How to Stop Over-Giving, Weed Out the Takers & Spend Your Energy Where It Matters Most

Are you the one everyone calls when they need something? 

Do you find yourself doing most of the planning, reaching out, accommodating, helping, and emotionally supporting others? 

Are you exhausted, overwhelmed, or quietly starting to feel taken for granted? 

If your answer is yes, you may have fallen into the painful pattern of overgiving.

In this deeply personal and eye-opening episode, I share my own journey from chronic over-giver to emotionally grounded and liberated. We’ll explore why so many people over-function in relationships at the expense of their own well-being, peace, and self-worth. And how to break free from this pattern in a kind and self-loving way. 

Giving is beautiful. But constantly abandoning yourself to keep others comfortable is not love, it’s self-neglect disguised as kindness.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

🧠  The hidden emotional drivers behind overgiving and people-pleasing
🚩  The biggest signs you’ve been giving too much
⏸️  How to interrupt the pattern of over-functioning and self-abandonment
⚖️  Why matching energy and effort changes your relationships dramatically
✨  How to start honoring your time, energy, needs, and emotional well-being without guilt

This conversation is about learning to stop living at the beck and call of everyone else and returning to a healthier, more balanced state where you feel valued, peaceful, respected, and free.

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Forever grateful,

KB 🦋

Transcript

Kristen 0:00

Hello, hello, everyone. Welcome to Self-Healing with KB. I have a wonderful topic lined up for you today. And it's one that I am deeply familiar with because I indeed was an overgiver. Now I can call myself a recovered overgiver. And I will tell you that everything feels so much better now. I feel relaxed. I feel emotionally grounded. I don't feel like my energy is just spread all over the place. I feel liberated. I feel like I can really focus where I need to focus. And guess what? No one died. No one lost a limb. Nothing happened. Nothing catastrophic happened. In fact, it really cleared space for me in my life. I used to be a person who was at the beck and call for anyone who needed me. And it took me some time to unpack this and to get better at this over time, but with a clear intention and a clear understanding about why I was doing it, what programs were running in the background, and how I was responsible for it. Truly, it's our responsibility. So I'm going to start off with a couple of questions for you first. Are you the one who seems to be there for everyone? Are you the one who seems to be there for everyone all the time? Do you do most of the planning, the calling, or the initiating with people in your life? Are you someone who tends to pick up that phone and answer that text immediately? And when someone needs you, you show up with bells and whistles on. Are you starting to feel like you're being used or that no one really cares about you? I know I felt all of these things. I was doing all of these things. It took me some time to really realize what was happening because I am such a natural nurturer. I'm a natural giver. It's how I am wired. I like to help people, I like to make people feel better, I like to be there for people. There's a lot of good things that came from that for me. But at some point on my journey, I began to realize that I was feeling some kind of a way and this wasn't working for me anymore. What if, if you're someone who identifies with being an overgiver, what if you allow the idea to come in that you've trained people to believe that you'll always be the strong one, that you'll always be the available one, that you'll always be the accommodating one, that you will be the one that keeps showing up no matter how little you receive in return. Over time, many people unintentionally teach others that their needs can wait, that our feelings can be overlooked, or that we'll always be there without their care, their attention, their reciprocity, or their consideration. But eventually what happens over time is that exhaustion sets in, resentment builds, we start to feel even lonely. Isn't that strange? We're there for all of these people. So we tend to have a lot of people in our life and we're doing things for them, but yet on some level we feel lonely, we feel depleted. And this happens, it happens because somewhere along the way, we stopped honoring ourselves. We stopped looking at ourself as somebody who deserves the time and attention and care of other people as equally as we give it. In today's talk, we are going to explore what overgiving really is and how to break free from the cycle of overgiving and overfunctioning and self-abandonment, because that's what's really happening. So that you can return to a healthier, more balanced state where you're no longer just surviving for everybody else, where you're no longer everything to everyone, but truly thriving within yourself. I have a guest. Oh, we got Anitra coming up. Welcome, Anitra.

Anitra 3:57

Hi for thank you for this topic. Just wanted to first of all say that I'm a recovering codependent and I'm constantly working on that. And this is what I'm hearing everything that you're saying. You're talking about boundaries. Thank you very much. We need to set some boundaries. And one of my affirmations is givers need to know when to draw the line because takers don't know how.

Kristen 4:21

Oh, I love that. Did you guys hear that? Givers need to know when to draw the line because takers don't know how.

Anitra 4:28

Yeah. And so thank you so much. Like I said, I'm recovering from codependency. Um, I'm not the person that's that initiates a lot of things, but a lot of people will come to me and I've learned to delegate and I've learned to, I can do A and B, different options for you. But after that, you know, people come to me for references. Who do you know that can help me with this? I've done much better with setting my boundaries, but people also know I'm that person that can refer them when I can't do it. But I've also set up set a boundary with that as well. So I just wanted to share that.

Kristen 5:01

That's really great. And I love the idea, Anitra, that you talked about that you can do A and B, but you're no, you're not going to do speed through P.

Anitra 5:09

The whole alphabet. The whole alphabet.

Kristen 5:10

No, the whole alphabet. You're not there for the whole alphabet. Giving is really a beautiful thing. It really is a beautiful thing. But overgiving at the expense of our well-being is not. And what's hidden behind this is often a desire to be liked, to be valued, or to be indispensable. There's something that we tend to believe that we are getting from this. Now, again, there's a strange little line involved, and we've talked about this several times, and a lot of you have related to this, is that some of us are just naturally givers. We're natural nurturers. I'm a huge nurturer. I love to tend to people, I love to help them with things. I get a lot of personal fulfillment from it. So I had to find the line between where I was doing this for my own fulfillment and where there was a secret hidden motive behind the scenes that was contributing to this behavior for me. So the problem is we are not taking care of the most important person in our life. We have deemed everybody else more important to us. And so we go above and beyond. We're always there. We rarely say no. Again, there might be aspects of this that we really truly enjoy. But yet, when it starts to become a detriment, when we start to feel like nobody cares about us, that's that was one of my signs. There was times I just sat there and I thought, nobody cares about me. Nobody cares about my stuff. Nobody cares what I'm feeling or what I need or what have you. And so there were people in my life, like I had mentioned earlier, where I had trained to believe that I'm just going to do all the things all the time, no matter what. But then there were other people in my life who they just kind of showed up in my life that way. That they just needed, needed, needed, wanted, wanted, wanted. And that was fine because I saw that in friendships, it's a it's a give and take where we show up for people, our people show up for us. It goes back and forth, and it's a lovely little union, and we're so glad they're there. But I started to recognize that in some of these friendships, it was very lopsided. And it seemed to be I was the one that was reaching out and saying, Hey, do you want to go to dinner? Want to go see a movie, want to go to this thing, or uh answering the phone every time they had an issue and just spending so much time with them with my whole heart. To be honest, you guys, and I was gonna tell this later, but I'll tell it now. I would even schedule, because I'm a busy girl. So if someone said, Hey, do you got time to talk? I'd say, Hey, not right now, but I do between five and six tonight. And I would literally schedule it and I would tell my family, hey, I'm gonna talk to my friend between five and six, they're going through something. I would go above and beyond. So let's talk about first the signs of overgiving. We've already mentioned quite a few of them here. But one of them is that you feel taken for granted or underappreciated. Maybe you're not getting the appreciation that you deserve. And I will say that sometimes that appreciation is enough because the person might not just say, hey, thank you for being there for me, but they're like, listen, girl, I know you're busy, I know you got a lot to do, and I cannot tell you how much I am grateful that you keep showing up for me in this capacity. And if you ever need me, I'm there for you. I will do whatever it takes to be there for you the way that you have been there for me. So thank you so much. You know, when we're appreciated in that capacity, we're like, all right, this person knows they get it, they see it on the deeper level. But then there's just, well, thanks for listening, thanks for whatever, and click. And then it happens again and again and again. You could feel like you are spread too thin. It just seems like you're jumping from thing to thing to thing through hoop, through hoop, through hoop. And if you really stop and you zoom out on your life and you take a look at what's happening, you'll see, you know what? So much of my time, effort, and energy is going into other people. Again, I'm gonna keep disclaiming that's not always a bad thing. We want to be that type of person that's rooted in love and care. But where's the line? And if I looked at my life, there was a point in my life, this is not too far in my distance past, a couple years ago, you know, I work from home. I'm available, quote unquote, if you will, and listen with a coaching client or my new vibe. And so someone would call me needing something, and I would answer. And then I spend an hour in the middle of my day. And this kept happening. It was the next person, next person. And it was happening all the time where I was, I at the end of the day, I thought I haven't gotten anything done. And I felt good being there for people. And as you guys know, I'm a coach and a mentor, and I teach this stuff in the world, and people know that, and they call me for that level of wisdom, if you will. And it was all I was doing all day long. And so I had to say, okay, I'm there for everybody else all the time. I think I'm giving too much. I think I need to have some boundaries in place with myself. That was the most important part. The next thing could be that you feel exhausted and you just don't know why. You can't really place it. You're like, you know, it wasn't like I was running a marathon today or I moved an entire house today, or whatever it might be. But you just feel exhausted. And sometimes that's an indicator within us that we're not feeding our own soul, that we're not feeding our own body, our own mind, our emotions. We're not taking care of self. So we feel exhausted and just don't really know why. Another sign could be that you are there for those who are not there for you. And this takes some introspection. This takes you looking back and evaluating, just paying attention, maybe journaling about this, and looking at, and I'm not trying to make this a tit for tat. I'm just, this is a gathering data. This is an investigation phase where you're like, you know what? I seem to be doing all the things for this person and doing all the giving, all the planning, all the accommodating, all the reaching out. But they don't do this for me. I remember this with one of my friends, I'll call her Jill, and I was doing that all constantly with Jill. And then when I stopped doing it, and this was more about reaching out, making plans and things like that, trying to get together. And when I stopped doing it because I was the one doing it all the time, they never happened. Jill didn't do it. And at one point she did say to me, She's like, Oh, I know I've been MIA or this and this and this, and I'm I'm not great at making plans and reaching out and you know, things like this. So I evaluated that. I sat with that and I thought, well, you know, it's just some people don't initiate. Some people just don't, they like to be home or what have you. And then I thought about it. I was like, no, she has initiated before. She has. But she's not doing it anymore. And so I went a step further and I asked myself, well, is it possible that she's in some weird season in her life? Because we do have these seasons that are more challenging than others. And I kind of played with this. I want to encourage you to understand that you have an inner guidance system, you have wisdom, your body is sharing stuff with you, it's telling you things. Your guides, guardians, angels, ancestors, God, whoever you want to call it, is speaking to it to you all the time. And you might be picking up on something. And this doesn't mean necessarily that you need to make a quick change right now or to slam all the doors and tell everybody to heck with you. It just means to look within and sort of prune, just like you would a rose bush or something. Just kind of prune away, like what is really purposeful, what's serving to me, what's not, where do I understand, where do I not? But be careful not to be over-empathetic because you deserve people's time, attention, and energy as equally as you are giving to them. And the last sign that we're gonna bring up, Julie, is you're overwhelmed. Again, just like exhausted, you don't really know why. You're just overwhelmed. And nothing big is happening in your life. There's nothing major that's happening in your life, but you you just feel scattered. And I relate to this again. This was me. I was like, I'm just kind of all over the place. What is going on here? And I didn't relate it to the fact that I was going above and beyond for everybody all the time. It didn't, I didn't know what was happening. I think I blamed it on brain fog at the time. I thought scatteredness. That could have been part of it, maybe. But I really evaluated and I was like, because KB, you're here for everyone, you're doing all the things for all the people. And this is where I had to start learning where the lines were. And it got everything got much better. And like I said, nothing catastrophic happened. We are going to be bringing up Julie.

Julie 13:53

Hello. Do you know I like um I've listened to you a couple of times recently, and you said something that is very British. If you will. When you're thinking of something and you're trying to describe something, you say blah blah blah blah, if you will, and think about it. Uh it's lovely. I love it, and it tickles me. So thank you for that.

Kristen 14:13

Well, remember, I sent you and Terry my ancestry.com, or didn't I send it to you guys? And I'm mostly English. Oh, you can tell.

Julie 14:22

I can tell, you can tell. It's like 98% or something. It was crazy. You are. Um, I was gonna say what I like to think about when I'm interacting with people. The first thing is there is a lady called Julie, but also there's a commodity called Julie as well, and they run parallel to each other. Sometimes Julie enjoys um expressing and giving the commodity of Julie. Okay, sometimes, though, she's only received as a commodity. So I can be doing a thing for somebody, giving my time, you know, giving my um wisdom, my love, whatever it might be, doing you know, doing tasks, listening to somebody or whatever, and it can be seen or received as the commodity of Julie. When I do that a lot, I discover at the end that I'm empty because I'm not um I'm not seen within that the soul, the Julie that I'm talking about, the one that's talking to you, the the the spirit, the essence of Julie is void when the commodity comes out to play. The other thing I wanted to say was interactions of this nature, this giving nature, I see it as a very single-lane bridge. You can constantly get in your vehicle and do the thing and drive over the bridge every time you can drive over the bridge, or you can get people to meet you halfway. See, if you overgive, you don't give anyone a chance to come and meet you halfway to exchange with you, if you will. There it is. So, yeah, so um, yeah, that's quite an important thing. So when you're looking at what you are giving and maybe over giving, just think of yourself as crossing that bridge every time, every time you're going the full length over the bridge, and you're not allowing yourself to receive, and you're not allowing the other person to give either. Comes to that point. I was talking about my son and asking him if he wanted this boat, and he he lived on it, he's been on it for two years now, it's been wonderful. But the one thing he's found by me just giving and then stepping back, he found his own autonomy, his own capability, his own competency, and I think that's the thing when you're giving, sometimes you can overgive, you become a commodity, and you allow codependence to start to come into play, where someone then never acquires the skills for themselves. So, yeah, it's quite interesting. I have had to check myself for going over the bridge quite a few times because I start to feel a little resentful actually, yeah, when I sit there and I realize how much fuel I've put in to get over this bridge every time. You know, so it's kind of important to just pause for a minute and then allow some somebody or the situation to come and meet you halfway. And even then, just check which fuel you're putting in. Are you a commodity or are you a wholesome human being? Which one is it? So, yeah, thanks very, very much for having me up again.

Kristen 18:06

Thank you, Julie. I always appreciate you coming up. Oh, it's a pleasure, it's a pleasure. Thank you. Okay, Julie, everyone, that such a such a beautiful share. And I do love that she brought to this conversation the idea that when we are overgiving and we are overdoing and we are over-accommodating, what we are doing is sometimes cutting people off from their own growth and from their own expansion. Raising my hand, I would raise the other one, but then you probably couldn't hear me. But yes, this is a thing. And this was part of my journey as well is that I'm I'm an extremely efficient person. I get things done, I get it done quickly in a good way. I just, I'm a very efficient person. I don't know why. I think it was just the way I was trained, just probably through doing hair. One thing is staying on a schedule, the other thing was single parenting. Just had to get things done effectively and efficiently if there's not a lot of time or what have you. And what I noticed is that I was doing a lot more than I was not allowing other people to do. And this was on me. This is on me. But I didn't realize it at first because I had done things for so long as a mommy. As a mommy, you're doing things for people who can't do things for themselves yet. But there comes a point when that child does learn to tie their shoe, and then they still come to you and say, Will you tie my shoe? And this is just a simple example. Yeah, I can tie your shoe real fast because we're in a hurry getting out the door. Or you can sit and say, No, you can tie your shoe. You know how. I will sit here with you while you tie your shoe. And then they get better at it and eventually they'll realize, yeah, I don't even have to ask you. I remember my son, this is kind of a family joke. But every time my son went to the restroom number two, he would scream across the house, wipe my butt. And I would just hear him across the house, wipe my butt. And so, you know, when he's first going, he's getting himself into the bathroom and getting up on the little toddler stool and sitting down, getting his pants down. But he wasn't great at that yet. And so, of course, I had to do it in the beginning when he was first potty training and needed me to do that. But over time, I mean, he could have been 35 and I would still be wiping, right? So I was like, not necessarily, you guys, I'm joking. But at some point I said, okay, I want you to do it for me. Let's see what this looks like. See how okay, do it like this. And I trained him, and eventually I stopped getting those calls across the house. But now they're funny. Julie's laughing. If you're a mom, you you know these things, right? So really important topic that, or yes, that Jerry that Julie brought up, that our overgiving can contribute to enabling. It can contribute to disabling. Yes, it can. So again, this is another idea for us to be mindful of, to think about, because we want to free up our own space. And that was a big part of this for me. This journey was I was not being able to do the things that I needed to do or wanted to do for me because I was being too much for everybody else. And so I freed up a lot of space for me to truly take care of myself. Okay, we've got Daryl coming up, and then we have Steven. Welcome, Daryl. Thank you for joining.

Daryl 21:16

Hey, Kristen, how are you? Loved what Julie was saying about the commodity. Like I've never heard that in association with our time and um how she gets to be the two different people, right? And um, I love that. That I think that that's really good when people sort of just uh measure us as a very, very discounted version of what we're trying to really offer in our friendships and advice and things like that. One of the things I was thinking about is um when you know, like, let's say for example, like I know a lot of stuff about computers and technical. Stuff. And sometimes I can find myself in a situation where somebody can't do anything without me like helping them through that situation. And with that, that puts me in this situation where I feel like if I help them, I'm actually hurting them because I'm not pointing them in the direction for them to figure it out on their own. Not to be lazy, not to be a jerk, right? No. But to allow them to find their own answer to their own question so that they can fish right, as they say. So so there's that. And then I've got a friend who is, I don't want to say he's an overgiver, but he's so talented at between carpentry, electronics, you know, like all of these things. And you know, you sort of are saying about how you're the person that comes in and has the cape, cape and the magic wand and just makes things happen, right? When people are so gifted and so talented and have so much about ability, it's very easy for their days to get consumed. Um and and it turns into decades that get consumed. You know what I mean? You're so and so you gotta like really pay attention to that. It's just like, yes, you have the gifts, yes, you have the speed to get things completed, you you have the finer details than some people have, but you have to say to yourself, well, where am I hurting people? Perhaps unintentionally, where am I hurting people by delivering that for them, but yet it um crippling them? Crippling them, yeah. It's you know, I I joke, uh putting my uh stepson to bed years and years ago. I used to call it the worst job in America, not because it is the worst job in America, but it was the worst job in America because I felt like every single time I did it, it was hurting him because he wasn't going to bed on his own without me being right sitting right there. And that's what was running through my head every single time that happened. I was like, I'm holding this young man back because I'm there, always being that comfort for him to fall asleep, right? And it's like a conduct, it's a conundrum because you want to be there. Yeah, you want to support him, you know, and make him feel safe and all of these things. But yet on the other side, you're like, I'm holding him back. It's and it's just like it hurts almost inside that you see that happening in front of your face, you know, and you know better.

Kristen 24:40

Well, you're bringing up such a great topic because I've had that more times than I can tell you as a parent. Oh my gosh, where I was like, at some point, this child needs to handle their own anxiety or self-soothe or find their own answer or make the phone call or whatever it was. And I remember you're right, it does hurt to push them through that so that they can get there. But man, that's how we teach them to thrive in the world. That's how they become high high-functioning adults. But yeah, it doesn't feel good sometimes, does it?

Daryl 25:09

No, and it was so like, you know, it was so painful to hear him so upset if I couldn't do it. And it's just like, so you're in three different directions, you know it's not working. And I like a winnable situation. So when it's breaking in three different directions, that's not good, right? So um, and you're trying, you know, it looks on the surface like, oh, it's so cute, you're putting him to bed. It's you know, but he's 15. You know what I mean?

Kristen 25:40

Daryl, you're the best. Thank you so much, Daryl. Oh my gosh. This is making me think about one of my loved ones who has a crew of people under them. No, it's not my husband, it's one of my other loved ones that manages people. My eldest daughter, and she's just I call her the CEO. I mean, she's such a capable, amazing person, and she's got answers and she's resourceful, and then she's there, and she's smart as a DAC, and she she could run the world. She's amazing. And she'd be like, Mom, my crew, I don't know what else to call her, they're not her employees, but you know, she's manages this crew. And she said, Mom, they call me all the time and text me for the same thing and the same thing. I'm sorry, I just don't remember what this is, what this is. And she would always be answering. So she's not only doing her job, but she was always, I knew you'd relate to the starrel. She was always answering them too. And she said, Is it mean to just tell them to figure it out? And I said, No, babe, you've given them the answer how many times? There's other people that are in the equal job roles that they are that they can reach out to. So she was just doing everything for everybody, and it was burning her out and it was stressing her out, and she was getting to the place where she didn't like her job. And then a whole bunch of things moved and changed, and she had some boundaries in certain areas. And then not too long after this was going on, she messaged me and she's like, I really love my job again. And I was like, Great. So it's important for us to understand really where are we showing up? I don't care how capable we are. Like Daryl said, we could be the Mac daddy or the Mac mommy expert in whatever field it is, and it's easy for us. Yes, it is, but yet are we giving those people the opportunity? Wow, great sidebar here brought to this conversation. I super appreciate that that we were talking about this. This is just one of those problems, conundrums, challenges that some of us have in this life, but it's something that is not serving us and it's actually hurting us. So it is very important to learn the pieces and parts about this so that we can take in the information that we need that might help us to choose differently in a way that is better serving for your highest good. And remember, when you choose things for your highest good that are rooted in love, capital L love, they're always for the good of everybody else. So when I started saying no to things and started to not enable in places and not pick up that text or that phone call the second that it came through, there was times when people had reached out to me and just the 911, oh my God, Kristen, I need your help, but that all these things. And I created space and I would continue to do what I would do because I would pick up my phone and fire back. It was just no matter what I was doing. And now I would get intentional. Is this something you want to get into right now? Because you're in the middle of this project that's going to take you off course, get you out of flow. Okay, no, I will wait. So it was because of love of me. And then I would reach back to the person that'd say, Oh, it's okay, I figured it out. Ding, ding, ding. I started thinking, oh my God, why do I think I have to be everybody's savior when I really don't? The people can actually figure these things out for themselves sometimes. Welcome back, Daryl.

Daryl 28:59

You know, I had to come back up. For some reason, it spurred me to think about what you were saying earlier. You kind of hinted around it. It's us as these biological systems have this need to be witnessed and seen, right? And I think sometimes when we're looking for recognition for our contribution to somebody else or in service to somebody else, and you're you're kind of expecting that reciprocity, you're expecting the natural thing to normally happen, but then it doesn't, right? And then you feel like, oh God, why did I do that? Why do I feel so burnt out? Why do I feel these kinds of ways? And then, like, if you take a little bit of a step back, because we're talking about here today, and this is the great thing about Noom Vibe, I think, is that it gives us a chance to think about it. It's like, well, wait a second, am I playing victim? No. Myself for being darn human and wanting to be seen and witnessed, yes. And if that's the case, like if it's just me needing to be seen and witnessed, that's a totally natural drive. That is not a victim play. And so if that's the case, it's like, well, what is really missing here? What can I actually do without blaming or shaming myself or you know, uh that the other person's a horrible human because they didn't recognize what uh is is uh just needing a little bit of tender loving care inside this organic system of mine. And like, hmm, where is the gap? Like, where is the gap? Because if my service didn't get the pat on the back at a girl, at a boy, whatever, uh what is it that I should be filling my cup with right now? Mm-hmm.

Kristen 30:50

So it sounds like it could be sometimes for people that we're doing things to get the accolades rather than filling our own cup. Is that what you're saying, Daryl?

Daryl 31:02

Yeah, or just being seen. Do you know what I mean? Just being recognized for contribution to another being, right? Uh being just getting that that love projected back to us that we want so badly to just come naturally, but it's not happening the way sometimes we need in this busy world, right? The world is busy, everybody's doing their own thing, everybody's focused on their own world. And we can only control what we can control. So for you know, anybody in general, they may do the service, right? Because it's an immediate thing. Okay, there's one thing that Stephen brought up is like maybe this happens more with moms. Moms have a ton that they have to do for their, you know, their worlds and their lives and their children's responsibilities and things like that that just ends up falling on the mom, right? It doesn't have to, but it just does a lot of times. And that's a different situation. But when you were talking about the friends, or you were talking about uh the reciprocity and things like that, you think about what is it there that is a completely natural love language kind of need that you have. It's not a malformity, it's not like you know, you're playing victim, you know, it's just like you just need to be witnessed, yeah, and to be appreciated and to be seen.

Kristen 32:22

Yes, absolutely. Sometimes that's all it takes, too. Sometimes that's all it takes. When I I spoke about that earlier, I'm not sure if you were on. That when someone just says, Oh, thank you, and hangs up, that's one thing. When someone says, you know what, thank you so much for this. I know that you're super busy and whatever, and I really appreciate ba-bah ba-ba-ba. You feel like, okay. But I do want to throw in the disclaimer that if we're doing it just to get those hits, then we're looking outside of ourselves for the love approval and validation that we need to be giving to ourselves. So there is a line there too. It's like being appreciated is one thing, but being using it as our our drug, if you will, is not okay.

Daryl 33:03

Yeah, I I I like that delineation. I mean, but I talk about this a lot. Just I think that we're really hard on ourselves as human beings. Um we we have these needs, and these needs don't make us wrong to have these needs. You know what I mean?

Kristen 33:22

No, it doesn't. Absolutely not. No, there are healthy needs. There are healthy needs. And one of the healthy needs is that we are seen and that we belong and that we are appreciated and we're valued for what we show up with. Like that's that's part of being in community, that that's part of being part of the group and knowing that your place in this group matters. It's a good thing. And it fills the soul and it fills the heart and it keeps us showing up from a good place. I had someone in my life that was not really appreciating anything that I was doing. And I was doing some good and amazing things for this person. You know, every once in a while, at first they weren't saying thank you at all. But then they sort of went through their own metamorphosis, their own healing and up leveling and evolution. And now it's like, no matter what I do, this person's like, thank you, thank you so much. I just want you to know how much I appreciate you. So let's throw another curveball into this mix that sometimes people are so caught up in their own, I'm gonna call it hell. They're so caught up in their own minds, in their own stories, in their own anxieties that they can't see beyond the nose on their face. They don't really see you because they're so clouded over. And again, this is where we have to be discerning and say, you know what, this person really can't see me. So do I want to keep going above and beyond for this person over and over again when I'm not gonna be seen, I'm not gonna be recognized, I'm not gonna be appreciated at all. Do I do I want to keep doing the things that I am doing because this is a lot and for to get zero return? And again, there's so many disclaimers here, you guys. It's not that we're doing this to get the return. It's unhealthy for us to do things just to get the accolades. I'm gonna tell you right now, I'm gonna do all these things because I want everybody to tell me how amazing I am. No, no, no, no, no. You're outsourcing your self-worth. That's not it. But there is this degree of I appreciate you and what you're doing. That is amazing. Thank you so much. And here's the thing is it really only takes 10 seconds. 20 seconds? How long does it really take to say to somebody, you know what? I really take my daughter the other day, she went with me to my mother-in-law's house. She had volunteered, she's so Kristen. She said, Mom, I'll help you pack. So uh we were gonna pack. She wasn't taking a lot of stuff because she was moving house into apartment. And she goes, I'll help you pack. I'm like, really? Because a lot of people don't want to do that. And then, you know, help you unpack on Sunday. And I said, Cool. That day we had driven up to Home Depot because we needed some more boxes. And after we had gotten in the car leaving Home Depot, we hadn't left the parking lot yet, but I looked at her, I grabbed her arm and I was like, not hard but soft. And I said, Thank you, thank you, thank you. I must have thanked her probably 40 times. And she just looking at me and she's smiling, she's like, It's okay. And I got tears in my eyes, and I'm like, Thank you. And I couldn't stop, and she was like, Mom, it's okay. I'm like, no, you don't understand. I'm so grateful. You know, how do you think that made her feel? What it took all of 30 seconds, but I was speaking from my heart, and I just kept telling her thank you. And then, of course, her husband ended up showing up. So funny calling him that. They're you're married now. It's they were boyfriend, girlfriends for a long time, like eight, 10 years. I don't know. And um, it's weird calling him husband now, but I'm so glad. I'm so glad I love him so much. And in this particular area, I think you're just good at this. Oh my gosh. You know, that's reciprocity. That's saying, I see you, I appreciate you, my heart is open, my eyes are open, I know what you're doing. I know you took the time to be here, I know you didn't have to do this. It's super good. So we're gonna move on to in this last little bit the steps, the steps to move out of overgiving. And again, there's play in here. There's some play in here. It's not everything is black and white. This is just ideas and thoughts for you to ruin uh roll around in, kind of just sort of roll around in that little sandbox and see what feels good to you, see what feels feels right for you. But step one is to get in touch with how you're feeling mentally, emotionally, physically, and describe and name the feelings. Go within and say, you know what, I'm exhausted, I'm overwhelmed, I don't feel like anybody cares about me. I am too busy, I don't have time for me, whatever it might be for you. Just get in touch with what I am feeling. Remember, I give talks on here all the time about body tells and emotional tells. That's what emotions are. They're telling us something, they're cluing us into something. What am I feeling? I'm overwhelmed, I'm resentful, I'm bitter, I'm mad, blah, blah, blah. Whatever it might be. All right. That is step one. And step two is to decide. This is how easy it is, you guys. Decide you want better for yourself. That's step two. Decide I want better. You know what? I don't like all these feelings that I'm feeling. I know that I'm a powerful human being. I am sovereign. I get to make choices for myself. I have that agency. I get to decide here. And in that moment, you decide that you matter, your well-being matters, your heart matters, your time matters, and your energy matters. Decide that you want to feel appreciated and valued and not used and taken for granted. Most importantly, understand that this entire experience is in your hands. It's not in the hands of the other people. People are gonna people. People keep peopling, people keep doing who they are. We don't know where they're at. We just need to pay attention to the self. We need to return back, pull in some of those fractured pieces, pull them back to self and say, I don't like the way this feels. I want better for myself. I matter too. I know how I want to feel with people. And then you get to make choices and decisions that align with your highest good and well-being. This is where the rubber hits the road. That is step two. Dinga, so glad you are here. Welcome up. Hello.

Dinga 39:17

I'm just gonna add a different twist to this, and it goes back to when my children were in grade school, and a lot of the parents basically counted on me, which I did not know it at the time, but they counted on me to present the authorities like the principal or the teachers with their problems. Oh wow. Didn't know it at the time until one of the parents, a friend of mine, had said, Well, we tell you because we know you'll do something about it. Wow. I realized at that point I'm not saying anymore unless it affects my children. Like I can only advocate for my child, not other child uh other children. Yeah, and it was total wake up.

Kristen 40:05

What?

Dinga 40:06

But I I honor that and and I did appreciate the people. I like your talk that I did appreciate the people appreciating me, but didn't know the ulterior motive that it was because I accomplished things.

Kristen 40:21

Yeah. Isn't there a rule of thumb that says if you want something done, give it to the busiest person?

Dinga 40:27

True. I I know it now. I do know it now, but yeah. But it's but interesting.

Kristen 40:32

That's so great. I love this example, Dinga. Thank you for coming up with that because this is a prime example of where someone sees the efficiency and effectiveness of an under another individual. So instead of doing it themselves, they go the easy route. Here, I'm just gonna go give this to Dinga. And then Dinga goes and does it. And then you start to realize, you know what? I'm always the messenger. And it's not easy being the messenger, and it's not necessary that you're always the messenger when there's all these other capable messengers as well. So kudos to you, sister. Thank you. Thank you, everybody. You're welcome. That's a great example. Thank you so much for bringing that up. I love that. Okay, I'll drop you down, Ding. You're welcome. Okay. All right, let's move into step three, which is to interrupt the pattern. And this is it's the pause, you guys. It's practicing the pause that I talk about all day long till the cows come home, till the sun rises and sets, till the ponds and lakes fill up and dry up and everything else. Practicing the pause. Practice the pause. Ask yourself questions. Pause before you decide. Pause before you speak. Pause before you say yes. Pause before responding to invitations and texts. Pause before when someone says, I need you right now. Like I was saying with that 911 text that I got multiple times from many people. And I started pausing and saying, you know what? Is this a good time for me? When I tell you I'm recovering from this, I'm not joking. This is in my not so distant past. It was something that I didn't even realize I was doing to the capacity that I was doing because I am efficient, because I am good at things, because I get things done. But when it started to affect me on the level that it did, that's when I finally realized, hmm, something's here. So practice that pause. When you get those 911 texts, say you're not a real 911. Okay, we all know. Let me throw in that disclaimer, someone's having a real emergency. We know what to do. Of course, respond. But you know those, I need you right now. My boss said something mean to me. Or I need you right now because this happened or that happened or the other thing happened. Pause and say, is this really an emergency? You know these people too. That's the key here. We know these people. We know what's a real emergency and what's not a real emergency, but they want you now because they're used to having you now. I trained them all, you guys. I trained them all. And I had to detrain them. I had to train them in a different way. And so I said, no, I can't right now. I'll answer them back. I've got 15 minutes more on this task or project or thing that I'm doing, and then I will respond back. And what I noticed is a lot of times they figured it out. They needed an answer now. If they don't go to you, they'll go to somebody else. They will find their answer somehow, somehow. But what you're doing here is you're still available for them. You're just doing it with limits. That's all. And then when you do show up to them, because when I do show up to those people, I'm you got me. I'm locked and loaded. I'm all ears, I'm listening, I'm present with you. And I also decided that I would rather do that, give them my full undivid undivided attention than give them these little quick little blips of something just because I was busy or something that even if it wasn't a quick blip, I, you know, messaged more back, like a couple of paragraphs or something. My heart, my whole being and essence and presence wasn't. In it because I was trying to squeeze it in. And I decided that wasn't very loving to the other people. So I said, okay, I'm going to take the time to wait until I have the time. And that was super purposeful. Okay, we're bringing up truth. I love that y'all are coming up to this conversation today. Thank you so much. This has been so meaty and juicy.

Truth 44:21

Hey truth. Hey, Kristen. I've been in and out for the conversation today. I haven't been able to stay for all of it, but it's a great time. And it is one where, like, this is definitely one of those things that like it's the onion, it's the layers. It's like I'll get through a layer and then another layer will come up. Um, I think this is like definitely one of those. And I see where the overgiving, it like you were talking about, it used to be the validation. It used to be my like reason for existence that like showed I was worthy, that showed that I meant something, to get like the praise from everyone and to get all of those things when I didn't love myself and when my self-esteem was super low, like that's what kept me going. And then once I was able to kind of like move past that, I'm kind of like at I I see myself going back and forth. It's a little yo-yo-y with this one. Um, and it gets kind of hard sometimes because sometimes I don't want this to sound bad, but it's like sometimes I know that like things will be better if I just go ahead and do it and show up and help. I understand that rather than drawing my boundaries. And oftentimes, like, kind of I have some events coming up and it's a situation where it's like, I know that my boss doesn't have the time to like recruit all of the volunteers and organize them in the best way that's going to make everything the most efficient so that we can do our jobs easily. And so I'm kind of like in this place where it's like, now I've put myself in this position where I've offered to help, but I don't get it paid for advancing work. But I also know that my life will be a lot easier if we have our full roster of volunteers that are like have been vetted, that we know references have been checked and they're gonna be great. But also I don't get paid for that. And so, like, I, you know, this is like a quandary where I'm kind of like, okay, I know this is helpful. I probably should have said, no, that's not my job. I know there's not more in the budget. So now, like, I'm at this crossroads where it's like I have to decide do I want to let everyone learn the lesson the hard way? And then maybe some budget will be created for me to do that in the future, whatever. You know, there's so many different options. But at the end of the day, me just volunteering myself is me doing a disservice to myself because I'm not drawing a boundary, I'm not valuing myself, and I'm kind of like going back to the like, oh, everybody's gonna be so grateful when it goes great. And that's enough.

Kristen 47:16

And are they though? That's the question. Do you ever get any when you do that, when you stay in the parts that you're not getting paid and you do all the things so everything goes smoothly? Does that come back to you in a positive way or is it just make your life easier? I'm just curious about your personal experience with that.

Truth 47:32

Um I think a little bit of both. Um, in the past, it's definitely like all of the extras that I used to do would definitely come back with like a lot of praise and validation, which is why I kept doing them. Um, but now that like I don't need that piece anymore, it's kind of like, oh wait, so like, why am I actually doing this? And one of my old bosses used to ask me, like, as I was like basically martyring myself for the situation, she's like, why? Like, she's like, This is so unhealthy for you. She's like, Why do you still even do this? And I'm like, for the love, for the blah, blah, blah. And it's like, no, at the end of the day, when I got really honest and started doing my work, it was for the validation and it was to feel worthy because I didn't have that within myself and I had to seek it from outside of myself. And so yeah, I think it, I think it is a little bit of both in this situation. And at the end of the day, the reality is my life and my job on site will be so much easier if I do have solid people. You know, it's just like a quandary that I have to figure out how to find a middle ground and where that boundary is. And I'm probably not gonna do it perfect this time, but maybe I can figure out how I can do it better next time.

Kristen 48:48

Gosh, it makes such perfect sense. That is such a great example. Thank you for bringing this up, Truth.

Truth 48:53

Yeah, for sure. Have a wonderful day. Thank you, you two.

Kristen 48:58

Thank you. Huge what Truth was talking about. How many can relate to that? I know I can. Daryl was sending up some claps. I wasn't looking at my phone the whole time, but uh, I can relate to that. There's just some things that I do better. Like we I've talked about planning, planning and execute executing my mother-in-law's move. You know, that's I'm really, really good at this. However, I'm the I'm the mother in law, I'm I'm the daughter-in-law. Like I could have left it to the boys, the the two sons, my husband and his brother, but I'm really, really good at this. And it would make it so much more smooth. And I had the time and I had the space and I planned it out, and it was good. I don't even feel exhausted from last weekend at all, to be honest with you guys. That's how smooth it was. But there is some time, especially when it comes to a work environment. You know what? If I just do the thing, it's gonna be easier for everybody, but especially myself. But hey, I'm not getting paid. Truth's co-worker worker said, This is so unhealthy for you. That's the quote unquote word she said. So where's the line? And that's why she said it's a little yo-yo-y. That's one of the first things she said. It's a little up, it's a little down, it's a little right, a little left. What do I do? Where am I in? When where am I in? Where am I out? Like what? Like I said, there's play in all of that. When I say play, I'm thinking about old steering wheels. Do you remember when cars had played, they called it play in the wheel, where they're the steering wheel would move a little bit before you'd actually get to that place where the steering wheel would start to turn. You know, there's play in here. We just need to work with it, to play with it, to try new things, to investigate, to ask ourselves. Because in that type of situation, I'm putting myself in that situation that truth's in, for a while, it just might be better based on where I'm at that I do the thing to make it easier for myself. But then there might come a time in my healing and evolution and growth where I'm like, nope, I don't really care anymore. Do you see what I'm saying? So no one can really tell you where you're at. Only you can tell you where you're at. And this is why we have to be so honest with ourselves and open with ourselves. Okay, and step four, which is the last step, is, and this is mostly regarding ri relationships, close relationships, is to match energy and effort. So those who put effort in and energy towards you will get more of you. And those who don't won't. With one of my friendships, I'll call her Sheila, I did all the reaching out, all the invites, and she never did. And I can truly say the word never. I was in a counselor's office once and they said, Kristen, you say never and always. And I was like, Oh, I do. So I'm now mindful about never and always, but in this particular case, I can say never because she didn't. So it's not a gross overstatement, it's fact. And she would also say yes to all the invites that I did, but then she would cancel last minute. Now I didn't take this personally, all right? I'm in a place where I'm like, people are doing what people are doing. But over time I noticed that I didn't like the way this felt, that it wasn't good for me, and there was other places that I could spend my time because I wasn't getting anything back. There was no energy being matched other than an occasional comment on an Instagram post or something, like, oh, this is a good one, or something like that. That's all I was getting. So I stopped doing it. And guess what happened? The relationship just started to fade away. But then there are other relationships where I stopped doing all the things and I decided just to match effort for effort. Then I want to really disclaim here, you guys, this is not tit for tat. This is not ego. This is energy preservation. So if you're in the idea of, well, I'm gonna get them back, that's not what we're doing here. We want to act from our highest self, from our the level of love. This is not about ego, it's not about being right, it's not about I'm gonna get you, I'm gonna show you, none of that. This is about I'm taking care of me, I'm loving me. And so when there was other people that I did that with, they upped their game a little bit. And I was like, oh, okay. So they started reaching out. Sometimes we're doing all the things other people don't need to. That's important too. If we're constantly reaching out to people, making plans, doing things, well, they don't need to because we're doing it. So just practice this, try, play around with it. I had another friend who I will call Maggie, and she only reached out to me when she was struggling in some capacity. I briefly touched on this. I may I would make a point to schedule it, even if I didn't have the time, like I can't talk now, but I can tonight at this amount, this time. And then I was there for her completely. I even would tell the family, hey guys, I'm gonna have a call with Maggie, blah, blah, blah. But when I reached out to her and said, Hey, can I bounce something off of you? I'm going through something. Half the time she'd take the call, half the time she wouldn't. But if she did, she wasn't there with me. She didn't listen. I would hear all this bumping around in the background and all these things that she was doing, which people can multitask. I get that. When people need to talk to me, I will say, Yes, I can talk to you, but I'm gonna be making my lunch and probably eating my lunch or whatever. They're like, Oh, that's fine. I'm still listening though, but I'm doing those things. But she would do those things and she would do these weird, uh-huh, mm-hmm, uh-huh. And they were in those strangest parts in the conversation, and I know that's not her. And I was like, She ain't listening to me. And then she would say something that was not on topic. She would just kind of throw something in that didn't make sense, and I started, and she's an extremely brilliant person, she's very intelligent, she's articulate beyond. I knew she wasn't listening. And so I started to feel weird about this. I was like, you know, I go above and beyond listening to her, but she wasn't doing it with me. And I just decided, you know what? She's not my person. So I stopped reaching out for my things. And then, you know, that relationship sort of fizzled out, and that's okay. I also want to bring up in case people are single, that matching energy and effort in in dating is critical. Many women will go above and beyond because they're in a place of neediness and desperation. An unhealthy person, a person who wants an overgiver, an over-pleaser, is gonna lap that up. They're gonna be so happy because they found you. They're gonna think they hit the jackpot because you're doing all the work. You're they're not having to do anything. But a healthy person is going to be turned off because they're going to recognize the needy energy. Isn't that interesting? I have worked with people through this because I do a lot of consulting and coaching and mentoring in the dating field. And they're there, this is the type of stuff that we need to dig into. If somebody is like, you know, that's kind of exhibiting dating energy or needy energy. I had someone reach out to me the other day, actually, it was probably a couple weeks by now, and that person was like, Oh, I met this person and this and that. And it's been like two days, three days since they met them, and they're and this person said to me, they're ghosting me. I said, No, they can't be ghosting you, you just met them. And I said, How much are you reaching out to them? And they said, quite a bit. But I told them that I would, and I and they said, That's fine. I said, No, there's an energy that's accompanying that, and they're sensing it, and they're pushing away from you because you're pushing into them. Many people can feel when we are seeing them as our source or have desperate energy moving towards them. Please understand that. No matter how cool we act, no matter how collected we act, no matter how rico suave we're being, they sense it. They know. All right, just keep that in mind. Match energy. If the person reaches out to you, you respond back to them. You might ask them a question, they ask you a question, you keep the conversation going. But if you reach out to them, you don't hear from them. Do not reach out again. You're trying to learn who these people are. One of the things I say all the time is that you do not need to audition for people. This is not you going in there and putting on a big old show hoping that you're gonna win this person. You're the director that's sitting in the chair with your fingers on your chin going, hmm, that little hmm emoji. That's what's serving. The best place to be is paying attention to them. Match energy, show up, be excited, but don't overdo. Okay, I do want to throw in a little disclaimer here, and that is to understand that sometimes people are in difficult seasons or periods in their life of overwhelm. And they may not be able to match our energy and effort for whatever reason. We do know this. If these people are close to us, we know what they're going through. And I would hope that you would understand that at this time, this might be where your energy goes to them. But you want to be sure that when you're going through that, that their energy comes to you. Okay. We just we're looking to get past this lopsided relationship scenario that many of us have experienced, which I queen of that. I was queen of it. And now I'm just to the point where I'm like, you know what? I'm gonna match energy. People who appreciate me, they're gonna show up. People who value me, they're gonna show up. People are gonna reach out to me. I also understand people's lives. I also understand what they're doing, what their jobs are, what their family situations are like. And I know that some people can respond to me lickety split, and some people can't. And I extend that grace to them as equally as I would hope that they was that they extend that grace to me, that we can get there and sometimes we can't. When you start to match energy and effort with people, what you're gonna do is if people really value you, they're gonna miss you and they're gonna be like, hey, where you've been? If you're filling in all the all the potholes and blanks and voids and whole in the relationship, you're doing all the calling, all the reaching out, all the stuff, then they don't have an opportunity to miss you because you're just blowing them up all the time. I'm not saying that's a bad thing. Okay, if that's you're a really talkative person and you do that, that's fine. But again, like I said, if you're someone who really notices this lopsided dynamic that's happening, when you pull back and you start just matching effort, sometimes that makes that person miss you. And then they're like, wait a minute, where has Susie been? I haven't heard from Susie in a while. Well, they haven't missed you because you are constantly reaching out to them. And then they reach out to you because they care and they want, they want to see what's up with you and they keep the conversation going, and it's not just all about them. Well, you know what's happening there. And this matching energy and effort thing is really about noticing how the other person responds or reacts with this. Okay, sometimes they realize they've been taking you for granted and they learn to appreciate you. And sometimes they're just gonna fade away. And you know what? Both are wins. You're winning in both capacities. If you have somebody that's not truly valuing you, let them float away. It's okay. Because that that if you're valuing valuing yourself and your energy has upgraded, guess what happens? Universe fills that void with somebody who's going to value you. I want to give a shout out to all the guests who came up today. You guys really made this a very impactful and meaningful conversation, brought in so many different aspects of this ideas, thoughts, experiences, your wisdom around it. And I hope that you listeners got a little inspiration or a little motivation, just maybe some food for thought to work on your overgiving. If you're an overgiver, this does not mean that we stop giving. I want you to see overgiving on a continuum. So put a zero in the middle, and way out on the left is overgiving, and way out on the right is selfishness. But right smack in that middle is the healthy level of giving and receiving. That's where we're in the right place. So if we're way over on the left, this is about moving more towards the center, moving more towards what's healthy, what's in balance, what helps you thrive, where can you give love and receive love and give effort and receive effort so that you feel good. There's one thing I have noticed when I have changed things in my life that were rooted in love of Kristen. I mean love of Kristen, capital L love of Kristen. Not selfishness, not I'm gonna show you, no ego involved. Everything always worked out. It is fascinating to me how when we apply Capital L love to situations, it's always for the highest good for everybody concerned. So just keep that in mind. Thanks for being here, everybody. Remember, you matter. You matter, you matter. It's time to make yourself matter. Much love, and I'll see you tomorrow.