Empty, full or overflowing? What's your capacity? Managing stress when you are running on empty

In this episode of From Stress to Strength, Steph explores the idea of capacity—and why shifting the conversation from “mental health” to “how much I’ve got to give” might just change everything.

We often talk about stress as something wrong with us, but what if it’s just what happens when the demands placed on us exceed our capacity (or our perceived capacity) to cope? In this down-to-earth episode, Steph talks through what capacity looks like on the farm and in family life—and how to check in, protect it, and gently rebuild when you're running low.

Whether your silo’s full or scraping the bottom, this episode is your reminder that you don’t have to be at 100% to keep going—but you do need to notice where you’re at.

You’ll learn:

• How to check in with your capacity (without judgment)
• What drains your silo—and what fills it back up
• How capacity plays out in our relationships
• The importance of having honest conversations about load
• Simple ways to protect and build capacity day-to-day

🔧 Featuring practical metaphors, small tweaks, and a whole lot of validation for how hard it is right now.

This series is proudly supported by Ski for Life, an organisation committed to suicide prevention and stronger mental health in rural Australia.

📍 Find more at: stephschmidt.com.au/podcast

If this episode brings up anything for you:
📞 Lifeline: 13 11 14
📞 Suicide Call Back Service: 1300 659 467
📞 SA Rural Mental Health Triage: 13 14 65

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Stress is what happens when the demands placed on us exceed our capacity or even just our perceived capacity to cope. Welcome to From Stress to Strength, a special episode of the Farm Life Psych with Steph Schmidt series brought to you by Ski for Life. I'm Steph, a psychologist, farmer, mum of three wild and wonderful boys, and someone navigating the roller coaster of life on the land right alongside you. This series, if you're new, is all about just some strategies and tools to navigate the challenges, the love that we have, all of the everyday challenges that we face in farming life. Hopefully also beneficial for anyone navigating rural life as well. The series is supported by Ski for Life, a grassroots organization doing incredible work across rural Australia, supporting communities and organisations to run events, strategies such as this podcast, which promote mental health, well-being, and suicide prevention. So thank you again to Ski for Life for their support. So something that I have been thinking about recently and what I wanted to explore in today's episode is our capacity and shifting that narrative and conversation a little bit from mental health or well-being to our capacity and how we manage it. Because I think it helps us take a little bit more ownership, it helps us to step out of judgment a little bit, and it also is quite practical. We can check in with where our capacity is at. If we notice that our capacity is low, then we can do what we can to work within that capacity. We can give ourselves a little bit of grace to know that we're maybe running over our capacity, and then we can take steps to strengthen and build that capacity. And our experience of stress really builds into this. So stress isn't really always what's wrong with us, but maybe more about that imbalance between what's being asked of us and what we've actually got to give, what our capacity is. So I'm going to explore maybe a little bit about what capacity means, how we can check in with our capacity, how it might be playing out in our relationships. So linking back into last week's episode, which explored a couple of ideas around relationships, how to navigate them during stressful times. So have a listen to that if you haven't yet. And what to do when your tank or your silo, if you've heard my feel your silo metaphor before, is running low. Let's get into it.

unknown 2:42

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 2:43

One of the definitions of stress that I think is actually really quite helpful during tough times is that stress is what happens when the demands placed on us exceed our capacity or even just our perceived capacity to cope. So it's not always about having a mental health diagnosis of depression or anxiety, post-traumatic stress, all of those various diagnoses that are out there. But sometimes what's being placed on us is just too much. Our capacity or even just how much we perceive we can cope with these things exceeded. And the more we get into that place where the stress is mounting, and almost subconsciously we're perceiving that I can't cope with this, there's too much going on, I can't manage this. The stress then builds even further. And so I think one of the key things is, and if you've listened to any of the podcasts previously or heard me talk before, you'll know this is key to pretty much everything we talk about noticing. So often we are pushing through without noticing, taking that time to check in with ourselves on how we are actually traveling. We push through, we go on autopilot, and we lose that awareness. I think that autopilot almost kicks in as a self-protective mode that if we take that time to check in with ourselves, it might almost be quite daunting to realize that actually I'm not running at full capacity, or my capacity is really low at the moment, or I'm not coping. Checking in to do that non-judgmentally. And so it starts with that check-in. Asking yourself today, and then bringing it in as a regular practice, where's my capacity at today? How am I traveling? What's my capacity looking like? Sometimes this is a fuel gauge metaphor that you can you might run low for a little while, but eventually, once the fuel tank runs out, you're in a bit of strife. And again, it comes back to the silo metaphor. We always make sure we've kept some feed in the silo or we've kept some grain for next year's season in the silo. We've been talking about it a lot at the moment. Being in a marginal country, my husband had it drummed into him from his dad at a young age that you always kept two years of seed in reserve. So when that silo runs empty, you're in a bit of strife. That's when you might need to buy in seed or you need to buy in extra stock. But generally, what you're doing is planning. You don't wait for the silo to run empty. You're checking in on it, you're planning ahead, and you're filling back up before we hit zero. And so our well-being, our energy, our emotional capacities all work the same way. But the problem is, as I said, so often we forget to check in. It's not, I think that we forget. Again, maybe that autopilot kicks in as a protective mode because we think we've just got so much to do. We need to push through, we need to get through the other side, and who cares how low to the bottom our silos running. And we can, look, I think we can run on empty for a little while. We all probably have at various points and times. You push through, you get through, you get through seating, you get through shearing, just the school holidays, whatever it might be, when your silo is scraping the bottom, when your capacity is running really low. But what I notice in myself and those around us, and when I'm having these conversations with people in workshops, is when we're running on empty, when we're running at that minimum capacity, we are less effective, our relationships really start to take a hit, we're less patient, and we're less humans we want to be. And so I think, and experiment with me on this one. I think if we actually took that time to check in on our capacity, both our internal capacity, how much we can handle right now, and those external pressures that are faced on us, how much we're juggling, how much work we've got going on, how much extracurricular stuff the kids have got on after school, how the kids are actually going. So, how much extra emotional load are we carrying for the kids, what's the season we've got going on on the farm at the moment. So checking in both on what your inner capacity is and then what all of those external demands are, and are they matching up, or is there kind of a mismatch between the demands and the capacity? And once we check in on that, then we can take those important steps to manage it. So if you take that step in to go, right, my demands are up here. Like at the moment, we're having a chat about what we need to navigate in the coming weeks, and we've got shearing that really needs to get done. We've got lamb tailing that needs to happen, we've probably got some resewing that needs to happen, and there's always spraying to be done on the farm at this time of year. Throw in me heading away a couple of days through the month for running workshops. There are a whole lot of jobs, I'm pretty sure our bass is due at the end of this month as well. Um, there are a lot of demands that need to happen. There's a lot of jobs that need to be done. So then on the other side of it, if we check in there and okay, well, where are our individual capacities at? And look, speaking, I'm gonna speak for myself personally, overall, I think I'm traveling fairly well in my own capacity. There is a level of exhaustion and tiredness just running through our family just because of the slog of the last year or the last few years, without feeling that benefit of the reward that comes along with it that helps us top it up. But there are things that I feel like I'm doing day to day to manage my capacity and also being mindful of what those demands are. I also look and go, okay, I'm actually gonna do need to do a few things to up my capacity as well. So I'm going to need to make sure I'm getting to bed a little bit earlier. I'm going to need to make sure I am moving my body when I can. When we head into shearing, that kind of does its job naturally. My step count during shearing time is like 15 to 20,000 just during the day. So I don't need to add in too much exercise then. One thing I have noticed for myself, and look, I think we all know this, but sometimes we need the reality check of it slammed in our face. My phone died a couple of weeks ago, and so then I had a few days where I could use my watch as a phone through my phone. Basically, I just didn't have all the social media, all the other apps. I just had a phone as a phone. And so then when I have transferred across to a new phone, I've tried really hard to keep that in place of not having all the extra stuff that I realized was really draining my capacity. It was draining my resources because not only was it there distracting me, pulling me away from what I actually needed to be doing or wanting to be doing, there was also the extra invisible load of that push and pull where I was using up my resources of self-control to try and not use the stuff on my phone when it's kind of that automatic pull to manage big feelings or manage frustration, manage boredom. So when it's there, I have to work harder not to use it. But as soon as I didn't have access to it, it took away that extra struggle, which actually helped me build up my capacity. It also opened up a little bit of extra time because I wasn't losing that time onto my phone. Ironically enough, my phone after it restarted started working again. And so now I have got a phone that does just have all the apps on it, and then the other phone that has the phone. Um, and I'm yeah, I'm still trying to work out how to navigate social media with it because it helps me promote this podcast, it helps me promote the work I'm doing, but the personal toll on my own capacity, I really noticed it. So, what I'm going to experiment with is using the phone to post and share some things and then putting it away. And again, it's that experimenting with checking in on how is this impacting my capacity? How is it maybe feeling or how is it draining? Certain things that we do shrink our capacity overall, and it just takes that constant checking in with ourselves. I think as well, we can start to bring that capacity conversation in with our partners, in with our team, if you're working with other family members or other employees. We can even have this with our kids as well. Different ages start to understand it. But there have been times like where we're both home late at night, and my husband's had a massive tough day on the farm, and I might be kind of getting frustrated at doing all of the things at home. He's just helped empty the dishwasher, and then he'll say, Look, I am giving you my 100%, but honestly, my capacity is at 30% at the moment. And the more we remember to bring that in, bringing in that conversation around capacity to say to each other, I want to help as much as I can, but my capacity is at this. And honestly, there's probably not times where both people are at 100%. So that check-in, and if you realize that both are running at 30%, well, then give yourself some grace. It helps each other to kind of understand that it's not that you're withholding effort, it's not that you're not helping because you just want to sit on the couch and don't want to take part in it, but you're stretched too thin, you do not have that capacity to do anymore. And I'm not saying this to kind of give you a green card to say, hey, I'm at capacity, I'm done, because the day-to-day stuff needs to get done. But maybe it is that way of checking in, what can you let drop? So whether it is during shearing and everyone's running at full capacity, everyone's stretched thin, do you let the washing drop? And you just chuck it all in the washing basket when it's washed and people find what they can out of the washing baskets. Leave the shower. It doesn't need scrubbing every week. Like whatever it can be. Or is it dropping a few more of the extra social things? And I get social connection, again, really important for topping up our capacity and boosting and improving our well-being. But sometimes that permission just to say, no, actually, we're just gonna stay at home tonight, or we might just have a bonfire as a family, or we're just all gonna get to bed early. I think one of the things that is probably part of our capacity or navigating our capacity is that mental load which many of us are carrying in different ways as well. And look, I think there are parts of this that are true for everyone. But what I've seen within farming families is that that load is carried in different ways by different people, and so, and look, generalizations ahead, a warning, how it plays out in your family may be completely different. How it plays out within your farm may be completely different, but this is probably just generally what I've seen, and so very often that kind of family life mental and emotional load is often carried by women. The day-to-day keeping the house going, the organizing, the school notes, the emotional load of everyone in the family. Also, just like the dentist appointments or lunch orders. But within the farm side, a lot of the financial side is managed these days by women as well. So whether the bills have been paid, whether the accounts are up to date, whether the bass is ready to be submitted. Whereas it's often very much more the practical, the physical, maybe the strategic, like which sheep are we putting in which paddock, which rotation are we putting in, how much feed have we got left for the year ahead, is often carried by the men. Again, understanding this is stereotypes and generalizations putting in here. And a lot of this can be planned out, but a lot of this is often carried mentally inside of our heads. And both loads are really important. Both loads, when we're carrying them invisibly, drain our capacity. And when we don't talk about it with each other, so no matter what that mental emotional load is that you're carrying, when we're not talking about it, we kind of start assuming that the other person isn't carrying their weight or isn't carrying anything when we're just carrying different things or we're carrying things differently. So part of managing that mental load within your farm, within your family, within your relationships might just start by having those conversations. It might start by sharing a little of what's going on in your mind. It might be the practical steps you take for yourself of actually getting it all out of your head and onto paper, into a notebook, into a planner, and then starting to have those conversations within a team as well. Or whether it's with your partner or with the bigger farming family partnership, however you run, getting it out so it's not just tumbling around in your head. And then we can start to see who can take on other things. And also, I guess, by getting it out of our heads, it comes back to that capacity check-in as well. So if we can see that okay, we've got this much navigating and this much that we've got going on in the farm in the next month, we've also got this stuff going on within the family, plus the day-to-day laundry, house cleaning, jobs, school drop-off, all of that. How do we distribute that load when we've got different levels of capacity? What can we do to work within all of our different capacities right now? So I think bringing it out into the open, having those conversations is absolutely vital. So a couple of thoughts on a few things we can do when it comes to managing, caring for, building our capacity. Firstly, notice, check in on where your capacity is right now. You might use the silo idea to go, right, is my silo half full? Is it full? Is it empty? But even kind of thinking of our silos like the containers fully themselves. Sometimes we have massive the big seed storage silos that are firmly planted in the ground, or we have our um field bins, or we have the uh, we might just have a small, we've got one over at the chookyard, like a really small little silo. And I think that idea of what our actual capacity is at any given time isn't set in stone. So checking in what, like, not just how full my silo is, but how much can I take on right now? Checking in what's my capacity at right now. And if you are full or at or over capacity, don't try and do more to build on it. It might be about protecting your capacity and doing less if possible. Saying no to things, saying no to extra things, delegating, passing on some of the jobs of what you can do, even if they're things that have always been done within the family. Maybe get a bookkeeper to take on some of the book work. If delegating or getting in extra help isn't an option, what else can you let go of? Is it maybe letting go of a bit of perfectionism or unrealistic expectations? Is it maybe about taking some extra time? So on the weekend I did a big cull of all the extra shit lying around the house, which then felt like it actually boosted our capacity a little bit because one, it's now easier to keep on top of, but that bit more clear space just helps open up a little bit more mental space as well. And again, maybe pulling in in when we're protecting and taking care of our capacity, it's those really little simple things that we might do each day to manage that capacity, to keep it as expanded and big as we can. So, this is the foundational stuff: making sure you're having proper meals. And frozen meals hit the spot with this, they're much better than just I don't know, a piece of toast. Having some frozen meals or having some things quick and easy, but making sure you're having nourishing food, making sure you're drinking enough water, but then also it might be chucking on some music that actually shifts your energy and lifts your mood, getting outside for a few moments, feeling your feet on the ground, getting grounded. One of the things my nana always used to say to me, she had three kids under three, basically, with not a whole lot of support around her. And she used to say she would, when they did all go down for sleep, or if they were actually just playing for a few minutes quietly, she'd literally just lie down on the ground, wherever she was, lie flat on the floor for 10 minutes to give herself a reboot. So it's not necessarily about a three-hour spa day. Um, sometimes when time is really pressured, when we're running at minimal capacity, but we just gotta get through and get the job done, it's just those little ways to fill up in the moment to get that capacity. Again, like I said, checking in on your phone of how does that impact your capacity? Are you pulled to your phone in those times where your mind's wanting to tune out or withdraw from what's going on and checking in is this actually helping me manage my capacity or is it draining on it further? So maybe putting some limits in that for yourself as well. And then I think the next step is build our capacity. So sometimes this might not be what you can take on in those really high-pressured seasons, but this is the longer-term work. It might not pay off overnight, but it helps you build that wider window of tolerance that I touched on in episode four, a little bit more emotional groundedness, steadiness, those foundations so that you can weather whatever the next season brings. And so some of these ways to build our capacity are strengthening our physical health, getting that regular movement in, making sure you are getting enough sleep. And if you're having challenges with your sleep, using some tools, whether doing a guided relaxation before you head to sleep or stepping off screens a little bit, whatever it might be, just to make sure you're. Getting enough sleep to get that in there. Again, fueling your body with food, nurturing, nutritional food and water. But also kind of strengthening our emotional health. And so I think this can be where connecting in with a psychologist is really vital. So sometimes we we see a psychologist when we're in that. It might be that you're working with someone longer term, and that's where you've got another head to bounce ideas off. They can suggest strategies, they can help you kind of explore different thinking strategies. They can help kind of not pull apart but restructure some of those, I guess, messages that we may have from childhood or different parts of our life, finding ways to reframe. And again, it strengthens and builds our emotional capacity, our emotional health. You can also do some of this yourself through like journaling practices or even ways of practicing self-compassion as well. So just that treating yourself with kindness. And the more we do these things, the more it builds our capacity over time. And I think practically as well, if we think about our capacity like a container, and coming back to what I said at the very start, that stress is when the demands placed on us exceed our perceived capacity to cope. So, how can we increase or build on that perceived capacity? So it might be the really practical. So creating a support team around you, working out what can be offloaded, what can be delegated, having those open conversations with your partner, with the people around you about what the load is that you're actually carrying and working out what your support team looks like. And I'm going to dive into this a bit deeper into a coming episode as well. But you might have different people on your team for maybe the emotional support than you do the practical support. When you run into a challenge with the bookwork, who do you call on for that versus a challenge in parenting? Who do you call on in that? But the more we can build that network around us, it helps to build those foundations. So as we build our capacity, it's like strengthening and building that infrastructure. Coming back to the silo idea. At the moment, your silo might be just a field bin that's out in the paddock, getting a bit rusty around the edges, a few bit of grain leaking out the sides. So building your capacity is finding those ways to upgrade that to a big silo fixed in the yard, strong concrete foundations. That takes time and it does take the energy to put that in place. But it really does pay off because the stronger our capacity is, the bigger our capacity can be. The more we can carry when the pressure's on. I think it is also important to view some of those system pressures that also play on our capacity. And I think some of these things is where we do have the additional challenges at the rural and the farming level. The more system level things, the time it takes just to take our kids to school, or that extra time it takes to go and do a grocery shop, everything is sometimes just more. So recognizing that sometimes there are just system factors in there. The lack of access to a GP or mental health professionals, it does impact on our capacity. There are things that we can do, the things that are in our control to build and protect our own capacity, but also that check in there on what's what are some of those external, those system factors in there. Okay. So as I wrap up, I'd love to hear what your takeaway is, but check in on your capacity. Where is your capacity? How can you work within your capacity as it is right now? And then how can you start to build and strengthen that? So protect it, work within it, and then build it as you can. That's it for today's episode of From Stress to Strength. If it landed for you or you had a key takeaway, I'd love you to share it with someone. Maybe a partner who needs a gentle little nudge to start this conversation. Maybe a friend who you see is really carrying a lot and is probably working way beyond their capacity but doing an amazing job of it. Share it. If you do share it on social media, tag me at stephschmidt.farmlife psych. Or send me an email if there's been something that resonates with you. Steph at stephschmidt.com.au. This series is proudly supported by Ski for Life. As I said, a grassroots organisation which does incredible work across rural South Australia promoting mental health, wellbeing, and suicide prevention. You can stay up to date with the podcast and coming episodes at the website stephschmidt.com.au slash podcast. Until next time, take care of you and don't forget to fill your silo.