does pull me. I have to react well. Who is the person that you want to be? When you make a mistake, do you want to drop your head and coach takes you out and you drop your head and you sulk and you don't give your teammates high fives? Do you do you want to be perceived like that? Like, absolutely not. You do not want to have bad body language. You don't want to be selfish and not be a good teammate. You don't want to be selfish in general, right? You don't want to make the energy of the whole entire gym on the field, on the track. You don't want that energy to be going down because of you. It is so hard to react well when something bad happens to us and to be mature and to step up and to get taken out of the game because you made a mistake and to be like, you know what? I'm gonna control my emotions. I'm gonna still be happy. I don't want that to happen. I don't want to come out. I think the decision that my coach made is fucking stupid. But I'm going to make sure that I'm happy and that I'm calm and that I don't start thinking all these thoughts. Because if I start thinking in such an anxious way and I start to overthink and I start to put all this pressure on myself, I'm going to be fucking miserable. I'm going to start overthinking everything I am as a player. And that's how you lose your confidence. You lose your confidence over time by allowing all of these messy thoughts to get messy, to get really negative. But if you're able, if you're able, it's going to be hard.

SPEAKER_00 11:05

I'm not going to sit here and be like, it's so easy to just like get taken out of a game by a coach and to be positive and whatever.

SPEAKER_01 11:13

It's going to be fucking hard. Like, you're not going to want to do it. And that's what I had to do all the time. I was the person who strives to be a leader. And I always, I am a person who's very selfless. And I want to make sure that other people feel good. And I never want them to feel bad because of me. The coach is already making people feel bad. The crowd is already making people feel bad. You know what I mean? Like, don't be the extra weight that people have to think about and people have to like make sure. Don't be the person where people have to make sure that you're okay. Because that person sucks. I'm sorry, but like that person just sucks. When you're sulking all the time and you're being negative and you just want attention, you don't want to be friends with that person. You don't want to interact with that person. It's exhausting to interact with those types of people. And not only that, if you are that type of person, do you realize how exhausting it is to be that person? Like it sucks. You're living, you're living in a world of just like being miserable. And it just, it's, it shows too. And it really affects the energy of everything. It affects the energy of yourself. It affects the energy of other people. And when you affect the energy of other people, it affects right back on you. It's a whole cycle and it works in a cycle. But let's say that you do, you come off and you go to the bench and you just you're like, all right, let's go. Then you have like great body language, you're gonna notice that you're not gonna spiral. And if you don't spiral, if you're going and you're high-fiving people and you're being positive, you're still cheering. First off, I guarantee a coach is going to notice that and they're going to put you back in the game or the match. And I don't know. There's circumstances to coaches, right? I've had every single and every coach out there, but I know that good things happen when you're being a good person and you're actually genuinely being a good person. You're not gonna get good results if you're fake being a good person. And to be honest, maybe sometimes and for a while, you're gonna have to pretend having good body language when you don't want to. But over time, if you keep doing those things and letting yourself know that you could be in control of your own emotions and you're gonna feel good no matter what, it's just going to ripple back on you in a good way. Now that kind of got that kind of got off the topic of playing without validation, but at the same time, it doesn't because I'm talking about taking control of yourself and taking control of your actions and just like telling you how to make sure that you feel confident in yourself. And the only way that you're gonna feel confident in yourself is to sometimes fake it till you make it and to make sure that you control your emotions to the point where you don't spiral. You cannot, you cannot. It is not acceptable for you to have other people control you. That is pathetic, and I don't mean pathetic in it's such a bad and tough love way. I just am saying that like do not be, do not be living here for somebody else. You are not on this earth, you are not the athlete that you are to live for somebody else. Can you become somebody that knows you gave your everything, your all, and you could still be okay when you don't get complimented? Can you still be okay if nobody says, good job, you're working really hard and if nobody notices you? Can you still become such a secure and confident person and the player that you want to be without all of the glory? That's the question we have to ask ourselves. And I think that that's being an athlete. I think that you can't just play in a game and expect to play really well. You have to work outside of the media, you have to work outside of the crowd, you have to put in the work when nobody's looking. You physically do all the work in your sport, but it's also a mental thing. You have to be able to practice your mental side when nobody's looking. Are you like for me? Like I did visualizations and nobody knew I was doing visualizations and it's for yourself. Never do something for somebody else. You know, I'm writing in my journal every night for me. It's not to show everybody, oh, I've been journaling and I I've been working so hard at all this, and you know, I get a bunch of shots up in the gym. Like it's it's it should be for you, and you're losing the plot if you're doing it for somebody else and you're just doing it to show, oh, I went to the gym today and one of my pet peeves, and I'm sorry if you do this, I'm pretty sure 90% of the population does this, but like my pet peeve is when somebody in a sport goes to the gym and you know, they don't normally go to the gym and then they post on their Snapchat story or their Instagram story, you know, that they're at the gym and stuff, and it's like, yeah, I go to the gym too. Like we all go to the gym and we all get our work in, and but I just don't show it. And I think that maybe I got mad too because I was like, I am not getting praised for what I do too. You know, like these people that post about it, they want to get praise. They want to get complimented. And I get that that's that's the whole point of that. So I think that's the reason why I got mad is that like I want to be complimented. I want to be praised, I want validation. And, you know, that just goes to show of me understanding myself more. I mean, it's obviously it's not a problem for me now because I'm not an athlete anymore, but I just learned right now that, you know, that's how I used to feel when I was an athlete. And it's because I was so internal and I was so, you know, thinking about what other people think. I never really am the type of person that's gonna go out of my way to get attention for myself. But the thing is, is that I do like attention, but I'm not gonna be that person that begs for it or the person that, you know, is and I'm a pretty loud person to be honest, but I'm not gonna ever like be the coach's pet, and I'm never gonna be the teacher's pet. Like, I didn't want to be that type of person. And I think that's something that I used to struggle with was like, I feel like I'm working harder than somebody else that gets praised. And it was always me comparing myself to other people, and it it sucks when you don't get recognition, it really fucking sucks. And I've been there, and that was the thing I think I hated most in my sport was just not getting recognized recognition recognition. Recognition. You know, when you start to say a word over and over again, you can't say it anymore. Anonyms for recognition. I still can't say it. Acknowledgement. When I wouldn't get the acknowledgement that I thought I needed and thought that I deserved, I would get fucking pissed and I get so mad and I would feel like I wasn't worthy enough. So my question to myself would be can I get to the point where I don't need to be acknowledged for my hard work and be okay and know for myself that I'm working my ass off. Can I be okay with that? And I think that I want, I want to answer yes.

SPEAKER_00 17:43

I want to be like, yes, I've gotten to that point because now I'm so confident and secure. I'm gonna work my ass off all the time now.

SPEAKER_01 17:49

I'm gonna get into that gym and I don't need anybody else to tell me that I'm doing good or that it's gonna be enough. Like I am the one, and that's the way that I'm going to get better. I'm the one going into the gym every single day and I'm working my ass off, don't need anybody, and I'm getting better. I feel so secure to go every day and show up for myself. When you could do it for yourself and you make yourself happy, that's how you're gonna be happy in life. All right, so now I'm gonna give you guys three tools to use. Tool number one is that let's say that you are in practice and you say, if nobody was at this practice, how would I show up for myself? How do I want to show up for myself? And this is kind of like I've been asking these questions to you guys this whole entire video, and that's kind of tool one. It's just like asking yourself, what is my worth? Do I feel worthy enough to work hard for myself and to get better for myself so that I could have good results? And also, again, you guys, I said this at the beginning of the video. I don't want you to think that you get complimented and you can't feel any sort of way. 100%, you should feel good when a compliment is given to you because you've worked for that compliment. That's great. But I don't want you to just only do things to work for compliments. I also want you to learn about yourself through the hard times and through adversity. And when you fail, when we fail is our greatest learning tool and our learning lesson, is is that's how we could grow is by failing. So I think it's okay that you're not always getting complimented. But are you okay with that? Ask yourself that question. Are you growing every day, just doing what you need to do and not thinking about anybody else in their opinion? Tool number two is going to be a question, but it's going to be for after practice and it's going to be how did I compete? Did I compete hard enough for myself? And it's that is just getting to know yourself. And that's just getting to understand yourself. Asking yourself questions is so important. I say this all the time. Um, so if you could just after practice do a little evaluation and be like, did I push myself hard enough for me? Do I feel good when what I did? Do I feel worthy enough because I worked hard? I know for a fact that whenever I would work hard in practice and I felt like I got better, I felt like I had more confidence because I trusted myself, because I tried new things. I did make mistakes in practice, but I was working hard. I was going 100%. And now I could have a bigger capacity for the abilities that I could do. And then for tool number three, whenever you are catching yourself looking for approval, so this could be things like Is coach noticing me? Is the crowd noticing me? Are my teammates noticing me? Or things like that. Like any sort of time where you're like, okay, wait, am I thinking about getting validated by other people? And like, am I thinking from an outside perspective instead of my own? I want you to notice it. Noticing it is honestly the hardest thing, but no, that's not the hardest thing. But it is something that we miss. We don't know that we do these certain things. And so now, once you notice it, then I want you to pause. Notice it, know it's happening, accept that it's happening. It's okay. You're, you know, you can't take it back now. You already were thinking that way. Now we're just gonna practice by bringing our attention back and being present and competing and making sure that you're just fucking competing. The athlete that needs the least amount of validation will perform the most free. Stop trying to convince everybody that you're good enough. Start trying to prove that you could trust yourself. That's all that really matters when you're playing a sport, and that's all that matters when you're building your confidence. But that's all that I have for you guys today. Thank you so much for listening. Thank yourselves for listening. I'm so proud of you for sitting here. Hopefully, you guys sat through this whole entire video. Um, and I hope that these tools helped you in some sort of way. I hope that any part of this video helps you in some sort of way. Don't forget to go check out my website. I have so many free offerings, and I also have some courses coming out, and I am working really hard on them. They're going to be so good and they're going to include so much of what you guys want because I know you guys want these things. I read what you guys say to me. I listen to my athletes that I do one on one coaching with what you guys want. So stay tuned for that. Other than that, um, that's all that I have to say, and I cannot wait to see you guys in my next video. Bye.