The Prison of Unforgiveness: How to Break Free

Some wounds don’t fade with time. They stay loud in the quiet moments, showing up as resentment, distance, and that constant need to protect yourself. I’m Troy, and I’m walking through a question that sits underneath so many faith stories: how do I forgive something that deep when the hurt was real and the scars are still there?

I get specific about what Christian forgiveness is and what it is not. Forgiveness is not pretending the emotional affair never happened. It’s not ignoring control, selfishness, or years of poor communication. It’s telling the truth, bringing the damage into the light, and letting God meet you there with grace. We talk about why holding on to pain can feel like self-defense but can turn into a prison, and why Jesus frames forgiveness as freedom. I also read and apply key Scriptures like 1 John 1:9, Colossians 3:13, and Matthew 6:14-15 to ground this in the real Christian life.

Then I share 10 practical steps that helped me move forward: honest self-exam, receiving God’s forgiveness, forgiving myself, forgiving the other person, praying daily, stopping scorekeeping, getting counseling, staying rooted in God’s Word, building church community, and giving trust time to rebuild. Forgiveness can be immediate, but trust is rebuilt slowly, and healing often happens in layers.

If you’re searching for how to forgive a spouse, a parent, a friend, or anyone who betrayed your trust, press play and take one step today. Subscribe, share this with someone who needs hope, and leave a review so more people can find it. What relationship do you need God’s grace for right now?

Music by AlexGrohl from Pixabay

Transcript

Welcome To Kingdom Chaos

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Welcome to Kingdom Chaos, a podcast for anyone trying to live a purpose and faith-filled life in a loud and messy world. Jesus said his kingdom in another story, yet here we are navigating real life and real struggles. I'm not a guru, just someone learning that God's grace meets us even in the chaos. This is Kingdom Chaos where faith meets real life and purpose is still found in the mess. Hey, welcome back to Kingdom Chaos. My name is Troy. After sharing our testimony over the last couple of episodes, one of the biggest questions sitting just underneath the surface of all this is how do I forgive something that deep? How do I forgive years of hurt, of silence, resentment, broken trust, selfishness, words that cut deep, or just that feeling of being completely alone in a relationship that should be safe? Maybe it's not a marriage for you. Maybe it's a parent or a friend, someone that betrayed your trust. Maybe it's a business partner. Maybe it's somebody that walked away when you needed them the most. Or maybe it's something that happened years ago and is still fresh today. You know, in church, forgiveness sounds beautiful. It really does. We hear words like grace and mercy and letting go, and they're so inspirational. But life is real. Forgiveness is hard because forgiveness doesn't just deal with words, but it deals with wounds, real wounds, the kind that leaves scars. When someone hurts you deeply, something inside of you wants justice, answers, and wants to hold on to the pain so it never happens again and it keeps people at a distance. But what I eventually learned is this holding on to pain doesn't protect us, it traps us, it puts us in a prison we built for ourselves. The reason forgiveness matters so much in the Christian life is because Jesus never treated forgiveness as optional, he treated it as freedom. So today I want to talk honestly about forgiveness. What it is, what it isn't, why it's so hard, and most importantly, how God gives us the power to do something that most of the time feels impossible on our own. Because forgiveness doesn't erase the past, but it can absolutely change the future. While discussing what forgiveness is and isn't, I'm gonna give you 10 practical steps that help me forgive. Forgiveness, it's spiritual, but it's also incredibly practical. So here are 10 things that help me forgive. First, you gotta be honest. Be honest with your wounds. Healing starts when we stop pretending we're fine. Forgiveness didn't begin with pretending everything was okay, it began with the truth. Forgiveness does not pretend that in my life the emotional affair didn't happen, that control and selfishness didn't or weren't there or weren't an issue or pride wasn't a factor. It's just the opposite. When our marriage began to fall apart, I had to face some things inside of myself that were incredibly hard to admit. I felt blindsided by what was happening, but honestly, it wasn't Amy not communicating, it was me shutting her down time after time. I had to process the pain of the betrayal from the emotional affair. But I also had to face things that were even harder than that. I had to confront the truth about selfishness, my control issues, poor communication, my emotional neglect toward my family, and honestly, the big one for me pride that I was some perfect person, and if Amy would do this or that, our marriage would be better or our lives would be better. Instead of leading at our home like a servant, I led like a dictator and realizing how much damage that I had caused and brought guilt and regret and pain into our marriage because when I finally saw clearly, I could see how deeply our marriage had been wounded and how much I had contributed to it. I had spent years minimizing what was really happening. The second thing, ask God for forgiveness. You cannot give what you have not received. God is giving you forgiveness, but you need to ask for forgiveness and totally receive that. I realized something. I could not give forgiveness if I didn't first receive forgiveness. And my forgiveness first came from God. In 1 John 1 9, it says, if we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. When I came before him and asked for forgiveness, he gave it freely and generously and completely. And when I truly understood that God had forgiven me, it allowed me to begin to forgive myself. And that's number three. If God forgives you, you are allowed to forgive yourself. You are not God, he is higher than you are. And if he can forgive you, you can forgive you. I was able to finally forgive myself for the damage I had caused, the pain I had created, the mistakes that I had made, the sins that I had committed, because I was able to forgive myself, I was able to apply number four, and that's forgive others. None of us are perfect. Only Jesus walked this earth without sin. Colossians 3 13 says, bear with each other and forgive one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. Bear one another. That means tolerate each other. We know that we're gonna hurt each other and there's gonna be offenses toward each other. We need to be able to forgive one another. I was finally able to forgive Amy for the part she played. But when I did that, trust had not been restored just because forgiveness entered, but it did give room for the wounds to heal and the process of trust to begin to be restored. If you're having trouble, try beginning with a simple prayer. Try something like this. God, I I don't have the strength to forgive this on my own. Give me your grace to do what I cannot do myself. Jesus says something incredibly direct in Matthew 6 14. For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly father will also forgive you. So if you forgive others, your heavenly father will forgive you. But if we read the next verse, in verse 15, it says, But if you do not forgive others their sins, your father will not forgive you of yours. Forgive other people, you will receive forgiveness from your heaven heavenly father. Pray for that person daily. At first it might feel forced, but over time it becomes genuine. The first time you pray, you might not even be able to get words out, but do this as a practice daily, and you will see your heart transformed. You will see your prayers transformed, you will see them become genuine prayers. You are praying for your heart in the relationship, you are praying for things that you might have caused in the relationship for it to go poorly. You are praying for the other person's heart. You are not praying for others for them to be immoral or continue to sin or continue to have these offenses against you. You are praying for your relationship with that person and for your heart. Next is number six. Stop keeping score. Forgiveness and scorekeeping cannot live in the same heart. This is not a competition. It is being obedient to Jesus. We're talking about forgiveness, not what is this person doing, what is that person doing? Am I keeping up? Am I not? This is all about obeying Christ. Seven, use counseling if needed. God often brings healing through wise voices. Amy and I went to counseling. It helped tremendously. It helped us figure out why we were disconnected, it helped us communicate, open up, be transparent so we were able to forgive each other. Number eight, stay rooted in God's word. Truth reshapes how you see your pain. This became a daily practice for me that changed my heart and reshaped me as a person and continues to do so today. And as I read his word, he changes me on the inside so that that can be reflected on the outside. God is changing me inside first, so my actions are seen on the outside differently than I was before. Nine, build a church community. Healing rarely happens well in isolation. Don't isolate yourselves. I have a Bible study group and mentors and pastors I can be open with without judgment and be honest and transparent. And Amy has become one of those people. I can be open and honest and transparent in every area of my life. But that trust had to be rebuilt over time, over years, and that's number 10. Give trust time to rebuild. Forgiveness can be immediate, but trust is rebuilt slowly. It took time and effort, openness in every area, but over time, trust on both sides were rebuilt. Forgiveness did not mean pretending that trust was instantly restored. And it definitely did not mean healing was instant. Forgiveness didn't erase the wounds, it stopped the wounds from becoming my identity. It stopped the wounds for growing, and it gave an opportunity for those wounds to start to heal. Forgiveness for me was not a single moment. Forgiveness happened over layers, and there were things that I had to bring before God first for healing. Then I had to forgive myself, and then I was able to forgive others like Amy. Jesus says in Matthew 6 12, forgive us our debts as we also have forgiven our debtors. This means you're praying to God in the Lord's Prayer, forgive me, God, as I forgive others. So if you want God to forgive you in that way, you better forgive other people in that way. The truth is this, we are all imperfect people. And in every relationship, there will be moments where we hurt each other. And I bet most of the time they're unintentional hurts that we don't even know we're doing. In those moments, we have a choice. We can hold on to those hurts and allow bitterness and resentment to be stored up in our hearts and make them hard. Or we can bring it to God and ask Him for grace to forgive. Because the greatest relationships are not built on perfection, they are built on forgiveness. Lord, I ask you today, please help us forgive. We need your grace and mercy. We need your love. We need to be able to see people the way you do. I pray for everyone listening to this podcast that they allow you to transform themselves on the inside, that their hearts become softened to other people, that they are able to bear other people and be able to forgive other people as you forgive us, Lord. You forgave us first. You died for us on the cross, Jesus. I pray that people are listening that are able to realize that they are forgiven by you and that they can forgive others with your grace, power, and mercy, Lord. I pray for help for all of us, myself included, to continue to grow in this, continue to realize forgiveness is an essential part of my spiritual growth. It's an essential part of what you ask me to do in obedience, to forgive other people, Lord. Help me in this way. Help us all. We love you. In Jesus' name we pray.