Release the Need to Be Understood to Gain Emotional Stability & Peace

Do you ever feel exhausted from constantly explaining yourself? Maybe you’ve bent over backward trying to prove your feelings matter, how their actions are hurting you or to simply connect, only to feel unseen, unheard, or judged anyway. The endless fight to be understood can be a massive energy drainer, but the problem is, we keep doing it hoping and praying they'll eventually get it. 

But they don't.

The truth is, you don’t need everyone to “get you” in order to live fully and freely. You don't need someone to "understand" in order to set and maintain boundaries or to choose peace over toxicity. Protecting your peace means letting go of the desire to be understood and standing strong in knowing you're not crazy, your needs matter and it is your job to take good care of yourself.

In this talk, I dive deep into how releasing the need to be understood opens the door to freedom, sovereignty and personal power. This is your reminder: peace isn’t something you earn — it’s something you choose. 

For FREE Resources, 📖 Book Link, 📝 Quizzes, 👚 Self-Love Merch Shop, 🗣️ 1:1 Mentoring and more: https://www.linktr.ee/kristenbrownauthor

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Much Love,

KB 🦋

Transcript

Kristen 0:00

Hello, hello everyone. Welcome to Empower Hour with KB. My name is Kristen Brown, and I'm an author, motivational speaker, intuitive healer, and life coach who specializes in helping individuals reclaim their true worth and embrace their personal power, all to master their energetic vibration and manifest the life and relationships of their dreams. So welcome aboard everyone. Kick off your shoes, put up your weary feet if it is safe to do so. Make yourself at home, grab yourself a beverage, perhaps even grab yourself a pad of paper and pen so that you can take notes about the conversation that we are embarking on today. I'm excited to bring this conversation to you because I know there are at least a few of you out there who are living this experience right now, and it's not a fun place to be when we are fighting to be understood. So the question is: have you ever gone rounds and rounds and rounds with someone who is committed to not understanding you? Someone who is committed to not hearing you, someone who has walls up, someone who is so attached to ego or pride, or so disconnected from their heart that they can't hear you, and they can't understand you. And perhaps they just don't even want to. I'm all about protecting our peace. I am all about pulling all the energy that you have fractured out into the world and bringing it back to yourself. Thank you all for joining me so far. I'm seeing some claps come up on the screen. So I am going to assume that you already know what I'm talking about, that you have had this experience, and you know that it's not a fun place to be. Because likely you are a person who is committed to your relationships, you're committed to healing, you're committed to growth, you're wanting connection, you're wanting joy and peace and happiness in your life. And so you are interested in having high-quality conversations that can actually create solution or resolution or some type of agreement for how to move forward. And in doing so, it requires that we speak to somebody in a clear, calm way so that they can understand us. And there's sometimes that no matter how we approach the situation, that person is committed to not hearing you, to not understanding you. And so you say it again, and you say it in a different way. You might say it louder, you might try it through letter form, you might try it through text. No matter what you do, you can't seem to get the result that you want. Because that person is committed to not understanding you. So I have a few questions for you. How much of your energy is spent on explaining yourself to people who have no intention of understanding you? Operative words here is no intention. No matter what you say, they might be speaking over you. They might think that their voice matters more. They might get easily offended by things that you say, or they're seeing what you say through a filter, and they turn it around in some strange way that takes you by surprise, a little off guard, and it's a little sometimes crazy because it doesn't make sense. And often it's not even in alignment with what you were talking about. It's some strange thing that they pull out of the ethers and they throw on you, and you're like, oh, okay. Maybe they don't understand. So you try to say it a different way. And again, the same thing happens. When was the last time that you walked away from a conversation or a disagreement or an argument still feeling unseen? I've had both sides of this spectrum. I have had conversations with people, hard conversations, difficult conversations. I am no stranger to the difficulties of life. And initially, the person might have been activated and they talked over me a little bit, or they were getting defensive or something. But when I remained calm and I said, Can you just hear me out? That person got quiet and they listened. And clarity started to dawn on them. They started to see a different perspective. They started to see that there's more here than just their fear. There's more here than just their perspective. And we were able to move through it, of course, with me doing the same thing with them. And we were able to move through the thing, and bada bing, bada boom, it was over. And most often, not even had having to be revisited ever again. And then I've had the conversations that go nowhere. It's a brick wall. The person is guarded, they're egoic, they're fearful, they're prideful, they're stubborn. And the lens through which they have heard me, or I'm saying that in air quotes, because obviously they're not, was so distorted that there was no resolution. There was no moving forward. There was no dropping of it. The truth is there are some people out in the world who are truly committed to not understanding us for the reasons that I explained. Could be they're seeing us through a filter, it could be they quote unquote feel attacked, even if you're not attacking, even if you're delivering it as sweet as a hot fudge Sunday with a cherry on top, little extra fudge if you're Kristen Brown and take the cherry off. And they still don't get it. At some point, it's important to realize that this is their choice. Because we are all humans, we all have emotions, we all have the capacity for empathy, all of us. And if they're not tapping into that, that doesn't mean that you said it wrong. That doesn't mean that you just have to explain it a little bit more because it becomes a choice whether this person wants to tap in to you, your experience, your feelings, your thoughts, your fears, your emotions. With the example that I mentioned where having a conversation with somebody where initially they might have been defensive or, you know, talking over or doing things like that, and then once I approached it and said, Hey, you know, I'm just can you hear me out and then I'll hear you out? And the person got quiet, they actually made the most beautiful choice in their life at that moment. I love her. I value our relationship and I want to seek to understand. Because initially we can get that little initial punch, that initial defensiveness, that initial interruption. Just the way the brain is designed. But after that, it becomes a choice. And maybe you're not somebody who maybe you're the person who has not been committed to listening and trying to understand. And if that's you, doggone it, I applaud you and I ring my little golden bell for you for still being here. Because you're listening into something and you're thinking, Oh, that's me. I've done that. I'm proud of you. Because awareness is key to healing the fractures in our relationships. And taking responsibility for our part of the equation is how we heal. It is so beautiful to have that exchange with somebody who listens and to see the light go on. I've seen the light go on in people's eyes where it's that moment where they get it. And their entire disposition, voice, energy, whatever shifts. They think, oh, I didn't see it that way. And then I've had the polarity of no matter what I say, how I say it, upside down, forward, backwards, Chinese, Russian, Yugoslavian, whatever it is, they're not going to hear me. Because they are committed to their ego. They're committed to the stories they have told themselves. They are committed to their wounds and they're committed to their fears. They're also committed to their closed mind and their closed heart. This is why I brought up this conversation today, because when we're in the business of protecting our peace, truly protecting our peace, it's important to discern the difference between those who are willing to hear you and to understand you and to grow with you. Because you will waste and I will waste so much precious energy and so much precious time trying to speak to somebody who doesn't want to get it. It's a painful place to be if any of you are in this place. I have two people in the queue. I'm gonna go ahead and bring up Kathleen. I'm not sure if this was a purposeful join. I hope it was. Kathleen, come on up, share with me your thoughts today. I would love to hear from you. Hi there. I'm doing good. Good, good to hear, Kathleen. What did come to the stage today?

Kathleen 10:36

I was uh hearing what you were saying, protecting your peace. I protect my peace. I don't like no conflicts or or no negativity. So when I try to speak to my family members and they don't hear me out or my heart because they don't know my story and stuff. So that's why I I protect my peace throughout my life.

Kristen 11:14

You just brought up such a powerful point, and I believe there's people that are listening to this audience right now who just had it an epiphany or a validation so hard. And that is that you said, when people are committed to not hearing me and tapping into and understanding where I am at, where I, you know, my feelings, my thoughts, whatever it might be, you end up guarding your heart. Yes. That is something that happens. And then when when a person starts to guard, that changes the way that we're now communing with them, and then they can get upset because our heart is guarded. And it's like, well, wait, where did this whole dynamic start? Right, right.

Kathleen 11:56

Is real, I be sometimes my heart be sad that my family disowned me and not understand. I said, y'all gonna need me more than I do, and I'm gonna protect my peace because I don't know how y'all gonna reap when I think my mask. They want me to be hush hush all the time. I'm a grown woman like y'all, we talking as an adult, but since I'm in my mid-40s and stuff, I just stay away from them. If they got my number, if they want to talk, we could talk.

Kristen 12:48

I'm proud of you, Kathleen. Yeah, I really am because like you said, we're all adults here, and you're speaking truth, you're bringing light to situation, but they don't want to hear it. They don't want that truth, that light shone. So they shut you down, make you wrong, push you away, whatever it is that they do. I just gave a talk yesterday on this. I exact talk about shining your light and how people don't want to see. They don't want what our light, our truth, our observation illuminates that everybody's trying to keep hidden. And so we can become the quote unquote bad guy or the villain in the story when really we're the one that's looking for healing. Yes, I understand you completely, and I'm proud of you for protecting your peace.

Kathleen 13:39

Yes, I I protect my peace because I'm uh I'm a Christian and stuff, and could hear me out is God. Yep, and my husband and my husband, my daughter.

Kristen 13:58

They they have oh, Kathleen, you just timed out, and I do have three people in the queue, so I'm gonna keep moving through the queue. But I want to give you a big welcome. Thank you so much for coming up today and sharing your experience in this department. Um, you will be getting 300 vibes for your first time being on my stage, so keep it lookout for that. I send an email after my talks for people who are brand new. I give it, you know, send it to the management, and then they gift you 300 vibes for being brave enough to come up and speak on my stage. So thank you so much. I really appreciate that. It was such a beautiful share. All right, we have Robin, then we have Sarah, and then we have Pamela. So, in that order, I hope that you all can stay and share with me your thoughts on this topic. Thank you for being here.

Robin 14:47

So, my heart was incredibly broken the other night. I had gone over to uh my brother's and he helped me with something in the car, and my nephew was were there. And no, I don't go looking for trouble, I don't pick at anybody for anything about their lives. But first, and whenever I get around them, the same thing happened at Christmas, it's always me that they want to try to convince to subscribe to the certain beliefs. And I've all I have said before was guys, I I'm not trying to force you to believe anything that I believe. Could you please not, you know, just leave me, you know, leave essentially leave me alone. I don't but you need to respect me.

Kristen 15:39

Respect me.

Robin 15:41

You're wrong, and you not doing this, this, and this, you know, shows you're wrong, and you don't well, they feel that I don't have any respect for my youngest nephew. And I said, I guys, I you're asking me to change my belief system for your belief system, and I'm not making you change your belief system for mine. I understand that you have this. I don't, I don't want this, and it escalated so much into such hurtful things were said to me, and I I actually couldn't even believe it because I don't even I don't let my kid talk to me like that. Never mind my nephew that's the same age. I was like, you know what, we're done here. So I said, and on that note, I am leaving. I thanked my brother, even my brother started it on me, and I'm like, you know what? I'm I'm leaving. And my sister-in-law tried to, you know, don't leave. And I said, you know what, just don't ask me for anything. You know, I don't I won't ask you for anything. You don't have to ask me for anything. I will figure it out like I always do. I always do, and I hate to try to ask people for help because this is what I get sometimes. Well, the kids helped you. I said, Yeah, they helped me when I was gonna pay them. No, no, you didn't have to pay them. I said they weren't going to do it until I said, Well, I can pay you. It's just the way it is. But I my heart was literally broken. I cried all the way home. I cried myself to sleep that night, and all I could think of to myself was kept coming at me, what how would you like it if this was your scenario? You wouldn't do it, you would do exactly what we're doing. And I'm like, I don't know what I would do. I'm not in that scenario. I mean, we can't predict that. So you don't you can't say one thing or another, but am I supposed to abandon my truth and my especially when I'm starting to come into my own peace?

Kristen 17:35

Yes.

Robin 17:35

And I I looked at my sister-in-law, I said, I don't need this stress. I don't need this stress. My daughter completely understood, but she tried a little bit. And I said, Jillian, I don't need the stress. Do you want me back to go back in the hospital? No. Well, I don't need the stress. Maybe if you stuck up for me once in a while, how about that? I don't know what you do when I'm not there. I feel there's nobody sticking up for me because I'm just wrong. I'm just wrong. It doesn't mean that people can't have different opinions and different views. And I'm that person that sometimes you just have to agree to disagree. And that is that emotional intelligence, I think that you do talk about. Well, I expected to go home to a another big fuss. And I said, Well, you better make room in your house for Gwendolyn, who's my niece, who lives with me now, who I took in, so she'd have a place to live. You know, I said, Well, she's not gonna want to live with me anymore. So it doesn't, it doesn't matter. And if she was gonna attack me, I even told my daughter, if she's coming at me, if she comes at me, I'm going to very calmly tell her, I don't need it. I don't need it. If you don't like it, these are the this is the rule of my house. If you don't like it, you can find the door. Because I'm out of the my love for my family, I've done what I can for you folks. I've done everything that I can. And it's not about even me doing it, you know. It's just that uh, you know, family does for family because I've actually gotten up. We never asked you to do it.

Kristen 19:12

Oh boy, Robin, you timed out. Oh my goodness. I'm so sorry that happened to you. I felt that. I understand the gang up, especially when you're someone who sees things more clearly, like you're saying, agree to disagree. Don't force feed your beliefs on other people. Let people believe what they want to believe, you know, these type of things. And then you're getting ganged up on, and everybody is committed to not hearing you or understanding you. And no one stepped up and said, you know what, leave her alone. She's allowed to believe what she wants to believe. And I don't know if you're talking religion, politics, those are usually the hot buttons, or if it was something else. But at any rate, you you do get to believe, and we do get to agree to disagree. I didn't lose any friends with all this political upheaval, COVID-19, any of that. Because I didn't need to agree with anybody and didn't need anybody to agree with me. It's just that that's about respect. That's about respect. So I'm sorry for that. That that happened to you, Robin. That's not fun at all. My goodness gracious. Sending you love, sister. All right, next up we have Sarah. Hey, Sarah. Hey, great topic, Kristen.

Sarah 20:25

Thank you. Thanks for coming. Absolutely. So I feel boneless. I've definitely come to a place where I am like no contact with my family because they have no respect to respect my peace. Sometimes how it is in a crazy toxic family. You know, there's one belief, and if you're like outside of it, you're definitely the outsider, and everybody kind of chastises you. But when you were speaking earlier, I was thinking of my part on the other side, something that I do a lot of times, and I know it has a lot to do with like my personal bias and my history of like abuse and trauma, but sometimes somebody's sharing something with me and I'm not able to hear them. I feel like they're attacking me, and there's something to be said for that side too. I've had to learn to like pause and hold and realize that not everybody's out to get me. They're not necessarily attempting, attacking me. I don't need to defend myself, they're just speaking, and that's something I've struggled to learn is to not, I guess, project everything on myself or think that everything is about me, and be able to just kind of pause, hear what they're saying because that's their truth and that's what works for them. And a lot of times I find, oh my gosh, I hear what they're saying. Before I was just so defensive, I couldn't hear any of it.

Kristen 22:05

Oh my goodness, I'm can you hear me ringing my bell? I heard the bell. I just want to shout over here. I'm like, yes, awesome, great. Ah, that's why I have my bell, everybody. It used to be snaps because wow, I first of all, I love your awareness, but you did the work, Sarah. You did the work. You said, you know what? I'm getting defensive. All right, let me, no one, not everyone's out to get me. You talked yourself into a new perspective. And then you were willing to act from that. Because of course, the initial response when somebody's sharing something about us is defense. That's the way we're designed. But do we act on it? Do we blow it up? Or can we feel the defense and sit in quiet? And then let the because here's what happens, you guys, the defense will go away. It's just a knee-jerk response. If we just sit there and go, oop, felt that. Ooh, cringe, cringe, don't like this. I want to scream and yell and defend myself right now, but I'm not going to. No one even knows this is going on in our head.

Sarah 23:07

Right?

Kristen 23:08

We can just we can just sit in that. And then eventually we slip into listening mode and understanding mode.

Sarah 23:17

And finally you realize you're actually not the outsider, just another person there who's who's relating with somebody, but kind of pause and like more so pausing my inner critic and my inner voices to not ever, well, you know, occasionally it is. You know when you're being attacked, but when you're always being attacked and you're always on the defense, like I had to recognize, I guess I'm speaking for myself, not anybody else, but I had to recognize, oh my gosh, at one point, if it's always consistently happening, Sarah, you are the common denominator here. So what can I do differently? So I can have a different experience. But thank you so much, Kristen. This is an awesome topic, and I love how you shed light on these things. And I've been through these different stages of not necessarily understanding what I was learning, but stepping in here, it sheds light on so many things that I personally have been learning, and and it makes more sense, and I can see why I'm here now because of it. So thank you, Kristen.

Kristen 24:31

You're welcome, Sarah. And I hope it also helps you to believe in me more because you're already doing the work. And I think coming into these types of conversations, you're like, oh, okay, here's just validation for what I already am doing and inspiration to keep going. So this is really a kudos to you because you are self-reflective. That's huge. You're welcome. Thank you, Sarah, for coming up. That was an amazing share. I'm gonna tell you guys, I was tearing up. I get, I get really, I'm I'm ridiculous when it comes to this stuff. It's such my passion. I want people to to feel better and to heal. And what Sarah just came up and demonstrated is like that is the coup de gras. That's the chef's kiss. She's like, oh wait, I'm doing this. And what do I do with this? And maybe I can try something different. That's that's a seeker committed to growth right there. I'm telling you, gold, a gold medal. I don't know what to tell you. Uh, great job, Sarah. Great job. And keep going. You know, we're we're all dealing with this stuff. And yes, at some point, we may have been the one who was the defensive one who was committed to not understanding. And all it takes is just a little bit of awareness to say, you know what, maybe I can listen more. I had that awareness, came through experiences with my kids, and somewhere along the line, somebody saying something and me realizing they're right. It's not hard to realize someone's right, but you do need to put down your ego, your pride, and your stubbornness. Wow, they're right. I did do that, or I do do that. We don't have to condemn ourselves, we don't have to shame ourselves for the recognitions that come. We just merely need to observe, bring it up to the forefront of our brain into our consciousness, so we can work with it, so that we can be aware of it. Because if we're ignoring it, if we're hiding it, then we can't heal it. Our brother Peter said uh in the messages, sometimes it sucks, but yes, it does suck. Sometimes it's like, oh God, that's me. Right? We're not always so excited. I think, to be honest with you guys, I think eventually it gets exciting because you know the piece that's going to be on the other side of the ownership. And another huge point that Sarah brought up that I want to say is that she said, yes, indeed, sometimes we are being attacked. That's a truth. Sometimes someone's just coming at us. They're they're like little Tasmanian devil coming our way. And we're like, whoa, wow. You know, of course we're gonna put up the defense because we're designed to protect ourselves. That's part of the whole physiology of us, okay? But every single time, 100% of the time, yeah, that's where you have to look at yourself as the common denominator. That's exactly right because it is true it will happen, but it is also true that if it's all the time, whether it's all the time with all the people or all the time with one person, no matter what that person says, you feel attacked. And they've said to you, I'm just trying to communicate with you, I'm just trying to talk to you, or why are you getting defensive? Can we just have a communication? You know, those type of things. Because I do know that sometimes people are so good at brushing away emotions and brushing away their knee-jerk responses in the outside world because somebody may brush up against it. They're really great at that because they have that facade. But then there might be one person in their life that is extremely close to them and left and right trigger, trigger, trigger, trigger, trigger, trigger. And that can happen. Because I've seen it where people can, they can put on this exterior, their bulletproof vest when they're out in the world, but when they're in a certain environment, the vest comes off, and now they're this raw person with these wounds, and people can brush up against them. It's very intoxicating to want to blame the person who keeps rubbing up against your wound. But if you look at that person, you take a step back and you're like, this is really not their character. They're not someone that hurts people, they're not someone who attacks people. You might want to look at yourself and say, why am I so sensitive to everything they say? What wounds do I have inside that this person is brushing up against? It's just food for thought, just things for us to consider. Pamela, welcome up. Thank you for coming. Well, thank you. Thank you for waiting.

Pamela 29:15

This is a great topic, Kristen. Um, I have a question that you can address, I think, maybe for all of us. It's one thing if you have a family member who or family members who have a different uh point, you know, a view on what you're doing. But what if it's your spouse? And what if that spouse is constantly negative about what you're doing, uh beating you down by saying you're an adult, you should be able to, you know, lose weight, you don't have to step on the scales, you don't have to, you know, do such and such. And it's so negative that it actually just deflates you totally.

Kristen 29:53

There's really only one answer to this, and it's a tough one. You have to rise above the noise of the outside world. Okay, and you have to rise above the noise that's coming at you. It's not easy.

Pamela 30:05

So, what would you suggest? I have a loving family member going through exactly this, and as much as I've tried to be positive for her and help her, I don't know how to guide her to rise above that noise. What would you say?

Kristen 30:18

She has to trust herself. She has to stop listening to and trying to gain the approval or the encouragement from somewhere that is void of that.

Pamela 30:30

Good point.

Kristen 30:32

Good point. There's a void there. So we're keep trying to dig in this empty well and expect to find water. It's it's not it's not gonna happen. Protecting peace means pulling it out from there. I've had the same thing where I've had people that were super supportive of me and other people that were doing like heinous things to me and and just it was working against me. And I had to do this little math in my head and say, that's not my person to go to. I need to, I need to keep that over here in this department and do this for myself and not for the approval or validation of somebody else.

Pamela 31:10

Is there a way? I mean, I've talked to her about you sometimes you have to block off your emotions from that person. But in doing that, that almost creates a hardness in you towards the person.

Kristen 31:22

So how do you work around that? Well, that's exactly what Kathleen was talking about. She said when they kept coming at her and coming at her, she started guarding her heart. I'm not sure if you were in the room. And I said, Yeah, and I said, right, that's what happens. And then we start hardening towards that person because it's our only way to protect ourselves is to not feel. However, and this is a long conversation in a very short time. We can learn to separate ourselves and not take it personally. Look at that, that is just a reflection of that person's inner world, and it has zero to do with our worth.

Pamela 32:03

Right. That's and that's easier to do, I think, if it is a distant person that doesn't live in your own home. It's much more difficult to do when they are with you all the time as a spouse in your home.

Kristen 32:18

Absolutely. You're not wrong. It's it is the challenge of all challenges, and it's about boundaries too. So if the person starts coming at them with some type of negativity or whatever that looks like, I don't know the details of this, it's about saying removing yourself from the situation and saying that's that's an off-limit topic between you and I, or something to that effect, or when you can talk more kindly to me, then I'll be happy to revisit this. So it's really about setting those boundaries too and teaching them what's acceptable.

Pamela 32:53

Yes. Thank you very much, Kristen. I know she's listening in, and so I'm gonna approach this.

Kristen 32:59

I hope that helps. Hey, Pamela, was this your first time talking to me? I feel like it is. It is my very first time. Okay, good. Yay, so you're gonna get 300 vibes too. Thank you so much for coming up. It's a powerful question. Thank you, Kristen. I appreciate it. You're welcome. And I want to send love. I just want everybody right now to take a moment and to envision Pamela's loved one. And I want you to send, I want you to send her just pure love. Just pure love. Because love gives us strength. Just send her support, just send that, envision her in her most empowered self. Sending pity, sending worry, sending this. That's low vibe. We want to send complete healing, we want to send strength. We want to send seeing them in their highest worth and demonstrating that to the world. Thank you for coming up. Alrighty. Moving on. This is this is a hot topic today. I didn't know if it would be. I did set an intention that it would be, and here we go. So thank you everybody so much for being willing to come up and and the new people who came up for the first time. I really appreciate you, and I hope that you become regulars on the stage. Amani, welcome, sister. What do you have to contribute to this?

Imani 34:20

Uh, for me, it took a long time to go ahead and protect my peace. Because I'm sure as other people have shared, especially for us women, are given the perception that we have to be there for everyone and for everything and show up this way and show up that way. And especially for me growing up, you weren't allowed to have emotions. I didn't really start tapping in into my emotions until I became an adult. But in order for me to protect my peace, first thing is I make sure I can control the environment. You know, if it's not a positive environment, I know I have the control to walk away. If it's not a positive conversation, I know I have the power to politely hang up. I have reclaimed the power. So often we think we've lost power and we can't get it back. We can.

Kristen 35:10

That's an excellent point right there.

Imani 35:12

Exactly. Because the thing is, you have to know we're not in control of what other people say, think, or do, but we are in control of how we respond to it. And that was the biggest part for me is learning that I don't have to respond every single time. I don't have to give a comeback. I don't have to explain myself. That's one way of protecting my peace. Second way I protect my peace is with my phone. It's on Do Not Disturb All Day. People have asked, well, why do you do that? I said, Well, it's to protect my peace. Because I know for me, I'm easily distracted by the screen lighting up. Every day I'm looking at, oh, what's that? What's that? And I get into fear of missing out mode. And I prefer to stay in joy of missing out mode. So my phone is on the slide on do not disturb all day. And the people I really need to hear from, they're on my favorites list. So they can bypass the do not disturb. But that helps me to stay physically present and not to get so overwhelmed with anxiety about what's all happening on that phone. Why is it lighting up? Ooh, what am I missing? No, life is still going on whether I'm in tune or not. Another way I preserve my pieces, I stay in my own lane. I stopped being so focused on what everybody else is doing and then comparing it to what I'm not doing and comparing my beginning to someone else's mirror or end. It's not a fair comparison, right? Be happy with where you are and that you're working at the pace that's just right for you. And then trust the progress of your process. What does that mean? Don't discount every step along the way to get to the end goal of mine. So often we discount it, we forget about it. We don't think it's a big or significant enough, but the thing is, little by little, a little becomes a lot. You are going to build up on every single thing you're doing. So go ahead and celebrate yourself because you can't wait for other people to celebrate you. That's right.

Kristen 37:17

You are your biggest cheerleader. Or for others to see us and to understand us. If some people are so committed to not seeing or understanding us, we must be willing to see and understand ourselves. Period, full stop. That's what matters the most.

Imani 37:37

You got that right. And the last way I preserve my peace is I stop creating unrealistic expectations for people that they don't know they're supposed to fulfill. And I'm the one frustrated. Why are they getting this? Why are they not doing that? Well, boo-boo kitty, they didn't know. They didn't know what your parameters were for the relationship. They didn't know they had to meet certain milestones with you in order to be in a relationship with you. Be clear with your yes and your yes. Be clear with your no means no. But also be okay to be emotionally mature to hold the conversation. I used to have, I used to fear having a conversation because I didn't want conflict. I didn't want people to stop liking me. But that ends up being more detrimental to me by doing that. I know how to have a good positive conversation and with someone and say, hey, you know, you may not have realized this A, B, C, but this is how that made me feel. Because a lot of times they don't even aware they did it to you or that that's a trigger for you. But when you point it out and you let them know, they actually will respect you more in the process. And at the end of the day, your peace and sanity matters most.

Kristen 38:54

Love y'all. Thank you, Imani. Excellent points. Love all the points. Let's pause for a second to talk about unrealistic expectations. It's really just, let's just take unrealistic off. Let's just take expectations. Just that word, unspoken expectations. And then when the person doesn't do the thing that we expect them to do, when we expect them to do it, and then we're mad and we're frustrated and we're stomping our feet and we're pouting and we're attacking and we're doing all these things. Do you know that we're leaving that person looking at us like we have four heads? They're scratching their heads saying, What did I miss? Is there something that you didn't tell me? Was is there something here that I don't know? What are you really trying to say? And then the expectation comes out, and the and the person, the other one's likely like, uh, I'm not a mind reader. I didn't know that I was supposed to do that. The four agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz, boy, that was a book for me that changed my life 20, 25 years ago. Couldn't even tell you when. Still think about it, still talk about it to this day, still have a copy. And one of those things was never assume, one of the four agreements. Never assume. So I stopped assuming. I stopped assuming that people knew what I needed, what I felt, what I expected them to do, and I started communicating. Can I tell you how much drama that clears up? There's virtually none. Unless you have people who have who struggle with your communication because they're committed to not communicating. They've lived a life of hiding, of hinting, of having expectations. They expect you to do the same, and everybody's just miming at each other, hoping that they get something. Those people, they may take offense to your communication, but that's on them, not on you. But instead of assuming anybody should know something, I started to communicate. Hey, here's the deal. And you know, there's this narrative out in the world about over-communicating. Can you over-communicate? I don't think you can. I have not had an experience yet where I thought you too much communication. Give me the deeds, give me the information so I know what's happening here completely, so I can show up as my best response to the information. If I only know three things out of 20, I'm gonna respond to the three things. Not the 20. If you give someone all the information, they know exactly what to do. A lot of people do like to hide, though. They don't want you to have all the information because they're assuming what you're gonna do with all the information. I'm not about that world. I'm not about that life. I'm about truth, honesty, clarity, putting it all on the table, moving the puzzle pieces around, deciding what fits, what doesn't fit. Do we need to open another box? What is it? That's what shifts our relationships. Welcome, Stephen. Thanks for joining us for this awesome conversation today.

Steven 42:00

This is a learned skill, protecting my peace, because once you learn some of these things, you kind of want to share them because you just want to be kind to other people. And it's like, you know, it'd be so much easier for you if you would just learn these things and I can help you out. Assuming you're willing to listen. I keep having some of these situations. I had one again Saturday night. Um the gal is only 25, she's like older. She's explaining this problem to somebody else, and I'm hearing it, and she can tell that I'm hearing it. I took an opportunity to mention something, and it was just ignored. I proceeded to just walk away. And she just kept explaining it to this person, other person, and like, okay, you're wanting her to solve it, you don't want me to solve it. So I'm just walking away. I mean, somebody else saw me do that, and I just smiled and said, Yeah, I wasn't getting anywhere, so I'm I'm not gonna waste my time. She's like that's right.

Kristen 43:10

What a perfect example.

Steven 43:12

It seems like it's one of those for my mom was just the kind of church lady you could be around in just rubs off to the point of if you just can if you just keep kindness of it to the lessons like if you want to keep going, but if you reason to keep wasting much time is I don't think it's been unkind. It may be viewed as unkind to them, but it is not unkind to them.

Kristen 43:50

That's right. You're gonna hit the bell on that one, Stephen.

Steven 43:56

I don't like hearing bells anyway. It's it's simple things. Things like that. And I think, and I think once we do learn all this stuff, then it's a matter of going out into the real world and slowly but surely practicing it over and over and over to where we don't have to think about it, we just know it instantly. I remember thinking that way back in January, what's your word for the year? Because I'd kind of fallen back with that one group that I had to get away from. I had fallen back into the thing. It's like I'm just trying to help. And if I stick around long enough, maybe I can help. And I'm like, practice. Nice.

Kristen 44:44

That's I like that.

Steven 44:46

And then I found this group. And it's interesting because now I have more stuff to practice. I just keep getting more tools in the toolbox.

Kristen 44:55

And it's helpful, isn't it?

Steven 44:56

It makes you feel like you're not out there swimming upstream all the time, that there are others that that see you. I mean, it's it's one thing that somebody can visually know that you're in the room, but being seen. Oh man, I just yearn for that at times because, like, are we all just this dense? And it used to be a thing. It's like, can we just get past talking about NASCAR and Bud Light? Is there other subjects we can delve into, or is that the only thing we can talk about? Now I'm speaking of the guys that I work with, but you know.

Kristen 45:34

You want to go deep. You like going deep, Stephen. That's exactly right. Yeah, and I think that's what Nune Vibe is all about, at least my stage. My my topics on Nume Vibe. I can't speak for everybody. But that's what my stages provide is a place for people who do like to go deep, who do want to introspect, who do want to have the best experience of life, that are tired of suffering, and they're tired of struggling. And boy, oh boy, there is something so magical and mystical about being with like minds, being with people who understand us, being with people like how many people came up to the stage today already from they were in the queue from the beginning and new people as well, because this topic resonated. Right? It's like, oh my gosh, yes. And to hear where everybody's at and what they're doing with it, it just makes us all feel validated. It makes us all feel like we're not crazy. Have you ever had to go to a friend and explain a scenario to them just to have them say, you're not crazy. That you're you're not crazy. That's exactly right. Okay. April said, I really wish this was recorded to watch later because I'm working, I can't fully focus because I really need this topic. April, all talks are recorded. And also, I edit them after the fact and put them on my YouTube channel. So I will message you. I I think you're still online. Yep, she's still online, so she's probably still listening. So, April, I hope you hear me. Send me a yes in the direct message if you heard me. But all talks are recorded here on Noom Vibe. You can find them under the speaker's profile picture. So if you click on my profile picture right now, you're gonna see a tab under there that says talks. When you click on that tab, that's a list of all my talks. But like I said, I also do edit them and have been putting them on my YouTube channel. It's faceless, it's under the podcast tab in Power Hour with KB. Right now I'm just choosing random topics, but this has been such a powerful conversation. This will probably be to probably go up in the next couple of days. So if you haven't yet subscribed to my YouTube channel, you can find that by going, clicking on my profile picture, going to my link tree where it says my link tree under my profile, and that will have a tab to my YouTube. Also, you can just type into the YouTube search bar at Kristen Brown. Eventually, I just haven't had the time yet or the bandwidth to get it up. I'm starting a brand new podcast. My other podcast is the Sweet Empowerment Podcast. This is Empower Hour with KB Podcast, where I am posting the talks here from Noom Vibe, edited, of course, because sometimes there's audio that is not clear, or people jump up and don't talk about what's on topic. I just make it a very clear, streamlined, straightforward podcast over on that will be on my new actual podcast. Everything's a podcast these days, so it's hard to delineate because people call this a podcast. But my YouTube channel is not a video podcast, it's an audio podcast. And then I will put it on an actual audio platform, like Apple Music and Spotify and all those things. They just haven't gotten to that point yet. So you can listen to this on the replay. I hope that helps to give you the information you were looking for. Okay, cool. She said you are the best. Thank you so much. I started in my car in lunch, but the office is loud. Oh, I totally understand. And uh, I know these middle of the day, my talk that is 10 a.m. Mountain Standard Time and usually about 1 p.m. right now during daylight savings, Eastern time, that can be hard for people because it's in their lunch hour. I know I realize that. What worked for me isn't always an opportune time for everybody else. So thank you, everybody. Let's continue on with this conversation. The queue is empty. I welcome you to join, even if you've been up already. If there's something else that you would like to add, please do. So, oh, we got it, we got a taker. Oh, good. We have two takers right on. We have Jeanette and then we have Marilyn. So thanks, guys, for coming up. Looking forward to hear what you have to share.

Janette 49:54

I I am pretty good at protecting my peace. I um I know how to shut up and get up and walk away.

Kristen 50:03

That's great.

Janette 50:04

Yeah, and my family, that's what you have to do because uh I'm not gonna change their mind and they're not gonna change mine. I just don't want to spend my energy fighting about it, you know, anymore. I guess I've outgrown that. I've had enough experience just to say, okay, you know, you think what you think and peace and love be be with you, you know. Well, thanks for the applause, people. I appreciate that. Look at them loving you up. They are just loving me. I love it. You find other places where you can talk and be yourself and where you know, where people agree with you or don't want to argue with you at least. Or want to understand you. Yes, yes, definitely. There's definitely a lack of lack of understanding. I'm an oddball in my family. Uh first of all, I got sober in 1989, and that flipped them all out. You know, I started going to AA and that flipped them all out. And you know, it's okay. Some of them were are very religious and felt like I should join their church and then I would be healed from alcoholism. Tried that, didn't work. Gotta do what I gotta do for my sobriety, peace of mind. Because uh, you know, peace is peace has gotta be your your your biggest joy in life is is that peace, you know. And I love to go sit on my back porch and look across the field and see if I see any deer or or maybe a bear and turkeys and you know, hawks flying around. And that's that's very peaceful for me. And when things get hectic, what I do, I go sit out there on the porch and just commune with nature. It's how I protect my peace. Get up and walk away from it. It's just not worth it.

Kristen 51:56

That visual sounded dreamy. It's not worth it. And this conversation, I was thinking of the ones who haven't yet learned that. So it's because I something I had to learn myself is it's just not worth it. It just drains me and it it moves me into an energetic state that I don't like to be in.

Janette 52:16

Yeah, it's a negative place, it's hurtful, and it's hard to feel left out of your family. It's hard to walk away from that. But but for my peace of mind, that's what I gotta do, you know. They don't they don't pay my bills, you know, they don't own me. And I can still love them and just not present in their what I call negativity, you know. So, you know, I told you about the that the Christians thought I should go to church with them, but the drunks thought I should still be drinking. So I got both sides of that dichotomy, you know.

Kristen 52:53

You're strong, Jeanette. You're strong.

Janette 52:56

I am tough.

Kristen 52:57

I'm a survivor, you know that you are that you're a sacred rebel, too, because you just were like, now y'all, y'all, y'all do you, but this is what I'm gonna do for me.

Janette 53:06

I'm it took me a long time to get here, but I really don't care what other people think about me. I really don't care.

Kristen 53:15

Did you when you were getting sober and stuff? And was it a little bit of a struggle because you were like, I need to go this direction, but everybody's trying to pull me a different direction? Was that challenging to you because you were afraid of being disliked or disowned?

Janette 53:28

Yes, ma'am. I was very, very uh afraid of losing my family. My family was everything to me, you know. And as long as my grandmother was alive, that that was where my peace was because I learned it from her. I learned from her, you know. And uh I don't I don't ever want to go back to that place where other people's opinion of me is any of my business because it's not any of my business, you know.

Kristen 53:58

Yeah. Paula said on the back channel, amen, Jeanette. Yeah, you got a lot of support here today. That's what I love about this app too, is that when we're speaking, if it's resonating with somebody, people send up the claps, but I see a lot of claps when people are doing hard things. When somebody overcame something that was very difficult, because we all know how hard that is. The challenge that's involved with that. And boy, we're so inspired for other people from other people's stories when they say, Oh, yeah, this is what I went through. People are like, Go you, go you. It's one of the most uh quality things about this app, the recognition from strangers until they're not, which we all become friends here on Noom Five, but it's the recognition from strangers that we're not crazy, that it was a good move, that we're strong, that we've inspired them. It's a beautiful feeling, and it it helps keep us on track too. It helps keep us empowered to keep moving forward. Welcome up, Marilyn. Thank you for joining me. Sure. How are you, Kristen? I'm doing great. How are you?

Marilyn 55:13

Oh, great. Um, I love listening to your talks. And I found your website the other day. Uh I've still got to take some quizzes, but you are awesome. I think you just you know how to inspire and reach into people, and just I feel like you're in my head. I I I get such a kick out of listening and learning from you. I where were you 49 years ago or 50?

Kristen 55:55

Struggling. No, I was probably 10.

Speaker 1 55:59

Probably 10 years old. I hear you. I'm pushing I'm almost 70 and the older I get, the less patient I get. I don't have time for people who just want to be in that wallow in that pit. Self-I don't know, their emotions are not even close to where I am, you know. They're just wallowing in a pit of self-pity and doubt, and I'm not doubting myself, you know. I'm at an age where I figured that out. And I was adopted when I was two years old. My adopted parents were extremely physically abusive, and the emotional abuse was just unbelievable.

Kristen 56:56

I'm so sorry.

Marilyn 56:57

It's not your fault.

Kristen 56:59

No, I know, but my compassion is just saying, I see you, I see you.

Marilyn 57:02

Yeah, it it was bad. I had to wear turtleneck sweaters in May in Texas to go to school because I had to cover bruises and the welts and the the blood scars. It was bad. But you know, I my mother threw me out of the house when I was fifteen. So I was on my own and I have been ever since. Fortunately, I met and married a man that he's my soulmate. We've been together we've been married for 50 years coming up.

Kristen 57:47

That's so beautiful.

Marilyn 57:49

Well, thank you. I I'm a happy person now. He tried to get me for oh, over 30 years. He tried to get me to cut them out of my life, just leave it alone and walk away. I had it in my head that somehow I could make them recognize that I was a good person.

Kristen 58:13

Right? Yes, that's what I'm talking about.

Marilyn 58:16

I know, and I had to I had to jump through hoops to make them understand I was not stupid and I was not ignorant, and I could be somebody and make something of myself. I got to where I was general manager of a rental car agency, a large rental car agency, in three different offices, and I worked I started as a car washer and went to general manager. So I worked my tail off.

Kristen 58:54

You sure did.

Marilyn 58:55

But the only time they found me useful was when they wanted to take a trip and rent a car to do it. And then it was, well, we'll call Marilyn because she'll do it for us. And when everything was going great with them, they pretty much didn't call, they didn't come over, they didn't. It was me that had to put forth all the effort. I got so tired of doing it, but I felt I owed it to them. I'm almost out of time.

Kristen 59:32

Yeah, there's no one in the queue. If you would like to come back up and finish that, no worries whatsoever. Just click that join button again. We'll have Marilyn back up again. Thank you, Marilyn, for sharing this story with us. Yep. And no matter how much you accomplish, no matter how much you try to convince them, I bet they were never convinced.

Marilyn 59:50

I know.

Kristen 59:51

Just it's just yeah, yeah, tragedy.

Speaker 1 59:55

I was 50 years old before I walked out of their lives. And I never spoke to them, I never saw them, I just cut them out because it was to the point I was 56 years old, and my father was calling me stupid. You know, and I just I just looked at him and I said, you know, this isn't gonna happen again. And I left. I was at his house. I walked out, drove away two hours.

Kristen 1:00:33

I drove to get up there to help him with my mother, only to be verbally abused.

Marilyn 1:00:42

Oh, yeah, by her and him. She called me the W word tramp, she called me everything in the book, dang, and told me to get the F out of her hospital room. Wow, I know, and I was like, what did I do but walk in? Anyway, I went back to their house, and that's when my father let into me. And I was like, what have I done? You know, nothing to deserve. Um yeah, I said, I'm too old for this crap. And I walked out wised up, and my husband was so proud. He was like a kid with a new toy, he thought that was just Queen's Bees.

Kristen 1:01:32

He's been waiting decades for you to love yourself enough to walk away. Bless his father. What a beautiful man.

Marilyn 1:01:43

You know, I've forgiven them, but I'll never forget. They're dead now. They passed away with an old.

Kristen 1:01:51

I'm glad you forgave them, Marilyn. Yeah, I am glad you forgave them.

Marilyn 1:01:56

I had to be a good one. We've done some work since you've done some great work. It's been a long road. And I went through 12 years of counseling, which I think I just had the wrong counselors, because so far listening to your stuff on your site and your YouTube has done me more good than 12 years of therapy.

unknown 1:02:21

Wow.

Marilyn 1:02:23

And your talks on here, I go back and re-listen to them if I don't, if I miss one. There you're just awesome.

Kristen 1:02:33

Thank you, Marilyn.

Marilyn 1:02:35

You really are. You inspire me so much. I appreciate it. I wanted to tell you that it's the first time I've actually talked on your show, but I thoroughly appreciate everything you do.

Kristen 1:02:52

Thank you, Marilyn.

Marilyn 1:02:53

It means so much to me. Well, you're welcome. You deserve it. So kudos to you. Um that from you know who. Cecilia. No, she's a sweetheart. But I've only talked one time on her talk show and she is begging me to come back and see her, but I just, you know, I gotta be in the mood for that. But I still work through negative, but it's easier to get through now than it used to be. I find myself being more forgiving to myself. Oh yeah, and being nice to me. That was the hard thing. Is looking in the mirror every morning and saying, You are worthy of love, and you are worthy of friends who love you. And my family is we are so tight. We're close. But thank you. I appreciate your time. I just wanted to tell you that.

Kristen 1:04:10

I appreciate that, Marilyn. I really, really appreciate that. Thank you so much for coming up. Oh, you never know who's listening, I guess, right? And Marilyn, I hope you do come up. I know I come up again. I know sometimes we have to be in the mood, and and sometimes the timing needs to be right and all that, but please know that you're always welcome. That was so beautiful. And right now the number in the room is 444. I love that. 444. Marilyn, you will also be receiving 300 vibes. And I love to hear that you have such a stellar family. And boy, you are a light. You are a light in this world. Thank you for being you. Thank you for the love you brought to the stage today. Thank you for sharing your experience and your story. All right, you guys, we're basically out of time here today. So I do want to share one last thing with you, which is the let formula. L-E-T. I did not make this up. This is a chat GPT thing. So we're gonna see how we like this. The let formula, L. Let go of convincing. Stop trying to force clarity into someone who's unwilling to receive it. Your worth and truth don't hinge on their agreement. Let formula. L, let go of convincing. Love it. E. Engage with openness. Save your explanations for people who show genuine curiosity and respect for your perspective. E. Engage only with openness. Don't waste your time with those who are committed to not seeing you. Don't waste your time. For those who are committed to misunderstanding you, don't waste your time with those who don't even care to see or understand you. We only have a finite amount of energy every day. Gotta be mindful where we're putting it. And the final letter is T in the let formula. Turn inward for validation. Ground yourself in self-trust, reminding yourself, I know my truth, and that's enough. And this is kind of reminds me of what I was talking to Pamela about. She was saying she had a person who was dealing with this, a spouse who was not being very supportive. My stomach is gurgling. I hope you guys can't hear that. Sometimes when I'm editing, I'll hear, I'll hear these little tiny sounds. I'm like, oh my god, is that my stomach? Anyway, I don't care if you hear it, it's not it's a human thing, but it's just funny. Because the way I hold my phone, it's about eight inches from my belly. T. Turn inward for validation. Ground yourself in self-trust, reminding yourself, I know my truth, and that's enough. Like I always say, we must be willing to become our own best protector, best advocate, best caregiver, best person that we trust. We gotta trust ourselves above everything and everyone because we are connected to source. We are source. We know things. I will tell you guys that the amount of wisdom, love, and validation that came across the stage today, the stage today was absolutely brilliant. You guys bring it every single time. I have been moist-eyed this entire conversation. I'm telling you. Literally, like if I go look in the mirror, I probably have smeared mascara. Because I actually took a shower today and put some makeup on. But I I have my I feel like crying this entire talk based on your heart, your mind, who you are. You're so freaking cool. You're so beautiful, you're so strong, you're so courageous, you're so amazing. And I am incredibly blessed and honored to share this space with you. And the fact that you take time out of your day to be here means the world to me. So thank you. And as always, if you're interested in free resources, taking one of my quiz, popping over to the self-love merchandise shop and grabbing yourself a t-shirt or a hoodie, my website, my coaching opportunities, let's see what else. My YouTube channel, my book link, all those things are on my link tree. You can click on my profile picture that takes you to my profile. It'll say my link tree. Click on that. That's the list of everything. If you're going to be listening to this on one of the other platforms, the link will be in the description below. Thank you all for blessing me with your presence. You mean the world to me. I appreciate you. I love you, and I will see you guys tomorrow for another episode of Empower Hour with KB. Much love.