How to Love Yourself the REAL and RIGHT Way for Inner Transformation

Are you practicing self-love but still feel like something is missing? 

Have you read the books, said the affirmations, done the journaling and yet you're not feeling any better? 

Are you starting to wonder if self-love is just another pop trend that might work for some people but not for others?

I promise it's not. Self-love has likely not worked because of how you've been taught. 

Most of what the world calls self-love barely scratches the surface. It looks good on a poster but it doesn't penetrate in the places that make a difference. 

In this episode you'll learn:

🔑 What love actually is — not just an emotion, but an energy and a state of being that reorganizes everything it touches

🔑 What self-love is not — and why so many people are practicing a version that keeps them stuck

🔑 How self-love literally rewires your brain so your choices, relationships, and outer world begin to reflect your true worth 👈🏼 THIS THIS THIS!

🔑 The 5 Self-Love Tenets that reset your internal foundation of self-worth and how to practice them

🔑 Why healing never comes from self-hatred and how a gentle shift toward love changes everything

This isn't theory. This is over a decade of lived experience, profound transformation, neuroscience, and spiritual truth all wrapped into practical steps you can start today.

Because self-love is the miracle cure.

Note: If you'd like to skip to the 5 Self-Love Tenets, go to Chapters.

For FREE Resources, 📖 Book Link, 📝 Quizzes, 👚 Self-Love Merch Shop, 🗣️ 1:1 Mentoring and more: https://www.linktr.ee/kristenbrownauthor

Transcript

Kristen 0:00

Hello, you cheeky little seekers, earth angels, and sacred rebels. Welcome to Self-Healing with KB, where we talk about how to heal our inner worlds to attract and create our most desired outer world through universal truths, profound perception shifts, neuroscience, spirituality, and practical steps to help you reclaim your true worth and personal power. Today we are diving into loving yourself back to your whole and complete self, the essence of who you came here as, how self-love heals the relationship with yourself, and how self-love changes the infrastructure of your brain so that you respond to life through a filter of your true worth and value. Many of us have heard, just through life, maybe through our religion of choice or just through spirituality in general, that love is the answer. And there's even been songs created about around this. And what I have learned on my own experience is self-love really is the miracle cure. Anything that we apply love to, and I'm talking about capital L, true, unconditional love will heal. There's no question about this. I've experimented with this concept for, my gosh, over 15 years now, and the evidence keeps compiling. It keeps growing. Not once have I ever discovered anything to the contrary. Love heals. Love heals relationships. Love heals the body. Love heals our self-worth. Love changes the environment inside of us. And when the internal environment changes, healing becomes possible. Most often people will think of love as just an emotion, just something they're feeling. But love is truly an energy and it is a state of being. When we approach something, anything in our life with genuine love, compassion, patience, understanding, and presence, we stop attacking it. We remove the filter. We stop resisting it. And we stop abandoning it. And that alone begins to change the outcome. Love heals our self-worth because so much low self-worth comes from internalized rejection and criticism and abandonment, comparison, or conditional acceptance. I'll be okay when, or if I have this, then I'll be okay, then I'll be better, then I'll be acceptable, then I'll be worthy. Many people speak to themselves in ways that they would never speak to someone they love. I'm raising my hand on that one. I was heinous to myself until I stopped, and then things started to change. But when we begin meeting ourselves with compassion instead of judgment, patience instead of punishment, and understanding instead of shaming or blaming or acting like we're the villain, something profound happens. We stop becoming our own source of harm, and we become our own safe space. And that's the space that we heal. Transformation and healing cannot, will not ever happen through self-hatred and self-loathing. Transformation, healing, personal growth, and evolution will not and cannot happen through self-hatred. We might be able to bully ourselves into something, but it's unsustainable. It doesn't stick. It happens when we approach ourselves with love. Love is the one of the most regulating, organizing, and restorative forces we can experience as human beings. And perhaps this is why so many spiritual traditions and healing modalities and even modern nervous system research keep arriving at the same conclusions, the same similar truths. Although they're all spoken in different vernaculars, they're all expressed differently. But if you pay attention out in the world and you look around and you're consuming helpful and positive media that's out there, you're going to notice this. It's one of the things that I noticed because when I started this journey for myself, I would have never called it a healing journey. I just knew I didn't want that anymore, and I wanted something different. That's it. That was all I knew. I didn't have a teacher, I didn't have a mentor. But I started to apply certain things to myself, and things started to change. And then I started to hear it from some of the biggest neuroscience in the scientists in the world. All of these things started to come together, and I was like, wow, I'm not crazy. There's truth to this. This changed me. And it changed me in a way that I never even knew I needed to change. I thought I was okay. I'm a good human being. I get great morals. I kept attracting the same BS over and over again, but I just thought it was the luck of the draw. I thought if I kept pulling from the deck of cards, eventually I was going to pull some kings and some queens, but it never happened. Many of us are looking for love outside of ourselves. And when we are looking for others to fill that space, we may get it momentarily. It might come in and it might feel good for a second. But if you've noticed, if you've paid attention, and maybe you can do this going forward, you will see that it's fleeting and it's unsustainable, which always leaves us grasping for more, accepting crumbs, compromising our sacred selves, our morals, and our values, which perpetuates this void inside. Yes, it's good to be loved. Yes, it's great to be in a safe environment, but nobody, nobody has the power to heal your self-worth but you. We are the ones. You are the one. I am the one. We're the only one who has this power. And some point along my journey, I realized I had been seeking for love, approval, acceptance, attention, validation outside myself. I was changing and morphing and shifting and wearing masks and trying to become who I was not, i.e., all of this means people pleasing. I was over-accommodating. I wouldn't hold a boundary. I was unconsciously or subconsciously afraid of losing people. And a big one for me was not being liked. I thought I have to do all of these things to fit in, to belong, to have people want to be around me. And it was completely false. Many people are doing this and they don't even know it. And once I started to feel the effects, the positive, empowering, uplifting, lens-changing, magnificent effects of self-love, I couldn't believe what I was seeing, feeling, experiencing, and the way I was acting and showing up in the world. I became a cleaner, clearer version of myself, the same Christian, the same likes and dislikes, but I was more willing to honor those. Nothing dramatic changes inside of us when we learn to love ourselves in the way of I'm afraid I'll become a different person. Well, you become a different person, but you're the upgraded one. You've installed an upgrade, self-love. And it changes everything. You become more willing to speak up, to share your opinions, to set and maintain boundaries, to follow your passions, to walk into rooms and feel like you belong there rather than wanting to hide in the corner. Things that you didn't even know were possible because you've lived with the opposite for so long. You might even have said to yourself, This is just who I am, as many people do. It is who you are thus far, with the filter of the beliefs that came from the traumas and dramas and experiences of your past. We don't know. I didn't know. I had no idea what I was doing. I just knew what I had experienced was no longer acceptable for me. I couldn't put myself through it anymore, nor could I put my children through it. And I vowed to remain single and celibate for quote unquote as long as it took. Did I have an end in sight? No. Did I have a goal? No. Did I say one year, six years, ten years? Nope. I had no idea. I just knew that I had hit that bottom that I was not gonna experience again. And if that meant being single for the rest of my life, well then so be it. As it turned out, that wasn't the case. Because the things that I started to practice with myself started to change me. And I remember the first time that I saw this. I was walking into my mother's house because at this point, my children and I had moved in with my mother and stepfather. And, you know, you know how you are when you walk in the house, you get the bag and the this and the stuff. Maybe you stopped at the store. And this is back in the days of the StarTack phone. It was a flip phone, and I had a little holder on my waistband, and that's where I would keep it. And I walked into the house, and this guy who I had had a brief fling with, if you will, who said he loved me and I loved him and all this, he came and he went. Long story there. You can read in my book, The Recovering People Pleaser. The guy that I had been obsessing over, that so desperately I was like clinging to, hoping that he would, quote, change his mind and decide that I was a wonderful human being, the best thing he'd ever met and want to be with me. We had been broken up for quite some time. But you know, there was an occasional text message or something. And in the beginning, after the breakup, when he would message me, oh my gosh, I was on that thing like a bee on a flower. I was like, oh, I'm yeah. What can I do to get him to see me? What can I do, see me like physically in person? What can I do to change his mind about me? What can I do? How can I show up? Doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot. The programming went on in my head. But this time, my phone rang, I think it was a text, and I stopped and I opened it, and I saw that it was from him. Without a thought, any conscious thought, I just shut my phone, I put it back on my waistband and kept walking. And then I stopped, cold in my tracks, holding all the crap I was holding. No one was around, no one saw this. And I said, Oh my God, what just happened? You didn't text him back, you didn't even care that he texted you. What happened? And this thought came into my head, you know your worth now. You're living your worth now. And that's when everything cracked open to me because gone was the needy Kristen, gone was the desperate Kristen, gone was the girl that thought that this man had to love me for me to feel whole, for me to feel important, for me to feel special, for me to feel safe. That was a big part of this whole story, but I didn't know that. I had this unconscious thing going on because my whole world had been ripped apart. And then he came in and he was fun and we we laughed a lot. He was he was you know a good guy for all practical purposes. But my body, my mind was like, this is your safety, this is your security. Glom on. That's a sidebar. I've talked about that before. And it is in my book. That's in my book, too, so you guys could check that out if you don't know that story yet. At that moment, something clicked in me. I said, What happened? What did I do? What has changed here? And then I started to go through the list about the things that I have done. And those later became my five self-love tenets that I will share with you all. But the first thing that I did is I made a decision that I was going to treat myself the way I treated everybody else. I'm honest, I'm kind, I speak gently to people, I'm supportive, I'm loving, I'm respectful, but I wasn't treating myself that way. And there was a moment that this actually happened, came into this awareness. Let me give you a little background here because at this time I was meditating all the time because my nervous system was a hot mess. I was, it was so bad. And I was anxious like I had never, ever, ever experienced in my life. I would have not understood what anxiety meant until I had experienced what I experienced. Now I'm very empathetic and compassionate to it because I understand I've been there. So I was meditating all the time. It was the only thing I knew to do. I was doing deep breaths just every day, spending a lot of time with myself. And one day I was getting ready to go pick up my daughter from the bus stop, and I was standing at the foot of my bed, and the words of my second husband, who I call my tsunami ex, he's the one, you know, his behavior is what initiated this whole thing. He had said to me one time, you're gonna have two divorces and you're the common denominator. Like I was the bad guy. And I just fluffed it off. Yeah, whatever, because this is just how he was. He never took responsibility for his own behavior. And trust me, it wasn't PG. But this voice came into my head, this is like a year afterwards, you are the common denominator. And my nervous system must have been calm enough because I heard it and I said, I am the common denominator. I am the one variable that has been present in all of these relationships. And then this voice in my head said, How were you treated in those relationships? And I said, Well, and I listed them all. I was disrespected, I was not protected, I was taken for granted, I was used, the list goes on. And then the voice in my set head said, How have you treated yourself that way? Again, I think this is because my nervous system was calm, my heart was open, my brain was open, my mind was open. I was so open to anything at this point. It said, How have you treated yourself that way? And I went through the list. This is literally probably at two o'clock on a Wednesday. And then I remember sitting on my bed and kind of in my mind's eye looking up and to the left, and I saw a movie playing, starting from 15 years old up until current, which was 42 years old at that time. And this movie was playing of all the times that I compromised my sacred self, that I disrespected myself, that I didn't protect myself, that I accepted the unacceptable. And I just saw it all with observance, not with judgment. And I was like, all of these ways. And then this voice said to me, Would you be your best friend? This is all in my head, by the way. And I said, Well, heck yeah, I'd be my best friend. It said, Why? I said, Because this, this, and this, and I'm that, and I'm this and I'm that, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I listed all the things. And then the voice said, Well, why don't you treat yourself like that? That was the beginning. Why don't I treat myself like this beautiful, kind, loving, generous person that I am? Why am I not treating myself that way? And I will tell you that a lot of this was all in my mind. I didn't sit down and do homework like this, but it stuck. And then I would kind of think about it and ruminate on it, just, you know, driving in my a lot of my healing was done driving my car. I know that's weird. I was driving my car and taking showers. I think it's because I'm I was doing something else while my brain was just thinking. So I wasn't sitting there actively thinking. It was kind of like I was semi-distracted, but in a positive way, kind of like a white noise type of way. It's sort of in a meditative sort of space. And that's when a lot of these insights came to me. So I started to treat myself differently. The brain is always listening to us. Highlight that, underline that, bold font that. The brain is always listening to us, it's listening to what we're saying to ourselves. It's a data gathering machine. Then it inputs this data and it decides where to act from there. And it makes choices and decisions from that space. So when we're inputting negative, ugly fear, scarcity, lack of love, not enoughness, well, its job is to keep us surviving. Its job is to make us belong. So we're gonna act in ways to try to get those things that are, and here's the most important part, not for our highest good. We're compromising all of us, we're abandoning the sacred self. We are turning into this lesser, fractured, fearful version of ourselves to try to get those things, all the while not knowing that the cure is to give to ourselves the very thing that we give to other people. Our inner world influences the choices and behaviors that we make on the daily. Therefore, in order to change our outer world, we must change our inner world first. By the way, you guys, we are love. We are love. We are part of God's source universe, which is unconditional love. It's present in us at all times. It's that sometimes we've got all of this mud and leaves and a spare tire and a piece of fencing that came from the West 40 all piled on top of us. And so we don't even know that because we're living under this massive heavy weight. I used to use the analogy that to me, when I started loving myself, what it felt like is that I had been living under, I don't know why this is the visual for me, but have you guys seen an army blanket? They're like the issued military blankets. They're not super big, but they're wool. And I think we had one from somewhere somehow. And this is why that visual comes into my head. But I pictured myself, it felt like I was under like 50 of those army blankets, and they were wet. They were heavy. And this is what I was carrying around every single day. And so learning to love myself was like throwing off all of these blankets. And I was like, This life looks different. I look different, I feel different, everybody looks different to me, which is another byproduct of this, is that you'll start to see other people through a completely different lens as well. And it is the lens of love. That doesn't mean we accept the unacceptable or that we compromise our values because we see someone through love or through empathy, or we have compassion for those that they're experienced. And that's another cool thing that happens from this is that I have the same empathy and compassion that I always did for other people, but it's not at the expense of my well-being anymore. And now I am able to draw those lines and limits with people where I need to and hold them, which has been for their highest good as well, which is a cool thing. I have a couple of back channel messages. Let me read what Sandy said. She said, When I felt empty, I would stop eating almost like I didn't deserve to eat. Thank God, no more of this self-hate. Great for you, Sandy. Yes. And Stephen had um commented earlier, he said, so when their fear is greater than the love I am sending off the rails. Yeah, yeah. And that's that's true. Oh, good point there, but that's a whole different conversation. And what that means is what Stephen was saying is that, yes, when people are living in fear, you can't love them out of it. They are in a state of being, they are in a fearful state. They are connected to their ego, they're connected to limits, they're connected to lack, they're connected to fear, worry, what if, all kinds of things. And we can love someone. I've done this, I've done this, I've been in this situation with someone where I love them in all the ways possible. And they were still so stuck in their programming that nothing I did could change them, nothing I did could heal them. Wild to experience because I just didn't get it. But then I realized that we have personal choice, we have free will, and we get to decide what we're going to do at any given time. And sometimes for people, the fear of change, the, you know, moving into the unknown is outweighing the pain of staying the same. What it means is that yes, where you are and how your life looks to you has not become painful enough for you to decide that I want something different, that there must be something different. And for me, it took me, like I said, face down on a with what I felt like a cowboy boot on one side of my face, smashing my face into the dirt road, the gravelly dirt road. That was the visual that I got. That's where I felt. I was so at bottom. I just was like, I don't care what I have to do. I don't care if I need to remain single for the rest of my life. I just can't do this anymore. This is terrible. And it's affecting people around me, the ones I love the most, i.e., my children. I can't do this anymore. But some people haven't gotten there yet. And no matter what we say, what we do, how we act, we can show up as the most healed, beautiful version for them. I I've even said one of our ascended masters, Jesus, Buddha, whoever else, can come down and still it wouldn't be enough because that person is where they're at. Yeah, that's a tough one. All right, I did get another back channel from Jules. She said, allowing them to walk their path and have their journey. Yeah, we can only be an example. That is exactly right. I'm going to be diving into the five self-love tenets, what they really mean, how we can truly heal our inner world through applying these things to ourselves, which is just seems ridiculous, but it works in the most amazing way. Hi, Amani. Welcome.

Imani 22:39

Um, for me, this is a great topic, as always, because you have a palette in my closet anyway. So just go ahead and bring the sleeping kitty with you. I'll like that too. But what was important for me is the majority of my life I didn't realize how much I didn't love myself. Because I was seeking love and all the wrong people placing things, and thought that's where I had to gain it from. That's where it had to come from. But then get sorely disappointed and hurt every time it didn't happen what I thought it was gonna happen. It's like, hmm, what's the problem here? You, ma'am, you, you, all of you. I'm the problem, it's me. The problem is me. Hi, welcome to Problem Anonymous. I'm a money. But it took, it took a long time to also accept that, right? Because when you're so used to having the blame shifted to everybody else, but to have to really take stock of your role in everything, it it's a toe cruncher at first. It's like, wow, is this true? Really? I've been the problem the whole time. Well, how did I get to this point? And it's really giving yourself grace and giving yourself permission to process through all of that and giving yourself the time to do that. Because so often we're just told to just keep pushing, just put it to the side, stuff it down, get to it later. You just need to get over it. And we never get to it. We always say later, but that later doesn't ever come. We have to create that later into now so we don't have a better and greater later. But you have to be content where you are now. And for a long time, I wasn't even happy in the now. I was too busy looking in the rearview mirror the whole time, not expecting to have an accident. But I'm looking in the back all the time that I couldn't even enjoy where I was currently and even be expecting for what still was to come. You know, what if it's better? I was like, what if it's not? Was always my state, or what if it's not? It's gonna be this. Yeah, it's so easy to catastrophize when you're in that state. And then we don't even realize that in that state, we're bringing more of that to us because that is our expectation. And that was also a hard pillow. So I was like, well, if you want a greater life, you gotta shift your thinking. If you want a greater life, you gotta shift your talking to yourself and your situation. If you want a better life, you have more power than you give yourself credit for. You can take the pin back of your story and rewrite the rest of that chapter. I've done that in the last couple of years. That now, you know, just like Steven, I'm like, well, hey, you just go ahead and put some shades on because I'm gonna continue to shine. Right. I'm trying to blind you because I'm great. I'm amazing. And so are you, by the way. Did you know that? Let's all shine together. Yes. That's the way it's supposed to be. We're all supposed to be shining together and celebrating each other and holding each other up and accepting everybody where they are, but then we're loving them to the greater that they are. Because I can be honest, God has put people in my life that helped to dry off the things that me I hadn't even realized yet were there, that I hadn't even noticed were there, that I hadn't even acknowledged that they were there. But he's just so supernaturally practical that way that he's gonna help bring people into your life to get you to the next season in your life because he needs to equip and prepare us for it. And I'm just so grateful that I took that intentional time to acknowledge who the problem was, how to fix the problem, and then fixing the problem. And we are always gonna be in the process of fixing the problem because certain things are gonna trigger us, other circumstances are gonna come up, other people are gonna come up, and it's helping us to remember what we've learned so we can be better in the next six circumstance and situation. So thank you, Kristen, and thank you, everyone here on New Vibe, who's been placed into my life to make me the better version of who I am today. And I'm gonna hold myself to that as I know you guys lovingly do as well. And I appreciate y'all.

Kristen 26:48

Love you, everyone. Bye, Imani. We love you back, sis. Yes.

Self-Love Tenet #1

Kristen 27:01

When you start to treat yourself well, respect and protect yourself, we got to start it first. When we start to respect and protect ourselves, our energy shifts, and we will no longer attract people to respect that back or reflect that back to us, but also it fills part of our worthiness cup. I need you to know this because you're deeming yourself valuable. So it starts to fill that worthiness cup. And because your worthiness cup is filling, you will be better able, it perpetuates, it grows on itself, it expands on itself to set and maintain boundaries. But we got to start. We gotta start. And this is why these five self-love tenants work cohesively together. Because how can we just right now all of a sudden throw down a boundary when we've never done it before? Or we're not good at it, when we don't have any foundation to come from. Which brings me

Self-Love Tenet #2

Kristen 27:55

to the next self-love tenant, and these are not in any particular order. I have them ordered, but that doesn't mean anything. Is grace and forgiveness of self. This is one of the biggest ones. Okay, grace is understanding. Giving yourself grace is giving yourself understanding and leniency. It's like saying it's okay, you just give grace. It's all right, I understand. It's not holding yourself hostage to your mistakes. And forgiveness of self is about understanding that you're always doing the best you can for where you are at currently with your level of awareness, your level of healing, your level of understanding, your level of knowledge. This is as good as it got. I went back through, and I kid you not, I went back through and looked at every single thing that I felt was a mistake, and even if it was disrespect of self, okay, because what is interesting in my story is that I didn't do a lot of bad things to other people, although I did own those too, because I'm not perfect. But a lot of it was to me. So a lot of the forgiveness that I had to give myself was was directed toward myself. Yes, it was things like I snapped at my mom or I was being a brat this day. Yeah, I went through those things too. The things that stood out to me. There's some things that have recorded in your brain as shame. And they'll they're pretty easy, easily accessible if you're open and you're willing. So I went through because, like I told you, I was wide open. I did not want to have that experience again. And this is not to go back to those places and roll around in it. Okay. This is to go back and go, oh, yeah, that time that I yelled at my mom or was snarky or whatever, smart ass to my mom. And then understanding that's where I was at that time. That doesn't mean I'm a bad person. That doesn't mean I'm not worthy. It just means that's where I was at that time. And if it's safe to do so, we hear about this in recovery circles. This is the amends portion. If you feel like you need to go make amends to someone, make amends if it is safe and healthy for them to receive the amends, because there's all kinds of things that people have done, and it depends on the level of it. But you know, me going up to my mom and saying, you know what? I was a little B in high school. I was overtired. I was staying up too late, getting up too early, and I was snappy at you. And I apologize for that, mom. Do you see what I'm saying? Like that didn't hurt my mom. She was like, oh, okay. Yes, honey, no, it's I and I know. I'm like, I know you know, but I need you to know that I know, that I need you to know. Because taking responsibility is so balmy. But the key here, we're talking about self. This is self-forgiveness. What do you need to forgive yourself for? All right. We are always acting from the level of information and healing or lack of healing, woundedness that we are at. And sometimes it's not so pretty. Okay. We are a conglomeration of our traumas, dramas, and experiences. And we stay that way until we start to heal. And they're gonna have us showing up in a way. That programming, that belief system is gonna have us showing up in a way and doing particular things that maybe we need to forgive ourselves for later. That's it. When we forgive ourselves, we I can't even tell you, it's like a bulldozer comes in and removes our shame. That hidden shame that is driving the train behind the scenes. It's like this big bulldozer comes in. I cannot believe I felt like you think of something that's on a put a balloon under a bunch of blankets. You take the uh helium balloon, you take the blankets off, the balloon goes and just rises. That's how I felt. Something was changed, like something changed. So I was like, what did I just do to myself? That became a self-love tenant. So grace and forgiveness of self, respect and protection of self. The next one is compassion and acceptance of self. I also go into these at length. If you would like a physical copy of these and so many other things, in my book, The Recovering People Pleaser, a spiritual guide to reclaim your true worth and attract the love you deserve. You can find it on, gosh, there's like 40,000 bookselling sites. But in my Linktree, you have a couple of options. If you click on the recovering people pleaser, I believe now LinTree des drop-down menu where you can choose other sites too and you can, you know, shop the best price or whatever for you. But of course it's on Amazon. But go ahead and check that out here on Noom Vibe. It's in my profile and other podcasting platforms, it's in my description if you're interested in the recovering people pleaser. And if you are someone who has read it and has enjoyed it, I would really appreciate if you jumped over to Amazon and left me a five-star rating and review. You don't have to say your name, you can just put a handle up there, or you can leave your name if you want to. But I'd really appreciate that. Oh, those little things are really helpful to us content creators and authors and things because it alerts the system that people are paying attention and like these things.

Self-Love Tenet #3

Kristen 32:41

All right, the next one is compassion and acceptance of self. Self-love tenant number three. Compassion means responding to yourself with understanding and care rather than judgment or punishment. This is offering kindness and support. So being compassionate with yourself, no matter what you do, giving yourself understanding. You know, I know that you are here listening to this talk right now because you are a seeker and an earth angel. You are a loving human being that's been getting a bad rap and a bad experience from a lot of people out there in the world. I know that you know how to have compassion. How about flipping that on you? How about flipping that on you? All that understanding and care that you've given to other people, give it to you. Stop the judgments, stop the punishments. And self-acceptance is the ability to acknowledge and embrace who you fully are. And this includes all aspects of you. It is the range of you, it is the strength, the flaws, the idiosyncrasies, your emotions, it's your past, it's your general humanity, it's all of you. It's your looks, it's the way you talk, the way you walk. It's accepting you without constant self-rejection and saying, there's something wrong with me. You know, if my nose was a little bit smaller, or oh, I laugh too loud, or I wish uh, you know, whatever. Just you, you name it for you. You know what they are. Okay. You you know where you're being mean to you. All right, accept it all. Send all those places love. And when I tell you I've done this, you guys, I have and continue to this day because self-love doesn't stop. We still make mistakes. Okay, we still need to give ourselves forgiveness. We need to give ourselves, we need to be compassionate, and we need to accept. You know, I'm my body's changing. I am post-menopausal now. My body has changed, my skin's different. Every things are different on me. I'm a fair skinned person who grew up in sunny 364 days a year, Arizona. Maybe not quite that much. Grew up in a swimming pool getting burnt. We went inside after we were burned, sunburned, right? There wasn't a lot of sunblock happening back then. My skin's changing. It's got little, little marks on it now as I'm looking at it. I gotta accept those marks. My brother one day, he's he saw my hands one day, and he didn't mean this mean. He said it sweetly, but he goes, Chris, oh my God. I go, what? He goes, Your hands look like moms. And he didn't mean this the dots, he meant like the shape and stuff. And I was like, thanks. But also the dots. They look like my mom's. So compassion acceptance for all pieces of you. It's understanding that you do not, you do not give yourself permission to understand you do not need to become someone else. You don't need to to be worthy of love, peace, or belonging. The end. The next one is

Self-Love Tenet #4

Kristen 35:38

loving and supportive self-talk. And this is about being your own best friend. Remember the voice? I believe it's a guide or a guardian or an angel or somebody. I talk about my full house, quote unquote, like the poker term, my full house. It's uh three G's and two A's. God guides, guardians, angels, and ancestors. G G G A A. I call them my full house. I don't know who's talking to me when, but when it said, would you be your own best friend? And I said yes, it's like, well, then why aren't you doing that? Duh. We're also being guided all the time, you guys. If you're open and you really take the time to calm your nervous system and you invite in these energies, they will be there for you. They will be there for they're already there now. They're just waiting for the invitation. They're all sitting over there playing solitaire and drinking a cup of tea, waiting for that bell to ring that you need them. Go talk to them all day long, every day. Now, when we're being loving and supportive to ourselves, when we're talking kindly to ourself, this does not mean that we're going to be able to catch every single thing all the time. We got an ego, we got a negativity bias in our brain, we've got all this stuff that's swirling and twirling. But this means to make it the decision to be intentional, to catch how you're speaking to yourself. Pay attention. Did you just get out of the shower and stand in front of the mirror and say, oh my God, I'm so fat and ugly? Or did you get out of the shower and not even notice yourself? And I'm using that as a personal example. My shower doors, I open the shower doors at glass, by the way, so I can see myself showering because right across the little walkway there is my closet. And the closet has two big mirrored doors. They came with the house. So yeah, you're in the shower and you can see yourself showering. It's kind of weird. But at any rate, I would get out, and this is probably five years ago, I'd open the shower and I'd be like, oh my God, look at this, look at that. And it would hurt me. And I would just want to curl up in a ball and not look at myself. And I said, Oh, hail, no, KB. You will not treat this precious, precious being like that. You would never say that to anybody you love ever. And don't you dare say it to you. And so I started getting out of the shower going, look at my beautiful, gorgeous body. Look at this, look at that. Oh my gosh. This is carried me. Look at my feet. You know, I've stood on my feet for 30 years and they're great and they feel amazing. And wow, look at this. Blah, blah, blah, blah. And then guess what started happening, you guys? I get out of the shower. I don't even notice myself standing there. This is a true story. I trained myself. I was intentional. I caught the bad narrative that I was saying, and I said, no. You're also telling yourself when you tell yourself, oh no, you don't. You're also protecting your inner child. Do you see how all of this is interwoven? It's really cool how all of this works, but we got to be willing to do the work. That's what we got to be willing to do. So catch yourself. Stop being ugly to yourself. Stop right then and there and change it. Change it into how you would talk to someone you love. And

Self-Love Tenet #5

Kristen 38:28

the last one is caring for self. Self-care and self-love has been interchanged out in the world. Self-care, I think, was the, to be honest with you, I think it was the more benign thing to say. I don't think it was as maybe triggering to other people, you know, not in a wounded way, but I think it was more palpable. Is that the right word? Or digestible or acceptable for people to say, self-care, self-care, self-care. No, I'm going hard in here. This is self, capital L love, the end. Self-love. Self-care is under the umbrella of self-love. And this is about making your needs matter. This is becoming your own priority. Remember, my beloved, you matter too. You matter too. In fact, the relationship you have with yourself should be your priority. Because why? Because all other relationships stem from the relationship with yourself. I became a better everything. Daughter, sister, mother, speaker, coach, everything that I do in life became better when I started to pay attention to my relationship with me. Me. That's when everything started to change. So this is about asking yourself all day long, every day, what do you need? That's what it means. What do you need? Life gets busy, people need us for a variety of reasons, but we can still practice self-care in the meantime. Yes, Terry just said, because you are worth it. Yeah. So what does it mean? What is what does this look like in action? It means maybe letting letting a text go for an hour, maybe not answering it for an hour. Maybe it means canceling the plans. Maybe it means going to bed early. Maybe it means saying no to that restaurant that has high preservatives in their food or MSG. What does it mean for you? It doesn't mean that all day long we're going to be able to go me, me, me, me, me, me, me. But here's the other thing. Our needs, I'm trying to word this appropriately. Yes, we have needs, but they're not always all day long. Like right now, I'm sitting here talking to you guys do I'm having any particular need right at this moment? No, the only need I'm having is I need to uncross my legs because I don't like the way it's feeling right now. So I just did that. So don't think that you're just going to become some selfish old person. You're not. You're not. It's just being mindful that you matter and being willing to do the things that say you matter. Because once again, you're not only attending to your mind, body, and your spirit, you're also telling that inner child that they're important. Remember, all of this is interwoven together. Really, what we're healing, what we are healing, is our inner child. That's it. And there's many ways that we can approach that healing. But keep in mind, when you're saying you matter, you are telling that little sweet baby inside that was not attended to for whatever reason that they actually matter. It could mean taking a solo walk, it could mean taking a nap, it could mean walking out of a restaurant that's too loud and it's just driving you nuts. Whatever it means. What do you need? Self-love is the miracle cure. There's no question about this. I've watched miracles unfold in people's lives when they took this concept seriously and began to do the work necessary. And this is why self-love is so prevalent in the world. Go all the way back to Louise Hay, who started Hay House at age 60, by the way, and who has passed away now. But she started way back in the 70s. And she was saying self-love is the miracle cure. Uh, she wasn't one of my mentors. I just kind of learned about her after the fact. And then when I heard that she said that too, I was like, see? Again, more evidence. She's she's a huge teacher in the world. Self-love is not about becoming hard and selfish. If that's what someone is doing, they are not actually living from love, but from ego. Self-love isn't about overriding patterns by forcing yourself to do the exact opposite. This is a gentle movement in the direction that heals. Self-love is gentle. Self-love is passive. Self-love is kind. It's not aggressive. It's not controlling. But hey, y'all, I don't want you to take my word for it. I want you to give it a shot and see for yourself. I want you to start applying these five self-love principles to yourself. And then report back. Let us know how you're doing. I appreciate you spending part of your day with us. I appreciate all the guests who came up. Your time is valuable, and it doesn't go unnoticed that you choose to be here. And I deeply, deeply appreciate it. Thank you. And until next time, everyone, remember you matter. You always have. You were born mattering. You just forgot. Love yourself back to remembering your true worth and personal power. Then check in with us and tell us how it's going because I'm certain if you truly do the work, we're going to hear a fabulous update. Much love, everyone.