BONUS: How to overcome perfectionism

In this bonus episode of Shift Happens, we share practical advice for anyone struggling with perfectionism and the pressure to get everything “right.” We explore how to reframe failure as feedback, shift your definition of success, and embrace a “good enough” mindset that supports progress over perfection.

We also discuss setting realistic expectations, focusing on systems rather than outcomes, and recognising when perfectionism is holding you back. This episode offers simple, actionable strategies to help you move forward with more clarity, flexibility, and self-compassion.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:06

Okay, so as a self-confessed someone with perfectionistic trend tendencies, what kind of advice would you give for someone who knows maybe this about them?

SPEAKER_00 0:22

Yeah, who can identify with their things? Who can identify their like things?

SPEAKER_01 0:25

Oh, I've been wanting to do this business and I the decks.

SPEAKER_00 0:28

Or I see how it it crops up in depending on what I do. I would say, well, I think first of all, you have to start reframing failure or understanding why failure quote, like why that fear is so big that it stops you from doing something. And I think that can be so different for many people. You know, it can be because you were told you were crap when you were younger, you could, you know, you weren't good at something, could be because you're embarrassed, because you what judgment, people or anything that could just be like how you are. Yeah. Well, well, no, I mean, yeah, uh most people, if they're fearing failure, it's more of like an external thing. Right? That they fear some external judgment.

SPEAKER_01 1:19

Yeah. I mean, I don't, I guess it doesn't not that it doesn't matter, but the reason why you have the exact you have to kind of so I think you have to reframe failure and and and figure out that failure is actually not a bad thing, it's a great thing, really.

SPEAKER_00 1:35

It's just again, you know, a stepping stone to the next thing rather than actually like, oh my gosh, I'm crap at something, I'm terrible. You know, it's kind of thing where if a child is not able to put um you know a lid on something, say, something really simple, you're not gonna say to them you're failure, you're just gonna say, try again. Yeah, try again, try again. So it's having that same mindset to whatever you're doing is thinking it's not failure, it's just it's just a challenge, or it's a redirection, or it's so definitely reframing the whole narrative around failure, I think, is really, really important.

SPEAKER_01 2:12

So do you think also reframing the whole narrative around success?

SPEAKER_00 2:15

Yes, exactly.

SPEAKER_01 2:16

So as in like your definition of success, it's not achieving the thing necessarily, it's launching it.

SPEAKER_00 2:22

Yeah, or and and it's not linear, like it will be like they always say important, you know. So yeah, maybe it is, but it will be in a different time frame, it will be via different route with different tools, using you know, different whatever, anything, it's it will inevitably different to what you had in mind. So the failure part is exactly the same thing, is yeah, just don't make it a negative outcome, make it just another outcome.

SPEAKER_01 2:54

So almost take the sting out of it.

SPEAKER_00 2:55

Like it is whether it succeeds or doesn't, it's just and I think exactly, exactly similar to how you would teach your child, you're never gonna say, like, or hopefully you're never gonna say if they can't do something like okay, you failed, you're not capable. Yeah, you'd always encourage them to do differently again, try, be inventive, yeah, use different routes. So kind of using that, and and you're not, you know, we're we're kind of I think as adults, we're really tough on ourselves, yeah. And therefore, even the word failure, it should just be like it's just a try again. Yeah. It's just I guess it's try differently.

SPEAKER_01 3:37

Yeah, it's just taking the negativity out of failure, right? If it was just, well, it was an experience.

SPEAKER_00 3:42

Yeah, yeah. Just taught me something. Neither positive nor negative, it's just an experience. It is what it is. Um, so I definitely would say that is a very like helpful. Change the narrative, yeah, around failure. Yeah, because then it removes the fear. Then you're saying, okay, I'm not scared. Because if it doesn't work how I thought it would, it will do something else. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 4:07

Which might be even better.

SPEAKER_00 4:08

Which will probably be even better. And then I'd say, and this is one I use in loads of aspects, is just this is it good enough. Yeah. Like I go to the gym, good enough. The fact that you've just been if you've just walked in the water, it's good enough. It's not perfect, it's good enough. Or, you know, I um, you know, my business plan, my posts have done this amount of interaction and we're back to the LinkedIn. Yeah, it's good enough. Exactly. Like the impressions, good enough. No, but like, you know, taking it to really like basic level, like just stop having this. Um, it will only be good if I have you know 10,000 impressions. Yeah, just say, okay, whatever, I've put it out there in the world, and then that's good enough. And same, you know, for me classically with the exams. I was like, if I get 60% and therefore a two-one, good enough. Like that was what and genuine, I was happy with that, you know. Yeah, and and I probably, if I had pushed myself and sacrificed other things, maybe I could have got 70%. Probably, yeah. Yeah. But that wasn't necessary for me.

SPEAKER_01 5:21

So I kind of um You were able to really relativise the objective of what you were looking for, and it fulfilled its purpose.

SPEAKER_00 5:27

And I certainly didn't want to sacrifice other things like going out and having fun and stuff, so therefore you're just like, okay, that's gonna work. And I so I definitely would say, and everyone has their good enough is different. Some people it's yes 60-40, sometimes it's 80-20. Uh, I have to do this loads like with having a kid and just managing like being a mum and thinking this is a good enough like situation, and I'm not actually, it's not an area in which I have perfectionist traits, yeah, but it's definitely areas where I'm like, yeah, I'm doing good enough, like that's fine. Yeah, um, and that's individual to each person.

SPEAKER_01 6:02

I that's actually a really interesting point. The fact that it can depending on the different thing and the person, that 80-20, 60-40, whatever, that can change because I do think we talk a lot about the 80-20, but you know, yeah, you're right. It might be 60-40 when it comes to the gym or whatever, or or to work or to your relationship.

SPEAKER_00 6:22

It but relationship is a perfect example, like no relationship is 100% perfect, no person is 100%, so therefore, no, you know, and certainly when you put two and two, then it's even less perfect, but you just have to, and everyone is gonna have different thresholds, yeah. Although I think, isn't it like negative negative and a negative is a positive.

SPEAKER_01 6:41

Well, that's a D plus, but if you multiply, then it's a bigger number. Yeah, okay, yeah. That's your fault take place.

SPEAKER_00 6:47

But yeah, so imagine that you are just gonna say if that person is like again, it's making it very simplified, but like if that person is 70% good enough for me, I can deal with the 30% of not good enough. And hopefully this is that Indian matchmaker.

SPEAKER_01 7:05

Oh my gosh, Simi. Simi, who's like, you can only have you know from your list, like you have to accept that it's gonna be 75%. Oh, I didn't remember that. What are the big loved her? She was so good, she was amazing. It's a bit that, yeah, you're right. And she was like, You have here's your long list. Now you have to accept that 25% you're just not gonna get. Yeah. And people found it really hard.

SPEAKER_00 7:26

Yeah, they're like, oh wait, oh, oh, yeah. But then in the other side, they can't give 100% either. So it's it's kind of accepting that if you can't give a hundred percent, the person in front of you is not gonna be able to give a hundred percent. So I suppose, but but again, this is not for you or not to dictate to like anyone. It's like you have to find what your good enough is. And then apply that and say that's that's so therefore I live by you know, yeah. That will help me live by my, you know, remove the stigma of the perfectionism and just go down the good enough route. Um so yeah, so that I would do that, the reframe then the reframe good enough. And then oh yeah, I suppose actually I would look at what it's getting in the way of.

SPEAKER_01 8:20

Oh, it's a deeper question.

SPEAKER_00 8:23

Yeah, like okay, if I want what is it stopping me from doing and what is it not supporting my dis like my my goal or my desires or my priorities? Because then you're looking at like the loss of making that your prior of of being a you know, having the perfectionist traits. Yeah. And so what is the cost? Yeah, sorry, the cost is putting it.

SPEAKER_01 8:49

You not achieving that thing, and maybe that will help you to get out of your own way.

SPEAKER_00 8:54

Yeah, yeah, I'd say that's a good, probably quite a good way of looking at it as well. Interesting. Not to say that that would resolve it, but at least it gives you awareness of like, oh god, because I'm that way, I haven't done this, I haven't done this, you know. I didn't give that guy a chance, I didn't start that business, I you know, so then it's like, okay, is that really, really what I want to keep doing going forwards?

SPEAKER_01 9:17

Yeah. I think that's really interesting from your kind of perfectionism perspective. I think when it comes to the way that I saw perfectionism from my point of view, of like trying to strive, I'd say one of the things would be uh trying like not setting unrealistic goals. Yeah. So being realistic about what it is you are able to achieve. Okay. And you know, a perfect um plan is not necessarily needed for you to achieve something, but a system that is sustainable, yeah, that you can stick to is much more likely gonna help you achieve that goal. Okay. So focus on the right thing when it comes to trying to achieve something. Perfectionism is not needed, but good pl systematic plan that you can do is. There is also a bit of a reality check. Because, yes, if you're gonna be less intense about something, it might just take a bit longer. But that's probably also a good thing or more healthy thing for that to happen, right? I think it's that classic thing too when you go on these weight loss apps and they say how much weight do you want to lose and in how much time? So people might put, you know, I don't know, eight kilos in four weeks. Yeah, who's losing eight kilos in four weeks? Like that is so unachievable. But they will put you on a calorie-restricted plan of like 1200 calories for for a month, and yeah, which is just not realistic. Yeah. And that's also not healthy. So I think also reframing a little bit about what it is you are trying to achieve, and just in the grand scheme of your life and how that looks, and what are the things you would sacrifice if you go at it too intensely, versus if you pan it out, you know, you can still achieve those things, but maybe it just takes longer, maybe it's less intense, maybe it's more structured around how you live. Yeah, and that's not necessarily gonna be the perfect way of doing it, but it will be one that works for you.

SPEAKER_00 11:27

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Definitely realism has to come to it. Well, also, especially if especially if we're talking about perfection, which is not realistic, then you have to inject realistically like perspective, but then that will change what your perception of how quickly this outcome is going to come.

SPEAKER_01 11:43

You have to readjust these things, and I think there's an injection of realism, like you said, that kind of has to happen.